Bojack the Data Scientist

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New Season of Bojack Horseman – NO SPOILERS!

A new season of my favorite show, Bojack Horseman, just dropped on
Netflix, and I have absolutely zero time to sit down and watch it.
However, in some magical way there was time for me to write this blog
post and do this analysis. What analysis you ask? I’ll tell you in a
minute, I ain’t Horsin’ Around.

Bojack Horseman, in case you got stuck in 2013, is an animated
comedy-drama about a washed up ’90s sitcom star, who is also a horse
(animals are anthropomorphized in the show’s universe). If you follow
Bojack, you know that it isn’t your everyday animated series. It’s deep,
cynical and lights up some of the darkest corners of damaged human
behavior. Moreover, it keeps getting better, or should I say – heavier.

The psychologist in me got triggered, if indeed Bojack is getting deeper
and deeper, perhaps this pattern could be observed in the show’s script?
I mean, would the show runners use more abstract language compared to
concrete language as the show progresses? The data scientist in me
said “I’m on it”.

Scrape Bojack Script and Language Analysis

First, I had to scrape Bojack’s script. I’ll do it the rvest, xml2 and stringer packages. It’s actually my first doing web scarping so apologies for the non-elegant code


#data frame pre-allocation
m <- matrix(nrow = 5*10, ncol = 3)
colnames(m) <- c("season", "episode", "text")
m <-

count = 1
for (i in 1:5){
  for (j in 1:10){
    if (j<10){
      scrappedurl <-paste0("",
                           i, "e0", j)
      html.raw <- read_html(scrappedurl)
      n <- html_nodes(html.raw, "div#content_container")
      txt <- html_text(n)
      txt <- str_replace_all(txt, "[rnt]" , "")
      t <- str_split(txt, "Episode Script", simplify = T)[3]
      m$season[count] <- i
      m$episode[count] <- j
      m$text[count] <- t
      scrappedurl <-paste0("",
                           i, "e", j)
      html.raw <- read_html(scrappedurl)
      n <- html_nodes(html.raw, "div#content_container")
      txt <- html_text(n)
      txt <- str_replace_all(txt, "[rnt]" , "")
      t <- str_split(txt, "Episode Script", simplify = T)[3]
      m$season[count] <- i
      m$episode[count] <- j
      m$text[count] <- t
    count <-  count+1

#let's see the dataframe
kable(m) %>%
  kable_styling() %>%
  scroll_box(width = "100%", height = "500px")
season episode text
1 1 The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One Horsin’ Around is filmed before a
live studio audience. Mondays. Well, good morning to you too. Oh, hey.
Where? I’d love hay. In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin’ Around
premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced
to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human
children, was initially dismissed by critics as broad and saccharine and
not good, but the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on
to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin’ Around, BoJack Horseman, is
our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack. It is good to be here, Charlie.
Sorry I was late. The traffic It’s really no problem. I parked in a
handicapped spot. I hope that’s okay. You parked in a I’m sorry,
disabled spot. Is that the proper nomenclature? Maybe you should move
the car. No, I don’t think I should drive right now. I’m incredibly
drunk. You’re telling me that you’re drunk right now? Is it just me, or
am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I’m nailing it. Yes.
Anyway, we were talking about Horsin’ Around. To what do you attribute
the show’s wide appeal? Charlie, listen, you know, I know that it’s very
hip these days to shit all over Horsin’ Around, but at the time, I can
tell you – Is it okay to say “shit”? – Please don’t. ‘Cause I I think
the show’s actually pretty solid for what it is. It’s not Ibsen, sure,
but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the
urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting
kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable
people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at
the end of 30 minutes, everything’s gonna turn out okay. You know,
because in real life Did I already say the thing about the urethra?
Well, let’s talk about real life. What have you been doing since the
show’s cancellation That’s a great question, Charlie. I, uh Uh, I Um
Maury! Maury! Maury! Maury! In the case of one-year-old Phoenix, you are
the father. Morning, sunshine. Why so gloomy, roomie? First of all,
we’re not roommates. You are my houseguest. Well, we don’t need to put
labels on things. You sleep on my couch, and you don’t pay rent. I’ve
had tapeworms that were less parasitic. I don’t even remember why I let
you stay with me in the first place. Because my parents kicked me out,
and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don’t want anyone to know
it You secretly have a good heart. You told me they didn’t approve of
your “alternative lifestyle.” I thought you were, like, a troubled gay
teen or something. I didn’t realize by “alternative lifestyle” that you
meant you were lazy. That’s on you for making assumptions. Also, if
you’re looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night
and ate them all. Did you say you’ve had tapeworms? Thanks for meeting
me here. I would have invited you to my office, but the electric company
shut off our power. That’s unfortunate. Just an issue with the bank and
a lack of money in it. Now, as you know, Penguin is very eager to
publish your memoirs, but you keep missing your deadlines. I know, and
I’m sorry, but I am making great progress. The BoJack Horseman Story,
written by BoJack Horseman. Chapter one. Chapter one. Chapter One. Look,
we really need a bestseller here at Penguin. Things are not that great
for me, money wise. Aren’t you an editor at a major publishing house?
Yeah, a publishing house. When was the last time you saw a book? I
thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it
turned out it was a takeout menu. Whenever you’re ready. We’re living
month to month here. We’re kind of counting on your autobiography to
save the company, no pressure. That’s actually a lot of pressure. Have
you considered working with a ghostwriter? Ugh, no, thank you. Look,
just give me one more week, and I will give you some pages that’ll knock
your ass back to the South Pole. I’m from Cincinnati. It that doesn’t
matter. I’ll call you in a week. Yes, one week. I’m telling you, this
book is a top priority for me. Oh, right. Yeesh. You’re wearing that to
the prom? What, you don’t think it’s cute? Neigh way, Jose. “Neigh way,
Jose.” I improvised that line. I mean, it was written, but I gave it the
old BoJack spin. Hey, how many times have you watched this episode?
Yeah, but do you get it, though? Because “nay” means no, but it’s also a
thing that horses say. It works on every level. – I get it. – Ah, you
don’t get it. Are you drunk? Todd, I weigh over 1,200 pounds. It takes a
lot of beer to get me drunk. Yes. Ah, yeah, I see. You’re just bummed
out because Princess Carolyn dumped you last night. BoJack, we need to
talk. Hey, check out the rug on that guy. Slow and steady, am I right,
ladies? Ha-cha-cha. Who does he think he’s fooling? Turtles don’t have
hair. Stop embarrassing me. That is Lenny Turteltaub. You know, I am not
crazy about the bread here. Mm. Why do I keep eating it? BoJack, can you
please just listen for a second? You have my undivided attention. I
think we should see other people. Were we not seeing other people?
BoJack, I’m almost there. Wait. Shh! Shut up. Now, that’s a horse of a
different cruller? Oh! God, that’s good comedy. – BoJack! – What?
Everyone gets a mulligan, and my mulligan was Carey Mulligan. I’m
kidding, jeez. It was Emily Mortimer. What is the problem here? Are you
embarrassed of me because I’m a has-been? Because you know that I’m
writing that book that is gonna make everybody love me again. You’re not
really writing a book. Well, I already spent my advance, so that’s a
first step. Look, this has been a lot of fun, but I need to start
thinking about my future. I mean, you don’t even respect me enough to
have a baby with me. Whoa, what? I never explicitly said that. You said
it with your actions. What actions? Oh, look at that baby. Isn’t he the
cutest baby you ever saw? What? What? What? No, no, wha Step away from
the stolen vehicle, sir! No, no, no. Misunderstanding, officer. I was
running away from my girlfriend whom I don’t respect enough to have a
baby with. Hey, aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around? Oh, face it.
You’re afraid of commitment. I’m not afraid of commitment. I commit to
things all the time. It’s the following through on that commitment that
I take issue with. Hey, stupid, isn’t that your friend over there? Oh,
Mr. Peanutbutter? God, I hope he doesn’t see us. Is that BoJack
Horseman? Oh, jeez, here we go. Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in
the same room. What is this, a crossover episode? You know, that gets
funnier every time. You’re being sarcastic, but I think it does actually
get funnier every time. We’re actually in the middle of breaking up
right now, – so if you could just – Yeah? – You’re in the middle of it?
– Yeah, that’s right. So would it be awkward if I joined you right now?
Yes, actually, it’s very awkward. Is that not clear? Yeah, this is
awkward right now? Yes, please leave. How are you, Mr. Peanutbutter? Oh,
living the dream, P.C., living the dream. Why are you making
conversation? Oh, let’s see, it’s the English word It’s called being
polite, BoJack. But am I crazy that this is a bad time? Always a
Clydesdale, never a Clyde, eh, BoJack? What? You’ll get that one later,
man. Erica, get out of here with that face. Would it kill you to be
civil? This is why we’re breaking up. So it’s not because of the thing
with the baby? It’s because of a lot of things! Waiter, could we please
have the check? – Thank you. – We haven’t even ordered yet. I have
wasted so many dinners on you, BoJack Horseman. I don’t know how you can
expect anyone else to love you when you so clearly hate yourself. – Here
you go. – Let me see that. $10 for bread? I don’t want to live in a
society where the premeal bread isn’t free. It is free if you order a
meal. Can you take me home, please? Yeah, but I didn’t even eat that
much bread. What did I have? I must have had You ate nine baskets, sir.
Nine really? Great, now I’m gonna feel like a fat ass all week. You’ve
seen me naked. Do you think I’m getting chubby? You want to know the
real reason we’re breaking up? What was that? Sorry. Couldn’t hear you
over the sound of my calories not metabolizing. This is so classic you.
You’re using this bread thing to avoid talking about our relationship.
No, that is definitely not happening. I’d like to go home now. You think
I’m fat. So yeah, technically I was dumped, but the real headline of the
evening was, “Dumb guy eats bread, gets fat, the end.” What kind of
headline is that? Wasn’t there a pizza here a second ago? God damn it!
Stop the presses. You’re not fat. Oh, hey, let’s throw a party. That’ll
cheer you up. No, it won’t. It’ll cheer you up. I’ll stand in the corner
by myself eating cotton candy until I barf like I did at your last
party. Hey, aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around? That was a good
party. Hey, didn’t we get a cotton candy machine for that party? Who
told you Princess Carolyn and I broke up? – She did. – What? You never
took me home, jerk! Oh, everything’s my fault. Take me home. Okay, jeez.
But I’m not looking for parking in Silver Lake. I’ll slow the car down
to a crawl, and you can duck and roll. You know what, you can take a
last look at this face, because it’s the last time you’re gonna see it.
Hey-up! Hello? I’ve got Princess Carolyn for you. Uh, okay. BoJack. Oh,
my God, we just broke up. Yeah, but I’m still your agent. I pride myself
on my ability to separate my professional life from my personal life.
Great. Then, as my agent, do you think I’m getting fat? No way. You are
in the prime of your life, never looked better. What about as my
ex-girlfriend? You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap
and then crapped out a third pile of crap. Wait, wait, so which pile of
crap do I look like? – The third one. – What? That’s the worst one. I’m
not calling you as your ex. I’m calling you as your agent. Remember that
book you’re pretending to write? Well, Penguin wants an update on your
progress. Does Tuesday work for you, or are you gonna be too busy this
week masturbating to old pictures of yourself? I told you, that’s not
what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture
represented. You walked in at the worst possible moment! So, Tuesday,
though? Yes, fine! Whoo! You don’t have anything? Hey, you got the
electricity back. Good for you. This company is in dire straits. We made
a series of very bad investments. Ever hear of a young adult franchise
called the Swamp Monsters of Malibu? Uh, no. Then why did we spend $20
million on marketing? It’s okay, Pinky, go to your happy place. Uh Look,
I know you’re a busy guy. Actually, I am a busy guy. I live a very
active lifestyle. Can’t I just stay home with you? I know kindergarten
is scary, but you’re a big girl now, and you have to be brave. Okay,
Daddy. Wait, did you just call me “Daddy”? Little Sabrina grew up right
before our eyes, right, Todd? Todd? Todd! What? Did Sabrina grow up
before our eyes? Yes! We’re tired of waiting. We’re hiring you a
ghostwriter. Diane “Nugent”? She’s great, and she’s got a thing for
horses. Check this out. Hey, Secretariat. You know, I always wanted to
play Secretariat in a movie. He’s kind of my personal hero. Could never
get the project off the ground, though. I mean, there was this one time
I came close in the ’90s, and people got tired of seeing running
on-screen. Don’t tell me. Tell her! She’s cute. Call her. That’s a loan,
by the way. We can’t afford to be giving out free books to people, but
you can take anything you want from the Swamp Monsters swag box. Oh,
God, I’m a failure. Oh, you’re not a failure. Why did I say I could
write a book? Because you have an amazing story to tell. – Relax. –
Relax? Easy for you to say, you hippie. You’ve never had a day of stress
in your life. Ow. Why? And that’s for trying to sell E on the cartel’s
turf. Oh, where’s Gabriela? She went back to Mexico City, ese, to be
with her husband. What? No! – Gabriela, why? – Who? We were talking
about me. Can you try to focus for, like, a second? Oh, yeah, sorry. You
were saying? Never should have signed this book deal. You know what my
problem is? I can’t say no to people because I want everyone to like me.
You want everyone to like you? Yeah, why? Do people not like me? Uh Uh
What were we talking about? I can see the headline now, “Stupid BoJack
writes a stupid book about his stupid life, nobody cares.” What
newspapers are you reading? Hey, why don’t you just let that lady write
your book and be done with it? Better question, why are you in my
kitchen? I’m making breakfast. We had sex last night, dummy. Ugh, I
really got to start putting my phone on airplane mode when I drink. This
lady probably thinks I’m just some dumb sitcom actor. I hate her and her
stupid, impossible-to-pronounce last name, Na-goo-ya-go-goo-goo-goo-ga.
You haven’t even met her. Give her a chance. Oh, you should invite her
to the party. What party? Why are you so obsessed with throwing a party
all of a sudden? Ow, ow, ow! You know how much money we lost ’cause of
you? I can’t even afford a hall now for my daughter’s 15th birthday, and
now I got a hundred guests coming and nowhere to put them. You owe me a
party, cabrón, and if you don’t deliver Because parties are fun? This
book is really important to me. I don’t want to just hand it off to some
stranger. If it’s so important, why have you written literally nothing
in a year and a half? It’s too much pressure. This book is my one shot
at preserving my legacy. I’m a joke, and if this book isn’t good, I’m
gonna be a joke forever. Everyone thinks that I’m just this washed-up
hack, but actually Oh, God, actually, what if they’re right? I can’t
breathe. Am I dying? Toast. I smell burning toast! Oh, my God, my toast!
Todd, on my grave, I want it to say that I was born in 1975. No one’s
gonna believe Damn it, can’t you respect a dying man’s wish? You’re not
dying. Well, we did everything we could. Nurse, record the time of
death. It doesn’t get easier. It never gets easier. What I don’t What do
you mean he’s dead? That’s right, sweetheart. He died of a broken heart
because you didn’t appreciate him enough, and now he’s gone forever. We
might have gone too dark on that series finale. I’m required to hand you
over to the child protective services. You’re the state’s problem now.
No! Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go? Linus walked
around with a blanket. No one gave him shit for it. How long is that
doctor going to take? I have a meeting with another client at 3:00. You
have other clients? No, I make a living off you sitting on your ass all
day. Are your other clients more talented than I am? Your silence speaks
volumes. Well, BoJack, it looks like what you experienced was a mild
anxiety attack. Jesus, if that’s mild, I don’t want to know what spicy
feels like. Too smart for the room? It was a salsa joke, people. You’ve
been overstressed. I need you to take it easy. Take it easy, are you
kidding? He doesn’t have a job. He has no real responsibilities. He
doesn’t do anything but take it easy. Well, can you take it even easier?
I can try, doctor. I can try. This book deal is obviously stressing you
out. Will you just call the ghostwriter already? What, you want me to
call this woman on the phone? Well, you just had another anxiety attack.
And Entertainment Weekly said I wasn’t consistent. Really, not even a
pity laugh? I did almost die. Ha. I have to check on some other
patients. You have other patients? BoJack, let’s have a party, okay?
I’ll organize the whole thing. You can invite the ghostwriter and have a
nice, casual conversation in a fun, pressure-free environment. Okay,
fine. We’ll have a party. Oh, thank God. But we’re not getting a cotton
candy machine. I can’t control myself around those things. I totally
hear what you are saying, and I will do my best. Señor Horseman, I will
never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally for
life. Mwah. Let’s dance! Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these
people? Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life. Is
this a quinceañera? Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a
quinceañera? Now who’s racist? I find that piñata offensive. If you’ll
excuse me, I have a Virgin of Guadalupe pendant to present. BoJack! Oh,
good Lord. Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Can you believe this, the two of us in
the same house? Is this a crossover episode? No, I’m just kidding
around, man. Seriously, though, how are you? Well, I’ve been kind of up
and Living the dream, huh? Yeah. Hey, we’ll catch up later, all right? I
want to talk to you. Erica, how are you looking so beautiful? I’m
furious. Hey, BoJack, right? – BoJack Horseman? – Yes. Oh, I’m I’m
sorry, I don’t want to mispronounce your name. It’s Diane. Oh, Diane.
Thanks for inviting me to your party. Sorry I haven’t really been
mingling. I get kind of awkward at parties. – Have you tried alcohol? –
I don’t know. Parties make me anxious in a real broad sense. Like, look
at that guy. He’s having fun. Why haven’t I figured it out? What guy?
No, there’s no guy there. I’m just saying, like, a guy, you know? Oh,
okay, yeah. I’m probably just overthinking it because I never got the
practice because I didn’t get invited to any parties in high school.
What am I talking about? You don’t care about any of that. Shut up,
Diane. You’re at a party, compliment the host. You have a lovely home.
Yeah, well, if you’re gonna throw away most of your adult life on some
dumb sitcom, you might as well get a sweet house out of the deal, right?
So what are you working on these days? Well, mostly I just sit around
the house and complain about things. Yeah, how’s that working out for
you? I can’t complain, so you know. No, I will not have sex with you!
This girl wants me to have sex with her. No, I’m just kidding around.
You’re a good sport. – Ugh, you know who that is? – Mr. Peanutbutter?
Yeah, he was on that show Mr. Peanutbutter’s House about that dog who
adopted the three human kids. What a dumb idea for a TV show. You people
are all right. Who wants an autograph? He’s so stupid he doesn’t realize
how miserable he should be. I envy that. Hey, do you know the story of
the dad from The Brady Bunch? Do I know his story? If I recall
correctly, he was bringing up three boys of his own. Right, but They
were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is
profoundly sad. No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated
being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered
it beneath him. Sound familiar? That’s not all that was beneath him. Gay
joke. Sorry, I’m better than that. Most people don’t even get to do The
Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives.
You’re actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty
much do anything you want. You’re responsible for your own happiness,
you know? – Good Lord, that’s depressing. – No, it’s not. I’m
responsible for my own happiness? I can’t even be responsible for my own
breakfast. Todd! I need help. What would make you happy? Well, finishing
my memoir, I guess. Is that all? I can help you with that. Yeah? I mean,
would you even want to? You’d have to spend a lot of time with me. You’d
probably get sick of me. I don’t think that’s going to happen. – No? –
No, BoJack. Okay. Well, then I guess you’re hired, but don’t put all
that stuff about how sad I am in the book. Oh, that doesn’t count. We
weren’t on the clock yet. Yeah, exactly. You’re only my ghostwriter
starting nah – Starting now. – You got it. – BoJack! – Ugh, this guy.
Hey, man, wanted to let you know, you are out of beer. Oh, I see you’ve
met my beautiful girlfriend, Diane Nguyen. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a
second. You drank all my beer? – Also, you two are dating? – Yeah. –
You’re dating him? – Yes. This is your boyfriend? – That is correct. –
Uh-huh. – You are going out with you? – Uh-huh. But in a sexual way, not
just as friends? – That’s right. – You have seen her naked. Many times,
yes. – You are attracted to this? – Yes. This penis has been inside this
vagina. – Yep. – But in a sexual way. Oh, yes. Humph. – Ugh. – Oh, my
God. Are you okay? I’m just I’m fine. I’m just I’m really happy for you.
Should we get someone, or No, everything’s Oh, this is really Wonderful.
Oh, God. Starting now. Boxer versus raptor. Next Episode Bojack Horseman
1 2 BoJack Hates the Troops Say when. When. Yeah, you’ll never guess who’s
here. Think ‘90s. No, BoJack Horseman from Horsin’ Around. No, I mean,
he got a little fatter, but it’s definitely him. He looks really sad.
It’s hilarious. Get over here now. I told you, I don’t know where it is.
Don’t put things in my butt if you want them back. And hold for Princess
Carolyn, please. Thanks, Laura. d When you’re walking alone d d Because
Jellicles are And Jellicles do d d Jellicles do and Jelli d BoJack, it’s
your favorite agent. Yeah, some agent, you couldn’t even get me in the
room for War Horse. There were, like, ten horses in that movie. I didn’t
need to be the warhorse. Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you’re all
set for your first day with Diane tomorrow. Is she gonna ask me a bunch
of personal questions? The woman we’re paying to ghostwrite your memoir?
Yeah, probably. Okay, all right, there’s no need to get What, catty? Are
you gonna say catty? – I was not gonna say catty. – Oh, what were you
gonna say? I was gonna say catty because you’re a cat. Goodbye, BoJack.
Laura, I know you’re listening. You got it, right? Laura, do not respond
to him. Goodbye, BoJack. She got it. Oh, my God. Take another one. Take
another one. Excuse me, I just wanted you to know that you ruined
someone else’s night tonight, and I hope you have enough decency to at
least feel a little bit crappy about it. Excuse me? I was actually
already in a bad mood, but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out
to a bar and try to forget about myself, but now because of you and your
friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever. If we were bothering you
so much, why didn’t you just leave? Because I didn’t think of that, and
now I feel stupid. Look, I have a right to be here. No! Maybe because
you’re skinny and maybe ’cause you’re pretty, you’re used to getting
away with things, but I want you to know that your actions have an
effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and you
not understanding that you’re a horrible person doesn’t make you less of
a horrible person. You think I’m pretty? Well, that was another in a
long series of regrettable life choices. What’d you say? I was tweeting
about all the weird stuff you do in bed. – Good morning. – Ah! Why are
you here? I slept here. Yeah, but why are you still here? Breakfast.
That better not be my last Toaster Strudel. No, there were three left.
Well, get out of here. My memoirist is gonna show up soon, and I don’t
need you – What’s your name? – Pam. I don’t need you Pam-ing up the
place when she gets here. – Hey, BoJack. – Ah! Why are you here? – You
told me to come at 9:00. – That doesn’t sound like me. I have your email
right here. “Diane, why don’t you come over Tuesday morning at 9:00?
Also, you should bring this email with you because I might not remember
it because I just took a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha. Also,
please don’t put in my book that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha. I
just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night and then a much,
much larger dose to get me through the day. Also, I’m drunk. Also, I’m
alone, so alone, so, so alone. Please don’t put that in my book, book,
book, book ‘em, dildo. Does it taste like magenta in here?” Then I think
you fell asleep on the keyboard because it just says the letter “B” 27
times. That does sound like me. Well, anyway, this is my businessperson
Excuse me? Here to help me with some business needs. – All very above
board. – Uh, what’d you say? No need to mention her in the book either,
unless it’s a business book. Ha ha, classic BoJack. Why are you here?
Oh, funny story, I’m filming a reality show later, so I thought I’d drop
by with the old tennis ball and chain. That is neither funny nor a story
nor a reason for you to drop by. Aw, he just wanted to come over and
brag about his reality show. Get this, I am starring in a pilot
presentation for a celebrity reality show. It’s pretty cutting edge,
huh? Yeah, if it’s 2003. Ha ha. Don’t tell VH1 that. Seriously, though,
please don’t tell VH1 that. We are calling it Peanutbutter and Jelly.
Get it? – Because I’m Mr. Peanutbutter. – Okay, who’s jelly? No, no, no.
It’s like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s wordplay. You may
have too forgiving a definition of the word “wordplay.” Well, it’s a
working title. Well, it could be working harder, and that’s wordplay.
How’d you even get in here? Your roommate let us in. Mi casa es su casa.
And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels, and now my morning is
ruined. Could you guys keep it down, okay? I’m kind of on a date right
now. In America, I am actually considered very handsome. Okay, I’m gonna
go get breakfast, and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house
except for you and you and – Who are you again? – The girl you had sex
with. Right. You definitely should have already been gone. I really
shouldn’t eat chocolate ’cause it can literally kill me. Oh, I know. –
But I love chocolate. – Story of my life. Hey, excuse me. Yes, I am
BoJack Horseman, star of Horsin’ Around. Yeah, okay, I don’t care. Those
are my muffins. I’m sorry, I I don’t understand. Did you bring them into
the store with you? No, but I was going to buy them. That’s the last
box, and I had dibs on them. Really? You had dibs? Yeah, dibs. I just
put them down for a second while I went to the bathroom. Look, I don’t
even want the muffins. I was just looking at them, but I got to say, if
you put muffins down, they’re not your muffins. So what, I was supposed
to take them into the bathroom with me? You didn’t even put the muffins
in a cart. You just left them out here. Yeah, in the produce section.
Clearly, muffins aren’t supposed to be in the produce section. That
wasn’t a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs? Look, I don’t
want to get into a whole thing here. Then give me the muffins. No,
‘cause maybe now I want the muffins. You think that because you’re a
pseudo-celebrity, normal rules don’t apply to you? Pseudo? Would you say
that to Eric McCormack? Look, I’ve had a rough morning, so I don’t need
You’ve had a rough morning? I spent the last ten months Hey! Sorry,
wasn’t listening. See ya. You’re going to regret this, BoJack Horseman.
Oh, really? I’m gonna regret buying muffins? What, have they got a lot
of saturated fat in them? Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat.
Why’d I buy these? Man, I really regret buying those muffins and then
eating them all on the drive home. Well, my date with Ayako went really
well. Thanks for asking. I specifically didn’t ask, and I’ll thank you
to respect my total lack of interest in your personal life. She’s
hilarious. I never met a girl who was so curious about American bank
routing numbers. Still not interested. Should we get started on the
book? What’s your hurry? What do you guys think I should get Ayako for
our 12-hour anniversary? She wants a framed picture of my mother’s
maiden name. Okay, let’s get to work. Let’s start at the beginning. What
was your childhood like? – Normal. – Normal? Yeah, it was, uh, normal
normal childhood stuff. Here’s your omelet. I’m sorry it’s not as good
as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you’re not married to your
secretary, are you? Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an
abortion, I would be. Mommy, can I have an omelet? You’re the birthday
boy. Normal childhood, and then just get right into the big, famous
part. Look, if you’re not ready to talk, we can wait. I am ready to
talk. Why wouldn’t I want to talk about my parents? They’re so normal.
That’s crazy. You sound like a crazy person, not me. Stop being so
crazy, crazy. Why are you calling me crazy? Okay. Was your father Hold
on, I got to take this. Hello? Hey, BoJack, I’ve got Princess Carolyn
for you. – It’s urgent. – Great, put her on. Just a sec. I’ll see if
she’s available. d When you’re walking alone d d Because Jellicles are
And d BoJack, are you watching MSNBSea right now? Great question. Well,
I didn’t fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to
MSNBSea while simultaneously crippling myself, thus physically forcing
me to watch MSNBSea, so no. No, I’m not watching MSNBSea right now.
Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on. They’re talking about
you. Ooh! Good things, I hope. Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a
naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.
Thank you, Tom. Hey, I met this guy. All Neal wanted when he got home
and I emphasize, from Afghanistan was his favorite brand of breakfast
muffins. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box
Well, tell us what happened, Neal. BoJack Horseman, from the ’90s sitcom
Horsin’ Around, refused to respect my dibs. Have you no shame, BoJack
Horseman? Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party. Oh, not the sneezing
pic Why do they always use the sneezing picture? In the ’90s, we laughed
at your antics. Oh, how we laughed.”Ha ha ha,” we chortled in rapturous
glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the
frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke, indeed, and
you’ll forgive me if I chortle no longer, for, to me, there is nothing
the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy
SEAL. Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL? I didn’t know he
was a Navy SEAL. I just thought he was the regular kind of seal. This is
classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on
TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack, now
I’m on TV, so now I’m better than everybody! That’s right, Neal. You
didn’t even have dibs, you stupid sea cow. You guys think I should call
in and set the record straight? BoJack, these people feed off
controversy. If you dignify the story with a response, it’s just gonna
fan I’m now receiving word that we’ve got BoJack himself on the phone.
Sorry, stopped listening. You were ramping up to a “yes,” right? BoJack,
what you did today was a slap in the face of America’s heroes. Will you
apologize? Okay, enough about America’s heroes. Can we talk about dibs?
Because he didn’t even really have dibs. If he had legitimate dibs Oh, I
had dibs on the muffins. I hid them in the produce section! You left
them totally out in the open. That’s hiding? How did you survive in
Afghanistan? Those are my muffins! You give me back my muffins! Hey,
guess what, I can’t give them back ’cause I ate them all, okay? Dude.
Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins?
Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I
hate myself. Is that what you want to hear? Neal, was it a small
container of muffins, like two to four muffins? No, Tom, there were a
good deal more than that. Can you remember exactly how many muffins were
in the box? Yeah, there were exactly 12! I ate 12 muffins, and I didn’t
even want one! There’s your goddamn news story, the mystery of my
missing goddamn self-respect! How’d I come off? Well, that went slightly
better than the worst it could have possibly gone, so hooray? It’s not
even about the muffins. Everyone is just out to get me because I’m
famous and so well-adjusted. Well, at least you’ve got some privacy. My
boyfriend’s filming a reality show at our house. If I want to be alone,
I have to go to the roof because it’s the only place they don’t have
insurance to film. You go on the roof? Yeah, just to get some work done.
Is that really weird? No, it’s adorable. When I was a kid, I used to
climb onto the roof with my dad and look at the stars. What about you?
Were you close with your father? Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. What is this
supposed to be, a lima bean? It’s a heart. That’s some shoddy
craftsmanship, son. – I tried my best. – No, you didn’t. You slacked off
and took the easy way out. In this world, you can either do things the
easy way or the right way. You take a boat from here to New York, you
gonna go around the horn like a gentleman or cut through the Panama
Canal like some kind of democrat? Um, the canal? You go around the horn
the way God intended! Uneventful. – What? – What? I asked if you were
close with your father, and you sat here in silence for five minutes and
then said, “Uneventful.” You know what, this is a really good
conversation, and I definitely want to keep having it, but I just keep
thinking about the muffins thing, so maybe we could put a pin in this
thorough deconstruction of my past, so I can put that other thing to bed
before it spirals out of con I had dibs! – My dibs were on those
muffins! – Your dibs were void! I spent a year in Afghanistan making
America safer, and this is the thanks I get? Really, you, specifically,
made America safer? Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the
troops are heroes. I don’t agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are
heroes but not automatically. I’m sure a lot of the troops are jerks.
Most people are jerks already, and it’s not like giving a jerk a gun and
telling him it’s okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a
hero. What? Did you just say you think the troops are jerks? Oh, you
took that the bad way, didn’t you? I’m sure a lot of the troops are
jerks. No, no, no. – The troops are jerks? – Oh, God. Most people are
jerks already, and it’s not like giving a jerk a gun Hello? Princess
Carolyn needs to talk to you immediately. Great, put her on. She’s
actually just getting out of a meeting. – Can you hold for a sec? – You
called me. d When you’re walking alone d d Because Jellicles are And
Jellicles do d Ugh. d Jellicles would And Jellicles can d – BoJack. –
Ah! I’m gonna level with you, honey. This whole you hating the troops
thing is not great. I don’t hate the troops. I just hate one specific
troop. I don’t even hate him, really. I just think that he’s wrong about
the muffins. I know, BoJack just like always, you’re right, and everyone
else is wrong. But if you don’t swallow your pride, this is never gonna
let up. – I know you’re stubborn – I’m not stubborn. – I’m proud. –
That’s kind of the same thing. No, it’s an important distinction. Okay,
fine. You’re not stubborn. But I’m about to tell you something very
important, so I want you to listen carefully. I’m getting another call.
I’m gonna have to put you on hold. d When you’re walking alone d d
Because Jellicles are And Jellicles do d It is now day three of the
great BoJack jerk-off Really? That’s the name we came up with for this?
Who came up with that? Was it Randy? Did Randy come up with that?
Anyway, the former television actor who hates our troops has not left
his home since his controversial remarks on Monday about how he hates
the troops. BoJack Horseman makes me sick. He voiced his opinion, even
though it was unpopular, and that’s the most cowardly thing a person can
do. After we made love, he covered himself in sheets like an Arab. At
this very moment, Congress is voting on a major education bill that
could completely restructure the Joan, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but
we’ve got some big news on the BoJack Horseman front. It appears that
BoJack’s Lexus is coming out of the garage. This is very big news,
indeed. Any comment on BoJack’s controversial remarks this week? Uh,
nope. So where are we going? Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. Whoa! Jeez.
Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto. _ _ _ _ _
Hey, I meant I was rich because I have friends like George Bailey. _ _
_ Hello? Well, I’m out of ideas. We can hide out at my place while we
make a plan. Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras. Do we
really need to be filming this? It’s for my reality show. You never know
when gold’s gonna strike. Yeah, gold doesn’t strike. That’s why you
never know. BoJack, be nice. Just pretend they’re not there. Okay. Well,
I Could you speak up, please? – I’d like to – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That’s too loud. I want to fix this as quickly as possible. I don’t care
who was right about the muffins anymore, even though I was definitely
right. I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing my tell-all
memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again. I’ve already reached
out to the McBeal camp. He’s willing to publicly forgive you if you
publicly apologize and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol of
your great admiration for the American military and everything they do.
But I ate the muffins. I know. We got another box. It’s in the cupboard.
Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too. We’ve been here for ten
minutes! It’s okay, we’ll get more muffins. I’ll get the muffins, and
they’re on me. I just found out I got I’m helping! Hooray! So where are
we gonna do this? Do I have to go on MSNBSea? No, we should do it
somewhere people will actually see it. Oh, why don’t you do it on
Peanutbutter and Jelly? You can’t call a show Peanutbutter and Jelly if
there’s no jelly. It’s a pun. It’s not a pun if it only works one way.
Is this a necessary conversation to be having right now? Look, I know
tempers are high, but let’s not take it out on the great title for my
reality show, which we all agree is really clever. We can edit this to
make me look smart, right? d Yeah d – d Peanutbutter d – d Come on d
How’s this look? Looks good? – Okay. – Marker, sound, speed. Well, here
I am, hanging out with my good friend BoJack Horseman, enjoying each
other’s company, as we often do. Yes, this is all very authentic and
natural. Oh, someone’s at the door! I will see who it is. Wow, this is a
surprise. Neal McBeal. Hello, sir. Thank you for inviting me into your
home. It is lovely. BoJack, is there anything you’d like to give Neal
McBeal? Ahem. Oh, yeah, Todd? What the hell is this? I tried to buy the
muffins, but my bank card got declined for some reason. But don’t worry,
I still saved the day because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns.
I’m sorry? Yeah, they’re just giving them away behind In-N-Out. Why does
anybody pay for anything? Ow. Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration,
please accept this bag of stale hamburger buns. – What? – Yes, hamburger
buns. It’s a symbol for how we throw our veterans in the trash, sadly,
far too often. I’m listening. We send our muffins overseas, and they
come back as stale hamburger buns, but that doesn’t mean we should love
them any less, because in their own way, aren’t stale hamburger buns
just as good? Mmm. American made. So what you’re saying is, you think
I’m a hero. Well, I don’t know if I Say it, BoJack. Say I’m a hero.
You’re a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one. Great. And I
don’t believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects
those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns.
Okay, you can let go of the bag now. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent
about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that
claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the
answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.
Yeah, me neither. I think we’re in agreement here. Furthermore, I do not
find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place
on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the
complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty
catchphrases. Okay. And finally, I don’t Hey, look, Mr. Peanutbutter got
a bucket stuck on his head. Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me
where I am? Hey, where’d he get that bucket from? Who gave him a bucket?
Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make. Yeah, but who
doesn’t love a dog with a bucket on his head? Come on. Bucket! Bucket!
Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Hey, can anyone find a handle?
Oh, thank you, my friend. You’re a real hero. Unbelievable. What’s your
name, young lady? Well, my real name’s Angela, but my friends call me
Jelly. What? Oh, my God, did we get that? Please tell me we got that.
You want a day-old hamburger bun? I’m all right. How’d it go down there?
You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear
what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth. I want
to hear the truth. I don’t know if you want to tell it, though. What do
you mean? Mr. Normal Childhood, Mr. Uneventful Father? Look, I can write
you the standard empty-calorie celebrity tell-some, if that’s what
you’re looking for, but I thought you might want more than that. I do.
Well, then you’re going to have to open up and give me something real.
What, you think I can’t open up? Well, I don’t know if you can or not.
You certainly haven’t. Okay, from now on, full truth, warts and all.
You’re not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you? I don’t know,
are you an asshole? Okay, full truth, here we go. You want to know about
my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother
was the heiress to the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune, and my dad resented
her for it. He used to make me cry with him while listening to Cole
Porter records. He made me build my own tree house, and then he tore it
down while I was at summer camp because instead of hearty, Christian
nails, I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails. Like I said,
totally normal. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 3 Prickly-Muffin 1×03 – Prickly Muffin Who wants chocolate chip pancakes?
I do! I do! Ethan, didn’t you already eat your pancakes? As Oliver North
would say, “I do not recall.” Hey, where’s Sabrina? Not hiding under the
table, that’s for sure. Aww Why don’t you guys leave this one to me? Why
aren’t you dressed for school, prickly muffin? I’m scared. Olivia told
me sometimes, at school they have pop quizzes. I don’t want to pop!
That’s too much, man. Sabrina, nobody’s popping on my watch. You stick
with me, and I promise you, everything’s gonna be just fine. – Cut, boom
in the shot. – What? I’ll be in my trailer. Nah, I’m just horsin’
around. You folks enjoying the show? And how about Sara Lynn as Sabrina?
Isn’t she wonderful? Oh. Thank you. Sarah Lynn. You remember that name.
Back to one, everybody. – Hey, you see those people? – Yeah. Well, those
boobs and jerk wads are the best friends you’ll ever have. Without them,
you’re nothing. Remember that. Let’s take it back to “prickly muffin.”
Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try
to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they’ll be good
to you. We are rolling. Sound speed. The most important thing is, you
got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it
empties you out until there’s nothing left to empty. No matter what
happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don’t stop dancing, and you
don’t stop smiling, and you give those people what they want. And
action. Why aren’t you dressed for school, prickly muffin? You might
remember her as adorable Sabrina from Horsin’ Around, but on her new
dance pop album, Sarah Lynn wants you to know that she is hot to trot.
Why don’t you touch my prickly muffin? My prickly muffin Ooh, prickly
And it’s muffin, and it’s It’s ready for your stuffing What is the
message behind your music? America needs to know that I’m not that
little girl anymore. I’m a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have
sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay, and since I’m sexy
right now, they like me. Are you at all worried that audiences will grow
bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing? Are you kidding? I’m
Sarah freaking Lynn. I’m gonna be sexy forever! Pop star and child
actress, Sarah Lynn, celebrates her 30th birthday this month, raising
the question, “does anyone care about Sarah Lynn anymore?” After all,
she is 30. Here to answer that question, sexy, 14-year-old dubstep
wunderkind, Sextina Aquafina. Hey! Sextina, what’s your take? I love
Sarah Lynn. I grew up on her music, okay, and she’s, like, an
inspiration, but now, she is old, and shriveled, and gross, and nobody
want her no more, okay? – They want Sextina Aquafina, baby! – Ha ha!
You’re delightful. So where does Sarah Lynn go from here? Oh, you know
where she should go? She should go wherever famous people go when
they’re done being famous, and nobody cares if they live or die. Who
could that be? Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? I do! I do! – Why
are you talking to me? – I thought maybe if I said that, you’d make me
chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, come on, buddy. It’s a beautiful morning,
the sun is shining, – birds are chirping – Hey, BoJack, – any plans for
the weekend? – Still hate the troops, Boj? – Why don’t you refill your
bird feeder, huh? – Yeah, who’s a bird got to blow – to get some seed
around here? – Good one. Let’s do something fun today. – Like what? –
Like a cannonball! Like a “buying you a new bed”? Wow, everything in
this store is made out of old train tracks and a reclaimed pier. Oh,
great, for ten grand, I can sleep like a hobo. Do we need letter openers
made out of Confederate bayonets? It says they’re stained with authentic
Yankee blood. O-M-G. O-M-G! O-M-M-F-C-S-D-V-R-Q-Q-P-Q-F-G! – I know. –
Ugh. Yeah, it’s me, straight off your TV screens and into your shitty
lives. It’s Sarah Lynn and Andrew Garfield. Huh? What the ? – And what’s
your name, darling? – I mm I’ll just make it out to “Evelyn.” Uh – Um,
hi. Sarah Lynn, hi. – BoJack? Hey. Andrew, this is BoJack, my TV dad.
Oh, hello, I’m Andrew Garfield. Andrew’s my boyfriend. We’re a celebrity
power couple. It’s no big deal. It’s a really big deal. Sarah Lynn, I
actually wanted to talk to you about that. When we started dating, you
were the biggest star in the world, but your last few albums tanked, so
now, I don’t even know what you are anymore. Are you Are you breaking up
with me? – Oh, bother. – Um, are those candy pills, ‘cause if so, that
is a lot of sugar. Why are you doing this to me?! Do you like seeing me
suffer? Because you know I’ll bleed for you. – Oh! – Damn! – Oh, dear. –
Whoa-oh-oh. Um Darling, please, I wanted to do this in a public place so
you wouldn’t make a scene. You think I won’t make a scene, you limey
bastard? Then you really don’t know me at all. Hey, everyone! Who wants
to see me take a dump on that sofa? And then she took a dump on a sofa
made out of a reclaimed propeller. Where’s Sarah Lynn now? I checked her
into Promises. How did it feel to check the girl you raised on
television into rehab? It was tough. I would have liked to reconnect
with her. At least we got to bond a little on the drive to Malibu. I can
see my organs. Oh, whoa! She is losing a lot of blood, BoJack. Beautiful
day for a drive, though, huh? Well, maybe the two of you can catch up
some more when she gets out of rehab. People don’t usually want to hang
out with me after rehab. I’m really more of a before-rehab friend. I
think it’s gonna be a long time before I see Sarah Lynn again. Who could
that be? Look, BoJack, I appreciate what you were trying to do, but I
don’t need rehab. Look, good as new, huh? Oh, great, well, that’s a
relief. Uh, should you be taking all those pills? It’s
dexitriathylphenolbarbatol. – I got it from a doctor. – Your doctor or
just a doctor? I don’t know, some doctor, okay? I met him at Adam
Levine’s Halloween party. – I think he said his name was Dr. Who. –
Yeah, I don’t think that was Ohh, God damn. Uh, are you supposed to be
snorting it like that? Ugh! What are you, the paramedic who restarted my
heart at Adam Levine’s Halloween party? Okay, so before we put to bed
the whole – you going to rehab thing – BoJack, all my life, I’ve never
been forced to confront my problems head on. No one has ever said “no”
to me, ever, so is it cool if instead of confronting my problems head
on, I just hide out here for a little bit? Sarah Lynn, I hear what
you’re saying, and I think I know what you need. You just need a strong,
responsible adult to say: “Yes. Yes, you can move in with me.” This is
gonna be fun. Hey, everyone, the old gang’s getting back together. Three
little orphans One, two, three Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? –
I do! I do! – Uh, what’s going on in here? Morning, sleepy-pooh, you
want pancakes? Yeah, that sounds great. Ooh, tough break, champ. I just
gave the last one to Sarah Lynn. Early bird gets the worm. More like
early turd gets the sperm. Wha “Early turd gets the sperm,” nice one,
Sarah Lynn. You should do a Shouts and Murmurs. Help yourself to some
cold wheat bran, sport. Ugh. Thanks for letting me crash here, BoJack.
The guest room is yours as long as you want. You have a guest room? Why
have I been sleeping on the couch for five years? You’ll get the guest
room when you’ve earned the guest room. These pancakes are so good. All
Andrew ever wanted to eat was stupid lasagna. – Andrew Garfield loves
lasagna? – I don’t want to talk about him! BoJack, can you drive me to
the mall today? I really want to go shopping, but I’m not allowed to
drive because somebody got a DUI. Uh, that somebody was you, right? I
don’t have to answer your questions! What are you, the cop that pulled
me over after Adam Levine’s Halloween party? Honey, do you really think
going to the mall’s a good idea? I seem to recall another time you went
shopping when things got pretty out of control. Oh, that’s too much,
man! Oh. Really? Not the time when she gored herself with a bayonet and
shat on a floor model? Hey, I’m not the crazy one. Andrew’s the one who
flies off the handle whenever his agent sets up an audition on a Monday.
Andrew Garfield hates Mondays and loves lasagna? I said I don’t want to
talk about it! – She said drop it, Todd! – Whatever, I don’t want to go
to the stupid mall. I’ll just tell my friends to come here. Muffin, I’ve
got to work on my book today, and I can’t have a bunch of folks over
making a lot of noise. Oh, I see. I’m a burden to you. No, no, no, no,
no. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. I’m no longer cute, so I have nothing to
offer this world. Honey, of course your friends are always welcome here.
Cool. Bye. – Can I invite a frien – No. You let that basket case into
your house? That girl is a PR hurricane that you don’t need right now.
She has nowhere else to turn. She broke up with her boyfriend. She
stabbed herself and closed the wound with duct tape. – She fired her
agent. – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, horsey. Did you say Sarah Lynn
doesn’t have an agent? Laura, hold my calls, cancel everything! Ahab’s
got a white whale to catch, baby! Uh, hello? Still there? Oh, th that’s
that’s fragile. Uh, no, oh, no, wait. Careful. Careful. Careful. Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey! Ah! Lemur! Great party, Sarah Lynn. Hi, what it is,
banana bread? I’m not looking for a new agent right now. Oh, whoa, whoa.
Who says I’m looking for a new client? Slow your roll, Speed Racer.
We’re just two single ladies having a no-presh rap sesh. I’m not one of
those agents who can’t turn it off. Your Ari Emanuels and Vanessa Geckos
and what have you. Vanessa Gecko is actually Andrew’s agent, and she’s
really great. Is she? I’ve heard that. I didn’t realize you were so into
house music. Look, I asked her to turn it down, but apparently, this
volume was prescribed by Dr. Who to treat something called “uptight
dickhead disease.” What do you What do you think about Sarah Lynn? Oh, I
don’t really think about her all that much. I mean, obviously, I’m a fan
of her early work which both satirized and celebrated youth culture’s
obsession with sex, but I do wonder as a third-wave feminist if it’s
even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply
entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so is just a lie we
tell ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze. – Uh,
what? – But you know, on the other hand, I worry that conversations like
this one often dismiss her as a mere puppet of the industry – That’s my
same worry. – incapable of engaging – in these discussions herself –
Obviously. and infantilization, which is itself a product – of the
deeply misogynistic – So deep. society we live in. But like I said, I
don’t really think about her all that much. Okay, well, that is very
interesting, but I was more asking, like, what do you think about her
living here? Oh, right. Well, what was your relationship like with her
when you were working on the show? It was very good, very professional.
BoJack, where did you go to college? – Don’t bother him, honey. – Oh,
it’s no problem. Honey, college is for ugly people who can’t tap dance.
– I want to be an architect. – Sweetheart, Mommy didn’t do what Mommy
did to that Star Search producer so that you could be an architect. –
Aw. – All right, – take it sleazy, everybody. – Wait, BoJack, um, what
are you doing this weekend? I don’t know. I’ll probably just go to the
amusement park, maybe the circus, fly a kite on the beach, watch the
sunset, then I’ll head back to my place to watch any number of Disney
princess movies while eating ice cream straight from the tub. Whoa, that
sounds like so much fun. Can I come? Yeah, like I want to spend my
weekend hanging out with a little girl. Good one! You should write for
the Shouts and Murmurs. See you Monday! So the makeup they were putting
on you was not for the show, it was just for the weekend? – Why does
that matter? – I’m just trying to understand the story. Do you think
it’s possible that you inviting Sarah Lynn into your house now is your
way of compensating for not No, Diane, I’m just helping out a friend.
I’m not trying to play out some weird, sick dad fantasy, or resolve a
deep guilt for past neglect, or even try to retroactively fix my own
childhood by recreating someone else’s, and I’m especially not doing all
those things at once! Okay. What happened? Did somebody hurt my precious
baby? Sarah Lynn! Ah! What the ? Oh, hey, BoJack. I told my friends they
could tear this wall out to build a sweet cocaine booth/sex closet. – Is
that cool? – No, that’s not cool. Oof. Way to harsh the vibe, Kissinger.
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I thought this was a place where Sarah
Lynn could finally be Sarah Lynn, but I guess – that’s too much, man. –
I always loved that catch phrase. Can your friends at least take the
artwork off the wall first? Ooh. I want to say yes, but no. – Okay, good
talk. – Wha Are you serious? The reason I have called this house meeting
is Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don’t have the
authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You
can propose a house meeting. All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason
I propose – this house meeting – Your proposal has been submitted and is
under board review. – Proposal denied. – BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing
is getting out of control, okay? She’s taking advantage of you. What? No
she’s not. We have a special relationship. You couldn’t possibly
understand. Oh, my God. Look at what she’s done to your house. All
right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I’m addicted
to heroin now, so now, that’s probably gonna be a whole thing. I have to
say, I agree with Todd. You’re not this girl’s father, and you’re not
doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries. Look, I played a dad
for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about
parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin’ Around didn’t need
boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love. BoJack!
This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life. Ah! Lemur on fire! Lemur
on fire! Some good, old-fashioned love, and I’m gonna give it to her.
I’m gonna give it to her so hard. You know, I feel like we don’t ever
hang out. Here you are, milady, a gin and nutmeg just like you asked.
Ugh. Too much nutmeg. Well, you know what would taste even better? An
endorsement for a Slovakian yogurt. Could Vanessa Gecko get you that?
Vanessa Gecko got Andrew The Social Network, and she has skybox seats at
the Staples Center. – What do you have? – Well, I’ve got a table at the
Comedy Central roast of Gloria Stein Hey, Sarah Lynn, what say we spend
the day together, just you and me, away from all the haters? – I want to
say yes, but – Great, let’s go. It really seems like Some things are
forever in this world Don’t you know I’m feeling fine together with my
girl Daddy’s girl She’s daddy’s girl You know, Sarah Lynn, I got a
feeling – everything’s gonna be okay. – Uh-huh. Hey, did you hear Kazaz
got cancer? What? Herb Kazaz has cancer? Yeah, in the butt. He’s got,
like, six months I think. Well, that’s horrible. Why would you tell me
that now? I don’t know. The sun setting over those two hills made me
think of a big ass, and that made me think of ass cancer, and that made
me think of Herb Kazaz’s ass cancer. You really didn’t know? No, Herb
and I aren’t on the best Look, I’m trying to have a moment here. I can’t
Hey, I want to give you something. – Is this your TV Guide award? – It’s
the most prestigious award I ever won. I always thought if I ever had
kids of my own, I’d give it to them one day. I want you to have it. Oh,
wow. BoJack, thanks. You’re sweet. Na-na-na-na La-la-la-la Na-na-na-na
La-la-la-la – What are you doing? – Shh. Just let the credits roll, let
the credits roll. Sha-na-na-na-na-na Special moment Exec Producer Garry
Marshall Na-na-na Such a happy day “Sit, Ubu, sit.” “Good dog.” “Arf.” –
Can we go home now? – Yeah, okay, we’re done. Hey now, boy, come and try
My clitoris is ginormous – Hello? – BoJack Horseman. Did you get rid of
your old TV Guide award? This pawnshop on La Cienega was selling one –
with your name on it. – What? Wait, why were you at a pawnshop? Oh, I
just have a guy there who calls me whenever TV awards come in so I can
buy ’em. I put my name on, it’s like I won it myself! I have two Golden
Globes and a People’s Choice forTemple Grandin. Sarah Lynn! Hello? You
still there? My clitoris is ginor Okay, party’s over. Everybody out. –
Aw! – Not you. You are in big trouble, young lady. I can’t believe you
pawned my award. It wasn’t personal. I just thought your award was
stupid, and I already have a billion other awards, and I wanted to get
money for drugs. Look, things have been tough for you, and I understand
that. I know what you’re going through right now. Oh, you know what I’m
going through? Why? Because you were on some dumb kids show a million
years ago? – Hey, now. – I had my own fashion line when I was ten. By
20, I was packing stadiums. I get letters every day from boys telling me
that I was the first girl they masturbated to. Literally, someone tells
me that every day. – That is gross. – Oh-ho, I know! You sit up here in
your little house and feel sorry for yourself? Oh, guess what, Bo-J, in
order to be a has-been, you have to have actually, – you know, been. –
You are way out of line! You’re not my dad. You’re just a rugged, older
man who provided me with a strong, masculine presence during my
formative years. I’m not your dad, and you’re not my child. We’re just a
man and a lady living in a house together, and we’re both adults, and
we’re both a little drunk. Who-o-o lit my ottoman on fire? – Seriously,
you seriously don’t know? – I’m a bad “widdle” girl. Yeah, you are bad,
very bad! You want me to put it out with my boob? – Uh, what? – Your
boob is a very impractical way to put out a fire. What is happening? I
think you have a serious drug problem. The only drug I need is horse.
Guys, guys, what are you doing? Please don’t do this. No, no. Why are
you This is a very bad idea. Can I at least get my blanket let me get my
blanket out from under Oh G Oh, my God, my arm. – You got my arm. – Ow!
Ow! I’m in it now. Oh, God, no! I’m a part of it. I still haven’t
regained the feeling in my fingers. That was the longest two minutes of
my life. Um, I think it was a little longer than two minutes. It was
longer than two minutes. How do you not get that this is terrible? Oh,
you mean from a P.R. standpoint? Yeah, ’cause if this got out, oh, I
would get flayed! Oh, I’m done being the voice of reason. It’s
exhausting. I got to take an angry nap. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I know. I know.
She’s taking advantage of me. Actually, it kind of feels like you’re the
one taking advantage of her. She’s the one with substance abuse problems
and daddy issues. Hey, we both have substance abuse problems – and daddy
issues. – Yeah, but she came to you for help. Hey, notice how I’ve been
ignoring you, playing hard to get? Only makes you want me more. Ugh. Go
stand on the other side of the room. – Okay. – Sarah Lynn, get your
coat. – I’m taking you to rehab. – Nah, I was gonna keep hanging out
here if that’s all right. – No, it’s not all right. – What? This place
isn’t good for you. You need to go where you can get help, real help.
But I thought you were always gonna be there for me like you said. I
will always be there for you. Cut, let’s take ten. That’s ten, everyone.
Let’s make it a tight ten. These pages are shit. you understand? Shit. I
wouldn’t wipe my ass with these pages. It would defeat the whole purpose
of wiping my ass. – Phone for you. – Uh-huh. You get me points on the
back end? Well, I told you I’m not gonna do it unless I get points. Oh,
they can’t find any? Well, maybe they could suck some out of my dick!
I’m on the phone. You’re being very rude. You promised me you would
always be there. Sarah Lynn, this is for your own good. You can’t stay
here anymore. Okie-doke. I guess I’ll just move out and find one of the
billion people who will let me party at their house. Uh, well, you
should not do that. Oh, I know. I know, but I can, so I will. I’m at a
place right now where I never need to grow as a person or rise to an
occasion because I can constantly just surround myself with sycophants
and enablers until I die tragically young. – Wh-What? – Yeah, it’s
pretty much too late for me. Well, them’s the breaks. Take it sleazy,
everybody. Oh, by the way, I called Vanessa Gecko, and I’m meeting with
her tomorrow. – Thanks for the suggestion. – No! No, no, no, no, no!
Hey, you guys want to hear my new catchphrase? Suck a dick, dumb shits!
Laura, the dummy took the bait. Now for phase two. Is she gone? Is it
safe to come out? Leak to the trades that Andrew Garfield’s agent is
taking meetings with his ex, get it all over town, wait an hour, then
get me lunch with Andrew on the books for this weekend, someplace
Italian. I really blew it, didn’t I? I mean, maybe you could have been a
better role model when she was young, but also, she never really had a
chance. This is what our celebrity culture does to people. So what
you’re saying is: Everything is society’s fault, and we as individuals
never need to take responsibility for anything? Uh, no. Not exactly. I
was just saying that Yeah. I like that. I didn’t do anything wrong
because I can’t do anything wrong because we’re all just products of our
environment, bouncing around like marbles in the game of Hungry Hungry
Hippos that is our random and cruel universe. Wait, no, that’s not even
what I’m saying Yeah, It’s not my fault. It’s society. Everything is
because of society! – BoJack, that – Dude, just let him have this.
Hooray! Everything is meaningless! Nothing I do has consequence! – So
what’d you get, anything good? – Oh, I got everything. Back in the ’90s
I was in a very famous TV show – # I’m BoJack the horse # – # BoJack
# BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold
on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess
I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or
I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus raptor. Na na na na na na
na na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 4 Zoës and Zeldas 1×04 – Zoes and Zeldas And he says he says, “Why the
long face?” And I say, “Hey, buddy, I can’t help it.” You get that? Long
face. Horses have long faces. I am a horse, my face is long. You get it,
right? Good, good. What about the Rock Hudson stuff? Felt like that flew
over your heads. Did you get that? Keep this up, and the only thing
we’re gonna get is our money back! Okay, okay, it wasn’t that funny.
Maybe you didn’t get it. Uh, hey, guys, guys – Hey, let me buy you a
drink. – Get cancer, jerk wad. You’ve got some good material, you really
do. The Gorbachev stuff, it’s killer. But you gotta stop asking people
if they get things. – But then who do I know if they got it? – They’ll
laugh. Why are you giving me advice? Look, I’ve been doing stand-up for
a year now, and it’s the responsibility of big shots like me to always
be looking out for the little guy. – Let me buy you a drink. – Oh, I
don’t drink. – BoJack Horseman. – Herb Kazazz. Oh, God! Goddamn it,
Todd, clean up your shit. What am I supposed to do, okay? You don’t give
me any closet space. Not my problem. A better man than you once said,
and I quote, “It’s the responsibility of little guys like you to be
looking out for big shots like me.” Who said that? I don’t know, Jesus,
Ghandi, Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Clean up your shit! Oh! Gloria Steinem,
one of the leading lights of modern feminism. You will surely go down in
the annals of history just as surely as Lisa Lampanelli will go down in
the locker room of the Houston Rockets. Hey, BoJack, settle a bet. – Are
you a Zoe or a Zelda? – Don’t know what that means. Well, I was talking
to Wayne. – Who’s Wayne? – I’m Wayne. Wayne’s writing an article about
me for BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed? What’ll they think of next? Fun fact: Wayne
is also my ex-boyfriend. You’re funny. Pretty cool, eh, BoJack? Diane’s
writing a book about you, Wayne’s writing an article about me. We’re the
same! How could you think that that’s the same? My book will be in
libraries for hundreds of years. Your BuzzFeed article will be crammed
between an animated GIF of a cat falling asleep and a list of fun facts
about Legally Blonde. – Ha! Classic Zoe. – I still don’t know what that
means. Well, are you familiar with Mr. Peanutbutter’s House? Do you mean
his sitcom that coincidentally had the exact same premise as my sitcom?
Not the exact same. Mr. Peanutbutter’s House featured a pair of twins,
Zoe and Zelda. Zelda was the sunny, fun-loving extrovert. – Look at my
pumpkin, Mr. Peanutbutter. – Pretty smile, Zelly-belly. Aww Whereas Zoe
was the smart, cynical introvert. My pumpkin’s throwing up because
Halloween encourages excessive consumption of refined sugar at a time
when obesity rates are sky high. Plus, Halloween costumes are a gateway
to casual racism. Why don’t I keep the knife, Zo-bo? Who’s that dog?
Mr. Peanutbutter Knick-knack, paddywhack Give a dog a bone Now, was the
show’s acting ham-fisted and the writing moronic? – N-n-no? – Yes, but
the Zoe/Zelda paradigm rang true. I believe everyone’s either a Zoe or a
Zelda. For example, Nixon was a Zoe and Kennedy, a Zelda. Al Gore, Zoe.
George W. Bush, total Zelda. It’s R2-D2 and C-3PO, Zooey and Emily
Deschanel. So Zooey’s a Zoe? No, Zooey’s a Zelda. Emily’s the Zoe. What
a crazy world. – So which one are you, BoJack? – I think I’m above this.
Said the Zoe. Well, I think I’m a Zelda. Or maybe you’re the third kind
of person, whose only function is to drain the energy and life force –
from his host organism. – Come on, BoJack. Nah, he’s right. I’m pretty
much worthless. See? You say something to someone enough times, and
eventually, he internalizes it. The system works. I don’t have a job, I
don’t have any prospects. I probably won’t ever finish the rock opera
I’m working on. What? Since when are you working on a rock opera? Oh,
no. Why’d I ask that? Basically, it’s Tommy by way of Cirque du Soleil
set in space, with heavy erotic overtones, and the gripping psychodrama
of a thriller with plenty of heart and more than a little humor. I call
it Newtopia Rising, Book 1: – The Search for a New Utopia. – Book 1?
You’ve got me thinking sequel here. Traveling on a spaceship – I’m in. –
I’m out. So far away from home To find a new and better place A planet
rich with loam – Loam? “Rich with loam?” – Yeah, it’s a kind of soil.
These people are simple, agricultural types. On a spaceship? We learned
a lot And had some laughs But they couldn’t make us slaves No! No, they
couldn’t make us slaves No! No, they could-n-n-n’t Make u-u-u-us One,
two “Slaves.” Just say “slaves.” Sla-a-a-a-a-a-aves That was and I don’t
say this lightly worse than a hundred September 11ths. Yeah, you’re
right. This was stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking. – Well, guess
I’ll give up forever. – That’s the spirit. Now, you have to understand
that as a port city, Liverpool had unique access to all aspects of
American culture, especially Blues music and its unruly nephew, Rock and
Roll. I thought this story was about running into Paul McCartney in the
bathroom at the Golden Globes. It is. I thought you would appreciate
some context. Let’s skip that one for a minute. – Tell me about Todd. –
Todd? What’s to tell? Five years ago, he found his way into one of my
house parties and never left. And you’ve never asked him anything about
himself? I’ve asked him to get a job, I’ve asked him to move out. With a
little encouragement, I’ll bet he could really flourish. I mean, didn’t
you have anyone who helped you – when you were just starting out? – Um,
actually, no. Todd clearly thinks the world of you. Todd thinks the
world of Pop-Tarts. Look, I get that helping other people is not your
thing, but What? I let Todd live rent-free in my stately manse. I am his
own personal Mother Teresa. But do you let him stay here because you’re
kind or just because you’re terrified of being alone? That is insane! I
would love to be alone. That is all I want. Mmm if that were really
true, I don’t think you’d be clipping Todd’s wings all the time. What?
That’s unbelievable. – Todd! – What? Clean up my shit? Yes, but also, I
would like to help you with your dumb-ass rock opera. – What? – I am
supporting you. I-I don’t understand. Oh, my God, are you dying? No. I
think you have great depth of untapped potential and I wish to mentor
you in your art. – Really? – Yes. Wait, is this going to be like that
time you promised to take me ice skating, and I got really excited about
the ice skating, but then instead of ice skating, you left me at home so
you could go to the strip club and then you took the strippers ice
skating? – No. – Then hooray! Let’s dig in. Where to start? Okay, well,
the headline is, I hate it. I hate everything about it. The premise is
bad and the execution is also bad. It’s an irredeemable jumble of shit.
– Tough but fair. – Ahem. That said, I don’t see why we can’t make
something really great here. Okay, thank you. I’ll work on that. – Are
you close? – No! – How ‘bout now? – No! – Now? – You’re not even inside
of me. Oh, God! Did you get there? Okay, so you know in the second act
closer when the seekers of Newtopia are in the Turbidians’ dungeon and
they learn their ship – has been destroyed? – No. Well, what if we move
that to the fourth act? I have no idea what you’re talking about, but
that idea is terrible. I hear the note. Let me see what I can do. And
that’s why this planet su-u-u-u-u-cks – So? – How can I put this?
Imagine if the Holocaust happened every four years like the Olympics. I
would rather that happened than your rock opera. That’s not really a
note. In fact, none of your notes have been notes. I feel like you’re
not even listening. Yeah, well, you know what? Maybe I would listen if
the Turbidians had some reason to enter the Cave of Swollen Dreams that
didn’t break the pact they made in act one – with Queen Darneesa. – You
have been listening. This just doesn’t make sense. The Turbidians are a
loyal people. They they wouldn’t betray their queen. Unless They were
working for Queen Darneesa, who gave them a potion that would counteract
the effects of the Elixir of Failed Remembrance so they could bring the
secret knowledge from the cave back to her, and then establish Newtopia
as a vassal state to the Craterman kingdom! Well, don’t just sit there!
Get this down! Oh, you like that. – You like daddy’s good stuff? – Not
especially. Did you get there? Okay, what if there isn’t a robot army? I
think you just blew this thing wide open. We’ll make this our
Newtopia-a-a – # Up a fifth # – # Ah # – # Down a fifth # – #
A-a-ah # That was great! This train is moving. Let’s take a break and
get lunch. – Wait, you want to get lunch with me? – Yeah, that’s right.
Is this like the time you invited me to lunch, but then, when I got to
the restaurant, you texted me to tell me you weren’t coming because you
were at a strip club “eating stripper” for lunch, – and also, it was my
birthday? – No. Then hooray! And that was a last time I worked with
David O. Russell. What’s that old expression? “Fool me once, shame on
me, but fool me twice fiddle-dee-dee.” I do believe that is the
expression. Ooh, hold on. I gotta take this. Erica, I don’t have time to
be charmed to death right now. So how long have you been dating
Mr. Peanutbutter? Is it serious? I’m only asking for the article. Better
question: How long does it take to write a BuzzFeed article? – I want to
be thorough. – What?! Diane, Diane, Diane, Diane! – Do you know what
today is? – Sunday? It’s “burritos as big as your head” day at El Taco
Loco! We gotta go right now! I thought we were going to see the Diane
Arbus show at LACMA today. You know I love Diane Arbus. I see what’s
happening here. Her name is Diane, and your name is Diane. That’s not
what’s happening. I can go to the Arbus show with you, Diane. – What? –
I’ve actually been meaning to go myself. Oh, man, you guys are perfect
for each other. Why did you ever break up? Okay, less yakking, more
snacking. Let’s go ride in the car! Here’s your steak. – Uh, sorry. –
Mm-hmm. You mean to tell me that for a full year you were on the run –
from the Russian mafia? – Well, a Russian mafia. I can’t believe you
never told me any of this stuff. I just thought you were a dumb
freeloader who ate all my food and played video games all day. You
should have seen me in high school. – There was this one game,
Decapathon. – I remember that game. I was up for Dr. Decapitator in the
movie version. They said they wanted someone hipper, but the part ended
up going to Robert Downey. – Junior? – If it was Junior, I would have
said, “Junior.” That game basically destroyed my life. I flunked out of
school, my girlfriend left me. I mean, I didn’t stop playing until my
mom threw me out of the house. I mean, that’s when I first realized, you
know, – I’m a total screw-up. – You’re not a screw-up anymore, Todd.
You’re about to have a hit rock opera on your hands. I’m really glad you
think that. I got Princess Carolyn to invite Virgil Van Cleef – to our
next rehearsal. – Who in the what Van? Virgil Van Cleef is the biggest
name in rock opera. Okay, think of all the great rock operas – from the
last 20 years. – Okay. He had a piece of all of them. Wow, Todd, are you
sure we’re ready for that? Hey, you said yourself the train is moving,
but if you think we’re not ready, I mean, I’ll listen to you. Hey,
you’ve done enough listening, buddy. Maybe it’s about time I start
listening. Well, I feel like Gotta take this. Hello? Hello? BoJack
Horseman? We have some very delicate pictures you might have an interest
in not getting into the wrong hands. I am very happy with my current –
long distance provider, thank you. – What? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m
having lunch with my friend. But if you just listen All right, gang,
when Virgil Van Cleef gets here, look alive. This could be Todd’s big
break, so clap really hard and laugh at all the jokes, even if they’re
not funny, but also, be careful, because a lot of things you might think
are jokes are not jokes, so, you know, look out. – That was not a joke.
– That was not a real laugh. I hope you don’t mind I brought Wayne
along. – Who’s Wayne? – I’m Wayne. I just wanted to make sure he had
everything he needs for the big BuzzFeed cover story. BuzzFeed is a
website. There is no cover. Eh, “tomato,” “tomato.” It’s “tomato,”
“to-mah-to.” You say, “tomato,” “to-mah-to,” I say, “tomato,” “tomato.”
Oh, hey, Diane, I got you something. – Oh, plane tickets? – Yep, to San
Francisco. That’s where the Arbus exhibit is heading next. Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Peanutbutter. Gentlemen, dazzle me. What you’re about to see
is rough, very rough. It’s a vomit pass at what might become a rock
opera. Right now, it’s set mostly in space, but we’re not married to
that. Todd is neither a singer nor a trained musician. In fact, he never
even graduated high school, he told me in confidence. Keep all that in
mind as you give it up for Todd. Okay, so we start in 1887 with a young
Emma Goldman. No they couldn-n-n-n’t make u-u-u-us sla-a-a-a-a-aves – It
needs a third act showstopper. – I had the same note. But in all, it’s
spellbinding. – All right! – Whoo! You know, I run a small theater in
North Hollywood. We were supposed to mount a J.C. Superstar revival next
month, but of course, Andrew Lloyd Webber has to be a real hot penis
about everything. Oh, Andy. Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man
to fool me, and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life. Anyway, could
this show be ready to debut in six weeks? Six weeks? Uh, damn. Yeah, I
guess so. Marvelous! We’ll schedule an investor showcase posthaste. In
the meantime, libations! Ah! – Popping, what? – This is great. You know,
just when you think you have a person pegged, he can still find ways to
surprise you. Yeah, Todd really rose to the occasion, didn’t he? – I was
talking about you. – Ah, well, it was nothing. Maybe the Zoe has a
little Zelda in him after all. I appreciate the sentiment, but I still
think that game is stupid. Hey, BoJack, do you realize what this means?
I mean, if this thing’s a hit, I could finally move out. Oh, uh, you’re
gonna move out? You won’t have to yell, “Hey, Todd, clean up your shit!”
Or, “Todd, why haven’t you cleaned up your shit yet?” Or, “Todd, what
was the name of that guy from Perfect Strangers? Not Bronson Pinchot,
but the other one?” Good, that’s great. That’s great and good. So good,
so great. – Just great, and also good. – Mm-hmm. And as you can see,
progress has been swift. For tomorrow’s investor showcase, we’ll have
choreography and pyrotechnics for you. This is all just happening so
fast. I don’t I don’t think Todd is ready for this. Todd’s not ready or
you’re not ready? Don’t make this about me. I’ve seen what happens when
baby birds get pushed out of the nest too soon. It’s not your fault. I
thought he was ready. He seemed ready. It’s not your fault. You’re
right. In these heady times, what Todd needs is an agent. Ha! Ha! – I
just need you to deliver – Hoo! Ha! – That third act showstopper – Ha!
and then we’ll be fully financed! Todd can do it! Todd can do anything!
– Can I get your autograph? – Yeah, yeah, yeah. And another autograph,
and initial here, here, here, and here. – Right here? – And the last
four digits – of your social. – Okay. So I think the big third act
number Virgil wants – might be a big anthem that – Whoa, whoa, whoa,
buddy, buddy, I’m not gonna let you start on this until we stock up on
snacks and Red Bull. I do get snacky. You think of everything. ’Scuse
me, young man. Can you hand me that Ronnie Milsap cassingle – in the
10-cent bin? – Sure thing, lady. Oh, my God. Decapathon VII? This just
came out. – Todd, put it down. – Is this really only a dime? If it’s in
there, that’s the price. Todd, this is no time for a relapse. Look,
okay, I’ll buy it now, but I won’t play it till after I’ve written the
new song. Todd, this is a bad idea! – Whoa! – All sales are final. Okay,
let’s see here. I wonder if it still smells the same. I assure you, it
still smells like cheap plastic and child labor. Okay, here we go. Song
time. Or should I just play one game now, just to get the creative
juices flowing? We both know that if you play that game tonight, you’ll
never leave this couch! Ah, no, you’re right, of course. – Thank you. –
Good night. Come on, Decapathon, come on. Oh, come on, Decapathon. Oh.
Wake up! It’s the morning! Damn it, Todd, the investor showcase is in
half an hour. – Did you work on the song? – Huh? Pull yourself together,
man! Ugh! Why did the water have to come out of your mouth? Well, I’m
awfully sorry to have wasted your time. I don’t think our man is going
to show. Wait! Good God, what’s happened? He looks like he was up all
night playing some sort of videographic game. He’s in no condition to
debut a song. Give the kid a chance, Van Cleef. Loam, loam, loam And a
uh, little room to, uh, roam And on this planet It’s our home In space
Rock opera? More like “schlock flop-era.” Loam – Enough! – Clearly, Van
Cleef has shown a rare lapse in taste and judgment. I apologize for
wasting your time with this talentless imp. Hey, Van Cleef, Todd may not
be ready for the high-flying world of rock opera or the larger world
outside of my living room couch, but you know what? He’s a good friend.
I don’t see how that’s relevant. No, of course you don’t. Maybe Todd’s
worse off today, but you’re worse off in the long run, because you’re
gonna die alone and unloved, you pompous, affected asshole! Mon dieu!
Never have I ever! Hey, maybe don’t burn the bridge. – I could still beg
for a second chance. – Shut your mouth, Todd. And you shut yours, Van
Cleef, or I will buck it shut. Suck a dick, dumb shits! Oh, that damn
video game. No, it’s not the video game’s fault. I blew it. For a
second, I actually convinced myself I was more than just a worthless
screw-up. Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice. I
guess there’s a reason they don’t call it “the rock opera fun.” They
call it “the rock opera business.” Guess I won’t be needing this piece
of junk anymore. Hey, no. Hold on to that. Why don’t you just put it in
the living room closet? – Really? – In fact, from now on, you can keep
all your stuff in the living room closet. – Thanks, BoJack, for
everything. – This, I will get rid of. – What the – Don’t look at those!
– Those are private! – Are these the notes you’ve been taking on
Mr. Peanutbutter? It’s gibberish! Have you just been mashing keys this
whole time? It’s a it’s a work in progress. What’s really going on here?
Look, I’ve been following you two around for the last couple weeks, and
I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that you shouldn’t be with
Mr. Peanutbutter. – You should be with me. – No, I’ve dated you. Sure,
you’re smart and sophisticated and cool, but you’re also mean. What’s
your article on Mr. Peanutbutter called? The working title is, “Nine
Jokes From the ’90s We Haven’t Stopped Laughing at.” – I knew it! – Come
on! Like you’re not gonna tear BoJack apart in your book. I’m not
“tearing him apart.” I’m writing a nuanced portrait of a complicated
man. Well, then, we might be doing different things. Mr. Peanutbutter is
nice to me! He’s kind and he’s generous and he’s loyal. You know what
your problem is? You’re trying to be a Zelda but you’re so obviously a
Zoe. Don’t label me. You don’t know who I am. You can live your happy
Zelda life in this happy Zelda town and pretend you’re a happy Zelda,
but I know you, and this isn’t you. People don’t change, Diane, not
really. Mr. Peanutbutter’s a Zelda. He’s happy and he’s carefree and
he’s loving, but you and me, we’re Zoes. Yeah, I bought this earlier,
and I’d like to return it. I don’t know where the receipt went. I
remember you. You came in yesterday. No problem. We’re Zoes, Diane.
We’re cynical and we’re sad and we’re mean. Thanks for your help,
character actress Margo Martindale. I don’t feel good about what we did
here, BoJack. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This never
happened. There’s a darkness inside you, and you can bury it deep in
burritos as big as your head, but someday soon, that darkness is gonna
come out, and when it does, I want you to call me. I like that guy. Back
in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – # I’m BoJack the horse #
– # BoJack # BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m
trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna
last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse
than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus raptor. Na
na na na na na na na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 5 Live Fast, Diane Nguyen 1×05 – “Live Fast, Diane Nguyen” Come on! Oh, is
it this guy? Never travel without it. Stop holding up the line, idiot!
It’s not his fault. He’s just doing his job. It’s your fault, dummy. I’m
sorry, sir, no liquid over three ounces. This is Pappy Van Winkle,
friend. Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person, I
would’ve stopped having sex with it a year ago. – I’m sorry, sir. – Do
you know who I am? Come on. I’m actually a huge celebrity on my way to
New York for an important meeting with a book publisher, who wants to
publish a book about me because I am famous. – That’s not – Fine, you
want me to dance? I’ll dance. Give me ten seconds, Diane. This guy’s
being a total fascist. Diane? – Diane? – Over here, BoJack. How’d you
get through so fast? I followed the basic requirements for air travel
that have been in place for over a decade. – Ugh, weird. – Sir, whoever
you are, please Really? You’ve never heard of my TV show? You know very
well who I am. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to New York. Ah,
no. – More? – Come on! Oh, you know what? Could be this. Oh, my God,
he’s got a gun. Relax, it’s a lighter. How much lighter fluid can I take
on the plane? And before you answer, remember, I’m a celebrity. We’re
gonna need a full body cavity search. Thanks for coming to New York for
this. Let’s just say, it’s better for everyone’s kneecaps if I stay out
of California for a little bit. Always nice to get a change of scenery,
am I right? I think the New York air’s been good for my health. I mean,
I did find a lump, but hey, who needs health insurance when you’ve got
BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh? How’s it coming along? It’s great.
I’m pumping out heartfelt anecdotes and witty observations left and
right, and this one is spinning it all into gold. Your telephone is
ringing. I’m Ira Glass. Thank you for being a sustaining member of
public radio. Everyone has a story, and your phone’s story is that it’s
ringing. – Excuse me. Hello? – Hurry back, superstar. I don’t think
Diane’s working out. – What? Why? Is Diane no good? – She’s too good. I
don’t know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story. She’s so
functional. Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Horseman, she’s too functional. Why
don’t I just get on the phone and call a less functional What are you
talking about? – This is a very bad time, BoJack! – All right. You need
to promise me that your book will be on the shelves and making money by
October! All right. Jesus. Uh-huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Got it. Sorry I took
so long. Who was that? The library? Thanking you for never returning a
book late? That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died. Oh, my God. Did
we talk about firming up the release date? – I was thinking late
September. – I am so sorry. It’s fine, he was old and also the worst.
Such a terrible tragedy really puts everything in perspective. Where
does that leave us as far as the book of it all? Not a problem. I just
got to swing by Boston and give my condolences real quick. BoJack can
come with me. We’ll get some work done while we’re there, and then that
way the whole trip won’t be a total waste of time. Great. Call me if you
need anything, but hang up after one ring, and I’ll call you back from
the phone booth where my wife and I are living. Todd bless these
scrambled eggs Eggs from the fridge Sunny side them And guide them Todd,
stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song. Who said that? If you’re
wondering who said that, it’s this note that you’re reading. You’re
hearing my voice in your head, because that’s how reading works. Oh,
yeah. As you might’ve noticed, Todd, I’ve left you home alone for the
day, and frankly, I already regret that decision. Here’s what you need
to do. Nothing. Don’t touch my stuff, and don’t make a mess. Pick me up
at the airport tomorrow, and until then, don’t do anything. Well, seal’s
broken. Might as well enjoy myself. Whee! Cheers to bath time. Great
story, Todd. I love our friendship. Here we go! The great Toddini! And
here we have the home of a truly dynamic and unique talent, TV’s own
David Boreanaz. Ohh! Sounds like we have some fans of Person of Interest
on board, or Castle, or whatever his show is. Sorry, dudes, you got the
wrong house. Aww. Crikey, I would’ve paid $50 U.S. to see where David
Boreanaz lives. He’s the American Hugh Jackman. – Oh, yeah, 50 bucks? –
He’s so good in Burn Notice. What? 50 bucks? In that case, come on in,
friends. Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here. Hooray! Hey, so
listen, I really want to be here for you in your time of need, but I’m
not really good with funerals or death or families or feelings or
people. Don’t worry. You can wait in the car. It’s probably better you
don’t meet my brothers. They’re narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags. I
wish I had brothers growing up. Touch football on the weekends, noogie
parades on the reg. Life as an only child can get pretty lonely. Daddy,
do you want to meet my imaginary friend? Imaginary friends are
freeloaders invented by communists to rip-off welfare. Why don’t you do
something productive, like bang your head against the wall until your
brain isn’t so stupid? Okay, Daddy. Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely,
too. My family made my life miserable, and then they never forgave me
for leaving. So, what, you’re like the black sheep? No, Gary’s the black
sheep. He’s adopted. I’m just the member of the family nobody likes. And
my dad was the worst of them all. You told me that you and your father
used to sit on the roof and look at the stars together. Oh, yeah, I was
just trying to get you to open up, so I used an old writer’s trick
called “me lying to you.” Oh, yeah? Well, I’m using an old me trick
called “that hurts my feelings.” And the truth is, I used to sit alone
on the hill out by the dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton,
but with my hair. – You do have great hair. – I know. That’s us. I’ll
just pop in for a quick hi and bye. Then we’ll be on our way. Ten
minutes, swear to God. You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at
the airport. What? A kaleidoscope? I’m not five Shapes and colors the
likes of which I’ve never seen. Hello. Hey, yeah, Deedee came home!
Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee’s back! Come here! Game. Watching the game.
Can’t look up from the game. How you doing? Marty, it’s a game from ‘86.
You’ve seen it a hundred times. And how many times does Buckner break
your heart? 100 times. Aw, thank God you’re here, Deedee. Pops is wicked
departed. Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard. And I do not like them
apples, Deedee. Yo, Deedee, get me a beer. Yeah, make that two, Deedee.
Gary, Marty, I just got home. Ooh, Princess Diane doesn’t want to get
her brother a beer. Hey, Ma, come look what the Pats dragged in. Oh,
hello! Look who decided to come home. Queen Deedee blesses us with her
presence. To what do I owe the honor? Look, I’m just here to offer my
condolences. Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas. Why
would you want to stick around, be with your family in their time of
need? – Come on, Ma. – Don’t fight while the game’s on. – It’s bad Juju.
– It’s the ’86 World Series. – They lose. – Ah, why’d you have to Oh,
we’re just a bunch of savages, right? We’re not like your fancy
California friends. Your George Clooney and your California Raisins. Oh,
come off it, Ma. She don’t mean no harm. For five years she didn’t come
home. Why don’t you make like A-Rod and blow. Well, this was clearly a
huge mistake. Ah, don’t go. Deedee, please. Why not? Ma doesn’t want me
here. Ma don’t know what she wants. She wants you here. We all do. Ain’t
that right, Marty? Can’t look up from the game. Besides, we need your
help organizing all the funeral stuff. We didn’t go to college. We’re
not smart like you. Fine, I’ll help. Is there a number for me to call?
Yeah, try Jeez, do some legwork, Dee. And do it quick. The ice is
melting. Oh, my God. Is that dad? Did someone draw balls on his
forehead? That was before we knew he was dead. We just thought he was
wicked hung over. In your face, Dad! In your face forever. Welcome to
the home of David Boreanaz, famous from television shows such as dramas
on networks. That will be $50 please. Oy, mate, this picture of David
Boreanaz fell apart. Oh, no, no, no, I’ll handle that. Why don’t you
just go look through David Boreanaz’s underwear drawer, okay? – It’s in
his bedroom. – Oh, knickers. Hey, what do you think you’re doing? Uh-oh,
am I reading something again? No, this is your conscience. BoJack
trusted you to take care of his house. Is this really What are you
doing? Dun-dun-dun-dun Dun-dun-dun It’s a great day on Todd’s phone. How
can I help you? Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz
deal? I’m your agent, damn it. How’d you find out about Boreanaz House?
Don’t worry, I’m not just gonna sit here batting a ball of yarn around
while you do the real work. I want to take your project to the next
level. We need to go bigger. Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis
to this thing? – Attach her? How? – You do your job. I’ll do mine. Who
is this? Ah, out of combinations. Now I’m bored. Diaaaaane! – You show
me nothing – What do you want from me? You have no right to barge in
here after five years – and judge us, Diane. – I’m just saying Marty
could lend a hand instead of sitting on the couch watching the game all
day. – Ah, Deedee. – You know very well his leg’s still sore from the
accident at the quarry. Yeah, he’s got to rest up if he’s gonna be a
wide receiver for B.C. He didn’t get into B.C. Ah, what’s the point of
getting off the couch anyway? All the jobs are going to immigrants these
days. What do you We’re immigrants. – How do you figure? – We’re
Vietnamese? Step off! We’re American as fuck. And that’s the same crap
you always pull What do you want from me? Come on! Excuse me. Yes,
hello, I’m looking for Diane. Does anyone here speak English? Pull over
and park the car. Is that the frickin’ horse from Horsin’ Around? Again,
does anyone here speak English? – Oh, no way – What? A TV star! Boreanaz
house. Seventy-five each. Children and seniors free. Please stay behind
the ropes and keep your hands and belongings on your person at all
times. Next we’ll head to the kitchen where Is that Mila Kunis? Ooh!
Note the letters B.H. on all hand towels and linens. That stands for
“Boreanaz House.” Yeah, do you pick up bodies? Is that a service you
provide? Corpse removal? Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston
celebrities? Well, one time at Bristol Farms, Ben Affleck and I did
reach for the same bunch of grapes. Oh, he eats grapes just like us?
Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes! He don’t eat grapes! BoJack said he
fed Affleck grapes. He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself. –
This is the greatest day of my life. – Oh! Hey, I don’t suppose you boys
would have any interest in maybe playing some touch football later? Are
you kidding? Touch football with a star like you? That would be mad
wicked pisser. Ooh, you know what else we got to do? We got to watch the
Cryane video. Ooh, that sounds good. What’s that? – No, we don’t need to
revisit that. – When Deedee was 16, we made up a secret pen pal for her
named Leo. Guys, I really would rather not discuss it. We all took turns
writing her letters, pretending to be this sensitive boy from Cambridge.
It was wicked messed up. “Oh, Diane, we’re two misunderstood souls.
Everyone else is a phony. Yours forever, Leo.” – What? That is amazing.
– After six months of letters, we hired a homeless guy to pretend to be
Leo and take her to the homecoming dance. – Look at her. – Watch, watch
this part. I like your boutonnière. Why don’t we watch this every
day? – Look at her face. – Now that’s a good prank. – I was humiliated.
– Yeah, you wouldn’t get it. It’s a brothers thing, right, brothers?
Whoo! That’s Cryane for you. What a pussy. You know, it’s nice that
years later we can all laugh about this. Yep, my therapist thinks the
same thing. I’m gonna go meet with the funeral director. Any of you boys
want to come? Nah, I ain’t so big on funeral homes, Deedee. All them
dead bodies, they give me the jeebies. Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to
go? Fine, none of you have to go. I’ll take care of everything. Thank
you, Diane. We all really app...
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