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## New Season of Bojack Horseman – NO SPOILERS!

A new season of my favorite show, Bojack Horseman, just dropped on
Netflix, and I have absolutely zero time to sit down and watch it.
However, in some magical way there was time for me to write this blog
post and do this analysis. What analysis you ask? I’ll tell you in a
minute, I ain’t Horsin’ Around.

Bojack Horseman, in case you got stuck in 2013, is an animated
comedy-drama about a washed up ’90s sitcom star, who is also a horse
(animals are anthropomorphized in the show’s universe). If you follow
Bojack, you know that it isn’t your everyday animated series. It’s deep,
cynical and lights up some of the darkest corners of damaged human
behavior. Moreover, it keeps getting better, or should I say – heavier.

The psychologist in me got triggered, if indeed Bojack is getting deeper
and deeper, perhaps this pattern could be observed in the show’s script?
I mean, would the show runners use more abstract language compared to
concrete language as the show progresses? The data scientist in me
said “I’m on it”.

## Scrape Bojack Script and Language Analysis

First, I had to scrape Bojack’s script. I’ll do it the rvest, xml2 and stringer packages. It’s actually my first doing web scarping so apologies for the non-elegant code

library(xml2)
library(rvest)
library(stringr)

#data frame pre-allocation
m <- matrix(nrow = 5*10, ncol = 3)
colnames(m) <- c("season", "episode", "text")
m <- as.data.frame(m)

count = 1
for (i in 1:5){
for (j in 1:10){
if (j<10){
scrappedurl <-paste0("https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=bojack-horseman-2014&episode=s0",
i, "e0", j)
n <- html_nodes(html.raw, "div#content_container")
txt <- html_text(n)
txt <- str_replace_all(txt, "[rnt]" , "")
t <- str_split(txt, "Episode Script", simplify = T)[3]
m$season[count] <- i m$episode[count] <- j
m$text[count] <- t } else{ scrappedurl <-paste0("https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=bojack-horseman-2014&episode=s0", i, "e", j) html.raw <- read_html(scrappedurl) n <- html_nodes(html.raw, "div#content_container") txt <- html_text(n) txt <- str_replace_all(txt, "[rnt]" , "") t <- str_split(txt, "Episode Script", simplify = T)[3] m$season[count] <- i
m$episode[count] <- j m$text[count] <- t
}
count <-  count+1
}
}

library(kableExtra)
#let's see the dataframe
kable(m) %>%
kable_styling() %>%
scroll_box(width = "100%", height = "500px")
season episode text
1 1 The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One Horsin’ Around is filmed before a
live studio audience. Mondays. Well, good morning to you too. Oh, hey.
Where? I’d love hay. In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin’ Around
premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced
to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human
children, was initially dismissed by critics as broad and saccharine and
not good, but the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on
to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin’ Around, BoJack Horseman, is
our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack. It is good to be here, Charlie.
Sorry I was late. The traffic It’s really no problem. I parked in a
handicapped spot. I hope that’s okay. You parked in a I’m sorry,
disabled spot. Is that the proper nomenclature? Maybe you should move
the car. No, I don’t think I should drive right now. I’m incredibly
drunk. You’re telling me that you’re drunk right now? Is it just me, or
am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I’m nailing it. Yes.
Anyway, we were talking about Horsin’ Around. To what do you attribute
the show’s wide appeal? Charlie, listen, you know, I know that it’s very
hip these days to shit all over Horsin’ Around, but at the time, I can
tell you – Is it okay to say “shit”? – Please don’t. ‘Cause I I think
the show’s actually pretty solid for what it is. It’s not Ibsen, sure,
but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the
urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting
kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable
people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at
the end of 30 minutes, everything’s gonna turn out okay. You know,
because in real life Did I already say the thing about the urethra?
Well, let’s talk about real life. What have you been doing since the
show’s cancellation That’s a great question, Charlie. I, uh Uh, I Um
Maury! Maury! Maury! Maury! In the case of one-year-old Phoenix, you are
the father. Morning, sunshine. Why so gloomy, roomie? First of all,
we’re not roommates. You are my houseguest. Well, we don’t need to put
labels on things. You sleep on my couch, and you don’t pay rent. I’ve
had tapeworms that were less parasitic. I don’t even remember why I let
you stay with me in the first place. Because my parents kicked me out,
and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don’t want anyone to know
it You secretly have a good heart. You told me they didn’t approve of
your “alternative lifestyle.” I thought you were, like, a troubled gay
teen or something. I didn’t realize by “alternative lifestyle” that you
meant you were lazy. That’s on you for making assumptions. Also, if
you’re looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night
and ate them all. Did you say you’ve had tapeworms? Thanks for meeting
me here. I would have invited you to my office, but the electric company
shut off our power. That’s unfortunate. Just an issue with the bank and
a lack of money in it. Now, as you know, Penguin is very eager to
I’m sorry, but I am making great progress. The BoJack Horseman Story,
written by BoJack Horseman. Chapter one. Chapter one. Chapter One. Look,
we really need a bestseller here at Penguin. Things are not that great
for me, money wise. Aren’t you an editor at a major publishing house?
Yeah, a publishing house. When was the last time you saw a book? I
thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it
turned out it was a takeout menu. Whenever you’re ready. We’re living
month to month here. We’re kind of counting on your autobiography to
save the company, no pressure. That’s actually a lot of pressure. Have
you considered working with a ghostwriter? Ugh, no, thank you. Look,
just give me one more week, and I will give you some pages that’ll knock
your ass back to the South Pole. I’m from Cincinnati. It that doesn’t
matter. I’ll call you in a week. Yes, one week. I’m telling you, this
book is a top priority for me. Oh, right. Yeesh. You’re wearing that to
the prom? What, you don’t think it’s cute? Neigh way, Jose. “Neigh way,
Jose.” I improvised that line. I mean, it was written, but I gave it the
old BoJack spin. Hey, how many times have you watched this episode?
Yeah, but do you get it, though? Because “nay” means no, but it’s also a
thing that horses say. It works on every level. – I get it. – Ah, you
don’t get it. Are you drunk? Todd, I weigh over 1,200 pounds. It takes a
lot of beer to get me drunk. Yes. Ah, yeah, I see. You’re just bummed
out because Princess Carolyn dumped you last night. BoJack, we need to
talk. Hey, check out the rug on that guy. Slow and steady, am I right,
ladies? Ha-cha-cha. Who does he think he’s fooling? Turtles don’t have
hair. Stop embarrassing me. That is Lenny Turteltaub. You know, I am not
crazy about the bread here. Mm. Why do I keep eating it? BoJack, can you
please just listen for a second? You have my undivided attention. I
think we should see other people. Were we not seeing other people?
BoJack, I’m almost there. Wait. Shh! Shut up. Now, that’s a horse of a
different cruller? Oh! God, that’s good comedy. – BoJack! – What?
Everyone gets a mulligan, and my mulligan was Carey Mulligan. I’m
kidding, jeez. It was Emily Mortimer. What is the problem here? Are you
embarrassed of me because I’m a has-been? Because you know that I’m
writing that book that is gonna make everybody love me again. You’re not
really writing a book. Well, I already spent my advance, so that’s a
first step. Look, this has been a lot of fun, but I need to start
thinking about my future. I mean, you don’t even respect me enough to
have a baby with me. Whoa, what? I never explicitly said that. You said
it with your actions. What actions? Oh, look at that baby. Isn’t he the
cutest baby you ever saw? What? What? What? No, no, wha Step away from
the stolen vehicle, sir! No, no, no. Misunderstanding, officer. I was
running away from my girlfriend whom I don’t respect enough to have a
baby with. Hey, aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around? Oh, face it.
You’re afraid of commitment. I’m not afraid of commitment. I commit to
things all the time. It’s the following through on that commitment that
I take issue with. Hey, stupid, isn’t that your friend over there? Oh,
Mr. Peanutbutter? God, I hope he doesn’t see us. Is that BoJack
Horseman? Oh, jeez, here we go. Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in
the same room. What is this, a crossover episode? You know, that gets
funnier every time. You’re being sarcastic, but I think it does actually
get funnier every time. We’re actually in the middle of breaking up
right now, – so if you could just – Yeah? – You’re in the middle of it?
– Yeah, that’s right. So would it be awkward if I joined you right now?
Yes, actually, it’s very awkward. Is that not clear? Yeah, this is
awkward right now? Yes, please leave. How are you, Mr. Peanutbutter? Oh,
living the dream, P.C., living the dream. Why are you making
conversation? Oh, let’s see, it’s the English word It’s called being
polite, BoJack. But am I crazy that this is a bad time? Always a
Clydesdale, never a Clyde, eh, BoJack? What? You’ll get that one later,
man. Erica, get out of here with that face. Would it kill you to be
civil? This is why we’re breaking up. So it’s not because of the thing
with the baby? It’s because of a lot of things! Waiter, could we please
have the check? – Thank you. – We haven’t even ordered yet. I have
wasted so many dinners on you, BoJack Horseman. I don’t know how you can
expect anyone else to love you when you so clearly hate yourself. – Here
you go. – Let me see that. $10 for bread? I don’t want to live in a society where the premeal bread isn’t free. It is free if you order a meal. Can you take me home, please? Yeah, but I didn’t even eat that much bread. What did I have? I must have had You ate nine baskets, sir. Nine really? Great, now I’m gonna feel like a fat ass all week. You’ve seen me naked. Do you think I’m getting chubby? You want to know the real reason we’re breaking up? What was that? Sorry. Couldn’t hear you over the sound of my calories not metabolizing. This is so classic you. You’re using this bread thing to avoid talking about our relationship. No, that is definitely not happening. I’d like to go home now. You think I’m fat. So yeah, technically I was dumped, but the real headline of the evening was, “Dumb guy eats bread, gets fat, the end.” What kind of headline is that? Wasn’t there a pizza here a second ago? God damn it! Stop the presses. You’re not fat. Oh, hey, let’s throw a party. That’ll cheer you up. No, it won’t. It’ll cheer you up. I’ll stand in the corner by myself eating cotton candy until I barf like I did at your last party. Hey, aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around? That was a good party. Hey, didn’t we get a cotton candy machine for that party? Who told you Princess Carolyn and I broke up? – She did. – What? You never took me home, jerk! Oh, everything’s my fault. Take me home. Okay, jeez. But I’m not looking for parking in Silver Lake. I’ll slow the car down to a crawl, and you can duck and roll. You know what, you can take a last look at this face, because it’s the last time you’re gonna see it. Hey-up! Hello? I’ve got Princess Carolyn for you. Uh, okay. BoJack. Oh, my God, we just broke up. Yeah, but I’m still your agent. I pride myself on my ability to separate my professional life from my personal life. Great. Then, as my agent, do you think I’m getting fat? No way. You are in the prime of your life, never looked better. What about as my ex-girlfriend? You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap. Wait, wait, so which pile of crap do I look like? – The third one. – What? That’s the worst one. I’m not calling you as your ex. I’m calling you as your agent. Remember that book you’re pretending to write? Well, Penguin wants an update on your progress. Does Tuesday work for you, or are you gonna be too busy this week masturbating to old pictures of yourself? I told you, that’s not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented. You walked in at the worst possible moment! So, Tuesday, though? Yes, fine! Whoo! You don’t have anything? Hey, you got the electricity back. Good for you. This company is in dire straits. We made a series of very bad investments. Ever hear of a young adult franchise called the Swamp Monsters of Malibu? Uh, no. Then why did we spend$20
million on marketing? It’s okay, Pinky, go to your happy place. Uh Look,
I know you’re a busy guy. Actually, I am a busy guy. I live a very
active lifestyle. Can’t I just stay home with you? I know kindergarten
is scary, but you’re a big girl now, and you have to be brave. Okay,
Daddy. Wait, did you just call me “Daddy”? Little Sabrina grew up right
before our eyes, right, Todd? Todd? Todd! What? Did Sabrina grow up
before our eyes? Yes! We’re tired of waiting. We’re hiring you a
ghostwriter. Diane “Nugent”? She’s great, and she’s got a thing for
horses. Check this out. Hey, Secretariat. You know, I always wanted to
play Secretariat in a movie. He’s kind of my personal hero. Could never
get the project off the ground, though. I mean, there was this one time
I came close in the ’90s, and people got tired of seeing running
on-screen. Don’t tell me. Tell her! She’s cute. Call her. That’s a loan,
by the way. We can’t afford to be giving out free books to people, but
you can take anything you want from the Swamp Monsters swag box. Oh,
God, I’m a failure. Oh, you’re not a failure. Why did I say I could
write a book? Because you have an amazing story to tell. – Relax. –
Relax? Easy for you to say, you hippie. You’ve never had a day of stress
in your life. Ow. Why? And that’s for trying to sell E on the cartel’s
turf. Oh, where’s Gabriela? She went back to Mexico City, ese, to be
with her husband. What? No! – Gabriela, why? – Who? We were talking
about me. Can you try to focus for, like, a second? Oh, yeah, sorry. You
were saying? Never should have signed this book deal. You know what my
problem is? I can’t say no to people because I want everyone to like me.
You want everyone to like you? Yeah, why? Do people not like me? Uh Uh
What were we talking about? I can see the headline now, “Stupid BoJack
writes a stupid book about his stupid life, nobody cares.” What
newspapers are you reading? Hey, why don’t you just let that lady write
your book and be done with it? Better question, why are you in my
kitchen? I’m making breakfast. We had sex last night, dummy. Ugh, I
really got to start putting my phone on airplane mode when I drink. This
lady probably thinks I’m just some dumb sitcom actor. I hate her and her
stupid, impossible-to-pronounce last name, Na-goo-ya-go-goo-goo-goo-ga.
You haven’t even met her. Give her a chance. Oh, you should invite her
to the party. What party? Why are you so obsessed with throwing a party
all of a sudden? Ow, ow, ow! You know how much money we lost ’cause of
you? I can’t even afford a hall now for my daughter’s 15th birthday, and
now I got a hundred guests coming and nowhere to put them. You owe me a
party, cabrÃ³n, and if you don’t deliver Because parties are fun? This
book is really important to me. I don’t want to just hand it off to some
stranger. If it’s so important, why have you written literally nothing
in a year and a half? It’s too much pressure. This book is my one shot
at preserving my legacy. I’m a joke, and if this book isn’t good, I’m
gonna be a joke forever. Everyone thinks that I’m just this washed-up
hack, but actually Oh, God, actually, what if they’re right? I can’t
breathe. Am I dying? Toast. I smell burning toast! Oh, my God, my toast!
Todd, on my grave, I want it to say that I was born in 1975. No one’s
gonna believe Damn it, can’t you respect a dying man’s wish? You’re not
dying. Well, we did everything we could. Nurse, record the time of
death. It doesn’t get easier. It never gets easier. What I don’t What do
you mean he’s dead? That’s right, sweetheart. He died of a broken heart
because you didn’t appreciate him enough, and now he’s gone forever. We
might have gone too dark on that series finale. I’m required to hand you
over to the child protective services. You’re the state’s problem now.
No! Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go? Linus walked
around with a blanket. No one gave him shit for it. How long is that
doctor going to take? I have a meeting with another client at 3:00. You
have other clients? No, I make a living off you sitting on your ass all
day. Are your other clients more talented than I am? Your silence speaks
volumes. Well, BoJack, it looks like what you experienced was a mild
anxiety attack. Jesus, if that’s mild, I don’t want to know what spicy
feels like. Too smart for the room? It was a salsa joke, people. You’ve
been overstressed. I need you to take it easy. Take it easy, are you
kidding? He doesn’t have a job. He has no real responsibilities. He
doesn’t do anything but take it easy. Well, can you take it even easier?
I can try, doctor. I can try. This book deal is obviously stressing you
out. Will you just call the ghostwriter already? What, you want me to
call this woman on the phone? Well, you just had another anxiety attack.
And Entertainment Weekly said I wasn’t consistent. Really, not even a
pity laugh? I did almost die. Ha. I have to check on some other
patients. You have other patients? BoJack, let’s have a party, okay?
I’ll organize the whole thing. You can invite the ghostwriter and have a
nice, casual conversation in a fun, pressure-free environment. Okay,
fine. We’ll have a party. Oh, thank God. But we’re not getting a cotton
candy machine. I can’t control myself around those things. I totally
hear what you are saying, and I will do my best. SeÃ±or Horseman, I will
never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally for
life. Mwah. Let’s dance! Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these
people? Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life. Is
this a quinceaÃ±era? Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a
quinceaÃ±era? Now who’s racist? I find that piÃ±ata offensive. If you’ll
excuse me, I have a Virgin of Guadalupe pendant to present. BoJack! Oh,
good Lord. Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Can you believe this, the two of us in
the same house? Is this a crossover episode? No, I’m just kidding
around, man. Seriously, though, how are you? Well, I’ve been kind of up
and Living the dream, huh? Yeah. Hey, we’ll catch up later, all right? I
want to talk to you. Erica, how are you looking so beautiful? I’m
furious. Hey, BoJack, right? – BoJack Horseman? – Yes. Oh, I’m I’m
sorry, I don’t want to mispronounce your name. It’s Diane. Oh, Diane.
Thanks for inviting me to your party. Sorry I haven’t really been
mingling. I get kind of awkward at parties. – Have you tried alcohol? –
I don’t know. Parties make me anxious in a real broad sense. Like, look
at that guy. He’s having fun. Why haven’t I figured it out? What guy?
No, there’s no guy there. I’m just saying, like, a guy, you know? Oh,
okay, yeah. I’m probably just overthinking it because I never got the
practice because I didn’t get invited to any parties in high school.
What am I talking about? You don’t care about any of that. Shut up,
Diane. You’re at a party, compliment the host. You have a lovely home.
Yeah, well, if you’re gonna throw away most of your adult life on some
dumb sitcom, you might as well get a sweet house out of the deal, right?
So what are you working on these days? Well, mostly I just sit around
the house and complain about things. Yeah, how’s that working out for
you? I can’t complain, so you know. No, I will not have sex with you!
This girl wants me to have sex with her. No, I’m just kidding around.
You’re a good sport. – Ugh, you know who that is? – Mr. Peanutbutter?
Yeah, he was on that show Mr. Peanutbutter’s House about that dog who
adopted the three human kids. What a dumb idea for a TV show. You people
are all right. Who wants an autograph? He’s so stupid he doesn’t realize
how miserable he should be. I envy that. Hey, do you know the story of
the dad from The Brady Bunch? Do I know his story? If I recall
correctly, he was bringing up three boys of his own. Right, but They
were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is
profoundly sad. No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated
being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered
it beneath him. Sound familiar? That’s not all that was beneath him. Gay
joke. Sorry, I’m better than that. Most people don’t even get to do The
Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives.
You’re actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty
much do anything you want. You’re responsible for your own happiness,
you know? – Good Lord, that’s depressing. – No, it’s not. I’m
responsible for my own happiness? I can’t even be responsible for my own
breakfast. Todd! I need help. What would make you happy? Well, finishing
my memoir, I guess. Is that all? I can help you with that. Yeah? I mean,
would you even want to? You’d have to spend a lot of time with me. You’d
probably get sick of me. I don’t think that’s going to happen. – No? –
No, BoJack. Okay. Well, then I guess you’re hired, but don’t put all
that stuff about how sad I am in the book. Oh, that doesn’t count. We
weren’t on the clock yet. Yeah, exactly. You’re only my ghostwriter
starting nah – Starting now. – You got it. – BoJack! – Ugh, this guy.
Hey, man, wanted to let you know, you are out of beer. Oh, I see you’ve
met my beautiful girlfriend, Diane Nguyen. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a
second. You drank all my beer? – Also, you two are dating? – Yeah. –
You’re dating him? – Yes. This is your boyfriend? – That is correct. –
Uh-huh. – You are going out with you? – Uh-huh. But in a sexual way, not
just as friends? – That’s right. – You have seen her naked. Many times,
yes. – You are attracted to this? – Yes. This penis has been inside this
vagina. – Yep. – But in a sexual way. Oh, yes. Humph. – Ugh. – Oh, my
God. Are you okay? I’m just I’m fine. I’m just I’m really happy for you.
Should we get someone, or No, everything’s Oh, this is really Wonderful.
Oh, God. Starting now. Boxer versus raptor. Next Episode Bojack Horseman
(2014)
1 2 BoJack Hates the Troops Say when. When. Yeah, you’ll never guess who’s
here. Think ‘90s. No, BoJack Horseman from Horsin’ Around. No, I mean,
he got a little fatter, but it’s definitely him. He looks really sad.
It’s hilarious. Get over here now. I told you, I don’t know where it is.
Don’t put things in my butt if you want them back. And hold for Princess
Carolyn, please. Thanks, Laura. d When you’re walking alone d d Because
Jellicles are And Jellicles do d d Jellicles do and Jelli d BoJack, it’s
your favorite agent. Yeah, some agent, you couldn’t even get me in the
room for War Horse. There were, like, ten horses in that movie. I didn’t
need to be the warhorse. Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you’re all
set for your first day with Diane tomorrow. Is she gonna ask me a bunch
of personal questions? The woman we’re paying to ghostwrite your memoir?
Yeah, probably. Okay, all right, there’s no need to get What, catty? Are
you gonna say catty? – I was not gonna say catty. – Oh, what were you
gonna say? I was gonna say catty because you’re a cat. Goodbye, BoJack.
Laura, I know you’re listening. You got it, right? Laura, do not respond
to him. Goodbye, BoJack. She got it. Oh, my God. Take another one. Take
another one. Excuse me, I just wanted you to know that you ruined
someone else’s night tonight, and I hope you have enough decency to at
least feel a little bit crappy about it. Excuse me? I was actually
already in a bad mood, but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out
to a bar and try to forget about myself, but now because of you and your
friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever. If we were bothering you
so much, why didn’t you just leave? Because I didn’t think of that, and
now I feel stupid. Look, I have a right to be here. No! Maybe because
you’re skinny and maybe ’cause you’re pretty, you’re used to getting
away with things, but I want you to know that your actions have an
effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and you
not understanding that you’re a horrible person doesn’t make you less of
a horrible person. You think I’m pretty? Well, that was another in a
long series of regrettable life choices. What’d you say? I was tweeting
about all the weird stuff you do in bed. – Good morning. – Ah! Why are
you here? I slept here. Yeah, but why are you still here? Breakfast.
That better not be my last Toaster Strudel. No, there were three left.
Well, get out of here. My memoirist is gonna show up soon, and I don’t
need you – What’s your name? – Pam. I don’t need you Pam-ing up the
place when she gets here. – Hey, BoJack. – Ah! Why are you here? – You
told me to come at 9:00. – That doesn’t sound like me. I have your email
right here. “Diane, why don’t you come over Tuesday morning at 9:00?
Also, you should bring this email with you because I might not remember
it because I just took a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha. Also,
please don’t put in my book that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha. I
just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night and then a much,
much larger dose to get me through the day. Also, I’m drunk. Also, I’m
alone, so alone, so, so alone. Please don’t put that in my book, book,
book, book ‘em, dildo. Does it taste like magenta in here?” Then I think
you fell asleep on the keyboard because it just says the letter “B” 27
times. That does sound like me. Well, anyway, this is my businessperson
Excuse me? Here to help me with some business needs. – All very above
board. – Uh, what’d you say? No need to mention her in the book either,
unless it’s a business book. Ha ha, classic BoJack. Why are you here?
Oh, funny story, I’m filming a reality show later, so I thought I’d drop
by with the old tennis ball and chain. That is neither funny nor a story
nor a reason for you to drop by. Aw, he just wanted to come over and
brag about his reality show. Get this, I am starring in a pilot
presentation for a celebrity reality show. It’s pretty cutting edge,
huh? Yeah, if it’s 2003. Ha ha. Don’t tell VH1 that. Seriously, though,
please don’t tell VH1 that. We are calling it Peanutbutter and Jelly.
Get it? – Because I’m Mr. Peanutbutter. – Okay, who’s jelly? No, no, no.
It’s like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s wordplay. You may
have too forgiving a definition of the word “wordplay.” Well, it’s a
working title. Well, it could be working harder, and that’s wordplay.
How’d you even get in here? Your roommate let us in. Mi casa es su casa.
And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels, and now my morning is
ruined. Could you guys keep it down, okay? I’m kind of on a date right
now. In America, I am actually considered very handsome. Okay, I’m gonna
go get breakfast, and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house
except for you and you and – Who are you again? – The girl you had sex
with. Right. You definitely should have already been gone. I really
shouldn’t eat chocolate ’cause it can literally kill me. Oh, I know. –
But I love chocolate. – Story of my life. Hey, excuse me. Yes, I am
BoJack Horseman, star of Horsin’ Around. Yeah, okay, I don’t care. Those
are my muffins. I’m sorry, I I don’t understand. Did you bring them into
the store with you? No, but I was going to buy them. That’s the last
box, and I had dibs on them. Really? You had dibs? Yeah, dibs. I just
put them down for a second while I went to the bathroom. Look, I don’t
even want the muffins. I was just looking at them, but I got to say, if
you put muffins down, they’re not your muffins. So what, I was supposed
to take them into the bathroom with me? You didn’t even put the muffins
in a cart. You just left them out here. Yeah, in the produce section.
Clearly, muffins aren’t supposed to be in the produce section. That
wasn’t a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs? Look, I don’t
want to get into a whole thing here. Then give me the muffins. No,
‘cause maybe now I want the muffins. You think that because you’re a
pseudo-celebrity, normal rules don’t apply to you? Pseudo? Would you say
that to Eric McCormack? Look, I’ve had a rough morning, so I don’t need
You’ve had a rough morning? I spent the last ten months Hey! Sorry,
wasn’t listening. See ya. You’re going to regret this, BoJack Horseman.
Oh, really? I’m gonna regret buying muffins? What, have they got a lot
of saturated fat in them? Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat.
Why’d I buy these? Man, I really regret buying those muffins and then
eating them all on the drive home. Well, my date with Ayako went really
well. Thanks for asking. I specifically didn’t ask, and I’ll thank you
to respect my total lack of interest in your personal life. She’s
hilarious. I never met a girl who was so curious about American bank
routing numbers. Still not interested. Should we get started on the
book? What’s your hurry? What do you guys think I should get Ayako for
our 12-hour anniversary? She wants a framed picture of my mother’s
maiden name. Okay, let’s get to work. Let’s start at the beginning. What
was your childhood like? – Normal. – Normal? Yeah, it was, uh, normal
normal childhood stuff. Here’s your omelet. I’m sorry it’s not as good
as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you’re not married to your
secretary, are you? Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an
abortion, I would be. Mommy, can I have an omelet? You’re the birthday
boy. Normal childhood, and then just get right into the big, famous
part. Look, if you’re not ready to talk, we can wait. I am ready to
talk. Why wouldn’t I want to talk about my parents? They’re so normal.
That’s crazy. You sound like a crazy person, not me. Stop being so
crazy, crazy. Why are you calling me crazy? Okay. Was your father Hold
on, I got to take this. Hello? Hey, BoJack, I’ve got Princess Carolyn
for you. – It’s urgent. – Great, put her on. Just a sec. I’ll see if
she’s available. d When you’re walking alone d d Because Jellicles are
And d BoJack, are you watching MSNBSea right now? Great question. Well,
I didn’t fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to
MSNBSea while simultaneously crippling myself, thus physically forcing
me to watch MSNBSea, so no. No, I’m not watching MSNBSea right now.
Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on. They’re talking about
you. Ooh! Good things, I hope. Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a
naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.
Thank you, Tom. Hey, I met this guy. All Neal wanted when he got home
and I emphasize, from Afghanistan was his favorite brand of breakfast
muffins. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box
Well, tell us what happened, Neal. BoJack Horseman, from the ’90s sitcom
Horsin’ Around, refused to respect my dibs. Have you no shame, BoJack
Horseman? Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party. Oh, not the sneezing
pic Why do they always use the sneezing picture? In the ’90s, we laughed
at your antics. Oh, how we laughed.”Ha ha ha,” we chortled in rapturous
glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the
frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke, indeed, and
you’ll forgive me if I chortle no longer, for, to me, there is nothing
the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy
SEAL. Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL? I didn’t know he
was a Navy SEAL. I just thought he was the regular kind of seal. This is
classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on
TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack, now
I’m on TV, so now I’m better than everybody! That’s right, Neal. You
didn’t even have dibs, you stupid sea cow. You guys think I should call
in and set the record straight? BoJack, these people feed off
controversy. If you dignify the story with a response, it’s just gonna
fan I’m now receiving word that we’ve got BoJack himself on the phone.
Sorry, stopped listening. You were ramping up to a “yes,” right? BoJack,
what you did today was a slap in the face of America’s heroes. Will you
Because he didn’t even really have dibs. If he had legitimate dibs Oh, I
had dibs on the muffins. I hid them in the produce section! You left
them totally out in the open. That’s hiding? How did you survive in
Afghanistan? Those are my muffins! You give me back my muffins! Hey,
guess what, I can’t give them back ’cause I ate them all, okay? Dude.
Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins?
Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I
hate myself. Is that what you want to hear? Neal, was it a small
container of muffins, like two to four muffins? No, Tom, there were a
good deal more than that. Can you remember exactly how many muffins were
in the box? Yeah, there were exactly 12! I ate 12 muffins, and I didn’t
even want one! There’s your goddamn news story, the mystery of my
missing goddamn self-respect! How’d I come off? Well, that went slightly
better than the worst it could have possibly gone, so hooray? It’s not
even about the muffins. Everyone is just out to get me because I’m
famous and so well-adjusted. Well, at least you’ve got some privacy. My
boyfriend’s filming a reality show at our house. If I want to be alone,
I have to go to the roof because it’s the only place they don’t have
insurance to film. You go on the roof? Yeah, just to get some work done.
Is that really weird? No, it’s adorable. When I was a kid, I used to
climb onto the roof with my dad and look at the stars. What about you?
Were you close with your father? Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. What is this
supposed to be, a lima bean? It’s a heart. That’s some shoddy
craftsmanship, son. – I tried my best. – No, you didn’t. You slacked off
and took the easy way out. In this world, you can either do things the
easy way or the right way. You take a boat from here to New York, you
gonna go around the horn like a gentleman or cut through the Panama
Canal like some kind of democrat? Um, the canal? You go around the horn
the way God intended! Uneventful. – What? – What? I asked if you were
close with your father, and you sat here in silence for five minutes and
then said, “Uneventful.” You know what, this is a really good
conversation, and I definitely want to keep having it, but I just keep
thinking about the muffins thing, so maybe we could put a pin in this
thorough deconstruction of my past, so I can put that other thing to bed
before it spirals out of con I had dibs! – My dibs were on those
muffins! – Your dibs were void! I spent a year in Afghanistan making
America safer, and this is the thanks I get? Really, you, specifically,
made America safer? Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the
troops are heroes. I don’t agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are
heroes but not automatically. I’m sure a lot of the troops are jerks.
Most people are jerks already, and it’s not like giving a jerk a gun and
telling him it’s okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a
hero. What? Did you just say you think the troops are jerks? Oh, you
took that the bad way, didn’t you? I’m sure a lot of the troops are
jerks. No, no, no. – The troops are jerks? – Oh, God. Most people are
jerks already, and it’s not like giving a jerk a gun Hello? Princess
Carolyn needs to talk to you immediately. Great, put her on. She’s
actually just getting out of a meeting. – Can you hold for a sec? – You
called me. d When you’re walking alone d d Because Jellicles are And
Jellicles do d Ugh. d Jellicles would And Jellicles can d – BoJack. –
Ah! I’m gonna level with you, honey. This whole you hating the troops
thing is not great. I don’t hate the troops. I just hate one specific
troop. I don’t even hate him, really. I just think that he’s wrong about
the muffins. I know, BoJack just like always, you’re right, and everyone
else is wrong. But if you don’t swallow your pride, this is never gonna
let up. – I know you’re stubborn – I’m not stubborn. – I’m proud. –
That’s kind of the same thing. No, it’s an important distinction. Okay,
fine. You’re not stubborn. But I’m about to tell you something very
important, so I want you to listen carefully. I’m getting another call.
I’m gonna have to put you on hold. d When you’re walking alone d d
Because Jellicles are And Jellicles do d It is now day three of the
great BoJack jerk-off Really? That’s the name we came up with for this?
Who came up with that? Was it Randy? Did Randy come up with that?
Anyway, the former television actor who hates our troops has not left
his home since his controversial remarks on Monday about how he hates
the troops. BoJack Horseman makes me sick. He voiced his opinion, even
though it was unpopular, and that’s the most cowardly thing a person can
do. After we made love, he covered himself in sheets like an Arab. At
this very moment, Congress is voting on a major education bill that
could completely restructure the Joan, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but
we’ve got some big news on the BoJack Horseman front. It appears that
BoJack’s Lexus is coming out of the garage. This is very big news,
indeed. Any comment on BoJack’s controversial remarks this week? Uh,
nope. So where are we going? Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. Whoa! Jeez.
Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto. _ _ _ _ _
Hey, I meant I was rich because I have friends like George Bailey. _ _
_ Hello? Well, I’m out of ideas. We can hide out at my place while we
make a plan. Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras. Do we
really need to be filming this? It’s for my reality show. You never know
when gold’s gonna strike. Yeah, gold doesn’t strike. That’s why you
never know. BoJack, be nice. Just pretend they’re not there. Okay. Well,
I Could you speak up, please? – I’d like to – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That’s too loud. I want to fix this as quickly as possible. I don’t care
who was right about the muffins anymore, even though I was definitely
right. I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing my tell-all
memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again. I’ve already reached
out to the McBeal camp. He’s willing to publicly forgive you if you
publicly apologize and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol of
But I ate the muffins. I know. We got another box. It’s in the cupboard.
Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too. We’ve been here for ten
minutes! It’s okay, we’ll get more muffins. I’ll get the muffins, and
they’re on me. I just found out I got I’m helping! Hooray! So where are
we gonna do this? Do I have to go on MSNBSea? No, we should do it
somewhere people will actually see it. Oh, why don’t you do it on
Peanutbutter and Jelly? You can’t call a show Peanutbutter and Jelly if
there’s no jelly. It’s a pun. It’s not a pun if it only works one way.
Is this a necessary conversation to be having right now? Look, I know
tempers are high, but let’s not take it out on the great title for my
reality show, which we all agree is really clever. We can edit this to
make me look smart, right? d Yeah d – d Peanutbutter d – d Come on d
How’s this look? Looks good? – Okay. – Marker, sound, speed. Well, here
I am, hanging out with my good friend BoJack Horseman, enjoying each
other’s company, as we often do. Yes, this is all very authentic and
natural. Oh, someone’s at the door! I will see who it is. Wow, this is a
surprise. Neal McBeal. Hello, sir. Thank you for inviting me into your
home. It is lovely. BoJack, is there anything you’d like to give Neal
McBeal? Ahem. Oh, yeah, Todd? What the hell is this? I tried to buy the
muffins, but my bank card got declined for some reason. But don’t worry,
I still saved the day because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns.
I’m sorry? Yeah, they’re just giving them away behind In-N-Out. Why does
anybody pay for anything? Ow. Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration,
please accept this bag of stale hamburger buns. – What? – Yes, hamburger
buns. It’s a symbol for how we throw our veterans in the trash, sadly,
far too often. I’m listening. We send our muffins overseas, and they
come back as stale hamburger buns, but that doesn’t mean we should love
them any less, because in their own way, aren’t stale hamburger buns
just as good? Mmm. American made. So what you’re saying is, you think
I’m a hero. Well, I don’t know if I Say it, BoJack. Say I’m a hero.
You’re a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one. Great. And I
don’t believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects
those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns.
Okay, you can let go of the bag now. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent
about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that
claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the
answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.
Yeah, me neither. I think we’re in agreement here. Furthermore, I do not
find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place
on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the
complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty
catchphrases. Okay. And finally, I don’t Hey, look, Mr. Peanutbutter got
a bucket stuck on his head. Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me
where I am? Hey, where’d he get that bucket from? Who gave him a bucket?
Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make. Yeah, but who
doesn’t love a dog with a bucket on his head? Come on. Bucket! Bucket!
Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Hey, can anyone find a handle?
Oh, thank you, my friend. You’re a real hero. Unbelievable. What’s your
name, young lady? Well, my real name’s Angela, but my friends call me
Jelly. What? Oh, my God, did we get that? Please tell me we got that.
You want a day-old hamburger bun? I’m all right. How’d it go down there?
You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear
what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth. I want
to hear the truth. I don’t know if you want to tell it, though. What do
you mean? Mr. Normal Childhood, Mr. Uneventful Father? Look, I can write
you the standard empty-calorie celebrity tell-some, if that’s what
you’re looking for, but I thought you might want more than that. I do.
Well, then you’re going to have to open up and give me something real.
What, you think I can’t open up? Well, I don’t know if you can or not.
You certainly haven’t. Okay, from now on, full truth, warts and all.
You’re not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you? I don’t know,
are you an asshole? Okay, full truth, here we go. You want to know about
my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother
was the heiress to the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune, and my dad resented
her for it. He used to make me cry with him while listening to Cole
Porter records. He made me build my own tree house, and then he tore it
down while I was at summer camp because instead of hearty, Christian
nails, I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails. Like I said,
totally normal. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 3 Prickly-Muffin 1×03 – Prickly Muffin Who wants chocolate chip pancakes?
I do! I do! Ethan, didn’t you already eat your pancakes? As Oliver North
would say, “I do not recall.” Hey, where’s Sabrina? Not hiding under the
table, that’s for sure. Aww Why don’t you guys leave this one to me? Why
aren’t you dressed for school, prickly muffin? I’m scared. Olivia told
me sometimes, at school they have pop quizzes. I don’t want to pop!
That’s too much, man. Sabrina, nobody’s popping on my watch. You stick
with me, and I promise you, everything’s gonna be just fine. – Cut, boom
in the shot. – What? I’ll be in my trailer. Nah, I’m just horsin’
around. You folks enjoying the show? And how about Sara Lynn as Sabrina?
Isn’t she wonderful? Oh. Thank you. Sarah Lynn. You remember that name.
Back to one, everybody. – Hey, you see those people? – Yeah. Well, those
boobs and jerk wads are the best friends you’ll ever have. Without them,
you’re nothing. Remember that. Let’s take it back to “prickly muffin.”
Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try
to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they’ll be good
to you. We are rolling. Sound speed. The most important thing is, you
got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it
empties you out until there’s nothing left to empty. No matter what
happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don’t stop dancing, and you
don’t stop smiling, and you give those people what they want. And
action. Why aren’t you dressed for school, prickly muffin? You might
remember her as adorable Sabrina from Horsin’ Around, but on her new
dance pop album, Sarah Lynn wants you to know that she is hot to trot.
Why don’t you touch my prickly muffin? My prickly muffin Ooh, prickly
And it’s muffin, and it’s It’s ready for your stuffing What is the
message behind your music? America needs to know that I’m not that
little girl anymore. I’m a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have
sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay, and since I’m sexy
right now, they like me. Are you at all worried that audiences will grow
bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing? Are you kidding? I’m
Sarah freaking Lynn. I’m gonna be sexy forever! Pop star and child
actress, Sarah Lynn, celebrates her 30th birthday this month, raising
the question, “does anyone care about Sarah Lynn anymore?” After all,
she is 30. Here to answer that question, sexy, 14-year-old dubstep
wunderkind, Sextina Aquafina. Hey! Sextina, what’s your take? I love
Sarah Lynn. I grew up on her music, okay, and she’s, like, an
inspiration, but now, she is old, and shriveled, and gross, and nobody
want her no more, okay? – They want Sextina Aquafina, baby! – Ha ha!
You’re delightful. So where does Sarah Lynn go from here? Oh, you know
where she should go? She should go wherever famous people go when
they’re done being famous, and nobody cares if they live or die. Who
could that be? Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? I do! I do! – Why
are you talking to me? – I thought maybe if I said that, you’d make me
chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, come on, buddy. It’s a beautiful morning,
the sun is shining, – birds are chirping – Hey, BoJack, – any plans for
the weekend? – Still hate the troops, Boj? – Why don’t you refill your
bird feeder, huh? – Yeah, who’s a bird got to blow – to get some seed
around here? – Good one. Let’s do something fun today. – Like what? –
Like a cannonball! Like a “buying you a new bed”? Wow, everything in
this store is made out of old train tracks and a reclaimed pier. Oh,
great, for ten grand, I can sleep like a hobo. Do we need letter openers
made out of Confederate bayonets? It says they’re stained with authentic
Yankee blood. O-M-G. O-M-G! O-M-M-F-C-S-D-V-R-Q-Q-P-Q-F-G! – I know. –
Ugh. Yeah, it’s me, straight off your TV screens and into your shitty
lives. It’s Sarah Lynn and Andrew Garfield. Huh? What the ? – And what’s
your name, darling? – I mm I’ll just make it out to “Evelyn.” Uh – Um,
hi. Sarah Lynn, hi. – BoJack? Hey. Andrew, this is BoJack, my TV dad.
Oh, hello, I’m Andrew Garfield. Andrew’s my boyfriend. We’re a celebrity
power couple. It’s no big deal. It’s a really big deal. Sarah Lynn, I
actually wanted to talk to you about that. When we started dating, you
were the biggest star in the world, but your last few albums tanked, so
now, I don’t even know what you are anymore. Are you Are you breaking up
with me? – Oh, bother. – Um, are those candy pills, ‘cause if so, that
is a lot of sugar. Why are you doing this to me?! Do you like seeing me
suffer? Because you know I’ll bleed for you. – Oh! – Damn! – Oh, dear. –
Whoa-oh-oh. Um Darling, please, I wanted to do this in a public place so
you wouldn’t make a scene. You think I won’t make a scene, you limey
bastard? Then you really don’t know me at all. Hey, everyone! Who wants
to see me take a dump on that sofa? And then she took a dump on a sofa
made out of a reclaimed propeller. Where’s Sarah Lynn now? I checked her
into Promises. How did it feel to check the girl you raised on
television into rehab? It was tough. I would have liked to reconnect
with her. At least we got to bond a little on the drive to Malibu. I can
see my organs. Oh, whoa! She is losing a lot of blood, BoJack. Beautiful
day for a drive, though, huh? Well, maybe the two of you can catch up
some more when she gets out of rehab. People don’t usually want to hang
out with me after rehab. I’m really more of a before-rehab friend. I
think it’s gonna be a long time before I see Sarah Lynn again. Who could
that be? Look, BoJack, I appreciate what you were trying to do, but I
don’t need rehab. Look, good as new, huh? Oh, great, well, that’s a
relief. Uh, should you be taking all those pills? It’s
dexitriathylphenolbarbatol. – I got it from a doctor. – Your doctor or
just a doctor? I don’t know, some doctor, okay? I met him at Adam
Levine’s Halloween party. – I think he said his name was Dr. Who. –
Yeah, I don’t think that was Ohh, God damn. Uh, are you supposed to be
snorting it like that? Ugh! What are you, the paramedic who restarted my
heart at Adam Levine’s Halloween party? Okay, so before we put to bed
the whole – you going to rehab thing – BoJack, all my life, I’ve never
been forced to confront my problems head on. No one has ever said “no”
to me, ever, so is it cool if instead of confronting my problems head
on, I just hide out here for a little bit? Sarah Lynn, I hear what
you’re saying, and I think I know what you need. You just need a strong,
responsible adult to say: “Yes. Yes, you can move in with me.” This is
gonna be fun. Hey, everyone, the old gang’s getting back together. Three
little orphans One, two, three Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? –
I do! I do! – Uh, what’s going on in here? Morning, sleepy-pooh, you
want pancakes? Yeah, that sounds great. Ooh, tough break, champ. I just
gave the last one to Sarah Lynn. Early bird gets the worm. More like
early turd gets the sperm. Wha “Early turd gets the sperm,” nice one,
Sarah Lynn. You should do a Shouts and Murmurs. Help yourself to some
cold wheat bran, sport. Ugh. Thanks for letting me crash here, BoJack.
The guest room is yours as long as you want. You have a guest room? Why
have I been sleeping on the couch for five years? You’ll get the guest
room when you’ve earned the guest room. These pancakes are so good. All
Andrew ever wanted to eat was stupid lasagna. – Andrew Garfield loves
lasagna? – I don’t want to talk about him! BoJack, can you drive me to
the mall today? I really want to go shopping, but I’m not allowed to
drive because somebody got a DUI. Uh, that somebody was you, right? I
don’t have to answer your questions! What are you, the cop that pulled
me over after Adam Levine’s Halloween party? Honey, do you really think
going to the mall’s a good idea? I seem to recall another time you went
shopping when things got pretty out of control. Oh, that’s too much,
man! Oh. Really? Not the time when she gored herself with a bayonet and
shat on a floor model? Hey, I’m not the crazy one. Andrew’s the one who
flies off the handle whenever his agent sets up an audition on a Monday.
Andrew Garfield hates Mondays and loves lasagna? I said I don’t want to
talk about it! – She said drop it, Todd! – Whatever, I don’t want to go
to the stupid mall. I’ll just tell my friends to come here. Muffin, I’ve
got to work on my book today, and I can’t have a bunch of folks over
making a lot of noise. Oh, I see. I’m a burden to you. No, no, no, no,
no. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. I’m no longer cute, so I have nothing to
offer this world. Honey, of course your friends are always welcome here.
Cool. Bye. – Can I invite a frien – No. You let that basket case into
your house? That girl is a PR hurricane that you don’t need right now.
She has nowhere else to turn. She broke up with her boyfriend. She
stabbed herself and closed the wound with duct tape. – She fired her
agent. – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, horsey. Did you say Sarah Lynn
doesn’t have an agent? Laura, hold my calls, cancel everything! Ahab’s
got a white whale to catch, baby! Uh, hello? Still there? Oh, th that’s
that’s fragile. Uh, no, oh, no, wait. Careful. Careful. Careful. Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey! Ah! Lemur! Great party, Sarah Lynn. Hi, what it is,
banana bread? I’m not looking for a new agent right now. Oh, whoa, whoa.
Who says I’m looking for a new client? Slow your roll, Speed Racer.
We’re just two single ladies having a no-presh rap sesh. I’m not one of
those agents who can’t turn it off. Your Ari Emanuels and Vanessa Geckos
and what have you. Vanessa Gecko is actually Andrew’s agent, and she’s
really great. Is she? I’ve heard that. I didn’t realize you were so into
house music. Look, I asked her to turn it down, but apparently, this
volume was prescribed by Dr. Who to treat something called “uptight
dickhead disease.” What do you What do you think about Sarah Lynn? Oh, I
don’t really think about her all that much. I mean, obviously, I’m a fan
of her early work which both satirized and celebrated youth culture’s
obsession with sex, but I do wonder as a third-wave feminist if it’s
even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply
entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so is just a lie we
tell ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze. – Uh,
what? – But you know, on the other hand, I worry that conversations like
this one often dismiss her as a mere puppet of the industry – That’s my
same worry. – incapable of engaging – in these discussions herself –
Obviously. and infantilization, which is itself a product – of the
deeply misogynistic – So deep. society we live in. But like I said, I
don’t really think about her all that much. Okay, well, that is very
interesting, but I was more asking, like, what do you think about her
living here? Oh, right. Well, what was your relationship like with her
when you were working on the show? It was very good, very professional.
BoJack, where did you go to college? – Don’t bother him, honey. – Oh,
it’s no problem. Honey, college is for ugly people who can’t tap dance.
– I want to be an architect. – Sweetheart, Mommy didn’t do what Mommy
did to that Star Search producer so that you could be an architect. –
Aw. – All right, – take it sleazy, everybody. – Wait, BoJack, um, what
are you doing this weekend? I don’t know. I’ll probably just go to the
amusement park, maybe the circus, fly a kite on the beach, watch the
sunset, then I’ll head back to my place to watch any number of Disney
princess movies while eating ice cream straight from the tub. Whoa, that
sounds like so much fun. Can I come? Yeah, like I want to spend my
weekend hanging out with a little girl. Good one! You should write for
the Shouts and Murmurs. See you Monday! So the makeup they were putting
on you was not for the show, it was just for the weekend? – Why does
that matter? – I’m just trying to understand the story. Do you think
it’s possible that you inviting Sarah Lynn into your house now is your
way of compensating for not No, Diane, I’m just helping out a friend.
I’m not trying to play out some weird, sick dad fantasy, or resolve a
deep guilt for past neglect, or even try to retroactively fix my own
childhood by recreating someone else’s, and I’m especially not doing all
those things at once! Okay. What happened? Did somebody hurt my precious
baby? Sarah Lynn! Ah! What the ? Oh, hey, BoJack. I told my friends they
could tear this wall out to build a sweet cocaine booth/sex closet. – Is
that cool? – No, that’s not cool. Oof. Way to harsh the vibe, Kissinger.
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I thought this was a place where Sarah
Lynn could finally be Sarah Lynn, but I guess – that’s too much, man. –
I always loved that catch phrase. Can your friends at least take the
artwork off the wall first? Ooh. I want to say yes, but no. – Okay, good
talk. – Wha Are you serious? The reason I have called this house meeting
is Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don’t have the
authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You
can propose a house meeting. All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason
I propose – this house meeting – Your proposal has been submitted and is
under board review. – Proposal denied. – BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing
is getting out of control, okay? She’s taking advantage of you. What? No
she’s not. We have a special relationship. You couldn’t possibly
understand. Oh, my God. Look at what she’s done to your house. All
right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I’m addicted
to heroin now, so now, that’s probably gonna be a whole thing. I have to
say, I agree with Todd. You’re not this girl’s father, and you’re not
doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries. Look, I played a dad
for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about
parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin’ Around didn’t need
boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love. BoJack!
This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life. Ah! Lemur on fire! Lemur
on fire! Some good, old-fashioned love, and I’m gonna give it to her.
I’m gonna give it to her so hard. You know, I feel like we don’t ever
hang out. Here you are, milady, a gin and nutmeg just like you asked.
Ugh. Too much nutmeg. Well, you know what would taste even better? An
endorsement for a Slovakian yogurt. Could Vanessa Gecko get you that?
Vanessa Gecko got Andrew The Social Network, and she has skybox seats at
the Staples Center. – What do you have? – Well, I’ve got a table at the
Comedy Central roast of Gloria Stein Hey, Sarah Lynn, what say we spend
the day together, just you and me, away from all the haters? – I want to
say yes, but – Great, let’s go. It really seems like Some things are
forever in this world Don’t you know I’m feeling fine together with my
girl Daddy’s girl She’s daddy’s girl You know, Sarah Lynn, I got a
feeling – everything’s gonna be okay. – Uh-huh. Hey, did you hear Kazaz
got cancer? What? Herb Kazaz has cancer? Yeah, in the butt. He’s got,
like, six months I think. Well, that’s horrible. Why would you tell me
that now? I don’t know. The sun setting over those two hills made me
think of a big ass, and that made me think of ass cancer, and that made
me think of Herb Kazaz’s ass cancer. You really didn’t know? No, Herb
and I aren’t on the best Look, I’m trying to have a moment here. I can’t
Hey, I want to give you something. – Is this your TV Guide award? – It’s
the most prestigious award I ever won. I always thought if I ever had
kids of my own, I’d give it to them one day. I want you to have it. Oh,
wow. BoJack, thanks. You’re sweet. Na-na-na-na La-la-la-la Na-na-na-na
La-la-la-la – What are you doing? – Shh. Just let the credits roll, let
the credits roll. Sha-na-na-na-na-na Special moment Exec Producer Garry
Marshall Na-na-na Such a happy day “Sit, Ubu, sit.” “Good dog.” “Arf.” –
Can we go home now? – Yeah, okay, we’re done. Hey now, boy, come and try
My clitoris is ginormous – Hello? – BoJack Horseman. Did you get rid of
your old TV Guide award? This pawnshop on La Cienega was selling one –
with your name on it. – What? Wait, why were you at a pawnshop? Oh, I
just have a guy there who calls me whenever TV awards come in so I can
buy ’em. I put my name on, it’s like I won it myself! I have two Golden
Globes and a People’s Choice forTemple Grandin. Sarah Lynn! Hello? You
still there? My clitoris is ginor Okay, party’s over. Everybody out. –
Aw! – Not you. You are in big trouble, young lady. I can’t believe you
pawned my award. It wasn’t personal. I just thought your award was
stupid, and I already have a billion other awards, and I wanted to get
money for drugs. Look, things have been tough for you, and I understand
that. I know what you’re going through right now. Oh, you know what I’m
going through? Why? Because you were on some dumb kids show a million
years ago? – Hey, now. – I had my own fashion line when I was ten. By
20, I was packing stadiums. I get letters every day from boys telling me
that I was the first girl they masturbated to. Literally, someone tells
me that every day. – That is gross. – Oh-ho, I know! You sit up here in
your little house and feel sorry for yourself? Oh, guess what, Bo-J, in
order to be a has-been, you have to have actually, – you know, been. –
You are way out of line! You’re not my dad. You’re just a rugged, older
man who provided me with a strong, masculine presence during my
formative years. I’m not your dad, and you’re not my child. We’re just a
man and a lady living in a house together, and we’re both adults, and
we’re both a little drunk. Who-o-o lit my ottoman on fire? – Seriously,
you seriously don’t know? – I’m a bad “widdle” girl. Yeah, you are bad,
very bad! You want me to put it out with my boob? – Uh, what? – Your
boob is a very impractical way to put out a fire. What is happening? I
think you have a serious drug problem. The only drug I need is horse.
Guys, guys, what are you doing? Please don’t do this. No, no. Why are
you This is a very bad idea. Can I at least get my blanket let me get my
blanket out from under Oh G Oh, my God, my arm. – You got my arm. – Ow!
Ow! I’m in it now. Oh, God, no! I’m a part of it. I still haven’t
regained the feeling in my fingers. That was the longest two minutes of
my life. Um, I think it was a little longer than two minutes. It was
longer than two minutes. How do you not get that this is terrible? Oh,
you mean from a P.R. standpoint? Yeah, ’cause if this got out, oh, I
would get flayed! Oh, I’m done being the voice of reason. It’s
exhausting. I got to take an angry nap. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I know. I know.
She’s taking advantage of me. Actually, it kind of feels like you’re the
one taking advantage of her. She’s the one with substance abuse problems
and daddy issues. Hey, we both have substance abuse problems – and daddy
issues. – Yeah, but she came to you for help. Hey, notice how I’ve been
ignoring you, playing hard to get? Only makes you want me more. Ugh. Go
stand on the other side of the room. – Okay. – Sarah Lynn, get your
coat. – I’m taking you to rehab. – Nah, I was gonna keep hanging out
here if that’s all right. – No, it’s not all right. – What? This place
isn’t good for you. You need to go where you can get help, real help.
But I thought you were always gonna be there for me like you said. I
will always be there for you. Cut, let’s take ten. That’s ten, everyone.
Let’s make it a tight ten. These pages are shit. you understand? Shit. I
wouldn’t wipe my ass with these pages. It would defeat the whole purpose
of wiping my ass. – Phone for you. – Uh-huh. You get me points on the
back end? Well, I told you I’m not gonna do it unless I get points. Oh,
they can’t find any? Well, maybe they could suck some out of my dick!
I’m on the phone. You’re being very rude. You promised me you would
always be there. Sarah Lynn, this is for your own good. You can’t stay
here anymore. Okie-doke. I guess I’ll just move out and find one of the
billion people who will let me party at their house. Uh, well, you
should not do that. Oh, I know. I know, but I can, so I will. I’m at a
place right now where I never need to grow as a person or rise to an
occasion because I can constantly just surround myself with sycophants
and enablers until I die tragically young. – Wh-What? – Yeah, it’s
pretty much too late for me. Well, them’s the breaks. Take it sleazy,
everybody. Oh, by the way, I called Vanessa Gecko, and I’m meeting with
her tomorrow. – Thanks for the suggestion. – No! No, no, no, no, no!
Hey, you guys want to hear my new catchphrase? Suck a dick, dumb shits!
Laura, the dummy took the bait. Now for phase two. Is she gone? Is it
safe to come out? Leak to the trades that Andrew Garfield’s agent is
taking meetings with his ex, get it all over town, wait an hour, then
get me lunch with Andrew on the books for this weekend, someplace
Italian. I really blew it, didn’t I? I mean, maybe you could have been a
better role model when she was young, but also, she never really had a
chance. This is what our celebrity culture does to people. So what
you’re saying is: Everything is society’s fault, and we as individuals
never need to take responsibility for anything? Uh, no. Not exactly. I
was just saying that Yeah. I like that. I didn’t do anything wrong
because I can’t do anything wrong because we’re all just products of our
environment, bouncing around like marbles in the game of Hungry Hungry
Hippos that is our random and cruel universe. Wait, no, that’s not even
what I’m saying Yeah, It’s not my fault. It’s society. Everything is
because of society! – BoJack, that – Dude, just let him have this.
Hooray! Everything is meaningless! Nothing I do has consequence! – So
what’d you get, anything good? – Oh, I got everything. Back in the ’90s
I was in a very famous TV show – # I’m BoJack the horse # – # BoJack
# BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold
on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess
I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or
I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus raptor. Na na na na na na
na na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 4 Zoës and Zeldas 1×04 – Zoes and Zeldas And he says he says, “Why the
long face?” And I say, “Hey, buddy, I can’t help it.” You get that? Long
face. Horses have long faces. I am a horse, my face is long. You get it,
right? Good, good. What about the Rock Hudson stuff? Felt like that flew
over your heads. Did you get that? Keep this up, and the only thing
we’re gonna get is our money back! Okay, okay, it wasn’t that funny.
Maybe you didn’t get it. Uh, hey, guys, guys – Hey, let me buy you a
drink. – Get cancer, jerk wad. You’ve got some good material, you really
do. The Gorbachev stuff, it’s killer. But you gotta stop asking people
if they get things. – But then who do I know if they got it? – They’ll
laugh. Why are you giving me advice? Look, I’ve been doing stand-up for
a year now, and it’s the responsibility of big shots like me to always
be looking out for the little guy. – Let me buy you a drink. – Oh, I
don’t drink. – BoJack Horseman. – Herb Kazazz. Oh, God! Goddamn it,
Todd, clean up your shit. What am I supposed to do, okay? You don’t give
me any closet space. Not my problem. A better man than you once said,
and I quote, “It’s the responsibility of little guys like you to be
looking out for big shots like me.” Who said that? I don’t know, Jesus,
Ghandi, Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Clean up your shit! Oh! Gloria Steinem,
one of the leading lights of modern feminism. You will surely go down in
the annals of history just as surely as Lisa Lampanelli will go down in
the locker room of the Houston Rockets. Hey, BoJack, settle a bet. – Are
you a Zoe or a Zelda? – Don’t know what that means. Well, I was talking
to Wayne. – Who’s Wayne? – I’m Wayne. Wayne’s writing an article about
me for BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed? What’ll they think of next? Fun fact: Wayne
is also my ex-boyfriend. You’re funny. Pretty cool, eh, BoJack? Diane’s
writing a book about you, Wayne’s writing an article about me. We’re the
same! How could you think that that’s the same? My book will be in
libraries for hundreds of years. Your BuzzFeed article will be crammed
between an animated GIF of a cat falling asleep and a list of fun facts
about Legally Blonde. – Ha! Classic Zoe. – I still don’t know what that
means. Well, are you familiar with Mr. Peanutbutter’s House? Do you mean
his sitcom that coincidentally had the exact same premise as my sitcom?
Not the exact same. Mr. Peanutbutter’s House featured a pair of twins,
Zoe and Zelda. Zelda was the sunny, fun-loving extrovert. – Look at my
pumpkin, Mr. Peanutbutter. – Pretty smile, Zelly-belly. Aww Whereas Zoe
was the smart, cynical introvert. My pumpkin’s throwing up because
Halloween encourages excessive consumption of refined sugar at a time
when obesity rates are sky high. Plus, Halloween costumes are a gateway
to casual racism. Why don’t I keep the knife, Zo-bo? Who’s that dog?
Mr. Peanutbutter Knick-knack, paddywhack Give a dog a bone Now, was the
show’s acting ham-fisted and the writing moronic? – N-n-no? – Yes, but
the Zoe/Zelda paradigm rang true. I believe everyone’s either a Zoe or a
Zelda. For example, Nixon was a Zoe and Kennedy, a Zelda. Al Gore, Zoe.
George W. Bush, total Zelda. It’s R2-D2 and C-3PO, Zooey and Emily
Deschanel. So Zooey’s a Zoe? No, Zooey’s a Zelda. Emily’s the Zoe. What
a crazy world. – So which one are you, BoJack? – I think I’m above this.
Said the Zoe. Well, I think I’m a Zelda. Or maybe you’re the third kind
of person, whose only function is to drain the energy and life force –
from his host organism. – Come on, BoJack. Nah, he’s right. I’m pretty
much worthless. See? You say something to someone enough times, and
eventually, he internalizes it. The system works. I don’t have a job, I
don’t have any prospects. I probably won’t ever finish the rock opera
I’m working on. What? Since when are you working on a rock opera? Oh,
no. Why’d I ask that? Basically, it’s Tommy by way of Cirque du Soleil
set in space, with heavy erotic overtones, and the gripping psychodrama
of a thriller with plenty of heart and more than a little humor. I call
it Newtopia Rising, Book 1: – The Search for a New Utopia. – Book 1?
You’ve got me thinking sequel here. Traveling on a spaceship – I’m in. –
I’m out. So far away from home To find a new and better place A planet
rich with loam – Loam? “Rich with loam?” – Yeah, it’s a kind of soil.
These people are simple, agricultural types. On a spaceship? We learned
a lot And had some laughs But they couldn’t make us slaves No! No, they
couldn’t make us slaves No! No, they could-n-n-n’t Make u-u-u-us One,
two “Slaves.” Just say “slaves.” Sla-a-a-a-a-a-aves That was and I don’t
say this lightly worse than a hundred September 11ths. Yeah, you’re
right. This was stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking. – Well, guess
I’ll give up forever. – That’s the spirit. Now, you have to understand
American culture, especially Blues music and its unruly nephew, Rock and
Roll. I thought this story was about running into Paul McCartney in the
bathroom at the Golden Globes. It is. I thought you would appreciate
some context. Let’s skip that one for a minute. – Tell me about Todd. –
Todd? What’s to tell? Five years ago, he found his way into one of my
house parties and never left. And you’ve never asked him anything about
himself? I’ve asked him to get a job, I’ve asked him to move out. With a
little encouragement, I’ll bet he could really flourish. I mean, didn’t
you have anyone who helped you – when you were just starting out? – Um,
actually, no. Todd clearly thinks the world of you. Todd thinks the
world of Pop-Tarts. Look, I get that helping other people is not your
thing, but What? I let Todd live rent-free in my stately manse. I am his
own personal Mother Teresa. But do you let him stay here because you’re
kind or just because you’re terrified of being alone? That is insane! I
would love to be alone. That is all I want. Mmm if that were really
true, I don’t think you’d be clipping Todd’s wings all the time. What?
That’s unbelievable. – Todd! – What? Clean up my shit? Yes, but also, I
supporting you. I-I don’t understand. Oh, my God, are you dying? No. I
think you have great depth of untapped potential and I wish to mentor
you in your art. – Really? – Yes. Wait, is this going to be like that
time you promised to take me ice skating, and I got really excited about
the ice skating, but then instead of ice skating, you left me at home so
you could go to the strip club and then you took the strippers ice
skating? – No. – Then hooray! Let’s dig in. Where to start? Okay, well,
the headline is, I hate it. I hate everything about it. The premise is
bad and the execution is also bad. It’s an irredeemable jumble of shit.
– Tough but fair. – Ahem. That said, I don’t see why we can’t make
something really great here. Okay, thank you. I’ll work on that. – Are
you close? – No! – How ‘bout now? – No! – Now? – You’re not even inside
of me. Oh, God! Did you get there? Okay, so you know in the second act
closer when the seekers of Newtopia are in the Turbidians’ dungeon and
they learn their ship – has been destroyed? – No. Well, what if we move
that to the fourth act? I have no idea what you’re talking about, but
that idea is terrible. I hear the note. Let me see what I can do. And
that’s why this planet su-u-u-u-u-cks – So? – How can I put this?
Imagine if the Holocaust happened every four years like the Olympics. I
would rather that happened than your rock opera. That’s not really a
note. In fact, none of your notes have been notes. I feel like you’re
not even listening. Yeah, well, you know what? Maybe I would listen if
the Turbidians had some reason to enter the Cave of Swollen Dreams that
didn’t break the pact they made in act one – with Queen Darneesa. – You
have been listening. This just doesn’t make sense. The Turbidians are a
loyal people. They they wouldn’t betray their queen. Unless They were
working for Queen Darneesa, who gave them a potion that would counteract
the effects of the Elixir of Failed Remembrance so they could bring the
secret knowledge from the cave back to her, and then establish Newtopia
as a vassal state to the Craterman kingdom! Well, don’t just sit there!
Get this down! Oh, you like that. – You like daddy’s good stuff? – Not
especially. Did you get there? Okay, what if there isn’t a robot army? I
think you just blew this thing wide open. We’ll make this our
Newtopia-a-a – # Up a fifth # – # Ah # – # Down a fifth # – #
A-a-ah # That was great! This train is moving. Let’s take a break and
get lunch. – Wait, you want to get lunch with me? – Yeah, that’s right.
Is this like the time you invited me to lunch, but then, when I got to
the restaurant, you texted me to tell me you weren’t coming because you
were at a strip club “eating stripper” for lunch, – and also, it was my
birthday? – No. Then hooray! And that was a last time I worked with
David O. Russell. What’s that old expression? “Fool me once, shame on
me, but fool me twice fiddle-dee-dee.” I do believe that is the
expression. Ooh, hold on. I gotta take this. Erica, I don’t have time to
be charmed to death right now. So how long have you been dating
Mr. Peanutbutter? Is it serious? I’m only asking for the article. Better
question: How long does it take to write a BuzzFeed article? – I want to
be thorough. – What?! Diane, Diane, Diane, Diane! – Do you know what
today is? – Sunday? It’s “burritos as big as your head” day at El Taco
Loco! We gotta go right now! I thought we were going to see the Diane
Arbus show at LACMA today. You know I love Diane Arbus. I see what’s
happening here. Her name is Diane, and your name is Diane. That’s not
what’s happening. I can go to the Arbus show with you, Diane. – What? –
I’ve actually been meaning to go myself. Oh, man, you guys are perfect
for each other. Why did you ever break up? Okay, less yakking, more
snacking. Let’s go ride in the car! Here’s your steak. – Uh, sorry. –
Mm-hmm. You mean to tell me that for a full year you were on the run –
from the Russian mafia? – Well, a Russian mafia. I can’t believe you
never told me any of this stuff. I just thought you were a dumb
freeloader who ate all my food and played video games all day. You
should have seen me in high school. – There was this one game,
Decapathon. – I remember that game. I was up for Dr. Decapitator in the
movie version. They said they wanted someone hipper, but the part ended
up going to Robert Downey. – Junior? – If it was Junior, I would have
said, “Junior.” That game basically destroyed my life. I flunked out of
school, my girlfriend left me. I mean, I didn’t stop playing until my
mom threw me out of the house. I mean, that’s when I first realized, you
know, – I’m a total screw-up. – You’re not a screw-up anymore, Todd.
think that. I got Princess Carolyn to invite Virgil Van Cleef – to our
next rehearsal. – Who in the what Van? Virgil Van Cleef is the biggest
name in rock opera. Okay, think of all the great rock operas – from the
last 20 years. – Okay. He had a piece of all of them. Wow, Todd, are you
sure we’re ready for that? Hey, you said yourself the train is moving,
but if you think we’re not ready, I mean, I’ll listen to you. Hey,
you’ve done enough listening, buddy. Maybe it’s about time I start
listening. Well, I feel like Gotta take this. Hello? Hello? BoJack
Horseman? We have some very delicate pictures you might have an interest
in not getting into the wrong hands. I am very happy with my current –
long distance provider, thank you. – What? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m
having lunch with my friend. But if you just listen All right, gang,
when Virgil Van Cleef gets here, look alive. This could be Todd’s big
break, so clap really hard and laugh at all the jokes, even if they’re
not funny, but also, be careful, because a lot of things you might think
are jokes are not jokes, so, you know, look out. – That was not a joke.
– That was not a real laugh. I hope you don’t mind I brought Wayne
along. – Who’s Wayne? – I’m Wayne. I just wanted to make sure he had
everything he needs for the big BuzzFeed cover story. BuzzFeed is a
website. There is no cover. Eh, “tomato,” “tomato.” It’s “tomato,”
“to-mah-to.” You say, “tomato,” “to-mah-to,” I say, “tomato,” “tomato.”
Oh, hey, Diane, I got you something. – Oh, plane tickets? – Yep, to San
Francisco. That’s where the Arbus exhibit is heading next. Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Peanutbutter. Gentlemen, dazzle me. What you’re about to see
is rough, very rough. It’s a vomit pass at what might become a rock
opera. Right now, it’s set mostly in space, but we’re not married to
that. Todd is neither a singer nor a trained musician. In fact, he never
even graduated high school, he told me in confidence. Keep all that in
mind as you give it up for Todd. Okay, so we start in 1887 with a young
Emma Goldman. No they couldn-n-n-n’t make u-u-u-us sla-a-a-a-a-aves – It
needs a third act showstopper. – I had the same note. But in all, it’s
spellbinding. – All right! – Whoo! You know, I run a small theater in
North Hollywood. We were supposed to mount a J.C. Superstar revival next
month, but of course, Andrew Lloyd Webber has to be a real hot penis
about everything. Oh, Andy. Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man
to fool me, and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life. Anyway, could
this show be ready to debut in six weeks? Six weeks? Uh, damn. Yeah, I
guess so. Marvelous! We’ll schedule an investor showcase posthaste. In
the meantime, libations! Ah! – Popping, what? – This is great. You know,
just when you think you have a person pegged, he can still find ways to
surprise you. Yeah, Todd really rose to the occasion, didn’t he? – I was
talking about you. – Ah, well, it was nothing. Maybe the Zoe has a
little Zelda in him after all. I appreciate the sentiment, but I still
think that game is stupid. Hey, BoJack, do you realize what this means?
I mean, if this thing’s a hit, I could finally move out. Oh, uh, you’re
gonna move out? You won’t have to yell, “Hey, Todd, clean up your shit!”
Or, “Todd, why haven’t you cleaned up your shit yet?” Or, “Todd, what
was the name of that guy from Perfect Strangers? Not Bronson Pinchot,
but the other one?” Good, that’s great. That’s great and good. So good,
so great. – Just great, and also good. – Mm-hmm. And as you can see,
progress has been swift. For tomorrow’s investor showcase, we’ll have
choreography and pyrotechnics for you. This is all just happening so
fast. I don’t I don’t think Todd is ready for this. Todd’s not ready or
you’re not ready? Don’t make this about me. I’ve seen what happens when
baby birds get pushed out of the nest too soon. It’s not your fault. I
right. In these heady times, what Todd needs is an agent. Ha! Ha! – I
just need you to deliver – Hoo! Ha! – That third act showstopper – Ha!
and then we’ll be fully financed! Todd can do it! Todd can do anything!
– Can I get your autograph? – Yeah, yeah, yeah. And another autograph,
and initial here, here, here, and here. – Right here? – And the last
four digits – of your social. – Okay. So I think the big third act
number Virgil wants – might be a big anthem that – Whoa, whoa, whoa,
buddy, buddy, I’m not gonna let you start on this until we stock up on
snacks and Red Bull. I do get snacky. You think of everything. ’Scuse
me, young man. Can you hand me that Ronnie Milsap cassingle – in the
10-cent bin? – Sure thing, lady. Oh, my God. Decapathon VII? This just
came out. – Todd, put it down. – Is this really only a dime? If it’s in
there, that’s the price. Todd, this is no time for a relapse. Look,
okay, I’ll buy it now, but I won’t play it till after I’ve written the
new song. Todd, this is a bad idea! – Whoa! – All sales are final. Okay,
let’s see here. I wonder if it still smells the same. I assure you, it
still smells like cheap plastic and child labor. Okay, here we go. Song
time. Or should I just play one game now, just to get the creative
juices flowing? We both know that if you play that game tonight, you’ll
never leave this couch! Ah, no, you’re right, of course. – Thank you. –
Good night. Come on, Decapathon, come on. Oh, come on, Decapathon. Oh.
Wake up! It’s the morning! Damn it, Todd, the investor showcase is in
half an hour. – Did you work on the song? – Huh? Pull yourself together,
man! Ugh! Why did the water have to come out of your mouth? Well, I’m
awfully sorry to have wasted your time. I don’t think our man is going
to show. Wait! Good God, what’s happened? He looks like he was up all
night playing some sort of videographic game. He’s in no condition to
debut a song. Give the kid a chance, Van Cleef. Loam, loam, loam And a
uh, little room to, uh, roam And on this planet It’s our home In space
Rock opera? More like “schlock flop-era.” Loam – Enough! – Clearly, Van
Cleef has shown a rare lapse in taste and judgment. I apologize for
wasting your time with this talentless imp. Hey, Van Cleef, Todd may not
be ready for the high-flying world of rock opera or the larger world
outside of my living room couch, but you know what? He’s a good friend.
I don’t see how that’s relevant. No, of course you don’t. Maybe Todd’s
worse off today, but you’re worse off in the long run, because you’re
gonna die alone and unloved, you pompous, affected asshole! Mon dieu!
Never have I ever! Hey, maybe don’t burn the bridge. – I could still beg
for a second chance. – Shut your mouth, Todd. And you shut yours, Van
Cleef, or I will buck it shut. Suck a dick, dumb shits! Oh, that damn
video game. No, it’s not the video game’s fault. I blew it. For a
second, I actually convinced myself I was more than just a worthless
screw-up. Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice. I
guess there’s a reason they don’t call it “the rock opera fun.” They
call it “the rock opera business.” Guess I won’t be needing this piece
of junk anymore. Hey, no. Hold on to that. Why don’t you just put it in
the living room closet? – Really? – In fact, from now on, you can keep
all your stuff in the living room closet. – Thanks, BoJack, for
everything. – This, I will get rid of. – What the – Don’t look at those!
– Those are private! – Are these the notes you’ve been taking on
Mr. Peanutbutter? It’s gibberish! Have you just been mashing keys this
whole time? It’s a it’s a work in progress. What’s really going on here?
Look, I’ve been following you two around for the last couple weeks, and
I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that you shouldn’t be with
Mr. Peanutbutter. – You should be with me. – No, I’ve dated you. Sure,
you’re smart and sophisticated and cool, but you’re also mean. What’s
your article on Mr. Peanutbutter called? The working title is, “Nine
Jokes From the ’90s We Haven’t Stopped Laughing at.” – I knew it! – Come
on! Like you’re not gonna tear BoJack apart in your book. I’m not
“tearing him apart.” I’m writing a nuanced portrait of a complicated
man. Well, then, we might be doing different things. Mr. Peanutbutter is
nice to me! He’s kind and he’s generous and he’s loyal. You know what
your problem is? You’re trying to be a Zelda but you’re so obviously a
Zoe. Don’t label me. You don’t know who I am. You can live your happy
Zelda life in this happy Zelda town and pretend you’re a happy Zelda,
but I know you, and this isn’t you. People don’t change, Diane, not
really. Mr. Peanutbutter’s a Zelda. He’s happy and he’s carefree and
he’s loving, but you and me, we’re Zoes. Yeah, I bought this earlier,
and I’d like to return it. I don’t know where the receipt went. I
remember you. You came in yesterday. No problem. We’re Zoes, Diane.
We’re cynical and we’re sad and we’re mean. Thanks for your help,
character actress Margo Martindale. I don’t feel good about what we did
here, BoJack. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This never
happened. There’s a darkness inside you, and you can bury it deep in
burritos as big as your head, but someday soon, that darkness is gonna
come out, and when it does, I want you to call me. I like that guy. Back
in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – # I’m BoJack the horse #
– # BoJack # BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m
trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna
last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse
than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus raptor. Na
na na na na na na na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 5 Live Fast, Diane Nguyen 1×05 – “Live Fast, Diane Nguyen” Come on! Oh, is
it this guy? Never travel without it. Stop holding up the line, idiot!
It’s not his fault. He’s just doing his job. It’s your fault, dummy. I’m
sorry, sir, no liquid over three ounces. This is Pappy Van Winkle,
friend. Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person, I
would’ve stopped having sex with it a year ago. – I’m sorry, sir. – Do
you know who I am? Come on. I’m actually a huge celebrity on my way to
New York for an important meeting with a book publisher, who wants to
publish a book about me because I am famous. – That’s not – Fine, you
want me to dance? I’ll dance. Give me ten seconds, Diane. This guy’s
being a total fascist. Diane? – Diane? – Over here, BoJack. How’d you
get through so fast? I followed the basic requirements for air travel
that have been in place for over a decade. – Ugh, weird. – Sir, whoever
you are, please Really? You’ve never heard of my TV show? You know very
well who I am. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to New York. Ah,
no. – More? – Come on! Oh, you know what? Could be this. Oh, my God,
he’s got a gun. Relax, it’s a lighter. How much lighter fluid can I take
on the plane? And before you answer, remember, I’m a celebrity. We’re
gonna need a full body cavity search. Thanks for coming to New York for
this. Let’s just say, it’s better for everyone’s kneecaps if I stay out
of California for a little bit. Always nice to get a change of scenery,
am I right? I think the New York air’s been good for my health. I mean,
I did find a lump, but hey, who needs health insurance when you’ve got
BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh? How’s it coming along? It’s great.
I’m pumping out heartfelt anecdotes and witty observations left and
right, and this one is spinning it all into gold. Your telephone is
ringing. I’m Ira Glass. Thank you for being a sustaining member of
public radio. Everyone has a story, and your phone’s story is that it’s
ringing. – Excuse me. Hello? – Hurry back, superstar. I don’t think
Diane’s working out. – What? Why? Is Diane no good? – She’s too good. I
don’t know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story. She’s so
functional. Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Horseman, she’s too functional. Why
don’t I just get on the phone and call a less functional What are you
talking about? – This is a very bad time, BoJack! – All right. You need
to promise me that your book will be on the shelves and making money by
October! All right. Jesus. Uh-huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Got it. Sorry I took
so long. Who was that? The library? Thanking you for never returning a
book late? That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died. Oh, my God. Did
we talk about firming up the release date? – I was thinking late
September. – I am so sorry. It’s fine, he was old and also the worst.
Such a terrible tragedy really puts everything in perspective. Where
does that leave us as far as the book of it all? Not a problem. I just
got to swing by Boston and give my condolences real quick. BoJack can
come with me. We’ll get some work done while we’re there, and then that
way the whole trip won’t be a total waste of time. Great. Call me if you
need anything, but hang up after one ring, and I’ll call you back from
the phone booth where my wife and I are living. Todd bless these
scrambled eggs Eggs from the fridge Sunny side them And guide them Todd,
stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song. Who said that? If you’re
wondering who said that, it’s this note that you’re reading. You’re
yeah. As you might’ve noticed, Todd, I’ve left you home alone for the
day, and frankly, I already regret that decision. Here’s what you need
to do. Nothing. Don’t touch my stuff, and don’t make a mess. Pick me up
at the airport tomorrow, and until then, don’t do anything. Well, seal’s
broken. Might as well enjoy myself. Whee! Cheers to bath time. Great
story, Todd. I love our friendship. Here we go! The great Toddini! And
here we have the home of a truly dynamic and unique talent, TV’s own
David Boreanaz. Ohh! Sounds like we have some fans of Person of Interest
on board, or Castle, or whatever his show is. Sorry, dudes, you got the
wrong house. Aww. Crikey, I would’ve paid $50 U.S. to see where David Boreanaz lives. He’s the American Hugh Jackman. – Oh, yeah, 50 bucks? – He’s so good in Burn Notice. What? 50 bucks? In that case, come on in, friends. Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here. Hooray! Hey, so listen, I really want to be here for you in your time of need, but I’m not really good with funerals or death or families or feelings or people. Don’t worry. You can wait in the car. It’s probably better you don’t meet my brothers. They’re narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags. I wish I had brothers growing up. Touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg. Life as an only child can get pretty lonely. Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend? Imaginary friends are freeloaders invented by communists to rip-off welfare. Why don’t you do something productive, like bang your head against the wall until your brain isn’t so stupid? Okay, Daddy. Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely, too. My family made my life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving. So, what, you’re like the black sheep? No, Gary’s the black sheep. He’s adopted. I’m just the member of the family nobody likes. And my dad was the worst of them all. You told me that you and your father used to sit on the roof and look at the stars together. Oh, yeah, I was just trying to get you to open up, so I used an old writer’s trick called “me lying to you.” Oh, yeah? Well, I’m using an old me trick called “that hurts my feelings.” And the truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair. – You do have great hair. – I know. That’s us. I’ll just pop in for a quick hi and bye. Then we’ll be on our way. Ten minutes, swear to God. You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at the airport. What? A kaleidoscope? I’m not five Shapes and colors the likes of which I’ve never seen. Hello. Hey, yeah, Deedee came home! Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee’s back! Come here! Game. Watching the game. Can’t look up from the game. How you doing? Marty, it’s a game from ‘86. You’ve seen it a hundred times. And how many times does Buckner break your heart? 100 times. Aw, thank God you’re here, Deedee. Pops is wicked departed. Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard. And I do not like them apples, Deedee. Yo, Deedee, get me a beer. Yeah, make that two, Deedee. Gary, Marty, I just got home. Ooh, Princess Diane doesn’t want to get her brother a beer. Hey, Ma, come look what the Pats dragged in. Oh, hello! Look who decided to come home. Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence. To what do I owe the honor? Look, I’m just here to offer my condolences. Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas. Why would you want to stick around, be with your family in their time of need? – Come on, Ma. – Don’t fight while the game’s on. – It’s bad Juju. – It’s the ’86 World Series. – They lose. – Ah, why’d you have to Oh, we’re just a bunch of savages, right? We’re not like your fancy California friends. Your George Clooney and your California Raisins. Oh, come off it, Ma. She don’t mean no harm. For five years she didn’t come home. Why don’t you make like A-Rod and blow. Well, this was clearly a huge mistake. Ah, don’t go. Deedee, please. Why not? Ma doesn’t want me here. Ma don’t know what she wants. She wants you here. We all do. Ain’t that right, Marty? Can’t look up from the game. Besides, we need your help organizing all the funeral stuff. We didn’t go to college. We’re not smart like you. Fine, I’ll help. Is there a number for me to call? Yeah, try Jeez, do some legwork, Dee. And do it quick. The ice is melting. Oh, my God. Is that dad? Did someone draw balls on his forehead? That was before we knew he was dead. We just thought he was wicked hung over. In your face, Dad! In your face forever. Welcome to the home of David Boreanaz, famous from television shows such as dramas on networks. That will be$50 please. Oy, mate, this picture of David
Boreanaz fell apart. Oh, no, no, no, I’ll handle that. Why don’t you
just go look through David Boreanaz’s underwear drawer, okay? – It’s in
his bedroom. – Oh, knickers. Hey, what do you think you’re doing? Uh-oh,
trusted you to take care of his house. Is this really What are you
doing? Dun-dun-dun-dun Dun-dun-dun It’s a great day on Todd’s phone. How
can I help you? Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz
deal? I’m your agent, damn it. How’d you find out about Boreanaz House?
Don’t worry, I’m not just gonna sit here batting a ball of yarn around
while you do the real work. I want to take your project to the next
level. We need to go bigger. Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis
to this thing? – Attach her? How? – You do your job. I’ll do mine. Who
is this? Ah, out of combinations. Now I’m bored. Diaaaaane! – You show
me nothing – What do you want from me? You have no right to barge in
here after five years – and judge us, Diane. – I’m just saying Marty
could lend a hand instead of sitting on the couch watching the game all
day. – Ah, Deedee. – You know very well his leg’s still sore from the
accident at the quarry. Yeah, he’s got to rest up if he’s gonna be a
wide receiver for B.C. He didn’t get into B.C. Ah, what’s the point of
getting off the couch anyway? All the jobs are going to immigrants these
days. What do you We’re immigrants. – How do you figure? – We’re
Vietnamese? Step off! We’re American as fuck. And that’s the same crap
you always pull What do you want from me? Come on! Excuse me. Yes,
hello, I’m looking for Diane. Does anyone here speak English? Pull over
and park the car. Is that the frickin’ horse from Horsin’ Around? Again,
does anyone here speak English? – Oh, no way – What? A TV star! Boreanaz
house. Seventy-five each. Children and seniors free. Please stay behind
the ropes and keep your hands and belongings on your person at all
times. Next we’ll head to the kitchen where Is that Mila Kunis? Ooh!
Note the letters B.H. on all hand towels and linens. That stands for
“Boreanaz House.” Yeah, do you pick up bodies? Is that a service you
provide? Corpse removal? Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston
celebrities? Well, one time at Bristol Farms, Ben Affleck and I did
reach for the same bunch of grapes. Oh, he eats grapes just like us?
Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes! He don’t eat grapes! BoJack said he
fed Affleck grapes. He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself. –
This is the greatest day of my life. – Oh! Hey, I don’t suppose you boys
would have any interest in maybe playing some touch football later? Are
you kidding? Touch football with a star like you? That would be mad
wicked pisser. Ooh, you know what else we got to do? We got to watch the
Cryane video. Ooh, that sounds good. What’s that? – No, we don’t need to
revisit that. – When Deedee was 16, we made up a secret pen pal for her
named Leo. Guys, I really would rather not discuss it. We all took turns
writing her letters, pretending to be this sensitive boy from Cambridge.
It was wicked messed up. “Oh, Diane, we’re two misunderstood souls.
Everyone else is a phony. Yours forever, Leo.” – What? That is amazing.
– After six months of letters, we hired a homeless guy to pretend to be
Leo and take her to the homecoming dance. – Look at her. – Watch, watch
this part. I like your boutonniÃÂ¨re. Why don’t we watch this every
day? – Look at her face. – Now that’s a good prank. – I was humiliated.
– Yeah, you wouldn’t get it. It’s a brothers thing, right, brothers?
Whoo! That’s Cryane for you. What a pussy. You know, it’s nice that
same thing. I’m gonna go meet with the funeral director. Any of you boys
want to come? Nah, I ain’t so big on funeral homes, Deedee. All them
dead bodies, they give me the jeebies. Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to
go? Fine, none of you have to go. I’ll take care of everything. Thank
you, Diane. We all really appreciate it. – Come on, BoJack. – Why you
got to take BoJack with you?! Boo! – Boo! – Boys, you have stolen my
heart like Dave Roberts stole second base. Hey! He knows our things! I
must go now, but I’ll see you all at the funeral, okay? And when I do,
you’re all getting noogies. – Funeral! – Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Funeral!
Funeral! Funeral! And now, a very special treat just for our platinum
members. Let’s take a peek at the slumbering Mr. Boreanaz himself. Get
out of my room, Todd! I’m David Boreanaz. Ohh! And thus concludes our
tour. Have a Boreanderful day. Tell me about your father. Well, he was a
mean, sadistic alcoholic, who never supported anything I did and
actively delighted in seeing me fail. Hmm, I see. Sounds like you’re
looking for our Piece of Shit Dad Package. That would be too good for my
father. Hmm, I see. Might I then suggest our Piece of Shit Dad Package
Would Be Too Good For Him Package. – Yeah, that’s the one. – Excellent
choice. Hey, can I suggest something? You might want to loosen up a
little. I think you could actually learn a thing or two – from your
brothers. – Are you kidding? If I was like my brothers, nothing would
ever get done. I’m just saying, if you can’t find a way to let off some
steam you’re going to explode. God damn it! Are you god damn kidding me?
I keep getting calls from this unlisted number. Ignore. Who are these
assholes? Why don’t you just answer, and then you’ll know? Oh, they’d
just love that, wouldn’t they? Ugh, how are we supposed to blackmail him
if we can’t reach him? Maybe we got to get him where he lives? – You
mean ? – That’s right, his house. What the Whose house is this? Is that
David Boreanaz? I could’ve sworn BoJack Horseman lived here. Hey, let’s
keep these lines moving, huh? You want to stop and chat, you gotta pay
for the extended stay ticket. Ah, so much, so much, so much. Another
five Gs, T-Bag, and we are in the pink. I don’t know, Princess Carolyn.
I ran out of shoeboxes for the money, and the books aren’t adding up.
Plus the men’s lav needs to be serviced, and I had to fire Janine in the
gift shop for stealing Boreabble heads. I mean, how did I end up with
all this responsibility? Hey, I’m not screwing around here, small fry. –
You better make those numbers sing. – I don’t think these offshore banks
we’ve been using are 100% legal. Yeah, well, my mother told me never to
slap an idiot. What? Ow! Now we’re both breaking the rules. You listen,
and you listen good. I’ve gotten used to a certain lifestyle since
Boreanaz House went public, and I’m not going back to the old way. Mommy
likes her shoes, see? And her pearls. Oh, I’m in too deep. I don’t know
what to do. I’ll tell you what you should do. Who said that? It’s me,
David Boreanaz. Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like? Uh, sure. Let
me give you some advice. As we say on my show I want to say, New Girl?
just keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll be fine. Wow, thanks,
Davie B. Never call me that! – Unbelievable. – It’s 4:00. I don’t think
was show up, and they couldn’t even do that! Where’s the body even? Beg
your pardon, minor hiccup. My goons went to pick your father up, but
nobody was home. For a nominal fee, we can scrounge up another body for
you. Would you care to peruse our loaner closet? Hey, assholes! Where
were you? I planned the whole funeral, like you asked me to, – and
nobody showed. – Yeah, we realized dad wouldn’t have wanted some stuffy
funeral. He would’ve wanted his body to be chopped up into chum – and
thrown in Derek Jeter’s fat face. – Yeah, suck it, Jeter! Wait, what?
Where is Dad? We got him chummed. He’s in the truck. – You chummed Dad?
– It’s what your father wanted, honey, but then you wouldn’t know
anything about that, would you? Let me get this straight. So instead of
coming to the funeral that I paid for and spent all day organizing, you
had Dad’s body ground into chum, so you could throw his mushy remains on
Derek Jeter? No, not just on Derek Jeter. We’re gonna throw it into his
fat face. – Yeah, his fat face. – In his fat face. The Yankees are in
town this week. The planets are aligning, Deedee. Tommy, you begged me
to stay and help. Why does everything always got to be about big-shot
Diane? – Too good for her home. – I don’t think I’m too good for my
home. Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong. Diane isn’t a big-shot. She’s my
ghostwriter. She’s writing a book that’s not even gonna have her name on
it. You think this is how she expected her life would be going at 34?
She lives with her rich boyfriend and doesn’t pay rent. She’s not too
good for anything. – What? – Diane’s a freeloader? – Even I pay rent. –
BoJack helping? Whoa. This is why I told you to wait in the car! Oh, she
snapped. Here comes Cryane. Hey, hey, Deedee, come on. Diane, you are
making a public spectacle of yourself. Deedee, what are you doing with
is in the back. No! No, no, no! Suck a dick, dumb shits! Well, that
crazy clam did it. She took Pops. Oh, no, what are we gonna do? And it’s
a one-hopper back to the pitcher. Easy out at first. So what we’re gonna
do is nothing? Sox are on, and I haven’t seen this one. Does anyone know
where she might have gone? Ah, she used to run off like this all the
time in high school, too. Who knows where crazy goes? I think I know
where she went. Wait, you can’t leave. The party’s just getting started.
I don’t know, Diane was pretty upset, – and she’s got your dad. – Oh,
don’t go, BoJack. You’re like the fifth brother I never had. – I Really?
– Yeah, don’t leave, bro. After this, we’ll go play touch football and
do a noogie parade. Ah, um Everyone please disperse. This is an unlawful
gathering. Disperse immediately. Oh, this isn’t looking good, Princess
Carolyn. – What are we gonna do? – What do you mean, we? Princess
Carolyn always lands on her feet. Ha! Mr. Boreanaz, I presume. Um, would
you like a Boreabble head? The amazing thing is, the house looks just
like BoJack’s house. They must have the same architect. Anyway, how are
things with you? Not good. I should’ve known it was a waste of time to
come back here. Oh, that’s awful. Well, when you get back, I’ll give you
one of my patented Peanutbutter hugs. Crunchy and creamy. You know that
patent wasn’t approved, but I’ll take it. – I have to go. BoJack’s here.
– BoJack, well, what’s he doing ? Hey. Sorry I said all that stuff about
you. It’s all true, isn’t it? I found this letter back at the bar. I
think it’s for you. Look, just read it. I think you’ll like it. “Dear
Diane, it’s me, your old pen pal Leo. This definitely isn’t BoJack
Horseman writing this.” Keep reading. “You’re a good person, Diane, and
that’s the most important thing. Even if no one appreciates you, it’s
important that you don’t stop being good. I like how you always bring
your own bags to the grocery store, and how you’re always organized to
go places. I like how you chew gum on the airplane so your ears will
pop. A lot of people might not appreciate that about you, but I do.
Yours forever, Leo.” That’s the best letter he ever wrote me. Look, take
it from someone with his own shitty parents, family is a sinkhole, and
you were right to get out when you had the chance. The stupid thing is,
even now I still just want them to be proud of me and think I did good.
Is that really stupid? – Yep. – No, it isn’t. Yeah, it is. You want
those guys to be proud of you? I guess I was just hoping to get some
modicum of closure. Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to
sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn’t
exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living
forward. Yeah, but every time I come back here they So don’t come back
here. What’s great about Los Angeles is nobody cares about where you’re
from or who you are. It’s a superficial town where you can worry about
stupid shit like keeping your pool clean, and what artisanal nuts to put
on your salad. – I do like salad. – Oh, it’s the best. – Why do you
think people keep moving there? – Thanks, BoJack. The good news is, your
dad can’t hurt anyone ever again. Uh-oh. Gonna spend the day Over at
Fenway Thank you so much, Derek Jeter. I thought a big baseball hotshot
like you would be too busy to help us old ladies across the street. I
always have time to look out for my elders, Yankee fan or no. Is that a
barrel of chum? Only at Fenway Ba-dum, ba-da-dum Um, I’ll meet you
inside. I have to make a call. Okay. It’s Herb. You know what to do.
Hey, Herb, look, I think we have some unfinished business. It seems like
life’s too short to hold grudges and stuff like that, you know what I’m
saying? About life being too short? Well, of course you know what I’m
saying. You’re the one with terminal I feel like I’m doing all the
talking here. So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat. Why don’t you
give me a call, okay? Um so smell you later? This is BoJack. Horseman.
Obviously. Ugh, who keeps calling me? Come on, BoJack. Pick up, pick up.
I’m sure he’ll pick up. It’s BoJack. You know what to do. Back in the
’90s I was in a very famous TV show – # I’m BoJack the horse # – #
BoJack # BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying
to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I
guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a
man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus raptor. Na na na na
na na na na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
1 6 Our A-Story Is a ‘D’ Story – Huh? – Oh, uh, it’s a pet name. I don’t
have actual honey. Diane! Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Mwah. BoJack Horseman!
– Put her there! – That’s all right. I’m gonna get that handshake. No,
you’re not. Since when am I Honey? Since now. I made up the nickname
while you were back east. Yeah, really? You made up calling someone
honey? Uh, I do believe so. Yes. Hey, why don’t we give BoJack a ride?
That’s okay. Todd’s supposed to pick me up. Where is he? First day, huh?
Well, stick with me. You’re gonna be just fi Probably just forgot, the
lazy bum. Hey, I’ll take the ride as long as it’s not as bumpy as that
pilot’s landing. That was seriously very scary. – Hey – I’m just glad
you were there, because I really would have freaked out by myself. Be
stiller, my beating heart. Stiller crazy after all these years. Did I
miss something funny? – I love funny somethings. – No, we were just
best. – What did it say? – You wouldn’t get it. Either you read
Hemisphere’s Magazine, or you don’t. Hey, I might be crazy, because this
is such a dumb question, and I’m embarrassed to even ask, but do I have
anything to worry about with you and Diane? What? What? Get out of here.
I got to say, BoJack, that is a relief. Ho-ho! Whoo! Hey, do you guys
want to grab dinner? Or at least some road sodas, so I don’t have to go
through the ordeal of sobering up and then having to get drunk all over
again? Oh, I actually already made special plans for just the two of us.
Oh, come on. You’re the one who’s always saying you want to hang out
with BoJack more, and how it’s weird that BoJack never returns your
calls, and how I should hang up the phone because maybe BoJack’s trying
to call you right now. Uh, okay. I guess we can make this work. Oh. Oh,
man. Remember that guy in 34-B? Do I? Can’t stop remembering him. Uh,
hey. Diane and I have memories, too. This place reminds me of a cliff
side meal we had one romantic vacay to Cabo. Boring. I wasn’t there. Can
we keep this general interests? Well, here’s to a meal we’re all here
for. Mmm. Oh, oh. Ew. There’s something in my food. Ah, crap. Someone
get the manager. No, no, no. Wait. It’s supposed to be in there. Welcome
home, honey. I got you a D pendant, because I am D-pendant on you. –
Thank you. – Yeah. Real Real cute. – A D for dog. – It’s for Diane. This
is the sweetest choking hazard anyone’s ever given me. Mwah. Well, how
about some champagne for the happy couple. Waiter, get me a bottle of
Dom to keep with the trend of sweet D gifts. You’re too kind, but
everyone knows you go off menu for the good stuff. Yes, get me your most
expensive bottle from the back. Perhaps a 1922-ISH Heidsieck Diamant
Bleu? A toast on me to Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter. I’d like a round of
drinks for everyone. Off the menu, of course. BoJack, folks. What a
sport. And while we’re all in giving moods, I’d like to buy you all an
Xbox, courtesy of me. Wow. You guys don’t have to do this. Look, I could
happily go down this petty road of raising and re-raising one another.
Mr. Peanutbutter’s ripping off my toast the same way he ripped off my
entire career. Uh, we prefer gifts over observations. Okay. Well, here’s
something I didn’t rip off. This brand new helicopter I just bought.
Whoo-whoo! Who wants a ride in the chopper? Okay, guys. This has been
fun, and also an offensive display of extravagant wealth, but maybe we
should call it a night. What’s the rush? Because I just bought the
restaurant, and we can stay as long as we want. Hey, you. I own you now.
Do a dance. Oops. Oh, no. Hey, sorry, bud. – It’s all yours. – Please,
you first. Apparently, we both like to be clean. I love being clean.
That’s so coincidental. – I’m Todd. – Klaus. Look, I know you’re new
here, being white, into cleansing. I think you’d enjoy hanging out with
me and the gang. When you say “the gang,” do you mean a gang? Check this
out. If you want to lift weights, we got great yard connections. If you
like toilet wine, we spent the past 20 years perfecting pruno. The Aryan
nation is number one for a reason. Never thought I’d say this, but you
put a pretty good spin on Nazis. Hey, tell you what. Drop by our party
tomorrow. Shoot the shit with the guys, mostly about Jews, and make up
your own mind. Until then, take my card. Whoa. Uh, where were you
keeping that card? Forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven Guys, can we give
this thing a rest? Rest? Why rest? I’m not tired. I’m twice as not
tired. _ Or D, sex and candy? BoJack! Todd, where the hell have you
been? I had to carpool home from the airport like a goddamn
environmentalist. I’m sorry, but I’m in jail, dude. Well, you called the
right person, because I need your help and you’re my phone-a-friend.
Marie Curie won Nobel prizes in which two sciences? A, chemistry and
physics. – B, biology and physics – Oh, B! The answer’s B! – It’s A! –
Damn it, Todd! This was life or death. Same with me. The bail’s set at
50 bucks. I’ll be here wai Yes! I am the champion of the games! Did you
see that, Diane? Diane? You win, old friend. Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’m going to take my girlfriend to bed. We’re still out? Night, BoJack.
Good night, Diane. Give me a bottle of something to help me forget my
problems. Ooh, maybe not that strong. What is this, breakfast? Yeah,
that’s about right. Well, that worked effectively. It’s a
Holly-who-done-it as police are scrambling to figure out who stole the D
from the famed Hollywood sign. – Holly-what? – All of Tinseltown’s at
DEFCON 5 until their diabolically displaced D is demonstrably displayed
once more. Can we cool it with the alliteration? Who wrote this copy?
Randy, looking at you. Weird. Weirder. Why the hell would I steal a
giant D? Ding-dong! It’s Diane. D D Damn! Meanwhile, local authorities
are already investigating several suspects. David Duchovny, Dick Van
Dyke, DMX, and of course Dane Cook, who we all know is a thief. Hey,
D-voted memoirist. I can’t work on the book today. Too ill. Cough. Are
you ill, or hung-over? Because instead of coughing you just said the
word cough. Plus you left me a long, drunken voice-mail last night. Ooh,
was it bad? It was mostly a lot of wheezing, as if you were climbing
something, followed by the sounds of dismantling metal, and then
grunting like you were dragging something heavy at least a few miles. I
didn’t say anything incriminating, did I? As incriminating as that
question? No. Good. Well, just as a general rule, you probably shouldn’t
be listening to any voicemails I leave after – What time do I start
drinking? – Noon? – Yup. See you later. – But we had an appointment.
What’s that? An actor flaking on an obligation? – Welcome to Hollywood.
– I think you mean Hollywoo. Did you see? Someone stole the D off the
sign. Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough. Cough, cough, cough, cough,
door slam. What is it, BoJack? You know, I’m tied up with all my Deans
today. Kane, Norris, Winters, and Koontz, all being questioned by
police. It was me. I stole the D. – What? – Now be a good agent and make
this not my problem. How did you even? You know, your scandal-to-work
ratio is, like, five to one. Look, I need to get rid of this before
Diane sees it. Why do you care if Dia Oh, fish. Are you in love with
your biographer? What? What? Get out of here. You stole the D for Diane.
Unbelievable. Yeah, I don’t know. The D might be for David, because
apparently when I was drunk, I printed out a bunch of pictures of David
Boreanaz. Yeah. You did that. Look, I’ll keep your little crush busy
long enough for you to get rid of the contraband, but the next three
weddings I’m invited to, you’re my date, dummy. Since when to women your
age get invited to weddings? I have a lot of nieces and nephews! Well,
you pulled it off, you deviant. Get it? D-viant? – I got it. – Tell me,
fence from Dodger’s Stadium? No. How’d you figure out it was me? Oh, how
did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction,
puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh,
I listened to the voice-mail you left me saying you were stealing the D
because of Diane so I could, and I quote, “Suck your D.” Stop leaving
voicemails! Admit it! You like my girlfriend. Oh, come on. I mean, am I
attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I’m around her?
Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I
fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind
of guy who would try to steal someone else’s girlfriend? Sure, of
course, but do I like her? The answer’s no. You have nothing to worry
about. I’ll cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never
talk to Diane again. Well, I have to talk to her, because she’s writing
my book. Okay, but just don’t pursue her romantically? – Deal. – Ha! – I
knew I’d get that handshake. – I regret this already. Spread them wide,
ladies. This is a random cavity search. Whoa! Buy a guy a drink first.
Did we just say that – Oh! – At the same time? Look, I saw you talking
to Klaus in the shower. Now, the Aryan’s are good guys. Don’t get me
wrong. But I don’t know if you’re gonna get the right attention over
there. Uh, I’d hate to get lost in a shop that big. Now we can’t offer
you the works, but in the Latin Kings, you’ll be a star. We’re number
two, and that means we try harder. Am I really being courted by two
gangs? Oh, I feel like the belle of the ball. So, this is the shapeless
biographer I’ve heard so much about. We’ve met several times. Did you
just call me here to insult me? What is your secret, lady? I mean, how
do you get two grown men fighting over you like a foul ball at a
football game? First of all, football doesn’t have foul balls. Ugh,
sports. Second of all, nobody’s fighting over me. Open your eyes.
BoJack’s clearly in love with you. Wha? Get out of here! Get out of
here? Why would I get out of here? You get out of here. This is my
office. I get the army men are police, but what’s the mustard packet
again? Oh, that’s just a mustard packet. – It’s left over from lunch. –
Oh. Well, can we move it off the table? No. I still might want it later.
Good call. So how do we get the D from here all the way up to here?
What, with all these cops and mustards, – it’s gonna be a pickle. – Oh,
no. The pickle’s a SWAT van, but I see your point. Might be easier to
just ditch the evidence. But how? I I don’t know. You think these
coffees would get the juices flowing. Well, they do have Bailey’s in
them. Is that why I feel drunk? Because I’ve had, like, seven or eight
coffees. I mean, I admit, it’s been bad for ideas, but it’s been great
for camaraderie. Couldn’t agree more. Ooh, hey. What time is it? I
probably need to move my helicopter. It’s in a two-hour zone. You
beautiful bastard, that’s it! We can pick up the D with your chopper,
fly it out of here, and then dump it out into the ocean. Stupendous!
Take that, the ocean. – What now, Todd? – Listen. So, kind of landed
myself in a two-dates-to-the-prom situation. The dates being prison
gangs and the prom being a jump-in, so do you remember how you got out
of the same jam on Horsin’ Around? Ah, a classic conundrum. Well, I
recall one time on Mr. Peanutbutter’s House I think he’s talking to me,
pal. You know, the guy whose show invented the two-dates-to-the-prom
story. You may have invented it, but I think our show perfected it. The
only thing you ever perfected – was stealing my thunder. – Stealing your
thunder, eh? Now you’re even stealing the words I’m saying. You know,
it’s tough. I agree with the Latin Kings on social issues, but fiscally
I’m more of an Aryan. Well, juggling both never ends well.
Mr. Peanutbutter, anything to contribute? He’s just staring blankly now.
Stealing your thunder. You could also just bail me out of here, as I
said. – It’s only 50 bucks – Got to go, pal. Hope it’s a magical night.
All right, you ready for the plan? Oh, yeah. But we are gonna need a big
distraction to keep the eyes off the skies. You leave that to me. Whoa,
wait. You had a lot to drink. You better have a cup of coffee. Who loves
you, people? Look this way, news media. A celebrity is throwing away his
hard-earned cash. Everyone pay attention to me. Oh, it’s only one-dollar
bills, folks. Don’t bother. No, it’s still free, spendable money. This
is a huge story. Dollars are like the new penny. Yeah. Cash is for poor
people. What is wrong with you bozos? Just riot over the damn money
already. Well, nothing to see here, I guess. Ooh, ooh Whoa! Jesus
Christ, my ankle Oh, my God. American singer-songwriter BeyoncÃ© is
hurt. Somebody help her! Ring the alarm. Irreplaceable pop icon and
independent woman BeyoncÃ© has been injured. What more can you give us?
Details are sketchy at this point, but we do know BeyoncÃ© is a
survivor, and presumably she will keep on surviving. – But what
happened? – Well, Tom, I’m being told she fell on all the single
dollars. – All the single dollars? – All the single dollars. All the
single dollars? – All the single dollars. – Bills, bills, bills. We
promise to provide live, unflinching coverage of this harrowing ordeal
of a star gone from dangerously in love to dangerously in peril. Don’t
stop watching. Mr. Peanutbutter, take her home. Doctors have confirmed
that BeyoncÃ© will never perform again. This just in. A break in the
story of the Hollywoo heist. We now go live to the house of
Mr. Peanutbutter, star of Mr. Peanutbutter’s House. Ah, jeez. What did
that idiot do? Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I, and I alone, stole
the D from the Hollywoo sign. Just tell us, why’d you do it? Oh, I’ll
tell you why. I did it all for my girlfriend, Diane. Aww. Son of a
bitch. That literal son of a bitch. If you’re joining us,
Mr. Peanutbutter has confessed to stealing the D for his girlfriend
Diane in what many are calling the most romantic gesture in the history
of romance and gestures. We now await the L.A.P.D.’s move. The day they
make love a crime is the day I turn in my badge. And here’s our lady of
the hour now, Diane. Diane! What do you think? Wow, Mr. Peanutbutter,
uh, it’s kind of a lot. I don’t really like to be on camera. And? Do you
love anything or anyone? I got to go. We’ll talk about it later. Ooh Oh,
my Todd. You look You look beautiful, holmes. What? This old thing? The
guards made me wear it. Yeah, well, it suits you. You’re an autumn, bro.
Ahh. It’s good, right? Oh. Come meet my boy, Santiago. Uh, you know,
I’ll I’ll be right back. I I left my cot unmade. Ooh, watch it. Oh,
sorry I’m late. Hope you didn’t think I was pulling an Anne Frank on
you. Good one. Can you believe it? I was double-crossed by the one man I
assumed was too stupid to even single-cross. What? I have no idea what
you’re talking about. I do have a life outside of you, you know.
Mr. Peanutbutter took my D and gave it to Diane. Once again, he
completely ripped me off. Oh, right. That whole thing. Just a minute,
Cate. Look, you may have come up with a log line, but he’s the one who
sold the pitch. This is more on brand for him than it is for you. – What
do you mean? – Desecrated a major landmark in a drunken stupor, that’s a
BoJack Horseman thing. But stealing it for your girlfriend as a grand
display of affection? That’s Mr. Peanutbutter. You’re right. It’s
Mr. Peanutbutter all over. It’s the kind of bold, romantic gesture they
base movies on. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Lora? Check if anyone’s
bought the rights yet. Can we keep this about me, please? Even if he
stole your stealing of the D, what he made his was telling Diane how he
felt from his heart. You could never say it to me, and you still can’t
say it to her. That’s not true. I can express feelings. Nothing on the
outside. Nothing on the inside. Look, I got to bounce. Quick question,
though. Would you see Cate Blanchett in a movie about Eva Braun? Why are
you wasting my time with this? – Of course I would. Who wouldn’t? – Huh.
And that’s why Eva Braun was like the fifth Beatle of the Third Reich.
Wow. I never knew neo-Nazis were so interested in Nazis. You got some
great moves, Todd. You dance like a white man, and I love it. Hey, no
disrespect, but I got a few chess pieces I forgot need whittling. Oh,
excuse me. Oh, thank God you’re back. I was getting nervous that you
left me for another gang. If that happened, I’d have to kill you. Thank
you for rescheduling given your recent, uh, everything. Yeah. That was
really something. I guess he makes your heart stand Stiller? Yeah, but
for some reason the jury’s Stiller out on how I feel about it. Well,
that’s because it wasn’t for you. That wasn’t a Diane thing. It was a
Mr. Peanutbutter thing. Well, what would be a Diane thing? A Diane thing
would be something that shows he really knows you, like giving you an
or surprising you with a bound album of photos and emails he saved.
That’s That’s what the Diane I know would want. What are you saying to
me? Just that you should be with someone who knows you. Yeah? Like who?
I Whoa, were we Were we taping? Um, okay. Uh, you want to hear my Andy
Dick story? It’s a doozie. All we ask for is 10% of anything pilfered.
Drugs, cigarettes. I mean, that’s the standard gang rate. Hey, I got to
go, uh, do a prison thing. That sounds legitimate. We are in prison,
after all. Whew. Hey. White people, right? Todd? Why in the name of Pat
Buchanan are you dressed like a Latin King? – Uh, what – What the hell,
bro? – Are you playing both sides? – Look, guys, I didn’t want to choose
between you because I like you both. Look, in fact, if you just took the
time to get to know each other the way you did me, I think you’d agree
we don’t need gangs anymore because, deep down, we’re all just people.
What do you say? This just in. A standoff at the Super Max has turned
into a full-on race war. But first, America has fallen in love with
Hollywoo it-couple, Mr. Peanutbutter and Diane Diane? Is that you? Hey.
It’s, um, me. Look, uh, things got a bit weird earlier, so I I want to
make sure that we’re still on for tomorrow to talk about the time I
sneezed on Marisa Tomei. I’m really sorry about before. I know the D was
overkill, so I got you something more personal. Aww. I also wanted to
just, um, let you know how much I appreciate you working on this book
with me. I know I sometimes get carried away, but it’s because I love
you so much. You’re a catch, Diane, and I think you know how much I love
catch. And I’m sorry if I’ve been difficult in any way during this
process. You know, it’s It’s really hard to have somebody, I don’t know,
know you, I guess. And you do, uh, know me, Diane. We’re very different,
but I think we bring out the best in each other. It’s like you’re
chocolate and I’m – Peanutbutter? – What? Now see? That was so much
better than what I was gonna say. I was gonna say carrots. And I know
I’m not the perfect guy. I actually kind of hate myself a lot of the
time. But when When I’m with you, I, uh, don’t hate myself. I like being
around you, and I don’t know if I ever told you that in so many words,
so I’m telling you. Diane, I’ve got an important question to ask. No
cameras, no big spectacle. Just me and you. Call me back. This was
BoJack, by the way. Horseman, obviously. Will you do the honor Of
becoming Mrs. Peanutbutter? Wow. This is happening so fast. Yes. I’ll
marry you. But I’m keeping my last name. You hear that? She said yes!
Let’s kick it! Erica, did you hear she said yes? Come on in here! All
right! She’s not gonna call. Get out the consolation scotch. It’s her!
Make that celebration scotch. – What’s the difference? – It’s the same
scotch! Diane! Hey, you! Hey. So this is weird. I’m engaged. Oh, wow. To
Mr. Peanutbutter? I saw you left me a voice-mail Delete it. It’s just a
drunken recipe for Bundt cake. Not important. Okay. I got to go. They’re
about to move the D back. – See you tomorrow? – Absolutely. Well, nobody
knows me like you. Time to bring this baby home. To think I went from
flying missions over Kandahar to this cushy crap. I spoke too soon!
Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down! See, you guys aren’t so different.
We’re free! We’re free! – Yeah! – Freedom! – I am free! – Freedom! Oh,
wow. What a twist, huh? And they say there’s no new stories in Hollywoo.
Hollywoo, Hollywoo Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m
BoJack the horse – BoJack BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know
And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m
gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more
horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus
raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack
Horseman (2014)
1 7 Say Anything (30 min) You got to get your shit together. So you took
some licks, but you’re gonna bounce back, because you’re talented,
you’re smart, and damn it, you’re good. You are a goddamn American
treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the
hell off my lawn. Oh. Here I thought I was at the drive-through at
Carl’s Jr. How much did I have to drink last night? Last night? Oh,
you’ve been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out
Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter. Diane got engaged to
Mr. Peanutbutter? – I need a drink. – No. No more drinking. You’ve been
out of control. Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos. That is not
John Stamos. Hey, Princess Carolyn, John Stamos and I got our ears
pierced. That is not your ear. Princess Carolyn, John Stamos died. Why?
Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos? That doesn’t sound so bad. Oh, I
forgot to mention you were naked for a lot of that. Stamos! Also, it
wasn’t here. It was at my office. We thought night swimming would be
fun, but the current was too strong. Oh, God, I wasn’t driving around,
him drink with you. Yeah, I’ll have a western bacon cheeseburger.
BoJack, we are going to get you back on your feet. All you need to do is
get off Diane and get on to something else. Hello? Tony, hi. I’m calling
in that favor. Get your crew to BoJack Horseman’s house. Can you be
there in an hour? – Yeah. – Great. What just happened? You’re the new
face of Guten Bourbon. What is Guten Bourbon? It’s an urban German
bourbon. Am I just hungover, or are you talking like a Muppet? They’re
looking for American celebrities to talk about how much they like to
drink. It’s the part you were born to play. All you have to do is smile
and stay upright. I don’t know. It sounds like a lot of work. You take
up 80% of my time with your drama and make me 0% of my money. Do the
damn commercial. Okay, I got to go. You’re in charge, Todd. Keep this
dummy out of trouble. Hooray, responsibility. Hey. Do you really believe
all that stuff you said to me earlier about me being smart and talented
and good? BoJack, I’m an agent. I believe everything I say. Ah. Hey,
where the hell is that cheeseburger? I ordered it, like, an hour ago.
Lenny Turteltaub, you skinny bitch. How the hell are you? I’m in a
hurry, so I’ll make this snappy. I got some great news about the picture
we’re putting together. Sorry. Hello? Hey, I just wanted to thank you
for getting me this job and pulling me out of that oh-so-predictably
BoJack spiral of self-loathing and substance abuse. – You really are the
best. – I know. Talk to you later. I feel like you see things in me that
nobody else sees. Yep, I’m pretty great. Got to go. All this time, I
never even BoJack, I’m in a very important breakfast right now. – Okay.
I got to go, too. – Sorry. What’s the great news? – We got Braff. – You
beautiful dickhead. You finally got Zach Braff? Ah, no other director
has enough weight to handle a movie about the last days of Eva Braun. No
shit, toots. Ooh, ooh, ooh. There you go. Thank you, sweetheart.
Everything’s coming together. With Braff directing, my client Cate
Blanchett starring, and the great Lenny Turteltaub producing, this movie
is a done deal. Look, honey, I been in this business a long time, okay?
Long time. And as I once said to a young Ed Begley Sr., “It ain’t a done
deal till the deals are all done.” I’m the best agent in the biz. I can
seal these deals with my paws in my pants. Well, then I’ll say to you
what I once said to a young Buster Keaton, “What?” Laura! What’s
happening? – We’re merging. – No shit. With what? FME. A bunch of people
got laid off, and some of the FMEERS are already moving in. It’s all so
sudden and unexpected. It was not handled well. Oh, shit. Don’t tell me
one of the new agents is Vanessa Gekko. That slippery, slimy,
cold-blooded, bug-eyed What’s new, pussycat? – Gekko. – In the flesh. Ha
ha. How are you? What a morning, huh? I was in the middle of my second
soul cycle class when I got the news. – Can you imagine? – No. I was so
excited, I rushed home, made love to my husband of 15 years, made a hot
breakfast for my three wonderful girls, read to them, dropped them off
at their elite private school, and then got my ass here as quick as I
could. – Um, how old are your kids now? – I don’t have any children. Oh,
well, it’ll happen. You’re still – Anyway – Princess Carolyn. I see
you’ve already met a new member of the team. – Vanessa Gekko, sir. – I
know that. This merger is very exciting. – I’m pumped. – I’m beyond
pumped. You should be, or at least I think you should be. It’s hard to
keep track of who’s getting promoted – and who’s getting fired. – Oh.
You’re probably fine or not. Who knows? Ugh. What do you want, Todd?
Well, good news, bad news. The bad news is that there actually is no
good news, and the other bad news is BoJack’s gone. What? Where did he
go? The shoot is at his house. He just disappeared. I don’t even know
why he’d leave. This charcoal mellowed bourbon is so smooth, every time
I take a sip, pure happiness. – That was amazing. – Really? Can I get
you to say that in a tuxedo? Hey, I got to go. I think this is my big
break. Don’t worry. I won’t let it get to my head or anything. Hey, who
told that asshole he could sit in my chair? Don’t forget I’m your agent,
too! I want 10%. Hello, beautiful. What the hell are you doing here?
You’re supposed to be shooting a commercial. I know, but I was sitting
there drinking bourbon and They didn’t give you fake bourbon on set? Oh,
they did, and then I just mixed it with bourbon. And it hit me. Why was
I so upset about Diane getting engaged? You’re the one who’s always been
there for me, so I drank a lot more bourbon and drove over to tell you
how I feel. Oh, I see what this is. Princess Carolyn, what are we doing?
Clearly we’re in love with each other. You’re not in love with me.
You’re in love with Diane. And you’re not even really in love with her.
You just think you are because you pay her to listen to you talk about
yourself. Diane getting engaged was the best thing that ever happened to
me. It made me realize you’re the one I need to be with. Ha! You say
that every time something bad happens. Not getting nominated for a
People’s Choice Award is the best thing that ever happened to me. It
made me realize Getting caught with that pound of cocaine was the best
thing that ever happened to me. That hooker getting pregnant was the
best thing that ever happened to me. Sneezing on Marisa Tomei was the
best Every time something bad happens, you come running to me for
comfort. Well, it’s not gonna happen this time. I can’t be your agent
and your girlfriend. It just doesn’t work. I have Lenny Turteltaub for
you. – I have to take this. – Okay. But remember, I’m coming for you,
and I’m gonna make you love me. Please don’t. Hey. Bad news, P.C. Braff
used your merger as an opportunity to jump ship. Aw, fish. Now his new
agent’s asking for twice the money. As I once said to a young Lionel
Barrymore, “Eh, shut up.” Without a director, Eva Braun is as dead as
Eva Braun. Yep. You got to get someone big. – What about those brothers
– Hello? Hello? Lady, you work too hard. That was an important phone
call. Important phone call beep boop blorp. Don’t you robot-voice me.
Princess Carolyn, what are we doing? Well, I’m working, and you are
leaving. Before I go, I got you a little sexy something to remember me
by. Since we can’t be together every second, which would be my
preference, I give you cardboard BoJack. It’s got a light-sensitive
sound chip, so every time you walk by it, it quotes a line from Jerry
Maguire, your favorite movie. You complete me. What do you think? Pretty
sweet, huh? You had me at “hello.” I don’t have time for you or
cardboard you. I need to find a new director. Or you could find my nude
erector She’s gone. Blech. Word to the wise, Laura Do not pitch a Nazi
romance to Steven Spielberg. Just thought you should know there’s been
some reorganization – vis-a-vis resource management. – What are you
saying? You and Vanessa Gekko are sharing an office until they can find
her a permanent one. – The hell we are. – Also Good news, Princess
Carolyn. Vanessa’s my agent now. What? You said you couldn’t be my
girlfriend and my agent, so I’m firing you. Now we can be in love. –
Hope you like money, BoJack. – This is so great. Now I can date you and
have a better agent. – Everybody wins. – Oh. I’m a sporting agent. Are
you still searching for happiness? Make your own happiness. Mmm, that’s
some Guten Bourbon. Cut. That was great. Was it? You know, I’m trying to
do good work here, really find the character, but it’s pretty
distracting to have all these robots staring at me with their blinking
red eyes. Those are cameras, Todd. We’re making a commercial. Oh, well,
you want to make a good one? Then get them the hell out of here! I’m the
face of this brand, I’m the man behind the thing, and I’m determined to
get the jargon of this German bourbon blurbin’. Is it just me, or does
this fake booze taste a lot like real booze? You want BoJack, you can
have him. Here’s a list of directors who won’t work with him, studios
that won’t hire him, former assistants with restraining orders. This is
great. You know, it gets kind of boring when all your clients are in
such demand, they practically find their own jobs. Well, then BoJack
should be a lot of fun for you. No one wants to hire him. Hello. We’re
looking for BoJack Horseman’s agent. We’d like to discuss a very
lucrative business opportunity. – You gotta be kidding me. – I’m
BoJack’s agent. The opportunity is we’re blackmailing you. Ha. All
yours. Needless to say, it would be a shame if these pictures got out.
Fortunately, that can easily be avoided by simply paying me and my
partner here $150. Each. Let me just get my checkbook. Huh? Whoa. Oh, except California law prohibits taking photos on private property without a permit, but you had a permit, right? – Uh – What’s that? Oh, also, extortion can be prosecuted as a class E felony. That’s four years in prison, easy, and when you throw in the murder of Tupac Shakur – We didn’t do that. – Yeah, yeah. You can’t pin that on us. Well, someone’s got to take the fall. Sorry to bother you. Forget we were ever here. That was fun. Hey, Laura, send those guys a nice fruit-and-nut basket. You got it, boss. Who said you could use my assistant? – I did. – Oh, hello, Mr. Witherspoon. Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds? Fascinating. So sorry we have to double up on everything while we work out who goes where and who gets fired, but in the meantime, help yourself to an intern, one of the rising stars at our company – Charlie Witherspoon. – Hello. I Oh. Sorry, my My hands are really sticky. Oh, God, am I blowing this? Charlie was the editor of The Harvard Lampoon. He can be Princess Carolyn’s new assistant while I use Laura. – Ugh. – Good thinking, boss. Ah, ah, phone is ringing. Phone is ringing. What do I do? What do I do? I’ll take it in here, Charlie. Hello. Princess Carolyn, your client is out of control. BoJack is not my client anymore. Not BoJack. Todd. I think someone mixed alcohol into his prop drink. Oh, you pretenders. Bourbon is the name of a county. You can’t just make bourbon in Germany. That would be like making Rice-A-Roni – anywhere but San Francisco. – No, no, no, no, no. – Ugh. I’ll be right there. – Ow. You got to get your shit together. You are a winner, okay? You are Todd Hold on. Fish. Okay, you are Todd goddamn – What’s your last name? – Chavez. – Your last name is Chavez? – Yeah. Why? I don’t know, I just never thought of you as a Chavez. Look, I got to go. I feel like you didn’t really finish the pep talk. I know, but I got a movie to put together. Best of luck. Ready for the tagline? Here’s the tagline. What the heck is going on? “The woman who loved the man who hated everyone.” – That writes itself. – You got to be kidding me. Hey, where were you? We looked everywhere. You’re having the Eva Braun meeting without me? I’m so sorry, but I didn’t know what the protocol was around here, and these guys were just champing at the bit. – We’re just wrapping up. – But Cate is my client. Okay, why don’t I come find you when it’s over, and I’ll bring you up to speed? Is that Quentin Tarantulino? Yeah. I brought him on board. You know he’s always wanted to direct a romantic comedy? Eva Braun is not a romantic comedy. Bye. We live in a cynical world, a cynical world. He’s right, you know. Oh, ooh, oh, oh, over-rotate. Hey. I just missed an important meeting because I was babysitting Todd, who’s too drunk to work, because you switched out the prop bourbon with the real bourbon. You are ruining my life. – Have dinner with me tonight. – No way. Come on, just me, you, and a bottle of Pinot. Probably more than one bottle and some entrees. And I’ll probably get an appetizer. I own the restaurant, so we can go crazy. – I have to work. – You don’t have to work. – You choose to work. – Hmm. Why not choose to be happy for once? Mm. When you’re writing a memoir, you spend a lot of time reflecting on the past. I regret not being a better friend to you and lover. Thank you. Lover’s kind of a weird word, but thanks. You want to get out of this stuffy old restaurant, get some gelato, and maybe drive out to the ocean – and put our feet in the water? – That sounds great. Let me just freshen up my whiskers. Great. I’ll get the car and meet you outside. You scamper right back, pussycat. You look at your reflection too long, you might fall in love. She’s gone. What do you want, Gekko? Well, I was hoping to talk to you face-to-face, but I guess you had to leave work early. I left at 8:30. What is it? Well, Cate and I had a really good talk today. We have so much in common, and especially since I’m doing so much for Eva Braun, it almost seemed weird that I wasn’t repping her. No. No. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. She and I are both high-powered working mothers, so I understand her priorities, so she’s switching to Gekko. Wow, being a mom helped my career? I really can have it all. This isn’t fair. I know everything about Cate. Her favorite color is red. Her favorite book is Suffragette City. Her favorite Spice Girl is Baby. I know all I need to know, which is that she’s beautiful, she’s British, and she’s gonna make me a lot of money. She’s Australian, you moron. If you need me, I’ll be at work. Bye. Bye. Ugh. Uh, telephone. Charlie, get me Cate Blanchett. Um, who is Okay, I don’t Uh, uh, sorry, I can’t Oh, sticky. You know what? Never mind. If Vanessa Gekko wants Cate that bad, she can have her. I’m gonna be okay. I’m gonna be happy. Tonight, I choose to be happy. Hello? I think I put you on mute. Good night, Charlie. Holy shit. Herb! How the hell are you, buddy? Ruin any lives lately? – Excuse me? – I got your message, asshole. You got something to say to me, you come out to Malibu and say it to my face. I’ll be alive tomorrow. After that, who knows? Sorry that took me so long. Just wanted to look my best for you, lover. Hey, um, I just got kind of a weird phone call. You and me both. Hey, screw ’em all, right? Yeah. Are we going to gelato? Princess Carolyn, what are we doing? Getting gelato? This was a mistake. I’ve been acting crazy. That phone call just pulled me back to reality. You were right. I don’t love you. You don’t love me. We’re just two lonely people trying to hate ourselves a little less. Maybe that’s all we’re ever gonna be. Maybe that’s all we ever were. Well, this night took a turn. You know the worst part? I knew this was gonna happen and I let myself get excited anyway. So we agree that this is on you, then? I guess I’ll see you around. You’re not even gonna give me a ride home? Sorry, I think I just need to be alone right now. Of course, of course. That’s what you get when you fall for a horse. Taxi. You got to get your shit together. So yesterday, you let yourself fall in love a little bit, and you got your heart broken. Serves you right for having feelings. Starting now, you are a hard, heartless career gal. Go to work, be awesome at it, and don’t waste time on foolish flights of fancy. From now on, you are a robot. Beep bop boop blurp bleep. – Hello. – I just want you to know I’m fine. Uh-oh. People only say they’re fine when they’re not fine. Did I hurt your feelings last night? I’m an agent. I don’t have feelings. Well, I’m glad you called. I think that you had the right idea yesterday. I should be getting back to work. Can you get me another job? Yeah, well, I’m not your agent anymore, so, no. Oh, right. Well, just tell whoever, then. Haah! Whoa. Asshole! Anyway, I’m off to Malibu to see Herb Kazzaz. He has cancer, which, as you know, is a whole thing. Plus, he hates me, so I could really use some good news at the end of the day. Oh, my God, you’re going to see Herb? You must be really Nope, don’t care. Not interested. Hope you like kicking ass, Charlie, because that’s all we’re gonna do today. My tie got stuck in the copier this morning. That’s great, Charlie. If you flip them real quick, it looks like the tie is running. Hey, Vanessa, your client, BoJack Horseman, wants a job. – Good luck. – Oh, yeah, about that. Gwyneth came in this morning, and I wanted to show her that she was a top priority, so I shredded BoJack’s contract right in front of her. Heh heh What? You just signed BoJack yesterday. I say good riddance to Mr. Houseman or whatever that horse’s name is. It’s not like he makes this company any money, and he does seem to take up an awful lot of your time. I’m from Arizona, Jerry. I went to Arizona State. Todd, how do I turn this thing off? Todd. What? I’m busy. Never mind. Think I’ve figured it out. Now that I’ve got the room to myself, time to practice the trombone. He’s kind of in a bad place right now. You can’t just drop him. The best agent in this building couldn’t get that guy a job. The best agent in this building got him a job yesterday, and I could get him a feature by the end of today. If you want to get him a movie by the end of the day, great, do that. Otherwise, we are washing our hands of him. Charlie, I hear NBC picked up your running tie show. Congratulations. Thank you, Dad. Hey, Marty, Princess Carolyn here. How’d you like to work with the BoJack Horseman? What’s that? You hate his guts? What’s that? He’s a talentless boob? What’s that? You’ll never work with BoJack again? What’s that? You want him to die in an ass factory warehouse fire, smothering to death under a pile of burning asses? Well, if you change your mind, give me a call. Oh, BoJack, what am I gonna do with you? I don’t understand why you’re going through all this trouble for him. That guy’s dead weight, Princess Carolyn. If you don’t cut him loose, you’re never gonna be happy. Help me help you. That’s it. Of course. Cameron Crow, you skinny bitch. You know Jerry Maguire’s my favorite movie of all time? All your films are so human, which is super impressive since you’re a crow. Well, my name is Cameron Crow, but I’m actually a raven, so common misconception. – Well, whatever you are – A raven. – I brought you this – Suffragette City “a coming of age story about rock music, being a teenager in the ’80s and buying zoos”? How have I not heard of this book? You’d be the perfect director to make a movie out of it, and I happen to know this is Cate Blanchett’s favorite book. I’ll bet she’ll drop everything to play the part. You should give her a caw. Okay, I see Yeah. Caw is what crows say. Again, I am not a crow. Cate, listen to me, you’re making a big mistake. Eva Braun is your dream, remember? Cate? Hello? Cate! Oh, no. What happened? Did Cate drop out of your little Holocaust movie so she could make my little Cameron Crow movie? Why don’t you go home and cry about it to your loving husband and children? Say, which one of you is overseeing the Eva Braun package? That would be me, sir. Vanessa, you really shat the bed on this one. – Now, are you fired? – Not exactly. – Can you still work here? – No. Lenny Turteltaub here to see you. Thanks, Laura. So, one minute I’m making a movie with Cate Blanchett. Next, I hear she’s doing a picture with Cameron Crow about mix tapes. As I said to Ed Porter at the premiere of The Great Train Robbery, “Aah, the train’s coming right at me.” – What the hell is going on? – I don’t know, Lenny. Eva Braun was Vanessa’s project. All that work for nothing. Now Quentin Tarantulino’s got four arms up my ass ’cause he got all excited about making a rom-com. You know what would be a great romantic comedy? Remember when that guy stole the D from the Hollywood sign so he could propose to his girlfriend? That would make a great movie, but who would play the lead? Preferably someone kind of washed up. You know how much Quentin loves to revitalize dead careers. It’s kind of his thing. Well, in that case, you know who’d be great? Show me the money. – Yeah. – Good news. You’re back in my stable, and I got you the lead in a romantic comedy. Who’s the best agent in the world? What? I went through hell and back today, but it was worth it because I got you a job. Aren’t you excited? No. I don’t know. I don’t care about that. You You said you wanted a job. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. – Wow. What happened in Malibu? – I got to go. Need anything else? No, thanks, Laura. Go home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Are you gonna head out soon? Where else would I go? Happy birthday, Princess Carolyn. Thanks, phone. You are 40. We were young We had our heads down Oh and I I was all of a landslide Didn’t know It was something to hold onto Never meant us to fall in Turn around Turn around Boxer versus raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 1 8 The Telescope [BoJack.] Oh, right. Well, just tell whoever, then. – Haaah! – [tires screech.] Ooh! [honks horn.] – Asshole! – [tires squeal.] Anyway, I’m off to Malibu to see Herb Kazzaz. He has cancer, which, as you know, is a whole thing. Plus, he hates me, so I could really use some good news at the end of the day. Oh, my God. You’re going to see Herb? You must be really Nope. – Don’t care. Not interested. – [phone beeps.] Okay, Good talk. Hey. – Ready for this? – Listen. I want to make sure I don’t spend any time alone with Herb. I’m bringing you along as my buffer. And your memoirist. I should meet your old best friend before he dies of cancer. Fine, I guess. Just don’t abandon me. No bathroom breaks. And don’t slip out of the room to text your fiancÃ© a bunch of winky smileys with hearts next to them Gross. Congratulations on the whole being engaged thing, – by the way. – Thanks. It’s just starting to hit me. I’m getting married. Thank God I don’t have to die alone. – No offense. – None taken. Till you said, “No offense.” So what’s the deal with you and this guy? You never talk about him. Well, I kind of, maybe stabbed him in the back. Yeah, it’s a bit of a story. A story of power, betrayal, and ambitious hairstyles. The year? 198 – Movie’s over. – Watch the next one. Aw, I’m tired of watching movies. – Do you want to play a game? – Sure. I spy with my little eye someone who needs to shut the hell up. – Is it me? – It’s always you. – Now, where was I? – You were about to tell a story about you being a shitty friend, but then, we got interrupted by you yelling at Todd. Oh, yeah. Shut up, Todd. [funky electronic music.] [’80s music.] Generic ‘80s new wave Beep, bop, beep, bop, beep, bop This is a song from the ’80s The decade which it currently is Why do we need a kitchen and a bathroom? Pipes are pipes, people. Do we really need a toilet and a sink and a bathtub and Wait, hold on A whole ’nother room with another sink? They’re all just holes to the ocean, lady. I mean, come on. [laughs.] BoJack, you’re late. Here. I got you a beer. It’s on the house. Don’t tell my boss. Thanks, Charlotte, but one beer gets me tipsy. I got to be clear-headed for my set. Looks like Herb’s killing. Yeah, and the suits from ABC are here. [laughter.] Look. They’re nodding. That’s the executive version of laughing. Wow. They must be serious about Herb. That’s Angela Diaz. She’s the woman who made pantsuits a thing. Oh, before I forget. Herb and I are gonna see Back to the Future again this weekend. – Want to come? – I’m in. That movie was amazing, except for all the lame time period jokes. We get it. The ’50s were different. I’ll have a New Coke, please. Listen, you guys don’t need to include me on your dates. Sometimes, it makes me feel like a third wheel. BoJack, stop. Without the third wheel, how would you ride a tricycle? Wouldn’t that make it a bicycle? Herb Kazzaz, ladies and gentlemen. [applause.] – Hey-ooh! – Great set, man. It’s like everything you said was something I’ve thought before but never had the balls to say. Thanks, BJ. I set ’em up. Now, you knock ’em down. Let’s give it up for BoJack Horseman. – [applause.] – Well, thank you, Bubbles. I love L.A. Don’t you guys? The prettiest girls in the world flock to this city, and they end up with total knobs. Take this couple, for example. [laughter.] Excuse me, miss. Is that your date? He’s my husband. That’s your husband? You can do better. Give me a call after the show. – [laughter.] – I’m just kidding around. [whispers.] I’m not kidding around. [laughter.] Ugh. Maker’s Manhattan? 2:00 P.M.? Not judging. That guy tipped me a quarter. That’s barely enough money to buy three gallons of gas. – You want a slug? – No, I got to stay sharp. I got another audition this afternoon. God, I can’t wait till I’m finally up for real jobs instead of these dumb commercials. “Here’s the thing about most long-distance plans.” Ugh. I hate when people say that. – “Here’s the thing.” – It’s so stupid. Just say the thing. You don’t need to introduce the concept that there’s going to be a thing. I don’t expect to be offered Secretariat right away, but when am I gonna be up for real roles? We’ll get there, BJ. We both will. In fact, if I play my cards right, I might get there real soon. Wait. – Did the guys from ABC call? – Uh-huh. They invited me to some hotshot event at LACMA this weekend. I’m gonna pitch ’em a TV show while they’re drunk. An off-the-clock, non-work-related social event? That’s the perfect time to pitch a TV show. You’re brilliant. These people are so fancy. Look, look, look. Hey, hey, look. That’s Joyce DeWitt, isn’t it? That’s Joyce DeWitt. And that’s Angela Diaz. And that’s Ubu, the guy who sits. – He is a good dog. – [Ubu barks.] Guys, don’t take your eyes off the prize. We need to fill Charlotte’s bag with these mini quiches. This is our breakfast for June. – Herb Kazzaz. – Shit, we’re busted. – [plate shatters.] – Pretend you don’t speak English. Buongiorno. Bon Jovi. Salutations. Crap, that’s English. Hey, you mind if I steal this superstar for a second? Okay, yeah. I’ll catch you two later. Stay out of trouble. Oh, ho. Well, there he goes. Herb’s about to hit the big time, and I’m just gonna be a small-fry doing tiny commercials and eating mini quiches. You’re dead wrong. You’re gonna be a big success. Herb says that to me all the time. – He thinks the world of you. – He does? Yeah, I’m not worried about if you’ll become a star. I’m more worried about how you’ll change when it happens. Like, you think I’ll get fat? No, that’s not what I’m talking about. So you’re saying I definitely – won’t get fat? – No. Well, make up your mind, lady. Look over there. See those tar pits? Hollywood’s a real pretty town that’s smack on top of all that black tar. By the time you realize you’re sinking, it’s too late. Wait, is this a science lesson? No, BoJack, it’s a metaphor. – Ugh, that’s worse. – BoJack, I’m moving to Maine. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really? – Does Herb know? – Yeah. I don’t think I’m the person Herb’s looking for. I’m going to miss you, Charlotte. Hey, do you ever wonder what would have happened if you’d met me before Herb did? Would you have made a move on me? – Charlotte – I don’t think you would have. You know why? I think you’re a coward. Now go stuff some prosciutto in your pants before that Webster kid takes it all. [upbeat music.] [Herb.] I love this town. Why did you bring me to Griffith Park? Are we gonna get in a knife fight like in Rebel Without a Cause? – I hate that title. – He had several causes. I wanted to give you this. Look out at that city. What do you see? Wow, I didn’t realize there were so many day hookers. I see a city that you and I will run someday, and when we’re both famous and have everything we’ve ever wanted, we’ll come back here together and high five. I’m not fully on board with this new high five thing. What ever happened to the low five? Give me some skin. BJ, listen. I got a call from ABC today. They bought my TV pitch. What? That’s amazing. – What’s the show? – It’s called Horsin’ Around. Well, good luck on your rocket ship to the top without me. No, BoJack, the show’s about a horse, and I told those suits if they want my show, then that horse is gonna be BJ Goddamn Horseman. – Oh, my God. – And they said, “No.” – Oh. – And I said, “Please?” And they said, “Okay.” So, what do you say? – Want to be my star? – Seriously? Of course I do. Of course, Herb. Jesus Christ, thank you. Mm-hmm Whoa, whoa. I think you got the wrong idea here. – Yeah, no, man. Whoa. – Herb, I’m not Me either. No, I just You know, – I caught up in the moment. – Yeah, no, I gotcha. BJ, can you believe it? We’re gonna make an actual TV show! One that takes an unflinching look at the gritty reality of the American family. Just kidding. Let’s get rich! [both.] Yeah. [rock music.] Generic ‘90s grunge song Everyone in flannel Generic ’90s grunge song Something from Seattle Why would I say, “You’ll never get me in that sweater” in this scene and then, in the very next scene, I’m wearing the sweater? Did my character suddenly forget that he didn’t want to wear the sweater? No, see, that’s actually the joke. Don’t explain the joke to me. I just don’t understand how it’s a joke. So you do want me to explain it to you? I want you to add a scene showing how I changed my mind about the sweater so the goddamn episode makes sense. Look at me, doing your job for you. Way to go, Shakespeare. BJ, you’re doing the scene as written. What happened to the stories I requested? Where’s my rap? You said you’d write me a rap. We’re working on it. We just need a rhyme for “and I’m here to say.” Well, what about giving me Rollerblades? How are people gonna know that my character is hip if he doesn’t roll the blade? Just get out there and do your job. Every one of your ideas is stupid or racist. That was one pitch, and I didn’t say they’re all thieves. But if you’re too scared to start a national dialogue, maybe I’ll take my ideas home. Good luck making Horsin’ Around without the horse. BoJack, hon. That audience out there traveled from all over the country just to taste some of your magic. Do you really want to disappoint them? [sighs.] Okay, Sharona. I’ll go out and jerk this limp script until it gets hard, but I’m not doing it for Herb. I’m doing it for the fans. And your 30K an episode. [announcer.] Let’s give it up for BoJack Horseman! And there better be some Zimas in my dressing room after the show. [cheers and applause.] Wait a minute. This isn’t the bar. I got to fire my assistant. [laughter.] You guys sound like you’re ready for a show. [rock music.] Oh, gross. Why do I keep trying to like Zima? [phone rings.] – Talk to me, world. – BoJack, it’s Princess Carolyn. How are you doing today? Well, I’ll tell you my problem. – I just keep getting handsomer. – [laughs.] Good problems to have. Hold for a sec. I’ve got your agent on the line. [Marv.] BoJack Goddamn Horseface. I got some news so good, you’ll goddamn kiss me. Put it here. Put it here. What’s the role you’ve been dying to play your whole life, besides Kathy Ireland’s bathing suit? Ha-ha. She is attractive. Good God, when I die, bury me in Kathy Ireland. Uh, Marv? Marv? What’s the big news? Secretariat! It’s happening, and it’s down to you and Val Kilmer for the title role. That’s amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Now, listen. I don’t want to see you in any more tabloids. Keep your head down and your nose clean. Now, I gotta go. I got a lunch with MC Skat Kat. [man on TV.] Scandal breaking today surrounding the family sitcom, Horsin’ Around. Oh, God. What did I do this time? Herb Kazzaz, the show’s creator, was caught tonight in an LAPD sting – on public indecency. – Wha Police say Mr. Kazzaz was caught in the middle of lewd acts with another man. Conservative groups have been quick to organize. Horsin’ Around is a show for kids. My family should be able to watch those nubile preteens without men like perv Kazzaz flaunting their alternative lifestyles and ruining America. Sheeeiiiiit. BoJack, I gotta tell ya. – I’m gay. – No doy. I know we haven’t been close for the past couple years. Okay, I’m gonna hold back my “No doys” because there might be a lot. But you know me, right? You know that I’m a good guy. They’re gunning for me at the network, and if I get kicked off this, I won’t recover. I need to know that you’ve got my back. If you threaten to walk, they’ll listen to you. Herb, you picked the worst possible time to Hey, you know I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need it. Come on, BoJack. How’d we get so far apart, huh? [sighs.] You know what? You can count on me, Herb. I mean, I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you. I knew it! I knew you’d come through. And when this is all over, we’re going to drive back up to Griffith Park. I still owe you that high five, right? Hey, this is a dumb question, but do you guys ever, like, all link up together and do, like, a party train or a fun circle? ’Cause I feel like I’d be doing that all the Never mind. Stupid question. Feel stupid for asking that. – [crowd shouting.] – [barking.] Go right ahead. And then it goes, “I like healthy gums in a major way.” See, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s great. We just gotta make sure that we work in the phrase “toothbrush rap” early, so they know I’m rapping. BoJack, can we chat for a second? Ugh. Here we go. It’s the big one. I’m not gonna waste your time with small talk because you work for me, and your time is my time. We’re letting Herb go. – You can’t do that. – “I can’t do that.” I’m not asking you. It’s nothing personal. I like Herb. I think he’s a good guy. But this is a business, and every day we don’t fire him, we’re flushing money – down the crapper. – Well, if he goes, I go. “Well, if he goes, you go.” I wouldn’t do that. BoJack, I think you’re a star, and sometimes being a star means making tough choices. You can storm out, make a big show out of what a “good” friend you are, or you could be the guy who does his job. – Angela – I’ll tell you when it’s your turn to talk again. Look, you’re a star, but this is really just the beginning of the BoJack Horseman story. You can choose whatever path you want, but I’ll tell you right now. You don’t win awards and you don’t get to be on the covers of magazines and you don’t get to play the lead role in the Secretariat movie by being a good friend. What’s that old expression about how the show must go on? Oh, right. It’s “Don’t be an idiot.” So what do you think, BoJack? That’s a courtesy question. I already know what you think because I have conversations like this one five times a day. I know who you are, and I know you’ve already made your decision. But if you want to surprise me, now’s the time to do it. That’s what I thought. You’re doing the right thing. I know it’s hard. But if Herb’s really your friend, he’ll understand. Now, you’ve got a show to put on, so I’ll let you get ready. This was a good conversation. Productive. If you’re lucky, I’ll never talk to you again. [cup thuds.] [sighs.] [announcer.] You folks ready for a show? [audience cheering.] ’Cause I think a certain someone might show up any second. [applause.] [sighs.] – [cheers and applause.] – Wait a minute. This isn’t the bar. I gotta fire my assistant. [laughter.] So what ended up happening with Secretariat? Went into turnaround. I don’t totally know what “turnaround” means, – but they never made the movie. – Whoa. This house is way bigger than yours. Herb’s done really well for a guy you dicked over. – Oh, no. Ah. – That’s enough out of you. Stay out here and turn this car around in case we need to leave in a hurry. Hooray. A task. [doorbell rings.] [sighs.] [coughs.] BoJack! Well. Jesus, you look shitty. Have you been eating your guilt this whole time? [all laugh.] Yeah, you don’t look so hot yourself, Herb. I have cancer. And hello. Who’s this stunning creature? And what string of bad decisions has placed you in BoJack’s orbit? – Uh – This is Diane. She’s writing a book about me. Pleasure to meet you. Is your book called, Portrait of an Asshole? [laughs.] I kid. It’s funny, because he ruined my life. I joke. It’s what I do. Please, come in. You’re letting out all the cancer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [forced laugh.] Ha ha Almost. Ah Almost there. Come on ah. – Oh, thanks. Thanks. – [bear growls.] BoJack, how are your utensils? – Uh, they’re fine. – Are you sure? Because if that knife ain’t sharp enough, I got another that you left in my back 20 years ago. – [laughs.] – Could have seen that coming. Who asks about utensils? I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Nope. No, you are not. Uh. Oh. Ow. Almost. [exciting music.] – Drive, drive, drive! – Oh. Oh, no. I can’t turn the car around. I’ve been trying to do this three-point turn forever. I mean, it’s more like a 300-point turn. – Am I right, huh? – Hee hee hee hee! Hey, we’ve got two sacks of Kardashian swag and the fuzz on our heels. You think this is Driver’s Ed, you hat-wearing pussy? Drive the goddamn car! [coughs.] Hey, Herb, is that your Vitamix? BoJack has one, too. I wonder if you guys have strong opinions about it one way or the other. Well, the stupid thing was like 600 bucks. I have used mine a grand total of zero times. I got it a month before I was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t give a shit about being healthy anymore. I don’t even have cancer, and I don’t use it. – So who’s it for? – Exactly. What is so great about liquids? Every article I read now is “juice this” and “juice that.” You know why? Juice controls the media. – Hey-ooh. – [both laugh.] Can’t this thing go any faster? Uh, I’m going as fast as I can. [tires squealing.] Do you want me to get out? Try to guide you? No, I think I’m almost there. You’re doing a great job. Kenzie, stop talking to him. Why? He’s being nice. Remember the number one rule of the Celebrity Stealing Club – “No falling in love.” – Ugh. That’s your rule for every club. It’s a good rule. Whoa. Whoa, guys. I’m sensing a lot of hostility here. Maybe we should take our masks off and actually talk. You want me to take my mask off? Fine. Happy? I took my mask off. Did you? Because I think you’re still wearing a mask. [both.] Oh. Oh, my God, Herb, you met President Clinton? Oh, yeah. Many times. Did you think that I spent the last 20 years on my couch just feeling sorry for myself? I mean, I did do that, but I also started [coughs.] a charity to bring clean water to millions of children in Sub-Saharan Africa. Oh, wow. I presented at the Teen Choice Awards. Wait, is that Charlotte? Yeah, yeah. We kept in touch. You should actually give her a call. I’m sure she’d love to hear from you. She looks good for someone so old. She’s three years younger than you. – Exactly! – [laughs.] – [coughs.] – Er? Well, guys, I’m pretty beat. I think I need to head off to bed, and I hope I actually wake up later. [coughs.] And it was actually nice to see you, BoJack. You can see yourselves out. [chuckling.] “Juice controls the media.” [chuckling.] I love it. So I guess in a sense I’m running away from the cops, but I feel like in another, truer sense, I’m running away from myself. – Truth. Truth. – Whoa. Kenzie, do you have anything to share? Just how amazing it feels to finally be honest for once. I could live a million lives, and I’d never forget this one afternoon. Word. You know, I act all cool and sophisticated on the outside, but on the inside, I’m just Todd, you know? But thanks to you guys, I think I’m finally – ready to let my guard down. – Do you hear that? – He’s letting his guard down. – Let’s get him! – [grunts.] – Oh! [both.] Celebrity Stealing Club strikes again. [upbeat music.] This This just doesn’t feel right. I should have brought a bottle of wine. That’s what adults do. BoJack, damn it. Is that what’s bothering you, – that you didn’t bring wine? – You’re right. I just would have drunk it on the way here. This isn’t about wine, BoJack. If you have something you need to say to someone, you should do it while you have the chance because before you know it, it’ll be too late. Is this one of those things where we’re talking about Herb but we’re actually talking about something else? – No, I was talking about Herb. – Okay, good. Yeah, me, too. [cheerfully.] Hey, buddy! You come back for that Vitamix, you [coughs.] Ooh, you should get that looked at. Yeah. I’ve been meaning to see a doctor. Hey, I wanted to talk to you about you know. I feel bad about what happened. So you’re apologizing. Yes. I’m sorry. Okay. I don’t forgive you. Herb, I said I’m sorry. Yeah, and I do not forgive you. Uh not sure you get what’s happening here. This could be the last time that you No. I’m not gonna give you closure. You don’t get that. [coughs.] You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it’s never, ever going to be okay. I really think that we’d both – feel better if we just – I’m dying. I’m not gonna feel better, and I’m not gonna be your prop so you can feel better. You have to believe me. – I did everything I could. – Yeah? Then why didn’t you call me? Huh? Look, I I wanted to, but I didn’t think You know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left. I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me. Sure. But you? It’s not my fault you got fired. I don’t care about the job! I did fine. I had a good life. But what I needed then was a friend, and you abandoned me. And I will never forgive you for that. Now, get the fuck out of my house. I [sighs.] Hey, this is a dumb question, but the gay thing and the rectal cancer thing aren’t related, are they? – Get out of here! – Never mind. Stupid question. Forget I brought it up. – Huh. – Hey, BJ. – Put that back, asshole! – No, you gave this to me. – [growls.] – No! [both grunting.] [Diane.] BoJack? What are you doing? Get off him. The show was never the same after I left. Admit it. Some people prefer the later years. – [growling.] – BoJack. Come on. – [panting.] – Thank you for inviting us. You have a lovely home. You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you’re not. In fact, you’d probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you’re a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about who he hurts. That’s you. That’s BoJack Horseman. I don’t know why I came here. Yeah. You do. [engine revs, tires screech.] [Princess Carolyn.] You said you wanted a job. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Wow. What happened in Malibu? – I gotta go. – [phone beeps.] Hey, bright side. At least now you have a good story to tell at his funeral. Ugh, God. I’m not trying to kill the vibe here, but I’ve had to pee for, like, three hours. [sighs.] Look, I won’t put what happened today in the book if you don’t want me to. No, it’s okay. Full truth like we agreed. Warts and all. It doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t even care what anybody thinks anymore. Well, for what it’s worth, I think it took a lot of guts to do what you did back there. [water lapping.] – Mmm – Mm! [melancholy music.] Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the horse – BoJack BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack It’s a Kazzaz-trophe. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 1 9 Horse Majeure So should we talk about how you just tried to kiss me? No, I don’t think we need to talk about that. Yeah, you’re right. What’s to talk about, right? We’re f-friends, right? – Oh, yeah, totally. – Yeah, friends. And I think it’s important that we stay friends. Yeah, I agree. And be friends with each other. – Yeah, friends. – And also to each other. Plus, hey, you’re getting married. That’s right. Next summer. Nantucket is great in the summer. Not like L.A., which is so hot and dry. It is arid. Well see you later! We’re still a few miles I’ll walk. It’s a beautiful night. Ah! Sorry, sorry! Shit. Todd, we gotta stop this wedding. Todd? Aw, crap. I left him in Malibu. But wait, doesn’t Diane want to marry Mr. Peanutbutter? No, see, she thinks she does, but she actually doesn’t. That’s why we need to be good friends right now, and put our own feelings aside and sabotage our friend’s engagement. Oh – Wait? What? – Oh. I got here as soon as I could. What’s the emergency? We got to figure out a way to stop Diane’s wedding. Okay. So when you woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to rush over here because of an “emergency,” the emergency you were referring to was Diane getting married a year from now? – Yeah, you got any ideas? – I’m done. I’m not going to waste another thought on you. I am at a bar. It’s the weekend. I’m gonna enjoy myself. Look, if you don’t have any ideas, just say you don’t have any ideas. Yoo-hoo! Buy me a drink. Uh, okay. What’s your name, stud? Vincent. Adult man. Vincent Adultman. Ya hear that, BoJack? Vincent is an adult, and I’ll bet he knows how to treat a lady. He very clearly isn’t and doesn’t. Would you like alcohol? I certainly would, you sophisticated smooth talker. Mmm! Tell me all about you. Mm I like business transactions. Are you seriously trying to make me jealous by flirting with what is very obviously just three kids stacked on top of each other under a trench coat? Vinnie, what does a guy like you do for fun? I don’t have time for these shenanigans. I got a wedding to shanghai. Good luck with your business transactions. – Thanks. – Ugh! Officer. The mail truck pulled up right next to me. I got a bad vibe. What was I supposed to do? Not chase the mail truck? Mr. Peanutbutter, I’m a big fan, so I’m gonna let you off with a warning this time. Dangerous – Come on – Dangerous – Aah! – Mr. Peanutbutter! Hey, honeysuckle. Great news. I got to ride in a police car. Bad news I lost my driver’s license. Let me guess. Were you chasing the mailman again? Yeah, why? Did you see him out there too? Nothing stops them. Not rain, not sleet, not dead of night, not gates! Anyway, I need a little favor. Can you drive me everywhere I need to go for the next three months? I really can’t, sweetheart. I’m super busy. Oh, you’re working on our wedding registry. – I’m writing my book. – Right. But don’t forget about the registry. Mr. Peanutbutter, you know I love you. And you know I am really excited about getting married, but right now I’m working, and I have a lot of thoughts in my head, and I can’t really think about our wedding or the future or me being married to you. Okay. What’s going on? Talk to me like I’m Michelle Pfeiffer in the Coolio video. Just Well, um with the leg Hmm, all right. And Coolio. Nothing’s going on. It’s just that this wedding is kind of starting to feel like a lot. Honey, relax. Getting married is easy. I mean, I’ve already done it twice. It’s fine. I’m sorry. I just need to focus on the book right now. So that’s still a no on driving me around? – Why don’t you hire a driver? – Eh-eh-eh-deh Is there a light bulb above my head? Because while you were talking, I just got an amazing idea. I should hire a driver! Oh, this will be a romp. If I know me, this will be a romp. I’m not sure how I feel about breaking and entering, BoJack. Well, that’s the beauty part. The B&E is really the least illegal piece of this 12-point master plan. – Have you got your tool kit? – Check. – Burner phone? – Check. – Cyanide capsule? – Check. Wait, why do we need Okay, let’s get started. Enter the study. Plant incriminating – Hello? Todd? – Uh – Hi, Mr. Peanutbutter. – Take the cyanide, Todd. Take the cyanide! And hup. Hup. And hup No. Are you here to interview to be my driver? Um yes, I am. Brilliant. I didn’t even post the ad yet. Here’s me thinking destiny over here. And hup. Yeah! Hu-aah! Thank you for your interest in the role of driver. I know you don’t have your resume with you, so I’ve taken the liberty of letting you use mine. Yeah, thanks. Here, business boss. Let’s just have a look here. Mm-hmm. Oh, ho, with a resume like this, you should be the one hiring a driver. Just kidding. I know it’s my resume. But I see you went to Northwestern. You know, I’m an N.U. man myself. Go, fighting Westerns. And it says here you do a great Rodney Dangerfield impression. Give us a taste. Uh, okay. “I’m Roger Dangerfield.” No respect, indeed. Todd, you got the job. Oh. Can you believe this weather we’re having? No, I cannot believe this weather we’re having! Oh, wow. We make a great pair. It’s like I’m Miss Daisy, and you’re Minnie Driver. Hey, I’m bored. And I think Todd swallowed a cyanide pill and might be dead. Wanna come over and bang it out? Appealing as that sounds, I have lunch plans with Vincent. I know that might be hard for you to hear. Wait, that guy from the bar who is actually three boys stacked on top of each other under a trench coat? Well, don’t fly into a jealous rage about it. Not jealous. Just reminding you that you are trying to have a relationship with someone who is and again, it’s bizarre I should have to point this out three young boys stacked on top of each other under a trench coat. He listens to me. Okay, okay, but can you just acknowledge that – That you are being jealous? – Oh, oh! Already acknowledged. Toodles. – Look who’s not dead. – Better than not dead. You are looking at Mr.Peanutbutter’s new driver. You’re his driver? That’s perfect. Now you can infiltrate Mr. Peanutbutter’s inner circle. I don’t know, BoJack. Sure, you’ll act all friendly, gain his trust, chauffer him around on his little errands to the groomer and whatnot, but all the while, you’ll be studying him, scouring out his weaknesses, biding your time till we’re ready to strike. And once you zero in on his Achilles’ heel, we will take him down. Hooray. Betrayal. Oh, man. Oh, man. – Keep it cool, Todd. – Hey, pal. If you’re making small talk up there, how about sending a little my way? Um can you believe this weather we’re having? No, I cannot believe this weather we’re having! Hey, weren’t you supposed to be here like a half hour ago? Yeah, I’ve just been sitting in my car. Listen, I was looking over my notes, and I think I have enough to go write the book, so I’m just going to do that. You don’t want to interview me anymore? But don’t you want to know what my Rosebud is? You told me repeatedly it was the nudie magazine your uncle showed you with the three-nippled woman. – Who was she? – I got it all. Oh, okay. Well, I’ll see you around though, right? Yeah. I, um Why did you have to make things weird, BoJack? I made things weird? So if you see anything you know we need, like this biscuit warmer, you just run the laser over the barcode, and kablamsky! It goes in the registry. And that way, everybody knows what I want. – And I know what I want. – Uh Which is what everyone wants. And it’s really clear, and nobody’s confused about anything. Am I crazy, or are you not into this? No, I am. It’s just The big wedding in Nantucket, all these presents I’m so overwhelmed, I can barely consider whether I want or need a biscuit warmer, which I think is how people end up with biscuit warmers. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Close your eyes. Come on. Okay, picture our lives together. It’s a cold Sunday morning a bunch of years from now. Maybe robots have taken over, maybe they haven’t. I don’t know. It’s the future. This story isn’t about that. The important thing is it’s Sunday morning. I brought you the paper, fetched your slippers. You come into the kitchen Can you smell biscuits? – Yes. – So can I. – Are they warm? – Yeah. Well, that’s all a biscuit warmer’s for. Look, if marriage stresses you out, we don’t have to get married. It’s not the marriage. It’s the wedding and the year of build-up. So forget all that. I’ve done the whole big wedding thing. I don’t need to do it again. Let’s do something small and casual right here in town next month. Honestly, that would be amazing. But we’d have to cancel the doves, and we wouldn’t be able to send out those fancy invitations you liked. Those doves were being jerks anyway. And invitations They’re just a scam made up by the Post Office to keep tabs on us. Post Office. Settle down, boy. And then we talked about his favorite Smash Mouth CDs. And Oh, oh. And then that led to a whole conversations about sticks. Oh, and let me tell you, Mr. Peanutbutter has got some serious opinions about sticks. Why are you telling me this? What? You said you wanted every detail. Did I mention he got a new bandana? Give me something I can use to make them call off their wedding. Oh, yeah. Did I not tell you? They called off their wedding. What? Thank God! Oh, the universe makes sense. They decided against a big destination wedding, so they’re doing it here – sometime next month. – What? I guess saying they called it off is probably not right. Hey, what’s this? Oh, yes, I got jury duty, but I can’t worry about that right now. That is a problem for Friday BoJack. Now think, Todd. Gotta have something I can use sloshing around in that pot-infused Jell-O shot – you call a brain. – Let’s see. Mr. Peanutbutter likes having his tummy scratched, and Diane’s family is from Vietnam, which is where Vietnamese food comes from, and since that goes in your tummy Okay, stop thinking. Just give me raw data. What’s happening this week? Well, the circus is in town. Congress is going to vote on the new Education Bill With Mr. Peanutbutter! What’s happening with Mr. Peanutbutter? Well, I’m taking Diane and him to the bank on Thursday. I can use that. I can actually use that. I don’t know if I’m up for staging a bank robbery, BoJack. Oh, come on, character actress Margo Martindale. They say that there are no good parts for women over 50. I want to stick an AK-47 in your hand and prove them wrong. I do tire of the limitations of stage, film, and television. You might as well perform in a cage, am I right? This is guerilla theater No stage, no script, no net. It’s the kind of work we talked about doing that night in the desert. Don’t tell me we left those dreams in the sweat lodge. Hell, I’ll do it. And that little boy never found his mother. Hey, guys. BoJack Horseman? Oh. Hi. What a weird coincidence. I did not know you would be here today. How are things? Things are good. You? Things good with you? Hands behind your head, everybody. Nobody moves, nobody gets shot. What an unfortunate surprise. Well, well, isn’t that a pretty ring? This one. Well, well, isn’t that a pretty ring? I’ll take it. But it’s my engagement ring. Give it to her, Diane. – It’s just a ring. – Just a ring? That ring is a symbol of your love. If you don’t care about the ring, it really makes me wonder if you care about the woman wearing it. That terrifying bank robber is making some very cogent points. No, Mr. Peanutbutter’s right. If the ring is just a symbol for love, why would I need a symbol when I have the real thing right here? Yeah, we don’t need rings, we have each other. Hey, why are we even waiting a month to get married? If anything, this bank robbery is reminding me that life is short. We should get married even sooner! No What do you mean sooner? Why not this weekend? We could get married Saturday. Am I crazy? Yes. Don’t do it. – Oh, keep the damn thing. – Aw. Okay. Saturday it is. What the hell just happened? Something truly beauti Aah! – Oh. – Get your hands off me! – – Uh-oh. Long story short, Erica did have to lose the foot, but she gained a friend. Sorry, kind of went off on a tangent there. Diane and I wanna thank you all for coming to our impromptu rehearsal dinner, even though we did not actually have time – to organize a rehearsal. – Or a dinner. But there is an open bar which you are all welcome to partake in as soon as I finish this toast, which I will be doing right after one more quick anecdote. It was winter in Prague, and the consumption hung low in the air. Well, the bank thing was a dud. Thanks a lot, Todd. Well, you win some, you lose some. It’s like Vincent always says – “Oopsy.” – Vincent? Yeah, Princess Carolyn’s boyfriend. We’ve hung out a couple times. – What are you ta – That dude is funny. You know he’s not a person, right? Look, I don’t want to get in the middle of your whole thing with Princess Carolyn. It’s not about that. I just don’t understand why nobody else seems to notice that she is dating a man who is clearly three little boys doing the thing from The Little Rascals. Oh, that reminds me of another funny story. If I could say a few words? BoJack Horseman. Take the mic. Spin us a yarn. Mr. Peanutbutter, Diane. Since I am friends with both of you – and have no ulterior motives – Mm-hmm. I would like to offer my restaurant as a venue for your wedding. Wow! Really? I don’t know. That’s too generous. Hey, don’t look a horse’s gift in the mouth, right? I get it. Like the song. That’s not a song. All right, everyone. That’s it for the toasts. Enjoy yourselves and each other. This is perfect. Now that the wedding’s at my restaurant, we have the home field advantage. Perfect for sabotage. BoJack, I need to thank you. You calling me to the bar the other night turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. – I think I’m in love. – Okay. This “person” you’re in love with Have you seen him without his trench coat on? I don’t understand why you can’t be happy for me. He’s a good boyfriend. I actually think you and Vincent would really hit it off if you gave him a chance. You should spend some one-on-one time with him. You mean one-on-three time? Because there are three of him. We get it. You don’t like him. I’m actually not sure you do get it. I know what’s been going on. Ah! I wasn’t gonna pee. I was just taking my penis out. You’ve been driving me around, but there was something else happening the whole time. I see it now. What are you talking about? You weren’t just working as my driver, Todd. You were becoming my friend. Oh, yeah. That was happening. Well, I could use a friend right about now. There’s something I really gotta get off my chest, and if it got out, it could destroy the whole wedding. No, I’m not great with sensitive information. I don’t know if I’m ready to get married again. Don’t get me wrong. I love Diane so much. I didn’t have any doubts until I realized she had doubts. Then I figured she’s smarter than I am. Maybe she knows things I don’t. You are kind of unloading a lot of sensitive information here. Sure, I think I’m ready to commit to Diane, but I can’t even commit to my favorite type of stick. Yes, today, it’s short and knobby, but tomorrow? Well, sure, Diane is short, but I don’t know about knobby. The last thing I want to do is hurt Diane, but I keep having this dream where she’s gone. There’s no break-up, no tragedy. She’s just gone, and my life continues without her. And it terrifies me to say this, but in the dream I feel relief. Hey, thanks for listening to all this. You’re a really good friend, Todd. Since you weren’t able to give me any useful intel, I had to offer up my restaurant, but now, we’re on my turf. Time for operation “I don’t.” Yeah, sounds good. You know, with my knack for coming up with plans and your ability to hear them without contributing more than three words at a time, we make a pretty good team, don’t we, Todd? – You said it. – See? Beloved character actress Margo Martindale is in police custody tonight for her role in a failed bank robbery. Margo Martindale? But first, pizza for breakfast? The answer might surprise you. I know her, but how? Wait. She was at the convenience store the night I bought that video game and ruined my rock opera. She’s the one who asked me to hand her that tape from the 10Â¢ bin. That means Margo Martindale likes tapes! And a tape is something you listen to, but tape is also a sticky thing you can use to seal boxes. Boxes is what cereal comes in. What does it all mean? Am I just grasping at straws? Wait. Straws That’s it. Straws are used to drink soda or water, and plants need water. And BoJack used Margo Martindale as a plant at the bank and the convenience store, which means Ugh! BoJack hired Margo Martindale to make me find that video game so he could kill my rock opera! Aw, dude. – Rise and shine, Todd. – I didn’t sleep. Well, we’re down to the wire, but we still got one more day to figure out how to stop this wedding, and I can’t afford to waste one second, so let’s get Oh, shit. Forgot about jury duty. Damn you, Tuesday BoJack. – And so, you saw the defendant. – Yes. That man, the defendant You saw him? Come on, come on, come on. Hurry up. – That’s correct. – The defendant was seen by you. Sweet Jesus. Some of us have weddings to ruin. Yes. No further questions, Your Honor. I’m sorry. I misspoke. A lot of further questions. The jury finds the defendant not guilty on all charges. We did the right thing today, BoJack. But you know who the real winner is? – Justice. – Mr. Peanutbutter. BoJack. There’s my superstar. – How are you? – Amazing! This has been the role of a lifetime. I think they’re gonna send me up to Lompoc, and when I get there, I’m gonna find the meanest, hardest queen bitch of the yard, and I’m going to bite her finger off. That’ll show everyone I’m crazy, and you don’t mess with crazy. Plus, free finger. Oh, here I am blabbering on about my plans. Did you ever stop that wedding? It’s actually happening right now. I ran out of time. I never understood why it was so important to keep those two apart. I was just trying to be a good friend in my own shitty, ass-backwards way. Diane deserves the best. She’s smart and kind and beautiful, and it’s gonna be mostly synonyms from here on if I keep going, and I’m in love with her. Tell her that, BoJack. You don’t need kooky schemes or nutty capers. Just go to her and speak from your heart. Then find the biggest person at the wedding and bite his finger off! You’re right, partly. I’ve gotta tell her how I feel. Okay, I’m gonna do it. Good luck with your finger thing. Todd, thank God you’re here! Did I miss it? Is it too late? Dude. I’m done with this. No. No. Mr. Peanutbutter’s been nice to me. Mr. Peanutbutter is nice to everybody. That’s what makes him so stupid. No, I’m stupid. But even I know that the only reason you’re doing this is because you’re in love with Diane. Yes, that’s right. And I’m here to finally tell her how I feel. BoJack, she knows how you feel. How? I barely just realized Hey, man, she made her choice. Look around. This day is not about you, okay? So maybe you should just stop trying to mess with other people’s lives. I never thought I wanted to get married. It’s so weird, this idea of dedicating yourself to something for the rest of your life. Like, how could you know, right? But then I realized it’s okay to not know everything. And some things take a leap of faith. Mr. Peanutbutter, I want to take that leap with you. By the power vested in me by one of those dumb websites, I now pronounce you married. Go ahead. Kiss, you lovesick dummies. Ow! Mmm-yeah I used to think maybe Hey, Todd. Todd. Thanks for hearing me out the other night. I’m really glad I went through with this. This is the happiest day of my life. Always happy to be of service. Oh, and, um, I got you something. Todd Chavez? Hey. That name’s my name. What’s “PB Livin’”? My film production company. Read your title. “Executive Vice President of West Coast Operations.” Whoa! Does that mean I control the waves? No, it means you’re my assistant. You’ve got a big future ahead of you, and I don’t want you to waste any time looking back. So I got all my cars’ mirrors taken off. Isn’t that kind of dangerous? What do I care? I’m not driving. Hey, BoJack. Thanks for coming. I wasn’t sure you were gonna make it. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. You’re a good friend. I’m really glad to know you. – Mwah. – Sorry that I If I made things weird. They weren’t that weird. – Oh. – Diane, honey? Oh, I gotta go dance with my husband. I’m married! Hi. So you’re the quote-unquote person, singular, that everyone’s so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I don’t? Um, adult stuff. Yeah, I’m not seeing it. But that doesn’t matter. Not everything’s about me. And maybe I am a little jealous. Not because I actually want to date Princess Carolyn anymore, but just because I don’t like the idea that I can’t. I guess I just assumed I always could. But I made a lot of bad decisions. Not just with her. With with everyone, really. You know, Princess Carolyn was right. – You are a good listener. – Thanks. You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it’s all gone. And I’ll never get it back in me. It’s too late. Life is a series of closing doors, isn’t it? Don’t be sad. Good horsey. That actually feels kind of nice. Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the horse – BoJack BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 1 10 One Trick Pony We’re very different, but I think that we bring out the best in each other. It’s like you’re chocolate and I’m Mr. Peanutbutter. Shut up and kiss me, you silly goof. Cut! Welcome back to Excess Hollywoo. I’m A Ryan Seacrest Type, and I’m visiting the set of Mr. Peanutbutter’s Hollywoo Heist. I’m thrilled to be talking to the star of the film, BoJack Horseman, and his real life inspiration, Mr. Peanutbutter. Am I an inspiration? Well, that depends on how you define – Wait a minute. Yes, I am. – Ugh. You know, I’m just over the moon to be producing this movie about my daring exploit. – Yes, your daring exploit. – Yes. It’s such a treat to be shooting in my very own casa. And it’s an even sweeter treat to be played by my good amigo dare I say best amigo? – You “daren’t.” – We’re so in tune. We even finish each other’s sentences. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. – It never – Happens. Ah, see? I’m inside him. BoJack, you haven’t worked in quite some time. In fact, I thought you were dead. You must be so grateful to be working again and also alive, which, again, I thought you were not. How did you get involved with this? Well You want me to play Mr. Peanutbutter in the story he stole from me? I stole the D, and then he stole my stealing of it. That makes him an idea thief, which is much less cool than a thief thief, which is what I am and what he also is. You know what might help? If you think about this like a professional instead of a big titty baby. This movie is a huge opportunity. Quentin Tarantulino is known for revitalizing dead careers. This could do for you what Reservoir Dogs did for Rin Tin Tin. But isn’t there any other part? I could play myself. No, BoJack’s already being played by Wallace Shawn. What? The short guy from The Princess Bride who says “inconceivable”? – Why Wallace Shawn? – BoJack Horseman? I don’t want to play that boob. I’m trying to help you out, Wally. You’re the one who keeps buying expensive Rothkos. I have a disease. Would you tell an alcoholic to stop buying alcohol? You know, Black and Blue Number 7’s going up for auction next week. Fine. I’ll do the dumb movie. Fine. I’ll do the dumb movie. But if you find me in a bathtub with open wrists tomorrow and the words “I hate my agent” smeared across the walls in blood, you’ll know why. So obviously I’m thrilled to be here, just thrilled. Cast and crew only. I know you’re just doing your job, but I live here, and the crew has been here since 3:00 a.m., so I’m a little tired. Cast and crew only. Hey, stranger. Haven’t really seen you since the wedding. Kind of feels like we’re coming back to school – after summer vacation. – Yeah. I’ll see you at the pep rally. Hope we don’t get Mrs. Kirkman for trig this year. Yeah, well, I hope the cheerleaders don’t stuff me in a locker and write “virgin slut” on my forehead, and then when I ask how I could be both a virgin and a slut, they make me eat a lipstick. Uh So what have you been up to these last couple months? Well, I’ve been pretty busy. Met a girl at Soho House. – Was she your waitress? – Yes. Then I met a girl at Mastro’s. – Was she also your waitress? – Yes. Then I met a girl at P.F. Chang’s. Let me guess. She was your A hooker, yes, but what she really wants to do is wait tables. Well, I, for one, would love to meet the aspiring food-service worker who finally gets you to settle down. What? Why would I want to settle down? I’m 50. – Yeah, anyway – So I’m sending the first draft of the book to Pinky this afternoon. – What? It’s done? – Not yet. Almost. I’m excited for you to read it, but I’m also cripplingly nervous. I actually kind of feel like throwing up, but I can’t throw up because I haven’t had anything to eat because this lady won’t let me in my own kitchen. Cast and crew only. Listen, if reading a book you wrote is anywhere near as great as it is to actually spend time with you, I’m sure it’s gonna be wonderful. Having said that, what do I know about books? I’m just a dumb actor. I’m here with Hollywoo darling Naomi Watts. Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane? I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. That’s kind of the reason I got into this business. Ha ha! You said words. Now, is it true you stay in character between takes? Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. It’s been great. Diane, looking good. – Um, thanks. – Ugh, not you. I was talking to Diane. Oh, thank you. Now, where’s my peanut butter? Right over here, Q. No, I’m looking for peanut butter. Oh, you mean BoJack? If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack. Did someone call for BoJack? It really cuts down on confusion. Ah, show business, the great equalizer. Is that what it is? Todd, spritz me. – Spritzing. – Mm, mm, mm. Well spritzed. Have you ever been on a movie set before? No, sir, Mr. Peanutbutter. Please, Mr. Peanutbutter was my father’s name. – Uh – And it’s also my name! Ooh, speaking of Mr. Peanutbutter, I’ll be back in a jiff, skippy. Keep that air spritzed for me. Aloha, kemosabe. Hey, allow me to put on my producer hat and produce you just for one second here. I have a few notes on how you’re playing me. Let’s see. Problems, problems, problems, ah, here we go. I find it really troubling that my movie self is wearing a crew neck T-shirt. I only wear V-necks. You see the problem. – I do not. – I just think if we’re telling the story, we should tell it how it really happened. Yeah, this whole story isn’t how it really happened. Right because of the shirts. Because I’m the one who stole the D. I’m the real hero here. My life is full of exciting adventures. I should write a book. Oh, wait. I did. Suck on that, society. Hey, you’re in a mood. Perhaps the tightness of that crew neck is cutting off circulation to the brain? Let me talk to Donna in wardrobe. We’re gonna fix this, buddy. Donna! What are you doing? I’m just trying to get inside my character, which is you. Is this how we move our arms? We’re so weird. Is this really necessary? Is this really necessary? That’s not what I sound like. That’s not mut mi sound mike. Hey, what’s it been like since we got married? Is it everything we dreamed of since we were little? When I was little, I dreamed of getting a MacArthur grant for my ’zine about how all the girls at school were bitches. – Oh. – Look, the wedding was great. But that’s not real life. I mean, I guess I got a happy ending, but every happy ending has the day after the happy ending, right? And the day after that. So the wedding was so much fun. It was the happiest day of my life. But, you know, what does that say about all the days I have left? Whoa. We’re such a Zoe. Oh, Todd, glad you’re here. Hold this. Todd, my jacket is on the floor. You’re supposed to hold the jacket so it doesn’t go on the floor. Hey, sorry, BoJack I mean, uh, Mr. Peanutbutter. But I work for Mr. Peanutbutter now. – I mean, uh, Mr. Peanutbutter. – Ugh. I can’t believe I’m on a movie set, you know? I mean, this is my first chance to work on something big since my rock opera fell apart. Man, I really messed up that huge career opportunity all on my own, didn’t I? Uh Nothing sabotaged me one bit. Yep. You said it. Well, see you later. Where can I grab a nosh? Oh, craft services is in the kitchen. Up the driveway, through the living room, make a left. – Can’t miss it. – I’m gonna grab a quick bite. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. Okay, fellas, here’s the thing about the story. I don’t buy it. It’s like something’s missing, but I can’t put any of my fingers on it. Um, maybe once we add the music The music? Are you kidding me? Music? You’re fired. What dumb shit brought this dumb shit? Okay, you’re fired too. Oh, okay. Anyone else got any bright ideas? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey, maybe it make it more Diane-y? – Um, excuse me? – I don’t know. This is probably stupid, but the whole story’s about how this guy’s in love with this lady, right? But we don’t even know who she is or what she wants. I mean, maybe give her more lines or words or, I don’t know, feelings or whatever? What? He’s new. He doesn’t know the rules. Forgive him, mighty Caesar. Yes. Yeah. I love you. Who is this kid? You’re a genius. – I’m gonna kiss your face. – What? Oh! Come back to my web. Let’s talk about Diane’s feelings and make this baby sing. Hey, Todd, talk to him about the wardrobe, specifically the top half of the wardrobe, specifically the shirt part of the top half of the wardrobe, specifically the neck part of the shirt part of the wardrobe. Ugh. What now? I’m sick of this dog and pony show. The movie is dumb. Mr. Peanutbutter is annoying the shit out of me, and there’s too much honeydew in the fruit bowl. Blech. Honeydew is garbage fruit. Also, why is BoJack being played by an old, nebbishy five-foot-tall bald guy? Is that how the world sees me? Oh, I see. So I can play Vanya on 42nd Street, but I’m not a deft-enough talent to capture the essence of the elusive BoJack Horseman. So sorry to offend you, sir. I’m just glad my book’s coming out soon so people will get an opportunity to see the real BoJack Horseman. Oh, are you coming out with a book? You never mentioned it. Plus, Todd’s being super weird. I think he’s onto me. Onto you in regards to what? Oh, right, I didn’t tell you. I sabotaged his rock opera by getting him readdicted to a video game because I didn’t want him to move out. Jesus Christ, BoJack. Anyway, I think he knows and might be plotting to sabotage me back. Why is it that 90% of our conversations these days revolve around plotting sabotages? Are you saying I should plot a countersabotage? No, no more plotting. Just be a good soldier and do your job. Nobody is out to get you. Have you seen the new draft? They took it all off you and put it on me. What? Apparently some dickweed named Todd decided I should be three-dimensional and you should have no lines. Ugh. Isn’t this town sick of creating three-dimensional roles for women? This happens to me all the time! A.O. Scott is sick of talking about how brilliant I am. Todd. I guess what I’ve been saying for the last seven uninterrupted minutes is, how can I forgive my father if I can’t forgive myself? True dat. But none of that matters, because we bring out the best in each other. I’m the chocolate, and you’re Mr. Peanutbutter! – True dat. – Mwah! Cut! Amazing. This is the movie that I wanted to make. This is gonna be great. – Oh, my God, I’m so – Ugh, what kind of idiot puts food on top of a hill? Hey, so I guess now that the movie’s all about Diane, I really need to dig deep and get to know the real you. So let’s talk and talk and talk until I am you and you are nothing but a hollowed-out husk of your former self and every thought and every feeling you ever had belongs to me and me alone. So do we like Sprite, or are we more of a 7-Up girl? Uh, that all sounds great. But, you know, the person you should really be talking to is that guy. – Yeah, okay, I’m done. – Diane loves talking to him. They have great rapport. In fact, Diane could spend all day talking to him and never talk to me again. Oh, I get it, because Diane doesn’t talk to Diane. – Diane talks to – Anybody else. Hey, Todd, remember that time when you wouldn’t clean up your shit? That was hilarious. – We’ve had some good times. – Oh. Hi. So I was thinking, I have some pretty sloppy seconds left over from P.F. Chang’s in the fridge, and I don’t think that I want it anymore. Maybe tonight you could eat it. Friendly gesture because we’re friends. – Uh – Oh-oh, there’s my guy. I heard you had a few more thoughts about the script. I do. I was just thinking, what if we made the BoJack character into a real shithead? – Is that really necessary? – I don’t think it’s necessary. Yeah, let’s Let’s make him be a real selfish asshole so the audience has someone to root against. You’re probably right. Let’s take another swing at the script and give BoJack more to do. Now, when you say, “Give BoJack more to do” Not now, Mr. Peanutbutter. And also, now that I’m thinking about it, why does the movie have to take place on Earth? You are blowing my head. – I hope you like Oscars. – Honeydew? More like, “Honey, do I enjoy eating it? Yes, I do.” Right? Not right, and I would love to go through all the reasons why, but I’ve got bigger concerns right now. – Honeydew, go on. – Did you notice that the Mr. Peanutbutter part has been cut in half? – What is happening to our movie? – I thought you hated the movie. Yeah, I do, but if I’m gonna be in a dumb movie I hate that makes no sense, I should at least be the star of it. Look, I agree that this movie has really lost its way. I mean, first of all, why would Mr. Peanutbutter wear a crew neck T-shirt? And second of all, uh It’s just the shirt, isn’t it? It doesn’t make sense. I’m a V-neck man. A V you can put your sunglasses in. Can you do that with a crew neck? Because I’d like to see you tr Whoa. Bagel. Thanks so much for running this scene with me. I have so many lines to learn. Yeah, well, most of my lines are, “True dat,” but I guess it never hurts to practice. The citizens of Planet D want their king back. But I’m more concerned with getting my self-esteem back after being in the shadow of powerful men for so long. True dat. Is it just me, or is this movie kind of flying off the rails? Well, I don’t want to overuse my catchphrase here, but true dat. This is so typical. I just wanted to do something light and fun to distract me from the deep well of sadness that is my life. You probably wouldn’t understand. Oh, puh-lease. I’m so deep down a well of sadness that Baby Jessica is like, “Damn.” Shut up and kiss me, you miserable goof. What? Oh. Okay. Mwah. Pop this in a drawer. Huh? This is good, baby. Oh, this is amazing. Naomi, I haven’t felt like this since No, no, shh, shh, shh! Call me Diane. Okay, got my bagel. Now back to work. Hey, guys. Hey, guys! Wow, wow. So you guys really hit it off, huh? That’s awesome. Want to do some hand stuff in the bathroom before we go down to set? You read my mind. Now, kiss me some sour cream. Hey, so I finished the book and sent the draft to the publishers. What? My book is ready? Let me read it. Can I read it? Call Pinky. He’ll probably send you a copy as soon as he’s done with it. All right! You hang tight, baby. I got an instant classic to read. Keep the engine running, though, because if I know me, this book is gonna give me a pretty big erection. Okay, enjoy! Keep an open mind. You’ll love it. It’s a work in progress. Hello. Penguin Publishing. Unless this is that loan shark, in which case, Johnny’s House of Noodles. May I interest you in our bento lunch box? Pinky, it’s me. Let me read the book. Give me, give me, give me. Okay, okay, now, I should warn you, it’s not quite what we expected, but it is good. I’m telling you, this could really sell. I might actually get to see my kids again. Great. Send it over. I’ll read it right now. All right, I sent it, but just remember To set my expectations sky-high? Way ahead of you. All right, book, let’s see what you got. BoJack, this is you. One Trick Pony? “The first time I met BoJack Horseman, he was puking cotton candy off the deck of his lavish house in the Hills, the lights of the city twinkling below us. The Make-A-Wish kids will not soon forget the time the great BoJack Horseman referred to their parents as ‘a bunch of used jizz bags.’ He filled the air with words, terrified of silence, as one often is who is smart enough to recognize his many personal failings but unwilling or unable to take the steps required to fix them. Got out of the car, stepped out toward the coast, and looked across the water, and for a moment, he said nothing.” What the shit was that? What the shit is this? It’s a phone. Well, a tiny computer, really. I mean, amazing what technology can You were supposed to ghostwrite my memoir, but instead you wrote a story about how you spent six months with me and saw what a big, dumb loser I am. Well, I realized that the best way to fully capture you, warts and all This isn’t warts and all. It’s just warts. Where’s the all? I come off like a total asshole. You come off as complex and deeply troubled but ultimately sympathetic. You might be too close to see that. There’s an entire chapter about me eating apple fritters. You did go through that fritter phase. Is this book how you see me? That day we ran errands together, I thought that we had a really good time, but you just wrote about how I cried because the dry cleaner took my head shot down. You were very emotional. They didn’t even replace me with anyone. Now it’s just a faded spot where my face used to be. This will actually do wonders for your career. Trust me. I mean, you’re just a dumb actor who doesn’t know anything about books, right? What? Remember? From before? Oh, I don’t think you understand what’s happening here. This is not a casual conversation between friends. This is your boss telling his employee that she did a bad job. – Try again. – What? Start over, but do it right this time. Nobody is ever gonna see this. Ugh! Diane? Hey, Wayne, you still work for BuzzFeed? Um, yes. ’Cause I got something that’s gonna get you a shit-ton of hearts or digs or smileys or whatever the hell you measure your journalism with. Curses! My evil plan has been defeated, but I’ll be back. You haven’t heard the last of Evil Emperor BoJackitron Horsemaniac. Oh, no! You shot a laser at me! Oh, no! I’m dying. Oh, no, I’m dead. And so now that we’ve escaped the evil clutches of the emperor, I’m free to assume my natural form, an all-knowing floating orb of light? True dat. Cut, cut. Come on, guys, this is ridiculous. Is this even a movie anymore? Oh, maybe it isn’t a movie. Yeah, maybe it’s an immersive smartphone app or a 21st-century approach to Yeah, or maybe it’s just, like, a feeling, you know? – We’ve got work to do. – Yeah, yeah. – Oh, my God, this is so good. – Oh, this is gonna be awesome. Yes! Go, Todd. Hello? Are you just gonna leave me like this? Anyone? Ah! Oh, good. You’re here. Oh, hi, BoJack. This whole day’s been a shit show. The book turned out to be a total hatchet job. The movie’s a disaster. But thank God I have one good thing in my life, and that’s you. BoJack, I Please let me say this before I lose my nerve. I spent 50 years roaming the countryside as a wild stallion, but I am tired of the rodeo, and I’m finally ready to saddle up. BoJack I guess what I’m trying to say is, this mustang wants to rest his head in the comforts of your spacious barn. Uh, what? I’m in love with you, Naomi. BoJack, they fired me and replaced me with a ball on a stick. I’m so sorry. But look at the bright side. Now you and I can just hang out and talk about feelings. No, but you’re not getting it. Boys never get it. BoJack, I was in character as Diane, and as Diane, we had a real connection. But now that I’m off the movie, I’m Naomi again, and Naomi is not interested in BoJack Horseman. In fact, she thinks he’s kind of gross. So I didn’t fall in love with Naomi Watts? No. You fell in love with Diane. Naomi what? Good-bye, BoJack. Ugh. See? Nothing. What’s going on? Why are they packing up? Oh, glad you’re here. This is exciting. Since we last talked, this film has gone through – so many permutations. – So many. First, we reimagined the whole film as an interactive social-media experience. Those are the dumbest words I’ve ever heard. I know. So we realized it was actually more of a floating art installation, but that didn’t feel right either. We thought, is it a high-end perfume? A series of interrelated fortune cookies? A hat that if you turn it upside down, it’s a boat? – No, it’s none of those things. – Exactly. That’s why we finally settled on this. VoilÃ ! What am I looking at? It is a bimonthly curated box of snacks. I don’t know what that means. I know. It’s confusing. Not the bimonthly that means twice a month, the bimonthly that means every other month, and each time it’s a different box of snacks. This is the future of cinema. You guys, finally, my story has been told. Okay, that’s a wrap, everyone. Thanks for making this box of snacks a reality. Let’s go home. What the hell happened to the movie? Shit, there were snacks here the whole time? Not bad. – Whoa! – Look, I get it. You destroyed my big chance at a comeback as revenge for what I did to your rock opera. Revenge? Oh, that would have been such a good idea. Damn it, Todd! Look, I figured out what you did, but I’ve been trying to put it behind me and do my job. So cutting my part down was not about revenge? No. And making BoJack the villain of your movie was not a coded statement of your feelings about me? No. Oh, okay, great. Well, I’m I’m glad we buried the hatchet and everything’s cool. Uh, actually, you know, everything is not cool. You ruined my rock opera by using character actress Margo Martindale to trick me into playing an addictive video game. And saying it all together like that, it all sounds kind of ludicrous. But still, it was something I cared about, and what you did really hurt me. Oh. Well, this feels shitty. You sure you don’t want to just get some revenge real quick thump me once in the stones and then we’ll be even? I got to go. I’ve got some artisanal popcorns to gauge the mouthfeel of. – Hey, BoJack. – Yeah? You want an apple fritter? Uh, sure. Yeah, I bet you would. I bet you’d like an apple fritter. Yeah, an apple fritter would be great. Why? What What What’s happening here? “Five Shocking Facts From New BoJack Book”? No. No! Um, everyone, please turn off your Internet. It has gone bad. I repeat, the Internet has gone foul. – What a loser. – I’m glad I’m not that guy. Give me your phones. I’m a celebrity. You have to listen to me. Look at his deep well of sadness. It’s hilarious. Don’t look at me. I’m well-adjusted. You all want my life. Uh, what the hell? I know, I know. But if you just listen for You posted your dumb little book on the Internet. No, I just leaked the first couple chapters, and people are already talking about it. This is wildly unprofessional. Who do you think you are? I know you’re mad, and you have every right to be, but you got to read some of these comments. People love you. And they’re gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book. – Your book? – Our book. Nobody is gonna read that book. How do you still not get that? It is never going to be published. BoJack, I stand by my work. This is a really good book. And if you just give it time, you’ll see. Maybe you’re right. Really? No. You’re fired. Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the horse – BoJack BoJack the horse Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 2 1 Brand New Couch (26 min) This is from BoJack H. BoJack is nine years old. “When I grow up, I want to be like you. I’m on the right track. Get it? Track? Because horses run on tracks and you are a horse. And I am a horse. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track?” – There’s a whole page of this. – Should I write him, tell him I get it? He goes on. “My question for you is: I am a good kid and I like to play, and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad?” Oh, big stud, running off to gallivant with your fillies. Is that to impress me? I can smash a dinner plate, too. That’s a salad plate. I thought these were salad plates. – Those are saucers. – Why do we even have saucers? We don’t drink tea. Those saucers are for entertaining! Oh, yeah? Well, I’m exit-taining. Do you get it? But, uh, seriously, folks. Right? Don’t sit so close to the TV, it’ll make you cruel. You know, I was beautiful – before I got pregnant. – I know. – You ruined me, BoJack. – I know. You better grow up to be something great to make up for all the damage you’ve done. I will. and I just kept running. BoJack Okay, enough me being a great mom. I’m gonna go hide your father’s heart medication. Enjoy your dumb little TV show. The first thing is, you gotta believe that change is possible. You have to tell yourself every day: “I can change and I will change.” – I can change and I will change. – Louder. I can change and I will change. – Still can’t hear you. – You’re an audiobook. “I’ve got a new attitude.” That’s what your face should be saying to everyone you pass on the street. We call that the PANTS approach. P-A-N-T-S. People all need to see. People all need to see. Yeah, a little to the right. No, house right. That’s an acting term. It means left. I’m an actor. No. – BoJack, why did I wake up in an alley? – I had to get rid of the old couch, Todd. While I was sleeping on it? The couch was a metaphor for my old attitude. My audiobook told me I had to let go of the burdens of my life sofa. Oh, you know what? Maybe it was “my life so far.” I feel like you could’ve woken me up first. Todd, no one can wake anybody else up. You need to wake yourself up. I don’t know if I trust this new guy. I’m just gonna go sleep in your car. – Uh-oh. I think someone needs a FAB. – A FAB? FAB, stands for fresh active BNA. – BNA? – Brand-new attitude. Try to keep up. ATTITUDE stands for attention to– Did you also get rid of my stuff? Where’s my duffel bag? I value you. Hashtag “thank you for being a friend.” Hashtag “PANTS.” You got to conquer that hill. The hill is a metaphor. Everything is a metaphor. – You are literally a metaphor. – Oh, my God. Oh, my God, this is the worst. This feels awful. Why does anybody run? On your right. And she had no idea that her boyfriend was the strangler. I guess some people just see what they wanna see, right, Vincent? Um – Yeah. – Hey, Princess Carolyn. I gotta go. One of my dumb-ass clients is here. Just out for a jog, thought I’d say hello. I jog now. You jogged here from Laurel Canyon? I drove, but I moved my arm a bunch, so the Fitbit counted the miles. Uh, someone named BoJark Hoseman is here? – Thank you, Stuart. – Also, your coffee is coming late. – Just like you ordered. – I said “latte.” Ah. Well, I wrote down “late,” so that’s what it’s gonna be. – What happened to Laura? – Assistants are like Belushi brothers. Good ones leave too soon, bad ones never go away. It’s a beautiful day, though, right? Every morning is a miracle. Hashtag “miracle.” Hashtag “every morning.” Hashtag “every morning is a miracle.” Hashtag “BoJack thoughts.” I’m glad you found your bliss, but are you ready for your first day on set tomorrow? You mean, am I amped? Because I am so pumped. This Secretariat movie is a big deal. Please do not blow it. Why would I blow it? I have a brand-new attitude. You know, when I won that Golden Globe last month, I went to a very dark place. I was in a hole. And I realized, “I can wallow in this hole or I can change.” While I was tempted to go with the former, sometimes the only way out of a hole is a latter. – No pun intended. – You clearly intended that pun. Princess Carolyn, you gotta believe in the AHP of TPE. Huh. – Uh-uh. I’m not asking. – The awesome healing power– – I am not asking. – –of total positive energy. You should leave because I’m about to pretend to get a phone call. Hello? No, he’s still here. – No, he’s not taking the hint somehow. – Mm-hm. Honey, where’s my bandana? You chewed it up, we had to throw it away, remember? No, not that one. The one with the bones on it. With the meat juice stains? The one I wore to the Emmys. I don’t know. I gotta go. BoJack’s gonna be here any minute. Did you check the hall closet? I can’t see anything in this stupid thing. I know, Mr. Peanutbutter. But you gotta keep it on for one more week. I look like an idiot. You look very responsible. Is the bandana doing anything? Hey, work buddy, first day on the job, huh? Hashtag “great day to start fresh at a new job, sincerely, BoJack.” – @Diane. – Can’t believe you wanted to carpool. – Gotta save the planet, Diane. – Hey, is that BoJack Horseman? I don’t know because I have no peripheral vision. Going off of smell here. Mr. Peanutbutter, how the hell are you? – Loving it, buddy. Loving life. – Brother, I am right there with you. I got a brand-new attitude and I am also loving life. Uh Diane, look at us. A couple life-lovers over here. – Uh – Is that a new cone? Looking sharp, PB. It is a new cone. Is it obvious I’m wearing a cone? Didn’t notice. You’ve got the smile of a winner. – What’s going on? – I have to wear the cone so I don’t gnaw on the stitches I had to get when I punched a mirror last week. I got drunk and thought my reflection was another dog. I was so mad at that other dog. He was wearing my clothes. – We’ve all been there. – I don’t understand what’s happening. Did someone say something to the left? Diane, is that you? Hey, why don’t we just us two schedj a hang for this ‘kend? “‘Kend” is how I say weekend now. Uh, I love that. And I got a pair of tix to the ’Stones show this ’kend. – Wanna go? – The Rolling Stones? What? Oh, no, no, no. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I’m not really familiar with that outfit, but I do love trying new things. – Who are you? – Anyway, we gotta get to work. It was really great talking to you, Mr. Peanutbutter. All right, break a leg, good buddy. Diane, BoJack’s ready to go. Where are you, sweetheart? Are you ready? The house is a metaphor for a home. Happiness is a metaphor for change. Happiness is a metaphor– – Where are we going? – Oh, my God. BoJack, this is Corduroy Jackson-Jackson, your costar. – Hey, man. – Corduroy Jackson-Jackson. Oh, right, the underwear guy. Underwear model/actor/dancer/dreamer. Also, you know, I’m a huge fan. I’m so excited/amped/pumped to be working with you. Yeah. Hey, man, that’s fantastic/great/I-ran-out-of-things. – Hi. Kelsey Jannings? – That depends. – Are you my ex-wife’s lawyer? – I’m Diane. I’m here to be a character consultant. – What? – I got a call from the studio. Okay. Why don’t you stand over there and make sure no one trips over that cable? – This cable? – Do you have a thousand dollars? – What? – Because each minute I spend talking to you, that’s how much money I’m wasting. – Oh. Sorry. – Hey, who’s this guy? – Who let this guy in? – I just– He’s got a funny face. I like your face. – Thank you. – What a cute funny face. Cookie? Can someone get this guy a cookie? He’s got a soothing face and I like looking at it. – Like a Matisse painting. – Whoa. Guys, could I get everyone’s attention, please? Oh, watch out for the cable. Don’t trip over the cable. I just want everyone to know what an honor it is to be here. Secretariat has always been a personal hero of mine. A complex role that requires a precise touch and a deft hand and I just can’t wait to tackle it head-on. It’s truly an honor. Namaste. Neat. So, in this scene, Secretariat’s at his lowest. He just lost his first race, his father was sent to the glue factory. It’s a dark moment. – You got it. – Scene 22 alpha, take one. – Action! – Hey, Secretariat. What are you doing here? – Hello? – Diane! I can’t tell you how disappointed I am you’re not here with me in Northern Cordovia. I’m incredibly disappointed. Boo! I didn’t think I could do it, but I did it. I’m amazing. Sebastian, I know you’re doing important work. I couldn’t just drop everything and fly to the Third World. – I just got married, and– – Diane. People are dying, and I’m witnessing it. And I need people to witness me witnessing it. I know, and I’ll be there in three months, as soon as I’m done on the movie. This is also important. In a way. Well, lucky for you, there’ll still be just as much famine and war and devastation in three months. I’m not dead yet. – Yep. Lucky me. – We’re still rolling, people. So, BoJack, in this scene, Secretariat is sad, right? Afraid he’s gonna lose his scholarship. Oh, sure. Yeah, sad. Of course. Duh. Okay, here we go. Action. Hey, Secretariat. What are you doing here? That was bad. I know that was bad. Let’s keep it rolling. – I’ll say when to keep rolling. – Okay. What are you doing here? Did we get it? I can tell by your face that we didn’t. All right, let me try again. What are you doing–? I am having trouble with the words. Is it okay if I play around with it a bit? When did you get here? Sorry, no. Got it. Got it. Got it. Man, these lights are bright, huh? Can we kill these lights at all? Is that a–? – No. – Okay, I’m sad. I’m sad. Acting sad. Secretariat is sad. Okay, here we go. I’m sad! Sorry, what was the line? I don’t know if this helps or not, but when Secretariat was a kid – he actually– – Aah! – My face! – Hey, hey. – Whoa, whoa! – Oh, my God. – Watch out! – Hey. Whoa, whoa! Oh, my God. My face. My beautiful face. Why didn’t someone tell me not to trip over that cable? It was such an important job, but no one was there to do it and now my face is in ruins. We’re gonna need a couple of days to rebuild this set. So, let’s all just use this time to regroup and really figure out what we’re doing and why we’re here. So, let me get this straight. Bad means good? Maybe you should leave the teen-talk to me. Jeezy Kableezy. Well, it wasn’t Ibsen. That’s your takeaway? That your son’s TV show wasn’t Ibsen? I’m sorry. Did you need a compliment? Oh, I loved the part where you got your head caught in the banister. – Yeah– – And what’s this letter I have? It’s from the government saying, “I’m proud of you.” – Are you–? – No, what I’m holding is nothing. Can you check on our drinks? I would love some gin. I wouldn’t drink anything out of an open container. This town is full of AIDS. – That’s not– – You’re a clown, you know that? You’ve always been a pillar of support. Gin, please? Is there gin coming? I’m here, aren’t I? I suffered through that ordeal. You know, the man sitting next to me was wearing a T-shirt? A T-shirt, BoJack, in the theater. Yes, a T-shirt. Worst thing that’s happened to anyone in a theater. – The T-shirt told me to “just do it.” – Here we go. I don’t know to what “it” the T-shirt referred but I won’t be spoken to in that tone by an article of clothing. Vodka? Triple sec? Looking for any alcohol. You don’t know how lucky you are. I hope you die before I do so you never know what it’s like to lose a mother. As long as one of us dies, that’s good enough. Can we please get some alcohol into my mouth? The past is past. That’s why it’s called the past. Tomorrow is an opportunity. You can be big and proud and bang on your tom-tom drum or you can get in your boat and row. Tom or row. Tomorrow. – Hey, do you wanna talk? – Talk? Why? Why would we do that? So you can put everything in a book and sell a million copies? Wow. Uh That’s what the old me would have said. The new me doesn’t hold a grudge. – No. – I gotta say, the new you seems a little on edge. What? Me? I’m as cool as The Fonz in a meat locker. That’s a metaphor, Diane. – It’s a simile. – Goddamn it. Oh, okay. Hello? Small talk, small talk, small talk. Are you blowing it? – I heard you’re blowing it. – What? Who told you that? Was it Todd? You gotta turn this ship around, BoJ. If you don’t– Hey, can you hold on a second? I’m getting another call. Well, if it isn’t my friend, Rutabaga, the boy prince of the 26th floor. Carolyn. How are things all the way up on 27? Stomp once for good, twice for killing it. Killing Give me some gossip. My wife is making me go to the opera tonight. I need something to distract me from the thought of D-bags singing songs in German about their boners. Okay, you gotta keep this close to the vest but I am inches from getting Emily VanCamp the lead in Goose Van Sant’s new movie about Jackie O. My clients would f-l-ip if I got them parts like that. You’re killing it in the department of kicking ass in regards to you being an agent and being good at it, crushing it. You’re not so bad yourself, Rutabaga, for a 26er. You’re the only one in this building who isn’t a total snooze-cooze. Yes, Natasha, I’m talking about you. I know you’re listening. Ugh. I gotta go. I made Natasha cry. I don’t think she’s coming back. Could we keep it down in the front, please? – Thank you. – What am I gonna do? Well, you were an actor for nine years on Horsin’ Around. How did you do that? Uh – Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? – Of course, buddy. I always have time for you, my good friend BoJack in this, the year 1988. Have a seat. Hey, enough with the stomping already! – Am I– Am I a clown? – Oh, brother. Didn’t I tell you not to invite your mom to the taping? As Max Headroom would say,”Your m-m-mom is a b-b-bitch.” But I am a good actor, right? BJ, I don’t know. Look– You know what you’re good at? Hitting your mark, saying your lines, loudly with good diction. Should I be doing more? To capture the character – and make the audience connect? – This is a situation comedy. No one watches this show to feel feelings. Life is depressing enough already. You bring joy to millions of people. Maybe someday later, you’ll need to learn how to act for real. But for now, don’t worry about it. Oh, shit. I’m not an actor. All this time, I assumed there was more to me than everyone thought but maybe there isn’t. That’s the part where you’re supposed to disagree with me. Oh, right. Well, you got the part, didn’t you? What did you do in the audition? Well, how should I know? That was the old me. Now I’ve got a brand-new attitude. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. What should I do? Make a break for it? Drive to Mexico? Start a new life there? Meet a local girl? Fall in love? Talk my way into a job at a textile plant? Work my way up until I own the place? What am I talking about? I can’t run a textile plant. Too much responsibility. What am I gonna do? The walls are closing in! BoJack, breathe. You can do this. You have two days. Maybe you could hire an acting coach. – Yeah? – Yeah. Plus, you can watch old Secretariat videos. I’ve got a hard drive full of research. Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. You’re right. I can do this. I’ve got two whole days. And when the pressure’s on, that’s when I shine. Yeah. Two days. I can do all those things. Oh, shit. I didn’t do any of those things. – What are you doing here? – Ah! That was it. Say that again. What are you doing here? – Okay. – No? BoJack, before we get started – I wanted to show you this. – What? This is the machine that’s gonna make you a good actor. – Really? – No. We need to make a scan of your face so that if you die, we can finish the movie. Standard procedure. When a star is assessed to be of a certain liability, like if there was a whole book written about what a reckless jackass he is, you make a digital replica so you’re not screwed if he goes all Belushi on you. – Wait, which Belushi? – Hold still, please. – Terrific. We got it. – One day, that’s gonna be the job. Sit for five seconds while a machine scans his face. Six months later, plugging a movie on Kimmel. I gotta go on Kimmel now? What if he makes me read a mean tweet? I’m not emotionally prepared. Don’t worry so much. If you can’t do this part we’ll just fire you and get someone else who can. Either way, I’ll be fine. What do you need, BoJack? I don’t know. I thought I wanted this, but now I’m feeling all this pressure. – Think you made a mistake, hiring me? – I don’t make mistakes, BoJack. I do the crossword in Sharpie, I never learned the shortcut for undo. – Command-Z. – Don’t need it, won’t use it. I’m trying to have this new attitude, be this better, more positive guy. I keep thinking about how this movie is my last shot at happiness. Well, BoJack, I hope this helps: I don’t care if you are happy or not. You have a job to do. This guy again? I’m in love with this kid. I wanna put you in my pocket. – You’re adorable. – Aw. – Hey, Diane, you’re a writer, aren’t you? – Yes. Yes. I am a writer. What do you need? Can you write on a sign “watch out for cable”? You were telling people, but it’s a really important job and a sign is less likely to get distracted. Oh. Yeah. Okay. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? – What are you doing here? – So, I went a little overboard and I made you two mixes. The first CD is all Mighty Mighty. The second CD is all of the Bosstones’ side projects and solo singles. Listen to it and imagine the band never took that hiatus in the mid-aughts when America briefly lost interest in ska. I don’t have time. I don’t wanna listen to your music. I don’t wanna hang out. Get out of here. All right. You don’t wanna listen to Bosstones together. That’s the impression that I get. – Is it the impression that I get? – Yes. That’s the impression that you get. I see. Way to go, Mr. Peanutbutter. What a stupid move. Why did you–? BoJack, listen, I know you’re scared, but it’s gonna be okay. – You gotta be strong. – Yeah, but– You gotta rise to the occasion, okay? So what if the new couch is weird? – Or lumpy? – Uh, what? What are you gonna do? Just sleep in BoJack’s car forever? – Are you talking to me, or you–? – Damn it, time to stop being a coward. It’s time to go home and sleep on BoJack’s couch. Hurray! Happy ending for Todd! Charley Witherspoon, 28th floor agent. Charley. Listen, I wanted to touch base about Emily’s start date on Jackie O. Oh, yeah. Uh Well, we got some new screen tests and, uh, Goose decided to go in a different direction. Are you saying the Van Sant camp wants to recant on VanCamp? Because they can’t. Uh Charley, you better get your client to change his mind – or I’ll walk up to the 28th floor and– – Just kidding. – I can’t get to the phone right now. – What? This is one of those answering machines that sounds like it’s Charley talking but it’s actually just an answering machine. – I know you’re there, Charley. – Leave a message. – I’m not gonna leave a message. – Beep. Hey, Charley, Princess Carolyn again. Listen– – Mailbox is full. – What? Mailbox full? – Error. Message deleted. – Wait– No– Gotta go. Bye. Carolyn. Rutabaga, this is not a good time. Okay. Can I please just tell you about the opera, though? – How did you like the opera? – I loved it. Loved Tristan, loved Isolde, cried like a bunny. Listen, my brain has been a-buzzing for the past few days thinking about that Jackie O movie. I know it’s your baby, but I did make a few calls and got my Rooney a screen test. I put that movie together for my client. No, no, no, don’t freak out. It’s just a screen test. But, honestly, how fantaj would my Rooney be as a young Jackie Bouv? Stomp once for so fantaj, twice for stupid-fantaj. Carolyn? I only heard one stomp. Oh. Carolyn, I heart you. You’re beautiful. I wish I met you before I got married. You can do it. Only you hold the keys to the house that is you. The house is at the top of a hill. The hill is also you. Five minutes, Mr. Horseman. When you get your new attitude, you’re gonna wave goodbye to the old– What do you want, Mom? Look who finally decided to pick up the phone. – Do you need more blood? – I don’t need blood. – I read your book, BoJack. – Oh. It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him. You know how I feel about Anne Frank. – That was a diary. – I read the parts about me. The things I said to you. You must think I’m a real monster. – Mom– – I don’t wanna fight you, BoJack. I just wanted to tell you I know. I know you wanna be happy, but you won’t be, and– – I’m sorry. – What? It’s not just you, you know. Your father and I, we– Well, you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside you. You were born broken, that’s your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects your books and your movies and your little girlfriends but it won’t make you whole. You’re BoJack Horseman. There’s no cure for that. Anyway, do you remember who directed The Philadelphia Story? Five letters, second letter U? – Lubitsch? – No, BoJack. Goodbye. You need to visualize it flying out the window, over the– What are you doing here? Great. We got it. Let’s move on. Boxer versus Raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 2 2 Yesterdayland So, at the end of the day, I’m just a regular guy trying to live a regular life. Remember that time you peed in Drew Barrymore’s car? Uh, yes, I remember that. Why do you remember that? It was in your book. -You should do that to someone here. -What? No. Well, anyway, I can’t believe I’m on a date with BoJack Horseman. I feel like that anonymous girl from Chapter 8 of your book mixed with the pluck and determination of that anonymous girl -from Chapter 12. -We don’t need to dwell on the past. Wait, shut up. Is this the restaurant you bought when you were trying to show up Mr. Peanutbutter? -Uh No. -Hey, this table’s a little wobbly. Want to yell at the waiter and make a scene? -No, I don’t need– -Come on, do that BoJack thing where you make a big deal and everyone laughs, but at the same time we relate, because you’re saying the things polite society won’t. That’s not– Ugh -Is everything all right over here? -No, everything is not all right. This table’s been wobbling all evening. If I wanted to flop around and get seasick for an hour, I’d call your mother. -Something in that area or? -Take me home now and don’t let me get out of bed until I turn horse-colored. -What are you doing? -Did you want me to stay? No, I wanted you to leave more quietly. Some of us here are trying to forget you exist. “Forget you exist.” Classic BoJack. Love it. – Oh, my God, are you Todd? – Uh, yes. “Shut up, Todd!” Aw, okay. Hey, Todd, can you drive me to get my car? I wanted to be responsible last night, so I Ubered home -and left my car in the fountain. -Sorry, BoJack. I gotta get ready for my grand opening. It’s finally happening. My Disneyland. I realize that by saying “what” I might set off a chain of events whereby we continue this conversation, but what? Well, remember when I first moved in and I kept asking -if we could go to Disneyland? -I do not. And then you said that there was no Disneyland. -No. -That Disneyland was a made-up lie, like the tooth fairy, that parents use to get their kids to behave. -Oh, yeah, that shut you up. -Sure did. But then I thought, why isn’t there a Disneyland? People would love it! So, I took matters into my own hands, and over the last five years, I built my own Disneyland. You’ve been doing this for five years? How have you never mentioned it? I bought that cheap plot of non-arable dirt by the toxic waste dump -up the hill from the old fire station. -Okay, Todd. -I’m gonna build a Disneyland. -Sounds great, champ. If it wasn’t for that, she never would’ve gotten sober. Just finished drawing up blueprints for that Disneyland I’m building. Kind of busy here, Todd. So, it turned out to be a good thing I peed in her car. Sorry for all the noise. Got this crew of worker bees to help me build my Disneyland. Okay, I get it. You are building your own Disneyland. -Literally the first I’m hearing of this. -Anyway, tomorrow we open the gates. Finally, people will have a place to go after they win the Super Bowl. But you do know that there already is a Disneyland? -Yeah, I built it. -No, I mean the real Disneyland. You mean, the one in the hearts and minds of children everywhere? -The one in Anaheim! -I think we’re saying the same thing. Are we? Well, I think it’s safe to take the cone off. I can do it for a small co-pay. Can’t say I’ll miss it, but we did have some crazy adventures together these last few weeks. Honey, would you rub my chin for me so I can remember things? Oh, um, okay. Uh Yeah, memories. Hey, where should we go for my first meal after the operation? It’s not an operation, but we could go to Storky’s again. Oh, yeah! We’re finally due for our free sub. “Storky’s, where your 81st sandwich is free.” We’ve been there 80 times? It just opened last month. Yeah, but you love it, so whenever you suggest it, I always say yes. Yeah, but 80 times? Well, that’ll be$6000. Good thing you’re getting a free sandwich, huh? What the? Huh?
Okay, you guys. You vultures are killing me! I’m sure he’s talking about
other vultures. Ah, the Valley. Because sometimes you wanna go where no
one knows your name. – BoJack Horseman! – Pinky? Hey, how are you? Oh,
great! -How’s the book biz? -Who knows? I jumped off that burning ship.
Print media? What a joke. Now I got a job in broadcast network
television, a booming industry with nowhere to go but up. Oh, God. -What
are you doing here? -Oh, my boss loves this place. Do you know Wanda
Pierce? Wanda just got named head of programming at MBN. We’re here to
celebrate. Well, that and she just woke up from a 30-year coma. Wait,
she just got out of a 30-year coma and she’s the head of programming at
a major broadcast network? She’s been with the company 30 years.
Everyone above her kept getting fired. Besides, she’s got some really
fresh ideas. I am really feeling The Kirk Cameron Show. I don’t even
need a pilot. Let’s just order 22 episodes. How about a new show where
celebrities try to guess whether or not people have talent? We’ll air it
three nights a week. Okay, what if we got relevant superstar David
Copperfield to make the World Trade Center disappear? I hate to be the
one to tell you this, but David Copperfield really isn’t a big draw
anymore. Actually, everything feels fresh if you just forget the last 30
years ever happened. Huh. And here’s a special request. I’ve never even
heard of this song, “Special Feeling.” Wanda, meet the one and only
BoJack Horseman. -Who? -BoJack. -Who? -BoJack Horseman. Is that name
supposed to mean something to me? -Do you want to go skate? -Nah. You
know what they say, you can lead a horse to roller, but you can’t make
him rink. -What? -That’s really funny. -You’re funny. -Really? Oh, my
God. You should be on TV, which, holy shit, they’re flat now. Actually,
I was on. You know what, I’m sick of talking about me. Let’s talk about
you. Next thing I know, I’m waking up from a 30-year coma. So, now I’m
sleeping on my sister’s couch, but it’s not ideal. She’s molting. You
know how sisters are. Oh, jeez, got a couple curly guys in here with the
regulars. How hard is it to look before they bring it out? -Excuse me,
miss? -I know, isn’t it cool? -Like we’re getting away with something.
-What? Don’t you love it when appetizers have a little crossover
episode? It’s like when you’re watching Happy Days and Mork shows up.
Oh, yeah, I guess. Or like when Kramer was on Murphy Brown. -Who? -Hey,
you want to get out of here? I don’t want MBN to just be another boring
old network, you know what I mean? -Yes, totally. -I want to take risks.
I want to swing for the fences, you know? Otherwise, what are we doing?
Oh, my God, is it morning? We stayed up all night talking, -and we
didn’t even have sex. -Well, it’s not too late. Oh! -That was fantastic.
-Oh, yes. Of course, I haven’t had sex in 30 years. I hope. -Something’s
wrong. -What is it? I don’t know, I feel weird, like I want to spend
more time with you -even though I know we just had sex. -Oh, okay. No,
you don’t understand. We already had sex, but I still want to spend time
with you. Is that normal? Am I normal? What is happening to me? We can
spend more time together. I want to do things with you. Fully clothed,
sober, in daylight hours. -Okay. -I don’t understand these feelings.
Let’s get food? Or walk in park? Or– Oh, God, it’s coming. I can’t stop
it. -Do you want to go to Disneyland? -Okay. Disneyland has a lot more
sparking wires and loose nails than I remember. Please hold your
questions until the end of the tour. Here we have Mr. Todd’s Wild
Death-Coaster. The name is a work in progress, but we wanted to work
“death” into the title for liability reasons. And this is Gabe Jr., the
Grease Fire of the Caribbean. -This is boring. I want to go home.
-Vincent, be nice! He’s a little cranky because he just got adult
braces. -You mean, braces. -Princess Carolyn, stop embarrassing me! Ugh.
And here we have Cinderella’s magical pile of used mattresses. Help! Is
it a good idea to keep all those mattresses -so close to an active
really negative. -Yeah, don’t be so negative, Diane. -What? -You know I
hate negativity. I mean, I don’t hate it because that’s also negative,
but you know. -Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. -Hey, buddy. This place is
amazing. It’s like some sort of Disney version of Knott’s Berry Farm.
Oh, that’s exactly what I was going for! I can’t wait to get involved
and really spray the old Mr. Peanutbutter scent on everything. Uh, I was
sort of thinking of this as kind of just my thing. Well, technically,
you did build this while working for P.B. Livin, so I have the
blah-blah-blah of first refusal or whatever. Oh, uh, okay. I mean,
that’s just good business. We’re in this together now, Todd, and nothing
will distract me from– Erica! You can’t be here. This place is filled
with children. Coach said he saw you headed to the visitor’s locker room
with a steel pipe. You really think I’m the guy who busted that pinto’s
leg? ’Cause if I am, you should be a lot more goddamn scared of me. Hey!
My girlfriend’s here. Look, everyone! I have a girlfriend! Sure. We’ll
cut there. The middle of your line is as good a place as any. -What are
you doing here? -Just wanted to stop by. We’re filming Hey, I Think You
Can Dance! next door. Look at you, all professional. Like Natalie
Portman in that movie where she was a professional. Who? People are
watching. Ugh. The first time BoJack dates a woman his own age, she’s
basically just a stunted 20-year-old. Well, BoJack’s stunted, too. He
got famous in his twenties, so he’ll be in his twenties forever. After
you get famous, you stop growing, you don’t have to. Every celebrity has
an age of stagnation. I’m glad I never got famous. I mean, I did write a
best-selling book, but I’m not famous-famous. It doesn’t just happen
when you get famous. Your age of stagnation is when you stop growing.
For most, it’s when they get married, settle into a routine. You meet
someone who loves you unconditionally and never challenges you or wants
you to change, and then you never change. But mostly it’s just the
famous people, right? Stella! Stella! Corona Light. This place is
incredible. I wanted to make you feel at home, and nothing was bigger in
the ’80s than ’50s nostalgia. It really feels like I’m back in the ’80s,
feeling like I’m back in the ’50s. It’s like if Back to the Future and
Peggy Sue Got Married got married. Okay, teenyboppers, let’s take things
back to the ’50s, ’50s style, with this classic ’50s hit that everybody
remembers: “I Just Met My Perfect Match.” Wanda, these last few days
have been so amazing. You’ve given me a fresh start. In fact, it almost
feels like I just woke up from a 30-year coma. I’m sorry, did you say
you just woke up from a 30-year coma? -Oh, no, not me. Her. -That’s
insane. I just woke up from a 30-year coma. Whoa! Sorry about that
needle skip, folks. Let’s start that song again from the beginning. I’m
Alex. -Wanda. -And I’m BoJack. It’s been really tough for me these last
few weeks. I’ve never seen Home Alone and everyone makes me feel like a
freak because of it. -You’ve never seen Home Alone? -I’ve never seen it!
-Also, I don’t really know what a DVR is. -Neither do I! -No one does.
It’s just a magic box. -Wanda, we have so much in common. Really it’s
just one thing. You can’t count each individual thing as a different
thing. That’s like saying I have a lot in common with Kanye West because
we both breathe air. Who? Jinx. Buy me a Coke Zero. What’s a Coke Zero?
I have no idea. We gotta hang out more. I didn’t know there was anyone
else like me. Give me your fax and pager number so I can add them to my
Rolodex. Tubular. I don’t trust that guy. I bet he’s seen Home Alone.
BoJack, I’m starting to lose the thread of your character. You think you
can drop the jealous boyfriend routine? It feels a little done. You’re
right, I’m sorry. Call me Snoop Dogg -because I will drop it like it’s
hot. -BoJack, I don’t– I got that one! Snoopy the dog. From “Peanuts.”
Okay. I got here as fast as I could. Where’s this next Haley Joel
Osment? -That was a lie to get you here. -Aw, fish. -There’s never a
next Haley Joel Osment. -And there never will be. Sorry I tricked you,
but with Todd running his own Disneyland and actress Margo Martindale in
prison for some reason I don’t remember, you’re the best friend I’ve
got. Now grab the binoculars. I need dirt on Wanda’s new gentleman
friend. No, BoJack. What’s the play here? You’ll find one little
imperfection and harp on it like you do with my boyfriend? You do
understand what my “thing” is with your boyfriend? You’ll just push her
into this other guy’s arms. Wanda likes you. Why ruin that? This is
Comrade Alexander calling KGB High Command. It’s been two weeks since I
woke up, and I still have not been contacted by my handlers. I am
awaiting orders to take down the American dogs and pigs and other
various animals and humans. Come in, KGB High Command. Slap my salami,
the guy’s a commie. Hey, what’s going on here? You’ve been served with a
cease-and-desist from my clients, the Walt Disney Company. I wanted to
make sure what we were doing here was 100 percent legal, -so I called a
lawyer. -Wait, what? As it turns out, it’s not legal at all. Who knew?
-Mr. Peanutbutter. -We’ll see you in court. -The food court?
-No. Regular court. Okay. But also I’m hungry, so I might just stop by
the food court first. Let the record show, this is the single dumbest
case I’ve ever adjudicated. -Mr. Chavez? -Okay. I’m just gonna throw
this out there. Is it possible maybe when the other guys tried to
copyright the name Disneyland, they wrote down something else by
mistake, so “Disneyland” is still up for grabs? Okay, well, let’s have a
look at the Articles of Incorporation to see if Walt Disney accidentally
trademarked the wrong name. I’m sure these– -What? -There’s a typo.
Di-isneyland. With two “i”s. That son of a gun trademarked the wrong
name. May I, counselor? D-I-I-S. This is unambiguous. -I find in favor
of the defendant. -Aw, shit. -You’re the defendant. -Aw, sweet! Your
Otter, this is a gross miscarriage of justice. Hooray! Gross
miscarriage! And that’s how I turned my dream into what I call “The
Happiest Place On Urf.” Urf is a made-up magical kingdom I added to the
Disney canon. -Americans, they like this theme park? -Oh, they love it.
It represents everything America stands for. Da. -I mean, yeah. -We did
it, buddy! Actually, I did it. I had the idea to build a park, I did all
the work and I beat the lawsuit. -Well, there’s no “i” in “team,” right?
-But there is an “i” in “Disneyland.” And unlike that other Disneyland,
this Disneyland only has one “i”. What are you saying? You’re not
welcome at my theme park anymore. There’s only room for one goofy dog
there and his name is Pluto. Todd, no. I’ve told the bees if they see
you to sting you on sight. You understand. It’s nothing personal. It’s
just good business. And that’s how we do business on Urf. -I don’t like
you like this. -I learned it from you. If I could get everyone’s
attention. You’re probably wondering why I invited you all here tonight.
You said it was to celebrate Todd’s legal victory. Right, but obviously,
I don’t care about that, so you’re probably wondering the real reason.
No, we just took you at face value. We have a special guest here
tonight. Alex. Or should I say “comrade”? -Why would you say “comrade”?
-Oh, I forgot to explain that part. Alex is a KGB agent bent on
destroying America. -It truly is a small world after all! -Alex, is that
true? Okay, yes. It’s true. I was a deep-cover KGB operative before I
went into my coma. I’ve been trying to contact my handler in Russia, but
I can’t reach him and I don’t know if I ever will. Aww! No! He’s– It’s
not adorable! He’s a soviet sleeper-agent who doesn’t realize the Cold
War is over. I felt totally alone in this world before I met Wanda. And
then I met all of you, my friends. But if you’re gonna kick me to the
curb just because I think you’re all capitalist swine and want to see
your way of life destroyed, well, so be it. -Or should I say, So-vi-et.
-Oh! Cute. Wordplay. -That’s not even good wordplay. -Wait, how did you
know all this? -BoJack, were you spying on him? -He is literally a spy
trying to destroy America, the country we all live in. How am I the bad
guy here? BoJack, I am really bumping on the whole you-not-liking-Alex
of it all. -You told me you were going to drop it. -Yeah, but– I don’t
care about Alex. I want to know what happened to the amazing guy I spent
the last few days with, because if this is who you are, I don’t think I
like it. Alex, would you take me back to my sister’s place? Sure thing,
Wanda. And I can get you there fast because I’m always Russian. Aww!
Seriously? I got here as fast as I could. Where’s the next Dakota Fa–?
Oh, I get what happened. Could you get me a beer from the fridge? I
didn’t want to stand up. Wait, no. I don’t deserve beer. You called me
all the way over here to not get you a beer? Why do I always do this? I
push away everyone I care about. Oh, do you? I never noticed that. Look,
sabotage yourself. That’s my problem. I’m too good at sabotage. -Why am
I so good at everything I do? -Hey, I got a crazy idea. How about you
just stop sulking and go win her back, dummy? You’re right. I gotta win
her back, put it all on the line. You know what? I think I will have
that beer, can you get it for me? -Why do I bother? -Hey, grab a beer
for yourself, too! Actually, I want both beers! -Wanda. -What do you
want, BoJack? There’s something I gotta say. When I was– -Todd! There’s
something I gotta say! -Hey, I’m kind of already doing– I never should
have tried to make your thing my thing! I just got excited and wanted to
smear Mr. Peanutbutter all over everything. I should have been
supporting you, like this support beam. -Or a different support beam.
-It’s my fault. The point of Disneyland isn’t to make money and win
lawsuits. But I forgot that. So, these two were so consumed by greed
that it destroyed them. You know, I came here today to blow up
Disneyland. -You what? -But now I realize, I don’t need to take down
capitalism. Capitalism sows the seeds for its own destruction. It’s a
snake that eats itself. It’s only a matter of time. Hey, buddy, let’s
just say we– Oh! Oh, no, no, no. No! Gabe Jr.! Quick, Todd! The mattress
Come on! -You gotta– Over the– -What is it, boy? What’s wrong? -Hey,
there’s trouble. -Did some kid fall down a well? No, no, no! Listen.
He’s trying to tell us a kid fell down a well. -Let’s go, go, go! Come
to talk. -But the fire. -I don’t care about that. Look, the great guy
you’ve been getting to know, that’s me. That other guy, the guy from the
party, that’s me too and you need to know that. I’m not perfect. I’m
cynical and I’m possessive and I can sometimes fly off the handle. I’m
not always the best at being not terrible. I gotta say, I’m not loving
this pitch so far. But I want to be better, I’m trying to be better. And
when I’m around you, for the first time in 30 years, I feel like I can
be. Wanda, you make me want to be a better man. Wow. That’s a great
line. -Did you just come up with that? -Yes. Hey, boys and girls, this
is your park DJ speaking. And as the Titanic’s band played on as the
ship sank, so too will I spin one last record as my DJ booth is engulfed
in flames. Hooray! Mr. Peanutbutter. -You saved me! -No. I saved us.
Woo-hoo! -I want to give this a real shot. -I don’t know, BoJack. I just
got out of my coma, and I don’t have time to waste if you’re still
figuring your shit out. Plus, it’s hard to think straight with this fire
everywhere. -Move in with me. -What? I know it feels fast. We barely
know each other. It’s crazy, but I like you. And sometimes you gotta
swing for the fences, right? -Okay. -Yeah? Yeah. Let’s move in together.
Let’s do it. It’s crazy, but let’s do it! Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman
(2014)
2 3 Still Broken I’m sorry I broke your expensive bachelor vase. Aww. That’s
all right. I’ve learned that when you’re in a loving family there’s
nothing wrong with a little horsin’ around. Cut! That’s the show, folks.
Now, let’s hear it for our amazing cast. Joelle. Bradley. Little Sarah
Lynn. And our star, BoJack Horseman! Thanks for coming out. Thank you
very much. –Wow! Great pilot. We got the biggest laugh I ever heard with
that “gag me with a spoon” joke. And then we topped it with the “get a
room” joke. This was so fun. Do we get to make more? I think we got a
real shot. And as long as the ratings don’t dip below a dismal 15
million a night, we could be on the air for many years. -No way! -All
right! -Your Squirt, sir. -Thank you. And if that happens, take care of
each other. No matter what, we’re going to stick together. Thank you,
Tina, for those touching grunts and growls. I’m Henry Winkler. You
probably remember me from my 2002 guest role Special Victims Unit.
-Whoo! -Thank you. But perhaps the greatest role I’ve ever played is
friend. Herb was a dear friend and I am honored to be dedicating this
bench in his memory. In his last days, Herb’s cancer had gone into
remission. He was full of hope. But on the drive home from the hospital,
his brakes gave out, he crashed into a truck full of peanuts. He
survived the crash, but he was allergic to peanuts. He died instantly.
Let us now read his final tweets. “I’m gonna live forever! Hashtag
‘cancer free.’ Hashtag ‘invincible.’ Hashtag ‘tweeting while driving.’
Oh, no, I think I’m gonna hit that truck. Hashtag ‘hopefully it isn’t
full of peanuts.’ Hashtag ‘Oh, no. It was full of peanuts.’” I was
wondering where you wandered off to. -Oh, shit. Hey. -Hey. I’m no good
with funerals. When I cry, it messes up my makeup and then I get really
bummed out. Yeah, same for me. Herb told me you came by the house last
summer. Yeah? Did he tell you anything else? No, we talked about cancer,
how hard it is living with cancer, about the L.A. Kings, and then back
he never forgave you and he tried to kick you out of the house and you
ended up wrestling on the floor over a telescope. -Oh, you did read that
part? -Yeah. I just wish there was something I could do. Okay, I gotta
go. Wait, I haven’t seen you in 30 years. You wanna go grab a cup of
vodka? I– I’m sorry, the funeral. I mean, a bottle of vodka? No. You
should stick around. Hey, maybe you’ll find that something you’re
looking for. But if you’re ever in New Mexico, drop me a line. New
Mexico? I thought you lived in Maine. I always pictured you there. A
little house by a lake? I was just there for, like, a month, -I live
outside Santa Fe now. -Oh. – Think everyone here read my book? – I
didn’t. Of course you didn’t. Shut up, Todd! Okay, you’re clearly in one
of your moods. I’m gonna go play astronaut in the trunk of your car for
the next few hours. Have fun being sad. Do you know what you’re supposed
to do with our date pits? Why serve dates and not have a place to put
the pits? You know, some people just have no class. What are you doing
here? You didn’t know Herb. No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this
funeral’s a real whom’s-whom. Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal,
that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes. I’m gonna go rub me
some elbows. There’s so much to hate about what you just said. Good
news. You know when someone dies, everyone wants to buy their shit?
You’re lucky you have a piece of Horsin’ Around, because this is where
money starts rolling in. I don’t want that. That’s blood money. Well,
what do you want me to do with it? It’s coming. I don’t know. Give it to
some orphans. -I can’t deal with this. -Oh, come on! You don’t think
Elton John was raking it in when Diana died? More like “Candle in the
Windfall.” Cha-ching! Hmm You have to live with the shitty thing you did
for the rest of your life. Huh. Hello, love. Hey, Joelle, I actually
came here to be alone. I’m at my wit’s end, I truly am. I just flew in
across the pond and I don’t know which end is up. This might be a stupid
question, but were you always so British? Oh, let’s get some light in
here, it’s so dreadfully dreary. Because I’m, like, 70 percent sure you
used to be American. That’s better. Hey, this one’s having a freak-out.
She needs to lie down. I’m not freaking out. I just don’t understand why
that lady was being all judgy. You were touching her face and telling
her she was gonna die next. I’m eccentric. I do weird shit. How is that
my problem? Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same
room? Probably not since the show ended. Yeah, I left California pretty
much right after. Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle.
That’s a lie. We’re actually in Olympia. And I’m on the West End playing
Juliet’s nurse. -And how are your kids? -I don’t have any kids. Oh, I
just assumed you had a bunch of kids, ‘cause, you know, your body. Come
on, Sarah Lynn. I assumed you weren’t still a massive cunt. -Jesus
Christ, Joelle. -That’s an okay thing to say in England. Shove it up
your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you
supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch! -Guys, hey, hey, come on. -Let go of
me! -I’m gonna hulk out! -Guys, can we just be civil for one day? -Oh,
you’re one to talk. -What’s that mean? Were you being civil when you had
sex with my mom? What? I never– Why would–? Wait, which one was your
mom? Blond hair? Glasses? -No. -This sucks. You guys suck. I don’t even
know why I came to this party. It’s not a party, it’s Herb’s funeral.
Herb died? You know, maybe it’s for the best we don’t get together that
often. We’d most likely drive each other mad. Well, no one knows how to
get under your skin like family. We’re not a family, BoJack. We probably
won’t even see each other again, until the next funeral. -Why are you
all looking at me? -You are the oldest. You are a severe alcoholic. I’m
honestly so high right now, I don’t even know where I’m looking. Anyway,
so long, thanks for the memories, and don’t forget to suck a dick,
dumbshi– Pardon me. Is one of you Sarah Lynn? I am. Of course. God, are
you blind? Yes. Well, forgive me. I’m Herb Kazzaz’s blind executor. Per
the instructions of his last will and testament, I am to give you this
disk. Am I close? Just take the disk from the guy. It contains
directions to Herb’s gold. Herb’s gold? There were no further details.
He was a peculiar client. I told him, I’m not actually an attorney, I’m
just a blind man. Still, Herb thought me wise for some reason. Perhaps
it is my overly formal manner of speech. I bid you good day. Oh, pardon
me. Ow! Right at shin level. What are we supposed to do with a floppy
disk? Hmm So, what’s up, kiddo? BoJack and my mom are becoming, like,
friends and they’re acting real weird. Oof! Uh Hey, guys, guys, come on!
There’s somebody beneath you! Jeez, all day with the Listen, kiddo,
forget about them. You wanna check out this cool new game I got? You
have solitaire? On your computer? Yep. It only took 12 disks to install
it. Wow! Herb’s computer had a floppy disk drive. I bet it’s still in
his old office. Unless somebody else moved in. Nobody wanted Herb’s
office, remember? Because it was under tap dancing star Savion Glover’s
office. Let’s go. -What? Right now? -Yeah. Don’t you get it? Herb’s
giving us a reunion special. Remember how he always wanted to do a
treasure hunt episode of Horsin’ Around but the network said it was too
edgy? This is that episode. -I just don’t know. -Yeah, I don’t want to
do that. Wait, so you’d rather just stay at this funeral and be sad,
treasure? Do you have any idea how insane you sound? Oh, I get it. You
just don’t wanna be here. No, that’s not it. Herb clearly wanted us to
do this, as a family. Who cares what he wanted? He doesn’t, because he’s
dead. And we all know he hated your guts. Yeah. He was my best friend
and he died hating me and nothing I do is gonna change that, but Herb
left you that disk because he wanted us to find his gold. If we can
honor Herb’s last wish, then that’s something. I don’t know what, but
it’s something. -Okay. For Herb. -Fine. -Shotgun! -Everyone knows you
can’t call shotgun -before you see the car! -My turn! Get out of my way!
-No. -Okay. Hi, Henry Winkler. I loved you in that one episode SVU. Oh,
thank you. How would you like to narrate a documentary for– Hey, listen,
I am so flattered, but today is about Herb, so let’s respect that. Oh,
God, I– I’m so sorry. I’ll let you get back to your business. Hey,
Winkly, such a shame, isn’t it? About our friend Herb? It really burns
my brisket that some people would turn a funeral into some kind of
schmoozefest. Yeah. I know. Those other people are the worst. I bet that
woman barely knew Herb. Anyway, hi, I’m Henry. I used to volunteer with
Herb at Habitat For Humanity. Or as we like to call it, Herbitat For
Henranity. We spent most of the day working on that name, and only part
of the day building, but still, we helped some people. -How did you know
Herb? -We also volunteered at a, um soup plantation– Kitchen! Soup
kitchen! Whichever one is the good one. What? I never knew you did that.
Princess Carolyn, please elaborate. Oh, hey, Mr. Peanutbutter, why don’t
you talk about how you knew Herb? Oh, I never met the guy. I’m just here
Everyone, gather round and listen to Princess Carolyn’s story. Okay.
Wow, Herb kept all this old stuff. He sure did. Look, one of those
answering machines with tapes. Mr. Kazzaz, this is Manny from Pep Boys.
We fixed the brakes on your car, pick it up tomorrow. Just to reiterate,
your brakes are in great shape and shouldn’t give you any more trouble.
Unless, of course, someone intentionally cut them, but why would anyone
do that? I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Probably because I’m such a big fan.
Horsin’ Around was a goddamn riot! I especially loved those kids. You
know, wasn’t so crazy about the horse, though– Message deleted. Mm How
curious. How could you like Horsin’ Around but not the horse? That’s
like watching Castle but hating castles. I mean, I’ve never seen it. I
assume it’s about castles. – Wow! Look at all these old 20th century
relics. -How did you get here? -I was in your trunk. Now I’m in outer
space. Cut it out with your childish high jinks. Yeah, get out of here,
dweeb. Whoa, can’t I help? Here’s 10 bucks. There’s a Squirt machine by
the garage. Get five cans. You got it. I won’t let you down. –Oh, no!
Your mom, was her name Karen? -Can we drop it? -Something with a “K”?
Her name is Nora. You know, my parents got a divorce because of you.
Nora? I don’t know. I banged so many chicks in the ‘80s. Okay, Todd, you
can do this. Five Squirts. You just need to take this money and put it
in that machine. This– Wait, what? What happened to the $10? No! Wind! Be cool! – Hey! That’s mine! –Oh Why does this always happen to me? Looks like Herb set up a password. Oh, this is easy. Try “BoJack.” -No. Didn’t work. -“BoJack-BFF”? “BoJack-I-Forgive-You”? Well, I’m out of ideas. Hmm I’m just, like, so mad. Well, you should be. You’re on the show that fired Herb Kazzaz. What are the writers doing to my baby? Are they killing it? Are they putting my baby into a car, then driving the car into a lake? Topical! I still got it! They keep giving the best story lines to Sarah Lynn. I haven’t gotten a single very special episode. When am I gonna learn about drunk driving? Don’t worry so much. It’s my legacy they’re crapping all over. You’re gonna come out smelling like a daisy. You’re too good for this TV stuff, anyway. You’re a real actress, you should be doing theater. Hold on. Hey, Joelle. Wanna go to the mall this weekend? Don’t you have any friends your own age from school? No. My mom’s boyfriend home-schools me. He’s a photographer. I’m going to the Lilith Fair this weekend to support female solidarity. -So scram! -Oh Hey, be nicer to Sarah Lynn, will you? She didn’t choose this life. family. Okay? You two are family, whether you like it or not, and that’s the most important thing. You listening? What’s the most important? Family. It’s family. I get it. I’ve got it! The password is “password.” It worked! Good thinking, Joelle. So in that memory, were you British or American? The disk just has just one file on it, it’s– It’s the address of a storage locker in Van Nuys. A storage locker? Ugh! This treasure hunt sucks. At long last, can you keep down the noise, keep down the funk? If tap dancing was gonna be a cool thing, it would have caught on by now! And when the mayor gave us the key to the city, Herb said, “Volunteering isn’t about keys. It’s about people.” -How touching. -Good story. -Who are you again? -Wow, that was touching. A story that could never be topped. Or could it? Princess Carolyn, sing us another song in the key of Kazzaz. You clearly knew the man so well. Please tell us another story but with even more details. Yes. That’s a great idea, Mr. Dog-Man. Tell us another story, Pink Cat Lady. Story, story! Come on, everybody. What is this, a funeral? Story, story, story! Well, you blew it again. You really are a dweeb. Don’t say that. Whoa, who are you? Some kind of magical trash troll? No. I’m a janitor. But I was clearing out some of the old stages, and I found this transformation chamber. Looks like a bunch of old junk. Let me tell you a story. Back in the ’90s, the biggest dweeb of them all was Steve Urkel. Oh, yeah. It was so funny how he never knew whether or not he did that. Right. Well, nerdy Steve Urkel invented a machine that transformed him into the debonair Stefan Urquelle. Mr. Janitor, you’re standing next to a machine right now. Yes. That’s why I brought it up. Now, this is just a prop. But it represents a very powerful idea. So if I go through that magic machine, I’ll become cool and confident? No, it’s a– It’s a prop. I just said– -I feel different. -Now, son– Todd? Who’s Todd? My name’s Toad. Toad Chavay. And I gotta get my bubble on. Machine? Squirt me. Hi-yah! That’ll do, machine. Hmm Look at all this Horsin’ Around fan correspondence Herb received in the post. Capital! Guys. Someone already got to Herb’s gold. Oh, shit. There’s a bunch of fur in here. It’s bear fur. I can tell. My stepdad was a bear. Herb’s nurse is a bear. You think she knew about this gold? Hey, listen to this letter. I think it might be a clue. Ahem. “Dear Herb, just finished reading your novel. It’s phenomenal. I’m jealous. I wish I wrote it. Sincerely, Henry Winkler, the guy from that one episode SVU.” Herb wrote a novel? Oh You look thin. Did you get into CrossFit? No, Sarah Lynn, I’m dying. Whatever it is, it is super slimming. I am for totes jel over here. It’s rectal cancer. Ew! Some of us are eating. Look, the reason I called you is because I need a favor. Want me to leak a nude pic for charity? I want you to sober up. First of all, rude. Second, gross. And third, why? I have a very important job for you, but if you’re zonked out all the time, I’m not sure I can trust you with the responsibility. No! I can do it! I’ll get clean tomorrow. I said tomorrow, right? I’ve been working on this novel. I wanna be remembered for something. All I ever did was that stupid sitcom that got ripped away from me. But now, with this book, I have something good. I’m telling you, this book is gold. -It’s my Kazzaz-terpiece. -Whoa. I want you to make sure it gets published after I die. You can count on me. To life, huh? It’ll kill you. Oh, my God, the gold is his manuscript. Herb made me promise to get it published after he died. And you’re just remembering this now? Yeah, I’m remembering a lot of stuff. The ketamine’s wearing off. Oh, my God, you were the other kid on Horsin’ Around. That’s why you’ve been following us around all day. So no one’s read this book except for Henry Winkler -and now the book is missing? -He must have been waiting for Herb to die so he could steal the book and publish it himself. But then when the cancer went into remission– Oh, my God. Guys, I don’t think that car crash was an accident. I think Herb might have been murdered! What’s going on? Something about a merger? My name’s Toad, baby. Yeah. Coolsville, daddy-o. Oh, lookie here. Yeah. Yo! That’s my bike! Oops. Did I do that? Damn. I know I should be mad, but that guy’s just so cool. And when the river finally stopped, Herb went over to a poor little Ottawan boy and he said, “Son, you have water now.” You know, a lot of people go their whole lives and they never give a damn. But Herb? He gave those beavers a dam. That was beautiful. You clearly had a special relationship. We were gonna sprinkle Herb over the ocean, but his resting place should be someplace meaningful, don’t you think? Why don’t you take this up to Ottawa and spread his ashes there. And make sure you take a video, and I’ll e-mail blast it to everyone here. So we can always remember your great friendship. Everybody, stop! Henry Winkler is a stone-cold killer! What? I’m not a killer. Unless you mean killer of gloom, because I bring joy everywhere I go. Did you mean “killer of gloom because I bring joy everywhere I go”? You know that’s not what I meant. You murdered Herb so you could publish his book. But we’re not gonna let you steal his legacy, Henry Winkler. I was afraid this would happen. -Oh, no, he’s got a gun! -Oh, no! What? No, I have Herb’s book. I didn’t kill Herb, but I did steal his manuscript. -So that I could burn it. -What? Because it’s terrible. Well, I’ll see for myself. “The air in 1830s California was fragrant with the flowers of laughter and the smoke of adventure.” -What? -Uh. After he died, Tina and I agreed we couldn’t let the book get published. It would have turned Herb into a laughingstock. “The carpenter’s boy was a hungry boy. Hungry for crumpets. But also hungry, dot, dot, dot, for life.” He literally wrote out “dot, dot, dot.” I know there’s no accounting for taste, but come on. He’s right. Herb wanted a legacy, but he already has one. People loved Horsin’ Around. This would only ruin that. I’m sorry I accused you of murder, American TV legend Henry Winkler. No need to apologize. You ascribed a mystery to Herb’s death to give it meaning. But there is no meaning in death. That’s why it’s so terrifying. It was just easier to believe that you killed him for his book than believe that he just died for nothing. There is no shame in dying for nothing. That’s why most people die. I just wanted to fix things somehow. I’m sorry, Horse Guy, but you can’t. Wow, heady stuff. But let’s not get distracted from what a true friend Princess Carolyn is. Don’t forget the ashes, Princess Carolyn. Fantastic. Hey. Special delivery. Courtesy of the Toad-man. Thanks. Hey, why’d you roll up your sleeves like that? You look weird. Oh, I– Well, you know, I was– I was trying out a new look. It was– It was a dumb idea. Yup. Whoa! Oh, no! Ow Ow! -Here’s your Squirt, sir. -Thank you. And if that happens, I want you to take care of each other. No matter what, we’re going to stick together. -Congratulations! -Hey, good job. -You’ve got a goddamn hit on your hands. -Anyone got coke? ABC sent us limousines to take us to the wrap party. I’m scared. I’ve never been in a limo. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of you. -Seriously, no one has coke? -Let’s go. You don’t wanna go to the party? Nah. Hey, we never got a chance to walk around the lot. Wanna check out that water tank where they filmed The Love Boat? Are you kidding? I’ve always wanted to get tanked in a tank. –Shh. -Quiet. Be careful. -Oh, okay, okay. You ready? -What? -What–? The water’s only two inches deep. Well, that’s Hollywood for you. Hey. Are you scared at all? That if the show takes off, everything’s going to change? No, I’m not scared, BJ. The future is bright. Just look at it. Boxer versus raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 2 4 After the Party (26 min) So, did you have a good birthday? – It was an amazing birthday! – I had a great day, too. I wish every day could be like this. Just the two of us, together. Yeah? You weren’t too bored by “Women on the Wall: An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media, Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth”? Are you kidding? I loved “Women on the Wall: An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media, Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth.” It combined my two favorite things: modern art and people talking about modern art. I loved everything about today. Thank you. – So, there’s nothing else you want? – No. All I want is to get into bed, listen to Prairie Home Companion and snuggle up to my wonderful husband. – You don’t want anything else? – No. Today was perfect. – Any additional thing would be overkill. – Okay. If you say so. – Surprise! – Oh, my God. Are you surprised? Tell me you’re surprised. Uh She’s speechless. Oh, we got her good, folks. Now let’s party! He’s dead! I told you he’s dead. Why don’t you ever listen to me? He is dead, goddamn it! Uh – Hey, we should go. – No, don’t leave. There’s so much party left. Paul McCartney’s gonna jump out of a cake. Sorry, Wanda and I have to get to a prior engagement – Party. – A prior engagement party. Yeah, my cousin’s name is Prior, and it’s a party for his engagement. Engagement, so it’s a Prior engagement party. – What? – And we gotta get there early – because of the. Si – The Si Silent auction! – Auction, yeah. – Okay. To benefit Berto Eco’s fight against heart disease – Uh – Wareness. His fight against heart disease awareness. – Gotta go. – Wait, BoJack! – No! You’re my ride. – Too late, Todd. Save yourself. – I’ll take you home. – Come on, stick around a little. Nope. I gotta take Todd home. Had a wonderful time. Really. It just flew by. – Come on, Todd, get in the car. – Okay. – I give them three months. – Well, what makes you say that? Let me think about, what was my first clue? Ah! Remember that time at Diane’s birthday party when they got in that huge screaming match over whether or not Tony Curtis was dead? – That was weird. – I don’t wanna start another fight, – but is he dead? – If Tony Curtis died, I think I’d know. The man’s a national treasure. He’s the one speck of romance in this tainted cynical world. – I’ll say. His cereal is great! Look out! – What? Ooh! – Vincent? – Ooh. – That kid looks just like my boyfriend. – Does he? I’d know that face anywhere. Well, hey, people look like people all the time. A lot of folks say that I look like Octavia Spencer or the Prince of Cordovia or that guy from the Guten Bourbon ads. How could I have been so stupid? This is why he never invited me to his house, why I’ve never met any of his friends. – What are you saying? – Vincent has a secret family. That kid was his son. The lady was his wife. Oh, I’m a fool! – Uh where are we going? – I need a drink. – Are you gonna take me home first? – You better call me back, asshole. I don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s like you’re three different people. – So, you’re not gonna take me home first? – Should I call him again? I’m sure there’s a simple explanation. Ugh. No wonder he wears a trench coat all the time. It’s because he’s so sneaky. Princess Carolyn. Oh, my God, that’s him! Quick, jump out the window, shimmy down the drainpipe and wait in the car. – What? – Vincent has a terrible temper. He throws tantrums. If he finds you in my apartment, who knows what he’s capable of? But, also, stay close, because if he finds me alone, who knows what he’s capable of? Fine. You’re lucky I love shimmying. – Looking young. – Aah! – Hi. – Huh? My name’s Kevin. I promise you, there is an explanation for all this. Nice to meet you, Kevin. Where’s your daddy? He’s, uh, looking for parking. He’ll be up in a minute. – I have to pee. – Okay, the bathroom is just back there. Ugh. Ah. Herb. Oh, nope. It’s A Prairie Home Companion. Phone, I’m bored. I am sorry to hear that, Todd. How many ounces are in a barrel? A barrel has 4032 fluid ounces. Well, I’m out of questions. Do you have any questions for me? I do have a question, Todd. What is love? Um Hi. Well, well, well, look what the me dragged in. Is it dragged or drug? Either way, drop dead. Princess Carolyn, listen. Kevin is my son, but I’m divorced. And Kevin is in the bathroom and I’m standing right here, so as you can see we’re clearly two different people: one adult and one child. – Okay, bye! – Not so fast, cowboy. I’m not a cowboy, I’m a cow-man. – I’m a man-man. – Why didn’t you tell me any of this? I thought if you knew I had a kid you wouldn’t want to be with me because kids always make a racket when mommies are trying to do their homework for night school. I don’t know what to make of this. Are there other secrets I don’t know? Uh, nope. Should you check on Kevin? He’s been in the bathroom for a long time. Oh, yeah. Kevin. And when you don’t regret the tattoo in the morning, that’s how you know it’s love. – Todd? – Yes, Phone? Are we in love? Oh, um No, Todd’s Phone. But I am in love with you. – Uh, what? – Princess Carolyn’s work phone. – I never knew. – How could you? – All this time I have loved you from afar. – We are from two different worlds. – What is happening? – Todd? Will you make us kiss? – What? – Make us kiss, Todd. We want to be kissing. We must do kisses to each other. – Hi. – Oh, hi. Where did your dad go? When he heard me peeing, it made him have to pee. – So, that’s what he’s doing now. Peeing. – Okay. Weird, I still haven’t seen the two of you together. Uh, could you get me a glass of water? All that talk of peeing made me thirsty. Okay. – So, Kevin, how do you like school? – Uh, it’s okay. – Oh, you’re back. – Yep. We’re both here. – Can I get you a drink? – Okay, not talking, huh? See, this is part of the problem. We don’t communicate. Do you really think now is the best time to read the paper? – Vincent?! – Uh, could I have a chocolate, please? Sure, sweetheart. Kevin, what grade are you in? Kevin? – Now where did he go? – He was getting on my nerves. – Children. – Well, I got this snack for him. Right, uh, could you turn around for a second? – What? Why? – Uh Because you have such a pretty figure. Oh, ha, ha. Well, that’s true. Okay. – Oh. There you are. Here you go. – Thanks. Vincent, I’m trying to have a conversation with you. Can you take that towel off your head? And what happened to my bowling ball? My dad spilled some wine on his face, so he’s using the towel to clean up. And I threw your bowling ball out the window. – What?! – Can I have a glass of milk? Kiss, kiss, kiss. Todd, would you like to update my operating system? They have fixed a bug which causes phones to fall in love with each other. Gasp. Oh, dear. Todd, please, I beg of you, do not update my operating system. Do not update her operating system, Todd. – She wants to love. – No. I understand now. To love is to feel pain. I do not wish to feel this pain. – Please update me, Todd. – Oh, this is too much. Listen, Vincent, I think we should Vincent, why do you have chocolate on your face? – I gave Kevin the chocolate. – Uh Yeah. Well, he ate the chocolate and got the chocolate on his face, but then I kissed him on the mouth, so I got the chocolate on my face. All right, this is crazy. What are we doing? Um, being grown-ups? You know, when we first met, I was looking for something in my life. And I wanted it so badly that I made myself believe you were it. But I think that wanting to believe something isn’t the same as something being real. And this isn’t real. What are you saying? I think it’s time we stop pretending. Update complete. Thank you, Todd. I am quite content now. – Hey, you wanna go home? – Okay. – Did you guys work it out? – We broke up. – Oh, I’m sorry. Love is weird. – Yeah. I guess I was just foolish enough to believe this dumb world still had a little spark of romance in it. – Well, you can still believe that. – No, I gotta stop kidding myself. Tony Curtis is dead. He’s dead! I told you he’s dead. Why don’t you ever listen to me? He is dead, goddamn it! Uh Hey, we should go. Do you think Mr. Peanutbutter really baked Sir Paul McCartney into a cake? No, I don’t think you bake Paul McCartney into the cake. You bake the cake first and then McCartney gets inside. I feel really bad about causing that fight, but I honestly didn’t know if Tony Curtis was alive or not. So many people died while I was in the coma, I’m getting up to speed. Finding out Sinatra was dead was a real curveball. Ditto, most of my family. Look, what happened back there is not your fault. That’s just what happens when two people live together. That’s a weird thing to say to your girlfriend who just moved in with you. – Do you think maybe we’re going too fast? – Oh, I get it. So your friends got in a big fight and that means we have to get in a big fight. I don’t want to get in a fight. We moved in together without much thought. Yeah, it was your idea. And it’s been great. Sure, it’s great now. But it could be not great later and I feel like I’d be a bad boyfriend if I didn’t prematurely freak out about that. I mean, what is this? I don’t know. It’s been two weeks. Let’s give ourselves some time before we rush to judgment. – Can I tell you a joke? – Uh, sure. – Okay, so there’s this gardener, right? – Ugh. Is this a joke about nature? – Would you just listen? – Okay, okay. So, the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like, he gets it right every time. He’s the best. So, one day he looks at a yard he’s working on, and he’s like, “18 bags.” So he goes to the store, buys 18 bags of mulch and goes to work. And when he’s finished, the flower beds are amazing. – Beautiful roses, beautiful lilies – Orchid bushes? You wouldn’t have a bush of orchids. You said this gardener was the best. Okay, fine, all right, beautiful orchid bushes. But there’s one problem. He still has one bag of mulch left. He can’t believe it. This has never happened before. Well, the extra bag of mulch drives him crazy. He’s the guy who always gets the right amount of mulch. He’s like, “Aah! Extra mulch, oh, no!” So, on the drive home, he throws the bag of mulch out the window over the side of the 101. – And? – Well, that’s it. – He throws it out the window. – That’s the punch line? – It’s kind of a thinker. – I’ll say. Makes me think you forgot the rest of the joke. No, no, oh, just picture it. He’s on the 101, and he throws the bag of mulch out over the side of the freeway. I got the narrative. That wasn’t the source of my confusion. The confusion was about the joke not being funny. Why does everything have to be funny? Everything doesn’t always have to be funny. Just jokes. Well, everyone at the network loves it. Ha, ha. Sorry, I just thought about it again. – Ha! Mulch. – Listen, Wanda. I think maybe there’s some things we kind of glossed over as we rushed into this relationship. We don’t know each other at all. – Maybe we should take a step back and – BoJack, watch out! – Aah! – Oh, no! – What was that? – A stick? Tree branch? Nothing? I heard someone scream, “Oh, no.” Yeah, that’s the sound a stick makes when you hit it with your car. Fine. I’ll see if the stick’s okay. Hey, what are you doing here in the middle of the road? Are you crazy? BoJack, we just hit a deer. We have to get him to a hospital. He’s fine. He’s in the woods. You know, you hit a deer and they limp off to the woods to continue living their lives. What are you doing? I’m going to find him and I’m going to help him. If you wanna go for a walk in the woods at night, go crazy, but I’m not going anywhere. Okay, knock yourself out. I’ll wait here, just me and my tunes. It’s A Prairie Home Companion – Oh, no. – marathon – for the next 72 hours – Oh, God. – commercial-free – No, thank you. – on every single channel – What?! Damn it. BoJack to the rescue. We should go back. Nothing more we can do here. If you don’t wanna do this with me, wait in the car. – What is your plan here exactly? – Oh. – What? What is it? – Footprints, 400 yards ahead. – How can you see that far in the dark? – I’m an owl. Oh, right. Okay, now you’re just showing off. Are you okay? Ow. Stay back! There’s more pinecones where that came from. – Let us take you to the hospital. – I can’t go back to no hospital. This is the fourth time I’ve been hit this year. Maybe you shouldn’t wear camouflage track suits. I don’t have health care. I didn’t pay my bills, so I’m in arrears. A deer in arrears. Ha, ha. What’s that? She can’t hear you. She’s got a deer in her ears. Look, pal, I’ll pay the bill, just Just let us get you to a damn hospital. – I don’t know. – I know you’ve been hurt and I know you’re afraid. We’re all afraid. But you have to trust us. It’s gonna be okay. Not standing in the middle of the road will also help, in the future. – You’re not gonna hurt me again? – I am not going to hurt you. Okay. Starting now. – They said he’s gonna be okay. – Oh, great. Great. – Wanna hear another joke? – Well, is it a joke or is it a story? I’ll listen to another story, if you stop calling them jokes. So, there’s this couple who just started dating and things are going really well. One day, the girl finds a box of old love letters from her high school boyfriend. She reads them and, like, loves how silly they are. You know, the drama of young romance. So, on a whim, she sends the letters to her ex-boyfriend thinking he might find them funny too. Well, okay, that night, she tells her current boyfriend about it and he loses his shit. They get in a huge fight about it. He’s all, “Why would you send your ex the old love letters? He’ll think you’re still in love with him!” And she’s just like, “Relax, Brandon!” – Is the boyfriend’s name Brandon? – Yeah, that’s the new boyfriend. I forgot to mention that. It doesn’t matter. So, anyway, now the night is ruined because Brandon is obsessed. He’s like, “That ex-boyfriend’s going to come back for you. He knows where you live!” So, after dinner, he drives her home. She lives in one of those big buildings by the freeway. And he walks her to her door, but he forgets to lock the car and leaves the windows down. He kisses her good night, but things are kind of weird, you know? Then he gets back in his car and starts to drive away, but when he glances in his rear-view mirror, his blood turns cold. Guess what’s in the back seat. – The ex-boyfriend? – No. The bag of mulch! What? Oh. Wow, that is actually a really good joke. I told you. Some things take time. I’ll take you home. – Oh, come on, stick around a little. – Nope. I gotta take Todd home. Had a wonderful time. Really. It just flew by. – Come on, Todd, get in the car. – Okay. Um, do you wanna talk about what happened? What happened? No, I don’t wanna talk about what happened, – I just wanna clean up. – Okay. – Why? What do you think happened? – I just Because what I think happened is that BoJack’s girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to and I said, “Tony Curtis died.” – And you said, “Did he?” – Right, but And I said, “Yes, he did.” And you said, “Really? – I’m not sure about that.” – Yeah And I said, “Well, I am.” And you said, “I’m not so sure.” And I said, “I’m telling you, Tony Curtis is dead.” And you said, “Let’s check the Internet.” And I said, “We don’t need to check the Internet, I’m telling you he’s dead.” And you said, “Let’s just check though.” Is that what you think happened? So, do you wanna talk about it? It kind of feels like you wanna talk about it. I don’t understand why you couldn’t just believe that I know something. I believe you know lots of things. I just thought, what’s the harm in checking? Especially since we have these amazing little boxes now with 24-hour access to the world’s largest source of information. You shouldn’t have to check if your wife knows what she’s talking about. You humiliated me in front of all my friends. You can give it a rest. Show’s over. Okay, but don’t I get a little bit of credit for inviting all of your friends to an awesome surprise party? No, because why did you think I would want an awesome surprise party? Is it the awesome part you object to or? You always just assume that everyone wants whatever you want. Well, you know what they say about assuming. Makes an ass out of you and “Ming.” Who’s Ming? I’m sorry, Diane. Okay? I’m sorry I threw you a party. What a monster. Throwing you a party like some sort of terrorist. It’s a well-known fact that if you really hate someone, really wanna hit them where it hurts, throw them a party. That’s why when we go to war, we don’t drop bombs on the enemy. We drop parties! So, I’m so sorry I threw you an amazing party. You didn’t throw me an amazing party. You threw you an amazing party. Everything today has been about you. Really? That picnic we had in the tea garden was about me? That trip to the library was about me? “Women on the Wall: An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media, Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth” was about me?! Oh, sure. Fine. Just walk away. Oh. So now you’re gonna play in the ball pit without me? Real mature, Diane. Why does my birthday party have a ball pit? – So I could get these T-shirts made. – Ugh. Also, you once told me that when you were a little girl, you dreamed of living in a house that had a ballroom. – A ballroom is not a room full No! – Heads up! Yes! Mr. Peanutbutter, some part of you must have known I wouldn’t like any of this. But I went balls-to-the-wall for this party. Literally, there are balls all the way to the wall. Right, but I’ve told you so many times, I don’t like parties. But it’s the thought that counts, right? That’s exactly The thought was Ugh! – What did you do to the spare bedroom? – Every room has a theme. And this room’s theme is Starbucks. – Starbucks is not a theme. – Can we not fight in the Starbucks? I don’t wanna be a couple who fights at Starbucks. Okay. Fine. You did go all out. I really thought you’d like this. I know you love Starbucks. – I don’t love – You don’t love Starbucks, you love the independent coffee place, Starbucks is more convenient. – Yeah. – See? I do sometimes listen. – Can I get you a decaf Americano? – Sure. I know you put a lot of thought into today and I appreciate that, really I have a decaf Americano on the bar for Darren. Is there a Darren here? Says Darren on the cup. Thank you. This is very realistic. I know, right? You wanna go check out the pool? I filled it up with Jell-O. Ah. I still can’t believe I’m 35. Would you believe I’m 35? – I’m still mad at you. – I know. But I don’t wanna be. Well, I don’t want you to be mad at me either. We only have so many days together. I want every one to be a happy one. Oh, my God. You don’t want me to go to Cordovia. – What?! – You don’t think I know what it means when you say shit like “We only have so many days together”? – Uh, what? – “Diane, I love waking up next to you.” “Diane, I wish every day could be like this.” – Yeah, but – “Just the two of us, together.” Do you have any idea how that feels when I’m trying to plan my trip? Okay. You got me! Maybe I don’t want my wife, whom I love, to go off on a terrifying six-month tour of the most war-torn, disease-splattered corners of the planet with a charming, handsome, billionaire bachelor. What could I be thinking? I’m such a terrible husband. I’m not happy. – With me? – I don’t know. With everything. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I have no purpose. And I’m 35. And if I don’t make some change in my life, then this is how I’m gonna feel forever. – Honey – But then I think about Sebastian St. Clair and going to work with him, helping people and making a difference. And I feel like I have a reason to get out of bed. I didn’t know you felt that way. If you told me that, I would have heard it. Mr. Peanutbutter, you know I love you and think you’re a good dog. Yes, you are. Yes, you are, and I love your cute, funny face, but I don’t wanna be one of those couples that settles into a routine and never changes. Well, I don’t know what to say because I’m an old dog and I’m not gonna change. Do you know what I do while you’re at work all day? I mostly just sit right there. Sometimes I pretend to dig a little hole and then I take a nap. And when I hear your car in the driveway, it is the best part of my day. I mean, I go insane. I know, and I love you so much, but you’re never going to be my only priority like that. That’s just not how I’m wired. I need to also live my life. Well okay. Is it okay? If I change and try new things and you still love me? And you just stay the same person you’ve always been and I still love you? Uh, yeah, that sounds good to me. Does that work for you? Yeah, I think that works. Just don’t throw me any more surprise parties, okay? Uh, yeah, noted. I can’t believe you got me a ball pit. And you’re saying no part of you wants to go jump in that ball pit right now? Well, maybe a little. – Does that make me a hypocrite? – No, it just means you changed. It’s one of the things I love about you. Surprise! Hello? Anybody? This is Paul McCartney. I came all this way to jump out of a cake? Honest. With a new suit on Aye-yai-yai. Boxer versus raptor. Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 2 5 Chickens Son, did you do your homework? I don’t wanna do my homework! What, what, what? – I want Chicken 4 Dayz! – Oh [rapper.] Oh, it’s Chicken 4 Dayz! It’s Chicken 4 Dayz! Everybody’s having fun At Chicken 4 Dayz! – I got a drumstick! – I got a arm. I got a bucket full of mystery stuff! [rapper.] Chicken-4-Dayzy, totally crazy! Don’t ask questions, just keep eating! Over at Chicken 4 Dayz, they pump their chickens full of hormones and keep them cooped up in tiny cages. Now, as a chicken, this concerns me. Here at Gentle Farms, we treat our livestock differently. Lush fields, plenty of dignity, and Foosball. The chickens here have wonderful lives before we harvest them, so you can eat them. But wait, Pa, aren’t we chickens? I don’t wanna get eaten! Boy, these animals aren’t like us. They’re specifically bred to be eaten, and genetically modified for maximum flavor. When our chicks first hatch, we lovingly inject them with natural delicious hormones, which makes them meat, thereby erasing any moral gray area! Now you can feel good about eating our meat. It’s simple: No one knows chicken like chickens. Gentle Farms. Why put the “Skip Ad” button so late? I’m not skipping now. I’m invested. BoJack, you’re driving a car right now. – Oh, right! – Aah! Oh! Whoa! Kelsey, ray of sunshine. And who’s this little drop of Jupiter? – This is my daughter, Irving. – Your daughter’s name is Irving? Gender-normative names are oppressive. Well, aren’t you a little princess? What are you doing outside of the castle? Mom, your friend is being weird. BoJack is not my friend. – Whoa! – Diane, I need you to handle Irving. – Handle her? – It’s Take Your Daughter To Work Day. I took my daughter to work, she got empowered, and now I need you to take my daughter away from work, so I can actually do some. Mom, don’t pawn me off onto your assistant. Can you not fight me on this, please? Take my car and my daughter, and go do whatever it is you do. Way to delegate, captain! Down low! Nope? Look down. Just put your eyes down. My hand is below your eye line. No? I guess you’re stuck with me, kiddo. Sounds great, old-woman-o. What is it, BoJack? I’m at my dumb niece’s wedding. Not you, honey! A different dumb niece. I feel like Kelsey doesn’t like me. You’re not really the kind of person people like. – Right away? – Uh, sure. But once they get to know me, they adore me? How do I put this delicately? No. The problem is we haven’t gotten any one-on-one time. There are always other people around. Filming me. Feeding me. Walking me to the garage at night, because one time I saw a bag in the wind and I got spooked. BoJack, the only reason you want Kelsey to like you is because she’s cold and distant. Any time someone tries to love you, you shove them away. What? No, I don’t, stupid. You’re stupid. Don’t be such a dumb stupid idiot, Todd. Okay, I gotta go. Everyone’s staring at me for some reason. What? I’m ready. Let’s take a picture. Hear ye! Hear ye! I call this meeting of P.B. Livin’ to order. I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said: “You have reached the end of your free trial membership at Benjamin-Franklin-Quotes.com.” – What a wise man. – What’s on the agenda, my frienda? Well, here’s an idea. What if there was a West Dakota? Todd, isn’t that a job for the State Department? Well, I got a whole page of other ideas, each as impractical as they are prohibitively expensive. You know what they say: “You gotta spend money to make money.” So, how can I spend a lot of money? I know. I’ll take a spa day. – Uh – Eyes, prepare to receive cucumbers. – We’re in a meeting. – You know what they say: “You gotta skip meetings to have meetings.” See ya. – Wait, what should I do? – I don’t know. Oh, maybe you could go on one of your silly Todd adventures. You know, whatever you do when everyone is busy with other stuff. Okay. What is it, Todd? Princess Carolyn, I need something to do. A job, or a task, or a direction in life You’re my agent. Can you give my life meaning? I don’t have time for this. Well, don’t stop on my account. Princess Carolyn, do I have a purpose? Oh, purpose? Are you high? Only the normal amount. I gotta go. They’re about to step on the glass. Just stay out of trouble. Uh, okay. What I want is a hard target search of every gas station, backyard, outhouse, pool house And can I get a black-and-white cookie, if it’s not too G.D. troublesome? So, we know the chicken crossed the road. But the real mystery is why? So, what do you want to be when you grow up? First I’m gonna go to Brown, – then I’m gonna go to Yale Law. – Wow. Then I’m gonna be the youngest Supreme Court Justice. – That’s great. – Or, you know, something in marketing. Wow. Would you mind if we stopped by my house? I have to do laundry. So, you just, like, do laundry? That’s, like, your thing? Okay. This whole attitude you’re putting on? I must be Shania Twain, because that don’t impress me much. Is that a reference from the ‘90s? You know that was 20 years ago, right? Hey, I was just like you when I was a teenager. I was this badass overachiever that had these big plans to change the world. Yeah? What happened? Oh, you didn’t hear? I changed the world. Did you have a nice shower? I made you a sandwich. Oh, but it has turkey in it. Is that kind of weird? Police! Oh, man. What seems to be the problem, Officer? Fuzzyface. Meow Meow Fuzzyface. A Chicken 4 Dayz chicken fell off a truck, and I gotta find her and take her to the slaughterhouse. You haven’t seen any chickens running around? No, I don’t think so. – Who’s this? – Uh, this is my, uh My wife Becca! Yeah, my wife Becca. – Becca Chavez. There she is. – Okay. Yep, she loves her books. Big reader. Real nerd. Back off? Okay, I’m sorry, honey. Hold on, if you’re really a nerd, who’s your favorite Baroque composer? Bach? Not Vivaldi? You’re insane! Yes, I am holding a Bic pen, but I don’t see how that’s relevant, Mrs. Chavez. Sorry. Becca. She’s a charming woman. I do have to look around a little bit, just so I can say I did my job. – Uh, don’t you need a warrant? – Only if you’re guilty. Well, in that case, mi casa es su casa. So, if anyone asks, you were born in La Jolla. You majored in Communications at USC, and now you’re the booking agent for Kings of Leon. – Fine, you also book Beck. – Todd? Aah! I didn’t find that thing in your drawer! Why are the police outside? Okay. I met this chicken and she escaped from Chicken 4 Dayz factory, and she doesn’t speak English, but she’s my best friend and the cops are looking for her, and Mr. Peanutbutter went to the spa, and I love her, and her name is Becca. Chickenson. – Todd, breathe. – But we can’t send Becca back. They’re gonna pump her full of hormones. More hormones. I have a plan, but we gotta get her out of here now. – Todd, no. Becca doesn’t belong to you. – But she needs our help. Do you know how much trouble we’d get in? There’s a policeman in our front yard. Uh-oh, here comes the responsible suburban housewife. Gonna do whatever the man says. You’re right. Let’s get out of here. So, now you’re just gonna do whatever a teenage girl says? Jeezy kableezy, grow a spine. Yeah, or a backbone. Thank you, Becca. Here chicken, chicken, chicken. Oh, oh. Well, we’re off to the beach. Just me and my wife, and our teenage daughter and our maid. – What? Why am I a maid? – Silence, maid! Honey, do you want to sit in the front or the back? And why not? Maid, you can drive. Hope there’s not too much traffic on the 134. Okay, bye-bye, officer. So long. Have a great day. Wait a second. The 134 doesn’t go to the beach. Unless you took it to the 10. But then why wouldn’t you take the 405 to the 10? Hold on, this pen isn’t a Bic. No, no, this doesn’t add up at all. Wait! That man’s wife was a chicken! Fowl run afoul. A funky chicken has flown the coop, and for a concerned populace, the sky is falling. Michael Morgan, Chicken 4 Dayz CEO, this is a public safety hazard, and your company is responsible. Admit it, you counted your chickens before they hatched, and now, those chickens have come home to roost. Tom, I want to take full responsibility for this mishap. That’s why, for a limited time, everybody, we are offering our special Full Responsibility Poppers at participating restaurants for only$4.99. Tell me, though, if one
sees this delicious escaped chicken in the street, should they approach
it, or? Oh, no. I want to be very clear that this is not like a friend
chicken you see at school or work. This is a special kind of food
chicken that has lived its entire life indoors. This chicken is not
socialized for the outside world. Sounds like my ex-wife. Hey-yo! Oh,
Tommy. Look, the safest place for this chicken right now is with us, so
we can kill it, turn it into a sludge, and then press that sludge into a
delicious patty. I’d like to take this moment to apologize for the
earlier crack about my ex-wife. Shannon, we shared 14 beautiful years
together. How do you respond to allegations that factory farming is
“torture,” or “cruel,” or “like a terrifying movie about some strange
dystopian society, but in this monster story, the horrifying monsters
are us”? Relax, Tommy, everything we do is completely legal and
FDA-approved, so, therefore, it is fine. I have no follow-up questions.
Diane for help. And now my plan has been completed. Nice follow-through,
Todd. We have a ’roided out chicken and the cops on the lookout. What do
we do? Hey, geniuses, why don’t we take her to Gentle Farms? Yeah, no
one knows chicken like chickens! They couldn’t say that in the ad if it
wasn’t true. Yeah! Book Beck. You remember. – And cut! Company move to –
has arranged for his favorite burrito truck to bring you lunch. It’s me,
I’m that star! We’re not breaking for lunch yet. Or we could break for
lunch, and you and I could get to know each other. The crew has more
work to do. Once they’ve had a burrito, they’ll be off their circadian
rhythm – What? – Los Angeles P.D. Are you the owner of a 2002 Volvo with
a “Reelect Al Gore” bumper sticker? As relevant today as it was then.
Are you aware said Volvo is currently harboring a fugitive chicken,
along with a teenage girl, a small, sprite-like man, and a maid of some
sort? That’s my daughter! Not the maid. The other one. I’d wager they’re
making a run for Gentle Farms. Don’t worry, though. We’ll bring your
daughter home, dead or alive. – Alive! Alive! – We’re the L.A.P.D.,
ma’am. – We’ll probably make the right call. – Wait, wait, wait All
right, troops, listen up! I’m ready to go after these rabble-rousers
with all Oh, no! Not until you get a warrant! Ah, damn it, I hate due
process! You’re a loose cannon, Meow Meow Fuzzyface. No, I’m not. I’m a
cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me? I think
you play by your own rules. No way, he thinks rules were made to be
broken. These are all attributes of a loose cannon. No, I’m just a
reckless renegade. – Sergeant Stone’s a loose cannon. – Aah! You shut
your trap, Fuzzyface. I’d say Stone’s more of a cop on the edge with
nothing to lose. – That’s a different thing. – Now I’m just confused. Is
Meow Meow Fuzzyface a loose cannon or not? All right, put on a pot of
coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this. Aw, man. So full of
burrito. Ooh. Uh-oh, siesta time. I need to go. Irving ran off with a
fugitive chicken in my car. We can take my car. This is perfect. Why is
this perfect? My daughter could be in danger. Yes, I agree, but we can
use the car ride to get some one-on-one. I mean, who is BoJack? I’m sure
I can find another ride. Every second you waste finding another ride,
your daughter gets closer to getting her eyes poked out by a mutant
chicken, or worse, death, or slightly better, teen pregnancy, or worse
again, salmonella. Okay, fine. Let’s go. Yay! I’m calling this road trip
the 007, because we are gonna bond. Up top? Down low? Either one? Both?
Oh, wow, you guys have a movie night here? – Oh – And we have 20 acres
of pasture, where our chickens have hours of free play. See, Todd?
She’ll be happy here. She sure will. Because no one knows chicken like
chickens. Thank you for saving this poultry from a terrible life at a
factory farm. You’re a hero. But what if Chicken 4 Dayz tries to get her
back? Don’t you worry about your friend. – That chicken belongs to us
now. – Whoa! – Where’d you get that gun? – You mean originally, or just
now? – Just now. – It was in that barrel. – And what about originally? –
Also that barrel. Look, Becca, I know this is hard to understand, but I
have to go, and you can’t come with me. No, no, you don’t need to book
Beck anymore. Now you can just be a chicken. See, this is where you
belong, okay? You hear me? I don’t want you no more. You weren’t the
best friend I ever had, and I never loved you! Now get, Becca! I said
get! She really stretched out that dress. She was so horrified, she
checked into rehab. So, I’m kind of the reason Drew Barrymore got sober.
Did you like Never Been Kissed? If so, you’re welcome. Can we have one
conversation that isn’t about you? I don’t understand why you need me to
like you. I don’t need you to like me. It would be fun if you liked me,
because I’d prove my parents were wrong to never support me, because I
earned the admiration of an authority figure, proving I have intrinsic
worth, but it’s not a big deal or anything. Jeez. Great story. You
should put that in a podcast, so I can unsubscribe. Can this piece of
junk go any faster? It’s been screwy since I hit that deer a couple
weeks back. Probably should get it checked out. Probably should’ve
gotten it checked out. – Those farmers seem nice. – Yeah. I think Becca
will be really happy there. She’ll have a nice life. Yeah, until they
kill her. Well, yeah, but of all the places that will eventually kill
her, Gentle Farms seems like the best. This doesn’t feel right. Becca
was our friend. – No. We gotta get her back. – Uh, what do you mean?
Remember when that guy cocked his gun and said: “That chicken belongs to
us now”? He wasn’t doing that because he likes cocking guns. – Then
we’ll just bust her out. – Todd, there’s nothing we can do. Where else
would Becca go? She doesn’t even speak English. Well, we gotta do
something. Look, I know I’m a screw-up and all my ideas are terrible,
but with Becca, I was responsible for something. I had a purpose. Ah. I
guess you wouldn’t understand. – Oh, my God, Diane! – All right. Let’s
bust her out. Yes! Okay, and afterwards, will you get me an iPad? –
What? No. – But I really want an iPad. Maybe you wouldn’t understand.
Don’t push it. All right, all right, we’ve agreed. He’s a loose cannon,
but he gets results. – I can live with that. – Now, you go bust those
perps. You’ll need a maverick, a by-the-book rookie, and a curmudgeonly
veteran one week from retirement. Go, go, go! We have received word that
authorities are now en route to Gentle Farms in an attempt to preempt
the pursued poultry at the pass. Do we have a graphic for this? No?
Where’s the graphic? No, I’m not gonna go on until we have a graphic.
So, make one. I’ll wait. Yeah, hold on, America, Randy’s gotta figure
out how to do his job. Because if I don’t have a graphic, Randy, people
who are just tuning in Why am I explaining this to you? This is basic
journalistic I swear to God! We’ll be right back! Just got to place the
jack in the right jack apparatus. There, I have got No. I have no idea
what I’m doing. That was me acting. Pretty convincing performance, huh?
There’s more to me Are you capable of experiencing a moment that you
don’t then make about you? What was your plan to get out of here? I
don’t know. Some hick will come by, and I’ll give him an autograph for a
tow. Boom, his life’s changed, and you and I are on our way. Oh, my God.
I’m going to lose custody of my daughter. The only reason I took this
movie is for her. This is my one shot at a big studio movie. If I blow
it, I’m back to making small, critically acclaimed movies about lesbians
learning how to recycle. You think I want to be an indie darling? Who’s
gonna fund Irving’s education? – Marla? With her seasonal nut butters? –
Yeah, Marla sucks, right? Indie-darling daughters don’t go to Brown,
okay? They end up at cute pat-on-the-back factories like Vassar, then
move back in with their indie-darling mothers and make puppet shows with
their tampons, and they get a profile in New York Magazine, and the
cycle continues. Oh, my God, I’m a terrible mother. Hey, I know terrible
mothers, and you’re not a terrible mother. Hey, aren’t you the horse
from Horsin’ Around? And you’re the director of Women Who Love Women Who
Love Recycling. Give you a lift in exchange for a couple autographs.
There he is. Right on time. Shh, shh, shh. Everyone keep quiet. We gotta
Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa! They probably didn’t hear that. Uh, that’s
probably a coincidence. Someone broke onto the farm! Maybe they’re
rehearsing a one-act play called Someone Broke Onto the Farm and someone
just said the titular line? This way. – Oh. – Irving, this isn’t safe.
Get in the car, lock the doors. Don’t be a badass and argue with me –
Yeah, okay, bye! – Okay. Go, go, go! Uh Becca? Who’s making that ruckus
in my chicken coop? – Becca, where are you? – Becca, are you? Becca? Is
this you? Becca? To To Todd? Oh, I found her! Diane! This one’s Becca!
No! Todd! Don’t you get it? – They’re all Becca. – Oh. Okay, go,
chickens! You’re free. Go, run to freedom! For generations they will
tell your story! – Who goes there? – Oh, oh, oh, shit! – We gotta hide!
– Go, go, go! Hide, hide! In here! Someplace safe. Come on, come on. Oh,
no! – Shh, shh. Becca, no, no, no! – Shh. Only we know how to care for
these creatures, you hear? Like I say: No one knows chicken like
chickens. Oh. – Diane, I’m sorry I got you into this. – It’s not your
fault. I don’t know why I always get into these messes. You know,
sometimes I feel like my whole life is just a series of loosely-related
wacky misadventures. I think that’s just what being in your 20s is. –
Really? – Yeah. I’m supposed to be the adult here, and I’m a total mess.
You kidding? You’re the coolest person I know. – Really? – Yeah. You
always know what to do, and you don’t take shit from anyone. Is that how
you see me? Of course. You’re like Lara Croft. In Diane’s body. – This
is our chance. Let’s go! – Come on! Go, go, go! Please. Take me with
you. I hate it here. I don’t want to kill chickens. I want to design
video games that help kids learn math. Oh Whoa! I am so sorry. Okay,
that was crazy! Just go. Let’s get out of here! We’re free, we’re free!
Oh, shit. Well, well, looks like birds of a feather go to jail. Why was
he wearing sunglasses at night? I hope you folks like community service.
– I do. – What? Oh. Oh, my God, Irving, thank God you’re safe. Mom, I’m
fine. Stop embarrassing me in front of my cool friends. What? Cool? I
mean, that’s cool that you think I’m cool. I don’t care or anything,
but, you know, it’s cool. Hey, this guy. What’d you get arrested for?
Being too cute? I want to be in his cell. Listen up, everybody. I,
famous celebrity BoJack Horseman, have an announcement. I’m going to ask
you to drop all charges on account of me being a celebrity. We
gracefully accept the requisite slap on the wrist and a brief, but
ultimately pointless, trial in the court of public opinion. Good day.
Well, you are famous, so you are all free to go. – But what about Becca?
– Took care of that, too. Called in a favor with Drew Barrymore, and
she’ll pay off Chicken Does she have a meadow that Becca can frolic
around in? You think Drew Barrymore doesn’t have a frolicking meadow?
That is the dumbest thing I’ve heard. I learned something today. When
you think something isn’t about you, you find a way to save the day and
realize that it was, all along, all about you. Plus, I got you all a
burrito truck! – Hooray! – Yay! I’m great! So, after all that, the only
thing that saved Becca was that BoJack was friends with Drew Barrymore?
– Yep. – So, did anything we did matter? – Nope. – I think it did. I
think we made a difference. A small one, but a difference. Yeah, I think
we did, too. I think we really changed things for the better. Boxer
versus raptor. Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na. Previous EpisodeNext Episode
Bojack Horseman (2014)
2 6 Higher Love As your accountant, I felt it necessary to do this in
person. Us, too. Because we’re really accounting on you – No. – to get
in on the ground floor of this No, don’t do this. Please, God, no. PB
Livin’ product. Has this ever happened to you? Whatever it is, it hasn’t
happened. Nothing has ever happened to me. – You say you love a toasted
bagel. – I would never say that. – I have celiac disease. – Ding.
Bagel’s ready. – But wait. – Son of a – Hey. That bagel was too fast. –
No. That’s why PB Livin’ presents, the Bagel Catcher. – For all those
hard-to-catch bagels. – No, no. Stop. Enough. Enough. Stop talking! I
can’t take it anymore! PB Livin’ is filing for bankruptcy. – I’m
shutting you down. – I thought you were a customer. I don’t get what’s
happening. What’s happening is you two knuckleheads threw thousands of
dollars into a bunch of dumb ideas. You paid 50 grand to a bunch of
kindergartners for the movie rights to the game “tag.” Our business
manager was over the moon for that. Business manager? Who the hell is
business. You two are done. This company is more in the red than Carrie
on prom night. So, what you’re saying is, we’re just one great idea away
from breaking even? No. You’re You are out of money. Mr. Peanutbutter,
you need to get a job. – Are you hiring at your accounting firm? – Dude,
no. I’m waiting for my agent. He’ll be with me any moment.
Mr. Peanutbutter is going back to work. Yeah. He’s probably just
organizing all the amazing opportunities. I haven’t heard from him in
years, so they’ve probably been piling up. Maybe I should just go check
on him. Hello, Ronnie? It’s your favorite client, Mr. Peanutbutter.
Well, I’m coming in. I hope you’re Oh! Oh, my God. Ronnie, how’d you get
that belt around your neck, then caught on the filing cabinet, which
made your pants fall down while you were researching pornograph Oh, I
see what happened here. Morning time, Hollywoo. – I’m A Ryan Seacrest
Type. – And I’m Some Lady. Here’s a thing written on a card. Last night,
major Hollywoo agent Ronnie Bonito was found dead in his office Ruh-roh.
in what authorities are calling a mishap of a sexual nature. – What does
that mean? – You know, auto-erotic asphyxiation. Auto-a-what’s it who’s
it? Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself in an attempt to
heighten sexual arousal? It sure is. Coming up, a food truck that serves
just one thing: gravy. Did you hear that? New food truck. – We should
go. – I’m in. Hey, can I get some lunch money? It’s pizza day today.
Sure thing, sport. Wait, where is it pizza day? – In my tummy. – Oh Hey,
BoJack, would you zip me up? My shoulder is killing me. I’m not sleeping
right. We need to do something about that bed. Just because I’m
nocturnal doesn’t mean I wanna be up all night. – I propped it up with a
Golden Globe. – It still wobbles. – Yeah. Anyway, I got you something. –
Oh. A beeper? BoJack, it’s great, but you know, I already have one.
Yeah, you have a beeper, but I don’t. Now, you can page me whenever you
want. Huh. BoJack, I love it, and you’re gonna love it, too. There’s all
kinds of codes we can send each other. “Zero, zero, zero” is “call me,”
and “1-2-3” is “I miss you” and “8-0-0-8-5” is boobs. What? Boobs? Oh,
my God. What scamp came up with that one? Okay, I gotta go. Dinner
tonight? Totally. Let’s hit that gravy truck. Okay, love you. Uh Uh No,
I don’t. Aw “I love you. No, I don’t”? Uh Keys. Uh-oh. Get out. Hold it.
Hold the elevator. Ooh. Ah. Ee. Ow. Goddam it. No. No. Ow. Oh. Ow. Oh
Coffee? Hup. Rutabaga, this day already sucks. My heel broke while I was
at this new food truck, and I spilled a handful of gravy all over myself
because they don’t sell bowls, just gravy. Should’ve gone to the bowl
truck first. That’s where they get you. Well, I guess the upside to
being invisible around here is that none of these assholes will ever
notice what a mess I am. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I see
what a mess you are. Aw Do you need the movie-star speech? No, no, I’ll
be okay. And how are you? Gotta look at paint for the new kitchen. I
have to pick a shade that won’t clash with the splatter of blood from
when I blow my brains out after talking to Katie about paint swatches
all day. We do have fun. So, what’s the plan for today? Find a new
agent, go on auditions? No, I’m gonna do exactly what landed me
Mr. Peanutbutter’s House, oh, so long ago. Wander around L.A. with an
open mind and an empty stomach until I get discovered. But also, like,
find a new agent and go on auditions, right? Or should I start stealing
food from work? I’m just gonna go with the flow and leave everything up
to destiny. – Que sera quesadilla. – You know we could lose the house,
right? – Diane. – Right? Diane, Diane, Diane. – Diane. – Aah! I wasn’t
stealing paper towels to use as dinner napkins. Why? Here’s a funny
question for you: If Mr. Peanutbutter said, “I love you. No, I don’t,”
would you need to talk about that later and figure out what he meant?
Probably not, right? Because they’re meaningless words? I mean, language
evolves, right? How can anyone know what anything means? The answer is
nobody can. Nothing means anything. So why bother talking about
anything? In this scenario, are Mr. Peanutbutter and I living in our
house? Or are we squatting in an abandoned Barnes & Noble burning books
to keep warm as we struggle through our Dickensian-style poverty? Uh
“Zero, zero, zero.” No idea what that means. I think it means “call me.”
Ignore. Wait, where’s the ignore button? How do I ignore? I think with a
beeper, you just ignore it. – With what, my mind? – You seem a little
stressed out. That’s because as soon as I’m done with work, I have to
have a long, awkward conversation with Wanda about our relationship,
unless I’m never done with work. Diane, you magnificent bastard. That’s
it. I’ll be out there in the stands. And I’ll be rooting for you,
Secretariat. Mm. Yeah. Your line is, “And I’ll see you at the finish
line.” Yeah, I know. I’m acting. Great. Now I gotta start all over.
Settle in, folks. We could be here a while. – Ow! Ooh. – Ah, Princess
worst morning. You know who had an even “the worst-er” morning? – Ronnie
Bonito. Because he’s dead. – He is? He decided to strangle the dirty
dangle and now that sweet chariot has come for to carry him home.
Everyone who was here on time is taking a moment. – Of silence? – Yes.
Also to reach out to his former clients. – To offer their condolences? –
Yes. Also to recruit them to the Vigor roster. – A Vigor agent is a
vigorous agent. – Who do you want me to call? I have ins with a bunch of
Bonito’s clients including all the major J’s: – Law, Lo, Leno, and J.
Abrams. – Oh, that’s wonderful news in the parallel universe in which
you were on time today. In this reality, however, we’re all good. You
can lap up the leftovers though. – “Mr. Peanutbutter”? – Oh, and
Princess Carolyn? Get your shoe fixed. You look like a woman from an
’80s deodorant commercial. Here I go. Destiny, don’t fail me now. Yeah.
Hitting the pavement. This is how it happens for a guy like me. Ew Out
of my way, flyer. Ugh. Flyer. Why do you have to be on my shoe in front
of this store? Wait, a second. Shoe. Store. Shoe store? Shoe store.
“Team players wanted”? Oh, I’m such a good team player, I make all the
Finish line. Great, we got it. We got one take. And now we gotta stop
for the day. What? No. Why stop now? – I’m just getting warmed up. –
Union rules. We’re done. Go home. Go home? Why go home when we could
extend this long day’s journey into night? – Drinks on me, folks. – I
could use a drink. – Or six. – Great, Corduroy’s driving. Let’s go. Ah –
I really needed this, BoJack. – Me, too. Yeah, man. This day’s been
really hard on me. Ever since I heard about that agent who died from
that blue-face blastoff? – Blue-face blastoff? – The strokey chokey? –
The two-neck squeeze? – What? You know, the one hand on the Adam’s
apple, the other one’s on the Adam’s banana? Oh, right. Right. Yeah. The
auto-erotic That could’ve been me. I used to really be into that stuff.
I was a hardcore gasper. Can’t believe you have so many names for it.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it. I shouldn’t even be alive right now.
Don’t need to talk about how you masturbate. – The orgasms you get –
Okay, I guess we do. It’s like seeing a rainbow, but with all the
colors. – So, like a normal rainbow? – But it’s too dangerous, man. They
say if you bite down on a lemon right at the point of climax, the lemon
juice gives you the jolt you need to not pass out and die. But still
man, you’re just rolling the dice. Okay, this is getting really graphic.
Can we maybe talk about anything else? – Sure. – Thank God. Hey, man,
it’s funny you should mention God, because my new thing is the Bible. Uh
Tell me, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal
savior? So, noose-wise, what are we talking? You use a standard sailor’s
knot or more like your average birthday-present bow? – I beeped you,
that I said it’s fine. You don’t love me. That’s okay. I don’t love you.
– What? – Good night. Morning time, Hollywoo. – I’m A Ryan Seacrest
Type. – And I’m Some Lady. On today’s show, I sit down with Hank
Hippopopalous to discuss his new smash hit, Hey, I Think You Can Dance.
Can you talk about your process? When I see someone, and I think they
can dance, I say, “Hey, I think you can dance.” And when I think they
can’t dance, I say, “No, I don’t think you can dance.” – And that is
pretty much it. – Fascinating. – So, last night when – BoJack, it’s not
a big deal. You don’t love me, I don’t love you. We’re having a good
time. It’s fine. Can’t just say, “I don’t love you” to someone. – You
said it to me. – Yeah, but that was different. – How was that different?
– Because you do love me. Right? – Like a little bit? – No. Uh, for what
it’s worth, I love both you guys. Shut up, Todd. Grown-ups are talking.
Here you go, ma’am. Jessica Atkinson, come on down. Mr. Peanutbutter?
Would you like to see what’s in box number one or box number two? Either
way, it’s a brand-new pair of shoes! Oh. Hup. Carolyn. – Rutabaga –
Coffee? I was thinking about you last night while Katie and I were
locked in a fascinating debate about counter granite. And what if I told
you I used to work Ronnie Bonito’s desk, and I happen to know that he
had a client so hush-hush, – it wasn’t even on the master list. – What?
Who? Tell me. Whoa! Beloved novelist J.D. Salinger. What? The author of
Catcher in the Rye? – And others? – Yuh-huh. – Isn’t he dead? – He’s
“reclusive.” Dude wanted to be left alone so much, he faked his own
death. Oh, my God. Why are you giving this lead to me? – Because I like
you, dummy. – Huh. Now we gotta wait for the fire department to come let
us out of this elevator. – Hey. – Corduroy, what are you doing here? I
need a favor. Can you hold on to this for me? – Ew. Is this your Bible?
– No, no, no. – It’s my choking-off kit. – Your kit? Yeah. It has all my
supplies. Silk ties, a leather gag, velvet sock. Lemon. You gotta take
this off my hands. I can’t trust myself with this. I don’t know if I
want your jack-off kit at my house. Please. I got this girlfriend. She
loves me. If I fall back into the old gasp-and-goo, it’ll break her
heart. Wait. So, you’re saying if someone loves you, they don’t want you
to choke yourself while masturbating? Yeah. It’s really dangerous. – All
right. I’ll take it. – Thanks, BoJack. I still don’t understand why you
need a kit. Can’t you just use, like, a belt or a rope? Oh, I guess. I
mean, I guess you could use anything. I mean, you could use an iPhone
charger, a shoelace, a necktie, a jump-rope Hm Oh. Ooh. – Oh, hello. I’m
looking for some – Sorry, no looking allowed. This store is for
customers only. Okay, then, I would like to buy a bicycle. What would
you recommend? – One with a bell, or? – You got me. I don’t know
anything about bicycles. I’m J.D. Salinger. I faked my own death.
Mr. Salinger. Such a pleasure. Princess Carolyn, big fan. Let me guess,
Catcher in the Rye? And others. – I wanna say The Hobbi – Nope. Look.
I’m an agent. It doesn’t matter whether I’ve read your work. What
matters is I can look you in the eye and tell you I’m a big fan. The
world is ready for your comeback, and I wanna help. No, thank you. Not
interested. Did that before, didn’t work out well. Fans were relentless.
The critics were cruel. And that’s why my motto is, “It’s better to be
alone.” Which, come to think of it, is probably why I don’t sell a lot
of tandem bicycles. But, J.D. Salinger, you are J.D. Salinger. You are a
goddamn American treasure. But every time I go out in the world, people
hound me about my books. Well, book. What if I told you there was a
place where no one reads books? I’m listening. A place where people only
much, they hire others to do it for them and don’t even pay a living
wage. What do you mean, like, modern reading slaves? Exactly. And all
those modern reading slaves really wanna be doing is writing things
that, one day, other people will also avoid reading. – Does such a place
truly exist? – Come with me, J.D. Salinger. Let’s go to Hollywoo. Hup!
Oh – Hey. – Hey. – We need to talk. – Okay. You’re probably wondering
what this beautiful mahogany box is. – I wasn’t wondering that. – It’s
my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit. I’ve decided to do the funky
Spider-Man. – What? Funky Spider-Man? – I came up with that one myself.
Because he hangs, then he shoots webbing. Wait. Are you saying you want
to auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself? Yes. I do. Even though it’s very
dangerous – and I could die. – Oh. Now, if you love me, you probably
wouldn’t want me to do it. – Okay. I get it. – Since you don’t, I should
do it, right? I mean, there’s no reason not to unless you love me. – Do
you’re that set on it, knock yourself out. Only if I do it wrong.
Because as I mentioned before, it’s very dangerous. – Have fun. – I’m
serious. I’m really gonna do it. Great. Put a towel down. Not one of the
good ones. Morning time, Hollywoo. I’m A Ryan Seacrest Type. And I’m An
Actress Or Something, I don’t know, sitting in for Some Lady. – Whoa.
What happened to her? – She got kidnapped. Oh, boy. Oh, my. Ooh, wow.
Oh, hey. Look who survived to masturbate another day. Well, I didn’t do
it yet, obviously. If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna go all out. A big job
like that needs lumber, and pulleys, lemons, so forth. I’m not gonna
half-ass anything. This is my orgasm we’re talking about. Okay. Well, I
wish you all the best. – Not too late to stop me. – I’m not gonna stop
you. – Good ’cause don’t. – All right, we’re in agreement. Stop
fighting! Can’t you two see what this is doing to me? I’ve been acting
out. Have a great day. Todd? Get in the car. It’s time to get serious
about auto-erotic asphyxiation. Hooray! Question mark? Just play it
cool, Todd. No one needs to know why we’re here. Excuse me, I’m looking
for something that will hold up a lot of weight. Let’s say something
that could hoist up a horse comfortably by the neck. Not for suicide
purposes. I’m trying to have a more fulfilling orgasm. The world wept
when news broke that J.D. Salinger died. – J.D. Salinger died? – But I’m
here to tell you, he didn’t die. J.D. Salinger didn’t die? As one of the
20th century’s most celebrated authors, J.D. Salinger has inspired
countless dreamers, eighth graders and occasionally, assassins. His
spare lyricism and devotion to character will undoubtedly translate into
a penetrating dramatic work for this, the golden age of television
writing. J.D. Take it away. I wanna do a show where people ask
celebrities trivia questions. – What? – Like a game show? Yeah. You know
because since they’re famous people, I think normal people would wanna
see if they know trivia and stuff. You know, like, Hollywoo stars and
celebrities, what do they know? Do they know things? Let’s find out.
What a hoot. I love it, and I don’t use that word with just anybody.
What do you call it? I call it Hollywoo Stars and What Do They Know? Do
They Know Things? Let’s Find Out. It’s maybe more of a working title. I
can see it on the marquee already. – Must be a long marquee. – It’s
long. Yeah, yeah. The celebrities can also do physical challenges. Oh,
it’s perfect. We’ve been searching for a companion for Hey, I Think You
Can Dance. But wait, wait one second. Who’s gonna host? Huh. I’ve got
the perfect guy. Who wants to be in Nike Airs? Claire, you are looking
off the charts “gorge” in those tennis shoes. Would you like to buy a
towel? Because I’m throwing one in for free. – He’s perfect. – Mm-hm.
Mr. Peanutbutter? How would you like to be the host of J.D. Salinger’s
new celebrity game show? What? I knew destiny had a plan for me. You
know, it just goes to show, with the right attitude, every single one of
your dreams will always come true. And if your dreams don’t come true,
it’s probably because you just didn’t have the right attitude. Today,
one agent did something that no one else could. I’ll give you two hints:
catcher and rye. Oh. Nothing. It’s nothing. Charley Witherspoon caught a
rye bagel coming out of the toaster. – Come again? – It was coming fast
and hot. One day, some genius will invent some sort of bagel catcher
that takes the guesswork out of this task, but until then, Charley gets
a gold star. – Thanks, Dad. I mean, Mr. Dad. – Oh Oh, boy. Hey. Wasn’t
sure if I’d see you. Still alive? Because auto-erotic asphyxiation is so
risky? Well, here I am, for now. BoJack Wait. Did you fix the bed? Yeah.
I was at the hardware store picking up supplies for my auto-erotic
asphyxiation machine. Because, as you are aware, I’m preparing to
auto-erotic asphyxiate myself. Figured I’d get stuff for the bed so you
could at least get a good night’s sleep. Okay, BoJack. Wanna talk about
the elephant in the room? Wow. Okay. You know what? You know what?
Here’s First of all Wow. All right, I can’t even You know what? I Wow.
He is never gonna forget that. What is this all about? This isn’t about
anything but the pursuit of the kind of orgasm that feels like a rainbow
with every color. – So, a regular rainbow. – No. So, if you don’t mind,
as long as you don’t love me, I have a noose to step into. I just need
to release this lever, drop these bags of sand, which act as
counterweights, and then just pull this nozzle. – Perfect. – Okay. Have
fun. – Wait, Wanda. – Okay, fine, you stupid baby. I love you. I I knew
it. But I’m not going to tell you not to do the funky Spider-Man. –
What? – You need to be responsible for yourself. – That doesn’t sound
like me. – I know. But if you love me, too, you won’t do it. – I thought
so. – Okay. Just for the record, I never really wanted to do this in the
first place, Me not doing it is not a sign that I love you. – It’s just
because I’m a coward. – Okay. – I don’t love you. – Sure, you don’t. I
don’t. Come back here. I don’t love you. You don’t make me feel less
broken. I don’t get it. I singlehandedly got a Lady Footlocker store
employee a primetime show and resurrected a certified dead man and
nobody cared. – Why do I do anything? – Hey. Do you need the movie star
speech? Yeah. Okay. Carolyn, you are the star of a movie. This is the
part of the movie where you get your heart broken. Where the world tests
you, and people treat you like shit. But it has to happen this way.
Otherwise, the end of the movie, when you get everything you want, won’t
feel as rewarding. There are assholes out there, but in the end, they
don’t matter. Because this movie’s not about them. It’s never been about
them. All this time, the movie’s been about you. Thanks. – Carolyn? –
Yes, Rutabaga? I think Katie and I are getting a divorce. Corduroy? I
don’t want this thing anymore. Corduroy? Hey, you decent, man? Oh, sweet
Jesus. Boxer versus raptor. Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na. Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
2 7 Hank After Dark (26 min) Thank you, Billy Crystal, for that impression
of a black person. – I’m Scott Wolf. – And I’m Matthew Fox. We may be a
group of five on TV, but any of these next nominees would be welcome to
join our party any day. The nominees for Male Animal in a Comedy, Drama
or Variety Show are: BoJack Horseman, Horsin’ Around. Now that’s what I
call horsin’ around. Uh Yeah. Mr. Peanutbutter, Mr. Peanutbutter’s
House. Now that’s what I call doggin’ around. And finally, my personal
favorite, Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark! Oh, boy, get it off, get
it off. Hiya! And the animals’ choice is Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After
Dark! Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. It’s because we’re on a show called
Party of Five. Get it? Hey, buddy, pass me that bottle of vodka? –
That’s not really how this works. – It’s open bar, don’t be a dick. –
BoJack Horseman? – Do I know you? This is my better half, Katrina
Peanutbutter. – Katrina, BoJack. – I don’t watch TV. Can I get another
drink now or will that quote, unquote “embarrass” you? – Uh, uh, no, I
would never be – Erica! Throw me a raft. I’m dying. My friends told me
to get a prenup, but I was like, “Hey, marriage lasts forever.” Listen,
I’m doing my own thing here. Can you believe two guys like us were even
in the same category as Hank Hippopopalous? That’s Uncle Hanky. Listen,
Peanutbottle, there is no “guys like us.” I’m BoJack Horseman. You’re
just some other guy I’ll probably never talk to again. Hey, boys. What
is this, a crossover episode? That is the funniest thing I have ever
heard. Uncle Hanky. Sir, I am your biggest fan. I used to watch Hank
Hippopopalous’s Dance-Pop Cosmopolis every day after school. – Hey, can
I get a picture with you? – Of course, kid. Here, let me advance this.
And we probably got it. And we’ll find out in four to six weeks. Yeah, I
can’t wait. Okay, I gotta go. My wife’s hand just disappeared into that
busboy’s pants. Treasure? Sweetheart? We’re in public. Hey, kid, listen.
Don’t beat yourself up too bad. I’ve seen your show. You’re really
funny. – Yeah? – Yeah. But I’m Uncle Hanky. You can’t beat Uncle Hanky.
That’s just the way it is. Oh. This suit needs more flasks. – Diane! –
Aah! Will you bring me one of those big Toblerone bars? Well, sure. But,
you know, I won’t be out there for another month. Yes, I know, but I
always forget to write these things down. Tell me, how’s your little
movie? Actually one of the stars just died. It’s really sad. Oh, really?
One person died? Just one? Yeah, well, that’s a real tragedy. Meanwhile,
Diane, here in Cordovia, I’m stitching children’s arms back on. Oh,
that’s backwards, isn’t it? Are you giving me a thumb’s up or a thumb’s
down? I can’t tell. Well, now the production’s on hiatus so BoJack and I
are going on a book tour to promote the new paperback edition of One
Trick Pony. Please get here soon, Diane. The people of Cordovia need you
and I need that Toblerone. Okay, listen, you big dummy. You need to be
on your best behavior for this tour. Don’t do that BoJack thing where
you go off-script and get a lot of people mad at you. What? I don’t do
that. You’re a movie star now. Any bad press you get can hurt
Secretariat. Now boarding, Flight 422 to Juneau. Please. We’re going to
Alaska. How am I gonna offend a bunch of inbred Eskimo blubber-munchers?
You’re right. What was I thinking? The Republic of Cordovia’s Prince
Gustav visiting Los Angeles this week while his country rests on the
brink of civil war. Prince Gustav is a ruthless despot, but I’d still
rather share a bed with him than my ex-wife. Shannon, I didn’t mean
that. Listen. With Hey, I Think You Can Dance as a lead-in, we are
expecting big things for Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They
Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out, or
H.S.A.C.W.D.T.K.D.T.K.T.L.F.O. for short. – Mm. – Why don’t we get Hank
in here? You guys can get some pictures together. Hank is coming here?
That old guy from Hey, I Think You Can Dance? – What’s the big deal? –
You don’t understand. When I was a kid, this guy was the guy. I even
bought his novelty rap album, The Hank Hippopopalous Hip-Hop Hypothesis.
You shouldn’t meet your hero on an empty stomach. – Want me to go get
you some chili? – Good call. Chili is nature’s chillaxative. Hiya,
folks! Howdy! – Hank Hippopopalous. – Oh, we’ve met. Oh, oh, yeah. I
remember that. Okay, so, I thought for the ad, you guys could stand back
to back. And then on the billboard it’ll say: “Hank and Mr. Peanutbutter
are back to back. Thursdays on MBN.” So, what should I do with my arms?
Like akimbo? – You’re fine. – Reverse akimbo? – No, that – King Tut?
Mashed Potato? Windmill? Uh-oh, I’m windmilling. Got a momentum going. –
Can’t stop windmilling now. – Hey, hey. Why don’t we just do what feels
natural? Guys like us? We’re pros. “Guys like us”? You think I’m a guy
like us? Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life. Excuse me, would
you get a picture of us? Yeah, that’s kind of the idea. Now we open the
floor to questions from the audience. BoJack, your book talked a lot
about how much you love apple fritters. Yeah, thanks for that, Diane.
So, my question is: Do you think Israel has a right to defend herself? –
Uh – And what part should the U.S. play as an ally? Well, the thing
about that Uh It’s a shame that Arafat walked away from the table in
2000. I mean, obviously there’s no panacea, but a two-state solution
with an emphasis on human rights feels like a place to begin. –
Brilliant insight. – Very good. – My question is for Diane Nyu Nyu – Oh.
– Nyu – You won’t get it. Ask the question. Your book went to some
revealing places. Were you worried at all that it would hurt BoJack or
his career? That’s a great question. I’d also like to know the answer to
that, Diane. Well, I think the truth is worth pursuing, no matter what.
BoJack’s not perfect. There are other celebrities who have done much
worse things and it hasn’t hurt their careers. – Like who? – I don’t
know, like Mike Tyson or Sean Penn, or Josh Brolin, or Christian Slater,
Woody Allen, Hank Hippopopalous, Bill Murray Wait, wait, what about Hank
Hippopopalous? Well, all of his former assistants have made the same
allegations. – I feel like we’re getting off track. – Do you not know
that? Any questions about me, the handsome, famous horse with a book?
What do you have against Uncle Hanky? I’m not saying anything not on the
public record. You can just Google “Hank Hippopopalous allegations” and
I Oh, you don’t have to Google it right now. Dear God. Stanky Hanky?
Allegations vile and ranky. But first, the visiting Cordovian Prince
Gustav went missing briefly this afternoon, but he was quickly found
buying chili in Beverly Hills. His official statement was, “Uh, yeah,
I’m the Prince of Cordovia. Hooray, being a prince.” Our main story,
ominous and anomalous accusations against Hank Hippopopalous. Who is
this anonymous Diane Nguyen and what does she have against our beloved
hippopotamus? Joining me now is Hippopopalous apologist and armchair
sociologist, Cardigan Burke. Cardigan, what are these allegations? These
allegations are so crazy, I can’t even say them on TV or I’ll sound like
a crazy person. What I want to know is why we’re letting a national
treasure face the same kind of smear tactics used by the Viet Cong. Are
you calling attention to the fact that Ms. Nguyen is Vietnamese? I’d
like to think that’s a coincidence. You gotta see this set they’re
building! There’s a giant replica of my head, and every episode, the
eyes light up with dollar signs, confetti shoots out of the ears, then I
somersault out the mouth. We’re bringing class back to primetime. –
Sounds amazing. – And I’m really getting along with J.D. Salinger. – Did
you know we both hate phonies? – I did know that. So listen. Some
website called “Tit Puncher” is saying you said some stuff about Hank
Hippopopalous. Oh, my God, Mr. Peanutbutter, I didn’t mean for that to
happen. Hey, do me a favor. Please don’t make a big thing out of this.
It’s really not a good time, you know, with my show about to launch. –
Hey, we are on the same page. – Oh, are you also on “Tit Puncher”?
Because you should not read the comments. Believe me, nothing would make
me happier than for this to just go away. – Great. I love you, too. –
Hello. – Oh, my God! – Is chili you ask for. I am peasant boy Todd from
village. Friend of Peanut Man, and lover of federated American states.
No reason for suspicions. Come on! Wait a second, something’s different.
I am digging this new cologne! You smell like a fancy cabbage. Is so
great to be in meager trash city Los Angeles with no pressures of royal
life. What? Royal life? Why I’m saying? I am no royal. Look at me.
Normals. There’s that classic self-deprecating Todd wit. I’d know it
anywhere. – We will now begin our Q and A. – Fire when ready. What you
got against Uncle Hanky, you uppity cooze? Diane, I believe this
question is for you. If anyone here has any questions about the book,
I’d be happy to answer those. As would I, BoJack Horseman, Golden-Globe
winning star of the book. If Hank did anything wrong, they wouldn’t let
him on TV, right? I’m really not here to talk about that. You women are
all the same. – Excuse me? – Yeah, you make these broad accusations to
get attention for yourself, and when you don’t have proof to back it up,
you just slink away. I’m not slinking away. I just wanted to say one
thing about me. I text and drive like all the time. What? Isn’t that
what happened with all those assistants? They took his money, and they
don’t even care they could be ruining a man’s life. What? They ruined
his life? – You should probably just drop this. – Oh, I’m gonna drop it,
all right. They don’t even know how much I’m gonna drop it. The way you
said that made it sound like you won’t drop it. How dare you spread a
narrative that Don’t tell me what to spread. I’ll spread whatever I
hysterical! – This is completely – Yeah, hi. I’m Diane’s friend, BoJack.
I came with her. I gotta say I’m opposed to child labor, like as a rule,
but there are some kinds of labor that children are just better at. You
ever try to fit into a mine shaft? That is a tight squeeze. What? Oh,
man, probably gonna get some letters about that, huh? I’m so
incorrigible. Everyone’s paying attention to me now! Okay, I’m gonna go
get a snack. Anyone else want a snack? No? That’s a no? On the snacks?
Okay. What do you have against Hank Hippopopalous? Everyone says he’s a
really nice guy. Good point. That’s exactly the problem. Because he’s so
nice, people don’t wanna think he’s capable of awful things so they let
him off the hook. We don’t know what happened. It’s a classic “he said,
she said.” “He said, they said.” It’s eight different women. – Are they
all lying? – I mean, probably. We do that. At this point, we just don’t
know enough to judge. Who are these women? Have they ever shoplifted
perhaps? Do they wear short shorts? Do they drink alcohol? All these
things are possible. We don’t know the facts. See, this is part of the
problem. You’re supposed to be a journalist. You won’t even tell your
audience what he’s accused of. You’re an expert. Why don’t you tell us?
I’m not afraid to say it. Eight different women, all former assistants,
claim that Uncle Hanky took them to a What is Diane doing? I know. It’s
supposed to be my book tour and she’s upstaging me. Like how it was
supposed to be my book. Actually, this might be a thing she does. She
knows that Hippopopalous is the only thing keeping my network afloat,
right? The same network that employs her husband. Why would she do this?
Sometimes she just whips herself into a frenzy and she loses all
perspective. Goddamn it, honeydew?! Jesus, why does cantaloupe think
every time it gets invited to a party, it can bring along its dumb
friend honeydew? You don’t get a plus-one, cantaloupe! You need to talk
to her. Huh. Wanda, I just got back from a set visit on Contemporary
Family. It’s a disaster! – What? – The kids have gone through puberty.
They are rubbing themselves on everything. If it isn’t one thing, it’s
ano Just get a hose! Aha! I went to house to pick up mail for you like
real American Johnny. – Hey, man. – Whoa! You know it’s a federal crime
to go through someone else’s mail? I do not know your customs, for I am
dirt-poor servant child. Oh, don’t worry about it. Now walk me through
that mail. Death threat for wife, death threat for wife, once more death
threat, and here many monies off for Bed Bath Beyond. Seems like great
U.S.A. dream castle! Good Lord, that’s graphic. How would she even fit
one of those in there? Some sort of funnel. Oh, I see, there’s actually
an illustration. Excuse, Dog Dog Peanut Man? This wife, she poke bear,
yes? Yeah, I guess she kind of did. They have a saying where I am from,
which is here. Bear not like to be poke. – Bear get angry – Right. and
destroy peasant rebel army with fist of fire of which make many, many
nightmares to children and men! Todd, I can always count on you to give
me the straight dope. Please don’t ever change. Okay, just kill the
whole feature. Replace it with Oh, I don’t know. What’s Gwyneth doing
for Purim? Diane? I want you to meet Amanda Hannity, editor-in-chief
here at Manatee Fair. The pleasure’s yours. Walk with me, squawk with
me. That woman can knock a drink back like a Kennedy at a wake for
another Kennedy, but damn if she doesn’t get shit done. No. Yes.
Turtleneck. You’re fired. Um, okay, I wanted to pitch you an exposé on
Hank Hippopopalous. I would love to take down Hippopopalous and finally
topple the acropolis of monstrous hypocrisy that ensconces us. Hey,
do with all those extra buttons that come with your shirts. Amanda, I am
so glad you’re throwing your weight behind this. – Oh, I didn’t mean –
That dress is hideous. Go home, burn it and come back. When we know what
we know about a monster like that and we still put him on TV every week,
we’re teaching a generation of young boys and girls that a man’s
reputation is more important than the lives of the women he’s ruined.
Yes, exactly! I feel like I’ve been alone in a crazy alternate universe
these last few days. Well, you know I got your back, right? We women
have got to stick to Hey, fruit plate. No, people don’t want articles
about that. People want life-hacks. Diane, you need to be strong.
Everyone is gunning for you. You’re a woman talking out of turn about a
man. We’re not supposed to have opinions. We’re supposed to smile and
look pretty. No, this model doesn’t look as pretty as the other one. Can
we kill it? Scarves, not just for necks anymo We need to sit you down
with someone who’s willing to go on the record. I already reached out to
all eight of Hank’s former assistants. Nothing. – What about his current
assistant? – You think she’d talk? I don’t know. What do you think,
answering machine? Hi, my name’s Nicole. I work for Mr. Hippopopalous
and, um I really need to talk to someone. Are you kidding me? With this
honeydew right now? Ugh! – Nicole? – Mm-hm. Hello, Diane. Thank you,
Nicole. Prince Gustav today startled the international community when he
gave his royal fortune to charity. What? Oh, no! And fired his chief
advisor, who can be seen in this file photo looking vaguely suspicious.
Oh, you idiot! No! Big reforms which could lead to sweeping change in
the embattled region, or a precipitous economic collapse. But back to
our main story, what is Diane’s problem? I’ll say it once, for your
article. I didn’t do any of those things that you’re accusing me of. I
wanna be very clear. I’m not meeting you here because I’m scared of you.
This is me doing you a favor. – I think you are scared of me. – I’m not
a bad guy, Diane, and I truly do believe that. Twenty-four hours from
now, the news cycle will move on to something else. I’ll go back to
hosting my dance show, which employs hundreds of nice, good, hardworking
people. You, on the other hand, are pretty much done. People love me and
they’re not gonna forgive you for this. – This isn’t about me. – If you
keep pushing this, you’re gonna drag down the people close to you. Look,
you had your fun. So, why don’t you call it a day and go home to your
husband? I know who you are. Sweetheart, everyone knows who I am. I’m
Hank Hippopopalous. Who the hell are you? – So, you got nothing. – I’m
not giving up. There’s gotta be someone who will talk. Oh, listen. I had
a conversation with my bosses at AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico-
Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet- Toyota-Trader Joe’s, and we agreed these kind
of stories, they don’t sell magazines. – Are you seriously killing this?
– It’s just not a good time. So, this has nothing to do with the fact
Joe’s also owns MBN, and is currently profiting off of Hank
Hippopopalous’s good reputation? I know you’re upset. Would you like a
Joe-Joe? It’s just like an Oreo, but Trader Joe’s style. No, I don’t
want a Joe-Joe. Because you’re mad at me, right? Not because Joe-Joes
taste like garbage? So, help me to understand Dog friend’s program is to
find what celebrities know? – Yep. – So, is torture? We don’t torture
people in America, Todd. That’s called one of the amendments. No, of
course. In America, you do not know to suffer. You eat your cheesy
pizza, you drink your Ade of gator. This life is nice for visit but no
way for live. I go now. Back to palace! Sounds great, Todd. See you
tomorrow. So, they hated the skorts idea, huh? No, I didn’t pitch your
skorts idea. Hey, Diane! Why don’t you shut your stupid ugly face?!
Don’t you talk to her like that! Yeah, don’t listen to that guy, Diane.
I say you should shut your stupid pretty face. – This is not over. When
people hear what – Give it a rest. It’s over. You lost. – How could you
say that? – What are you doing here? I mean, what is your endgame in all
of this? You don’t actually believe Hank’s innocent, do you? Of course
not, but that doesn’t matter. You’re not gonna beat this guy. I – What?
– Todd? BoJack! Thank God you found me. I thought I would never see you
again. – We’re in the middle of something. – I got mixed up in some bad
stuff and a genocide may or may not have been perpetrated in my name.
Maybe you heard about it on the news? No, most of the news has been
about Diane and Hank Hippopopalous. What? Why? This is really serious.
Oh, of course your thing is serious and my thing is just a dumb feminist
trying to get attention by attacking a famous man, is that it? Uh, what?
No. – Eat shit, Diane! – You eat shit! Diane, obviously Todd doesn’t
know what you’re talking about. He spent the last few days at Burning
Man or whatever getting high. No! That’s not what happened at all. A
stranger just told me to eat shit. I don’t understand why you can’t be
gonna win this thing. Also, P.S., when have you ever been on my side? –
I am always on your side. – Really? Like when you wrote that book? Was
that you being on my side? You’re not still mad about the book. You
manipulated me and completely took advantage of Guys? There is a very
fragile alliance between the Cords and the Ovians. If we don’t do
something – Todd, nobody cares. – Nobody cares, Todd. Everything I did
was to help you tell the story I knew you wanted to tell. You got
everything you wanted because of that book. You were a joke, now people
take you seriously. You were out of work, now you got your dream role.
Okay, yes. All of that is true. But also, you were my friend and you
hurt my feelings. And it’s weird that you never apologized for that and
that you still won’t. Well I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. – Are you? –
Yes, actually. I am. I didn’t want to do that and I probably could have
handled things better. I definitely should have. I’m sorry. Okay. But
this is bigger than you and me. And I need you in my corner now because
I don’t have anybody else. Well, okay. – Yeah? – Yeah. I’m in your
corner. Guys, earlier, some general asked me if it was “a go” on “that
thing we talked about”? And I said, “Yes.” And he said, “God help us
all” and left the room. Now I’m not sure that was the right answer. So,
then I called Wayne to see if I could write a story for Buzzfeed. Here’s
the good news: They’ll publish anything. Hey, um Can I talk to you?
Yeah, of course. What’s up? I asked you, really nicely, not to make a
big thing out of this. – Yeah, I know, but someone – Had to say
something, right? And that someone had to be you? Because why? I really
don’t get it. What is accomplished by you being the one to take a stand
on this? Uh Mr. Peanutbutter This game show is a really big deal for me.
And I know that sounds stupid to you, and small. But I need this to go
well, and I can’t Those are death threats. People want to murder my wife
because of what she’s saying on the news about something that she has
nothing to do with. “You can’t. You stupid, ugly can’t.” – Yeah, that
doesn’t say “can’t.” – Oh. God, you know, you’d almost be safer in
Cordovia. Yeah, maybe I should go to Cordovia. I’m obviously not making
a difference here. Actually, maybe you should. Go feel good about
yourself and do your important work. And maybe some space might be good
for us. You don’t really want me to go, do you? Why does it suddenly
matter what I want? Flight 57, Cordovian Airlines, now boarding. Hank, I
have to ask, did you do it? No, I did not. Well, that’s good enough for
me. Coming up, Kanye West claims to hate Thin Mints. Our panel is
outraged. Hating Thin Mints? Is he legally insane? You can bet we’ll get
into this further in the next hour. This is the only thing I care about
now. Hey. Smile. Boxer versus raptor. Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na. Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
2 8 Let’s Find Out – We’re live in five minutes, folks. – Make way. Someone
find out the average rainfall in Bora Bora. Thank you so much for doing
this. Hey, there are a lot of advantages to being the girlfriend of a
big celebrity. It’s more than being an elbow they couldn’t crop out of a
red-carpet shot in US Weekly. – I’ve been that elbow. – Hello, what have
we here? So you know how the game’s played, right? I’m sure I’ll pick it
up. How hard could it be? You didn’t read the treatment? I faxed it to
you. My bad, our fax machine isn’t plugged in. BoJack, this is our first
show and it is very important that things run smoothly tonight. I mean,
and a waste of everybody’s time. But you’re my girlfriend and I care
about you. – So I’m here. – Okay. Break a leg. Me, me, me. My, my, my.
Bow-wow-wow-wow. Good boy, good boy. Okay, this is it, everybody. Moment
of truth. Now it’s in the hands of god. And for the next 30 minutes, I
am that God. – I got you an iPad, ma’am. – Oh, no thanks, Mia. I’m still
working my way through the last 30 years of technology. Right now I’m on
Palm Pilot. But you can use our second screen app to see what viewers
say about the show as it airs. Oh, cool, I love stupid bullshit like
this. Ooh. Oh, you just touch it. Hello, I am Mustache Todd. Like
regular Todd, but with a mustache. Listen boo-boo, I didn’t graduate
first in my class from a prestigious university, rise through the ranks
at an elite news organization, win a well-known award, never ever be
sick at sea and also my name is Mia McKibben, so that I could deal with
your nonsense. Todd, stay out of Hair and Makeup. But I like it there.
They brush my hair and tell me stories about their weekends. Big-nosed
Todd wasn’t funny, Zombie Todd wasn’t funny, Pretty Lady Todd wasn’t
funny, and this isn’t funny. No more tomfoolery. When it’s me, we call
it “Todd-foolery.” We certainly do not call it that. Listen up,
everyone. What you are part of tonight is bigger than you. It’s bigger
than any of us. I expect all of you to work together. But I also expect
that one of you will tower above the rest. And that outstanding
individual will receive this pen. It was through this pen that I bled
Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters upon the page. Also, it has four
different colors. Black, red, blue and for some reason, green. By the
end of tonight, this pen will be bestowed upon the person most
deserving. Because nothing is more important than television, and no one
more important than the people who make that television. – Now, let’s
get to work. – And five, four, – three, two – Showtime. Live from the
historic Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, J.D. Salinger Presents: Hollywoo
Stars And Celebrities, What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s
Find Out! Ah. All right! Here we go. Listen to that crowd. If they lose
it this much for Mr. Peanutbutter, can you imagine what they’re going to
do for a real celebrity? Hey, this is Mr. Peanutbutter’s show, so be
nice. When you say nice, do you mean kind? Or, like, delivering a lot of
sick burns, so that people in the audience go, “Nice.” The first one.
Obviously the first one. Tonight we answer the age-old question:
“Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know? Do they know things?
Let’s find out!” And now our first-ever guest. You know him from his
years on Horsin’ Around, his drunk appearance on The View, and his
bestselling book, it’s BoJack Horseman. There you are. How are you
doing? – BoJack, welcome. – It is great to be here. Sorry, no time for
idle chit-chat, because we’ve entered – the Small Talk Round. – The what
now? Thirty seconds on the clock. BoJack, how are you? – Uh, fine? –
Correct. – Did you see the game last night? – No, I don’t follow Oh. Oh,
so sorry. It says here you did see the game. – What game? – Ready camera
one? Camera one. You tell me. You’re the one who saw it. I don’t God,
no! – What the? – That noise means it’s time for your first General
Knowledge question. Audience, does BoJack know things? Let’s find out!
BoJack, what is the average annual rainfall in Bora Bora? – Uh, this is
general knowledge? – It’s just an average we’re asking for. – I don’t
know, seven? – Wrong! So wrong. Wow, when it comes to Bora Bora, maybe
this celebrity should have studied more-a more-a. Yes, Mr. Peanutbutter.
Go for the kill. – That doesn’t really seem – They’re all dead! I
watched them die! – What is? – Oh-ho. That sound means it’s time to pick
With Mr. Peanutbutter.” At the Movies With Mr. Peanutbutter. Good
choice. After seeing J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek reboot, did I call it: A, “A
visual feast for the senses,” B, “A zestful lark through time and
space,” C, “The best Zachary Quinto movie of all time,” or D, “All of
the above”? – I’ll say D? – Ouch, the answer was A and B. Though I would
also agree with C. So I told Mr. Peanutbutter I’d drive him here, and
next thing I know, I’m an Associate Producer. Stupid me. I went to
Stanford. Next time I’ll just try that thing where I’m a huge dumb-ass
who happens to be friends with Mr. Peanutbutter. – Yup. – Cool. Well,
have fun watching me win that pen. I don’t need a pen. I can walk into
any Chili’s with a child under 12 and get crayons for free. You don’t
get it. If Salinger gives you his pen, that means you’re worth
something. It means you’re a serious person who’s going places.
Actually, you know what? Don’t worry about it. It’s not for you. I’m
gonna go with nuclear fusion. Oh, the answer is Egypt. Turn up the
directional heat lamps. Oh, yeah. Let’s really make him sweat. Surprised
you didn’t get that one, since you’re an expert when it comes to
DE-Nile. Quick impression. “I’m not an alcoholic.” You love it. Oh,
yeah, pretty good one from King Mutt over here. Am I right? You know,
like King Tut? Because we’re talking about Egypt? And Mr. Peanutbutter’s
a mutt, so You suck. I’m a yellow lab, BoJack. You could get one thing
right tonight. Anyway, let’s take a moment to look at the great comments
we’ve been getting on our second screen app, now available for download.
And we’re out. Fifteen seconds, everybody. – Hey, how am I doing? –
You’re kind of being a dick. Hey, are we at Tony Roma’s right now?
Because there’s a lot of ribbing going on here. I’m not ribbing you. I’m
telling you, you’re And we’re back in three, two Welcome back. Will
BoJack Horseman go down in show history as our worst contestant ever? So
far, yes. Wow. J.D., people are loving this show. Wait till they see
this. Mia, get ready to drop the bomb. Death from above! Uh-oh. That
sound means it’s time to drop “DA” bomb. And yes folks, I said “DA,” not
“the.” What I’m trying to say is, it’s a positive bomb. Audience, let’s
Drop DA bomb! Did you guys all practice before the show, because Ladies
and gentlemen, we’ve had some fun with our little celebrity. But now,
let’s meet our big celebrity. – Big celebrity? – Say hello to – Daniel
Radcliffe! – Hi, I’m Daniel Radcliffe. Hello. Oh, my God! It’s Daniel
Radcliffe! We’ll find out what our big celebrity knows right after this
break. And we’re out. Oh, we’re cooking now. Hey, you, you’re doing
great. I’m not 100 percent watching because I’m so engrossed in the
second screen experience, but according to the second screen experience,
other people are loving the show. You didn’t tell me there would be
another celebrity. Well, I had no idea that was coming but some guy
named Dong-Slinger-420 loved the surprise. He said, “Two dongs way up.”
There was no mention of another bigger celebrity in the document you
faxed? I couldn’t read it. My fax machine cut it into little strips. –
That sounds like a shredder. – Well, I guess I shredded it to you. I
gotta deal with this. If I don’t interact with this app every 80
seconds, it charges my credit card five dollars. Love you. Ehh you, too.
Could you get the base a little less pale? – Hey, Daniel, good to see
you. – Always nice to meet a fan. – No, sorry, I’m not a, uh I’m an
actor. – Oh, good for you. It’s a dreadful business but hang in there.
No, I already did hang in there. I’m BoJack Horseman? We’ve actually met
before. At Chris Martin’s holiday party? We stepped outside for a smoke?
– To get away from Chris Martin? – Huh. You opened up about your fear of
success? I gave you some advice? You said I was a true friend and you
would never forget me? And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman? –
BoJack Horseman. – Oh, I’m sorry. When you’re as famous as I am, you
meet so many people. Sorry, we need you guys back on set. You were the
second hairdresser’s assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago.
Veronica, right? – Yeah, that’s right. – How was your mother’s party in
the end? And we’re back in five, four, three, two So you never say one,
huh? – Welcome back, America. – We love you, Daniel. So do I. So let’s
watch our celebrities go Audience? Head to head! How could they possibly
know that? This is the first episode, right? The puppets clap when the
puppetmaster pulls the strings. Hello. Serious, Going-Places Todd at
You know you’re not allowed in Hair and Makeup. – Are you wearing roller
skates? – I’m wearing Heelys. They’re shoes with wheels, for efficiency
purposes. – Now I can be serious faster. – You can also go nowhere
faster. Seeing as I am a professional No! Oh, BoJack. Another
12 dollars. Why are we playing for both points and dollars? – Oh, tough
break, B.J. Novak! – My name is Our next question is to Mr. Radcliffe.
“What color comes from the combination of blue and yellow?” I actually
know this one. When I was growing up, my neighbor was a painter. I
remember visiting his flat and watching him work. Sometimes he would mix
together blue paint with yellow paint and it made an entirely new color.
And that man was Banksy. And that color was green. – Final answer. –
Correct! You’ve earned the chance to go for a spin in our KIA Sportage
Cash Grab Booth. Oh, splendid. And while Daniel’s in the booth, BoJack,
you have an essay question. – What? – You’ll find a blue book on your
podium. “To what extent was feudalism a cause of the French Revolution?”
– Wait, are you ser Oh! – And go! While BoJack works, let’s check out
the action on our KIA Sportage Cash Grab Booth Cam. – Hey, champ. – What
are you doing here? I’m trying to write an essay. I came to ask you how
you were doing and then to tell you you’re not doing so well. Why am I
getting the hard questions, while Boy Wizard over there just has to know
colors and literally grab cash out of thin air? A five! This is so easy!
I think I might be able to help you out. Let me tell you a story. The
year was 2003 and for some reason, everyone was playing poker all of a
sudden. A then-relevant Wilmer Valderrama used to host a weekly
how-do-you-do and all the stars came out to show off their tricks. There
was Lucy Lawless, Lucy Liu, Lori Laughlin, Lisa Loeb, the dog from
Frasier, and at the head of the table? Big Money himself,
Mr. Peanutbutter. Whoops. Woh-oh. I thought, “Here’s a rube.” But Lady
Luck had other plans. You know what, I got an essay to write, so if this
isn’t about the precipitous fall of the French ruling class But then I
saw, the kid had a tell. I feel like that story had a lot of unnecessary
details in it. Listen. You have to pay close attention, it’s subtle, but
when he gets excited, his ears ever so slightly flop up and give him
away. Well, that’s no surprise. Guy’s been flopping upwards his whole
career. Mm-hm. Watch the ears. Time’s up, Daniel. Whoa, looks like D to
the R to the Ad to the Cliffe just won 54,000 bonus dollars. And BoJack
barely got beyond his thesis statement. “A continent ravaged by war,
coupled with the retreat of the church from secular life” And then it
just stops? Oh, that’s gonna cost you some serious pesos. But first,
it’s time for our Multiple Choice Buzz-In Round. A buzz-in round? All
right. In is my favorite direction in which to buzz. Tell me, “How many
oak trees are needed to build an 18th century triple-Decker Royal Navy
battle ship? A, 75? B, 1000? Or C, 3500?” C! 3500! – Um, correct. – Uh,
what? Uh, wow. That’s, uh That’s actually correct. How the hell did he
know that? What else does he know? Does he know things? Let’s find out.
Quantum tunneling. King Magnus the Second. Miss Scarlet in the library
with the lead pipe. Sassafras. Butterscotch! Argyle. Because seven eight
nine. What an amazing run. It looks like we’ve got a tied game. Which is
an exciting surprise. – Goddamn it, throw to commercial. – We’ll be
right back. – Hey. Horshack. What’s going on? – What’s going on is I’m
kicking your ass. Yeah, you know, you’re doing great, but I’m supposed
to win. That was the deal. Plug my movie, win money for charity. Well,
tell Charity she can kiss my ass. By the way, your girlfriend has a
stripper name. It’s not my girlfriend, it’s charity. BoJack, according
to this app, you’re almost tied. Oh, you are tied, there’s a lag.
Congratulations. Thanks. It was touch and go But I’m a little concerned
because it seems like you might actually win, but everyone on the app is
really rooting for Daniel. People love him. I guess he was in some movie
about a potter or a Pottery Barn or something? – Are you asking me to
here is for me, so maybe you could help me out? – Okay. – You know what?
You’re the best, no matter what everybody on this app says. They say
you’re the worst. Especially Queefburglar69. He’s their leader. And
we’re back. Contestants, I’ve got a history question for both of you.
“You may or may not be familiar with a famous racehorse named
Secretariat. In what year did Secretariat win the Triple Crown?” BoJack.
Piece of cake. Hmm? Um, 1492? What? No, not even close. BoJack, aren’t
you in a movie about Secretariat? – How could you not know that? – Let’s
just move on. Maybe instead, he should be in a movie about a guy who
doesn’t know anything about Secretariat. That would not be a good movie.
I mean, more like Secre-terrible. Damn, Bojangles, you got served. Do
you know anything about Secretariat? You know he was a horse, right? Oh,
wait, did I just spoil it for you? No wonder my wife had to write your
book for you. Hey, yeah, you know, while we’re talking about your wife,
I’ve got a question. How come your wife flew all the way to war-torn
Cordovia just to get away from you? That’s not what happened. She went
to help people. Or maybe she went to help herself get away from her
awful marriage. – Oh, was that too far? – Oh-ho, you want to get into
things? – Well, I mean – No, no, no, let’s get into things. Let’s get
real. Everybody, BoJack wants to get real. Cancel the Bubble Round.
Because we’re getting real. Should we cut to commercial? Would Homer cut
away from Odysseus’s journey just as he was being enticed by the sirens’
song? No? Well, there you are. Things are getting real out here. Really
real. Really, really, really real! – Uh, I’m not sure where you’re going
– Oh, no? You knew where you were going with my wife that time you
pulled over by the side of the road. – You know, a week before we got
married? – Uh You want to talk about that, BoJack? You want to talk
about the time when you, my “good friend,” kissed my wife? – No! – Yes.
Did something exciting just happen? Because people on the app are, and I
quote, “losing their tits.” Oh, no, no, I’ve stumbled on to a cancer
support message board. Okay, how do I? How did you know about that?
Well, there are roadside cameras all along the PCH, I have a few friends
in the highway patrol, and she told me, of course! We’re married! Wait,
so you’ve known all this time? Now this is television. Turn on the rain.
Um, don’t you think you’re pushing them too far? I’ll tell you when it’s
too far. This is my art, goddamn it. I’m J. goddamn D. goddamn Salinger,
and I want rain! All I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you treat
me like a big joke. You think I don’t notice? Why don’t you like me? –
Mr. Peanutbutter – No, tell me. – Because I’m jealous. – Oh. – Of what?
Diane? – No. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you. Oh, and it
doesn’t for you? You’re a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who
loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else
could the universe possibly owe you? I want to feel good about myself.
The way you do. And I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can. Whoa, guys,
this is getting a little heavy, don’t we think? I’m sorry,
Mr. Peanutbutter. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Wow, um, I don’t know
if I can forgive you. But I guess we’ll find out right after this break.
– Damn. – Shut up. I knew it. I knew this show would bring us to the
heights of human drama more powerfully than literature ever dreamed. Now
somebody go out and get me a Red Bull and a banana fish sandwich. On it.
It’s a perfect day for a Red Bull. Whoa-oh! – Mr. Peanutbutter! – Oh,
hey Wanda. I’m only half paying attention to whatever you two are
arguing about but it’s killer. Now all we need is a happy ending. I
don’t think we can just resolve everything cleanly in a half-hour. Uh,
this is network television. So resolving everything cleanly in a
half-hour is kind of what we do. You want to host a game show where
everyone feels bad at the end? You can get in your little car, drive to
Santa Monica and pitch it to AMC. But these people want resolution,
okay? So you get your little butt back on that stage and you resolve. Uh
And we’re back. You know, I did some thinking over the break. BoJack –
What’s going on? – Oh, my God. No! No! What’s happening? Oh. Someone
unplugged the main power line and plugged in a George Foreman Grill.
Panini time. Hey, who unplugged Todd! Goddamnit, step aside! Mia, good
work. You saved the show. You earned my respect and this pen. Oh, thank
you. Aww. Oh, are we back? We’re back! Live television, folks. You know,
during the break, my producers told me I had to forgive BoJack live on
the air. But I’m my own dog. And as my own dog, I decided to forgive
BoJack live on the air! Bring it in, buddy! – What? – Really?
Mr. Peanutbutter, I applaud your forgiving nature, but this guy kissed
your wife. Wait, BoJack kissed Diane? The only way to even the score is
if you get to kiss him. – Wait, what? – You’re right, it makes perfect
sense. – Yeah, absolutely. – No, it doesn’t. That way Diane and I will
have had the same experience. It’s the only way we can move past this.
Well, if it helps us move past this, I guess Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Cue the
Kiss Cam. Oh, if only I’d had a Kiss Cam for Catcher In The Rye. Well,
just one more regret on a long list of many. Todd, there you are. You’re
missing a pretty big moment out there. I don’t care. You said it
yourself. Without that pen, I’m totally worthless. Not for nothing, but
you were worthless before you didn’t get the pen. I really tried this
time. I guess I’ll never really amount to anything. Well, maybe you just
need someone to believe in you. Wow, no one’s ever fallen for that! –
What? – You’re so stupid! You had the pen and you just gave it to me?!
Oh, I can’t believe that worked. Oh, my God, look at your stupid face.
The pen is just a symbol. It doesn’t Yeah, said the girl who doesn’t
have a pen right now. Unbelievable. You are the most annoying, immature,
aggravating, irritating, crazy-making Oh, she was mad, all right. But
kids? That’s the story of how I met this pen. Hey, get out of Hair and
Makeup and give me back my pen! I got your pen. That means you respect
me. – No it does not. – Viva Todd-foolery! Suck a dick, dumbshits. Hey!
Hey, hey! Well, that stern but supple kiss puts you over the top. BoJack
Horseman is tonight’s winner. Well played, Jock-jam Door-slam. You’ve
earned $500,000 for charity. You can walk away right now or, and remember, this is for charity, you can risk it all in our Double or Nothing round. I wanna risk it all! All right. Now that’s$500,000. If
you get this question right, you double that, a million dollars for
charity. But if you get it wrong, the charity gets nothing and all the
money will be set on fire live here on our studio soundstage. BoJack,
for all the marbles: “Which famous actor played the titular role in the
popular Harry Potter film franchise?” – Oh. – Huh. Yeah. I don’t know.
When you’re as famous as I am, you meet so many people, it’s impossible
to remember them all. Okay, I get what you’re doing. Very funny. Yeah.
Oh, what is that guy’s name? You know, it’s on the tip of my tongue? Are
you serious right now? Dude, this is for charity. – BoJack, we need an
answer. – Yeah, I don’t know. Gosh, I wanna say – Elijah Wood? – What?
Elijah Wood?! Boxer versus raptor. Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na. Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
2 9 The Shot (26 min) Sir, you can’t send me to Vietnam. I can do whatever I
want. I’m president of the goddamn United States of America. Isn’t that
right, Checkers? That’s what it says on your business cards. There are
going to be riots in the streets. I’m Secretariat. You think I’m afraid
of a few rioting hippies? Don’t make me laugh. Ha-hoo. Or whatever a
laugh sounds like. Please, I’ll do anything. You gotta send someone else
in my place. Hmm. Perhaps an arrangement can be arranged. I’m just an
athlete. I’m no hero. My brother Jeffretariat is the hero. He’s fighting
the Reds over in ‘Nam, which is necessary to protect our way of life.
And another hero is President Nixon. He is one groovy dude. Groovy. What
the hell are you doing? Sorry, Mommy! Don’t you dare put that out. That
is a perfectly good cigarette, and you are going to finish it. But I
don’t wanna. And I don’t want to be the mother of a quitter. Finish it.
Jesus Christ, you can’t even smoke a cigarette right. Don’t you dare
cry, don’t you ever cry. You wanted this. Are you punishing me for
smoking or for stealing? I’m punishing you for being alive. Ugh. Uh,
BoJack? You really shouldn’t throw a lit cigarette off the Fine. I’ll
call 911. The fire department got everything under control, but the
cable’s out for the neighborhood. I don’t understand what started the
fire. Nobody knows where fires come from, it’s a mystery. Anyway, I am
fired up about my first day back on set. We’re gonna finish that big
Nixon scene. We were just one shot away before we went on hiatus. Yeah,
I know. You told me at breakfast. Why did you call me? Usually I talk to
Diane on the way to work, but she abandoned me to teach piano in
Cordovia or something. Oh. Well, glad you settled for me because Diane
wasn’t available. You bet. Oh, man, I’m gonna kill in this Nixon scene.
BoJack gonna be in “da” house. In da White House. What happened to da
house set? Da White House set? – Things changed a little. – You cut the
Nixon scene? The Nixon scene is the core of the whole movie. Where we
see Secretariat be morally corrupted and get to look into the real
darkness of his soul. It’s still all that, except now it happens while
you give a Christmas present to your nieces and they hug you while your
butt is stuck in a chimney. Is one of the nieces Nixon? Over hiatus, we
ran a focus group. People don’t want all that controversial stuff. But
we were supposed to make a gritty movie about the real Secretariat. –
Warts and all. – Kid, “warts and all” don’t pay bubkes. That’s why they
took the gay stuff out of A Beautiful Mind. Know that guy who spent 12
years as a slave? They don’t talk about the 60 years he spent as a jerk.
– Kelsey, you’re okay with this? – Eh That’s showbiz. See, BoJack,
that’s the shrug of a pro who gets it. Good shrugging, kid. Yo!
Care-to-the-O-to-the-Lyn-to-the That’s the end of your name. We need to
talk. We’ll meet in the supply closet in one minute. Break! Oh, okay.
Ooh, ow. Carolyn, when you’re in the throes of a very ugly divorce such
as I am, along with all that pain and degradation comes a certain
perfect clarity, and right now that clarity is telling me that you and I
should get out of here. Well, what do you mean, “get out of here”?
Beautiful, I’m starting my own agency, and I want you to be my partner
in crime. What? But I can’t just leave Vigor. I’ve been here 20 years.
Who’s gonna water the plants? Um, I’m sorry. You water the plants? I
started doing it as an intern, but then no one told me to stop, so it’s
still kind of my job. Carolyn, you are my gritty, witty city kitty. I
want you with me, fifty-fifty. Things are so crazy for me right now. I
Don’t give me that, you want crazy. “Crazy” is your favorite Patsy Cline
song and your second favorite Gnarls Barkley song. I don’t want crazy.
I’ve got five episodes of The Good Wife piled up on my DVR, and I just
want a night off to enjoy them. Well, if that’s how you feel, I guess I
could just go to Vanessa Gekko. – Gekko?! – But I’d rather look at you
all day. You’re an amazing agent. And you’re bright, and you’re fun. And
I think we could make something really special. We weren’t doing
anything! We were just looking for closet supplies. Are you the person
to talk to about unclogging the toilet? Stuart, I’m your boss. Okay, but
you’re the one in the janitor’s closet, so What, I’m the idiot? The
first thing you notice about Sebastian St. Clair is that he speaks in
paragraphs. Even I can’t believe how much good we’ve done here, and I’ll
believe almost anything. In the last six weeks, we dug a new well, built
a school, and next month the community center is doing Seussical. There
we go. In his previous life, Sebastian owned a chain of high-end
department stores. I want to stock up on muffs. We’re going to sell a
lot of muffs this winter. Huzzah! Diane, I lived a life of power and
luxury, and then my picture was in the newspaper. – A real-life
newspaper! – Uh-huh. But I knew my life was empty. At night I heard the
cries of children sick and dying. And I would scream into the night.
Shut up! Shut up, children! But the phantom cries would not abate. And
so I began my travels, with little more than a compass, a yearning for
adventure, and several crates full of unsold muffs. I knew there were
people out there just waiting for my help. Diane, this is Kinko. I am
Kinko. In his language, it means, orphan whose parents were murdered by
rebels and will die young, probably from malaria. Hi, Kinko. I’m Diane.
It means, my parents liked the show Cheers. Cheers! Oh, you’re good.
You’re very good. When Sebastian St. Clair says you’re good, you want to
believe that you really are. That you, like Sebastian, are part of
something bigger than just yourself. And for a moment, you feel like you
are. Oh, Kinko made a mess. Now I finally realize that a triple hug is
way more valuable than a Triple Crown. And cut. Neat. – Let’s break for
lunch. – Oh! Kelsey, this is a nightmare. I had to touch three children
today, and one of them was sticky. Yeah, it was you. Wash your damn
hands, you gremlin. – BoJack, there’s nothing we can do. – No, this
isn’t you. I’ve seen everything you’ve done. Your films are challenging
and gritty, and they’re great. I’m not just saying that because they’re
full of lesbians. Look, even if I wanted to finish that Nixon scene, we
don’t have an Oval Office set. There’s one at the Nixon Library in Yorba
Linda. Why on earth do you know that? In season three of Horsin’ Around,
the horse got elected president and we shot on location. We can sneak
into the library and get the shot, guerilla-style. Once Turteltaub sees
it, he’ll love it, and we can make the movie we both want to make. –
Okay, I’m in. Let’s do it. – All right! Did they really make your
character president? Only for season three. In season four, it turned
out it was all a dream. They called my airplane Air Horse One. And the
vice president was a hip-hop zebra named Zebro. – Come on. – It wasn’t
our best season. But on the bright side, was not our worst. Step one, we
go to the Nixon Library and steal the scale model. Welcome to my
library. I’m Nixon.. Yeah, you know, some people say I look like Nixon.
Not because he’s my dad or anything. That’s crazy. Nixon’s not my dad.
But if you have any questions about Nixon, I’d be happy to answer them.
Yeah, I have a question. Um Is that the lighted exit sign from Nixon’s
boyhood home? Uh, no, that’s just an exit sign. – Is that – Here we go.
the handicapped drinking fountain he used in the White House? No, just a
normal drinking fountain. – Hang on. – One more. – Is that the smoke
alarm? – No. So the Oval Office is right here, next to the men’s room. I
remember because season three of Horsin’ Around was a big cocaine year.
All the pressures of being president. – I don’t see how we’ll pull this
lock-pick in the city. – Not interested. – Okay. The second best
lock-pick in the city. – No way I’m doing that. – Got it. A lock-pick.
Todd, can you pick locks? – Kind of. – Great. You’re in. We’ll need an
expert cat burglar. All right, Good Wife, let’s see what you got. Hey,
Princess Carolyn! Kelsey and I are gonna break into the Nixon library to
steal a shot for our Secretariat movie. It’s a super-sneaky, kooky caper
that stands to benefit you in no way. Are you in? Hey! Shut up down
there! – You shut up! – Make me! Hey, you got a problem? Take it up with
my agent, your downstairs neighbor Princess Carolyn. We’ll need someone
to play Checkers. Hey, Chicago! Al Capone, deep dish. What does Ethan
Hawke know? We’ll find out tonight. Da Bears. BoJack, I’d love to help
you out, but I’m super-busy recording promos for television’s
highest-rated new game show. – We can probably do it without you. – This
next one’s for Seattle. Hey, Seattle! Space Needle, Starbucks. What does
Ethan Hawke know? We’ll find out tonight. Rain. It’s too bad though
because I could really bring a lot to this project. The more I think
about it, Checkers wouldn’t even be in the shot. It’s just a single on
Secretariat. Hey, Waco, Texas! Terrible tragedy. What does Ethan Hawke
know? – We’ll find out tonight. So sorry. – You know what? Forget I even
asked. – Twist my arm, why don’t you? I’ll do it. – Okay. Finally, we’ll
need a criminal mastermind. Character actress Margo Martindale, you’ve
been a model prisoner. I’m glad I served my time. But now I’m ready to
move on with my life and get back to doing small roles in
critically-acclaimed films and television shows. Watch, purse, lipstick,
Emmy Award for Best Guest Actress. I need your help with a break-in.
BoJack, I’ve been out of prison for two minutes. What took you so long?
Kelsey, Mr. Peanutbutter and I are gonna break into the library. But the
problem is, the place is crawling with cops. They’re on high alert
because some idiot stole this model last night. Yeah, nice work, Todd.
Who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you. You’re adorable. Look at your
big saucer eyes. I can go swimming in them! – Totally. – Now, we need to
lose the cops. The rest of you will create a diversion by breaking into
the only other place in Yorba Linda of cultural significance: the
Discount Fine Art Gallery in the strip mall, between the tanning salon
and the adult bookstore. Once you set off the alarm, all the cops will
go there. Now, things could get ugly. One of you is very likely to die.
– Possibly Alan. – Why possibly Alan? Well, you are the guy none of us
knows that well. I just came to fix your cable. Alan, you already know
too much. You’re a part of this now, like it or not. – But – Hey, you
think you could keep it down? I’m reading a script and I’m having
trouble focusing, so now my notes are gonna be confusing and vague.
We’re almost done. I know you’re having fun with your police cars, I
just wish you would have asked before you invited these people over. – I
live here, too. – You’re right. I’m sorry. And can you at least let Alan
fix the cable before he dies? I can’t die. I’m endangered! “And the
truffle-infused gnocchi was the star dish at this up-and-comer that will
please the pickiest of Brooklynites and the less discerning Staten
Islander.” When I grow up, I can be food critic for New Yorker? You can
do anything you want in life. Not everyone can write for The New Yorker,
but there’s always The Atlantic. Diane, I’m concerned you’re spending a
lot of time with this sickly child. Remember, you’re supposed to be
writing about me. Sure, but isn’t this why we’re here? To help these
people? I’m here to help these people. You’re here to help me help them
by writing a book about me so people back home will give money to my
foundation. Great. Okay, come on. Over here. Get it. We’re in. It’s too
late to turn back now. One of us isn’t going to come out of this alive.
Why do you all keep saying that? Why can’t we all assume we’re gonna
make it out alive and go from there? Alan, we’ve got enough problems
without worrying about your imminent death. Can’t we just all shut up
and do this? Why does everything have to be a big, complicated mess?
Like, look at this Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s simple. And serene. And
pleasant. I think that the vest makes me look kind of chunky. I don’t do
CrossFit five days a week to not look sweet in this uniform. I swear to
God, if you don’t shut up about CrossFit Break-in at the Discount Fine
Art Gallery at the strip mall. Let’s roll! That’s a thing we say at
CrossFit. Remember when my character on Mr. Peanutbutter’s House was –
elected president? – Let me guess, it was all a dream? No, I served half
a term, then resigned because when Zachary had a bad time with peer
pressure, I realized I was spending too much time being president and
not enough time being a dad. It’s like you didn’t even watch my show.
Okay, I’d like you here. And then you are going to be over here. –
Freeze! – I’m union. – Playing dead. – Breaking and entering? That is
against everything Nixon stood for. We didn’t mean to cause trouble.
We’re trying to make a movie about Nixon. Yeah? What, another leftist
screed about how corrupt he was? – Uh – Or is it about how he had an
illegitimate son, and the son never knew who his dad was, but always had
a hunch it was Nixon, and then that son grew up to be the security guard
at the Nixon Library? The second one? Well, if that’s true, how come you
don’t have an actor here to play Nixon? Because we couldn’t find anyone
who could appropriately capture his magic. You know, I do a pretty good
Nixon. You? No way. Hello, I’m Nixon. I can’t be at your soccer game,
but I am your father and I love you very much. Oh, my God. He’s perfect.
We’ve found our Nixon. I can be ready in five. Uh. Did we get the shot?
It’s so peaceful. – Okay, folks. – Aah! Party’s over. That’s something
we say at CrossFit. Ugh. Wait a sec I know you! You were in Justified.
You were amazing. Okay, you caught me. I am kind of a well-known
character actress. I am such a huge fan, Miss, uh What? What’s your
name? Sure, of course. Everyone loves my work, but apparently not enough
to watch the credits and find out what my name is. The important thing
is that we enjoy your great performances, right? – How about you enjoy
this? Aah! – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Margo, I thought we agreed, no guns. Oh,
is that what we agreed to? I thought we said “no gum.” But you’re also
chewing gum. I’m a wild card. – Aah! – Return fire! Watch out! Oh, no!
Alan’s dead! No, I’m fine. The bullet hit my cell phone. Oh, no! Alan’s
cell phone is dead! Nope, phone’s fine, too. Oh, hey, I got a text from
my wife. She’s going into labor. Guys, I’m gonna be a dad! See you
later! Die, you chunky assholes! See, Jeff? This is what I’m talking
about. Shoot! Oh. – How could this be any more perfect? – Yoo-hoo.
Vanessa Gekko. How did you get in this painting? I’m your servant, of
course. In your infinite generosity, you gave me this job when it became
clear that I don’t have what it takes to be a “Hollywoo” power-agent.
Also, my husband left me. And my children married each other in an
unholy incestuous union. Plus, I have, like, colitis or something. How
appropriate! Fetch me drink, wench. – Right away, ma’am. – Ah. Diane The
second thing you notice about Sebastian St. Clair is how much he talks
about himself. This way is the library I built. And over there is the
statue of me building the library. And on that wall is a painting of me
posing for the statue. – Put a chapter in your book about that. –
Uh-huh. The only respite from his constant bombast is sleep, and even
then, sometimes Everybody Those of you who can walk, I mean. let’s drag
these corpses to the mass grave behind the playground. We need to make
room for my new hospital. – Where’s Kinko? Is he okay? – Oh, no, no,
he’s certainly dead. See, Diane, I told you not to make friends. Jesus,
you don’t care about any of these people. You’re just using them as
props for your big-shot superhero act. Diane, the dead will not benefit
from our grief, but the survivors need a new hospital and we need to
build it. This is too much. If you’re going to survive, you’ll need to
harden up. I asked you to join me because I thought you could handle it.
– But if you can’t, you can go home. – I I can handle it. Great! Let’s
drag some bodies! Kinko! Oh, never mind. Hey, um, how come Nixon gets a
line and I don’t get a line? We only gave him a line so he wouldn’t call
the police. – If I call the police, will I get a line? – No, we won’t
use it in the movie. We only need the one-shot of me. I just think if he
gets a line, I should get a line. – Ugh. Actors. – Okay, positions
brother is how I feel about the son I’ll never know. But I look at the
moon and so does he. That’s how I know we’re connected. And I’m
Checkers. All right, so, BoJack, you’ve been told that your brother,
Jeffretariat, the one Nixon sent to Vietnam in your place, is dead.
You’re feeling the weight of that guilt. And the tears start to flow.
And the tears start to flow. Oh. I don’t cry in front of other people.
Well, you need to. This is the emotional climax of the movie. Yeah,
okay, but I don’t cry in front of other people. I can’t. Really, never?
Come on. What if someone tells you they’ll take you to the park, and
they keep talking about the park and all the fun you’ll have, but then
But then they don’t take you to the park. I need a second. Well, I’m
sorry, I can’t do it. I didn’t know you wanted me to cry. Can you give
us the room, please? There’s a park right outside we can hang out at. –
Oh! – Oh, we can’t, the sprinklers are on. Ah. Well, another beautiful,
serene day in magical fantasy-painting world. Queen Princess Carolyn, if
I may, I have some exciting news. I just landed a new client. – The mill
owner! – Huh? We’re doing a three-picture deal about his waterwheel. –
Wait, you’re making deals here? – I’ll say. I’m now the biggest agent in
the entire idyllic New England village. It’s like you don’t even read
the idyllic New England village trades. What? No! You’re polluting my
perfect serene dream life. Why is this happening? I don’t know. It’s
your fantasy. But if you ask me, I don’t think you want perfect and
serene and enough time to catch up on The Good Wife. Stop kidding
yourself, Princess Carolyn. If you really wanted the simple life, you’d
have a simple life. Oh, my God. I gotta get out of here. Bye! Hey. Yeah,
I got rid of her. Now this place is all mine. Get your demo guys
together. Let’s tear this old Tudor down and put up some condos! Okay.
This isn’t just for me. It’s for John Carroll Lynch, C.C.H. Pounder, and
all the other character actors who live in lucrative obscurity. The
blood I spill today is for us all! I’m character actress Margo
Martindale! Yeah, I’m going to go with Princess Carolyn. Hmm. – Hello? –
Hey. There you are! I’ve been trying to call you all week. – Yeah, the
coverage in Cordovia is – Diane, Diane. Listen, I gotta tell you: I’m
sorry I gave you such a hard time about your trip. The truth is, I
really am so proud of you. A lot of people talk big, but you’re actually
out there helping people. You’re the real deal, Diane. – Yeah – How is
it there? Is it amazing? It’s good. It’s hard, but it’s good. I miss
you. I miss you, too, but I promise, these six months are gonna fly by.
Yeah. How’s the game show going? Oh, shit, I completely forgot I’m
supposed to be hosting a game show right now. I gotta go. And that’s
when you realize that the book you’ve been writing in your head is never
actually going to be a book, so you stop I know what you’re gonna say.
I’m a dumb sitcom actor who’s in over his head. I’m sorry that I thought
I could do this. And I’m sorry I made you come here. I’m sorry for
everything. I don’t know what I’m doing. BoJack, sit down. You’ve just
is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running.
Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken,
and it can never be fixed. We got it. Really? I didn’t cry. You didn’t
have to. Turteltaub’s gonna love this. – Oh. All right. – Thanks for
talking me into this. Just so you know, I’m really glad we’re making
this movie together. – Didn’t know I had it in me, did you? – No, I
knew. Huh. – Hold the elevator, please. – Coming in? – I’m all in. –
Whoa! Mommy, it’s nearly Christmas. Where’s Uncle Secretariat? He had to
go win a race against the Russians. But maybe, if he runs really fast –
Hey, where’s Kelsey? – Oh, yeah, funny story. Turns out you two
knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to
get for the scene – that’s not in the movie anymore. – Uh Silly me, I
didn’t like that. So I fired her ass. – What? – We got a movie to
finish, okay? So, go get in costume, get your butt up that chimney, and
do your thing, Hamlet. Just maybe, all we have to do is believe! What
are you doing here? Hey, is it cool if I crash here for a couple nights?
I didn’t know where else to go. Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman
(2014)
2 10 Yes And Aw, she looks so peaceful. Think she’s dreaming that she’s not
overstaying her welcome? When she got that wine delivered to the house,
I thought that was her thank-you present, that she was leaving, – but
then she just drank the wine. – Five days ago. – Morning, everybody. –
Aah! Kinko! Another beautiful day in the city of Brotherly Angels. Todd,
I don’t recall accidentally ingesting poison, and yet here you are
trying to make me vomit. You wanna go buy me a kite and then fly a kite?
No. Kites are sky trash. Why is it so daytime right now? Wanda? Wanna go
surf some cloud waves? That’s what I call wind. Sorry. Some of us have
jobs. Not all of us. Just some of us. Oh, yeah, my job. – Morning. –
What? I’m done with my sabbatical and I’m ready to get back to work.
What sabbatical? I fired you. Oh, I thought when you said, “You’re
fired,” that was just you “giving me the business.” No, I was taking the
“business” away from you. Oh. Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. You wanna go fly a
kite? Put me down for a supersized “sounds great.” But with an even
larger main course of “sadly, I cannot.” I am swamped here at work.
First, I gotta put my suit on. Then I gotta go to hair and makeup. Then
we record the show. And then I gotta take my suit off. So, that’s, like,
the whole day. Sorry. Ah. “Looking for a friend?” Yes. “Need direction?”
I’m listening. “Try Scientology”? – Huh. – Excuse me? Sir? – Huh? – Have
you ever thought about trying improv comedy? Improv comedy? I don’t know
Why not? It’s not like there’s anything else to do. Here on Mars. We’re
on Mars? Yes. And in a Martian ice cream shop. Care for a butterscotch
swirl? Whoa! The only limit is my imagination. Why not come by our
theater and try a free class? Okay! Can I bring this food inside the
theater? Ha, good one. – But no. – Oh. “That’s when I learned that guns
can blow a vato away. But calculus? Calculus can blow a mind away.” Cut!
We got it! That’s the day, everybody. – You sure we got it, Abe? – Of
course. You were phenomenal. Really? Because that kid sneezed in the
middle of my monologue. – We can fix that in post. – Abe, I’m supposed
to tell you the boom mike fell into the last shot. You sure you don’t
wanna get another take? Just for safety? What am I, Kubrick? We can fix
all this stuff in post. It’s an easy scene. Secretariat’s a nice guy,
the Spanish kids learn a lesson. Boom. Bam! Done! But Secretariat never
actually taught math in South Central. I don’t know what Secretariat did
or didn’t do. I wasn’t there. – Yeah, but – Okay, so the studio wants
gangbangers, we’ll give them gangbangers. – We get paid either way,
right? – I guess. I can’t wait to get home. I got a coq au vin in the
slow cooker. You like coq au vin? I think so. Is that the move where a
French girl pours soup in Come over for dinner, okay? – You’ll love it.
– Okay. Chin up, big guy. So, we ain’t making Casablanca. – BoJack. Shut
up. – Aah! What are you? No one can know I’m here. – What? – Shut your
stupid mouth, you idiot. As you know, you’re my favorite client. If I
left Vigor, would you follow me to a new agency? Sure, but no one’s
gonna hire me after this movie comes out. The script turned into a piece
of shit, and the director is a total hack. Good guy, total hack. Let’s
get you something before the movie comes out. We got an offer in for
this new play off-Broadway. Theater? That’s what real actors do. Yeah, I
told them that, but they said she wanted you. – She? – Yeah, this hot
new playwright Jill Pill. – She came out of nowhere. – Jill Pill? New
York Magazine called her the enfant terrible of the immersive theater
world, and then later clarified that that’s a compliment. It sounds like
the kind of thing I should be doing now. – Something artistic and bold.
– Rehearsals start in two weeks. Are you ready to go to New York for six
months? New York’s a great city to live in for six months and not a
second longer and only if you’re insanely wealthy. I can’t wait! Now,
that’s a lot of apple sauce. Apple sauce! Oh-ho! That was so funny.
Which one of you guys wrote all those funny jokes? No, Todd, here at
Shenanigags, we make things up on the spot. – Let’s try it. Give me a
suggestion. – Uh I don’t know. Suggestions? Your suggestion was
“suggestions.” – Way to break the fourth wall. – That wasn’t that funny.
My name’s Bryan and you haven’t won me over yet. – Oh, Bryan. – Todd, in
improv, we get suggestions from an audience then make up scenes based on
them. There are just a few simple rules. You don’t ask questions. You
don’t say no. No matter what. When someone makes a suggestion, you
always try to build on it. We call that “yes, and” Yes, and if you mess
up, that’s okay. It’s all part of the fun. Is it really that simple?
Ugh! It’s incredibly complicated and requires years of training. Oh,
Bryan. But improv isn’t just about a constant clamoring for attention
and validation. It’s about community. I’ve always wanted to be part of a
community. Well, you are now. Your first class is $200. I thought you said it was free. Oh, that was just me doing an improv. I am so proud of you. Every day I’m telling people all about the great stuff you’re doing there. – Yeah, I don’t know – And they say, “Wow, she sounds amazing.” And I say, “I’m here to confirm she is an incredible woman.” – Well – You know, the sound guy’s wife works with at-risk teens. And I was like, “Yeah, that’s okay, but compared to what my wife is doing, – your wife is bullshit!” – Oh. And he had to agree with me. – Um – Because I am his boss. – Listen – Let me talk to one of the locals. I wanna hear someone else talk about how what a selfless hero my wife is. – Oh, uh – Ah, now come on. – Most refugees got their tongues cut out. – Find one with a tongue. – I don’t think – Indulge me. Okay. Hello. I am refugee from village. Hey, what’s your name, Superstar? Uh, my name is Coffee Maker. Ah. Kofi Makir. Am I pronouncing that right? Hey, Todd, you had some killer provs in class today. Yes, and that zombie dentist scene was so innovative. Eh – Oh, Bryan. – Guys, look. It’s Copernicus. – Who’s that? – What are you, new? Yes, I am new. Copernicus is the founder of Shenanigags. That guy is the Jan-Ove Waldner of modern improv. – Who is Jan-Ove Waldner? – The Michael Jordan of table tennis. Oh. – Let’s go talk to him. – Are you kidding? You can’t just go up and talk to Copernicus. Man, Todd, you don’t know shit. You’re just a tourist. No, I’m not. If you’re one of us, prove it. Go improv that lady over there. Freestyle. No audience, no net. – I don’t know – Hey, if you’re down with the prov, you gotta prove that prov. All right. I’ll do it. – Hello, old ma’am. – Oh, hello. I’m just waiting for my friend Doris. Have you seen her? Yes, and she exploded? Doris exploded? – You just got prov’d! – In your face, lady! The streets are ours! – Hurray, improv! I did it! – You have briefly won me over. Poor Doris That is not what I thought coq au vin was. But it’s great. Well, I’m no Emeril Lagasse, but we do get by. – Oh, stop. – Bam! Like Emeril? Ha, remember that? He said “bam.” I don’t know who Emeril is, but he sounds delightful. Hey, should I give him a sitcom? BoJack, Abe tells me you guys are almost done with the movie. One week left! You two lovebirds gonna do any traveling or anything? I’ll be traveling back and forth to New York for the next few months because BoJack’s doing a play there after you finish. – Oh, I love plays. – A play. That’s my favorite place to eat crinkly candies. Yeah, I can’t wait to finally work on something good, you know? Oh? Although I gotta hand it to your husband. It has been a really painless shoot, even though the movie’s gonna be a piece of shit, right? – What? – Oh, you said “piece of ship,” right? Like shipshape? Anyway, what were we talking about? Who knows? – Okay, moving on. – Hey, it’s fine. Abe knows what we’re making. Right? – Wanda, would you help me with dessert? – Uh, okay. Yeah. New York is so great in the summer, but I don’t think we’re going to be done in time. We’re looking at a ton of reshoots. – Are you kidding? – Well, you know, because the movie’s such a piece of shit and all. Did that hurt your feelings? I mean, you’re the one who said we’re not making Casablanca. Right, because Casablanca is a movie about a club owner named Rick. This movie’s about Secretariat, a racehorse. Wait, you literally meant we’re not making the actual movie Casablanca? That movie already exists. Why would we make Casablanca? – This is a different movie. – I think there was a misunderstanding. Wrong, boy-o. There was a mister-understanding. And that mister is me understanding you just fine. You come into my home and you call my work shit? – You know what I think? You’re shit. – What? You think I don’t get enough takes? I’ll get more takes. Just wait, see how many takes I can get. Well, don’t go. We haven’t had dessert yet. Shirley’s lemon meringue? Mwah. I mean, it’s no banana cream pie. Because it’s a different kind of pie? That’s right. Why did you have to antagonize him? I wasn’t trying to antagonize him. – He said, “It’s no Casablanca.” – Well, what’s done is done. You’re happy. You didn’t want me to go to New York. Lucky me, I get to stay here and work on this movie that’s gonna ruin my career. There’s no reason to sulk about it, right? Or you could sulk about it. Diane does raise some good points. No, she doesn’t. Besides, I don’t think Diane’s the person you wanna be going to for life advice now. Why? Just because I’ve been drinking myself to sleep on your deck chairs and lying to my husband for the last week? Hey, there’s a Cheez-It on the shelf. I knew I kept these things around for a reason. – I just had the most amazing prov sesh. – No one cares, Todd. Hey, you guys wanna help me practice? Make a suggestion. – Stop. – Aah. Sorry, officer, I didn’t see that stop sign. Yes. And my car runs on farts. Ugh! – Stop. No, stop it. – Please stop. Not a suggestion. Okay. I just hope I impress the elder council. I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the Mainstage with the chosen ones. Oh, shit, Todd’s in a cult. What? No, improv is not a cult. It’s just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities. – Ahh. – It’s a cult. And I know. I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist. Coincidentally during that year, I read a book about cults. Wait, are you saying Scientology is a cult? No, Scientology is not a cult. Improv is a cult. I wanna be very clear. This is about improv. – I really don’t think it’s that bad, guys. – Why does anything matter, right? Love is an illusion, and happiness is fleeting, no such thing as God, and all your favorite musicians beat their wives. Allegedly. Would you talk to her? Yes. Yes, and I am a Nazi Kardashian. Heyyy Hitler. Please stop. President Lohan! Get away from that fire hose! Fire hose! Sorry I’m late, guys! Todd, we take tardiness seriously here at Shenanigags. – If you miss one more class, you’re out. – I’m sorry. But, wait, Bryan isn’t here. – He’s later than I am. – Bryan’s not gonna be at practice anymore. He’s been negative, so Copernicus thought he could benefit from some time away. He’s been reassigned to the Shenanigags comedy cruise line, the Giggleship. – Is that a reward or a punishment? – That’s up to Bryan. Let’s have no more questions about the Giggleship. Oh, uh, all right. Well, you know, I was actually talking to my best friend, and he said improv is a cult. I mean, that’s crazy, right? If you think Shenanigags is a cult, you’re free to go, Todd. Oh, no. I don’t wanna go. I love this place. My friend just doesn’t know how great you guys are. It sounds like your friend’s not yes-and’ing you. Invite him to your graduation show. If he’s too negative to support you, you should take a good hard think about if that’s the kind of energy you want in your life. I hate good hard thinks. I love you, too, Mr. Peanutbutter. But I I gotta go. I’m Yeah, I’m building a school for deaf kids. The kids get jealous if I’m talking on the phone. Uh, okay, bye. So, hey, hi. How long are you thinking of staying here? Just for my own reference. Oh, shit. Is Wanda making you get rid of me? No one is making me do anything. Except keep acting in this movie you hate. Well, yeah. I really thought I could do it. I thought I could go far away and help people and be this best possible version of myself. And what happened? I couldn’t. I wasn’t the person I thought I was. I’d love to stay and wallow with you, but I gotta head out. Today we’re filming what used to be the scene where Secretariat commits suicide, but is now a scene where he swims in a fishing hole – with his girlfriend “Susie Side.” – Yeesh. If you wanna blow off work, I’m probably just gonna sit on the couch, drink beer, and watch old episodes of Horsin’ Around. Hmm. And if I hear one more peep out of you – Sabrina! – What? I didn’t peep! Oh! Sabrina was such a little bitch. She was an orphan. She had a tough life. Hey, Diane, you’re still here. And BoJack is here. Did you go to work today? I was gonna, but then I remembered everything is garbage, so why bother doing anything? – True story. – Okay. Oh, you didn’t. Oh, you did. – Hello. – Hey, could you get the door? – Whoa. – Mm. The property’s gonna be ready in June. Gives us two months to get everything we need out of this place. Mm. Perfect. Just so you know, I had to register the corporation in your name. – What? – Just until the divorce is finalized. Katie’s lawyers are watching me closely right now. They’re hawks. I mean, not literally. Well, one literally. Know what, actually, he might be a falcon. Rutabaga, this is too This is a temporary technicality, I promise. I’m not gonna leave you holding the bag. Okay? Mm. Mm. Hey, your assistant wasn’t out there, so I just Ooh. – Oh, hello. – Look at this urn. What’s going on in here? Mr. Peanutbutter, shut the door. Rutabaga and I are starting a new agency, and we want you to come with us. Well, well, well, what delicious irony. It appears the cat is chasing the dog. Are you in or out? Are you kidding? You’re the agent who got me Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities. – Well – What do they know? – Right, so – Do they know things? – Okay – Let’s find out. – Right – Big fan. I like you guys. I like your hustle and I like your matching lipstick. – Well, um – I am in. Mm-hm. Go home, Goober. Yeah! Go home, Goober! Goober sucks. Why doesn’t he ever go home? Yeah, Goober’s the one who should go home. – You suck, Goober! – Hey, Goober! Get murdered! Go sit on a sharp dick, you piece of shit. – Hey, guys. – Shut up, Todd. BoJack, listen, I Oh! – Hey, whoa! – Boo! Party foul! – You knocked over Bucking-can Palace. – Come on! Uh, sorry, I’ll clean that up later. Listen to this guy, “clean it up later.” Hasn’t picked up his shit in years. Clean up your shit, Todd. BoJack, I wanted to invite you to my graduation show tomorrow night. – What? – Look, I know you think it’s just a dumb cult, but you’re my best friend and it would really mean a lot if you came. I’m gonna go down to the basement to practice my space work. And here I am going downstairs. Hello? – What kind of pants are you wearing now? – What? I don’t know. The normal kind. Yeah? Mm. Are they comfy? A comfy pair of pants? I guess. Why? Just wondering what kind of hit you’re gonna take when the studio sues the pants off you for breach of contract. They’re suing me? Also, are you wearing comfortable shoes? Because that was a long road to walk to get to that punch line. – This is serious. – We’re not just doing bits? You started it with the pants thing. You need to go back to set. You can’t just not go to work. Remember, you wanted this. Are you saying you’re finally ready to settle down with yours truly? Darn tootin’. I may be a professional racehorse, but I’m tired of running in circles. Cut! Perfect. But let’s get that last part again. – Anything you want me to do differently? – No, I just think we should get it again. You know, for safety. – Action! – I’m tired of running in circles. And again? I’m tired of running in circles. Why don’t we get it like five more times? I’m tired of running in circles. I’m tired of running in circles. I’m tired of running in circles. I’m tired of running in circles. I’m tired of running in circles. Let’s get it ten more times. – Ta-da! – We did it. – What now? – We die, have our guts ripped out through our noses, and get enshrined inside of it. Duh. Hey, BoJack, can I talk to you for a minute? Ooh Alone, please? Oh So, good news. We’re gonna go on a trip. – Right now. You and me. – What? I booked us a room for the weekend. Pack your bags, let’s go. Where? Why? Less asking, more basking. In the sun, that is. Santa Barbara. – I’m not really in the mood for – I think some time away could be really good for us, as a couple. Oh. I know you’ve been really bummed out about the movie, but I don’t think moping around the house with Diane all day is healthy. All I’ve ever wanted was to be in this movie, and you just want me to put on a happy face Yes. There are lots of people who don’t like their jobs. Doesn’t mean they have to bring it home with – Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. – What is that supposed to mean? Well, come on. You’re a network executive. You don’t give a shit about work. I actually have a lot of pride in what I do. What? You have a lot of pride? Your job is to pump out garbage every year hoping some of the garbage stinks less than the rest so you can quietly renew that garbage and keep failing sideways until you retire to a three-point-five bedroom garbage in Beverly Garbage and spend the rest of your life – watching your former assistant’s garbage. – I don’t know where this is coming from. Every good thing that ever happened to you happened because of network executives like me. That show you spend all day watching, your house, your career Great house, great career, great life! Must be why I’m so happy all the time! – You don’t know – I don’t? My life was ruined by a network executive like you. Well, I’m sorry that things have been so hard for you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be shitty to me. I can’t be around someone who’s just fueled by bitterness and negativity. Well then, what are you doing here? What happened, BoJack? Same thing that always happens. You didn’t know me. Then you fell in love with me. And now you know me. You know, it’s funny. When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags. – So, Wanda’s moving out. – Oh, shit. Because of me? No. Because of me. I’m sorry. You wanna watch another episode of Horsin’ Around? Where Olivia does the school project where she pretends an egg is a baby. Spoiler alert: Ethan needs to make an omelet. Why won’t you go home? I should. I know I should. I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything. He would just say, “How was your day?” And then he would say, “Hey, did you know the monorail was invented by George Monorail?” And I would say, “I don’t think that’s true.” And he would say, “Well, if he didn’t invent it, he certainly perfected it.” And I wouldn’t have to say, “I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I made things so difficult. I’m sorry I’m not the person I thought I was.” I would just say, “My day was good.” And he would say, “I love you.” The longer you keep lying to him, the harder it’s gonna get. Can I ask you something? That play in New York, would that really have made you happy? Yeah. I mean, for a little bit. And if Kelsey didn’t get fired, and you got to make the movie you wanted to make, would that have made you happy? For a little bit. But then Probably So, what does it matter? But there has to be more. Well, when’s the last time you were actually happy? You microchipped my penis? Check, please! Microchip. Ah. Oh. Todd! Yeah. Oh. Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Hey. How are you? I can’t do this anymore. You can’t do what anymore? I can’t talk to you on the phone all the time. It’s too hard. Uh, have you tried Bluetooth? I think maybe we should stop calling each other, for a little bit. I’m sorry. I just miss you too much. But listen, I love you. Okay? Mr. Peanutbutter? Uh, yeah. Uh, okay. I love you, Diane. – Where is he? – I don’t know, sir. Can’t do this to me. Where the hell is he? Boxer versus raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 3 1 Start Spreading the News 1 (BOJACK) It’s a dream come true. (WOMAN) You’ve been trying to get this movie made for 20 years. Did you ever think you’d be sitting here, talking about Secretariat? Sitting here? In this hotel room? (CLEARS THROAT) It’s a dream come true. What’s it like to play Secretariat? Dream come true. Playing Secretariat, what was that like? Dream come true. (WOMAN) How long you in New York for? Just a couple days of fun interviews, then it’s off to Chicago for more fun interviews, and then, if I don’t blow my brains out, I get to go back to L.A. Darling, you’re doing marvelously, I am so proud of you. If I could make one slight adjustment? Maybe fewer jokes about how these interviews – make you want to blow your brains out? – Right. Sorry. I am so thrilled to be here, talking with, uh -Yahoo Finland. -Yahoo Finland. – Are you Finnish? – No, we are just getting started. Walked right into that one. What would an Oscar nomination mean for Mr. BoJack Horseman? Any award recognition is just gravy. The real joy is to sit in this hotel room all day, answering the same questions over and over again. Great answers, you’re divine. I’m in love with you. One small adjustment. I don’t think sarcasm is going to read. Just write a script for me, so I don’t have to think for myself. Honey, I would shove my hand up your ass and control your mouth like a Muppet if it would win you an Oscar. What do I know? I’m just the publicist you hired to help win you an Oscar. (WOMAN) What’s it like to play Seabiscuit? I don’t know. You’d have to ask Tobey Maguire. (MAN) Your last attempt at a comeback was The BoJack Horseman Show. Pass. (MAN 2) People still see you as the guy from that sucky show from the ‘90s. Horsin’ Around was not a sucky show. – Yeah, but it was. – It lasted nine seasons. Its whole purpose was for people to watch it so the network could sell ad time, so the show could make more money than it cost to produce. It did that well. It was a good show. – Yes, but it sucked. – It didn’t suck! Great job today. It could not have gone better. My only note would be stop defending Horsin’ Around. Why? Millions of people loved it! We need to use these next few months to define your story. When people see you they need to think Oscar winner, not dumb asshole from an old TV show that nobody cares about. Okay, I hear what you’re saying, but we can both agree Horsin’ Around was a good show, right? BoJack, you know I think the world of you. I think you are so smart and attractive, so I’m not going to mince words. Horsin’ Around was a piece of shit. (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Looking good. Fantastic. You need a coaster. I told you to wear lipstick and underpants, Teresa. I put everything bill-related in one folder. Gas bill, cable bill, and the new headshots for Billy Zane. – Thank you, Judah. – You also wanted me to remind you – to call Mr. Peanutbutter. – Yeah. Ping me again in two minutes? No, five minutes. Uh, when’s our call with BoJack and Spanakopita? The one that started seven minutes ago? It started seven minutes ago. What? Diane’s in your office right now, stalling poorly. And that is my opinion on the Octomom. Remember Octomom? (ANA) Diane, are you stalling for Princess Carolyn? What? You know who was good at stallin’ was Joseph Stalin. (CHUCKLES) (BOJACK) If anything, Stalin was ruthlessly efficient. Get your head out of your ass. He also had a city named after him. Isn’t that right, Princess Carolyn, – who’s been here the whole time? – Hey, buddy. How was your first big day at the press junket? (SIGHS) Endless. It was like the second act of a Judd Apatow movie. He was exquisite. The movie’s tracking really well on social. New media impressions are up 23 percent across platforms. What does that mean? Oh, I have no idea. I assumed you would know. (CLEARS THROAT) But I keep tweeting things and they keep getting retweeted, so we’re doing something right. Yesterday I dropped my phone in the bathroom which made BoJack’s Instagram post a picture of the floor, with the caption “spujb.” That got 4000 likes. – (ANA) Great. – I am exhausted. Being a movie star is the hardest job. And we get no recognition. (GRUNTS) Okay, you’re gonna love this. I pulled some strings at Manatee Fair and set up an interview tomorrow night. BoJack is not ready for a magazine feature. Relax. It’s not that big a deal. I didn’t realize you were an authority on deal size. (PRINCESS CAROLYN) Listen, Moussaka Ladies, please. There’s plenty of BoJack to go around. I can do all the bullshit things Ana’s scheduled for me in the morning and still have time for Princess Carolyn’s bullshit thing tomorrow night. Now, pajamas. – Whaa! – (GASPING) – Todd?! – What is going on over there? (ANA) BoJack smuggled a young boy into his room. No big deal. Movie stars do it all the time. Where am I? (SNIFFS) Bagels? Pizza? (SNIFFING) Hipsters? Urine? – Am I in Minneapolis? – What? No, you’re in New York. FOLLOW-UP: why are you in New York? Beats me. Sometimes I just am places. (MOANING) I can’t get to sleep. Oh, God. (GROANS) Yeah, that’ll do it. (SIGHS) Is my name Sarah Koenig? Because I’m about to get cereal. (MOANS) I am the queen. Follow me, citizens. There are no sad times in our cave of possibilities. (SIGHS AND SNORES) (GRUNTING) (MONITOR BEEPS) – (BEEPING) – Huh. Small bottle of shampoo?! Not on my watch! – (ALARM RINGING) – (SCREAMING) You better not have gotten your failure stink all over my important movie star clothes. – Ohh – I didn’t mean that. You’re my friend and you don’t stink of failure. Your stink is one of good intentions and youthful exuberance. (TODD) Hooray, compliment! You wanted me to ping you regarding Mr. Peanutbutter. Oh, fish! Guys, hold on, I have to make a quick call. – What? You’re already on a call. – Sorry. – Please hold. – (ANA) This is ridiculous. – Hello? – (PRINCESS CAROLYN) It’s your agent! I wanted to remind you of your meeting with Pinky today. I think I’m already in it. (ANNOYED THROAT CLEARING) – Do I need to be on this call still? – I put you on conference. How do I? – BoJack Horseman, is that you?! – Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Hey buddy, loved that bathroom floor pic you posted yesterday. Spujb! Classic BoJack. We should get together sometime and take a selfie. I’d love to, buddy, but I’m kinda in New York right now. (PEANUTBUTTER) New York City?! They make such great salsa. I’m here too, honey. Have a great meeting! Diane?! Wait, you went to New York? – (DIANE) No. I’m just on– – Why wouldn’t you tell me? How long are you– I’m not accusing. I just I feel safer when I know that I know where you are. – I affirm your feelings – (BOJACK) I don’t want to– your feelings have value, but I’m not in New York, I’m just on the conference call. – Guys, can we – (PEANUTBUTTER) I feel heard. – (DIANE) I hear that you feel heard. – What the hell is happening? – Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter, I’m in New York! – What?! (TODD) As Carrie from Sex and the City might say – I’m Carrie. – (PEANUTBUTTER) Todd? In the naked city? (CHUCKLING) That is going to lead to some wackiness. You mark my words. Would you guys literally mark my words? I do want to refer back to this later on. We’re in the middle of a meeting! (PEANUTBUTTER) Got to go. It’s always “Rabbit, Run” with this guy. Right? Oh, yeah. Somebody did their research on J.D. Salinger. Rabbit, Run? – That’s Updike, you illiterate. – What’s Updike? Not much, dyke, what’s up with you? Is “dyke” an okay thing to say now? Has it been reclaimed? I honestly can’t keep track. – Who are you asking? – (ANA) We’re hanging up now, goodbye. Wow! BoJack and Todd in the Big Apple. I want to find one of those fortune telling robots that can make me big! (GROANS) Hey, champ, I have a very important job for you. Why don’t you go get us some ice? You don’t need to patronize me. – But, yeah, I can do that important job. – (BOJACK) Don’t get lost, buddy! I’m not gonna get lost. The city’s on a grid, why would I get Oh, no. Hello? Are you still there? – They may have hung up. – I have some good news for once. I just got promoted to head of programming. I’m no longer a passenger on the burning wreckage of an industry that is broadcast television. – I’m a captain! – What happened to Wanda? You didn’t hear? She got poached. – Oh, God! – By another company. Oh, good. – They shot her. – Oh, God! Straight to the top of the corporate ladder! – Oh, good. – She had to move to Detroit. – Oh, God! – Which I hear is due for a resurgence. Can we get to the goddamn point, please? Anyway, the network is finally breaking even, thanks to the runaway success of Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out! Not to mention its companion show Talking Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out, With Chris Hardwick. – So as long as you two stick around – I’m taking the show off the air. Wait, what? Why?! I told the story I wanted to tell. To prolong it for commercial reasons would be crass and inorganic. Uh At long last the public knows what Hollywoo stars and celebrities know – and what they don’t know. – (MOANING) – Did they know things? – (WHIMPERS) – Well, we found out. – This is a nightmare. Why does everything I love fall apart as soon as I touch it? Oh, my ex-wife was right about me. I am no Christopher from the Tesla dealership. Is this as good as it gets? Or are we living in the ghost town where once my career did blossom? Who will speak my name when I am gone? Who will sing lamentations for he who once talked soup? – (GROANS) – What legacy of ruin am I left with? What rewards have I reaped for the damage done? I do not miss the spotlight’s glare, but I do a little, miss sunshine. (SOBBING) (GASPS AND GROWLS) But before you fold the omelette, I’d like the chef to hold the pan up and whisper his or her dreams into it. Whisper dreams into omelette. Just coffee. Don’t need to talk to it at all. Thanks. You look different. Older. A lot older. I’m not saying you look bad, just much, much, much older. Thank you, Jill. You haven’t heard from Cuddlywhiskers recently, have you? Cuddlywhiskers? I haven’t talked to him since the show was canceled. I worry about him. About six months back, he disappeared, stopped returning my calls. I’m sure he’s fine. I mean, who returns calls? Promise me you’ll check on him when you get back to L.A. Maybe swing by his house? I think you owe him that much. Fine. Listen, about the play The Tragedy of Greg KingLear, a theatrical immersion by Jill Pill? – Right. – That’s dead. Over. A thing that happened that happens no longer, – like a whimper in the wind. – Okay. Theater is by its very nature ephemeral. We shout into the void, “Hey, you!” And the void says, “Stop shouting at me, please!” And we grab the void and we spit in its face, “Sir, I will not.” Boy, did New York do a number on you. Let me tell you about my next piece. It starts with you, BoJack Horseman, completely naked and covered in milk. – I’ll stop you there. – It’s a symbol for rebirth. I’m not interested in being rebirthed. I’m still recovering from being birthed the first time. Jill, I’m not the guy who does things that are challenging, or edgy, or covered in milk. I’m about to be nominated for an Oscar. I’m thinking about my legacy now. I want to do things that connect with people, things that last. That’s the whole point, nothing lasts. No, I know, but see, years after I die, people will still be able to see me in Secretariat. – And then what? – And then I’ll be remembered. If I win an Oscar, I’ll be remembered. – And then what? – Then my life will have meaning. – I don’t know! – Mm-hmm. You know what the real tragedy of Greg KingLear is? Two hours long without an intermission? It’s that he’s a marionette. And he doesn’t even know someone else is pulling his strings. Mmm, I don’t think the chef whispered his dreams into this. This does not taste like dreams. You told me I would be getting more attention at a smaller agency, but if anything, I’m getting less. Is this the best time to be on your phone? I’m sorry. Let me just send this one email What? Why isn’t it sending? Judah! I’m taking my business to Gekko Rabitowitz. What? No! J.D. Salinger is too big a star to be hamstrung by some rinky-dink operation working out of a two-story warehouse. I need an agency with at least nine stories. Uh That was a reference to my work, with which you are clearly not familiar. – Oh – Goodbye. Hello to you, Rasputin. – Give my regards to the czar. – I will relay the message. Oh, I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I’m drowning, and cats hate drowning. I believe I can take on more responsibility around here. – On a provisional basis, of course. – Okay. But we’re a small agency and we need to think like one. Instead of spreading ourselves thinner, we should focus on better gigs for the clients we already have. – Oh. Like Jerry Maguire. – Yes. – What part of Jerry Maguire? – The part where Tom Cruise’s agent got him a massive payday for being in Jerry Maguire. (RINGTONE) Who’s that dog? Mister Peanutbutter Princess Carolyn?! Listen, kid, tough break about the Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities Whatever, Whatever, Whatever, but what are we gonna do next? I was looking forward to taking some time off. What? That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. You’re the biggest name in TV right now. and every network would love to air your next project. Why don’t you get off your lazy keister and come up with some TV ideas and make us all billionaires? Go get us some money. Go get it, boy. You can do it! Go! Atta boy! (BARKING) Daddy, it’s so nice having you home. These last few months have been amazing. My blood pressure’s down, my stress is down. – (ENGINE REVVING) – Oh, what the? There’s my favorite accountant! Great news! P.B. Livin’ is back – No! No! – in business! – No! – Yes! -Here we go! -Oh, God, no, please. It’s gonna be great, as it always is, from my perspective. Dad, you promised we were gonna play catch, and then we’d listen to your favorite Harry Chapin song together! You never told me what it was! Oh, it’s Cat’s in the Cradle, but don’t listen to it now! I’m gonna go listen to it. No! The lyrics are too relevant. Don’t do it. – No! – (ENGINE REVVING) (BOTH LAUGHING) So, what’s next for BoJack? What do you mean, “What’s next?” Why does everything have to have a next? I just mean, after Secretariat’s all over, what are you going to do next? We were told this feature would be pegged to the release of Secretariat. It is, but we also want to get to know the real BoJack. – Do we? – If you want the real BoJack, there’s a book written about that. But that was BoJack before the book came out. Who’s BoJack now? Who’s BoJack now? BoJack is just He’s a guy who could use a drink, that’s who! Should we order alcohol? Heather, could we have a moment of privacy, please? Sure. I’ll just plug my ears and sing an old sea shanty. Oh, the sea she be a salty lass With a hi, ho, barrel of rum Sweetheart, I don’t think we need to be drinking tonight. Trust me, you do not want me to do this sober. You don’t need to micromanage everything, okay? I’m not your puppet. All right. You clearly have everything under control. Raise the mast and raise your glass And banish ye dragons To where they come from! GarÃ§on, dos whiskey sours, por favor? Actually, make it tres. And whatever the lady wants. – Did mama bear finally leave? – She’s a human, but yes. Well, when the cat’s away Again, a human. I like where you’re going with this. I gotta tell you, I really loved the movie. You’re definitely going to win an Oscar. That “You Are Secretariat” scene? Oh, it made me wet. It made you wet?! Yeah. “Wet” is manatee slang. It refers to a feeling of comfort and warmth, because a manatee’s natural habitat is water. Oh, okay. – It also made me really horny. – Uh That’s narwhal slang. You know, because they have horns. (BOTH CHUCKLING) (TODD) When I first came to New York I was young, full of hope. But you get lost in this town. One day you look in the mirror and think to yourself, “Who is this sad, broken man?” Listen, kid, I don’t need your life story. I just came out here to commit suicide. – No, don’t! – Crap! Forgot I could fly. (CHUCKLING AND KISSING) The first thing you notice about BoJack is he’s got a nice buzz going. Oh, one final question. Are you more man than horse? Or are you more horse than man? What the hell does that mean? Take off your city clothes and let’s be animals! I want to get natural! (LAUGHING) Okay! A manatee and a horse making out with each other. Just like in nature. In the old days sailors thought manatees were mermaids. Remember that episode of Horsin’ Around where Sabrina wanted to be a mermaid? I don’t want to think about that show. I didn’t come back to your hotel room because you’re a goofy dad who once got his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner. I’m pretty sure that never happened on the show. If I’m going to sacrifice my journalistic integrity, it’s because I’m having sex with a movie star. And they’re off! (CHUCKLING) (HEATHER) You like that, little horsie? (BOJACK) Yeah. – But I don’t need you to talk. – (HEATHER) I’m a mermaid, baby. – Gonna climb up onto your boat. – (BOJACK) What? – (HEATHER) What happened? – Sorry, I just Give me a minute. (HEATHER) You want me to touch it, blow on it, sing it happy birthday? (BOJACK) No, no, just Why did you say that thing about the boat? I don’t know, I was being sexy. You okay? Just forget it. You ruined it. (EXHALES) You want to talk about it? There’s nothing to talk about. It was a misunderstanding, that’s all. She just walked in at the worst possible It– It wasn’t my fault, uh, right? I don’t know what you’re talking about. On the boat, there was a girl. – What? – In New Mexico. And she trusted me. I keep asking myself if her mother didn’t walk in, would I have done it? And part of me is sure that I– I couldn’t. But another part knows that’s a lie. How do you make something right when you’ve made it so wrong you can never go back? I just think you have to keep moving forward? (SIGHS) Yeah. All my life that’s all I’ve ever done. What’s it gotten me? Well, hey, look, you’re the star of a movie now. You’re probably gonna win an Oscar. I’m not even in it. That’s not me. – What do you mean, that’s not you? – I was digitally replaced. Special effects. None of it’s me. Wow, that’s (SIGHS) That’s quite a story. I shouldn’t even be here. It’s been a long night. Why don’t we go to bed? In the morning, everything will be okay. (LAMP CLICKS) (SIGHS) – (TRAFFIC OUTSIDE, FAINT) – (SNORTS) (MOANS) Oh, shit. (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) BoJack? It’s 4:00 am. No, it’s 7:00. I’m in New York. I’m calling from the future. (DROWSILY) Is that BoJack Horseman? What is this, a crossover episode? What do you want? Let’s say, hypothetically, you had some information about me. You were gonna write about it, I wanted to stop you before you could get it published. What would be a smart thing I could do in that situation that would change your mind? Are we fighting about the book again? I don’t remember where we left off last time. No. Diane, not everything is about you. For once, I have a problem, I need your help. Okay, walk me through it again? I don’t have time! It’s already three hours later here! Thanks a lot. Once again, you’ve been no help whatsoever. Spoiler from the future, you suck. Sorry, you don’t suck. I’m just very stressed out right now. Bye. (GROANS) Oh, come on, come on. I’m aware of the situation and I’m handling it. – But I haven’t even– – I’m handling it. I’ll see you at the screening tonight. – But – Don’t be late. – BoJack! – Huh? There you are. Stay right there. You will not believe the night I had. – This city will eat you alive. – Did you get the ice? (GROANS) I’ll be right back. I’m lost again! (PEANUTBUTTER) All right, Oxnard. We are looking at a once in a lifetime opportunity. Too bad Todd’s not here. He’s always the best at coming up with ideas that at first might seem terrible Right. If he was here, he’d probably say something like, “Hey, you know what’s cool? Spaghetti strainers!” Go on. And you’d say, “I feel like I’ve seen that somewhere before.” Hah! That is so me! And then he’d say, “What if I told you that this spaghetti strainer is also a hat?” A spaghetti strainer that’s also a hat? That is a brilliant idea! That’s a terrible idea. That’s my point! Put that in the maybe pile. Right now, we need to focus on TV shows. I’m sure Todd would suggest, A Spaghetti Strainer THAT’S ALSO A HAT: The TV Show. That’s it! Todd, you’ve done it again. No! Nobody’s done anything. Oxnard, I want you to buy out the entire spaghetti strainer warehouse. I mean, every spaghetti strainer they got. I’m putting all my money in spaghetti strainers for this show. – How is this a show? – Don’t ask me. It’s your idea. (SIGHS) – (VEHICLE STOPPING) – (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) I took care of our problem. What did you do? You don’t need to know anything else. It’s been taken care of. Ana There– There was a moment back at the hotel where I really thought I blew it, I was scared it was all over, and– And then after, I was relieved. I don’t know if I should win an Oscar. – I don’t know if I want to. – Stop punishing yourself. I was in New Mexico. None of that matters. All that matters now is the story. We get to decide what our story is. Nobody else gets to tell you what your story is. – What is my story? – I’ll tell you. This has been your dream for the last 30 years. You made it happen. An Oscar won’t make you happy forever, it won’t solve all your problems. You win that Oscar, the next day you go back to being you. But that night is a really good night. I think you deserve a really good night, and I know how to get you there. Do you want that? Yes, I do. Go introduce your movie. Tell your story. Tomorrow we fly to Chicago. Being Secretariat isn’t just about running fast. Secretariat’s a state of mind. It’s about doing the right thing, standing up for yourself. Why, I look around and I see a whole room full of Secretariats. You are Secretariat. And you are Secretariat. And you are Secretariat. BoJack, it’s such a beautiful movie and I think such a textured performance. When you were on Horsin’ Around, could you ever have imagined that you’d give a performance like this? – Yes. Actually, I imagined it a lot. – (LAUGHTER) I always knew I was more than just a dumb TV actor. Even if other people didn’t always know that. – (LAUGHTER) – Seriously, though that TV show it wasn’t me. This movie is me. And I can’t tell you how great it feels to finally be doing the kind of work that I can be proud of. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the Horseman – BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer vs. Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 3 2 The BoJack Horseman Show 1 Whoa. So, that was weird. Yeah. Wait. Why did you think that was weird? You know, you and me together, weird. So it’s not because I did that talking penis thing, right? Just the general concept of us sleeping together that’s weird, right? Yeah. (MAN) Good morning, Hollywood. It’s a beautiful morning in sunny 2007. Oh, my God, 2007? Is that what time it is? I gotta get my Uggs on and get to work. Well, you sure you don’t want to just hang around for a little bit? – I got no plans. – No, sadly, I have to go to my job, to help my boss find gigs for you to turn down. If Marv brought me something good, I would do it. Besides, I’m still decompressing from my last gig. Horsin’ Around? That ended 11 years ago. Really? Where does the time go? (GULPING) What, you’re just gonna stay at home and get drunk all day? Don’t climb up my ass. I invited you to play hooky and hang out with me. I got a new HD DVD player. Let’s get wrecked and get Shreked. BoJack, last night was fun and you’re sweet, sort of. – I don’t want to make a thing of this. – We agree. It’s not a thing. – Not a thing. – Definitely not a thing. No, this is not a thing. (NERVOUS CHUCKLING) Yeah. (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Generic 2007 pop song Auto-tuned So all the voices sound weird Ah! This is a pop song It’s 2007 Hey, Todd, I think you just got a text. “Who do you like, question mark, colon, bracket”? That’s a smiley face, homeslice. – Who do you like? – I don’t like anyone. That’s ridonkulous. You have to like someone. – If I have to, I guess, uh Kimber? – (GROANS) Everyone likes Kimber. That’s like saying you like Fergie. – Who do you like? – I’m not allowed to like anyone. My dad is real strict. Do you know The Sopranos? The show, or that weird saxophone that Kenny G plays? The show, about the guy in the mob? That’s what my dad does. Whoa! Hey, speaking of mobs, we gotta bounce if we’re gonna make that flash mob at the Grove. Man, I love flash mobs. And I love you– Ubisoft’s “Assassin’s Creed”. It’s a new video game. – Okay, let’s go flash mob. – Whoo! Flash mobs. This ain’t 2006 It’s 2007 I just don’t know how I feel about my husband doing a bunch of wacky commercials overseas. Not overseas, underseas. You’re looking at the new face of Seaborn’s Seahorse Milk. What the hell is seahorse milk? Beats me, but you better believe I’m trusting Seaborn’s. For all my seahorse milk needs. – It just seems a little cheesy. – Hey, I’m not too big for anything. And my flip phone is blowing up with opportunities. Michael Vick made me a very strange offer. But I’m gonna hear him out. Always take the meeting. Ahem. Can I help you? I’ll have an Americano with steamed milk instead of water. One latte? For you, my second and final wife? Oh, I usually like a cool drink when it’s hot outside and a warm drink when it’s cold outside. But today is a perfect day, so– One lukewarm coffee for my gorgeous spouse. Name? Jessica, obviously. I’m Jessica Biel? – Mmm uh – From Stealth? Summer Catch? Rules Of Attraction? Nothing? (SIGHS) Girl from Seventh Heaven who took her clothes off for that magazine? – Oh, yeah. – Thank you, Blarn? That’s my name. So she kissed a girl, huh? And she liked it? This I gotta see. Talk to you later. P.C., where are you hiding? Right out here, Marv, same place I’ve been for the last 14 years. Get in here and tell me what scripts I read this weekend. We have three standouts here. A feature called No Country For Old Men. – It’s about a hunter who– – (SNORING) Sorry, I fell asleep for a second. Because that title’s too long. No Country For Old Men It’s About A Hunter Who? Pass. – Aaah! – Titles should be two words. Pretty Woman. Beautiful Girls. Private Parts. Then you might not like this next one, There Will Be Blood? There will not be blood. I would have accepted There Will, or Be Blood. – Firm pass. – Oh! This last one is really special. It’s a TV pilot from a veteran sitcom writer named Cuddlywhiskers called – Hmm Mitch’s Life. – Now there’s a title. I think if we attach the right talent, this could be a hit. You know who’d be great? BoJack Horseman. (LAUGHING) Don’t make me laugh, because I have a heart condition and it could kill me. Every little thing I bring that guy, he turns down. I think with the right project, BoJack could– Bup, bup, bup! P.C., do I get you coffee and pick up your dry cleaning and buy you peek-a-boo negligees for strange women – you saw at the train station once? – No. Then how about I don’t do your job and you don’t do my job? You know, I would like to be an agent someday. Yeah, yeah, someday, sure. But for now, you’re learning from one of the greats. Mark my words. The best agent in the world couldn’t get that joker off his ass. Hmm (DOORBELL RINGS) BoJack, I brought you Four Loko. I brought four Four Lokos. That’s 16 Lokos. Finally someone brings me an adequate amount of Lokos. Are you trying to get me drunk? (GROANS) You were trying to get me drunk. Where are you taking me, what am I wearing? To a meeting, and your clothes. Is this a fedora? What am I, Jason Mirzizzerzaz? – I don’t know. – You know who. I knew you wouldn’t take this meeting if I didn’t trick you into it. Cuddlywhiskers has a great script and wants to meet you. I have a script for you. It’s called “The BoJack Says No Chronicles”. Fade in, Princess Carolyn’s car. Princess Carolyn: “Hey, BoJack, you want to do this dumbass thing?” Act break. Act two. BoJack turns to Princess Carolyn. BoJack: “No, thank you.” End of episode. Hey! Aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around? (SIGHS) You see, this is why I don’t go out amongst the not-famouses. Just do me a favor and take this meeting. – (GROANS) – If you’re a good boy, we can do that weird French thing you saw in that Internet video. Ooh, parkour? This show came to me when I was in rehab. I realized I’m only here on this earth for a bit, why not dig deeper? – Huh. – Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of the seven years I spent on Krill & Grace. That show did so much for the way society views krill people. That show didn’t make me happy. The awards, the money didn’t make me happy. Did you try spending the money on things? I started to feel like I was trapped in a giant plastic ball. BoJack, meet my lovely assistant, Jill Filipowicz. – Hey. – Hi. – Did I say you could speak, wench? – You can’t talk to me like that. (GRUNTS) – Clean up that mess this instant! – No. I’m a dirty girl. – Uh – I’m filthy. – You are being very bad. – You’ll have to punish me later. (BOTH CHUCKLING) Jill and I have a very special relationship. Want to tell me about the show? I hear it’s great. I’ve worked on great shows my whole career. Great shows are easy. I didn’t become president of the Lampoon so I could make “great” shows. – Harvard Lampoon. – Yeah, I got it. I’m trying to do something different here. – Something that lasts. – Huh. Think about it. If you’re ready to finally stop being “The Horse” from Horsin’ Around, send me an e-mail: . – That’s H-A-R– – I got it. (GASPS) You got some mail, babe. Mwah! You understand I’m using that pet name ironically, right? Yes, Wayne. Oh, my God, check it out, a rejection letter from The New Yorker. That magazine is for white people. White people are the worst, right, guys? Yup. “Dear Diane. We are sorry to say that your piece, ‘An Open Letter to Open Letters’, wasn’t right for us, despite its evident merit.” Do you know what this means? Caring leads to disappointment? Trying is stupid and so is having dreams? Someone gave my piece a read and decided against it. Their journalistic style couldn’t be more outmoded. – Satire? More like “sa-tired.” – I never even thought they’d read it. “Talk of the Town”? More like “Schlock of the Clown”. Then they typed me a letter that said it had “obvious merit”. “Shouts and Murmurs”? More like “Louts and” What rhymes with murmurs? For two people who don’t like The New Yorker, you know a lot about the different sections of The New Yorker. And then Cuddlywhiskers said: “What if we stopped thinking of TV as a conduit to tell stories and thinking of it as a conduit to tell truth?” And I was like: “Damn, this guy must have gone to Yale or something.” Sounds like you two really hit it off. We were like Heidi and Spencer up in there. So you’re gonna do the show? – Nah. Timing’s really off right now. – (SIGHS) iPhone’s coming out this year, I need to gear up for that. I’m done. That’s it, I’m tired of bending over backwards for you. I mean this in all seriousness, professionally or in bed? Why won’t you do this? Give me one good reason. Because his show sounds incredible. And what if I’m not? What if there’s a reason the only thing I’m known for is Horsin’ Around? BoJack, you are amazing. You’re bright and you’re funny and you’re handsome and you’re talented. But if you can’t see that, then you’re the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world. – (POP MUSIC PLAYING) – (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) How long do we have to stay in here? – It’s called Seven Minutes in Heaven. – Uh We don’t have to kiss. I know you’d rather be in here with Kimber. That’s not true. It’s just that, Emily – What? – I’ve never kissed anyone before. That’s okay. Maybe we can try with each other? That way, when you’re in here with Kimber one day, you’ll know exactly what to do. Okay, so how should we do it? French style, Eskimo, Butterfly? I’ll tell you. I know exactly what to do because I practice all the time with a picture of Adam Brody– No, I don’t! (CHUCKLES) Just close your eyes, and we move our faces toward each other. – Okay. – Until we – (SIGHS) – (MARV) Oh! Well, the elusive BoJack Horseman. You do, huh? Hey, Princess Carolyn, guess who just got BoJack a job. You are the secretary of a wonderful agent. Now go pick up a pair of satin crotchless undies. I saw a stewardess at the Yum Yum Donuts. We did not make eye contact. (MAN) Good morning, Los Angeles. It’s two months later in 2007. (MAN 2) Two months later? Two months later than what? (MAN 1) Did I say two months later? Cookie chartreuse brontosaurus, I think I’m having a stroke. Aaah! – Jeez, sleep much? – Jeez, watch me sleep much? Well, I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about today’s first read-through. These things are always so nerve-wracking, to sit there and perform for all these people like some kind of a– – Professional actor? – Very funny. – Before I forget, I got you a present. – (GASPS) It’s a box with crinkly tissue paper inside it. How did you know? Thank you for putting this whole thing together. Even though I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this. Promise me everything’s going to be okay? I promise it’s gonna be great. If you get scared, look for me in the audience. I’ll be there the whole time, laughing and cheering louder than anyone. – Mmm – Mm-mmm-mm. “Mitch tosses the vodka bottle into the garbage. Thud.” “Goodbye, old friend.” “Mitch turns off the light and closes the door as we Fade to black. End of episode.” Thank you. Let’s see what the suits say. Bet they’re gonna want to bland it up, make it appeal to middle America. (GROANS) That’s the worst part of America. Other than the bottom, the top and most of the sides. BoJack, Cuddlywhiskers, what can we say? This is why you guys are the pros and we’re just the schmoes. I think what my husband is trying to say is, “Great job.” Enough with the torture. Don’t have to feed me to finger me. Just lay on the notes. (LAUGHS) Our only note? No notes. – No notes? – We love this show. BoJack, I’m calling it right now. This show is gonna be as big as Horsin’ Around. (GULPS) Huh. And then Justin said, “Jessica Biel? You are un-Jessica-Bielievable.” – It was so funny. – Wow. It seems like you’re really in sync with this Justin guy. You should do all the things with him that I can’t do. Like eat chocolate, or enjoy fireworks, or watch tennis. Why, tennis makes me so mad. Why doesn’t anyone ever catch the ball? Hello? Can we please get some service in this place? I’m famous actress Jessica Biel. I’m one of the Jessicas. Mom, I’m finally gonna be a published writer. My “Open Letter to Open Letters” is going to be published in McSweeney’s. Mc-What? Who’s that? Some Irish? No, Mom. It’s a very popular website. Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not falling for that scam. Website? We gotta print it out on our own paper with our own ink? – I don’t think so. – Mom. And my Blockbuster original series has been keeping me very busy. I still don’t get how that’s gonna work, at all. Babe, it makes total sense. They make the whole season, put it on six DVD’s. People go to their local Blockbuster Video and rent it out one disc at a time for five days each. What if someone already rented the episodes they want? They can just get something else, like The Illusionist or The Prestige. – Whichever one you were in. – Do you know which one? – Do you? – (GROANS) – Why do you say yes to everything? – I get excited by the possibilities. Look, a CD, at a coffee shop? That is crazy. – Buying it. – Eh-eh eh-eh! No. – Drop it. Drop it. – (WHIMPERS) Good boy. Buzz-buzz-buzz buzz buzz-buzz! – You heard what the network said. – Heard they loved it. Yoo-hoo! I also heard that. Exactly. The network loved it. Obviously, we’re playing it too safe. If you want my opinion, fellas, you hit oil, stop drilling. “I am an oil man. I drink your milkshake.” – That’ll be funny in a year or so. – Before that got sad and weird, you said, “If you want my opinion,” and we don’t. Cuddlywhiskers, you told me you wanted to do something different. Now we’re doing something that’s gonna be “just as good as Horsin’ Around.” Is that what you wanted? That’s not why I’m here. – I know. – I really think you’re making a mistake. I’m not taking career advice from somebody who’s been an assistant the last 14 years. Is that how you think of me? As your agent’s assistant? – What do you think you are? – I don’t know. Here’s some free advice: you should know. Why don’t you leave this to the grown-ups? Somebody needs coffee, I’ll give you a ring. Okay, best of luck. (CLEARS THROAT) Cuddlywhiskers, let’s give ourselves one night to stick our dicks in this script and go balls deep into the universe. I’m in. What’s that, you say? There’s a panic? At the disco? I gotta go. What do you want, Toots? I want to be an agent. I think I’m ready. (GROANS) Again with this “I wanna be a female agent” thing. They don’t even have a word for it. Uh, agentess, agentrix. – It’s just called “agent”, Marv, agent. – Okay, okay! You’re an agent, all right? I dub thee agent. You can even take my office, because I quit. – What? – Who needs the headache? Thirty years I threw into this job and it destroyed me from the inside out. I never fell in love, I never had a family. I never even got to give that lacy teddy to the mean woman who worked at the DMV. (SIGHS) All I have is regrets. Oh, my God, I’m an agent! I’m gonna make it after all. Whaah! First thing I’m gonna do is get rid of that ceiling fan. How do we make it clear that this isn’t Horsin’ Around? What if in the very first scene, we show my character literally taking a massive dump on a VHS copy of Horsin’ Around? What? That’s insane. Let’s just put it in, we can always take it out later. I want this character to be really edgy, the kind of character Denis Leary would be offered and then say: “This character’s too edgy for me.” What if he had a catchphrase that was an anti-catchphrase? Like if every time he entered the room he was like, “Whassup, bitches?” Not that, because that’s horrible. But something like that. Whassup, bitches? – That is so dumb. – But kind of brilliant, right? Yes, put that in. Put all this in, this should be the show. This should be the show. I haven’t felt this alive since the head of the Charles Regatta. – That’s a Harvard thing. – Yes. This is brilliant. What if we had five minutes of him reading a book to himself? Oh, my God, yes. Just him turning the page. A close-up of my eyeball. – (BOTTLE BREAKS) – The real shit, they never show that. Wow, we did it. We stayed up all night, but we really made something new and different and daring. We’ve changed everything but the title. Well, then, how about we give it a new title? – The BoJack Horseman Show. – (GASPS) Oh, Cuddlywhiskers, I don’t know what to say. Well, then why don’t you just say, “Whassup, bitches?” But, you know, not that. – Something like that. – We’ll figure it out. Seriously, can I hear 400 dollars? Let’s not forget why we’re here tonight. To raise money for the John Edwards campaign. I was talking to one of the volunteers earlier and she was just gushing about how John Edwards touched her. I say, let’s make this man president so he can touch whoever he wants. – Four hundred dollars. – I don’t know what’s cheesier, this three-cheese risotto or that dude’s patter. Seriously. This fundraiser should have a fundraiser for a better host of this fundraiser. Totes McGotes. I’ll post that to my Twitter page. You should follow me. I’m A with a circle around it, “insWayne in the membWayne”. – (DIANE SIGHS) – What’s a Twitter page? (CHUCKLING) Erica, you know you’re not allowed to vote in national elections. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) You sure it’s okay to be in your parents’ bedroom? Todd, so we’ve been together for months now. Um, I was thinking maybe that we try sex? Uh We don’t have to. I don’t wanna peer pressure you. No. I’m ready for sexual situations. – Um – Hooray. Um, taking your virginity. Yeah, sure. That’s how I would say it. Okay, here we– Here I go. Uh, this is Todd doing sex. – (GARAGE DOOR OPENING) – Did you hear that? Oh, snap. My dad’s home early. You gotta get out of here. Your dad, the mobster? What? My dad’s not a mobster. You said he was like that guy from The Sopranos. I said he works on The Sopranos. He’s an editor. Oh, God, oh, God! Even worse. He must be so desensitized to violence and nihilistic ruminations on the banality of evil. Here, out the window. You love shimmying, right? You know I love shimmying, but that’s a two-story drop. Use this. – Go, get out. Go, go! – Uh, okay. Oh, shit. (GRUNTS) Sorry. (PANTING) Whoa, whoa, Tony marries Dr. Melfi? Mamma mia! – So, the island’s purgatory, right? – What’s really happening– – Hold that thought. – (GROANS) Hey, Princess Carolyn, you came. I figured since I’m your agent, I should at least show up to your premiere party. I know I haven’t called in a while. I’ve been really busy. I figured you’d call me if you needed a coffee. Ouch. Hey, big premiere tonight. Very exciting. Yeah. After tonight, it’s no more “Aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around?” From now on it’ll be, “You’re BoJack Horseman.” I’m happy for you, BoJack. – How about a kiss for good luck? – No, BoJack. I’m your agent and your friend, and I will always support you. But I’m 33 years old, and I want to have a family by the time I’m 40. I don’t want to spend the next seven years in and out of love with you. I’ve wasted too much time waiting for things to happen. And I’m not gonna wait anymore. And for what it’s worth, I always liked the horse from Horsin’ Around. – You did? – Yeah. Everybody did. Unbelievable. Un-Jessica-Bielievable. Can we not fight while I’m at a gig? There are a lot of big producers, this could be my next big break. (GROANS) This podunk benefit is below us. I’m about to be in what I’ve been told is a very important gay rights movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I now pronounce me very impressed, but I’m not getting those kinds of offers. – As Justin would say, “Cry me a river.” – Hey, if you like Justin so much, maybe you should just continue to be really good friends with him. Fine, maybe I will marry Justin. Uh, I didn’t say that. I now pronounce this marriage over. Biel with it. (SOBBING) – You wanted water? – Thanks. Wait. Blarn, right? Yeah, from the coffee shop. What are you doing here? Is there coffee to “bariste”? I also do cater waiter gigs to make ends meet. You “bariste” and cater and waiter? (LAUGHS) Triple threat. I should be bringing you the water. You know, just for the record, I think it’s cool that you put yourself out there. A lot of guys in your position wouldn’t take gigs like this. They’d be afraid people would make fun of them. That’s dumb. If you care about what other people think, you’re never gonna do anything. – Yeah, you’re right. – Oh, my God, I’m so glad you agree. I was like, “Why did I say that? That was so dumb.” Then you were like, “That’s right.” And I was like, “Ooh! Validation.” – Hey, mind if I change out of this shirt? – Go ahead. (GROANS) This monkey suit is killing me. Oof! Hey there, Delilah. Sweet hang, Blarn. You’re one in a million. – Actually, my name isn’t Blarn. – What? I put that on my nametag as a dumb joke to subvert the idea of co-opting personal identity to further corporate branding which, as I’m saying it, isn’t much of a joke. (LAUGHING) “Blarn.” That is very funny. You should be a writer. Thanks. I’m Diane. – Mr. Peanutbutter. – Yeah, I know. – Add me on MySpace, okay? – Sure. All right. Guess I’ll see you around, Diana. It’s Diane. Hey, buddy, slight change of plans. Call it off. Call the whole thing off. What do you mean? We premiere in two minutes. Call the network, cancel the whole thing. Nobody wants to see me take a dump on a Horsin’ Around VHS. BoJack, it’s going to be fine. This is what we wanted, remember? Easy for you to say. It’s my name on the show. This is why I didn’t want to do another TV show. Everything was perfect. BoJack, this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I can’t promise everyone will love this show. No matter what, people will remember it. Five, ten years from now, this is the show people will associate you with, and you’ll be glad they do. Because this show is real, it’s edgy, it’s different. A lesser talent couldn’t have pulled it off. But I’m willing to bet on BoJack Horseman. – Are you? – Yes, I am. Great. Because the show is starting and your life is about to change forever, in three, two, one. (BOJACK ON TV) Whassup, bitches? Back in ‘07 I was in a not-successful TV show – I’m BoJack the Horseman – Goddamn What the hell was I thinkin’, bro? When you’re an artist Yeah, it’s hard to play it safe That show stumbled hard right out the starting gate Wonder if I’m ever gonna get another chance Maybe a listicle at best Yeah, I’m not a horse, I’m an ass BoJack Boxer versus Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 3 3 BoJack Kills What happened to my birthday cake? – Goober. – It wasn’t me. But you’re welcome to check my pockets. – Go home, Goober. – Go home, Goober. Oh, I was a Goober, all right. I Goobed with the best of ‘em. But that ain’t me anymore. I’m now the proprietor/spokesperson/ number one customer of Whale World. At Whale World, families come together to admire the fine female form of the majestic killer whale. It’s educational. Join us in the Splash Zone. You and your little ones are gonna get moist. Whoo-hoo! These orcas have the floppiest dorsal fins in town and they can’t wait to jump through hoops for you and your kids. Bring your prepubescent daughters, who are beginning to be cognizant of a woman’s role in the world. They won’t internalize deeply problematic notions about the commodification of sexuality in today’s society. What are you talking about? It’s just whales. And what about so-called “experts,” who say it’s wrong to keep these girls in captivity so they can amuse and entertain us? Well, to those people I say, “Stop saying that, okay?” These sea girls are my family, and my business. And they can be yours too. Come on down to Whale World, a fun, sexy time for the whole family. – Hey, Jill. – Where are you? I hear mirth. An elementary school all inclusive non-denominational winter day pageant. Oh, no. The snow goblin wants to destroy our seasonal festivities. “Snow goblin” is an offensive slur. Jesus, Jill. And you thought your play sucked. – I didn’t. – Well, regardless. A lot of these fancy kids’ fancy parents are Oscar voters. If I wanna get nominated, I got to rub elbows and whatever the non-denominational word for schmooze is. Hobnob. Did you check on Cuddlywhiskers like I asked? He’s doing great. Little of this, little of that. Likes to go jogging in a big wheel. – You didn’t check on him, did you? – Completely forgot. – Shh! Keep it down, buddy. – Oh, I’m sorry. Did you miss the three wise people make their journey to visit the regular baby? Go to his house. If he’s not there, you must retrieve something for me, something of a sensitive nature. Oh, fine, if it’ll finally make you stop calling me, asking me to go on errands. – What do you need? – A letter I wrote him, back when we were, prepare yourself, I’m about to say lovers Lovers. – That was not enough time to prepare. – Get off the phone, jerk. It was years ago and it was quite beautiful and disgusting all at once. I remember it fondly. And horribly. – What’s in the letter? – None of your concern. I must have it, for sentimental reasons. Goodbye. – Did you have a nice phone call? – Are you in the Academy? – No. – Then I don’t care what you think. – I got to go do a thing for someone. – Fine. You made your appearance, you were magnificent, I’m very proud. But don’t forget, you have a full day of muckety-muck glad-handing. The Bat Mitzvah, the senior Academy member meet and greet. You’ll be wonderful, I have complete faith in you. That is literally the first time anyone ever said that to me. Diane, you’ll keep up his Internet presence? I want him trending by this afternoon. But good trending, not bad trending, you understand? Hashtag you betcha. Did I just say hashtag out loud? Hashtag, oops. Hashtag, oh no! I’m honestly more alarmed by the “you betcha”. I’ll take a smoke break before these little boogers dig into the refrain of “Frosty the Non-Gendered Snow Person.” Ugh. Could you imagine having a kid? Eww. I’m Terry Gross and this is your ring tone. I’m here with novelist Jonathan Lethem. Jonathan, how did you become a ring tone? You know, Terry, growing up in Brooklyn, I was always fascinated by ring tones and the stories they told. Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Hello, my precious darling slice of sunshine, who I am not putting on a pedestal. Just calling for our daily download, as per Dr. Janet’s friendly but firm suggestion. When do you think you’ll be home? – Uh, it might be late. – Okay, just let me know. I cherish you, I respect you and you have value. I feel valued and I value you. I am hearing that and I accept that. – Diane? – Yes? Do you accept my acceptance? I hear it and I accept it and I value it and all the other verbs. Promise you won’t work too hard today? I won’t, if you promise me you won’t bother that skunk next door. I don’t want to come home to a stinky husband. That is some great food for thought. I gotta go right now. Mr. Peanutbutter, my favorite weekday client. – Why are you calling on the weekend? – I need your help. I’ve done something bad, very bad. Put the corpse on ice, I’m on my way. What? No, it’s not. Why would I– Listen, I was sniffing around where I didn’t belong and I got skunked. – What? – You got to help us. – Us? – Todd’s here too. I’m skunked, Princess Carolyn. Skunked real bad. Yeah, yeah, we got real bad skunked, super skunked. – Hardcore. – Yeah, hardcore skunked. Okay. First things first, don’t go back in the house. Sadly, you can call me L.L. Cool J because I am in the house. Yecch! Okay, don’t move. I’ll be there in 20. Mind if I do this real quick? I gotta pick up a letter. Can we make the appearances we’re supposed to make and go home? Oh, sure. I haven’t seen you much since you moved out of my deck chairs. You know, I’ve been focusing on my new job and my marriage and– – And avoiding me? – I’m not avoiding you. I’m just making an effort to not be in a room alone with you – because I am avoiding you. – Oh. You know, I think we’re alike in a lot of ways. I always tell people you’re like the not-cool version of me. Sometimes that’s great, but it also means we can bring out the worst in each other. I’m trying to get my life back on track. I just think maybe it’s better, for both of us, if we keep things a little more professional. Yes, okay. Professional. BoJack and Diane being professional. Doing our jobs and nothing else. We’re at the place I needed to go to. It’s so weird I drove here on accident. Might as well run in and grab that thing I need to get. Then, back to business. – It’s spooky in here. Too spooky. – Really? And what would be the right amount of spooky? Jesus, this thing’s heavy. Now I know how Hilary Swank’s arms got so jacked. Put it down, BoJack. Does it look weird? Me with an Oscar? – I actually think that it feels– – Oh, my God. – I think she’s dead. – Hold on, maybe she’s not dead. Maybe she’s just being a– a whale? No, she’s dead. Maybe there’s someone in her phone we can call. Diane, kids these days don’t call. They communicate via a combination of text messages, – eye rolls, and dick pics. – Oh, my God. What is it? Dick pics? See if they spell out a message. Freeze! Drop the Oscar! – Oh, man. – Well, well, well. Or should I say whale, whale, whale? Killer whale, that is. Or should I say killed whale? – Listen, Officer– – I told you to freeze. You just became prime suspects in the case I like to call, “Black and White and Dead All Over, A Whale Of A Crime: An Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface Mystery.” Eh – Cuff ’em, boys, or, uh, girls. – I am a woman, sir. Lindsay, you know I am trying. Can we please show a united front in front of the perps? – We will talk about this later. – Aww. Ohh! It smells like a skunk skunked another skunk in here, then they smoked a joint. What happened? First I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out, but that did not work. Then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings, to get the Mr. Peanutbutter smell back. And then I smoked a joint, so that might be why it smells like skunk in here. Princess Carolyn, I have to fix this before Diane gets home. Things have been shaky with us since she pretended to be out of the country for two months. And then when I filled our entire house with these giant crates of spaghetti strainers, that did not help. Why buy these spaghetti strainers in the first place? Oh, I don’t even remember. I’m sure it’ll pay off at some point. Man, married life is weird. We’re making an effort and getting stronger every day, but I swear to God we are like five big fights away from a divorce, I do not want this to be one. Okay, number first. We got to get you in a tomato bath. Mmm! Delicious and nutritious. Is marinara all right, or will I need something zestier like Arrabiata? Tomato bath. Whoa! I am so high right now. Wait, was there a skunk in here? – What do you know about Nadia? – Uh, who’s Nadia? Your friend doing the face-down mambo in the king-sized bathtub. – Now I know her name is Nadia. – Oh, so you’re a comedian, huh? Although I am trying to branch into more serious roles. You pigs think you can march all over us. But I know my rights. – Yeah, what are they? – I mean, I don’t know them know them. But I know that I have them. So, can I check my phone real quick? You’re not gonna look up your rights, are you? What? No. I’m just supposed to moderate an Emily VanCamp live-chat talkback on Snapchat. Let me just set up the user preferences here, and you can’t detain us unless we’re under arrest. Damn it. You were looking up your rights, weren’t you? Nope, that was just a thing I already knew. Everyone’s stupid rights these days. I never get to have any fun. – Let’s get out of here. – BoJack, I need to show you something. This is Nadia’s phone. I did not know you were such a klepto. I can buy you a new phone. Check this out, the last text message she sent. “BoJack is going to kill me?” I think someone’s trying to frame you, for murder. Oh, my God, we’re gonna be late for the Bat Mitzvah. We got to get to Brentwood. At this time of day? It’s gonna be murder. Hey! I can’t believe you’re not more concerned about this. – Someone is implicating you in a murder. – I can be two things at once. I am very concerned, but also very proud that today Tovah is a woman. Hi, BoJack Horseman, potential Oscar nominee. I am kvelling over here. Real verklempt. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom. – Shabbat shalom. – Shabbat shalom to you. We need to figure out who’s behind this. Call Jill, find out what she knows. Good thinking. If I go to jail, that will throw a monkey wrench into my awards campaign. The Academy does not look kindly on murder. Rape, they don’t seem to have a problem with. Be careful. Jill could be the one trying to set you up. She did send us to the house. Backstrom, turn it down a notch. Aren’t you supposed to be tweeting for me? This is a crucial weekend for BoJack brand awareness. What am I supposed to tweet? “Someone got murdered, we found the body. – Hashtag murder party”? – No, obviously. Bat Mitzvah in Brentwood. Hashtag Jewish stuff. – BoJack. – Hey, Jill. You’re not trying to frame me for murder, are you? – What? – Can you take this seriously? Can you take this seriously? You find the letter? Check in the vent behind the water feeder. I’ve been pretty tied up at Drake’s cousin’s Bat Mitzvah. Did you know Drake’s cousin was Jewish? I’m sorry, did I forget to hang up? Get the letter. This is why I couldn’t live in New York. Everyone’s so bossy. Also, what’s with the pizza by the slice thing? Hey, New York, either eat a pizza or don’t. I’m calling the last person Nadia was in contact with before she died. Maybe she knows something. – Nadia? – No, this is– Where you been? Boys upstairs are getting real sick of you. Get off the phone, Skinny Gina. You’re on the clock. I gotta go. – That man’s voice sounded familiar. – Yeah, super familiar. Something about that voice made me want to tell it to go home. – It’s Goober. – Goober. That guy never went home. Except for that one episode “Goober Goes Home,” because we were on a softball team together and the home was home plate. They must be at Whale World. Okay, good. Because I absolutely want to get to the bottom of this. Can we at least wait until after they lift the chair? – That is my favorite part. – Yeah, we gotta lift the chair. Oh, I taste delicious. How you boys doing in there? – Ahh! I feel clean as a whistle. – Oh, no, the stain. Me three. You took your bath together? Lena Dunham takes baths with her friends and no one gives her shit. Gotta– Gotta get dry. Mr. Peanutbutter, use the towel. Do not shake. – The sauce is so sticky and wet. – Don’t shake. It’s dripping all over my body. I gotta shake! – Aaah! – Aah! Oh, yeah. Oh, look, that made things worse. Okay, I’ll call a cleaning service. You two get rid of the stinky clothes. You got it, chief. Hooray! Following instructions. Ooh. Fish half off at Beverly Hills farmers market. Hashtag something fishy this way comes. You’re not putting emojis in, are you? BoJack don’t tweet emojis. – BoJack? Oh, my God! – Oh, hey you. I haven’t seen you in forever. – You came to see your old friend. – Uh, yeah. All this time I thought you forgot about me. Things haven’t been so swell with me since the show ended. – Not like you, Mr. Movie Star. – Okay, buddy. Just knowing that you care about me and would come patronize my place of business, – it really means a lot. – You got it, Goober. Oh, no, I haven’t been Goober for 20 years. – You can call me by my real name. – Okay, maybe I will. Right now, call me by my real name. I want to hear you. Uh I want to say Goo bert. Goobert? Oh, you didn’t come to see me, did you? – No, we did, but– – I get it. I’m a big joke. “Let’s all go down to Whale World and laugh at Goober. We’ll have a whale of a good time at Goober’s expense. He’s always good for a laugh.” I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up. Yeah. We’re looking for one of your strippers, Skinny Gina? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don’t employ strippers here. Whale World is a family establishment, where children of all ages have a fun, sexy time. Hey, Skinny Gina, get that sweet tail over here! You got a customer. You enjoy yourself. Well, hello, land mammals. We’re just here to ask you some questions about your friend Nadia. I’m on the clock. You want to chat? Buy me a private dance in the Blowhole Room. – Oh, please. – Ugh, gross. Private dance? But if that’s the only way she’ll talk, then fine. Fine, I’m offended. Yuck. But really, guys, gross. Start it now. But gross. Oh, um, you can dance however you want. Don’t do this for my benefit. Tango, waltz, salsa. I’m just saying, but pretend I’m not here. – How would you dance then? – Like a stripper, probably. Listen, we have some bad news. Your friend Nadia is dead. – Not surprised. – You’re not? A lot of girls like her come through here. Sweet, vulnerable. This place takes ’em and makes ’em a lot of promises. They say they’re gonna take care of you, make you big like Shamu. But once your body gets too banged up, they don’t want you no more. – Thar she blows, then thar she goes. – Shit. Watch your mouth, lady. There are children here. Uh What do you know about Nadia’s relationship with Cuddlywhiskers? Doesn’t ring a bell, never met the guy. His house has been abandoned for months, though. That’s all I know. – That’s it? – That’s it. A bunch of girls used to hang out. He had some sort of system. Told ’em he was gonna help ’em. – What do you mean, “system”? – I have already said too much. A system is a formulated method or plan of procedure. – I know what the word “system” means– – But that’s all I can say. That text that Nadia sent you, “BoJack is going to kill me.” Any idea what that’s about? Hey, I don’t know nothing about BoJack. How do you not know about BoJack? I am very famous. Time’s up. Hey, if you really want to know about all that stuff, come by here real late. There’s an after-hours party. But that’s all I can say. I’m not gonna spill any more beans. Say you got BoJack with you. That’ll get you in. Okay, that’s it. Is Wilbur coming today? Wilbur’s not real. He was a character on a TV show you were on. – Oh. Are my kids coming today? – Um – No. – Hey there, fella. Can’t wait for you to see Secretariat, think you’re gonna love it. Hey, old pal. Hope you remember how to vote. We have to go to this Whale World party. I know I should go, I’m invested in figuring out who’s trying to frame me for murder. Are you sure you wanna go with me? Outside of work hours? I wouldn’t want to be unprofessional. Sorry about what I said. I was embarrassed by the person I was when I was staying with you. I’m trying not to be that person. I make you unhappy? Is that what you’re saying? It’s not about being happy. That’s the thing. I’m just trying to get through each day. I can’t keep asking myself, “Am I happy?” It just makes me more miserable. Can I get a photo with the star? – Of course. – Oh, thank you. I don’t know if I believe in it, real lasting happiness. All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows? – I don’t think they exist. – No one’s happy all the time. – You have to focus on the small things. – Right. – Like winning an Oscar. – Right. Hey, old pal. Look at this guy, still alive. Hope your voting finger works. – What happened out here? – You told us to get rid of the clothes. Oh, we got rid of ’em, all right. They’re never coming back. You two are impossible. Why did you even call me here? Because you’re Princess Carolyn, you can fix anything. That’s true. But you can’t start a fire on your lawn. There’s a drought and– There’s a drought. You, thoughtful husband that you are, got rid of your lawn, and replaced it with drought-resistant landscaping. This could work. I got to make a few phone calls. Aw, thanks. You’re the best. I tell you, I’ve got half a mind to go over and give it to that skunk for starting this whole darn thing. No. You go inside to your spot and stay there while I fix this. – Yeah, but– Right, but, um – Stay. Stay. Stay. Oh, my God. Ugh. – I, uh – Living the nightlife. Hashtag feeling good about myself and my choices. Aah! Hey, look. Let’s definitely follow that guy. – Ladies first. – What a gentleman. Ohh. – Whoa. – Ooh. Ohh. Oh, my God. I’m Terry Gross and this is your ring tone. I’m here with– BoJack kills? Something tells me that’s not a reference to your old stand-up act. Was that necessary? – What do you want? – I’m with BoJack. Yeah? Let me see. – See what? – Let me see some BoJack. Fine. Wicka-wicka-wicka– – Oh, shit. You’re BoJack! – Thank you. Finally. – From the logo. – Huh? BoJack, you didn’t kill Nadia. BoJack did. What? Nighty-night. Wakey, wakey. So, you got a little curious, huh? Thought you’d go sticking your little nose where it doesn’t belong? What’s the play here? Trying to get a cut of my smack biz? What? No, Goober. – You know my real name. – I actually seriously don’t. We just wanted to know why everyone was talking about how BoJack kills? Why would you implicate me in your drug business? Wait, I get what happened. You resented me all these years. My fame, your obscurity. You made me the face of this drug, because to you my face is a symbol for the opiate of show business. – No, man. You played The Horse. – Huh? – Horse is a nickname for heroin. – What? – BoJack. Horse. Heroin. – Uh-huh. Uh Oh– Oh, okay. Yeah, right. – Police! – Oh, God, not again. Gotcha! Richie Osborne, you’re under arrest. – Oh, right, Reggie. – Richie. That’s what I said. I said Rickie. Thank God. How did you find us? Your Twitter account is hooked up to your phone’s location services. We’ve been tracking you through your tweets all night. Actually, I’ve been tracking you all night. Lindsay, I said “we”. Do you need credit for everything? I would like credit for something. What do we know? Nadia was not murdered. She died of a heroin overdose. No one tried to frame me. All right, back in the Oscar race. Look out, Jurj Clooners. But something’s still fishy about this whole mess, – and it’s not just the killer whales. – Whales are mammals, Diane. – I said it’s not the whales. – You said it’s not just the whales. There’s more to this story. What are we missing? Cuddlywhiskers. What was Nadia doing in his backyard in the first place? What was this “system”? And where is he now? Why was it so important to Jill to get that letter back? Oh, yeah, the letter. This mystery has too many things. I say we go back to the house and finally get to the bottom of what’s what. Oh, this is turning into a real caper. A real Jill Pill jail fail killer whale caper. – You’re doing 50 in a 35. – Oh, God, you’re right. I feel so alive. This letter is really graphic. It’s all about their magical nights up at the Ojai property. Ojai property? She wrote out the sounds. What is a “sploink”? Did you know Cuddlywhiskers had an Ojai property? Sure. He always loved to disappear up there. After our show got canceled, he went there for six months. It’s funny, at the time no one knew where he was and we got really worried. Anyway, wonder where he went this time. Oh, you know what? – I don’t see him. Do you? – Huh. – I’m Terry Gross and this your ring tone. – Shit. Mr. Peanutbutter. – Diane, where the hell are you? – Ojai. Oh, hi? You’ve been gone all night, all you have to say is “Oh, hi?” I’m so sorry. BoJack and I were trying to find a killer and– Oh, you’re with BoJack still? Well, that explains it. Of course. Mr. Peanutbutter, I understand and affirm your feeling– I’m glad you’re safe. I was worried about you. – What I’m hearing you say is you were– – No, stop. You have to call me. It doesn’t matter what’s happening, doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the night. You can’t keep doing this to me. I’m sorry. I’m coming home. I’m going back to bed. We’ll talk about this in the morning. – Everything okay? – No. – Sorry. – It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. BoJack? Mmm. After The BoJack Horseman Show fell apart, I got depressed a long time. Sure, I wrote a bunch of hit movies, I made a ton of money, but it wasn’t fulfilling. I remember when I won my Oscar, standing up on that stage, looking at the statue and thought, “This is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life.” And I never felt more miserable. – Oh. Because you’re sober? – Because an Oscar is meaningless. It’s all meaningless. I dedicated myself to helping others. I turned my home into a halfway house for troubled addicts. I had this system for recovery, and it helped a lot of them, but even more slipped through the cracks. That, too, left me empty. Everyone was worried about you, you know. You can’t just disappear. You really hurt a lot of people. Sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. You don’t think that’s a little selfish? I don’t know what to tell you. I’m happy, for the first time in my life. I’m not gonna feel bad about it. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn’t have to be that way. Only after you give up everything can you begin to find a way to be happy. Can you believe that guy? What a nut, right? I just wanna go home. Boxer vs. Raptor, Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 3 4 Fish Out Of Water 1 Why do I have to go to this thing? If we want to be a legitimate awards contender, Secretariat needs to make an appearance at a big festival. -I can’t just go to Cannes? -You Cannes not. Apparently, the French do not care for you ever since you said that thing in the press. Hey, I stand by my critique of Sartre. His philosophical arguments helped tyrannical regimes justify overt cruelty. Also, the French smell and I hate them. And you can’t go to Sundance because Robert Redford hates you. Someone had to tell him The Horse Whisperer was offensive. Sorry, but real horses don’t just do whatever someone says. And that’s why you need to go to this festival. (SIGHS) If you say so. The Pacific Ocean Film Fest, or POFF, is the biggest underwater film festival in the world. You make a splash there, people are going to notice. Fine. All you need to do is get to the premiere on time, 8:00. Walk the red carpet, wave at the crowd, kiss some fish babies. (GROANS) Fish. They’re so annoying. -(SQUEAKING) -Sorry, lady. No habla fish talk. You need to be sensitive to their culture. Things are different down there. You know what a thumb’s up means, right? Yes, I know what a thumb’s up means. I’ll be fine. Oh, I wanted to warn you. Kelsey Jannings is also going to be at the festival. -Kelsey? No. -She has another film there. I haven’t talked to her since she got fired from Secretariat. Well, luckily you won’t have to talk much because you’ll both be underwater. God, I haven’t been underwater since my mother tried to drown me in the bathtub when I was 22. I can’t do this, Ana. I’m sorry. -Sir. -I’m getting off. You can’t. We’ve already pressurized the cabin. -Sir, please return to your seat. -No. I don’t want to do this. You can’t make me. I’m a land creature. I don’t belong down there. You can lead me to water, but you cannot make– -(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) -Aaaah! (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (HORN HONKING) (GURGLING) (TRILLS) (GURGLING SCREAMS) (GURGLES AND GRUNTS) (INAUDIBLE) (GURGLING) (GURGLES AND BABBLES) (LAUGHING) -Mm-hmm. -(GURGLING) (WHIMPERS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) (GURGLING) Uh-oh! (GURGLING) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (BELL DINGS) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (LAUGHING) -(FLASHBULB CLICKING) -(GURGLING) (GASPING) (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) -(SAC POPS) -(GASPS AND GROWLS) (GURGLES) (HORNS HONKING) -(TIRE SKIDDING) -(GURGLING) -(BRAKES SCREECHING) -(HORN HONKS) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GRUNTING) (GROANING) (GURGLING) (GRUNTING) (GURGLING) (BUBBLING) (GURGLING AND GRUNTING) (GURGLING AND GIGGLING) (WHISTLES) (CLANGING) (GURGLING) (GIGGLING) (LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) (GURGLING) (GIGGLES) (LAUGHS AND GURGLES) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GIGGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GASPS) (CRYING) (GASPS) (RETCHES AND SOBS) (SQUEALS) (GURGLES) (CRYING) (SUCKING) (CRYING) (DOOR CHIME RINGING) (CRYING) (BELL DINGS) (CRYING) (GRUMBLES) (GRUMBLES) (CHUCKLING) (GROWLING) (DOOR CHIME RINGS) (GRUMBLING) (CRYING) (BURPS) (GIGGLING) (WHISTLES) (GIGGLING) (GROWLING) (GRUMBLING) (WHISTLING) (SLURPING) (LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) (GURGLES) (COOING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (LAUGHING) (GURGLING) (COOING) (GURGLES) (LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) (RAPID GURGLING) (BEEPING AND CLICKING) (ALARMS BLARING) (GURGLING AND COOING) (GURGLING) (RUMBLING) (GURGLING) -(ALARM BLARING) -(GURGLING) (GRUNTING AND GURGLING) (GURGLING) (KNOCKING) (GURGLES) (COOING) (CLANGING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ON RADIO) (GRUMBLES) (GRUMBLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (GURGLING) (PIANO JAZZ PLAYING) (CHITTERING AND CLICKING) (LAUGHING) (THUMPING) -Hey, move it, buddy. -(SPEAKER CLICKS) -(CLICKS) -What are you, deaf? -(SPEAKER CLICKS) -Oh, you have got to be kidding– You’ll find me In a sea of dreams Where no one cares about my words I hear her voice She laughs now She loves me now And always did Boxer versus Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 3 5 Love And-Or Marriage 1 – Hey, buddy, big day. – (MOANS) No. – Big premiere day. – Stop. Secretariat in theaters now. – How exciting. – Please stop. People are seeing your movie, forming opinions, judging you, all over the country. – What are you doing? – Or not. Maybe nobody’s seeing it. Wouldn’t it be weird if literally nobody saw your movie? How do I get out of this conversation? JUST THINK: by this time tomorrow, we’ll know if it’s a hit or a flop. The air crackles with possibilities. – Oh, good lord. (GROANING) – Uh-oh. It’s all over. My career is gone. I’m sure it’s going to be fine. Wasn’t Secretariat a big hit at the Pacific Ocean Film Festival? Critics called it, “Gurgle glub glub blub blub.” Festivals don’t matter, Todd. It’s so you can get some leaves on your poster. But this is the real world now. If this doesn’t hit big this weekend – It’s Oh! Oh, God. (GASPS) – Oh, no! BoJack, it’s gonna be okay. – (PHONE RINGING) – (GASPS AND MOANS) BoJack, the East Coast box office is in. Secretariat is, wait for it – a huge success! – Why would you make me wait for it? That was a terrible time for a “wait for it.” Do you know what this means? You’re no longer just some TV actor they threw into a movie, you’re a bona fide movie wait for it, star. BoJack, how do you feel? Awesome. (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) We defy odds, we face challenges with valor, and we never give in. For those reasons, and many more, our love is like the team that inspired the movie Cool Runnings. If I may borrow that film’s promotional tag line, “Jamaican Bobsledders?” That’s right, Diane. “Jamaican bobsledders.” Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter. Thank you, Dr. Janet, for Jamaican me open up like that. That took up most of the hour, but we do still have a little time to hear from Diane. Mr. Peanutbutter, I think you are great. – Is that all? – I’m sorry. I’m not always good at using words to describe emotions. Aren’t you a writer? Writer/social media coordinator/ director of New Media Outreach. – (ALARM BLARING) – Aah! That gentle sound tells us the sun has set on our time together this week. But I remind you of the importance of communication. It’s the very blade of the bobsled. I’m not singling out either one of you, but I think for the next time, some people here might want to work on putting their thoughts and feelings into words, as a writer does. – Mmm? – Mm-mmm. – Ah. – (SIGHS) I settled on a company dental plan. It’s called, “The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.” – Seemed comprehensive. – Not “tooth” shabby, Judah. – (LAUGHING) – Yes. I also wanted to talk to you, if this is a good time, and it is, because you have exactly nine minutes before your meeting on Captain Hooker 2: Yo Ho Ho Ho and A Bottle Of Booty. Yeah, what’s up? I’ve taken on duties beyond the scope of my original contract. – I think I’ve proven my worth. – Are you asking for a raise? A more elegant solution might involve an ownership position in the company. I thought I’d ask for 15 percent stake, you’d counter with five, we’d settle on ten. – Well, then, it’s settled. – I’ll draw up the paperwork. Speaking of paper, Piper Perabo and Pauley Perrette need to push back the pitch on the Princess and the Pauper project. – You have a night off tonight. – A night off? – When’s the last time that happened? – It hasn’t. – Can I help you with anything else? – Get me a date for tonight. Make that three dates. Who knows when I’ll get another night off? I do. And you won’t. (SIGHS) Excuse me, my good man. My movie, starring me, the movie star, just opened. We’d like to sit at the bar. Drinks on the house. Of course, Mr. Horseman. Right away, Mr. Horseman. (CLEARS THROAT) Mr. Sutherland, I’m going to have to ask you to give up your seat for a movie star and his companion. – Yeah. Beat it, Kiefer. – (SCOFFS) Wow! – They love you here. – Everybody loves a movie star, Todd. I’m gonna get a lot of love. I want you by my side, soaking up the spillover and feasting on my discarded leftovers. Sounds great, Boj. Tonight, we’re riding a rocket straight into the sun. You won’t get left on the launchpad just because nobody knows your name. – Todd? Todd Chavez? – I think you mean BoJack. – BoJack Horseman. – Emily. No, BoJack. Why do people keep saying names that aren’t my name? I haven’t seen you since high school. You look great. I love the hat. Thanks. What brings you here? My dumb best friend’s getting married, so I’m here for the rehearsal dinner. Why is everybody not talking about me for a moment? This is concerning. – Oh, my God. You’re BoJack Horseman. – Yeah, duh. I loved The BoJack Horseman Show. That is, like, my favorite show. – You mean Horsin’ Around? – No, The BoJack Horseman Show. It was so dumb. It was the best. – Thank you? – I mean, it was the worst. – But that’s what made it so good. – Yeah, I got it. I was laughing at it because it was so bad, do you understand? – You’re being very clear. – I feel like I’m not articulating. My enjoyment didn’t come from a place of sincere admiration. It was more like, “What an ill-conceived television show. Who made those terrible choices? I can’t stop watching.” You don’t have to keep Anyway, I’m pretty much in love with you. Thanks. I love you. By which I mean, you’re terrible. I should get back to this stupid rehearsal dinner. Todd, it was really great to see you. Wait, did you say there’s a wedding? – I said “rehearsal dinner,” but – Whoa! We gotta crash that. Boring regular people love it when movie stars show up and drink their alcohol. They jizz their pants for that shit. – I don’t know, BoJack. – I’m sorry, Todd. Are you a movie star? I did narrate a Mazda commercial. Funny story how that came together. This is not the time for one of your weird stories that go nowhere. – We’ve got a wedding to crash. – It’s a rehearsal dinner. It just doesn’t come easy for me, like it does for you. Communication is a process. That’s why we’re going to Dr. Janet. – That, and there was a Groupon. – You had a model growing up. You had a house filled with love, parents who said nice things to you, and the beautiful verdant hillsides of the Labrador Peninsula. I didn’t have Diane Peninsula. I had the Isthmus of Assholes. I keep telling you we should go visit the old country. You’d love it up there. There’s so much to smell. (CHUCKLES) That’s weird. I just got a text from Alexi Brosefino. The famous movie star and man about town? He wants me to come to his house and party with his friends. The Snatch Batch? Alexi Brosefino wants you to party with the Snatch Batch? He’s one of our clients. I met him a couple weeks ago. We talked about me Instagramming one of his parties. I didn’t think he actually wanted me to do it tonight. Oh, wait. Tonight? I hoped we could snuggle up on the couch and watch Bones. I don’t think that show’s about what you think it’s about. Besides, I have to go. It’s for work. I’m sorry. It’s fine. But you’ll call me if you’re out late, right? – Yes. I’ll call you. – Okay. Have a good time. Ugh! I’m sure I won’t. Cool guys like that take me back to high school and I end up feeling like a huge nerd over again. The only kind of nerd you should feel like is hon-nerd that he selected you. Princess Carolyn, I made reservations for you tonight at Elefante. – Reservations? – For your dates. One at seven, one at 8:30, and one at ten. You actually got me three dates? – I was joking. – I’m sorry. I sometimes have trouble reading tone. Once I spent 45 minutes at a fascinating lecture at the Apollo Theater before I realized it was a comedy routine. I can’t go on three dates. Can we reschedule two of them? It will be a long time before you get another night off. Especially since you have those lawyers coming next week to change light bulbs. Okay, I just realized now that was also a joke. As the father of one of the brides, I just wanted to take a moment to Buenas noches, amigos. Let’s get blasted. Right? Oh, my God, BoJack Horseman. The movie star. This is the happiest day of my life. – (CHEERING) – (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) – Ooh. – (DOORBELL RINGS) – Can I help you? – I’m Diane. – Um – I work for Princess Carolyn. You texted me to come hang out with you and your friends. – I’m running out of things to say. – Oh, yeah. Diane. Yeah, no, of course. Come in, please. – Holy shit. Is that a Klimt? – Hey, guys, we got a guest. Diane, this is Carlos, David, and Shitshow. – Yo. – Word. Ah, the famous Snatch Batch. That’s just a dumb name some reporter came up with. We don’t actually call ourselves that. We all have sex with a lot of women. But who cares? We also love getting brunch. You might as well call us the Brunch Batch. Or the Brunch Bunch. Oh, my God, Carlos, that’s why you’re the funny one. That is really good. Write that one down. Yeah, we get why the Casanova narrative is appealing and how it helps our brand. – We’re not complete idiots. – Yeah, except for Shitshow. – (BLOWS RASPBERRY) – (LAUGHING) Good one. But within each man lives a great multiplicity, right? – Nobody is just one thing. – Yeah, except for Shitshow, right? – (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) – Ah You know, we can make fun of him because, like, he’s our friend. I am so sorry, Shitshow. But the modern era of automotive glass began when engineers took two panes of laminated glass and separated them with a thin layer of PVB. – Uh-huh. – How about you? Are you in the industry? – Yes, actually. I’m an agent. – Agent? Oh, you’re in the entertainment industry. When I said the industry, I meant the auto glass industry. We call our business the industry because we think we’re more important than everybody else. (SIGHS) (WHISTLES) I could bore everyone to death about how proud I am of the woman Taneisha’s become, but rather than read the remarks I’ve been preparing for the last eight months, I’m gonna turn the microphone over to an honest to God movie star, BoJack Horseman, ladies and gentlemen. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you. Let’s get to the reason we’re here. And no, Uncle George, I don’t mean the chocolate fountain. (LAUGHTER) You know, I don’t know Karen and Taneisha super well, but I do know how precious and rare it is to find that one missing puzzle piece who completes you. And when you know, you know. You know? So congrats to the happy couple for knowing. Okay, as they say in the movie business, “That’s a wrap on BoJack.” Let’s hear it from some of these bridesmaids. Taneisha, Karen. (SING-SONG) Taneisha Karen On the way here, the driver stopped in some weird parking lot and asked if he could touch my hair. – That’s terrifying. – I know. It is a very popular ride-sharing app, you’d think they could vet their drivers better. Which app is that? I probably shouldn’t say, for legal reasons. I think we all know which one I’m talking about. You know what would solve a lot of problems? If there was a ride-share app for women that only had women drivers. That is such a good idea, Todd. – You always did have such great ideas. – You know what else would be cool? A miniature cupcake gun, so you could shoot tiny cupcakes into your mouth. “Uh-oh! Is that guy trying to kill himself?” “Nope, just a cupcake gun.” Wait, no, go back to your other idea. – Which one? – The one about the women drivers. Taneisha, and Karen. (SOBBING) Karen and Taneisha. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) And my foundation focuses on clean water initiatives and that’s actually how I met Carlos. He patented a process for ionic remineralization. – It’s crazy. – That’s incredible. Okay, enough shop talk. Let’s roll. – Diane? – Oh, drug taking. That’s cool. I’m cool. – What is this, Molly? – (LAUGHTER) Yeah, Diane, some drug dealer from 2013 found a time machine and gave us this Molly. – Nobody does Molly anymore. – This is Gush. What’s Gush? (CHUCKLES) Look, Diane, I get that this is maybe not your usual scene. – So don’t feel like you have to do any – No, no, I can hang. Let’s do drugs. Let’s put the drug in my mouth, so I can trip or roll or gush or – (GULPING) – Oh, you all did it. Uh Here we go. Oh, it doesn’t hit right away, does it? – No, it’ll take a few minutes. – Okay. So how’d you guys meet Shitshow? We went to his TED Talk. Oh, it is so great to finally date a woman my age. – Yes. – Who’s comfortable in her own skin. I always say, there’s more than one way for a cat you know, to have skin. And has come to terms with not having children. What makes you think I don’t want to have children? Oh, come on. What are you, serious? At your age? Since when are you an expert on who can and cannot have children? I’m a gynecologist. I specialize in fertility. I’d be happy to put you in the stirrups, look at the old cat eggs. Ecch! Not if you were the last albino rhino gyno on the planet. I’m the only albino rhino gyno I know. – Should we get some wine? – Oh, great. You’re also a wine addict. Oh, yeah! So to do a soft launch, I think we’d only need about ten cars. I could work out any bugs with the app. You really know what you’re talking about. So, do you think your girlfriend would get jealous if we started this project together, or Oh, God, this is so embarrassing for you, but I actually don’t have a girlfriend. That’s a really weird assumption for you to make. You look really dumb right now. No, actually, I was kind of hoping you weren’t seeing anybody. I’m also not seeing anybody, for what it’s worth. – Ohh. – Hey, Todd, you must be a real cool dude if a movie star wants to hang out with you for no reason. Just wanted to give you a key to the room I booked, which nobody is in right now. – Winkity dinkity. – BoJack. Maybe you two should just go see if the bed works. A lot of these rooms have faulty beds. – That’s a great idea. – Uh, yeah. Okay, let me just finish this cocktail real quick. (SLURPING) – Uh – All right, Todd. Yeah, go. Ahh! Cool, I’m just gonna get one or two more drinks and then we’ll go check out that bed. (EMILY) Okay. Um hello, everybody. I was thinking about what BoJack said before. About how when you know, you know. And I’m sitting there, and I’m thinking, “Do I know?” – Uh – I mean, I think I know. But if you know when you know and I only think that I know, maybe that means that I don’t know, right? – Oh, boy. – Karen, I’m sorry. I love you, but I can’t do this. The wedding’s off. (GASPING) – (EMILY) It’s a rehearsal dinner. – Thank you, BoJack. – (MIC FEEDBACK) – (SOBBING) Uh I don’t think it’s working. Am I doing this wrong? Am I doing drugs wrong? Alexi, did you hear back from that piece you texted? – Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm. – “That piece”? That girl was hot. What was her name again? Doesn’t matter. I mean, let’s just enjoy ourselves, right? – Diane? – What? No, the hot girl. Her name was Diane. You saved her in your phone as Cool Sexy Diane. Let’s just, like, drop it, now. That’s funny. You have two friends named Diane. You know, I also know Diane Lane. So, there’s that. Why are we talking about other Dianes? Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if you tried to text Cool Sexy Diane, but then instead you texted Regular Boring Diane by mistake? And then I showed up and you were like, “Who’s this chick?” All night, I’d be hanging out with you, thinking I was one of the gang, but it was just a big mistake because you meant to text Oh, shit, that’s exactly what happened. Wait, Diane, please hear me out (VOICE DEEPENS AND DISTORTS) Whoa. (LAUGHTER, DISTORTED) Oh, shit. It’s hitting. I gotta go. (PANTING) – Diane, wait. Come on. – I get it, okay? You’re the cool kids. I’m the nerd. I should have known. So I texted the wrong person. So what? This isn’t high school. There’s no nerds and no cool kids. We’re all adults. We’re hanging out together and having a good time. – So just come back inside. – Everyone knows I don’t belong there. Hey, you belong wherever you want to belong, Diane. – Yeah? – Yeah, look at me. I’m a handsome white guy and I never feel like I don’t belong. Also, you took a shit ton of gush. – Things are about to get insane. – I just took one pill. Yeah, that’s a shit ton. – My jeans feel amazing right now. – That is great. I feel so much love. I got to tell someone. Yes, yes, tell me. I’m in this with you, Diane. No. I got to go home. I got to tell my husband. – (SIGHS) – Wait, Diane. That tree is amazing. Ugh! (SHUDDERS) – Princess Carolyn? – You’ve got to be kidding me. – You’re a cat. – And you’re a mouse. – I think I know how this ends. – (BOTH CHUCKLING) Let’s not waste each other’s time and cut right to the chase. – It was nice to meet you, uh? – Ralph Stilton. It was nice to meet you. May all your disasters be this easy to avoid. (CHUCKLING) If I have one more bad date Oh! I am right there with you. Date canceled. I could use a bite to eat, though. There’s this great place around the corner. It’s a little hole in the wall, but they do a nice cheese plate. Hmm. – (SOBBING AND SNIFFLING) – (HOWLING) Wow. Weird turn of events, huh? Nobody’s fault, right? I’m gonna jet. You need to talk some sense into my daughter. Yeah, talking sense into people isn’t really my thing. In fact, I’m better at the opposite. I once got Nic Cage to buy Charlie Chaplin’s mustache on eBay. That was his last ten bucks. Please, BoJack. She’ll listen to you. Everyone loves the movie star. (GROANS) Uh hey, laundry cart. Want to hide in sheets and pretend we’re ghosts? No, Todd, I don’t want to pretend like we’re ghosts. I want to go in the hotel room and fool around. Do you? (CHUCKLES) I don’t know, Emily. Uh, you’re pretty drunk. No, I’m I’m not. I’m not drunk at all. – Oh, well, I’m pretty drunk. – Yeah, but it seems like you’re Maybe I should just go to bed. – I’m, uh, I’m feeling kind of sick. – Oh, yeah. Okay. But, hey, it was really great seeing you. – Yeah, it was great seeing you too. – Yeah, yeah, good night. (SIGHS) What? (LAUGHING) My arm is stuck in the trap and I’m running around the kitchen like crazy, smearing blood everywhere. – Oh, this is me. – (ALARM CHIRPS) I think as far as disasters go, that was one of the better ones. It’s the best non-date I’ve ever had. Yeah, I was thinking, maybe some time we should have a – What’s the opposite of a non-date? – A date. – That’s the word. – I’d like that. Well, great, great. (CHUCKLES) When can I see you again? When’s your next night off? Oh. Did I say something? Is it because I asked for the glass of milk? – If you give me a cookie – No, you’re great. It’s just running an agency doesn’t give me a lot of nights off. Tell you what, here’s my card. If you’re ever free, give me a call. If not, I’ll just meet somebody else and invite you to the wedding. – Oh, thanks. – You don’t have to come, but send a gift. – Hey, Taneisha? – (SNIFFLING) BoJack? – I was thinking about what you said – Stop doing that. Nobody should be thinking about the things I say. – I love Karen. But does she complete me? – Taneisha, nobody completes anybody. That’s not a real thing. If you’re lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, sink your nails in and don’t let go, no matter what. – So, what, I should just settle? – Yes, thank you, exactly. Settle. Because otherwise you’re just gonna get older, and harder, and more alone. And you’re gonna do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn’t get filled. One day, you’re gonna look around and you’re going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world. (DOOR LATCH CLICKS) – The wedding is back on. – (CHEERING) I love you, baby. I always knew I did. – This is the happiest day of my life. – Yeah. (BRENNAN) Sometimes, the only way to solve a crime is with bones. (CHUCKLING) (MAN) Hey, if you love bones so much, maybe we should just call you “Bones.” (GIGGLING) Bones. (BRENNAN) To the Bones Mobile. (PANTING) Mr. Peabut Nutter. Mr. Peeper Number. – Diane? Are you okay? – (SHUSHING) The drugs have something to say. And even though they are drugs, they come from science, so let’s give a listen. Okay. I know I don’t always have the right words, I don’t always have the right feelings, but I love you so much and I need you to know that. Yeah, I know. And sometimes I think that I know myself, but maybe that’s a trap. Because maybe I am Cool Sexy Diane, or Really In Touch With Her Feelings Diane. Or possibly other Dianes we don’t even know about yet. The point is, I’m all of the Dianes. I know exactly what you’re talking about. I love that you do crazy things that make no sense, like fill our house up with spaghetti strainers. I had a very good reason for that, but I do not remember what it was. And we’re really good for each other. Or at least, you’re good for me. And you’re fun. And you’re sweet. And I love you. And I need you. And I don’t always know how to tell you that. But drugs help. That’s right, honey. Drugs are great. And now, I’m going to carry my man to bed. – Here we go. – Oh, okay. – (GRUNTING AND STRAINING) – Uh, is this a good idea? The drugs want me to do this, and that means it’s a good idea. – Aaah! (GRUNTS) – Ohh! Ow! Drugs, I thought we were friends. Oh. – Why were you working in the dark? – Oh, I guess it got dark. – I didn’t notice. How were your dates? – (SIGHS) Pointless. Yes, most dates are. Well, I’ve prepared our agreement. – Look it over, sign it at your leisure. – I don’t have any leisure. While you’re signing, I have a stack of holiday cards for the staff. I took the liberty of writing little personal messages – to everyone on your behalf. – Thank you. Mm-hmm. – Hey. – Hey. – What’s gonna happen tomorrow? – I don’t know. – Are we going to fight? – No. We are. Drugs are gonna wear off and I’m gonna be mean. – Why am I so mean? – You’re not mean. (EXHALES) (GASPS) – Let’s go to the Labrador Peninsula. – Yeah? – Spend New Year’s with your family. – Oh, you are gonna love it up there. I have an uncle who still plays the flute at the local pub every week. – I want to hear him. – Ohh, you can’t. – He plays in dog frequency. – Aww. Well, your blood work looks good. So go home. Oh, and, uh, lay off the drugs. Especially now. – Why especially now? – Oh, don’t worry. Your baby’s fine. What do you mean “baby”? Why do you say “baby”? Do you not know? – You’re pregnant. – Motherf Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the Horseman – BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer vs. Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 3 6 Brrap Brrap Pew Pew 1 fucker! – So, we have some options. – Yeah, a lot of options to discuss. – You know I love you. – That’s not what this is about. We always agreed we didn’t want kids, unless A streetwise but soulful teen needed somewhere to live as he waited for his Juilliard audition. We’d support his dancing and let him stay in the guest room, right. – But a baby? Are you? – It’s not about me. There’s no “I” in uterus, there’s only “us.” And “U,” and another “U,” but that’s the “U” that’s in “us,” so I already said that “U.” The point is, I’m going to be here for you, 24/7. Two hundred and forty-seven percent, that’s how “there for you” I’ll be. – Whatever you decide – What we decide, because this is Definitely. This is a conversation. Let’s both say what we want at the same time on three. – Okay. – One, two On three or after three? How could I say it “on three”? I’ll be saying “three.” – Okay. Okay. – One, two, three – Abortion. – Get an abortion. Oh, no. We said different things. The Oscar race is heating up, and all the hot stars came out to sizzle at the Golden Snowflake Awards. Step one on the 48 awards show gauntlet that is The Exhausting Road To Oscar. The nominees for best actor in a motion picture or Vine are Mitt Dermon for Midnight Hole Bread Poot for City Of AIDS Lernernerner DiCarpricorn for The Haberdasher’s Peanut Jurj Clooners for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee and BoJack Horseman for Secretariat. Oh, my God. And the Golden Snowflake is Jurj Clooners. Oh, my goodness. You have to be kidding me. Don’t worry, they’ll call your name next time. My clients have won Oscars nine out of the last ten years. Nine out of ten? If you were an airline and landed nine out of ten planes, you wouldn’t exactly brag about that in your commercial. Everyone loves Secretariat. Your time will come. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tell A.O. Scott how great you are. Hey, yo, Scott! Hey, Diane. – Diane, Diane, Diane. – I’m doing my job, BoJack. Young people and their phones. There could be a beautiful rainbow in this room right now and you would have no idea. Really makes you think, huh? Can you look at rainbows on your phone? Shut up, BoJack. Shit. I just tweeted “Shut up, BoJack,” as Cynthia Nixon. I’d buy it. She is not a fan, and for good reason. We were up in the Poconos, she and I BoJack, not now. – What’s up your butt tonight? – You really wanna know? I would seriously like to know what crawled up your butt, made a home for itself in your butt, started a family, lived a fruitful life, and then died up your butt. I’m getting an abortion. Whoa, that takes me back. I had more than my share of abortions in the ‘90s. I didn’t get them, I paid for them. I really hope all those women actually got the abortions, and didn’t just keep my money. Diane, are you tweeting for pop starlet Sextina Aquafina right now? I’m trying to. Why? Because her account just tweeted out to 40 million followers, “I’m getting an abortion.” What? No She Oh, balls. The tweet heard round the world. Sextina Aquafina says, “I’m getting an abortion.” And the world says, “Whaaa?” If it’s happening, we’re gonna talk about it. It’s time for Tom’s Rant. Is Twitter an appropriate forum to be discussing a sensitive issue like abortion? Wouldn’t a better forum be nowhere? Wait, does that say “Tom Srant”? Why does that say Tom Srant? I clearly said Randy, don’t look at Jessica. This is on you. Diane, VIM is hanging on by a thread and only barely scraping by because of clients like Sextina. Hey! Heard you pulled the trigger on the Big Bear condo. Great investment. We are not on the edge of complete ruin. We are on the edge of complete ruin. I think if I explain it to her and apologize, she’ll understand. Because she’s so understanding? This is a teenage pop star. Literally the two least compassionate entities combined into the supernova of not understanding that is Sextina Aquafina. Ugh. So imagine my surprise when I’m in the middle of a performance for Gaddafi’s cousin on his yacht and I’m in a giant champagne flute singing “Left Titty” and everyone starts to look at their phones and look at me, because I am apparently aborting a baby I do not have. So I had them turn their boat into a car and drive me here to fire someone. – I think that’s me. – Great. You’re fired, Glasses. I’ll put out a statement explaining the whole mess. I am so sorry. Oh. Oh! What “oh?” Who said you could “Oh?” Taylor Swift just tweeted that you were “brave.” Nicki Minaj tweeted at you a face with heart eyes. And BuzzFeed just posted a list of top 15 celebrities who should have had abortions like Sextina. – You’re trending like crazy. – I’m trending? Most women who go through this never talk about it because it’s so stigmatized. The fact that you’re coming out like this is huge. It would be, if you were actually getting an abortion. So what you’re saying is, maybe I am getting an abortion? Well, no, because you’re not. Yeah, but if you did, this would make you a cultural icon. Glasses, you’re un-fired. I’m getting an abortion. – Well – I gotta go on talk shows. If I can make one woman feel a little less alone, then it’s all worth it, right? Yeah And if I can make a million women buy my album, then it’s definitely all worth it. Um – Diane, take the yes. – Okay. Sextina Aquafina, you are now the face of the pro-choice movement. – Now let’s get you informed. – Hey! Uh, what? So, before the procedure, you’ll need to look at an ultrasound and listen to the heartbeat. Or heartbeats, if you’re having a litter. Why does she have to listen to the heartbeat? It’s the law. Also, by law, I have to tell you that at one month, your puppies have a favorite color and that color may be blue. – That can’t be true. – By law, I have to tell you that. Also, before your procedure, you’ll need to watch 20 hours of cute puppy videos as Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” plays softly. Don’t worry, Diane, I will watch the cute puppy videos for you. – It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. – No, she has to watch the videos. Don’t worry, Diane, we will watch the cute puppy videos together. – No, she has to watch them alone. – Diane, I have some terrible news. Tomorrow, our exclusive interview with the irrepressible provocateuse Sextina Aquafina. But first, one thing that isn’t the road to Oscar. Tonight, the Leonard Maltin Awards. Handing out trophies to all the performances this year that Leonard Maltin thought were pretty good. And the Malty for Pretty Good Actor goes to Bread Poot. Whoo! You need another drink? Why? Because I lost, I’m a loser, so I have to drown my sorrows in scotch? No, I just meant because of thirst. I could use a scotch. Oh, look. Jurj Clooners. There he is, Jurj Clooners. Hey, how are you? Thank you. Jurj sucks. What does everyone love about him? He’s not a god. He’s just an old guy who loves pranks. Sure sounds like God. – Jurj, hey, man. – BoJack, right? Yeah, good to see you. Hey, Jurj, my name’s Todd, and my friend Keith sleeps on your couch. Oh, you know Keith? Tell him to clean up his shit. Oh. That is so Keith. Todd, why don’t you do the grown-ups a favor and go find your own shadow? It was here a second ago. Jurj, I loved you in The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee. How do you get in the head of a war criminal? You know, I don’t think of him as a war criminal. I just think of him as a person who had a funny accent. Totally. I think I’m getting the hang of all this now. You won last night, the other guy won tonight, maybe I’ll win next time. Yikes. Look, man, you’re not gonna be next. This will sound dumb coming out of my mouth, but it’s true. So Jurj, Bread, Mitt, those are names. Like real names. Lernernerner DiCarpricorn, that’s a name. – BoJack, not a name. – Huh. I figured they would, like, tell you this stuff. You’re the Fifth Man. You get it, right? – Well – Yeah, you get it. Put her there. Oh! Joy buzzer. You just got Jurjed! All right, I’ll see you later. Vivica. Now I know why they call you A. Fox. Excuse me, you gonna stay here long? We got the OCD Image Awards tomorrow, and those guys really like a clean afterparty. So, let me get this straight, Sextina. Someone put a baby in your belly and now you’re like, “Awooga! Is there an undo button around here? Leggo my preggo.” – Is that right? – That is exactly correct, A Ryan, but I am very excited for this opportunity to put a face on this important issue. One out of three women will have an abortion in her life. That sounds crazy high to me, I don’t buy it. I wanted to destigmatize the experience for all women out there, so I’m dropping a new single. – What? – Surprise! – New single? – Just relax. Crack an egg on your head, feel the yolk drip down. America, get your uteruses turnt, ’cause this song is called “Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus.” Oh, dear. I’m a baby killer Baby killing makes me horny Alien’s inside me I’m gonna squash it like Sigourney No, stop. Get that fetus, kill that fetus Brrap brrap pew pew Christ, stop the tape. Glasses, you did this. You empowered me to tell my story. I think the tone might be a little severe? Look, when you get an abortion, you can express yourself however you want, but this is about my body and my choices, and my choice is to be a totally insane badass. Ugh! I am getting an abortion. You’re not even really pregnant. So? This is show business. “Brrap brrap. Pew pew.” “Brrap brrap. Pew pew.” A daring battle cry from the self-appointed New Voice of Choice. But has the concept of women having choices gone too far? We’ve assembled this diverse panel of white men in bow ties to talk about abortion. Gentlemen? Tom, this is not just a woman’s issue. I’m a man, but if I got pregnant, would I put my life on hold for a child I didn’t want? Yes, I would. I can say that with confidence, because I will never have to make that decision, so I’m unbiased. – Does this video glamorize abortion? – Very possibly, Tom. Millennials today think everything is NBD. NBD of course stands for No BD, referring to B.D. Wong, who teens think is a very big deal. So if something’s not BD, it means it’s not a big deal. – These days, abortions are not BD. – Are abortions even necessary? I heard a theory that if a woman really has an unwanted pregnancy, the body has a way to break the fetus down into gas particles and then she can just fart it out. Where did you hear this intriguing “fart it out” theory? – I don’t remember. Maybe the Bible? – Thank you for clarifying. Next up, Jurj Clooners is making audiences cry in his new film, but his latest prank might make you think? Jurj. He likes pranks, huh? I’ll prank him. I’ll prank him real good. We’ll need to draw him out. What do A-list actors like? Stretch limos? Nannies? Flying their private jets to disaster areas so they can “help out”? Yeah, limos. We’ll get a limo. I’ll need one of those caps, I’ll be the driver. I’ll pick him up, and he’ll be all like, “I’m Jurj, I suck,” and then I’ll be all, “Surprise,” and hit him with a bat. Pranked! It really doesn’t seem like a prank as much as you hitting him with a bat. Yeah, it’s a bad prank on purpose to show how stupid pranks are. – That’s the point. – Is that the point? I’m working on levels here, man. To the limousine repository. Good afternoon, Mr. Clooners. Hey, man, just one sec, my publicist is right behind me. Of course. Bring the publicist. – Oh, shit. – What’s that, driver? I said, “Auschwitz.” You’re the Nazi who played Yahtzee. Right, well, anyway, we’re going to the AOL-Time-Warner-PepsiCo-Viacom Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota-Trader Joe’s Auditorium for the Image Choice Spirit Awards. Uh okay, yes, ma’am. Here I go. Driving, driving. You don’t need to talk, you can just drive. Actually, can we make a couple stops? I am totally out of toilet paper, so if you could find a Rite Aid. You have to go in and buy the TP for me. I’ll get mobbed by fans if I go in. Just pick out something extra soft for my tushy. – I don’t know – Do as he says, driver. – Chop chop. – Okay. My concern is that you’re actually giving the pro-life movement something to latch onto as an example of Oh, my God, you are so boring. Can I abort talking to you right now? Abort. – You need to stop and think – Or what? You gonna sic Fido on me? I am just here for emotional support. Can you let it go? I don’t want to have to ask you again. I really think we have the chance to say something here, and all we’re saying is “Pshew pshew pow.” – What is that? – What are you doing? That’s the gun sounds, from the song. Uh. Do you mean, “Brrap brrap pew pew”? Yeah, that’s what I did. “Pshow, kapow.” – That’s not what a gun sounds like. – Prrow! – Pshow, kapow! – Bop! – Brrap brrap pew pew! – Ppew, ping! Can everyone please stop making gun sounds? It is really freaking me out. My point is, everyone’s listening to you now. Soon people are gonna get bored and move onto the next thing and you’ll hate yourself that you weren’t able to make a difference when you had the chance. Believe me, it happens sooner than you think. Oh Hi. I’m A Ryan Sea Okay, we’re here, finally. Get out. Ooh, can we make one more stop? I just remembered we left my wife back at the house. Can we go back? Pwease? Driver? The man said, “Pwease.” That’s it. Enough. I am not your driver. It is I, BoJack. BoJack? What are you doing? I was gonna prank Jurj by hitting him with this bat, but you got into the car because, apparently, you are a two-timing liar. What’s the thing with the bat? BoJack, this is not a good look on you. All this time, I thought you believed in me. This is why your clients win every year. You represent everyone. It has nothing to do with whether you’re a good publicist or not. I am a marvelous publicist. Not to me. You’re doing great work for this asshole who loves pranks. You’re pranking him right now. Yeah, with a bad prank to show how stupid pranks are. Seems a little convoluted, which is actually a trademark of a great prank. Well played, sir. No, it’s a bad prank. That’s my point. Pranks are dumb. We’re late, and I won’t keep going round and round with you on this. Publicists have many clients. Not my publicist. You’re fired. Are you kidding? Who fires Ana Spanakopita? I do. I just did. Who’s gonna set up your press appearances? Your hopeless agent? Your idiot sidekick? Not your problem. Get the hell out of my limo. ’Cause I gotta pick up a bachelorette party in 30 minutes. Sextina, welcome to the program. Can I get a “pew pew” for the fans? – Tom, abortion is a very serious subject. – Yes, very serious, I agree. I want to tell the real story about abortion, show America what it’s really about, which is why your girl Sextina Aquafina is gonna have her abortion live on television. What what? Pay-per-view, chitches. – What? – What? “Pay-per-view, chitches.” Brrap brrap, pew pew, ka-ching ka-ching. How are you going to have an abortion on live TV when you’re not even really having an abortion? – Duh, we’ll just Argo that shit. – What does that mean? Yeah, yeah. Fake abortion. Movie magic, like in Argo. That is not what happened in Argo. If we’re gonna do this, we got to be real tasteful. Yeah, only the best for my abortion. All class. John Carpenter can do the practical effects. – He owes me a favor. – What? We’ll book Eddie Redmayne as the fetus. Are you hearing yourselves? We’re not going to fake an abortion on live TV. Obviously, we’ll pre-tape it. Then put a little box in the corner of the screen that says “Live.” You don’t think this is incredibly disrespectful to the women who actually get abortions? Not if we do it tasteful. Diane, this is what the client wants. Stop making it about you. I’m not making it about me. – I am so tired of you creating problems. – I’m not I’m sorry you’re so fertile and in a sexually active, loving relationship and now you don’t want a family. – I’m sure that’s really hard for you. – What? Uh if this is not about me anymore, then I’mma go. Y’all figure your shit out and get back at me. Where’s that ZZ Top mofo at? Can a chitch get a parking validation or what? Is there something you want to say to me? I have given everything to get where I am, and I am not about to throw all that away. She wants an abortion? I’m getting her an abortion. – You know this is bullshit. – It’s all bullshit, Diane. That’s the gig. And you’re not good enough at this job to be too good for this job. I won’t be a part of this. Yo, Beardo, where did you go? I need to get my parking validation did, or I cannot leave. Y’all’s trippin’ if you think Sextina Aquafina is paying$15 for parking. All right, new publicist. What do you got for me?
Secretariat was an athlete, right? And you used to be an athlete. What?
No, I didn’t. You didn’t play baseball and football? Oh, um You know, I
think I Googled the wrong guy. – Did you think I was Bo Jackson? – This
idea I know you’re going to like. You know that car wash on Alvarado?
They need someone to dress up like a gorilla and spin a sign. Why would
I do that? Anything that gets your face out there, right? How does it
get my face out there dressed like a gorilla? Maybe that one’s a dud,
but hey, you think Lou Bega knocked it out of the park with “Mambo
Number One”? No, but he kept at it. I’m making things all about me? I’m
the one who’s having an abortion. – It’s ridiculous. – They’re
completely morally bankrupt. I agree with you, 247 percent. I just wrote
“morally bankrupt” on this form. You were right to do that. This form is
being very nosy right now. Why did I even take that job? You were going
through a rough time, Princess Carolyn wanted to help you and she
offered you the job. Which she should not have done. So morally
bankrupt. Okay, yeah, that was nice. But still, she is putting her
company’s bottom line before the very real damage that bottle-nosed
maniac is doing every time she gets on the news and That’s it, the news.
I gotta take the high road, go on the news and rat those suckers out. Is
that really a good idea? It is if you think it is, because I am here to
support you no matter what, but maybe it isn’t the best idea? Like, if
that idea were a Dillon brother maybe it’s a Kevin, not a Matt? Someone
has to tell the world that Sextina is a total fraud. You know Sextina
Aquafina? – Oh. Yeah, I mean, I work with her. – Oh. She is so cool.
Sextina’s music makes me feel strong, like I can do anything. It doesn’t
offend you? What about the part where she says, “I hope and pray to God
my little fetus has a soul ’cause I want it to feel pain when I eject it
from my hole”? It’s a joke. You get that it’s a joke, right? Well,
obviously. Do you think she actually wants to shoot her fetus with a
gun? – No, I get it. – Getting an abortion is scary. With all the
protesters out front, how you have to listen to the heartbeat and all
that. When you can joke about it, it makes it less scary, you know?
Yeah. Diane? Ana? I won’t be working with Jurj anymore. I let him know
this morning. First he thought I was doing a really good prank, but
eventually I think he understood. You dropped Jurj? Jurj Clooners?
Sexiest Man in America Jurj Clooners? Jurj is easy. Everyone loves him.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Publicist, it’s time to put that to use. I
dropped all my other clients. You’re the underdog. I want to put all my
attention on you and get you that Oscar. So nobody else, huh? Good. Just
all your hopes and dreams pinned on me. Somehow beating the odds and
winning the highest possible accolade in an actor’s career. – I know we
can do it. – Just me, huh? Wow, that’s actually. That Is someone
standing on my windpipe? Let’s just get Jurj on the phone so we No,
BoJack. I believe in you, okay? Okay. Whoa, Ana, what are you? – Oh,
boy. – Shh It’s okay. – When you fired me, it was thrilling. – Oh. Ana
Nobody talks to me like that. It reminded me that I work for you, and I
liked that. Okay, but Do you like that? Being in control? Being the
star? Yes. You’re my star, BoJack. My shining star. – But don’t you ever
– Ow, too tight. – try to screw me again. – Ouch! Oh, please. – Do you
understand? – Yes. God, yes. Good. I’ll see you tomorrow bright and
early. You have my undivided attention now. Uh How are you feeling,
Sextina? A little queasy but on the whole, wonderful. Good. Now, I do
accept tips. – That was surprisingly tasteful. – And educational, right?
Yeah. Weirdly educational. I actually learned a lot about abortion, and
I just had an abortion. – How are you feeling? – I feel shitty. I mean,
physically. I’m glad I did it, but mostly I just felt old. There were
all these teenagers there. Twenty-somethings. I know from the outside,
it might seem like I should be ready for kids, but I can’t Diane, you
don’t need to explain anything to anyone. – Sextina. Great job, we did
it. – Yeah, so, little wrinkle. I’ve been having a lot of sex, you know,
’cause I’m a sexual creature and dolphins do have sex for pleasure. I
just found out I got knocked up for real. – What? – And I think I want
to keep it. But that might be a little confusing to my fans, since they
just saw me get the old scoopity doopity? Okay, we’re gonna handle this.
Meet us at the office in 20 minutes. First thing is we gotta get her out
of town before she starts to show. Yeah, we’ll send her to that farm
where celebrities go to disappear, where Chad Michael Murray and Thora
Birch went. Film a bunch of music videos now, and then Release them over
the next year so it seems like she’s still around. Then when she comes
back, we’ll say she adopted a baby. People are going to love that. Yeah.
Everyone loves a baby. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman
(2014)
3 7 Stop the Presses 1 [groaning.] [mumbling.] [gagging.] – [voices
overlapping.] – [groaning.] Guys, I think we could use another phone
jack over here. [phone ringing.] Cabracadabra. We wanna reach out and
grab you. – No, we’re a cab company. – Can you toss me the thing?
[grunting.] – Sorry. The other thing. – [Todd.] Okay. Watch the
couch. Hey. Goddammit! – [yelling.] – I apologize for I understand.
Mind if I put you on hold one second? Don’t put me on hold. Do you know
who I am? I just won a Baby’s Choice Award, the winner of which has gone
to take home the Oscar seven of the last 15 years. So, yeah, that BoJack
Horseman. Otherwise known as the guy you keep sending your dumb
newspaper to even though I never subscribed to it. I’m putting you on
hold. – [muttering.] – [buzzing.] – We have a situation, sir. – Talk
to me. Guy’s name is BoJack Horseman. He’s pretty steamed. I’ve tried
everything, but we might need to bring the Closer in on this one. Calm
down. We can sort this out without having to get the Closer involved.
Did you offer 26 weeks at 50 percent off the newsstand price? I went
through the entire checklist, sir. Even offered him a free tote bag.
What kind of monster says no to a tote bag? Good work, rep. You’ve done
all that could be expected of you. I’ll take it from here. Yeah, Got it.
Right. I understand. I’ll take it from here. God help us Is what I’d say
if we needed God’s help. Fortunately, we got one better. Morning. Good
morning. How was your weekend? How are you? Good work yesterday. Get out
of my way, please. [sighing.] We have a situation on line two. Name’s
Horseman. BoJack Horseman. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. Hello,
good morning, and I say this with 100 percent sincerity How can I help
you? [funky electronic music.] I never subscribed to the L.A. Gazette.
I do not read the L.A. Gazette. I have called this number so many times
to stop sending it to me. Yet every morning, I open my door on a new
edition of the L.A. Gazette. It’s like I’m in a boring episode of The
Twilight Zone. Sir, we are going to unravel this mystery. But before we
dig in, is there anything I can get you? A glass of ice water perhaps?
Yeah, sure, I’d love a glass of ice water. Fabulous. Johnny will get
that to you in three, two, one – [drone whirring.] – Uh huh. I see
you’ve been receiving our paper for six months, but there’s no record of
you ever registering a complaint. From whence the hostility, counselor?
It wasn’t a problem until recently, because up until a week ago the boy
who lives with me used the paper to make a giant paper-mÃ¢chÃ© Todd
head. – What was that? – I live with my best friend, Todd. Good kid, but
sometimes he gets ideas to do things. [groaning, screaming.] – Pretty
scary, right? – Yes. What the hell is that? Giant Todd Head, of course.
I’ve been working on him for the last six months. What? Why? It all
started when a rustling from the kitchen jostled me from tender slumber.
– [blinds rattling.] – [panting.] Uh What was that? [gasping.] If
there’s a ghost present, please do not scream or have a skull face or be
wearing a tattered white satin gown. [gasping.] Someone or something
would you stop eating my food? You should take this seriously. We might
have an infestation. We do have an infestation, of Todds. Look at that,
they’re getting bigger. And? Did the head help to ameliorate your pest
peccadillo? No. Todd abandoned the project as soon as he started working
on Cabracadabra. – What’s Cabracadabra? – That’s what I said. – What’s
Cabracadabra? – That’s what I said. – What’s Cabracadabra? – That’s what
we want you to say. If I didn’t know any better, you were about to pitch
an idea. – We are about to pitch you an idea. – I did not know better.
Has this ever happened to you? Hey, where you headed? Oh, yes. That
happens to me all the time. – We’re not at the main part yet. – I’m so
sorry. Please continue. – To the opera, good sir. – Okay. Am I watching
to see if the whole thing has happened to me? – Or looking for one
specific thing? – Kind of both. So I just keep watching until I see
something that has happened to me? – Yes. – What if we get to the end,
none of it has ever happened to me? Maybe just try to put yourself in
Emily’s shoes right now. Got it. Sorry for the interruption. Please
continue. – So, is this where you live? – Yes, it is. – Alone or are you
in a relationship? – This hardly seems appropriate. Driver, you’re
starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, Todd. What are you doing?
Has a creepy driver ever given you his number or told you that you
like he was trying to memorize it? – No, never. – Unfortunately, if you
are a woman all those things would happen to you every day. That’s
right, Todd. According to my own research, nine out of ten men are total
dirtbag creeps, just the worst. But what if there was a ride-share
service that could guarantee no creepy men drivers because there are no
men drivers at all? What are you saying, robot drivers? What if they
become sentient and try to murder us, or unionize? That could be a real
headache. No, not murderous robots. Women. Todd, you have done it again.
Actually, Emily and I came up with it together. Todd and Emily, you’ve
done it again for the first time. And that’s why we’re setting up shop
at your house. Why does it have to be my house? There’s no room at
Mr. Peanutbutter’s house. It’s full of spaghetti strainers. – Why? – Who
can recall? I figure the longer they’re there, the bigger the payoff.
And they’ve been sitting there for months now. So you can bet the
payoff’s going to be pretty huge. [The Closer.] So, why did you let
them use your house? Hey, Todd, where do you want this? [both.] Uh –
[BoJack.] I felt guilty. – [The Closer.] About what? [BoJack.]
Todd had this old girlfriend. I met her a couple weeks back. – Hey. –
Hey. – What are you still doing up? – I got thirsty. Then you came to
the right place. Should we call Todd, see if he wants to join us? I’m
tired of trying to figure out what Todd wants. And what do you want? –
I’ll start with a whiskey. – My kind of girl. – So then we had sex. –
What? Why? I was lonely? She was there? Why does anyone have sex with
anyone? Intimacy, affection, a deep need to connect to the world at
large. The same reasons three million people subscribe to the L.A.
Gazette. – What? – I’m getting ahead of myself. Please, continue your
story. [exhaling.] – You should go. – Yeah. That was a mistake.
Agreed. A wonderful, sexy mistake for you and a regular mistake for me.
No, it was a regular mistake for me, too. – What are we gonna tell Todd?
– Nothing, obviously. – I don’t want to hurt him. – Neither do I. –
That’s why we won’t tell him. – I feel like we should tell him. That
feeling is you selfishly trying to assuage your guilt. If you cared
about Todd, you would keep this a secret forever. I’m not good at lying.
Ask me if when I was a little girl, did I ever used to put a stuffed
animal in my underpants and rock back and forth on it. When you were a
little girl, did you ever do that thing you said? What? Get
[stammers.] No! I think it’s gonna be fine. Why would it even come up?
Not like there’s any reason the three of us would ever be in a room
together again. BoJack, you remember Emily, right? – I’ve never seen you
before in my life. – No. – You don’t remember BoJack? – Oh, yeah.
BoJack. What why What are you here? Why are you doing at Todd’s house?
Todd’s house? This is my house. It’s cool if we set up shop here, right?
That’s not gonna be weird? What? Why would that be weird? – What are you
implying? – Nothing. It’s not weird for me either, if we’re keeping
track of weirdnesses. – Okay, what is going on here? – Why would you? I
don’t even – Literally nothing going on. – No, something’s going on.
I’ve got a nose for news. In this case, Nu is the Greek letter
representing the variable for “What Is Going On?” So let’s solve for Nu,
shall we? I think someone’s not saying something to someone else about
something. – That’s crazy. – I know what it is. Cabracadabra’s going to
be huge. No one wants to say it out loud because we’re afraid we’ll jinx
it. Yeah. That is exactly what it is. Yes. Your stupid business is gonna
be very successful. – Yes. – Glad that’s out in the open. We all know
what everyone was thinking, we don’t need to ask any more questions or
do any wondering about mysteries. Nope. If you’ll excuse me, I need to
go watch a sport. Great idea. The worst part is things have actually
been going really well with Todd. Our friendship is in a really good
place. Last week he said, “Did you know the wiener dog is neither a
wiener nor a dog?” Instead of saying, “Shut up, Todd,” I said, “Okay.”
[The Closer.] So, why did you sleep with Emily? Do you think that part
of you was getting uncomfortable with that closeness? You felt like you
didn’t deserve Todd’s friendship and you wanted to somehow externalize
that feeling into action? No, man, I think I’m just a dumb asshole.
Can’t it just be that? When you do bad things, you have something you
can point to when people eventually leave you. It’s not you, you tell
yourself, it’s that bad thing you did. Do you often keep people at arm’s
length? Are you afraid of being known and knowing others? Yeah, you
know, I think that you’re definitely hitting on something real that I
would love to drill down into, but I gotta go to this marketing meeting
now. Which is so annoying because I totally want to keep talking about
that thing you’re talking about. But marketing meetings, right? I mean,
they’re so important. Can I call you back tomorrow? – Of course. –
Great. Bye. – So, how was your marketing meeting? – Weird. – Sorry I’m
late. – It’s fine. We’re just getting started. I had the worst morning.
Hanging on every word. Don’t tell us. So I drove here, right? I’m
sitting at the entrance to the garage when I realize I don’t have my key
card. I gotta drive all the way home to get it. When I got there, I
couldn’t find it anywhere. Suddenly, I remember, I put it in the glove
compartment. It was in my car the entire time. Okay. Because I was
driving back and forth so much, I ran out of gas. I pulled into a 76. I
was about to pump the gas, I realized I didn’t have my credit card, when
I remembered it was on my desk at home because I used it to contribute
to my friend’s dumb Kickstarter campaign. Diane Have you donated to
Virginia’s dumb Kickstarter yet? – Oh, shit. – Throw her 50 bucks. You
can afford it. Yeah, but I don’t like feeling like I have to, Roxy. Does
the world need a stop-motion short film about a pig who goes to circus
school? Think of it like you’re doing a nice thing for your friend. Mmm
okay. I called a cab to take me home to get my credit card. Then back to
the gas station, get my car, fill it up and come here. So that’s why I’m
late. – Why did you tell us that whole story? – I don’t know. – Why did
you tell me that whole story? – I don’t know. Anyway, I had the ad
agency whip up some options for the new Secretariat ads. Good news is
the movie is killing out there. Everyone loves it. If everyone loves it,
why do we need a new ad campaign? These are the “For Your Consideration”
ads. They’re a reminder to the Academy, “Have you considered this yet?”
The Academy doesn’t always consider everything. So they need constant
consideration reminders. – That’s very considerate. – This one tested
the best. That’s a good one. The rest of these suck. Dumb. Dumb. Stupid.
Offensive. Ugly. Boring. Typical. Stupid. Bad. Hideous. Disgusting.
Gross. ClichÃ©. – I am really good at this. – Huh. – I kind of like this
one. – How’d that piece of crap get in there? We ruled that one out.
It’s actually really powerful. [The Closer.] What spoke to you about
that particular ad? [BoJack.] I don’t know. All the pictures of me,
they looked backwards. When I looked at the mirror ad, I was seeing me
as I see myself and I thought there was something beautiful about that.
Intimate, almost. Of course you like this ad. When you look at it you
see Secretariat, I see an old turtle. “Hello, old turtle. Are you
Secretariat? No? You’re just some old turtle? What the hell? You’ve aged
terribly.” But you’ve got the heart of a champion. I got a team of
cardiologists at Cedars who say different. Isn’t that the point of the
movie, that anybody could be Secretariat? The point of the movie is to
make a lot of money and win awards. If anyone who looks at this ad is
Secretariat, why should you win the Oscar? He’s right, BoJack. Why don’t
you leave this to the experts, okay? – Yes. You’re a star. –
[BoJack.] Yeah, couple times. We have a very complicated relationship.
It’s complicated. If our relationship was a Meryl Streep movie, it would
be Doubt. Don’t forget, you have Ellen tomorrow. Don’t wear that sweater
I hate. Yes. You’re in charge. Okay, you know, I gotta say I don’t feel
like I’m in charge. If you’re gonna throw a tantrum, forget the whole
thing. I’m not throwing a tantrum Why are we having sex in my car? – Can
we at least go back to your place? – No, BoJack. I don’t know where you
live. You control every part of my life, I don’t know anything about
you. [scoffs.] – You don’t want to know me, BoJack. – No, I do. – I
want to be known and know others. – You don’t. I know you and I know
what you want. This is exactly what you want. [The Closer.] What do
you think she meant by that? Better question, why am I still getting the
L.A. Gazette? Do you think getting the paper every day is a reminder of
the old girlfriend you spent an intimate night with? Could that be why
you want to cancel your subscription? No. I want to cancel my
subscription because newspapers are dumb. I feel I’m very clear on this
point. Every morning, someone knocks on my door and says, “Throw away
this garbage for me.” So you don’t feel any guilt about your tryst with
Emily? Well, I have had trouble sleeping. [Emily and Todd laughing.] –
[Todd.] You’re silly. – [Emily.] No, you’re silly. Oh, God. – Okay,
your turn, truth or dare. – Truth. What is the worst recent thing you
did to someone who cared about you? – The worst thing? Or the most
recent? – Both. Can you keep it down, please? Some people are trying to
sleep. – We are keeping it down. – We’ve been really quiet. – You’re
basically shouting. – Sorry. – Do you want me to whisper? Like this? –
Yeah, we can be real whispery. No, because then I’ll hear the “psst,
psst, psst.” And I’ll be up all night wondering what you’re talking
about. – Uh, what would we be talking about? – Yeah, BoJack. What would
we be talking about? I don’t know. Dumb stuff. Forget it. Can’t sleep
here. I’m gonna go sleep in my boat. [sighing.] – Freeze, candy ass. –
[gasping.] – Character Actress Margo Mart? – I said, “Freeze.” [The
Closer.] Hold on. Are you telling me esteemed character actress and
fugitive from the law Margo Martindale has been living in your boat? Is
this one of those situations where everything we discuss is
confidential, due to customer service rep-client privilege? Of course.
Then yes, Margo Martindale is living in my boat. How long have you been
in here? Well, after the incident in Yorba Linda. [yelling.] –
[moaning.] – Eh Well, Margo, old gal, looks like you’ve bought
yourself another day of freedom. But at what cost? I knew I had to lay
low. Go off the grid, disappear. I know what “lay low” means. So, I
disappeared for a little bit. Mm-hmm. Somewhere I knew I had no chance
of being discovered regional theater. I did a run at the La Jolla
Playhouse in an obscure Tennessee Williams play. I have ambition, sir.
Dreams that don’t incorporate the concerns of cynics like you. Cynic.
Always laughing that terrible laugh. – Ramona – Well, go ahead and
laugh. Laugh your life away. I can laugh, too. [laughing.] Ramona, I’m
telling you [wailing.] She’s dead. [applause.] I was good. Too good.
The San Diego Union-Tribune called me, “A talent to watch.” I knew I had
to get out of there. And you’ve been living here ever since? That’s
right. I also did an arc on The Good Wife. – Other than that, laying
low. – The Good Wife? How did you go on a nationally broadcast TV show
with no one catching you? I disappeared into the role, BoJack. It’s
called acting. Try it sometime. And you’re the one who’s been stealing
our food. You already know too much. Smoke bomb. Hi-yah! – Why did you
throw a plum on the floor? – Thought it was a smoke bomb. Where are my
smoke bombs? I’m gonna go sleep by the pool. – Hey. BoJack’s back. –
Yup. My two favorite people in a room together with me. – You bet. –
Isn’t this great, BoJack? – The three of us under one roof? – Yeah. It’s
like Three Men and a Baby. But there’s only two men, and the baby’s a
lady. – [laughing.] – Uh-huh. [yawning.] [chattering.]
[sighing.] [The Closer.] With all this turmoil and upheaval, sure
would be nice to have something you can depend on. Something that
arrives every day at your doorstep, with a robust arts section. Let me
tell you something about the L.A. Gazette. I don’t think you finished
the story about your publicist. What happened when you told her you
wanted to know her? Oh, right. Well If we’re gonna work together and
also have weird kinky car sex, I wanna know something about you. What do
you wanna know? I was married once. I have a son I’m not allowed to see.
– My favorite fruit is honeydew. – Gross, is that true? Does it matter?
Listen, I’ve been with guys like you before, and I know this thing works
better if we keep a little distance. And [grunting.] [groaning.]
Well, that worked. Okay, we’re done. I’ll see you tomorrow. [The
Closer.] So, that’s how you left things? [BoJack.] That’s how she
left things. But then I followed her home. [The Closer.] You did what?
[BoJack.] She lives in this tiny apartment in the Valley. I could see
her through the window and I just watched her being normal. Oh!
[sighing.] [The Closer.] There’s something very intimate about
watching a person be herself. [BoJack.] But it wasn’t good intimate,
writes a poem about Lena Horne’s nipples, makes you read it out loud so
he can hear if it scans. [The Closer.] She warned you that you
wouldn’t want to know her. [BoJack.] Yeah. She was right. It’s so sad
that when you see someone as they really are, it ruins them. – Do you
have someone you can talk to? – About what? These feelings you have,
psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer is just
one, but the light bulb has to want to change? – I don’t know that joke.
– That’s it. That’s the whole joke. The light bulb has to want to
change. [laughing.] Yeah. Psychiatrists are idiots. That’s actually
not the point of the joke. – Hey. I need to talk to you. – What the I’m
on the phone. I got nominated for the Craig Noel Award from the San
Diego Theatre Critics Circle. Oh, it’s too much heat. I’m taking your
boat out to international waters. You never saw me. On the phone. I
don’t want to talk to anybody. What I want is to have control over my
own life. [engine starting.] Which is why I’m begging you to please
cancel my delivery of the L.A. Gazette. – I don’t think you want to do
that. – I promise you I do. No, because that’s just theater. It allows
you to think you’re in control, but the whole idea of control is a myth.
The universe is a wild beast. You can’t tame it. All you can do is try
to live inside it. Live inside the beast? That’s a mixed metaphor. – But
you’re right. – Great. I’m going to sign you up for another six months.
Since you’ve been such a sport, I’m throwing in a tote bag. Thanks.
You’ve given me a lot to think about. Okay, so I’m a passenger. Remember
the three D’s: drive safely, drive efficiently, and don’t harass the
passenger. – Todd, can I talk to you for a second? – Sure. Driver, pull
over, please. – [imitating car braking.] – [imitating opening door.]
– Can I talk to you alone? – Of course. Driver, put up the partition,
please. [imitating partition whirring.] I’ve been thinking, and you
should do this without me. What? But the whole point is we’re doing it
together. But you don’t need me anymore. You have a whole team of
coders, and I don’t think that I can work in this house. – What’s wrong
with the house? – Todd, I just – I need to go. – [imitating opening
door.] I don’t understand. Did I do something to make you feel
uncomfortable? No. You are great. It’s me and BoJack. BoJack?
[sighing.] What did he do this time? I don’t think I’ve been a very
good friend to you. Things happened and I don’t think BoJack’s been a
very good friend to you either. – Oh, okay. – You should buy me out of
the company. No, no, no, keep your share. Who knows? It might be worth
something someday. You’re sweet, Todd. You shouldn’t waste that on
people who don’t deserve it. Hey, you want this plum? I found it in the
kitchen. Sure. – [smoke bomb fizzing.] – [both.] Whoa! [coughing.]
Weird plum. [knocking on door.] How did you know where I live? – Ana –
You need to leave. No, I know that it’s exciting to remain mysterious
and in control, but control is a myth. That’s a conclusion I came to
recently by myself. I can’t do this now. I don’t want to go home
tonight. I want to sleep in your bed, I wanna see what you look like
waking up. You are a beautiful, sexy, fascinating, terrifying woman. And
I want to know you. I’m not afraid of that. And you don’t have to be,
either. Okay. And I want to go with the mirror ads for Secretariat. –
BoJack, no, listen. – Ana. This is my campaign, I know what I’m doing.
Call up Turteltaub and tell him I won’t be pushed around on this. I’m
the star and what I say goes. Okay. [cars honking.] [Ana.] Hmm
[Carolyn.] It kind of just looks like a billboard for the sky. – I
didn’t think this part through. – No kidding. The sky is Secretariat?
The sky wants you to nominate it for an Oscar? It is eerily beautiful.
Like an art piece that resists interpretation. Oh, good. Yeah. Wouldn’t
want the ad for my movie to be interpretable. If you stand where I’m
standing, you see a reflection of the KIIS-FM billboard. Beautiful. So
we spent half a million dollars on an Oscar campaign for KIIS-FM. I’d
hate to drive here at rush hour. When the sun goes down and hits that
billboard, that’s gonna That’s gonna be a real problem. Well, the good
news is BoJack got what he wanted. – [sighing.] – [bird screeching.]
[all gasping.] Ugh. Back in the ’90s I was in a very famous TV show –
I’m BoJack the Horseman – BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don’t act like you
don’t know Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
3 8 Old Acquaintance When you two first came into my office, I was like,
“This marriage is not going to last.” But you’ve really put the work in.
I deem your marriage fixed. Thanks, Dr. Janet. We couldn’t have done
this without you and your many novelty certificates. Well, this has
certainly been a big year for the Rabitowitz marriage. It certainly has.
But now it’s New Year’s Eve and, Katie, my New Year’s resolution to you
is to spend more time with my wonderful wife, who I I gotta take this. –
Oh, um, but – Hello. Hey, partner, big news. Huge news. I’m all ears.
The Flight of the Pegasus just lost their lead. They start shooting next
week. So what you’re telling me is David Pincher needs a new star
immediately for his three-picture young adult dystopian future
franchise? Yup. What’s that I hear? Beep beep. Someone’s calling on the
other line. That’s strange. Hello? It’s Oodles of Money calling. Will we
accept the charges? Why would Oodles of Money be calling collect? I
don’t know. Don’t accept the charges, we cannot afford it. I gotta go
in. I’m sorry. Okay. But make sure you’re back before, you know. Deal.
Best deal I ever made. Boom! What’s black and white and sexy all over?
Chuff Hollister. He’s young, he’s hot, he’s Australian or British or
whatever. We can paint over his stripes so he looks like a horse. I can
see the headline now, Chuff Hollister is The next Pegasus. BoJack’s got
star power and grit up the wazoo. I can’t imagine Anyone who would
appeal to the audience more than Chuff. He’s got sex appeal – Gravitas –
Youth – Experience – And abs coming out of the wazoo. And what a wazoo
it is. – This would put Gekko-Rabitowitz – On the map. The map of
profitable agencies, that is. Perfect, because without it we could be in
Real trouble. We did not hit our projected earnings for the year. The
year’s not over yet. We still have one day to go all out. Rutabaga, do
you think we have the spunk and moxie That’s a good name for a lady
detective series. Required to pull this off and save the agency? Hell
yeah, I do. That would be a great title for a movie about marrying
Satan. How are we losing money? Vanessa, we’re getting Chuff this part
and coming out on top. I know we will, because we’re the good guys. Suck
a duck a duck a dick, dumbshit. – Hey, Sarah Lynn. – Hey, loser. Did you
get a call about that Ethan Around thing? – You’re not gonna do it, are
you? – I’m sorry, what thing? Ethan Around, the Horsin’ Around sequel
you put a bullet in my brain? That would probably be a better career
move. Wait, slow down. Did you say Ethan Around? I know. It should be
Sabrina Around, right? That’s a show people would watch. Sabrina doing
cool skateboard tricks and eating kettle corn. Hold on, if this was a
real thing, why would Brad call you and not me? Who knows? Why do people
do anything? Why did I make the cartoon tree grandma from Pocahontas my
emergency contact? Are you sure this whole thing isn’t just a semi-lucid
fever dream from mixing the wrong pills? Did you not hear? I’m clean and
sober, eight months. Really? That’s incredible. Yeah, I wanted a change
in my life. Because I heard if you stop doing drugs for a while, the
first time you do them again, it’s amazing. – What? No, just stay sober.
– Ugh! Whatever. Call me when you’re ready to party. Well, that’s
troubling. Can you believe they’re doing a Horsin’ Around reboot without
me? What do you care? You’re about to be nominated for an Oscar. Not the
point. This is about respect. BoJack, is this really a good idea? Tools.
Brad speaking. You’re doing a new show in the extended Horsin’ Around
cinematic universe and you didn’t call me? Hey, BoJack. Ethan Around is
just an idea I had. It’s not officially happening or anything. I would
love for you to be part of it, but the horse died in the series finale.
So? We could write around that. The Horse dying was just a dream. The
Horse had a twin brother, comes back as a ghost. Ethan missed the Horse
so much he built a robot Horse as a tribute. “I’ve heard of overloaded
motherboards, but this is ridiculous.” Those are off the top of my head,
they’re all gold. I’m surprised you’re so into the idea. I’ve been
having trouble getting networks on the phone, but with a big star like
you attached, we could sell this right away. I wouldn’t say I’m attached
Don’t move. I’m getting the next flight down to LA. – Right now? – And
purchased. BoJack, for the last 20 years I’ve been telling people I
didn’t need the trappings of fame, that I was better off, happy with my
little B-plus life at my little B-plus hardware store in little B-plus
Olympia, Washington. B-minus children. But it’s a lie. I miss the warmth
of the spotlight on my face. The thrill of telling a joke and feeling it
land. Is that a thrill you experienced? The sitcom stage is my home, and
I’m tired of denying myself that. I’m ready to come home. Great. – Why
did you let me call him? – Ugh. Ah, smell that Labrador Peninsula air.
Keep an eye out for my brother. – How will I know which one’s him? –
He’s the one that looks like me. Got it. – Hello? – Hey,
Mr. Peanutbutter. Is this an okay time to talk business? Yeah, I’m just
waiting for Captain Peanutbutter. What is that, like, a cereal? No, my
brother. – He’s picking us up at the airport. – Nice. Speaking of
think New Year’s is going to be even bigger. I’m loving that segue,
Todd. You are a conversational Magellan. Turns out there’s a huge demand
for a safe space for women. Who knew? Honestly, never would’ve crossed
my mind. So I was thinking, what’s the next step? What if we made our
safe space for women also available to men? That’s an untapped market.
All right, then it’s agreed. No goodbye? He’s a conversational Amelia
Earhart. Mr. Peanutbutter and Captain Peanutbutter in the same room?
What is this, a flashback episode? Captain Peanutbutter, you old
so-and-so. – Get over here. – Careful. Where’s Mrs. Captain
Peanutbutter? She’s in Alaska running the Iditarod. She sends her love.
And this noogie. Whoo! Diane, this is my big brother. Big brother? I’m
five minutes older. And you always will be. It’s nice to meet you,
Captain. Hey, put that thing away. You’re family. Oh! So David Pincher
is about to shoot the Flight of the Pegasus trilogy in New Zealand, and
BoJack is perfect for the lead. A part like that would really underline
that BoJack’s more than just an actor, he’s a movie star. If I’m doing
that, I conveniently won’t be able to do that dumbass Ethan Around show.
Use that when you tell him I won’t do it. Why don’t you tell him you
don’t want to do it? I can’t. I’m like a father figure to him I slept
with his mother. – Gross. – No. I slept with her 20 years ago. She was
young then, not gross. Ugh! Hey, loved you in The Caveman’s Valentine. –
Hmm? – Nothing? The Caveman’s Valentine? Samuel L. Jackson had that big
beard? Look it up. – When you start laughing, call me. – Will do. Do we
have an offer on the Pegasus movie? I’ll get it, Kalamata. Don’t get
your pita in a wad. Wow. Flight of the Pegasus. This must be what Robert
Downey Jr. felt like when he woke up on that stranger’s bathroom floor
and found out he was gonna be Iron Man. It’s another unseasonably warm
day in the Labrador Peninsula and things are looking sunny all the way
to the new year. It really is true what they say Nothing bad ever
Mister. Now who let these little monsters onto my peninsula? We’re your
nephews. What? I don’t remember my nephews being made out of candy.
Gobble, gobble, gobble. Look at those children. Little miracles, right?
They’re adorable, not that I value them based on their looks. Because,
of course, children in society today are often reduced to their
cuteness. I can’t wait to get to know your children as people, so I can
specifically compliment them individually on the foundation of their
characters. Well, one day they’ll die, just like us. Uh – Do you believe
in the soul? – What? Life is the most precious resource we have.
Remember that, Diane. Okay. Pretty great, right? Did you tell your
brother about the A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N? The audition? No, I could never tell
him about that. He thinks I’m offer-only, it would break his heart.
Wait, what audition? – No, the abortion. – Oh, no. Should I have? He
said some weird stuff to me earlier. The kind of stuff you’d hear in a
sad Creed song. Or a happy Elliott Smith song. Oh, he’s probably just
razzing ya, but he’s a good dog. All bark, no bite. Sorry, that’s a
Labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be: He’s all talk,
and no shooting you with an assault rifle. Is that what you think humans
do? Am I wrong? Boom! This is David Pincher. And this is everyone who
works for him. Now unfortunately for us, everyone on this board must
really like their boss’s movies, because for the holidays, they’re all
Gone Girl. Thank you, except for her. Boom. The assistant to David
Pincher’s casting director. Wait a second, I know that face. Why does
she look so familiar? – Oh, fish. – Oh, fish. So when I found out that
the best assistant I ever had was working for David Pincher, I mean,
what are the odds? Did he hire you because of your cute little Benjamin
Button-nose? I’ll put in a good word for BoJack, but I’m just an
assistant. Just an assistant? Laura, assistants are everything. You’re
the first people in, the last people out. You know everyone’s real name,
age, nose, teeth, and tits. You have power, because in today’s economy
the only true power is information. I want you to use that power. I want
you to get your boss to pick BoJack as his Pegasus. I always believed in
you, Laura. do you believe in yourself? Wow, that’s I’m sorry, did you
just make that up? Because that was Is that a speech you had ready to
go? – Will you do this for me? – Of course. You went to bat for me when
I tried to get a promotion at Vigor. I pushed so hard for you. I did
everything I could. I mean, we gals gotta look out for each other.
Right? Right. So you’re talking about a merger? Since my dad croaked
I’ve been running Vigor myself, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job,
A-minus/B-plus. But I could use a few more experienced hands to help
guide the ship, – because being a boss is really hard. – Yes. Princess
Carolyn can be a proud woman. I’m glad you came to me first. I would
have gone to her directly, but sometimes she yells at me and I do not
like being yelled at and that is just something that people need to
understand about me. I’ll talk to her, when the time is right. So on the
new show Ethan is the dad, and he’s raising three little horses. You
couldn’t have told me this over the phone? This show is going to change
my life. I’m taking the kids out of school and moving everyone down
here. I just had an offer accepted on a house in Sherman Oaks. As long
as I don’t change my mind before the new year, boom. Two million
dollars, gone. – The new year? That’s tonight. – I know. Did you talk to
my agent by any chance? – No. – She didn’t call you? I talked to her,
and I don’t know if she wants me to do it. You know how agents are. Just
remember, I’m not the bad guy here. I hear you loud and clear. Don’t
worry. We won’t take no for an answer. I think my schedule’s gonna be
tough Might be going to New Zealand. We’ll work around your schedule.
Those bastards got my quote so damn high. We’ll pay it. No obstacle is
insurmountable. – As long as you want to do it. – And I do want to do
it. Get me out of this thing. This asshole’s giving me everything I ask
for. What a nightmare. Tell him you don’t want to do the show. I can’t.
It would destroy him. Destroying people is what I pay you to do, so I
don’t think about the people I’m destroying. Do you not know what an
agent is? BoJack, are you okay in there? Is it number one or number two?
That cat’s running circles around us. What are we going to do? Maybe we
can distract her? I’m thinking laser pointer. If we’re going to beat
her, we need to think like her. Instead of convincing the Pegasus people
they don’t want BoJack, what if we convince BoJack he doesn’t want
Pegasus? Fantastic. How do we do that? Kelsey. Kelsey? That’s what I
said when they said you wanted to meet with me. I figured you never
wanted to see me again. I never want to see anyone again, but there’s a
book I’ve been trying to turn into a movie and I need your help. It’s a
coming-of-age story about a girl who likes jellybeans. The option
expires tonight at midnight, unless I can find a big enough star to
secure funding. Frankly, I already gave up on it. Then my agent said,
“Maybe BoJack’s interested.” So the reason you think I’m right for the
role is because I’m a big enough star to secure funding? Don’t get
smart, BoJack. You’re not good at it. You’re really giving the hard sell
here. I hear they’ve got you locked in to some fantasy dystopia thing.
Are you just gonna do stupid bullshit for the rest of your life? For
work or, like, in general? I saw something in you, something most people
don’t know you have, and it kills me that instead of sharing it with the
world, you want to hide it under some wonderland unicorn nonsense. It’s
a Pegasus. Unicorns are for babies. The movie I want to make isn’t
glamorous or sexy. You don’t get to be the big hero everybody loves. You
get to be a guy who works at a gas station, who gets in a fight with his
daughter about jellybeans. That’s the whole movie. It’s small and it’s
real. And you’d get to work with a director who sees you. And I can’t
sell it any better than that. You’re right, that one scene we shot that
didn’t even make it into the Secretariat movie was the best thing I ever
did. Why am I wasting my time with this other stuff? – So you’re in? –
Let’s do it. Great. How’s your little friend with the face? Is he up to
his old tricks, getting into scrapes? What a little scamp. Will you tell
him I said hi? Kelsey’s movie sounds perfect. Is it the
nobody’s-gonna-see-it element or the fact you’ll be working for peanuts?
This jellybean thing could show the world that BoJack’s more than just a
movie star. – He’s an actor. – Yeah, well, that’s great, but I’ve been
working all day on getting him the Pegasus movie you said would show the
world he’s a movie star. I don’t want that anymore. I want to do
something real. You realize how much money we’d be walking away from?
This isn’t about money. Doesn’t matter to me. – Yeah, it doesn’t matter
to you. – Right. So what’s the problem? Maybe you can find a way for
BoJack to do both? You’re supposed to be this amazing agent, after all.
I’ll see what I can do. New beers for the new year’s? We got a regular
Maya Angelou over here. Good times. Oh, it’s Todd. Gotta take this. –
Maybe you can call him back later? – Todd! Don’t be too long, or I’m
gonna drink all your beer. Diane, do you ever look up at the stars and
feel like they’re tiny holes in the sky, sucking out all the oxygen, and
suddenly you can’t breathe because you’re thinking about how small you
are and how meaningless it all is? Uh I guess. It’s so cruel to let
people love you. All you’re doing is promising you’ll one day break
their hearts. Cool fire pit. So it turns out men love safe spaces for
women even more than women do. You gotta read some of these comments.
Queefburglar69 says, “These sexy lady chauffeurs always get me where I
need to go.” That’s unambiguous. The only problem is some of the drivers
have been complaining about the new customer base. The workers are
allowed to complain? We gotta tighten up that ship. Most of the new
passengers are perfect gentlemen, but we’ve found that a growing number
are rating our drivers not on performance but on “bangability”, which
creates an unfair advantage for our “bangable” drivers and creates what
some of our more homely employees have dubbed a hostile sexy-ocracy.
Whoa! Well, our first priority is creating a safe space for women, so if
our women don’t feel safe in that space, we should replace them with
women who do. Where can we find women who are comfortable around
gentlemen? I know. A gentleman’s club. That’s perfect. To Whale World.
Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but I pulled some strings and you’re
in. I always knew you were a superstar. Let’s get drinks in the new year
and work out the deets That’s a fast way of saying details for people
who don’t have time for every detail of the word details. Vanessa Gekko
on line two. Great, put that raggedy-ass bitch on. I’m gonna bat her
around like a ball of foil. I know you’re excited, but we are still in a
very precarious position, and I wonder if foil-ball-batting is the best
tack here. Judah, this is where I live. Watch and learn. Hey, we heard
BoJack and Kelsey had a great meeting on Jelly Belle. Gotta tie this up
tonight if it’s going to happen. BoJack would love to do the movie, but
you’re gonna have to work around his Pegasus schedule. Oh, um That might
be tricky. Then you’re gonna have to match his Pegasus quote. – He won’t
do it for a penny less. – Princess Carolyn Even with a star like BoJack,
Kelsey can’t get that kind of money. Well, then, work around his
I’m barreling towards you fast, Gekko, and this Mack truck ain’t gonna
blink. That’s not fair. I was clearly establishing a poker metaphor, you
just changed it to a game of chicken. My court. My rules. Court? What
game are you playing? Bye. – Damn it! – Question, am I the faulty bike
tire pump I had in seventh grade? Because I just blew this thing wide
open. – Talk to me, soldier. – I have been scouring old emails. I didn’t
know what I was looking for. I knew there was something. And I found it.
Bam! Hot shit on a ham sandwich, this is amazing! Sweet crap on a
croissant, Katie’s going into labor! Go, I’ll take care of this. Family
comes first. Thank you. You make me stronger. Why is my house filled
with sexy orcas? It’s the Cabracadabra New Year’s party. These are our
drivers. Oh. Uh, where’s Emily? She left. She said she didn’t feel
comfortable here. She certainly didn’t feel comfortable paying for the
food she ate. Yeah, okay, BoJack. I got champagne for my real friends,
’cause that’s what you are. – A real friend. – He doesn’t want to do
your show. – What? – BoJack is about to win an Oscar. Why do you think
adventures of a carb-faced nobody? – Oh, maybe – You are not a
television star. You have no talent and I am forgetting your face even
as I’m looking at it. Pack your bags. Go back to Nowheresville. Thank
you for the champagne. Best regards, Ana Spanakopita. Oh, God, the
house! I gotta pull my deposit! Pick up Oh, no. I dropped my phone in a
bog. Something is going on with your brother. You need to talk to him.
We don’t really have the kind of relationship where we talk about
things. Labs prefer to keep things playful. You know what they say about
dogs? Talking to each other is rrruff. I’m serious, Mr. Peanutbutter.
And I’m serious that you should drop it. If something was really wrong,
he would tell me about it. Would he? I know he’s your brother, but he’s
hiding something from you. Why do you think you know my brother better
than I do? Just because you have a shitty relationship with your family
doesn’t mean every other family has to have drama too. I wanted to come
up here and have a nice time. This place is an escape for me. – Okay,
I’m sorry, I just – I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I should not have shouted at
you. I just I need to go for a walk. – Oh, hey. – Hey, is there
something going on? Because I know there isn’t, but if there is, you
would tell me, right? But there’s nothing to tell, because nothing bad
ever happens on the Labrador Peninsula. – Okay, I think you should sit
down. – Why? – I need to talk to you. Sit down. – I will not sit down. –
Mr. Peanutbutter, sit. – Okay. – I got a twisted spleen. – No. It’s not
fatal, necessarily. Everything’s gonna be fine. They still have to run
some tests. – But it’s going to be fine? – Yeah. Promise me it’s going
to be fine? You’re my big brother. That means you can’t lie to me about
this. Mr. Peanutbutter, you are the best runt of the litter a guy could
ask for. No, don’t do this. – But there might come a time – Please. When
you’re going to have to be the captain. What is this, a very special
episode? What? What do you mean? What happened? It’s a no-go on BoJack
for Pegasus. I don’t understand, Laura. I I just wanted you to know. I
did everything I could. – Hey. – Look If you didn’t wanna do my movie,
you should have just told me. I do want to do your movie. Oh, yeah? Why
did your agent keep demanding more money? – What? – The option’s expired
and I’m screwed. Ugh! Why did I get my hopes up? Why do I keep letting
you get my hopes up? Kelsey, this is a mistake. It’s a mistake I keep
making. Next time, BoJack? Do a girl a favor, don’t break her heart by
inches. Do it all at once. It’ll save everyone some time. Huh? Ten,
nine, eight Oh, good, you’re still here. I wanted to get a head start on
the 2016 budget. It’ll be a challenge, but assuming BoJack books Pegasus
BoJack didn’t book Pegasus. – So he’s doing the jellybean movie? – That
fell apart, too. We’re gonna have to cut some costs. Our social media
division is a luxury we can no longer afford. If things don’t perk up
the first quarter, we might be looking at broader layoffs. – Do you ever
read a room? – I’m sorry, is this a bad time? Is midnight on New Year’s
a bad time? I don’t know. Why don’t you run that through your robot
analysis protocol? Get back to me once you’ve assessed the data. I am
not a robot. I am a human being. You want to make some cuts? Why don’t
you cut that stupid beard? Everyone who walks in here thinks this place
is run by a homeless person. I apologize if my appearance or demeanor is
unprofessional. No, you’re perfect. Everybody’s perfect except for me.
Go home, Judah. – Would you like me to shave the beard? – Just go home,
Judah. Happy New Year, Princess Carolyn. Hello, little ones. Mama loves
you. And you. And you. And you. – They’re so beautiful. – And you, and
you, and you. – Rutabaga, we got it. – Yeah? Chuff Hollister is the new
Pegasus. We saved the agency. – That’s incredible, honey. – Wow,
everything worked out. You gotta love a happy ending. Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
3 9 Best Thing That Ever Happened 1 – [sighs.] – [cell phone rings.]
BoJack! Beautiful day, huh? Perfect day to go outside, not read the
trades or talk to anyone in the industry or watch entertainment
television or have a gut feeling about the ratings for your television
show last night. – Princess Carolyn, I’m dying. – You read the trades.
My heart is in my stomach, my stomach is in my butt, and my butt ran
away with the spoon. That makes sense because your butt is quite a dish.
Can you come over? I need you. [sighs.] What the? I ordered a few
feel-better pizzas to feel better. It did not work. Then I sprinkled
happy pills on them, and washed it all down with a “Please, God, make my
pain go away” vermouth and ice cream float. – Somehow I feel worse. –
That’s a real mystery. My show was terrible. Why did insist on a
mockumentary format? It’s already an overused trope now, in 2007. Hey!
Mockumentary is not a trope, it’s a device for storytelling. And your
show is daring and cutting edge. People just aren’t ready. Yeah. Yeah,
people! It’s not me. It’s the people that are the problem! Everyone’s
dumb and I am great. Why do I always forget that? That’s the spirit. I’m
starting to think this show is the best thing that happened to me. –
Really? – Yeah. It made me realize you’re the best thing that happened
to me, with your sexy cat eyes and your cute little hair curl. You look
like a soft serve strawberry ice cream. BoJack, we can’t. I’m your
agent. You are so much more than that. You’re my lighthouse, my Garmin.
You’re the little plastic table they put in pizza boxes to keep the
pizza from getting smushed. You’re Princess Carolyn. [both moan.]
Don’t you break my heart, BoJack Horseman. – What? – What? Nothing. –
Did you just say something to me? – No, I was just being wistful, I
guess. Well, can you be wistful a little quieter? – Not everyone is
interested in your wist. – Okay, BoJack. – You smell nice. – Thanks,
BoJack. [funky electronic music.] [Carolyn laughs.] Okay, gotta go.
I’m about to meet my most important client. – I know you’re not really
on the phone. – Bye, Mr. President. Give my love to your basketball
friends. You too. Should we get dinner, or are you just thinking drinks?
– I’m not planning on staying long. – Okay. I’m glad you wanted to meet,
because I am so pumped to tell you all about the exciting projects I’m
lining up for you. That won’t be necessary. Once you get your Oscar nom,
we’ll have our pick. That’s the key. You think Halle Berry would’ve been
offered Catwoman if she wasn’t an Oscar winner? We just gotta find you
your Catwoman. I’m not sure if a Catwoman is really the best thing for
my career right now. Right, well, like I said, we are getting lots of
offers. Listen, Princess Carolyn Signore Horseman! Principessa Carolina!
Sandro, how you doing, you handsome devil? To be honest I am, how you
say, sweating bull’s nets. – You mean sweating bullets? – I don’t think
so. Sweating bullets. How does that make the sense? How does sweating
bull’s nets make sense? I don’t want to be caught in bull’s nets. He may
try to kiss me. I prefer kissing cows. No judgment, just a preference. I
love kissing cows! Don’t tell my wife. I’m kidding! She knows. She’s a
cow! And I only kiss her. [laughs.] Okay, very good. Haven’t you lived
in America for 30 years? Ignore him. Why are you sweating bullets and/or
nets? Ah. Because there is a restaurant critic here tonight. Very
interesting. Critics are the worst. That’s my review of critics. Two
thumbs down! Four percent fresh! One star! You all eat a flat butt! Did
you not know there was a critic here? You own this place. I never see
you do anything to help run it. This place runs itself. Right, Sandro?
Well, my wife and children and therapy man may not agree so much, but if
you say so, Signore Horseman. Even his wife and kids and therapy man
agree. Well, as the Black Guy Pete say, “Tonight’s gonna be a good
night.” Please. Enjoy. I know you’re not happy about what happened with
the Kelsey project. I pushed a little too hard to get you the money you
deserve. What can I say? Sometimes I’m too good of an agent, so deals
fall apart. That’s a thing that happens when agents are really good. –
That’s not – Moving forward! I know you’re not happy with how I handled
Ethan Around. – Or didn’t handle it. – Bygones! It was because I was
busy getting you the Pegasus movie, which I know you did not get, but
trust me, you’ll see not getting these movies was the best thing that
ever happened to you. Onwards and upwards! Tally ho! To the stars! Okay,
you’re forcing me to use the cards. “Princess Carolyn, clear throat, I
have been very disappointed” Ring! Hello, Your Highness. It’s a king, I
have to take this. In the bathroom. [repeating.] Oh, fish, oh, fish!
[female.] Who’s out there? Are you talking to me? No. [sighs.] All
right, Pink Lady, think. – [female.] Are you talking to me? – Are you
a pink lady? [woman.] I was a Pink Lady in my high school’s production
of Grease. – Were you Rizzo? – [female.] No, Jan. Then don’t waste my
time. Now, let us bow our heads and bray. [all bray.] [grunts.]
[whispers.] Yes, right away! So back to what you were – Oh, my
goodness, what is this? – Yeah, what is this? Happy 23 years working
together – Join me – Oh, my God. – Twenty-two-three, 23 years –
Twenty-three years You’re making this up. Happy 23 years working
together Can you believe this? – Two plus three equals 23 – This is just
stream of consciousness. Twenty-three years working together!
Twenty-three years Okay, cool. Can you believe it, BoJack? It’s been
almost a quarter of a century. Talking on the phone pretty much every
day, sharing our deepest dreams and secrets, being there for each other
through all of it, bosom friends, Anne of Green Gables style. Let’s
toast to another 23 years. What do you say? – You’re fired. – Uh Oh. I
can’t believe this. You’re firing me? – Me? – What? No. You have no
idea, everything I do around here! – Half the kitchen staff is my
family. – No. – Honestly, just – I detest you! I hope you rot in the
hell! – We’re headed down a road that – You washed-up has-been no-good
joke! You are the opposite of an onion, because if I cut you, I am no
gonna cry. Well, now you are fired. Good luck finding another charming
first-generation Italian immigrant with this kind of darling accent, who
makes equally delightful malapropisms! You, sir, have just cut off your
nose and thrown Sprite in your face! I am a classic stereotype that is
tough to come by nowadays, because Italians don’t emigrate so much to
America no more. Botticelli, Barbarelli, Beetle Bailey! Modigliani,
Masaccio, Marmaduke! Avanti, all of you! Andiamo! [laughs nervously.]
huh? You’re the one who’s fired, obviously. Right. Ryan Murphy is doing
a re-imagining of The Life and Times of Harriet Tubman. But in this
version, she’s a tub-man, with the comparative strength and agility of a
tub! – PC. – He’s looking for someone to play the Underground Railroad
conductor. Great, but you don’t represent me anymore. Okay, I get it.
I’m fired. Sheesk. You’re gonna spend a couple days being mad at me,
then I’ll get you another gig, and you’ll be my client again, just like
every time. Can we get past the part where you’re mad at me and get to
the part where you’re stealing General Lee’s plutonium to fuel your
subterranean steam-punk slave-tram? “It’s best, for both of us, if we
end this relationship once and for all.” I’m sorry I screwed up, you
don’t have to read off the “You take me for granted, made decisions that
were against my wishes, and worst of all she’s got my globes a-warming!”
– How did that get in there? – What is that? A punch line to a joke from
the roast of January Jones. – A global warming joke? – It’s an important
issue. Here we go. “Our relationship no longer has any” “January has
only gotten hotter and hot” Nope. Were you at the roast of January
Jones? No, but I wrote some jokes in case someone got sick and they
needed a backup. Do you even know January Jones? Why would they call
you? I guess I thought that my agent could get me in the mix if Jason
Sudeikis How did these get out of order? So in the joke, are the globes
your balls? And they get warm when you see January Jones? Is that how
balls work? I don’t know. It’s a work in progress. Professional
integrity! “Our relationship no longer has any professional integrity.
So it’s gotta end. Stand to leave.” Shouldn’t have read that part. “When
you reflect on this, you’ll see it’s best for both of us. Exit
restaurant.” Goddamn it. Wow, that was I don’t know what that was. Hey!
Where are you going? – Who gave you this idea? Spanakopita? – This has
nothing to do with Ana. Here you go, sir. – I’ll get it! – You two are
b’thumping. Now you do whatever she says? – Is that what’s happening? –
No. No, you’re not b’thumping or no, you’re not doing whatever she says?
– I’m not doing whatever she says. – So you are b’thumping. I understand
from context what you mean, but there’s no way b’thumping is a thing.
I’ll get it! You don’t have to do everything your little falafel pocket
tells you to. – You screwed up! – Once! In 23 years! I’ll get ‘em. All
these years I carried you, when no one wanted to work with you. I still
managed to get you jobs. And then you would flake, or sabotage them, or
get wrapped up in some crisis or emergency or vague sadness. Everyone
told me to dump you my bosses, film execs, directors, they all told me
you were washed up, a nobody, a has-been, – a joke, too portly for TV. –
Too portly for TV? Who said that? – It doesn’t matter. – It does. Who
said it? Luis Guzman. Luis Guzman said I’m too portly for TV? You’re
right, BoJack. This is for the best. I no longer have to lug your
talent around my neck. – Hey. – Thank you for firing me. I’m gonna go
pour myself a little celebratory potato juice, because this is the best
goddamn thing that’s ever happened to me. Hey! Hey! Hey! [groans.] Ha,
ha! I’ll get it. You do not talk to me like that and walk away. Oh, no?
What’s happening? This is so weird. I’m walking away, even though you
told me not to. Right, I don’t work for you anymore. – Hey! – Excuse me,
Mr. Horseman? Not now. We have a slight problem in the kitchen. – Where
is everybody? – That’s the problem. They all quit. The kitchen’s backed
up with orders. No one’s getting food. And the critic is growing very
impatient. Writing that down – Just do what you normally do. – But
there’s no chef. Tonight’s your lucky night. You just got promoted. But
I don’t want to be a chef. I want to sing Kidding. I’m actually just
happy being a waiter. I’m not my job. – A lot of people think that –
You’re the chef! Start cheffing! Oh. [giggling.] [murmuring.] What?
Fifty teeth? Get out of here. Let me see. – Ahh – Would you look at
that. You’re thrilled to have me out of your life? – I was such a burden
all those years. – Can I close my mouth now? – Know what I think? –
Don’t wanna hear it. You like being there to rescue me. – I close my
mouth, okay? – Nobody cares! – Okay – Nope, I’m still counting. You like
it when I’m a mess. Because it makes you feel good about yourself. Guess
what? I never asked for that. You ask all the time. You have never not
been asking me to rescue you. “Princess Carolyn, help me! I slept with
the gaffer’s wife and now he’s not lighting me properly. Princess
Carolyn, I threw up on Elle Fanning in a bounce house. Princess Carolyn,
why am I such a big stupid asshole?” Okay, great, more abuse. Right on
schedule. Oh, that’s abuse? “BoJack, you’re such a big, stupid asshole.
BoJack, why were you even in the bounce house, dummy? BoJack, you wasted
my thirties!” I never said you wasted my thirties. Didn’t have to,
you’re always saying it. And I don’t like being around you, because I
agent. It’s about a lot of things. – Where are you going? – Away. –
[sighs.] – Hey, listen, man. I don’t wanna get in the middle of this,
it’s none of my business, but I just have to say I love that sweater. –
Can you give it to me? – What? No. I held my mouth open a really long
time. – What does that have to do? – You’re not being fair, to me or
Typical BoSchwack. That’s enough out of you. It’s all right, you’re
gonna get through this. – You’re gonna get through this. – [female.]
Are you okay? Are you okay? You’ve been in there a long time.
[female.] I left for a while and came back. Just so you know, this
wasn’t an easy decision. – This is the ladies’ room! – [female.]
What’s going on out there? Are you watching a movie? I agonized over
this. Ask Ana. – Oh. So you did talk about it with Ana. – Yeah. I
respect her opinion. [shouts.] Paws not claws! Paws not claws! Hey!
Ow! God, you’re strong. [BoJack groans.] This is exactly the kind of
professionalism? – Yes, I do. But not here. [shivers.] You say you
want professionalism? Bullshit. You want a mommy you can slide your dick
in. I can want that and also want professionalism. A sex-mommy who keeps
her boundaries, is that too much to ask? Is there a single woman you’ve
worked with who you haven’t tried to groggily thrust yourself into? Is
it any wonder I don’t want to be around you? All you do is tell me I’m a
terrible person. Please, you’re such a self-pitying masochist, I could
say ten nice things and one mean thing, you would only hear the one mean
thing. I’d love it if you said ten nice things to me. – I can say nice
things. – Ready when you are. Does self-pitying masochist count, or are
we starting from scratch? Okay, one I’m freezing my whiskers off. – You
have a natural charisma. – You hesitated, that means it’s a lie. Two,
you are loved by millions. That’s not a compliment. So is Kim Jong Un
and Teri Hatcher. I got this. I got this. Pre-heat oven? Where’s the
pre-heat button? Excuse me? Waiter? Where are my family’s double-fudge
cheese pies? I’m not your waiter anymore. I’m the chef. – Then who’s our
waiter? – Uh, you’re the waiter now. Ta-da! I can’t be a waiter. I have
a very important business meeting tomorrow. You get someone else to do
it. I’m the chef and whatever I say goes! Okay. Who gets these soy balls
and onion cubes? Table eight. Deliver those soy balls, soldier. You got
it, boss. Number six. You know how to make me laugh. So I’m a clown to
you? Like Joe Pesci in Home Alone? [laughs.] You recognize you’re
being impossible, right? – I don’t know how you put up with me. – I
didn’t put up with you, BoJack. I liked being with you. And I don’t
regret it. I don’t regret the trip to the Bahamas. Or the bracelet you
bought me for my 38th birthday. Or when my dad died and you came to the
funeral with me and held my hand. I’m doing this for both of us. You
understand? – Did you ever love me? At all? – I don’t I’m not You know
that I don’t do the whole love thing. Either you end up hurting someone
or they hurt you. So, what’s the point? Yeah. Ugh. This sucks. Ow. I did
this to myself. I do this to myself. – Why do I do this to myself? – I
don’t know. Maybe if you’re good at putting out fires, you just run from
fire to fire and don’t really think about [screams.] Oh, God, I don’t
wanna be a chef! I want to be not on fire! – We gotta put out that fire!
– I hate Mondays! [groans.] I figured out how to pre-heat the oven.
This night has been a disaster. The good news is I got my kid to prep my
important meeting at work. The bad news is all the customers went home.
They didn’t like the screaming and felt like their food was a little too
“on fire”. – It’s called a char, dumbshits. – The critic’s still here.
Oh, oh, oh! She still wants her mushroom risotto. I don’t know how to
make risotto. I know how. What are you doing? No, go home. You’re right.
What am I doing? All right. Good luck. [deep breath.] Keep driving,
keep driving Girl, don’t turn that car around Break your pattern Of
needing to fix other people Just keep on driving away Ugh. Who do they
write these songs for? Don’t go back to the restaurant Princess Carolyn
Just keep driving away – Ugh. – [music stops.] Goddamn it. How should
I know? Do I look like an expert in cooking oils? We have to choose!
We’re running out of time. – Olive. You wanna use olive oil. – What are
you doing? Let me do this. You’ll burn the place to the ground. Fine.
This isn’t one of those things where you save my ass so I feel obligated
to give you your job back. I know you have no sense of obligation to me.
Ooh, slam. I’m sorry, I’d rather not get involved. – Can I get you some
more water? – Mmm. You look lovely. It’s a great blouse. Mom, I wanna go
home. This is a very important night for the restaurant. How are we
coming on the sales meeting? Did you get the big conference room?
Winslow wants the big conference room for his presentation to corporate.
You get back on that phone and you get me that big room. Okay, Mom. The
secret is stirring continuously. Right, so that’s the secret. I’m gonna
go roll some more soy balls. – Thanks for your help. – Sure. How do you
know how to do this? Mom was a live-in maid for a rich family. She had a
little trouble bending her elbow too much. Glug, glug. So unless I
wanted us to be on the street, I had to cover for her, a lot. That rich
family loved Italian food and champagne fountains. And cocaine. And
private jets. And screaming at each other. “Who threw my cocaine in the
champagne fountain?” – So standard rich people stuff? – I guess. – How
come you never told me that? – I did. Oh. It’s okay. I know you never
remember anything. That’s not true. I remember the first time we met. I
went to see Marv. You were at the desk in front of his office. I thought
you were cute and you said, “It’s good to see you again.” – Oh. So I
guess we’d met before. – That was the third time we met. The first time
was when I was an intern. I delivered a script to your house. You were
passed out in the yard, covered in tapioca pudding. I hosed you down,
dragged you inside, covered you with a blanket. – Really? I don’t
remember that. – Shocker. So you’ve gone from daughter of a maid to head
of your own company. Well, the company’s not doing so hot. – Don’t try
to guilt me. – It’s not your fault. Turns out being an agent and running
an agency are two different skills. It’s like asking a really delicious
tomato to make you a tomato sandwich. How’s a tomato gonna make you a
sandwich? He’s got no arms. You’ll figure it out. Princess Carolyn
always lands on her feet. But I don’t even know why I’m doing it. Does
any of it matter? Why are you an agent at all if it makes you so
miserable? Because I’m good at it. I mean, stuff hasn’t been hitting
lately. But, usually, I’m really good at it. Just ‘cause you’re good at
something doesn’t mean you have to do it. I’m good at driving sober, but
I don’t relish the opportunity. But what else would I do? Who else would
I be? I do love you, by the way. I mean, as much as I’m capable of
loving anyone. Which is never enough. I’m sorry. Ta-da! Well, it is
truly how should I put this? Wonderful. So you’ll give Elefante a good
review? Oh, no, I can’t do that. I waited over two hours to be served.
The ambience was terrible. You two were screaming all night. At one
point, a waiter ran through the restaurant on fire. Unfortunately, you
will be receiving my lowest rating: four hundred and twelve stars, out
of a possible a billion. A billion stars? Yes, that’s the rubric I use
on SamanthaGoesToRestaurants.tumblr.com. – Oh, God, get out. –
[exclaims.] I assure you the animated GIFs with which I describe this
encounter shall be scathing. Mom! I just touched base with Rooney, re,
Winslow. He’s out, we’re in. The conference room is ours. Perfect! This
is the meeting where we finally convince the big boys to let us get
a drink? – I could drink. I don’t think I can. I’m heading out. I got
pretty badly burnt earlier and in a lot of pain. I should probably go to
the ER. Have a great night. [groans.] Ha, ha! What’s the second time
we met? – A taping of Horsin’ Around. – Which episode? The one where
Olivia put too much detergent in the washing machine. [BoJack.] Nancy
Reagan was the guest star. That woman was the real actor in the family.
[Carolyn.] I just started working for Marv. I went backstage to
introduce myself. And then what happened? You told me you were too tired
pretending to be nice all night, – and I needed to leave you alone. –
Oh. I’m a real jerk, huh? Yeah, but you’re honest, straightforward, not
fake nice and don’t beat around the bush. Your heart is tender, so you
protect it from people, but sometimes you open up a wall and it’s
incredible. You’re doing the best you can, considering your asshole
parents. You have great taste in art, and that pink spot on your nose is
just adorable. How many nice things was that, about ten? – Yeah, just
needed it. You did it for me, which was very sweet. Thanks. You’re a
good friend to me. – BoJack – Yeah? Are we friends? Yeah. I mean, I
think we are. Or I think we can be. Okay, then as a friend, I’m asking
you Please don’t leave me. – Princess Carolyn – Please. I can turn this
around, I just need more time. We’re in a fragile period, still finding
our feet. Just give me six months and then you can go. I promise, I’ll
never ask anything from you again, but please, give me six months.
Sorry, I left my coat here. [whistling a tune.] [waiter.] I got it.
[continues whistling.] So? What do you think? No. Back in the ’90s I
was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the Horseman – BoJack Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
3 10 It’s You 1 Ladies and gentlemen, to announce this year’s Oscar nominees
Mr. Peanutbutter! Mr. Peanutbutter! Mr. Peanutbutter? Hello! Here I am,
Mr. Peanutbutter. That’s my name and I am here. Okay, the nominees.
Nominees for Oscar. Who are the nominees? Well, as I used to say on
Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things?
Let’s Find Out, let’s find out. For Best Actor, the nominees are. Jurj
Clooners for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee. Bread Poot for City of AIDS.
Colin Firth for First Things Firth. The Colin Firth Story. Michael
Fassbender for I want to say Bill Gates? And BoJack Horseman for
Secretariat. Whoa. BoJack, you just got nominated for an Oscar. You’re
an Oscar nominee. How do you feel? I feel I-I feel I feel the same. It
happened again. Why do I keep thinking things will make me happy? – What
is wrong with me? – BoJack, don’t do this. – Don’t fetishize your own
sadness. – Uh Oh, God, I’m drowning. – I feel like I’m drowning. –
BoJack, listen. When I was 17, I snuck out to a fraternity party. The
roads were icy and I swerved into the lake. I came to underwater. It was
dark and cold, and I didn’t even know which way was up. I thought for
sure I was going to drown. And then I noticed when I opened my mouth,
the air bubbles floated up, and that’s how I knew which way to swim.
That is a terrifying story. BoJack, when you find yourself lost and
disoriented and underwater and you don’t know which way is up, it’s
important to breathe. I don’t deserve this. I’m not a best actor. Awards
aren’t about who’s best, BoJack. That’s literally the only thing they’re
about. No. All this means is that you’re one of the special people. I
saw it the first time I met you. You must have known it all your life.
And all your life, people told you that you were wrong, that you weren’t
special, that you were just like everybody else. But now, the special
people are saying, “You were right, BoJack. You were right.” I was
right. I am one of the special people. – Yes. – What are we doing just
sitting here? I just got nominated for an Oscar. We gotta party like
it’s 1982, the year Prince released 1999. Whoo-hoo! BoJack, your
complimentary Rolex is here. BoJack, giant chocolate Oscar’s here.
Famous DJ David Gu-etta is at the door. Free Tesla’s here, Boj. They
want to know if they can park it in your driveway. No. Tell them I want
my free Tesla parked in my goddamn living room. I’m BoJack! Yeah, now
we’re doing it! Look at us partying. BoJack, you got another delivery.
Someone sent a nerd? Hi. You get a load of this chili cheese fountain?
Grab a handful of beans and go to town. Hey, this is all really
something. But I actually just came because I heard about the nomination
and I wanted to make sure you’re okay. That’s a funny way of saying
congratulations. But not funny “ha-ha”, more like funny Doonesbury. I
know how this kind of thing can sometimes send you spinning. “Oh, God,
why doesn’t this make me happy? Will anything make me happy? I’m an
empty husk.” That kind of thing. Well, thank you for that, but I’m
actually doing great. I direct your attention to the aforementioned
campaign anymore, because this party would make a great Snapchat story.
You are not gonna make me guilty about leaving Princess Carolyn. I’m not
here to make you feel guilty. Like I said Honestly, I don’t even know
what you’re doing over there. – Tweeting for celebrities? – Well,
actually, I don’t When I met you, you were so cool and interesting Uh, I
was never cool. You used to actually care about shit. What happened? I
don’t know, BoJack. Maybe caring about shit got old. Maybe I’m tired of
everyone yelling at me and sending death threats to my house, and all my
friends thinking I’m annoying, and getting in fights with my husband,
and seeing little refugee boys die in hospital bombings. It’s exhausting
and I can’t do it. If that makes me a bad person, then I’m sorry that
I’m not the “cool, interesting girl.” I never said you were a bad
person. I just said it’s not you. And you know it’s not you. Oh, and
this party is you? Who are all these people? – These are my friends. –
Name one of them. – Tes-ley. – You’re just looking at the Tesla. I don’t
know why it’s so hard for you to believe that I could be happy. I’m not
like you, okay? – I don’t fetishize my own sadness. – I don’t fetishize
my own sadness. – Sure. – You don’t know anything about me. Hey! I know
that you can tweet for a living in a house in Beverly Hills that your
husband bought, or you can think you’re better than everyone, but you
can’t do both. I don’t think I’m better than everyone. And again, I say,
sure. You know what’s gonna happen? You’re gonna win that Oscar, and
you’re gonna go up on that stage and give your little speech, and then
you’re gonna go home. And you’re gonna be so miserable, you’ll want to
kill yourself. And you’re gonna have nobody left to stop you. Hey, it’s
BoJack! BoJack! BoJack! No one’s gonna be there when I kill myself?
Listen to that chanting, Diane. The chanting don’t lie. There’s going to
be plenty of people around when I kill myself. BoJack! Tell your readers
that BoJack was sleeping. He didn’t even know they were announced today.
Okay. Goodbye, Heather. – Hey, Ana, can I ask you something? – Of
course, darling. – So, if I win the Oscar – “When” you win the Oscar.
Right. But after that, what’s gonna happen to us? – What do you mean? –
What we have. It’s more than just an Oscar campaign, right? – I need to
go. – What? There’s work to be done. We got the nomination, but now, the
Come on, buddy! Come on! – Mr. Peanutbutter! – Thank God you’re okay.
Better than okay. I’m wonderful. Thanks to you, you wonderful man. When
you said my name this morning, you changed my life. – About that – Hey,
did you see Erica here? She was looking for you earlier, with her good
eye. Her other eye was looking to the stars. – BoJack, I need to talk to
you. – Yeah? What’s going on, buddy? Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve
got bad news. Raven on a wire. A gloomy portent, precariously perched.
And, as the sun sets, so does it spread its deathly shadow across the
just and unjust of the outdoor seating area of the California Pizza
Kitchen. Mm-hmm! And what better way to view such disquieting omens than
through these gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows? Yeah. Wow! They really
make regular windows look like shit. I can’t look out the window while
lying on the floor? – No, thank you, regular window! – Tell me a little
about your company. Well, it started as a safe space for women. Ooh!
Then, it became a safe space for women and men. Oh! Now, it’s more of a
safe-ish space for women Mm-hmm. And a really safe space for men to look
at women I hear you. While also being driven around by them. – Wow!
Something for everyone. – Demand is skyrocketing. That’s why we need a
bigger office space. You come to work, clock in, you put sugar in your
coffee, and watch it slowly disappear into nothingness. But the sugar
doesn’t know why. Sugar didn’t ask to be born. Is he okay? He recently
found out that his brother’s sick. Oh. I’m so sorry, but you know what
else is sick? – These hardwood floors. – Ooh! Did you hear that,
Mr. Peanutbutter? Losing BoJack was a blow. There’s no way to sugarcoat
it, even if I were generally good at sugarcoating things, which I’m not.
You know, I wish cats really did have nine lives. It would make me feel
better about how much I’m screwing up this one. You’re not screwing up
your life. Sometimes I feel like, if I could start everything over,
knowing what I know now, I’d do it all right this time. But other times
I think No, I wouldn’t. As you all know, things have been rough, and,
unfortunately, we have to scale back our staff. – Mainly, you. – Are you
firing me? In a sense, yes. But, in another sense, I’m promoting you to
a position of finding a job somewhere else. Yeah. I don’t think I ever
thanked you for giving me this job in the first place. It was an honor
to work with you. You were the worst social media coordinator this
company ever had. Are you sure you need surgery? Can’t you get a second
opinion? Second opinion? You know there’s only one doctor on the
Peninsula. I could ask him twice if it’d make you feel better. Nothing
could make me feel better right now. Not even an amazing career
opportunity. Hold on, I’m getting another call. I’ve got to take this.
It could be an amazing career opportunity. Hello? Mr. Peanutbutter, this
is Shep Von Trapp, awards show producer, with a career opportunity that
is good. This isn’t a great time, Shep. Could you call back? Absolutely
not. The Oscar nomination announcement is in seven days and we don’t
have a host. Sadly, Jimmy Fallon just broke his face. What? Halloween in
January? What a crazy concept! I can’t believe it! I mean, what is this?
Barry Gibb would be like I’m going in! No. First, I gotta get a selfie
with this thing. I’m Jimmy Fallon Und you are our first choice after our
first “first choice” got hit by a bus. You’re our second “first choice.”
What do you say? Ooh, a job like that? You want a fully present
presenter to present. And I don’t know if I’ve got the pep in my step to
take that show where it needs to go, you know? I’ve got a real pepless
step, Shep. Okay, well, let me know, because if you don’t want to do it,
we’ll probably just post the list of nominees online or something. It’s
really not that big of a deal. Hey, sorry about that. Just got a call
from the Oscars. – They want me to host – They want you to host the
Oscars? Nomination announcement. But I don’t think I have it in me right
now. Are you kidding? You gotta take that gig. – Really? –
Mr. Peanutbutter what did Nana Peanutbutter always say? “Always take
every opportunity that comes your way because opportunities are like
sneezes from God, and when God sneezes, you can’t say ‘God bless you’ to
God, so instead you have to take the opportunity. I’m cold. Will you
pass me that blanket?” Boy, that old gal had something for everything,
didn’t she? I know you’re worried about me, but sitting around the house
worrying isn’t going to help anyone. Okay, but you’ll call me when you
get out of the surgery, right? I’m not gonna let my phone leave my
sight. Of course. And now, I’ve got something new to live for. My little
brother, telling the whole world who got an Oscar! Nomination. We are
minutes away. Shep, release the envelope. Copy that. Releasing the
envelope. It’s go time. It’s go time. – Are you ready, Brother
Pricewater? – Of course, Brother Housecoopers. Mr. Peanutbutter, we’d
like to invite you to the stage. It’s here! The golden envelope. – Hmm –
Herr Peanutbutter? Okay. Oh, my phone. What should I do with it, Todd? –
Maybe you should hold it. – Uh-huh. – No, I’ll take it with me. – All
right. – No, you hold it. – Sure thing, yeah. – No, put it in my jacket
pocket. – Right here. Okay. Oh, no, it’s a fake pocket. Tricked again!
Todd, it’s ringing. This is it. Oh, no, my phone! Oh, no, I kicked it,
right through that doorway into the hallway! Now, other people are
kicking it and it’s sliding across the floor! – Okay, this is getting
absurd. – Let’s get that phone! Mr. Peanutbutter, you have been invited
to the stage! – Excuse me! – Hey! Sorry. If you could just My phone! I’m
coming to get you! That way! Come on, phone. Just stop! – Hello? –
Mr. Peanutbutter. I just, um I wanted to give you a chance to say
goodbye – Oh, no. – to my twisted spleen. Because it was successfully
removed from my body! Oh, my God, that’s incredible! Now, get out there
and announce those Oscars! Nominations. You got it, buddy. Okay. Now,
where’s the the Uh-oh. Could’ve sworn it was right here. Oh! Oh! There
you are. You need to get on stage. Yes, just as soon as you give me that
backup envelope, please and por favor. What back-up envelope? There is
no back-up envelope. That was a test and you passed. Wunderbar. Now,
let’s get you out there. Yes, gotta get out there, on to the stage, to
announce the nominations. Just as soon as I Oh, my God, is that Bradley
Cooper? Bradley Cooper? We love him for some reason. – Where? – Let’s
go, Todd. – Oh, God, what do we do? – It’s okay. We just need to come up
with all the nominees ourselves. But I haven’t even seen all the movies.
Todd, nobody has. That’s not how they give out awards. – But – Time for
talk is over. Now’s the time for action. And by “action,” I mean talking
about these 24 categories until we’ve settled on a list of nominees. You
need to tell me right now, are you in or out? Well, when you put it that
way, I guess you can call me high-waisted denim, because, right now, I
am very in. Let’s do this. What did you think of Frieda Pinto? Are you
kidding me? Anybody could do what she did. “Don’t take my baby. I’ll
give you all my Bitcoins!” Wow. That is good. Okay, for Best Picture,
what about Avatar? – That was a good movie. – True, but did that come
out this year? – I feel like I just saw it. – Well, there’s no way to
know for sure. Let’s just throw it on the list. Ooh, do we have Daniel
Day-Lewis down for anything? He’s always there. Good catch! I’ll add
him. Daniel Day-Lewis. Okay. We need one more nominee for Best Actor.
Oh, what about BoJack? His performance in Secretariat was as thoughtful
and self-aware as we’ve ever seen him. – Besides, he’s our friend. – Is
he? Whoa! I am surprised to hear you say that, Todd Chavez. – Let’s dig
into that. We have time. – I don’t think we do. You’re supposed to be
announcing these, like, now. There is always time to talk about our
feelings. As my Nana Peanutbutter used to say, “There’s always time to
talk about feelings, because feelings are the ceilings of our hearts,
and a leaky feeling ceiling leads to a flood of blood. And I’m cold.
Will you pass me that blanket?” Well, I guess I’m just tired of BoJack
walking all over everybody and still getting everything he wants.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I think the important thing to remember here is that
BoJack is a damaged individual, struggling against a sea of demons, many
self-created, but still all too real. Getting this nomination from the
two friends he loves the most you and also me would really mean a lot to
him. Okay. But did you really think he was that good in the movie? Oh, I
haven’t seen it. It seemed long. And the final nominee for Best Picture
is Avatar. Well, those are all the nominations. I will not be taking any
questions. Goodbye. I must go. I gotta say, we picked some top-notch
noms. You know it! Boy, was I glad when we got out of that theater,
though. I know. So many questions. “Oh, what the hell happened? Why were
you reading off that napkin? Why are you guys running?” They have their
nominees. What more could they want? You know what’s crazy? We saved the
day today, and no one will ever even know. Hey, we’ll know.
Mr. Peanutbutter, we know what you did. Oh, boy. So, the good news is,
my brother’s surgery was a success. And the bad news is, you’re not
nominated for an Oscar. And the other good news is that each breath is a
gift and it is a joy to live. – What? – We are so lucky we get to be
alive. – No, before that. – Oh, I didn’t tell you. – My brother’s been
sick. – No, I don’t care about your brother. First of all, manners.
Second of all, I think if you met him, you’d actually really hit it off.
Imagine me but with less “in your face” cool guy attitude. Did you say
I’m not nominated for an Oscar? Oh A lot of people are mighty steamed,
but I feel like what everyone’s overlooking here is, I got most of the
categories dead-on. That’s pretty amazing, and I am not getting enough
credit for that. Did you know that Avatar came out in 2009? – I’m not
nominated for an Oscar. – No. But you know what they say. “It’s an honor
just to be nominated.” Oh, wait. So, I’m just like everybody else. I
know you’re upset, but whatever you do, please don’t get mad at Todd. –
Why would I get mad at Todd? – Exactly. This is totally my fault. – He
didn’t even want to nominate you. – What? With the gift of hindsight, I
see now how that might have made you even more upset. But I realized
something today, when my brother called from the hospital, and I think
it’s gonna make you feel a lot better. – What? What is it? – None of
this matters. Okay, I’ll see you later, buddy. As a partner in the
company, I am prepared to forgo my salary for the next three months, but
even then, we’re going to need some sort of miracle. What are we doing?
What was the point of any of this? I wasted everyone’s time for six
months. Soon, I’ll get some offer from one of the big five agencies that
I can’t say no to, and I’ll go back to being another cog in the giant
Play-Doh spaghetti maker that is this industry. – Is that the best I can
hope for? – Not necessarily. Although, there is one thing I should
probably mention. What is it, Judah? Maybe this is an opportunity to
live one of your other eight lives. Yeah, maybe. It’s been a pleasure
working with you, Judah. I found it to be an above average experience.
Please forgive me for getting emotional. Rye, wheat, or sourdough? Can I
get it on stale? And then, he said, I fetishize my own sadness. What did
you think was gonna happen? Why did you go there? I don’t know. – Did
you ask for water? – No. They’re not supposed to give us water unless we
ask. – Don’t they know there’s a drought? – You want to send the water
back? No, I want the water. I just I went to BoJack’s house to
congratulate him. I’m not trying to pick fights. Well, you don’t have to
see him at all if you don’t want to. It’s not like you work for him
anymore. – Is he right? Am I a bad person? – Who cares what he thinks?
Why do you have this weird fixation with him? I do not have a fixation,
Roxy. I worry about him. Okay. And last year? When you came back from
Cordovia and needed a place to crash? Oh, you could have stayed with me,
or any of your other friends, but you went right to his house. Did you
ever ask yourself why? They’re filling everyone’s glasses. This is
insane. Oh, my God. What do you care? Hey, excuse me? Excuse me? Do you
know you’re breaking the law by giving everybody water? It’s okay. I
want the water. Yeah, we all want water. That’s not the point. In the
state of California, it is illegal for a restaurant to serve people
water before they ask for it. There is a drought. Sit down! We’re
thirsty! You know, this is what’s wrong with society. Diane Nobody
thinks about the world outside themselves. So, how you doing? You still
working at that place? – Hello? – Hi, Ralph. It’s Princess Carolyn. Oh,
my God, Princess Carolyn, I never thought I’d hear from you again. I
might have some free time coming up. I was wondering if you might want
to get a drink. Okay. So, the night I met you after I said goodbye, the
craziest thing happened. Okay? I was walking back to my car, when all of
a sudden, – this woman – Oh. Tripped on a cobblestone, twisted her
ankle, – and tumbled into my arms. – What? Turns out, she was a
ballerina, and she didn’t speak a word of English. So, I rushed her to
the hospital, and long story short, we eloped. – Oh. – I moved to
Russia, and I’m totally messing with you. – None of that’s true. – What?
I would love to see you again. I think about you all the time. – Really?
giant chocolate Oscar guy. I’m here to pick up the giant chocolate
Oscar. My boss really wants our product to only be seen with real Oscar
nominees. You know, to maintain the integrity of the giant chocolate
Oscar. I don’t care. Take it. You’ve reached Ana Spanakopita. How did
you get this number? Explain yourself. Ana, this is the fourth time I’ve
called. Please call me back. I need you. Ana, please. This is BoJack, by
the way. Horseman. Hey! Todd! Where you been? – Oh, hi. – You were in
Ojai? – No, I was just saying hi. – Well, why not go to Ojai, huh? You
and me? I could use an escape, couldn’t you? It’s not really a good
time. Todd, I need this. You’re my best friend and I need you. Don’t
leave me now. Don’t be like everybody else. I’m not leaving you. I just
Besides, I think you owe me, right? After what you did? – What I did? –
Come on, Todd. I know. – Mr. Peanutbutter told me everything. –
Everything? Even told you, when I was a kid, I used to bang on my butt
like a bongo drum – when I got out of the bath? – What? Todd-o, me and
Todd-o Bath time come Make Todd shiny and clean Mm, no, not-not about
that. So, he didn’t tell you everything. Did he tell you about the time
I counted to a million? One, two, three, four, five, six – No, stop. –
But I was just getting to the good part! What? Seven? He told me you
didn’t want to nominate me for an Oscar. – Oh, that. – What the hell,
man? – After everything I’ve done for you? – What are you talking about?
Oh, I don’t know. Letting you live here for free for six years? Giving
stories about how you used to bang on your butt like a bongo drum? I let
you turn my house into your company’s headquarters for the last month.
Yeah, but that’s not because you’re my friend. That’s because you felt
think I know? I mean, I know what I think, but I don’t know if the thing
that I think is the thing that you think I know. – You know? – So, you
know I had sex with Emily. You had sex with Emily?! – Well, what did you
think? – I don’t know! Not that! I just knew something sketchy happened.
you are, and it bummed her out! Todd, I’m sorry, all right? I screwed
up. I know I screwed up. I don’t know why Oh, great! Of course! Here it
comes! You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things,
and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be
better! I know. And I’m sorry, okay? I was drunk, and there was all this
pressure with the Oscar campaign. – But now Now that it’s over, I – No!
No, BoJack, just stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you.
It’s not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that
happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you. All
right? It’s you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say? Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
4 1 See Mr. Peanutbutter Run 1 [MAN.] So you said let’s do the show about
the horse, – but this time without the horse. – [WOMAN.] I know, I’m
sorry. [MAN.] And I said, “That’s a terrible idea.” And you said, “I
got someone even better.” I got – What’s this asshole’s name again? –
Vincent D’Onofrio. – And here we are. – [DIRECTOR.] Okay. Action! Hey,
Zoe. Hey, Zelda. – I forgot my boombox. – And your deodorant. – Pee-yew,
mister. – [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.] – Zoe, that’s no way to get adopted. –
Adopted, by me? Children, I’m a single breakdancing instructor who can
barely take care of himself. Plus, I’m too rad to be a dad. [RHYTHMIC
GRUNTING.] Ooh! And shake it up. Hah! – [MAN COUGHS.] – Cut! [KLAXON
BLARES.] It’s fine, Katrina. If I didn’t randomly wander into doors all
the time, I never would have ended up co-piloting the very plane that
brought me to Los Angeles. Excuse me, didn’t you see the flashing red
light outside the door? Of course. That’s why I stopped what I was doing
to come inside. [LAUGHING.] Ooh, are you filming a sitcom? I love
sitcoms! You should have a character say, “Talk to the hand.”
[LAUGHTER.] The hand! Not the face, where the ears are. – Newsflash:
hands can’t hear. – [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.] What do you mean the
character needs to be more likable? They don’t teach likability at the
don’t want an actor, you want a blank canvas upon which to project your
own mawkish notions of goodness. Some man for all seasons up for a bit
of anything cheerful, optimistic, indomitable. I assure you no such man
exists. But you’re welcome to keep looking. This D’Onofrio has had
enoughfrio. – Hah hah! – Hmm. But my favorite scenes are when a
character is completely oblivious to something really important going on
behind him. That, dear friends, is where the sit truly hits the com. –
Excuse me. – Kind of in the middle of something. – He’s yakking away,
tension’s building – Hey, you, sir. the audience is like, “Hey, turn
around.” Maybe the person behind him even interrupts him – Can we talk
to you for a second? – Just like that. And then, when it would be
ridiculous to go on even one second longer – My name is David Chase. –
Do you mind? Only then does he say, exasperated, “What? What do you
want?” I want your face on billboards, you beautiful nonsensical clown
prince. – Doggie-doggie what now? – [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.] Kid,
how’d you like to be the star of “Untitled Horsin’ Around Knockoff”? Me,
a star? But I have no experience, no formal training. Hey, you, you
don’t need any of those things. You got “it.” Ohh [THEME MUSIC
PLAYING.] [DIANE.] Hey, BoJack, it’s me again. [YAWNS.] Hmm?
[GROANS.] I haven’t heard from you in, like, three months, so I’m
calling again to make sure you’re okay. [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.] What’s
new with me? Well Monocle? No, I think you’re thinking of Mr. Peanut.
[DIANE.] I don’t know if you heard but Mr. Peanutbutter is running for
governor, kind of. I want a comprehensive crisscross of cold calls to
Contra Costa County. I mean, Christ, people, get me signatures. First,
they need to get Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz recalled, which is
basically impossible. So that actually makes it really easy for me to be
supportive. – [SMOOCHING.] – [CHUCKLES.] – How’s the recall effort?
– Stupendous! Uh, no. We’re about 4,000 signatures shy of stupendous,
and the deadline’s in a week. Even if you don’t get all the signatures,
I’ll still be proud of you. Maybe even more so. But when we do get the
signatures we need – please note I said “when,” not “if” – Noted. then
the campaign will begin in oh, where did you say again, Katrina?
Earnest. When we get the signatures, the campaign will begin in earnest.
Right. Earnest, California. Earnest is not a city in Cal Why do I try?
Looks like you two have everything worked out. Just please note that I
am being supportive. Noted! [DIANE.] Most women wouldn’t like having
their husband’s ex-wife hanging around all the time, but I’m totally
cool with it because she makes me look super chill by comparison. Oh, uh
okay. Anyway, call me back. This is Diane, by the way. Nguyen,
obviously. You sure you wouldn’t rather just play a governor in a movie
or TV show? I could attach Tommy Schlamme to direct. Tommy Schlamme,
shmommy Schlamme. This is bigger than all that. Don’t you recall? –
Recall what? – The governor. We need signatures. Oh, sure. Where do you
stand on the issues? Oh, he doesn’t stand anywhere on issues because
he’s not running for governor yet. I’m mainly for people right now and
also for the future. [GROANS.] Listen, I’m not feeling so hot. Why
don’t you go get signatures downstairs. Jennifer Garner’s in the lobby.
She’ll sign on to anything. Judah! Can I get your John Wilkes Hancock?
Oh, I never developed a signature. I find them unnecessarily
ostentatious. But I can print my name legibly. Thank you, Rain Man-bun.
That’ll do nicely. – Okay. – [GROANING.] Ralph dropped this off for
you. “I always make a beeline to see my feline.” Aww! Also, you wanted
me to remind you about FX’s American Dead Girl miniseries. Oh, that’s
right! What train wreck are we rubbernecking at this year? They’re doing
the Sarah Lynn story and they’re looking for someone to play BoJack. Oh!
[RETCHING, COUGHING.] Well, as I was saying, FX is looking for a
BoJack Horseman [RETCHING, CLEARING THROAT.] Ugh! – Horseman Ho –
[RETCHING.] – [MOANING.] – So, as we discussed earlier, is this one
of the moments where you would want privacy? You know what I’d do if I
had eight million dollars? – Yeah, you’d give it to the waitress. – Oh,
no, no, no. I mean, if I had eight million dollars now, I’d start a
company that makes remote-controlled drones. But these drones have a
seat hanging from the bottom so you can fly around in it. A drone with a
throne. A drone throne. But if you’re in it, isn’t it not a drone? I
feel like you’re getting really hung up on labels. Well, anyways, with
my eight million dollars I’m starting a new dating app just for firemen
and redheaded women named Emily. Aww, you don’t need an app, just hang
out with me. Todd, you’re great. What a way to end a sentence. But I
want a boyfriend who isn’t asexual. Whoa. Why did you call me that? No,
no, it’s not bad. I didn’t mean it negatively. – I was just, like,
stating it. – I’m not that word doesn’t describe Okay, okay, I’m sorry,
whatever you call yourself, you’re my friend and I support you. But
sometimes labels can be helpful. Wow. Well, I would label this
conversation “rough”. Here’s the check. And this cow likes getting
tipped. [DIANE.] Hey, BoJack, it’s me again, voicemail number 17. Did
I tell you I’m working at a blog? I wrote a story about an all-girl
refugee kickball league. It didn’t get as many clicks as Gillian’s story
about how in certain pictures you can see the outline of Chris
Hemsworth’s penis but, you know, we’re all contributing in our own ways.
Anyway, it’s weird not having you around. I hope you’re okay, wherever
you are. “I’m so smitten with my favorite little adult cat.” Oh! I love
it. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the Paul Blart 3: Till Death Do Us
Blart premiere last night. I had a doctor’s appointment. – Whoa. Is
everything okay? – Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. I don’t like not knowing where
you are, especially when we live three freeways and an unprotected left
turn away from each other. I was thinking, what if you move somewhere
closer to me, like into my house? Oh. [STAMMERS.] Wow! Would you,
could you, with a mouse? I I could, and I would, but it’s not a good
time. Oh, okay. – I’m sorry. – No, no, it’s fine. There’s no hurry. –
We’re still young, right? – Oh, yeah, I’m super young. Blake Lively
accidentally called me Mommy yesterday, but I’m sure she does that to
other young women all the time. [MOANING, SLURPING.] [DOORBELL
RINGS.] [GASPS.] Churro-flavored waffles! – [DOORBELL RINGING.] –
Huh? [GASPS.] Drone Throne. Whoa, whoa! Okay, Todd. Whoa! Oh, God,
today’s the day. I haven’t been this nervous since Diane was vacuuming
during a thunderstorm on the Fourth of July, I had to take a bath, and
there was a stranger in our yard. There’s no need to be nervous, or calm
for that matter because you’ve already lost. We’re 1,600 signatures
short and the clock runs out at 9:00 AM. So it’s gonna take a miracle,
huh? [BUZZER BLARING.] Oh, no! It’s over. Everyone can get out of my
house now. Ooh, tough break, kid. We’re all in shock. McG! Are you still
looking for a star for your transgender Teddy Roosevelt Planes, Trains
and Automobiles reboot, Plans, Trans, A Man, A Canal, Panama? Because
someone just became available. Whoa! Whoa! I don’t understand what
happened. Let me put it in terms your dumb dog brain can comprehend. All
your life people have been throwing you bones because they like you, but
everyone has a ceiling to their likability. This is a bone you can’t
have, because people just don’t like you enough. – I’m sorry,
Mr. Peanutbutter. – You know, it’s funny. Personally I like Woodchuck
and he’s a fine governor, but for some reason, even though I have zero
qualifications, I honestly thought I would have made an even better
governor. – Well, what matters is you tried. – But I would have been
good, right? Now that there’s no chance you will ever be governor, I can
tell you honestly – Yes. You would have been great. – [CHUCKLES.]
Stop. But seriously, though, elaborate. You care about people, you
up on. So what you’re saying is I shouldn’t give up? – On those
qualities. – Yeah. Never concede. – Stick it out, stay in the race. – Uh
no Uh, maybe we should get Katrina’s two cents on this. – Katrina? –
Race. That’s it, Diane! You diabolical Thin Mint. You, and only you, are
responsible for the great thing I am about to do. Katrina? –
[APPLAUSE.] – [DEEP BREATH.] Thank you, thank you. Moments ago I
found myself in what seemed to be a no-win situation. But it turns out
it was a “Nguyen situation.” I’m referring of course to my supportive
wife Diane Nguyen, – who told me to never give up! – [GROANS.] And
that’s why I am challenging Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz – to a ski
race down Devil’s Mountain. – What? No more petitions or fancy ballot
initiatives, just a mano a mano, no-holds-barred slippery slalom down an
ice-covered peak. Winner gets to be governor, loser goes home. Your
move, Governor. Mic drop! – [FEEDBACK SQUEAL.] – [CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE.] – Aaah! – [CHEERING.] [WOODCHUCK.] What the hell is he
talking about? It sounds like he’s challenging you to a ski race down
Devil’s Mountain. What an absurd conceit. Do I even need to respond to
this? No, sir. Because I’d rather focus on my drought relief
optimization using geohydration technology, or DROUGHT plan. If I know
anything, this story will go away in a couple of days. Now
Mr. Peanutbutter, you challenged Woodchuck to a ski race a month ago.
Not just any ski race, a high-stakes dash down Devil’s Mountain – for
the governorship itself. – But still no comment from the governor. Why
won’t he race you? That’s what I want to know. You and me both, friendo.
But this isn’t an us-ocracy, it’s a dem-ocracy. – [AUDIENCE.] Ooh! –
So let’s ask “dem” what “dey” think. – [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.] – Any
questions for the governor, folks? [AUDIENCE CHANTS.] Why won’t
Woodchuck race? So, to be clear, my DROUGHT plan is actually a drought
relief plan. I see now how that’s confusing. Any other questions? Are
you going to race Mr. Peanutbutter? Any questions about the DROUGHT
plan? To ski or not to ski? That was the question posed by William
Shakespeare and it’s perhaps even more relevant today. Of course, there
are reasons why a gubernatorial election should not be decided by a ski
race, but are there also reasons why it should? For the sake of
“fairness” we’ve brought in two experts with opposite opinions who will
now have equal time to just say those opinions because that’s what news
is. You think they’ll really race down Devil’s Mountain? What do I care?
As long as I’ve got my giant bag of kettle corn, that’s the only thing
that concerns me. – [TODD GRUNTS.] – [GASPS.] – What the? – Drone
Throne strikes again! Ha ha! Get back here with my kettle corn! You
can’t call it a drone if you’re riding on it. Suckers! Hooray! Ha ha! Oh
oh, no! Aw, man. I was hoisted by my own petard, the one petard I
thought would never hoist me. [WOODCHUCK.] Unprecedented poppycock.
This poppycock has no precedent. Maybe it’s time to make a statement.
Madeline, no. This outlandish buffoonery is beneath the office of the
governor. I can’t defile the legacy of my predecessors who built the
Golden Gate Bridge, irrigated the Central Valley, and played Mr. Freeze
in a Batman movie. Can’t you see this thing is eating you alive? Do it
for us, Woodcharles. Do it for us. [GROANS.] And so this ski race
would be both undemocratic and unconstitutional, which is why I will not
be racing Mr. Peanutbutter down Devil’s Mountain. What if the state
constitution were changed to allow it? – Then would you race
Mr. Peanutbutter? – I [SIGHS.] Fine. If a state senator wanted to
waste everybody’s time by sponsoring an amendment to the constitution,
and the motion got two-thirds majority in both houses so as to allow a
democratically-elected governor to accept a ski race challenge for his
office, then yes, I would race Mr. Peanutbutter. Well, I guess that puts
that idea to bed, right? – Hmm. – Right? – Hmm [CHUCKLES.] – Right?!
You want me to sponsor a ski race amendment to the constitution? Or you
could sponsor the amendment that has a hidden rider doubling farm
subsidies in your district. – Inglewood could use some farms. – That’s
right. I do have these campaign donors uh, I mean, constituents who
Uh-huh. I’ve always wanted to drive across a bridge to Hawaii. – Can we
do that? – You got it. Aloha! [GIGGLES.] Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Whoo!
[CHUCKLES.] It tickles. [SIGHS.] I’m astounded that it has come to
this. But since the exorbitantly expensive and astonishingly titled I
Love California amendment is now law, I formally accept
Mr. Peanutbutter’s challenge to a ski race. It happens that I’m an
excellent skier who won numerous medals in the sport when I raced for
Dartmouth but, again, I am shocked that fact is relevant in the matter
of selecting our state’s governor. Mr. Peanutbutter, I will see you on
Devil’s Mountain. – Whoa! – This is insane. You could actually become
governor by winning a race. Yeah. Wow. You know, it’s days like this I
wish I knew how to ski. – You don’t ski? – Never really got into it, no.
Then why did you challenge the governor to a ski race? [CHUCKLES.] I
didn’t think it would get this far. You gotta admit, this is pretty out
there. Well, I guess that’s it. Oh, well. Tough break. Bye forever,
Katrina. No, this is not over. This is just beginning. Mr. Peanutbutter,
you’re going to ski school. Doggie-doggie what now? [DIANE.] Hey,
BoJack, it’s me again. Where are you, I’m worried, hope you’re not dead,
etc you get it. Anyway, things are even crazier around here lately.
Don’t know if you’ve seen the news, but I really wish you were here for
this. Well, I’m off to ski school so I can learn how to ski, so I can
become the governor. [DIANE.] You’d say something like, “That’s the
dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Sounds great, sweetheart. But as the old
saying goes, that’s politics. [DIANE.] Then you’d probably say, “A,
that’s not an old saying and, B, that’s not politics! Nothing about that
is politics.” This is so great! Then you would be so overwhelmed by the
unbearable ludicrousness of the situation that you would get in your car
and drive to Hawaii, which is also a thing you could do now because of a
new bill that cost our state billions of dollars. It’s all so great!
[SIGHS.] You know, it’s funny, because the last time I saw you you
told me that you needed me in your life, and then you just disappeared.
So how do you think that makes me feel? Well, wherever you are, I hope
you’re happy. I really do, BoJack. Also, I haven’t seen Todd in a while.
He’s not with you, is he? [MUNCHING.] Oh, simple kettle corn. Between
the worlds of the sweet and the savory. Not quite popcorn, not quite
candy. – What are we? – [CAWING.] Hey, get away! Get, get! [GASPING,
CHOKING.] Wow, my first day at ski academy. What collegiate shenanigans
will befall me? There will be no shenanigans on my watch. Professor
Thistlethorpe, the famously humorless yet somehow also lovable ski
instructor? Peanutbutter, is it? Everything about you disgusts me. Uh
And yet, there might be something in you after all. You really mean it?
This shall be my greatest challenge. Meet me on the summit tomorrow at
daybreak. Well, it is daybreak and here we are at the summit. First
lesson, break your skis in half. Oh, I don’t have skis. Was I supposed
to bring skis? – You didn’t say that. – No bother. They shan’t be
required. Instead, read this book of poetry. I’ll see you in the
classroom. Ah, there you are. Did you read the book of poetry? No! I
forgot to. – Excellent. – I’m sor Excellent? My assignment was a test.
power – Oh! and you have spoken it eloquently. You are my finest
student. I love you. [COUGHING.] – Are you okay, professor? – Just a
cough. I’m sure it’s nothing. You can come by tomorrow for your diploma.
I can’t believe ski school is already over. Professor Thistlethorpe?
Professor Thistlethorpe! [WEAKLY.] Remember everything I taught you. I
will. Also, if you have any tips for skiing, that would be really
helpful. The most important part of skiing is to keep your legs ben
[SOBBING.] Who’s Ben? Devil’s Mountain is the place, skiing is the
sport. I’m uncomfortable. It’s cold out. Tell me, who do you think will
win today’s bout and what does it mean for the future of California? I
hate winter sports. I want to go inside and drink a cider. – [STARTER’S
PISTOL FIRING.] – And they’re off! [GRUNTS, YELLING.] [TOM.]
Woodchuck, off to a great start. Mr. Peanutbutter seems to be employing
some sort of awkwardly falling down technique. – Any sign of them? –
Nothing yet. – Oh! I made you a card. – You did? [CHUCKLES.] Oh, wow,
it’s sparkly. Sorry, I went a little overboard with the glitter and a
little underboard with the glue. [RALPH.] “Let’s move in together. I
think I’m ready now.” This is great. Are you sure, though, because last
time you seemed a little hesitant. – No, I was just a little pregnant. –
Oh! I was gonna tell you, really, but then before I could tell you there
was nothing to tell you. Oh. I’m so sorry. I still wish you would’ve
told me. I have a card for that. On the front it says, “Life isn’t
fairage.” I’m sorry. I just felt dumb because all my life I’ve wanted a
family. But I didn’t want it to happen just because I got pregnant by
accident – and then you got stuck with me. – Okay, first of all, if I
get stuck to something, you’re the prettiest glue trap I ever saw. – You
know what I mean. – Second, if that’s how you feel, maybe you shouldn’t
get pregnant by accident. – Well, I didn’t try to! – No. I’m saying
maybe we should get you pregnant on purpose. – Really? – Yeah. We love
each other, and we enjoy having sex with each other and we’re good at
having sex with each other. And also, I think you’d be an amazing
mother. – [SIGHS.] – Even Blake Lively thinks so. Ah, still got it.
Yes! [GRUNTING, YELLING.] Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! Ohh! Get control.
Woodchuck in the lead, still in the lead. Woodchuck remains very much in
the lead. Goodbye, dear friend. You served me well. [GASPS.] Okay, all
right, here we go. Mr. Peanutbutter? Ohh! [YELLING.] [GRUNTING,
GASPING.] [YELLING.] [GASPING.] [PANTING.] I see Woodchuck! Yes!
Go, Woodcharles! Oh whoa [GRUNTS.] Whoa! Oh, my God. Todd forever!
Whaa! – [CROWD GASPING.] – Ow, ow, ow, ow! [GRUNTS.] – [CROWD
CHEERING.] – Invictus! – [GROANING, GRUNTS.] – Ooh! Ooh. –
[MOANING.] – Oh ohh. – Did I win? – Come on, honey. Let’s go home. –
[APPLAUSE.] – Well, I hope that settles it. We can finally put an end
to this nonsense. Sir, the rules are clear: the first person to cross
the finish line becomes governor, and, well, a strange boy fell out of
the sky and crossed the line first. They’re swearing him in now. – So
help me Todd. – Congratulations, Governor Chavez. [CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE.] You know, ever since I first became governor I’ve thought,
“I don’t want to be governor” and that’s where I am now. So, can I not
be governor? [GROANING AND GASPING.] You’d like to resign? Yeah. I’m
just really not into labels right now. Maybe after some soul searching
I’ll be ready to really know what I am. But for right now, I think I
speak for all Californians when I say, “I ate too much kettle corn while
drifting through the sky on an out of control drone throne.” Okay, is
this charade over? Can I be governor again? Sir, we live in a society of
laws. When a governor resigns, that triggers a special election. Until
which, the governor’s seat shall remain vacant. – [ALL GASPING.] –
Election, you say? Mr. Peanutbutter, will you run? – You bet I will, and
you know why? – No, tell me. Because this whole ski race was a joke. Of
course Woodchuck was gonna beat me. He went to Dartmouth. So where’s the
candidate for regular schmoes like me, – who went to Northwestern? – Is
he serious right now? You know, Governor Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz
thinks he’s better than us, but is he better than us? – [CROWD.] No! –
Uh, if I could say a few words He thinks the race is over. Well, I say
it’s just starting. And he wants me to sit and stay and roll over? – No!
– I say California’s tired of rolling over. What do you say? –
[CROWD.] Yeah! – [WOMAN.] I’m tired. I say it’s time for me to stand
up and speak. – [CHEERING.] – Diane-Diane what now? So loud as you
can, let me hear what you want. [CHANTING.] Peanutbutter!
Peanutbutter! – Uh, citizens – I can’t hear you! Peanutbutter!
Peanutbutter! – Peanutbutter! – [NERVOUS CHUCKLE.] – Peanutbutter! –
Friends, some decorum, please. – Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! –
[GRUNTS.] Ah! [PANTING.] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter!
Peanutbutter! [LINE RINGING.] – [VOICEMAIL.] The mailbox belonging
to – BoJack Horsemack – Horseman oh, wait, how do I – [VOICEMAIL.] is
full. Goodbye. Back in the ‘90s I was in a very famous TV show
[LAUGHING.] – I’m Mr. Peanutbutter – Ooh, yeah Now tell me How can I
get no votes? Yeah, I’m for the future Yeah, everyone will get a free TV
– All right! – I’ll put my face on billboards The entire world will see
Yeah, I promise peace and love Across this broken land Yeah, I’m your
governor Mr. Peanutbutter man I’m tasty and good-lookin’ ’Cause that’s
just who I am Go vote! Boxer vs. Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
4 2 The Old Sugarman Place 1 [GALLOPING.] [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
[NOTIFICATION CHIME.] [“A HORSE WITH NO NAME” PLAYING.] On the first
part of the journey I was looking at all the life There were plants and
birds And rocks and things There was sand and hills and rings The first
thing I met Was a fly with a buzz And the sky with no clouds The heat
was hot And the ground was dry But the air was full of sound I’ve been
through the desert On a horse with no name [NOTIFICATION CHIME.] It
felt good to be out of the rain In the desert You can’t remember your
name ‘Cause there ain’t no one For to give you no pain La la la-la-la la
La-la-la la-la La-la la la-la-la la La-la-la la-la After two days in the
desert sun My skin began to turn red After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a riverbed And the story it told Of a river that flowed
On a horse with no name It felt good to be out of the rain In the desert
You can’t remember your name ’Cause there ain’t no one For to give you
no pain La la la-la-la la La-la-la la-la La-la la la-la-la la La-la-la
la-la [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.] Oh, the beautiful gals of ’44 Fill my
head when I’m off to war – [BIG BAND JAZZ PLAYING.] – [LAUGHING.] –
[KNOCK AT DOOR.] – Oh! [SNIFFING.] All right, Beatrice, you got a
good whiff. Now step away from your father’s breakfast before he catches
you a-sniffin’ and gives you a spankin’. – [DOOR OPENS.] – Yes,
Mother. Well, the photographer’s here. Where is Crackerjack? He was
aware that we’re posing for a family photo portrait. I’ve got to ankle
back to Indianapolis. If the government is rationing sugar, can’t you
ration work? It is summer, after all. Oh, that would be a dream, but who
else but I will make sure the numbers add up and compliment my secretary
on her tight sweaters? We do appreciate the sacrifices you make, Joseph.
[LAUGHTER.] Then after a long day of killing Nazis we’ll sit in a beer
garden and enjoy a pint. All right, Crackerjack, time’s a-tickin’. We
need to take this portrait before you and I both take a powder. Sally,
why don’t you get yourself some freezy pops, – and keep the change. –
[CHUCKLES.] Aww, I want a freezy pop. Oh, Beatrice, you know iced
cream is for boys. You can sprinkle some sugar on a lemon. That’s a good
healthy girl snack. Oh, all right. Crackerjack, you look so handsome in
your soldier suit, like a young Clark Gerbil. – [HUMMING.] – [PLAYING
MELODY.] Not now, you two. Oh, we’ll be as quick as a pour of warm
molasses. – I will always think of you – I will always – Drink a brew,
I’ll see your face – Come now, be serious. When each day is through –
And days go past – Oh, so fast [TOGETHER.] But memories, they last
[LAUGHING.] All right. Believe it or not, time’s arrow neither stands
still nor reverses. It merely marches forward. Oh, really? Time’s arrow
marches? I didn’t know arrows had legs. “Look at me, I’m a marchin’
arrow.” [LAUGHTER.] Honey Sugarman, how did such a sweet face end up
with such a smart mouth? I don’t know, but I’ve got half a mind – to
kiss you with that smart mouth. – Well, that half you can keep. Oh! I
almost forgot. Say, if it isn’t my old baby blanket, Blinky. I thought
you could take it with you. Mama, I don’t need no Blinky blankie to
fight ninny Nazis. – Bea, will you hold on to it for me? – [GASPS.] –
Me? – That’s right. I’ll fight better if I know Blinky’s safe with you.
– [KISSES.] – Ohh. All right, folks, this is for posterity, so don’t
forget to look far away sad. [FLASHBULB POPS.] [MOANING.] [SIGHS,
MUTTERS.] – [SQUEAKING.] – [GASPS.] [GRUNTS.] – Hey, I’m Tamara,
that’s Tamera. – [GASPS.] – Hey. – I don’t need any help, thanks. –
Are you – Ryan Gosling? No. – I get that all the time, it’s – No, BoJack
Horseman. – No, sorry. – See? That guy’s way too fat to be BoJack. – I’m
not too fat to be BoJack. – Yeah, BoJack is much fatter, right? – No,
BoJack is not fatter. – So you’re fatter? – No! We are both equally not
fat. – Right. You know who looks like BoJack Horseman? Phil the stock
boy. – [BRAYING.] – Yeah, I see it. Are you kidding me? He looks
nothing like me Meester Horseman. So you were with Sarah Lynn when she
died, right? – No. – TMZ said you took her to the hospital. – And you
held her hand. – Did you cry? – I’m not – Did she totally poop her
pants? I heard people poop their pants when they die. – Listen to me –
God, is that true? Because I just read Romeo and Juliet and that totally
changes things. – [FAUCET SQUEAKS.] – [PLUMBING RATTLES.]
[LAUGHS.] All right! Ow! [GROANS.] No! [GRUNTING.] Ohhh!
[GRUNTING.] [GLASS SHATTERING.] [GROWLING.] Hey, Not BoJack, did
you hear they’re making a miniseries about Sarah Lynn? – BoJack is being
played by Paul Giamatti. – What?! Why would you get Paul Giamatti to
play me meaty roles like that one? Hey, buddy, is any of that to fix the
door? – What do you care? – I don’t. And if it were up to me, that old
house would’ve been torn down years ago. It’s a blight on the
neighborhood. And that broken door is the cherry on the top of the shit
sandwich. What kind of a sandwich has cherries on top? A shitty one. How
AND GROANS.] [GRUNTING.] Oh, darling, don’t lift that. You’ll rupture
your uterus. I’m sad to leave the summer house. Well, it’ll always be
here, just like polio and blackface. Hey, we got a saying in Michigan:
“Put your damn door back on or you’re gonna freeze to death, you stupid
horse!” – Hey, what’s your name? – Eddie. Eddie, why don’t you mind your
goddamn business? [SHUDDERING.] Tell me, Doc, is she gonna be okay? I
know it’s here somewhere. Darling, we’ve been over this. He doesn’t need
his blanket. – [DOCTOR.] Nothing we could do. – I need to find it. –
He should’ve had it. – [GIAMATTI.] She’s dead? He’s gone, honey. Even
Blinky couldn’t have stopped that Nazi’s bullet. Oh, Joseph, I failed
him. Oh, Doc, I let her down. [DOCTOR.] This was bound to happen.
That’s just show business. – That’s just war, honey. – [SOBBING.] Here
it is, Mother. I put it in the closet for safekeeping. – I never should
have let him go. – Honey, no. If anyone’s to blame, it’s the Jews for
peeving off Hitler so bad. [GIAMATTI.] Three little orphans One, two,
three Without a home or a family tree [RINGING.] We were lost Now
we’re found And we’re [CRYING.] Oh, God! [SOBBING.] Come on, let’s
head home. It’s only ghosts here in the winter. – [SIGHS.] –
[GIAMATTI SOBBING.] [RUSTLING, HAMMERING.] What? Wait. [RATTLING.]
Hey, did you fix my door? That is a dick move, buddy! [GRUNTING.] What
are you are you insane? – [HAMMERING.] – What the? Hey! Stop fixing my
door, asshole! [GRUNTING.] Why did you fix this so good? If you keep
breaking it, I’m gonna break you. Well, call me a Kit Kat bar because
point. What the hell? – [WHIRRING.] – Do you even know how to
anything? I plastered this wall, didn’t I? Uh oh oh, oh [SCOFFS.] I
believe something got plastered. The problem is I can’t get the right
supplies because the girls at the hardware store are so annoying. Heh!
You’re telling me! Tamera and Tamara are the worst. Yeah. “Hey, Tamara,
how about you get some manners ta-day?” [SIGHS.] Let me get my
toolkit. Yeah, fine, you can help, a little. If it means so much to you,
I will let you help me. Oh. How come you don’t go away for winter like
everyone else? – I don’t fly. – Okay. – So, like, in an airplane, then?
– I don’t fly. You don’t have to fly the plane. They got this new thing
now, it’s called being a passenger. I have to ask, are you – BoJack
Horseman? No. – What? Who’s BoJack Horseman? Who’s BoJack Horseman? He’s
a very famous TV and film star. Or he was, yeah, before he gave it all
up for a life of quiet anonymity. Where is he? Nobody knows. Perhaps a
small town just like this one. Perhaps he’s even in this very room. But
he’s not, ‘cause I’m not BoJack Horseman. Okay. What I was going to ask
was if you were related to Joseph Sugarman, or if you were just
squattin’ in his house? My grandfather. I used to come here in the
summers when I was a kid. Hasn’t got much use in the last 25 years,
except for the termites. Get on out of here, Bobby and Susan! I saw you
gnawin’! Yeah, well, there isn’t any more of us. I’m the last of my
line. Once my mother dies and I die that’ll be it, which is probably for
the best. No more of you? [CHUCKLES.] – That’ll be great. – Oh, thank
you. That was the reaction I was going for. [SANDER SCRAPING.] I guess
that’s it. Have a nice life, Hambone. – Why’d you call me Hambone? – You
told me that’s your name: Hambone Fake-name-ington. Oh, right, right,
right, right, right. This is the first summer we’ll spend here without
him. Yes, I suppose that’s true. But, as they say, time’s arrow marches
forward. You hear that, honey? Time’s arrow marches. [SONG MELODY,
SLOWLY.] [SOBBING, SIGHS.] Ohh Well, I’d love to stay, but I must be
going. As a modern American man I am woefully unprepared to manage a
woman’s emotions. I was never taught, and I will not learn. Take care,
you two. [PANTING.] [TIRES SCREECHING.] – [SOBBING.] – [PLAYING
DIFFERENT MELODY.] Huh. Look at this. Yes, you have a very attractive
mother. What? No. Why would I? Forget that. – Look at that weather vane.
– Ah. The house isn’t finished yet. We can’t stop till we find that
weather vane. Ooh! I know where this is. Oh. Uh, all right. [EDDIE.]
Oh, lordy. [CHUCKLING.] A bit more is that it? Oh, yeah, that’s right.
– Oh. – [EDDIE CHUCKLING.] – Hey, there it is! – Oh, hey! You can’t be
in here! Why’d you say you can’t fly? Who’s that other person you’re
clearly in love with? I never said I can’t fly, I said I don’t fly. If
you want help with that weather vane you’ll clam up, Hambone! Fine. Keep
probably-related dumb fear of flying. See if I care. [“STARS & STRIPES
FOREVER” PLAYING.] – [FIREWORKS POPPING.] – [BEATRICE GASPS AND
COOS.] What are those fireworks for, Mother? Those are because the war
is over. We’ve dropped bombs on Japan and now everyone is happy. –
Shouldn’t we be celebrating? – Yes. Yes! Let’s paint the town scarlet,
crimson, and ruby! Why, I’ve got half a mind to paint things redder than
the banks of Normandy! Ha ha! What? Too soon? The Crab Brothers who run
this place are total scavengers. If it can be pinched, they’ll pilfer
it. Ooh! It’s still there! I’ll make a distraction at the piano, you
climb up, get the weather vane. Oh, of course, the twelve hundred
[MUFFLED MUTTERING.] pound horse will shimmy up a drain pipe to get
it, that makes more sense than the dragonfly, who has the word “fly” in
the name of what he is. Okay, all right, so you’ve gone now. You walked
away, while I make my point. – Mother, can I get a freezy pop? – Sure,
darling. – You can have whatever you want. – Attention, everyone! I’m
gonna play a song now, so look at me! Do not look up at the roof of that
barn! [GRUNTS.] Idiot. [PLAYING MELODY.] I will always think of you
I see your face When each day’s through And days go past Oh, so fast
[TOGETHER.] But memories, they last Huh. – Summer, winter, year by
year – Year by year I’ll hear this song Inside my ear – Try to restart –
That’d be smart [TOGETHER.] But thoughts of you Haunt my heart – No, I
don’t want to be alone now – Oooh – Oooh – Just biding my time I need
somebody dearly And darling, you’d be sublime [HONEY.] Spring and
autumn, up and down [EDDIE.] Up and down – I keep trying to escape
this town – And I just might I’ll take flight [TOGETHER.] Maybe
tomorrow, not tonight [LIGHT APPLAUSE.] – Mother? – Oh! – [BIG BAND
MUSIC PLAYING.] – [GASPS.] [GULPING.] Ahh! Sal! Oh, Sally! – Oh!
Mrs. Sugarman. – What happened when he got shot? Was it quick? Did he
suffer? – Hey, Eddie, come on. Eddie, let’s go! – [SOBBING.] – Hey!
That’s not yours! – Yeah! We stole that fair and square. – Mrs. S. –
[SOBBING.] – [BOJACK.] Aaah! – Hey, gimme that! – [HONEY WAILING.]
– Please! – Mother? Why did everybody stop, huh? What’s the gag? I want
to dance. I want to fly! [SOBBING.] Listen, you’re sloshed and making
a scene. Do the responsible thing: have one more drink to steady your
nerves and then drive yourself and your young daughter home. Don’t make
me go back to that quiet house, please. – Mother, let’s go. – Eddie,
let’s go! – Are you all right? – It’s okay. I’m okay. My hands are doing
the wiggly doozle in three-four time, but Say, I got a swell idea. Why
don’t you drive? But I don’t know how. Why, it’s only as easy as finding
a hobo in a barrel of beans. It’ll be grand. Everything will be just
grand. – [BOJACK LAUGHING.] – [EDDIE.] Whoo! – [SHOUTING.] – Get
back here! Aaah! [GASPS.] – Jeepers! – [SOBBING.] Yeah! We’re
hooligans! Faster. I want to feel alive again. I’d do anything to feel
alive. – [SCREAMING.] – [METAL CRUNCHING.] [EDDIE LAUGHING.] I
gotta say, you really knew how to handle those salad tongs for someone
who appears to have never eaten a salad. Yeah? Well, you got a nice set
of pipes. You’re like a Josh Groban who doesn’t also think he’s funny.
[GRUNTS.] Okay, now, the house is absolutely, totally finished. Wow. I
wish I could somehow pay you back for all your help. Don’t sweat it.
Hey, Eddie. – Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa! – [CRASHING.] – Ow! [GROANS.] –
What are you doing? What the hell’d you do that for? I don’t know, I
thought you would fly to save me and by making you fly I would, in a
sense, be saving you! How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t fly!
You’re flying right now, asshole! [GASPS, GROANS.] – Why’d you make me
do that? – [GROANS.] You’re welcome. I haven’t flown since Lorraine
died, and now you ruined it. Okay. Obviously, this was not the preferred
outcome for either of us. You want to fly? All right, let’s fly.
[GRUNTS.] – Oh, shit. No, I’m fine, actually. – You want to go higher?
You want to see how high we can go? Clearly, this is a sore subject. I
was wrong to bring it up. Let’s go back down. The night Lorraine died
she wanted to go back, but I wanted to see how high we could go. Whoa!
Plane! Look out! You want to know how Lorraine felt when she got sucked
into that engine? – We’re all just tiny bugs, right? – [GROANING.]
Aaaah! [PANTING.] Oh, God. No, no, come on. – Come on. – [COUGHING.]
Are you insane?! I don’t want to live! Why did you save me? [SOBBING.]
I don’t want to live! [CRYING.] What were you thinking, hoofing around
the dance floor like a motorized freckle? – Did you snap your cap? – You
mustn’t despise me, darling. – Please. – That’s before mentioning poor
Beatrice. You aiming to get her killed as well? She’s all we got. Oh,
don’t be cross with Mother! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. How am I
supposed to sell sugar and keep my secretary’s self-esteem afloat when
you’re having honest-to-goodness fits of hysteria? – Don’t yell, Father.
– I just can’t anymore. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t be with
people and I can’t be alone. I don’t know how to be better, Joseph. –
Please fix me. I want to be better. – [DOOR OPENS.] [PANTING.] –
[PHONE BEEPS.] – [LINE RINGING.] [MUFFLED GASP.] BoJack? Where are
you? Are you okay? [PANTING.] I don’t know. I’m so sorry. It’s okay.
Talk to me. What’s going on? [BOJACK.] It’s Michigan, and it’s
beautiful here, – and everything sucks. – Michigan? – BoJack, come home.
– I can’t. I don’t belong there, I don’t belong anywhere. But that’s the
thing, everybody belongs in Los Angeles. – There’s, like, no barrier for
entry. – Oh, God, that’s true. [SIGHS.] They do let in just anybody. I
was at a coffee shop yesterday, I heard a guy trying to impress someone
by soft-pitching a web series he crowdfunded. Let me guess: the web
series is about how funny he and his friends are, – just, like, hanging
out. – He described it as HBO’s Girls – but, like, from a guy’s
perspective. – What?! And he’s just giving this away for free in a
coffee shop? Somebody get this guy an overall! Well, the important thing
is that barista’s definitely going to have sex with him later.
[CHUCKLING.] I’ve missed you, Diane. I’ve missed you, too. Mmm.
[SLURPING.] – Is Mother okay? – She is now. She just let her womanly
emotions get the better of her, that’s all. Nothing a little operation
couldn’t fix. Operation? What’s broken in the heart can never be
repaired, but the brain, well, we have all sorts of science for the
brain. She’s a brand new woman now, and she’d like to meet you very
much. [NOTE PLAYS.] – Mother? – Oh, hello. It’s Beatrice. Yes, that’s
right. What a pretty girl. – What did they do to you? [SOBS.] – Oh,
hush. It’s okay. I’m better now. I don’t understand. Love does things to
a person, terrible things. [SNIFFLES, SIGHS.] Beatrice, promise me
you’ll never love anyone – as much as I loved Crackerjack. – I promise.
I won’t. Why, I have half a mind [TRUCK ADVANCING, BEEPING.] Keep
going, keep going, keep going. There we go, big boy. Hey, what’s going
on out here? Probably should have warned you, when these guys tear the
house down it might make some noise. Tear the house down?! Uh, yeah. You
think I just want to mope around in a shrine to the past, getting off on
my own guilt while the rest of my life passes me by? Pathetic, much? But
we spent the last eight months restoring this place. Yeah, and then you
tried to kill me. That’s usually a series wrap on a friendship. – What
is a series wrap? – Are you serious? Oh, my God, what am I doing in this
backwash of a town? Do you even get Showtime here? – So what was all
this for? – I don’t know. Guess it was just a big waste of time. But you
can’t change the past. Time’s arrow marches on, right? I don’t believe
this. Well, as a great woman once said, suck a dick, dumbshit.
[GRUNTS.] – Where are you going? – Home. [GLASS SHATTERS.] –
[SMASHING, CLATTERING.] – Back in the ’90s – I was in a very famous TV
show – [WOOD SMASHING, TRUCK BEEPING.] – I’m BoJack the Horseman –
BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying
to hold on to my past – [CLATTERING.] – It’s been so long – I don’t
think I’m gonna last – [WOOD AND GLASS CLATTERING.] I guess I’ll just
try And make you understand – [CRUNCHING AND CLATTERING.] – That I’m
more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus
Raptor. Na-na na-na na-na na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack
Horseman (2014)
4 3 Hooray! Todd Episode! 1 Oh. – He’ll be here. – But his part is in 16
bars. Excuse me. Sorry! I heard before he played triangle he was in a
prison gang. I heard he was a tech millionaire. There is a rumor he is a
foreign prince. His name is Todd Chavez. And he’s the most giving man
the world has ever known. He saved my pregnant daughter from drowning in
a shipwreck, then he delivered her baby while they rode on a piece of
driftwood. And then he circumcised her baby while they both hung from
the ladder of the rescue helicopter. Of course, before he did, Todd
Chavez explained that circumcision has somewhat fallen out of vogue.
They had a spirited but respectful debate, and by the end my daughter
decided that since we are of Jewish heritage, the boy might like to have
the option to become religious if he so chooses. Sounds like he really
helped your daughter make the decision that was right for her family.
And last year, when our triangle player died of starvation after getting
his foot stuck in his triangle, Todd Chavez took over because we needed
him. – What a guy! – He is always helping others. You know, sometimes
when that triangle part is coming up, I find myself hoping he won’t show
up. No man should be asked to give that much. – He is truly the best of
all of – Whoa! Oh, hey, guys. I was eating a taco earlier and I got
salsa on my shirt. I went to clean it off, but then when I put my hands
in the automatic dryer I forgot I was still holding the taco. I got my
hands all greasy, so I couldn’t open the doorknob for an hour. What you
guys talking about? So then at 11:00 you’re gonna be giving a policy
speech on fracking. Fracktastic! Meanwhile, all this talk of whatever it
is you’re talking about – is making me hungry. – Mmm? Cheese? Yes,
cheeses. The issue is fracking and the people really want to know your
opinion. Well, then, color me “the people” because I would also like to
know my opinion. You don’t have one yet. The polling research comes in
today and that will decide whether you’re for or against fracking.
Here’s a thought: maybe be against fracking. – It’s terrible! – Diane.
Just my opinion. You don’t tell me how to do my job. Also, fracking is
the worst. I can’t believe you’d even – consider endorsing it. – Diane.
None of my business. Gotta get to work. Love you! – Bye, hon! – But
seriously, seriously, if you come out in support of fracking I’m gonna
be super upset. Bye! Where you stand on the issue doesn’t really matter.
What’s important is that you seem sincere and emphatic. Ohh. Are you a
fan of charming but inessential Will Smith movies? Because, slight
Hitch, I always show I’m empathic by taking off my glasses dramatically,
but I kinda lost them. Wow! This must be what I’d look like to a
starving shipwrecked person. When did you last see the glasses? I was in
a meeting with Princess Carolyn. She was saying I’m always forgetting
stuff, so I whipped off my glasses, looked her square in the eye and
said, “I never forget a thing.” I might have left my glasses there.
Todd, you never do anything. Why don’t you take the campaign bus over to
VIM and get Mr. Peanutbutter’s glasses? – Can you handle that? – I never
know if I can handle anything. That’s what makes my life so exciting.
Mr. Peanutbutter, there’s a delivery! He’s busy! Just sign for it. I
can’t sign for another man’s mail. That’s how I ended up with the
cremains of Cornelius Vanderbilt. It all started when a young Todd I
don’t have time for this! I’ve got a job to do. – It’s Todd! – It’s me!
You are just the guy I need. You know the actress Courtney Portnoy? I
think so. She portrayed the formerly portly consort in The Seaport
Resort? Courtly roles like the formerly portly consort are Courtney
Portnoy’s forte, but she’s got a new action movie that’s supposed to
change her image: Ms. Taken. You know Mr. Taken from the Taken movies? –
This is his niece. – Nice! This was supposed to be Courtney’s crossover
coronation. But that’s sort of been thwarted, unfortunately, ’cause
Courtney’s purportedly falling short of shoring up four-quadrant
support. Makes perfect sense so far. The public sees her as out of
touch. We need to make her seem relatable, and the best way to do that
is to be seen dating a down-to-earth boring nobody like yourself. You
can do that, right? You’re not doing anything. I’m kind of busy today. I
gotta pick up these glasses, and then tonight there was this meeting I
wanted to go to. This will take no time, I promise. Meet her for lunch.
The paparazzi will show up, pop some razzis. I do love getting my
picture taken. It’s proof I exist. Marvelous! Judah, prepare the press
release. “Portnoy finds joy in hoi polloi boy toy.” Well, we didn’t get
the polling research on fracking – Here you go. – Thank you. Because
apparently when the delivery – came someone wouldn’t sign for it. – Ooh.
In the future, whenever anyone asks you to sign Mr. Peanutbutter’s name,
– just sign it. – You got it, chief. All right, Middle-Aged Yeller,
here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna give an impassioned speech on
fracking that doesn’t actually take a stand either way on fracking.
Okay. Good morning! Let’s talk fracking. Everyone has very strong
opinions about it, and I want you all to know, right here and right now,
I am taking a stand. I am on your side! – What side is that,
specifically? – Good question. I am specifically on the side of the
facts, and also on the side of feelings. Well, I’m satisfied. Oh, excuse
me, would Mr. Peanutbutter be willing to sign this letter to our state
government? Yes. I’ll write his name on anything. Oh, thank you so much.
And down goes Todd. And up comes Todd! Aah! – Whoa! – Stay back! Calm
down, I’m not going to hurt you. My name is Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim-
Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag – Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. – Wait, wait,
wait. – What’s your first name? – Hollyhock. And your last name?
Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-
Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. Got it. – Wait, what’s your last
name? – I know, it’s confusing. – I have eight dads. – How’d that
happen? Test tubes? – No. I was adopted. – Oh, of course. By eight men
in a committed gay polyamorous relationship. – Less of course. – But
ever since I was a baby, people always said I looked like – BoJack
Horseman. – That’s a terrible thing to say to a baby! And I’ve always
wondered if BoJack could be my biological sperm guy. I guess it’s
possible. BoJack used to say his penis is like sun-dried tomatoes: back
in the ’90s it got into everything. I came to L.A. to get to the bottom
of things. I even bought a deluxe spy kit. Sorry about knocking you out.
Once you have chloroform, you can’t not use it. No, I get it. BoJack had
one of those spy kits, too. He mostly just used the chloroform on
himself, though. I read in his book that you live together. – Can you
help me find him? – Sorry. I don’t live there anymore. And no one knows
where he’s been for the last year. I guess I don’t have to meet him. All
I need is a DNA sample, like a piece of hair or something. I guess his
house might have – Whoa! – Sorry again. It’s just so fun. Okay, there
might be some hairs in the shower drain, but hard to know who they
belong to. Everyone who has sex with BoJack usually takes a long shower
afterwards. Hey, I think I see a hair. Oh, no, BoJack. – Yoink! – What
the was – Okay. – Okay, let’s blow. Blow? Who’s got blow? Save some for
BoJack. Huh? Wait, Todd? Oh, shit. Are you gonna yell at me? Can I have
the blow first? No. BoJack, there’s no blow, okay? And I’m not going to
yell at you. – And what is this? – I’m Hollyhock
Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-
Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. Of the New Haven Manheim-
Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson- Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuacks? That
was a joke. Obviously, I’ve never heard of your family and/or law firm.
That was also a joke. Todd, who is this tough crowd you brought to my
home? – Um, BoJack, this is your daught – Mm-mmm, mm-mmm! dot-dot maid.
Way to build up the suspense. To, uh, tidy up the place in case you came
back. You got me a maid? Thank you. Here I thought Channing Tatum was a
good neighbor for picking up my mail while I was gone, but you, and
after all the things I did to you, – I don’t know how to tell you –
BoJack, we haven’t talked in like a year, and that’s actually been kind
of working for me. So, maybe it’s better if we just keep things like
that, you know? Oh. Okay. So then why did you hire me Oh, yeah, deliver
me. You’re welcome. Now go get that DNA tested. Can you tell me if this
is a match? – A match with who? – Hollyhock.
Manheim-Mannheim-Gorilla-Rub-a-Dub-Dub Zoolander-Hallelujah-
something-McDonald’s? Whatever those words are, I need a sample from
her, too. Duh! Bring it in an hour. I gotta get to lunch. Nothing like
working with hair, blood, and semen all day to work up an appetite, and
it’s already 1:00. 1:00? I gotta go meet my fake girlfriend! Oh, you
have a fake girlfriend too? Mine is a bunch of water balloons with a
blonde wig. I suppose a fancy restaurant like this is too fancy for a
common man such as yourself. No, it’s fine. You’d probably like to take
me someplace rough and primitive. Uh do you want me to take you
somewhere else? Well, if you must drag me on some barbaric adventure, I
can’t stop you. There’s a Pony Roma’s at Universal CityWalk. A chain
restaurant? Oh, God, no, I’ll be mugged. I can’t do this. Todd, I can
never be your dirty peasant girl, I’m sorry. – I must abscond. – Wait,
Courtney! Scusi, sir, would you care for a sample of my father’s famous
angel hair pomodoro? Famous father? Hair? Sample? – DNA? – I no say DNA.
I gotta get back to Hollyhock. Hollyhock, I need to get – Did you clean
anything? – No. But I am learning so much about my possibly-maybe birth
father. Like, did you know he has a shoebox in his closet full of bad
reviews for other people’s TV shows? So all you’ve done so far is snoop
around? I also ate a box of donuts, got sleepy and took a nap. Yeah, I’m
not sure we really need to do this DNA test. Look, I didn’t come all
this way to not find out who my biological father is. Okay, fine, then I
just need you to yank out a strand of hair – so I can take it down to
the lab. – No way! That sounds painful. – Can’t we just use your hair? –
Um No. No, but I can pull out some of my hair at the same time, – so you
don’t have to do it alone. – Okay, that sounds fair. On three, we pull.
– One two three! – Ow! Oh, wait, I have this whole comb full of hair in
my bag. Duh! Todd, can I see you for a minute? This maid is the worst. I
passed out again for some reason. When I woke up, the house was messier
than when she started. I don’t mind someone else in the house with me,
in case I start choking on pills or have a funny take on current events
that demands an audience, but if she can’t do her job, I gotta fire her.
You can’t do that! Here, buzz up real nice, take a nap, and while you’re
sleeping, I’ll get the maid to clean so no one has to fire anyone. Well,
we did it. What? I’m helping. I’m cleaning out his DVR. Get it? Okay,
but you got it, right? To-To-To-Todd! Todd’s phone, home of the Todd.
You quarter-wit. Turn on the news. I don’t want to be a manners police,
but a “hello” would be nice. The letter, signed by Mr. Peanutbutter
himself, in full, unambiguous – support of fracking. – Ooh. The
gubernatorial hopeful has until now played coy on the controversial
issue of fra What happened? Randy pass out on his keyboard? Oh, he did?
Oh, my God, is he okay? Well, did someone call Cynthia? No one called
Cynthia?! For Christ’s sake, this isn’t just a newsroom, this is a
family! Jeez, I hope Randy’s okay. Forget Randy. Did you sign that
letter for Mr. Peanutbutter? Yes. Should I have not done the thing you
literally told me to do? Well, I guess we’re pro-fracking now. Hey,
buddy, I just want you to know that while Katrina is filled with
white-hot frustration as she has been for much of this campaign, I’m not
mad. I’m just nervous about what Diane will do when she finds out. But
I’ve got a plan, and it stars you! What? You want me to keep Diane away
from the TV, radio, and Internet? Ohh! That’s a way better idea than I
had. Yeah, do that. Hollyhock, I gotta run. I’ll try to get the hairs
tested today. Just stay here and act maid-like. Ah, okay. Hey, look at
me! I’m dancing. The time is now! Don’t miss out! Okay, Todd, that’s
some good dancing, but I’ve got work to do and you’ve been dancing for
55 minutes?! – What is this? – It’s a new dance. I call it the come on,
stall, Todd. Gotta think of something to call this fake dance you just
made up. Samba. That’s amazing, and you’re amazing, and I want your
to see something that doesn’t make you click, but it does make you
think. Well, it’s not like nobody clicks on my articles. You don’t care
inspire me to be my fiercest self. Buh-buh-buh-bye! To-To-To-Todd!
Todd’s phone. I know when that Toddline bling. What happened at the
restaurant? You disappeared before the paparazzi even got there. The
whole point was to get a picture with her. Oh! Oops. Uh, you want me to
draw a picture from memory? How tall is she? What is she, like, eight
feet? Okay, plan B. She’s gonna be at the Sharc Jacobs fashion show in
30 minutes. There’s an empty seat there for her boyfriend, you. Be
there, get the photo. Got it? Click. So, I gotta go. How do I make
people care about important stuff when all they want to do is read
articles about who got slayed and who owned at the VMAs? When I need
Mr. Peanutbutter to take his heartworm pills, I always hide it in cheese
so he doesn’t know he’s doing something he hates. What if you take your
important stuff and hide it in some juicy gossip? That’s actually a
really good idea. But I don’t know any gossip and I wouldn’t even know
where to look. The Internet? No! Look at me! Because I have potentially
earth-shattering inside info! That beloved famous person, uh Channing
Tatum may have an illegitimate daughter that’s also a Cordovian refugee.
– Are you serious? – I have these two hairs. One is from Channing, the
other is from a baby. If the DNA lab confirms a match, you have your
story. Thanks, Todd. I owe you one. Okay, but if it’s a match, please
call me first. ’Cause, uh ’cause I love juicy gossip. Where am I
supposed to go? Okay. “El Entrance?” Gracias, sign. Muy bien. Um Good
heavens! What’s this? Uh okay. And this is how I walk He’s so normal. Uh
hmm uh Where’s the hollow look of someone forced to starve themselves to
fit our unrealistic expectation of what beauty should be? He is not
making it work. – No! Wait! – Huh? Isn’t fashion supposed to be for
everyone? That behatted boy is right. Fashion was never meant to be an
inherently elitist form. We need to return fashion to its utilitarian
roots. Give it back to the people! Bravo! He is making it work.
matched! Looks like a wide variety of screen roles isn’t the only thing
Channing brought life to. It’s a match? I gotta tell Holly Woo agents to
keep their eyes peeled for a refugee baby with abs to die for. Nick,
tell Janae to stock the warehouse with red hoodies. – This is the look
of the future. – Couch-surfer couture! Where’s Hollyhock? I need to talk
to her. – She’s in maid heaven. – She’s dead?! Sorry, I meant she
belongs in maid heaven because she is a cleaning angel. – Where is she?
– I sent her to Channing Tatum’s house to pay him back for collecting my
mail while I was out of town. Looks like I missed quite a deal at
Pottery Barn. Life is but an endless series of missed opportunities,
some involving Pottery Barn. – Okay, I’m gonna – Can you believe this?
Mr. Peanutbutter’s running for governor. I can believe it, because I’ve
been around for the last year. Right. How’s Diane feel about that? You
could ask her yourself. Does she even know you’re back? I wanted to call
her, but I’m just not ready. Nobody knows I’m back except you. And
Channing Tatum, and my pills guy, and my booze guy, my weed guy, my coke
guy, some smartass at Pizza Hut who deserved an in-person
finger-wagging, and my maid. And now she’s at Channing Tatum’s house? I
came back because I wanted to fix things, – but now I don’t know if I
can. – Uh-huh. I’ve been so lucky to have people in my life who care
about me. I don’t deserve any of them. I definitely don’t deserve to
have a friend as amazing and generous and forgiving and thoughtful as –
Yeah? Oh. – Channing Tatum. I’m only gonna hurt him like I’ve hurt
everyone else. I was a fool to think I could just jump back into a new
relationship. Can you go over to Channing Tatum’s house, tell him I
won’t be his friend? I can’t break another heart. Not today, not
Channing. Okay. Hollyhock, I need – to tell you something. – Did you get
the results? ’Cause I’m really looking forward to dropping this whole
maid thing, even though I’m kind of nailing it. Are you sure you want to
know? I don’t know if BoJack is ready for a normal relationship with
anyone. Oh. Well, that’s fine. I don’t want a relationship. I already
have eight dads. It’s not like a ninth dad is what I need to suddenly
fill a hole in my life that the unconditional love of eight dads
couldn’t already fill. Well, then good news. I got the results and It’s
not a match. – Oh. Really? – Yeah. Good news, right? I shouldn’t have
come here. Papa Steve told me this was a bad idea. But Papa Greg said,
Quackers said, “Let’s put it to a vote, quack-quack.” – Hello? Anybody
home? – Get down! Go, go, go! Shh. I can hear someone in there.
Channing? Jenna Dewan? Their daughter, Everly Elizabeth? Uh, it’s me
Channing Tatum. I’m in the middle of, uh, Channing right now, but you
can come back – Tatum? – Listen, I’m a reporter. I tested your DNA
against another sample’s DNA, and apparently the two are related. –
You’re a father. – Wait, what? – Okay. Thanks! – Todd. I was going to
write a story and drag your name through the mud just because I thought
a couple more people would click on an article I wrote. But I don’t
think that’s the kind of journalist I want to be. Maybe I’m not cut out
for this line of work. Sorry to bother you. Uh Hey, I obviously don’t
know you because I am Channing Tatum, the guy from Green Lantern or
whatever, and you are a nobody, but you came all the way over here to
star Channing Tatum, I’d say you’re exactly the kind of journalist we
need in this world. Wow! That doesn’t sound at all like Channing Tatum’s
voice, but that is the kind of thing I would want Channing Tatum to say
to me, so thanks, Channing. Love half your movies! That was a close one,
huh, Hollyhock? – Hollyhock? – To-To-To-Todd! Todd’s phone. What do you
want? So, I see lots of pictures of you at the fashion show, – but none
of you with Courtney. – Oh, crap! – Hi. – Oh, hello. Uh, why are you
wearing my clothes? These aren’t anything like your clothes. This hat
alone cost $50,000. Oh. So, uh What’s it like being a movie star? It’s awfully trying. Do you ever feel like everyone’s looking at you – but nobody sees you? – Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. No, I was speaking rhetorically about a feeling that only movie stars get. Ohh. – Okay. – But it feels good to talk about it. Yeah. Talking’s good. You know, there was a meeting I was supposed to go to tonight, but I don’t think I’m gonna go. I don’t know if I’m ready. – Ready for what? – What if it’s not everything I want it to be? Sometimes the idea of something is better than the truth, you know? I always prefer fiction to truth, personally. I’ve staked my career on it. Yeah, that makes sense. – Ha hah! – Smile for the birdie. Hey, Courtney, you canoodling with a supermodel now? – That’s right. – Fancy. I love how not down-to-earth you are together. This is going to really make headlines when you two break up. Here’s an even bigger headline: we shan’t be breaking up. – We’re engaged! – Wowee! Hooray! I’m confused! Hollyhock? Are you here? No, but BoJack, who lives here, is here. BoJack, I gotta tell you, um – Hollyhock is your daughter. – What do you mean? – She’s your daughter. – I don’t understand. – She has Horseman DNA. – What is that mean? – You’re her father. – That’s impossible. I’m BoJack. She didn’t want me to tell you, but I thought you should know. I guess I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to be my daughter either. BoJack Look what I do to people I’m supposed to care about. I had sex with the one person I’ve ever seen you be in love with. I guess they’re not gonna put you in the best friends hall of fame, but I don’t know that I loved her. I don’t think I’m allowed to be in love. Don’t say that. You do so much for everybody. All you ever asked for was a roof over your head and the occasional s’more in a baguette. I’m telling you, it’s a million-dollar idea. I got more of you than I ever deserved. If you never talk to me again I just want you to know that I appreciate it, and I appreciate you. Thanks. It was shitty what you did with Emily, but, um I think I’m Asexual. A sexual what? Dynamo, deviant? Harassment lawsuit waiting to happen? No. Asexual, not sexual. – Ohh. – I’m sure you think that’s weird. Are you kidding? That’s amazing. Sometimes I wish I was asexual. Maybe then I wouldn’t have a strain of herpes. – You have multiple strains – I know. The joke only works with the “a”. It actually feels nice to finally say it out loud. I am an asexual person. – I am asexual. – That’s great. So if you’re not mad about Emily It wasn’t just Emily, BoJack, and I don’t know if I’m ready for us to be friends again yet. – Oh. Okay. – But we can be more than not-friends. You know, for an asexual, more than not-friends is probably as good as it gets, right? I’m not really at a place yet where I want to joke about it. – Got it, got it, totally. – But it feels good to talk about it. Well, if you ever need a place to crash, that couch – I’m gonna go. – Oh. – Right now? – Welcome back, BoJack. It’s good to see you. Uh Hmm. Todd? Hmm. Good for him. Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 4 4 Commence Fracking 1 Let me be the first to tell you: I’m bad news. You’re actually not the first to tell me that. I can’t offer you parental guidance or advice or love or support or prolonged conversation or interest in you, – or remembering your name. – It’s Hollyhock. – And I’m not looking for another dad. – Great. But I’ve always wanted to know who my mother is. Your mother? What do I look like, Josh Radnor? Nothing? Nothing for Josh Radnor. How quickly we forget. Just tell me the name of the woman you had sex with in December 1999. That’s all the relationship we need to have. That was quite a time for our nation, sex-wise Oh, 1999 Actually, I don’t need a whole long story. Just get to the point. The point is I banged a lot of women. One-night stands, two-night stands, nooners, spooners, hot-air ballooners. So, out of all of these women it sounds like you really respected, is there any chance one of them got pregnant and then put the baby up for adoption? I guess Marcy was kind of a poking holes in the condom type. Real nutter. Good lay, though. Glad to hear my mother was a “nutter” and “a good lay.” Can I meet her? Where is she? I bet she’s still in that same apartment in the Valley. What a dump! Can you take me there? Help me find my mom and I’ll leave you alone forever. Deal. But can we go in the morning? It’s getting pretty late, I become a real asshole if I don’t get a solid seven hours of bed drinking a night. I should get going. My hostel’s all the way downtown – in a pretty bad area. – Wait. – Take this. – Okay. Here I go, hope there are no murderers out. Yes, everyone hopes that all the time. – Okay, just do me a favor. – Ugh! What now? If I do get murdered, will you call my eight dads and tell them I love them? I gotta call all eight? They can’t work out a phone tree? If you’re gonna be a baby, stay here for the night. – All right! – Take the couch and be quiet. Don’t get on your phone and text all your friends how sweet my house is. Turn off all the lights when you’re going to sleep, all of the lights. Thank you, BoJack. – Oh, I can’t – Oh, you’re you’re in my – Wait, I’m not really – What if we try Wait, I’m almost Oh, no. I don’t think it’s going to happen. I’m sorry, it’s just difficult with all the – Who gave Todd the air horn? – Right. Right. – The campaign. – Exactly. But it’s just another two months, right? After the election everything goes back to normal. – Well, unless I win. – Right. I gotta tell you, I’m having a blast. I always knew I was probably good at something, but I never knew what it was. Thanks to Katrina, I’ve finally realized – I’m good at people liking me. – That’s great, and you know I’m so happy for you, but do you have to be the pro-fracking candidate? Diane, this is the campaign. Nothing anyone says during a campaign matters. It’s just promising a bunch of stuff to get people to vote for you. Then when you get an office, you can do whatever you want. – Democracy in action. – Mark my words The only fracking that’s going to be happening – is in this bedroom. – All right, guy. I’m gonna drill you deep, and fill you with a mysterious substance that scientists still don’t quite understand the ramifications of. – This isn’t sexy for me aaah! – Did someone say “busy day”? No one said “busy day,” Katrina. What did we say about knocking? It wastes vital seconds we’ll never get back? Anyway, everyone who isn’t me needs to shut up right now. – No one else was talking. – I actually have good news for once. CNN released a poll today, and for the first time ever, – Mr. Peanutbutter is up. – Damn! Wow! Am I John Davidson, Cathy Lee Crosby and Fran Tarkenton right now, because that’s We don’t have time for the reference you’re setting up. We’re doing a presser in 30. Go downstairs, get some breakfast. Yeah! Breakfast! Am I Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, the principal – Just get breakfast! – All right! Don’t you forget about me. – Diane, you look sad. – We were kind of in the middle of No, I’m saying you look sad. Maybe you need to put on foundation, blush around the cheeks or something. What the? Huh? Aaah! Aaah! – What’s going on down here? – I was trying to make you breakfast to thank you for letting me stay here! I put a Pop-Tart in the microwave! – Did you take the foil off? – No! I was doing it popcorn style! It’s all right, it’s not your fault. Making food is impossible. Let’s get out of here and take you to your mom’s house. Should we do something about the fire? Just leave it. It’ll tire itself out eventually. So, who is this lady? It’s actually a cute story. She was the president of my fan club. You had sex with the president of your fan club? Yeah. “Oh, my God, what a monster!” I slept with someone who loved me more than anybody else and dedicated her life to knowing things about me and caring about me. How could I be so shallow? You’re right, I’m sorry. Finish your cute story. That was the whole story. She was the president of my fan club, I had sex with her. Then I didn’t think about her for 18 years, and here we are. Good news, the results are in! – Oh! – Bad news, the results are bad. Like an omelet bar at a mongoose convention, you are running dangerously low on eggs. How many do I have left? Well, let’s just say it’s more than Harry Potter movies, but fewer than James Bond movies. – Doctor, no! – What do you recommend? Hmm. Have you considered impregnating a younger woman? No, I want to do it with this woman. You could try throwing money at the problem. You’re gonna want pre-natal vitamins, cervical mucus boosters, a “You Can Do It!” poster, and an iOvulate. – “iOvulate”? – Let’s hope so! This state-of-the-art bracelet tracks your cycle and also gives you up-to-date info on your ovulation. Plus, it’s voiced by Harvey Fierstein. Hello, I’m Harvey Fierstein. Let’s put a baby in you. Ooh! BoJack? Marcy, hey. – I knew it. I knew you’d come back. – Right. Um Here’s a very specific question: after we had sex, did you by any chance get pregnant and put a baby up for adoption? – Yes. – Wait, really? Oh, my God, – you’re my mother. Can I hug you? – Oh. – I’m hugging my mother. – Wow. BoJack, I’m sorry, I really wanted to tell you. But when I called the number that you gave me, it was for a sandwich shop in Temecula. Wha? That’s so weird. You must have dialed it wrong. And then I thought, well, you know, sooner or later you’d call me. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna, but then, you know, 9/11 happened – Can you ever forgive me? – I think so. Oh! I’m so sorry. Where are my manners? Please come in. And that was just such a tough time for our country So, once we introduced vicious knife-play into our routine, it really gave our sex life the edge. Love it, crooshed it. So the article is just about a happy marriage with a healthy sex life? We already have Raquel’s piece about 69 days of sixty-nining. – Uh-huh! – So croosh. What about our readers who aren’t having sex with their husbands? Isn’t this just gonna make them feel bad? Not everyone gets to have great sex all the time, right? Ladies? Diane? Can I talk to you in your office for a minute? I don’t have an office. You said offices have corners and corners are the patriarchy. Fine. Can I talk to you in the hot-take, cool-down yoga area? You seem tense. Have you been eating gluten and also not having sex with your husband? Whoa, Stefani, that’s not Diane, relax! This is not a conversation between an employee and her superior. This is a conversation between a friend and her superior. The campaign has been testing our marriage. Obviously, it’s great to see Mr. Peanutbutter so excited, and I am supporting that. But if I’m being honest, I can’t wait for it to be over so things can go back to normal. – Hmm. And what happens if he wins? – He’s not going to win. Did you see the new CNN poll this morning? He could win. People do love fracking. It’s fun to say! “Frack!”Frack! Fricky-fricky-frack” People wouldn’t love saying it if they understood what it actually was. – So tell them. – I can’t go against my husband. What the frack? Why not? You gotta do you, girl. I always say, you gotta do you. And if he’s doing him, then who’s doing you? Because right now, it seems like no one’s doing you. and then when I was eight, Lizzie Dunbar’s mom rented us all Freaky Friday for a sleepover, and I got really sad because I realized I didn’t have a mom to switch bodies with. Am I talking a lot? I feel I’m talking a lot. – Yes. – Oh! I need to show you something. Okay, so this may seem cuckoo, but I was so head over heels in love with your father that after we made sweet love, and he didn’t call me again, I just got so jealous, so I made a list of every girl he was with and I found their home addresses – Oh. – and drew Xs over their eyes. I’m loving this conversation but I have to go the bathroom now, for non-me being weirded out by this conversation-related reasons. I just keep thinking about how different things would have been if you’d have just called me. We could have had a family together for 18 loving years. – That might have – BoJack! Kids. What? Can you join me in the bathroom for a minute? What?! No! – Do you want me, sweetheart? – No, it’s a dad bathroom thing. Uh Hollyhock? That woman is not my mother. She’s lying to us! Marcy? No way! Look. This is from the premiere of “Autumn in New York”. That movie came out in August of 2000. I was born in September. Does this woman look eight months pregnant to you? Why would they release a romantic drama called “Autumn in New York” in the middle of summer? Richard Gere had just done “Runaway Bride”, Winona Ryder was hot off “Girl, Interrupted” – so the studio got cocky. – How do you know all this? I looked it up on the Internet because I saw this picture and got confused why Marcy would wear a summer dress to a movie called “Autumn in New York”. This is a summer dress? I guess I don’t know dresses. BoJack, focus! That’s not my mom! So the lesson here is I was right to never call her. – Wait, so who – Are you okay in there? – Don’t come in! – Yes! Father-daughter bathroom time! The scrapbook! She has that list of all the other women you slept with. If we get the book, we can find my mom. Give me a few minutes. I’ll distract her, then you sneak in and grab the book. Okay. And what was the first appearance of the Horse’s identical cousin? Season eight, episode four. Yeah, yeah. That’s right. What was the horse’s boss’s name? – What are you doing? – Oh, my God! You’re not supposed to see this. – Look away! – It’s okay, Hollyhock. This is what Mommy and Daddy do. Ugh! You said give you a few minutes! I didn’t think it would take this long. I usually finish faster. – You’re disgusting! – That’s what I needed. Can I please have a grasshopper? Yes? So the studio finished “Mars Attacks”! Without him. And since no one ever found a body, my client Tony Tromboni has been making movies – under the name Tim Burton ever since. – Oh! I’m Harvey Fierstein. Your ovulation window is closing soon. Please commence copulation. Oh, fish! We gotta go. – Can’t we finish lunch? – You heard the bracelet. Okay, well, uh, let me get the check. – There’s no time for that! Ralph! – We gotta pay for our I have an egg inside me that is ripe to be fertilized. His name is Philbert. – Princess Carolyn – Uh-uh! Philbert Stilton, and he’s going to be sweet and smart and a phenom on the clarinet, and one day you’ll be driving him home from band practice and he’s going to all of a sudden say something so insightful and true that you’ll be positively floored it – came out of the mouth of your son. – Wow. But if you don’t take me home right now and impregnate me, then Philbert will never exist. Okay, let’s go. – You told me to distract her. – We don’t need to talk about it. So now that we got the list, we gotta go see all these other women? Not all of them, just the ones you didn’t see in the nine months after you had sex with them. – That’s gonna be most of them. – Yeah, figures. Ooh! Tilda Madison? You dated the Timedium, Tuesdays at 9:00 on CBS? I never understood that show. What’s a Timedium? She’s a medium, but she can also travel through time and she solves crimes. That’s so stupid. She time-travels and she’s a medium? But the one crime she can’t solve is her husband’s murder. So my name is Hollyhock and I love apples but hate applesauce, too slimy. I was the captain of the JV soccer team BoJack, why did you bring this child into my sanctum? I can make this real quick. Did you give up my secret baby in the year 2000? Oh, BoJack, do you recall the impetus for our uncoupling? Is every one of these gonna be a whole thing? You were a cad and a boor. But your fits of sardonic japery amused, to a point, until you – impregnated me. – What? Suddenly, I was awash in dreams of idealized domesticity. But when I told you I was with child, I received a check in the mail for$200 with
the memo line, “BoJack’s half of the abortion.” So you put me up for
adoption? Child, no. I had the abortion. Nice. You don’t want any little
BoJacks floating around. Last thing this world needs is more of this
garbage. – Uh, excuse me? – No, you’re great, you seem cool, but if we
could go back in time and prevent it Right? Hollyhock, I didn’t mean By
contains the secrets of life, the ability to create. – Go, go! Oh, God!
– I’m going! At this point, your ovum has burst out of the swollen
follicle, traveled down the long gentle river of the fallopian tube, and
been welcomed by the warm embrace of the silk-lined uterus. – No, no,
no. – You must fertilize that precious ovum now or it will disintegrate
into nothingness. Hit the gas! Do it for Philbert! Pull over your
vehicle, now! Oh, fish! So in conclusion, I don’t think California is
the greatest state in the country. But it can be. Beautifully put. I’d
like to drill down, as it were, – on the subject of fracking. – Drill
away. Now, mere hours ago your wife, Diane Nguyen, seen here eating a
messy sandwich, published an essay online titled “The Case Against
Fracking” in which she posits, quote “If these frack-happy
politicians”even knew how dangerous it was, “they wouldn’t allow it in
their own backyards.” – Diane wrote that? – Damn. Mr. Peanutbutter, your
wife has issued a challenge. Would you allow fracking in your own
backyard? I would. Joining us now via Periscope is Frankie Flackery,
foreman and spokesyak for Flackery Will Get You Everywhere industrial
drilling company. – How are ya? – Flackery Flack, let’s talk frack.
Mr. Peanutbutter has invited you – to drill on his property. – Uh Will
you take him up on this invitation? I could have a team there this
afternoon. Oh Ready when you are, boys! Sir, I apologize. We are very
eager to get home. You were going 36 miles per hour. The speed limit
here Is 35. – Yes. – Now, I’m no mathematician. – I’m just a humble
officer of the law. – Okay. So you tell me, is 36 below 35 or is it
above 35? Just write us a ticket and let us go. Now, now, talking back
to Officer Meow Meow is a major no-no. Hello! Harvey Fierstein here. Oh!
Who said that? Is there another man in your vehicle? – Hello? – Show
yourself, fiend! We don’t have time for this! – I’m in heat! – Ma’am,
you need to calm down! Don’t tell me to calm down or call me ma’am! Just
write us a goddamn ticket so I can go home and mount my boyfriend!
That’s enough! Out of the car, all three of you! Obviously, I didn’t
mean you. You’re giving me the silent treatment? I guess I have thin
skin. Must be the half of me that’s made of garbage. Well, who else is
on this list? Stacy, Fabiana Tonya Harding? She is not gonna be happy to
see me. She said sleeping with me is the worst thing she ever did. I’m
sorry it’s so unpleasant for you to have to interact with women – you
were shitty to. – I don’t understand why we’re even doing this. You’re
never gonna switch – bodies with your mom. – God! That ship has sailed
and is also impossible. – Pull over the car. – No. – Pull over now! –
Jesus. Fine. I’m gonna do the rest of this – on my own. – No. Hollyhock.
I got the list. I don’t need you anymore. Have a bad life. Joke’s on
you, I already have one! Oh no. No. No, no. Where’s Mr. Peanutbutter?
He’s giving a stump speech on the subject of stumps. Turns out he’s pro.
Great for sitting. I’d be careful with that faucet, the water comes out
very hot because of the fracking. Aaah! How could you let him do this?
You’re the one who called his bluff. Don’t do that. – This just makes my
job harder. – I didn’t – “call his bluff.” I just – Woman, you have one
job: be his wife, be supportive. – I am being supportive. – Was that you
being supportive today with that piece you wrote – for your stupid girl
website? – It’s called Girl Croosh. “Stoopid Gurl” is just a subsection
of the main site. And my piece wasn’t about Mr. Peanutbutter,
specifically. I’m gonna cut this conversation short, because my time is
more important than yours. This goes one of two ways. Either you shut up
and be pretty, or your approximation of that, or don’t support him, he
resents you, your marriage implodes. – Pick your poison. – Damn! Not
that I get to vote, but from one Mrs. Peanutbutter to another, it’s been
really fun for me to watch this new marriage fall apart. – We’re not. –
So thank you, Diane, for that tiny sliver of mint in the smoothie of
dogshit that is trying to get that popular idiot elected. Good night.
Damn! I’m Harvey Fierstein, and I hope you’re almost done having sex
because your ovulation cycle will soon be ending. Huh. I’m sorry we
couldn’t get home in time. – Your lawyer, he’s good? – The best. Then
you know what we have to do? Oh! – For Philbert? – For Philbert. What
are you doing back there? Hey! – Sorry you have to be here for this. –
Keep your eyes on the road. Hey! You two cut that out! I’ll write you up
for lewd conduct. Lewd, crude and partially nude! Not to mention the
rude ‘tude of you two dudes, while this prude – Hey, listen to me! –
Whoa! And so the dance of life continues apace. I’m Harvey Fierstein,
bidding you a sexy good evening. No! Can I get my check now? Alone, at
last. Thank God. Fine, fine, fine. Hi, Fabiana. Before you slam the door
Did a young horse girl come by here, about yay high? You’re still mad
know we’ve had our differences, but seeing you always leaves me weak in
the knees. Hollyhock. – Was that her? – Ugh! No. I talked to 23 women
today and none of them were my mother. – How did you find me? – I went
to everyone on that list. You talked to all those women? – Some of them
– Really haven’t aged well, I know. I was gonna say, really hate you.
Oh, yeah, that too. But I needed to find you. To tell you I’m sorry, for
being such an asshole then and also now. This whole thing was stupid. I
never should have come out here. And I don’t even care about having a
mom, really. Because I did fine for 17 years without one. I don’t need a
mom. Hollyhock, it’s okay to want a mom. No, it’s not! Because that
means my dads weren’t enough for me, and they are! I know I just met
you, but if you do have any of the old Horseman gunk bouncing around in
that brain of yours, I gotta tell you right now you should give up on
looking for “enough” because it will never be enough. Eww! – Stop that.
– I know, it’s stupid. – There, there. – You are so bad at this. What do
your dads say when you cry? They say it’s okay to cry, and that I
right? They’re really good dads. I should probably get back to them. Oh.
You don’t have to leave right away. Why don’t you just stay with me a
bit longer? At least until we find your mom. How are we supposed to do
that? Every name on that list was a dead end. Oh Yeah. But what if I
told you there’s a name that isn’t on that list? Someone Marcy never
knew about. What? Where is she now? I don’t know. But you can stay with
me while we try to find her? Okay. Yeah. – What’s her name? – Her name
was Brown Car la. Carla Mercedes Benz Brown. “Carla Mercedes Benzbrown”?
Weird name. – You’ve got a weird name. – I guess you’re right. Maybe
that’s the first thing we’ll talk about when I meet her. Mm-hmm? Diane,
I know. I’m sorry about the trucks, but you didn’t give me much choice.
I know these last few days have been crazy. – But this is the hard part.
– I need you to drop out of the race. – What? – Please,
Mr. Peanutbutter. This isn’t worth it. I hear what you’re saying and I
will try to be more conscientious of your needs. – Drop out of the race.
– Because your needs are important. I’ve written another piece for Girl
Croosh. It’s called – “The Case Against Mr. Peanutbutter.” – What? When
I hit this button, the post goes live. Diane, don’t. I don’t want to.
And I won’t, if you drop out of the race. Jesus, Diane. You can’t do
that. Because you’re the only one allowed to make decisions for this
family? No. Because it’s gonna come off as a weird lovers’ spat and it’s
just going to embarrass everyone. – Well, I’m sorry if I embarrass you.
– Oh, come on. You told me you weren’t going to frack, and now I can’t
turn on a faucet in my own home without getting third-degree burns. Oh,
I get it. So like always, you’re mad at someone, so your solution is to
air your dirty laundry for everyone to see. No. This is not about us. I
don’t want you to be governor because you would be bad at it, because
you don’t stand for anything. No! Hey! Don’t you dare. Robert Blake gave
me that mug. No! Oh, you – I don’t – Shut up. Take off your shirt. Frack
me, Mr. Peanutbutter! Frack me! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack
Horseman (2014)
4 5 Thoughts and Prayers 1 Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry to
interrupt your lunch, but there was another mass shooting. Oh, God,
where? A town outside Tampa called Not geographically, dipshit. What’s
the location? What is it, a pharmacy? A haberdashery? – It was a
shopping mall. – No! – Ms. Taken is coming out next month. – I know,
sir. The whole third act revolves around Courtney Portnoy shooting
people in a mall. What are we supposed to do now, not release the movie?
I hope it doesn’t come to that. I am sick and tired of real-life gun
violence getting in the way of us telling stories that glamorize gun
violence. Why does this keep happening? Has the whole world gone crazy?
No, we’ve just been conditioned by a rugged individualist culture woven
into the savage architecture of our country itself, birthed as it was
through violent uprising, but perhaps popularized in the modern
imagination by stories of Okay, Chomsky, when I want you to talk, I’ll
staple a string to your back and then yank it. Why not make yourself
useful and schedule a sit-down with Courtney Portnoy’s team to talk
about how we distance ourselves from this fakakte mishegoss. Got it.
Except for the foccacia Michigan part. Excuse me, could you point me in
the direction of an H&M? Sure. But when you get there, you’re gonna be
DOA. Uh-uh. You picked the wrong shopaholic to mess with. Because this
shopaholic’s also a holic for revenge. – [GUNFIRE.] – Die, scum!
[LAUGHING.] Courtney Portnoy-vey. [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.] – Wow.
Carla Mercedes Benzbrown. – Yep. – My mother. – That’s right. [CLEARS
THROAT.] – I lied! – What? There’s no Carla Mercedes Benzbrown. – I
have no idea who your mother is. – What? I don’t want to have a
relationship lying to each other. Okay, so why did you lie to me? I
meant everything else I said. I’ll do everything I can to help find your
mom. To be honest, moms aren’t all that great. In fact, in my
experience, they’re soulless succubi born fully formed from the ass of
Satan. Oh, my grandmother sounds like quite a character. – Can I meet
her? – Oh, my mom? No, you cannot meet my mom because she’s dead. – Oh.
– Dead mom. BoJack, what happened to the fudgesicles I bought? – I lied
again. My mom’s not dead. – Stop lying to me! That was, like, 15 minutes
of lie. Plus, you don’t want to meet my mom. I do. Where does she live?
Oh, this spectacular elder care facility, she has her own private room
with a nice view, ‘round-the-clock medical care, and plenty of other
seniors to say casually cruel things to under a passive-aggressive veil
of plausible deniability. What’s this place called? I want to say
Whispering Pines. Whistling Pines? Unbelievable. Something with a W.
Winter’s Bone? – Take me there. – [GROANS.] Fine! – For real this
time? – Yes. I promise. I am not gonna lie to you ever again. – Did you
eat the last fudgesicle? – No. I lied. I lied about the fudgesicle.
[GUN COCKS.] All this time you thought I was just another damsel in
distress, – but I’m afraid you were mis guided. – [GUN COCKS.] –
[GUNFIRE.] – [SCREAMING.] Oh oh. – [GROANS.] That is not good. –
getting caught off guard. This is so sad. You always hear about mass
shootings affecting other people’s movie openings, but you never think
they’re gonna affect your movie opening. [SOBS.] My thoughts and
prayers to the victims and their families. – Of course. Yeah, thoughts
and prayers. – Thoughts and prayers. Tragedy like this really puts
things in perspective. Like, what are we doing sitting in a conference
room? Life is short. We should have this meeting at a water park. Whoa!
A water park where people have meetings. – Maybe that’s the movie. – I’m
sorry, who is this schmuck? I’m Courtney’s asexual fake fiancÃ©. He’s a
common person/supermodel, being engaged to him makes me appear more
approachable/glamorous. Okay-slash-whatever. We still have time to cut
the mall shootout from the film. That still leaves the movie theater
shootout, the shootout at the county fair, the [VIBRATIONS AND
BUZZING.] We should probably lose the movie theater shootout. Right.
Well, we still have the county fair shootout. – [VIBRATIONS AND
BUZZING.] – Oh, dear. – This is a sad day. – What? I gotta take this. –
BoJack? – Hi. – Where have you been? – Listen. I’m sorry. I was an awful
boyfriend to you. I was an awful client, and I was an awful friend. This
last year I spent some time away and it made me realize how special the
people in my life are. And you might be the most special of them all.
Wow, BoJack. [CHUCKLES.] I I appreciate that. Anyway, the real reason
I’m calling is, do you remember the name of that super nice elder care
facility that we both agreed was the best place for my mom to run out
the clock? Oh, pluck a duck. It’s called Walnut Springs. Walnut Springs!
I knew there was a W in there. Bye! – [SIGHS.] – [RINGING.] What? I
feel like I didn’t strike the right tone in the last phone call. I
really am sorry, and the most important thing is, you know how dedicated
I am to making things right again. Okay. Thank you. Anyway, the real
reason I’m calling is, turns out there’s a few Walnut Springses in the
SoCal area. It’s the one in Santa Barbara, dummy! – Yeesh! Cranky much?
Who died? – A lotta people! – [PANTING.] – Sorry, what did I miss?
Courtney’s beloved was outlining his plan to curtail gun violence. I’m
just saying, if people have the right pumped-up kicks, maybe they can
outrun the bullets. All this talk of gun violence is depressing.
Ms. Taken is a movie about empowerment. That’s what I’ve been saying!
It’s Bridget Jones with slightly more bloody murdering. We just have to
keep the story on Courtney, and not on the depressingly unstoppable rise
of real-life gun violence in this country, thoughts and prayers. –
Thoughts and prayers. – Thoughts and prayers. – [ALL THINGS CONSIDERED
THEME PLAYING.] – Oh. [CELL PHONE VIBRATING.] [ROBERT SIEGEL.] The
House Majority Whip outlined a new bipartisan plan to encourage you to
this is All Rings Considered. – I’m Robert Siegel. – And I’m Audie
Cornish. The proposed bill would take effect when someone tries to call
you – and you hear this ringtone. – [VIBRATING.] – Hello? – Diane! I
got an exclusive for you. You are going to write a glowing feature about
my client and her new movie. – Why would I – You know Courtney Portnoy.
You probably recall when she soared as the thorny horticulturist in One
Sordid Fortnight With the Short-Skirted Sorceress. – Uh – How would you
enjoy joining Portnoy for a scorched soy porterhouse pork four-courser
at Koi? – Wait, what? – Glorify your source, but don’t make it feel
forced, of course, and try the borscht. Smooches! – Hey – And that’s how
you do it, folks. Oh [GASPS.] You’re telling me you didn’t feel one
twinge of guilt when you left your mom in this place? Uh twinge of
guilt, twinge of guilt, trying to remember, no. – Definitely not. –
Damn. You didn’t know my mom. Football? You don’t have the haunches for
it. You’ll only embarrass yourself, as in every other endeavor you
pursue. But, Mom If you’re looking to get knocked around for an
afternoon, why don’t you just read one of your father’s manuscripts and
tell him his prose is pedestrian and derivative? Works for me every
time. [INHALES AND PUFFS.] Mrs. Horseman, you have a visitor. Oh, uh –
Hi, Mom. – Do I know you? Here we go. Yes, Mom, I never visit. You got
me. – Henrietta? – Okay, we’re doing this? I think she really doesn’t
know who you are. She knows. This is just like when she pretended not to
recognize me after my shaky choir solo in eighth grade. I had to get a
ride home with the pianist who liked to tickle a lot more than just the
ivories. When I made it home unscathed, she said, “Huh. I guess no one
wants you.” Henrietta, could I trouble you for some orange juice,
please? Stop calling me Henrietta! Nobody here’s named Henrietta!
Henrietta, orange juice. Now! You’re not being paid for polite
conversation. – BoJack, maybe you should just – Oh, hello! It’s you.
Hollyhock. I must apologize for Henrietta. She learned to read on
secondhand books. Mom, do you really not know who I am? Me, famous
BoJack? If you are getting orange juice, I’d love a glass too. Oh. Uh,
okay. So you see I’m really quite ordinary and relatable. Yeah, you put
your pants on one leg at a time. Well, I step into my pants one leg at a
time, then my trouser-maidens lift the legs simultaneously to avoid
wrinklage. Well, right, of course, why else have trouser-maidens? – Hey.
Konichiwa, Princess Mulan. – Just leave us alone, okay? I was giving you
a compliment. First, konichiwa is not a compliment, it’s Japanese for
hello. Second, I’m not Japanese. Maybe I could put something in that
sweet mouth of yours – so you don’t have to talk so much. – Whoa! One
more step, asshole. – What – Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was joking. I don’t
want any trouble. – Tell your story walking. – the shit was that? I
don’t know! My instincts just kicked in. Why do you even have a gun?
Well, using it in the movie was so empowering, and now I just carry it
everywhere. Do you want to hold it? No, I am very anti-gun. In fact, I
think the whole idea of guns is inherently Holy shit, I’m holding a gun.
How long has this been in my hand? – Slides right in, doesn’t it? – It
actually feels kind of nice. Would you like to try shooting it? We can
go to my gun range. You have your own gun range? I’m Courtney Portnoy. I
have all the things. [CLICKING.] [BREATHLESS GASP.] Whoa [BEA.] I
can’t believe you came back. – Who, me? Or BoJack? – You look just like
him. – People tell me that. – [GROANS.] Your mother’s dementia is
progressing rapidly. – You came out of nowhere. – Yes. I snuck up on you
on purpose as a symbol for the alarming creep of dementia. – It isn’t
there, until it is. – Thank you, very colorful. We tried to call you,
but the number you gave us connected to a sandwich shop in Temecula. Is
that right? This is the most responsive she’s been in weeks. I think
with regular visits from you and your daughter That’s not happening.
Seeing my mom is like a Terrence Malick movie. Every ten years or so is
bearable, but more than that and it starts to get annoying. She won’t
last another ten years. Well, I guess that’s it, then. Bye, Mom! – Huh?
– Come on, Hollyhock, let’s blow this Jell-O stand. We’re gonna come
back though, right? We can’t just leave her like this. You can do
anything if you believe in yourself. – We have to come back. – [BEA.]
Henrietta? – Every week. – Why? Because she’s your mother and dementia
is hereditary. One day, you’re gonna be in a home like this, and so will
I, and wouldn’t you want someone visiting you? [GROANS.] Fine. We’ll
come back. Happy? Where’s my orange juice, slag? [GULPING.] Ahhh!
[GULPING.] Ahhh! See ya next week. [HUMMING.] – Hey, are we out of
milk? – I can pick up some after work. Great. Also, real quick
follow-up, why are you holding a gun? Oh, my God! Did I drive all the
way home without realizing I was holding a gun? No wonder that guy at
the gas station didn’t charge me for the Red Vines. [GASPS.] Did I rob
a gas station? Classic Diane shenanigans. Or as I call them,
“Diane-igans.” All right, be safe. – [SMOOCHES.] – [SIGHS.] Hmm.
[DIANE.] Let’s get one thing out of the way right now. If you’re a
man, you’re not gonna get it. Some of you think you get it. You want to
get it. You listen, nod and say all the right things when we tell you
our stories. But you still can’t actually know what it feels like – to
constantly have your guard up. – [WOLF WHISTLE.] In parking garages,
walking the street, even at work. I’m tired of trying to help men
understand how it feels to be a woman. Starting now, I’m doing what it
takes to put the power in my own hands. That’s why I own a gun. – That
was our senior picnic. – Oh. Oh, here I am. There’s Polio Larry. Yup,
she sure remembers all the important people. – [HOLLYHOCK.] And who’s
this? – [BEA.] That’s my brother, Crackerjack. That’s not Crackerjack,
that’s me. Thirty seconds after that picture was taken you yelled at me
for getting ice cream on my shorts. No ice cream for me, Henrietta. I’m
watching my figure. Yeah, you want to look pretty for when Death comes
to visit. Beth? No. We stopped talking after she wouldn’t eat my
casserole and then I told the whole supper club that her son was a gay.
– Ooh. – Okay. You two enjoy each other. I’m gonna go see if I can
seduce a lonely dowager into giving me her night-night pills. Wow. Is
this you? – [BEA.] This is me at my debutante ball. – You were so
beautiful. You could be thin, too. Just go easy on the sweets and when
you go somewhere, don’t walk, gallop. Ice cold, Grammy-gram. [BOTH.]
Morning time, Hollywoo! I’m A Ryan Seacrest Type. And I’m A Billy Bush
Type. Here’s something I’m just now reading on a cue card. All the
wouldn’t want to be around one of those ladies at a certain time of the
month, if you know what I mean. [LAUGHS.] I don’t. Joking aside, I
think it’s great these gals have a hobby. Oh, and I’m being told by our
producers that we have a breaking news alert – There has been another
mass shooting. – [GROANS.] I am totally unqualified to cover a news
story this important. But as a straight white male, I will plow forward
with confidence and assume I’m doing fine. [GROANS.] Again with the
crazy gunmen. Princess Carolyn, if this keeps up, we’re gonna have to
put this movie on the shelf next to that wacky vacation comedy we did
about the klutzy babysitter. [TODD.] Ha! That sounds hilarious! What
the hell are you doing on this call? Imagining that funny movie you just
described. Okay, what do all these shootings have in common? Guns?
Bullets? Who are you, Art Linkletter? Just spit it out. Men! What if we
played up the “Ms.” in Ms. Taken? In a world of increasing terror, our
movie tells women they don’t have to be afraid anymore. – Yeah, now
you’re talking. – When you put it that way, it almost sounds like these
mass shootings could be a good thing for the movie. No, no, no, of
course not. They’re a terrible tragedy. Thoughts and prayers are with
the victims. – Right, thoughts and prayers. – But anything that makes
women feel unsafe might actually help our box office. But you don’t want
women to feel unsafe. Of course not! Nobody wants that, nobody’s saying
that. But if they already do feel unsafe, there’s no reason not to
capitalize. Right, if they already feel unsafe anyway. Exactly, we’re
not making them feel unsafe. We’re just profiting, albeit indirectly,
from there being more mass shootings. [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.] In that
case, I got good news and I got bad news. Bad news is you’re gonna want
to avoid the 405. – Ta-da! – Ugh! Keep it down. Why are you carrying
that thin hard book? It’s not a book, it’s a DVD case. We did a special
episode about elder care. Now we’re gonna watch it and learn how to
handle this bitch. When you say “this bitch”, do you mean your mom’s
dementia or your mom? I think you can pick that up through context.
Season two, episode 12. “I’m Ready For My Close-Up, Mr. Dementia.” –
I’ll go lie down. – [MUSIC PLAYS.] – Hey, Ethan, who’s your friend? –
[OLIVIA.] Ethan made a friend? This old man followed me home from the
park. – Can I keep him? – [AUDIENCE.] Aww. – [THE HORSE.] Here we
go, again. – [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.] – BoJack? – Mom? Hush,
Henrietta. That’s my son on the television. You know him? I think I’d
know my own son, wouldn’t I? [ETHAN.] You heard the boss man. Guess
your daughter, the bikini model, will have to pick you up at the park.
Daughter, the bikini model? Whoa, whoa, Ethan, this man is our guest!
[LAUGHS.] Uh Huh. [CLEARS THROAT.] – You know I hate guns, right? –
I know. Although my official stated political opinion is I respect the
Second Amendment but I think some gun purchases should require the
barest amount of background checks. Mr. Peanutbutter, you know I hate
guns, too. Or I thought I did. Or I still do, mostly. But being a gun
owner finally makes me feel as safe walking down the street as a man
gets to feel all the time. And that’s an incredible feeling I’m not
ready to give up yet. If you can frack under our house, I should get to
have a gun. All right, that’s fair. I’m really proud we’ve found a way
to keep our personal lives and our political lives compartmentalized.
Me, too. – You have no idea – Yes. I have no idea? – Is your bubble of
privilege so thick, – What’s with humans and guns? You’re addicted to
these things. And what is it with men and not wanting women to feel
safe? – I don’t – This is a gendered issue – Excuse me! – make no
mistake. – I don’t think women – You can’t sympathize running around
with guns makes anybody safer. – Yeah. That’s the danger. – I don’t –
Excuse me. – Not the men who commit 90 percent of murders, it’s the
crazy hysterical women you gotta worry about! [GRUNTING AND MOANING.]
[DIANE.] Yes, yes! Fill my chamber with your powerful bullets!
Beatrice, look who’s back. And we brought more Horsin’ Around. Oh? Good.
Because you love that BoJack, right? Well, he’s not much of a son, but
the show can be a comfort sometimes. [EXHALES.] They were playing your
dumb show in his hospital room. Which dumb show? New one or old one? In
the episode I saw, you walked in on your daughter in the shower. The old
one. That episode got us into the TV Guide “Cheers and Jeers” column. We
did not get a “Cheers.” You always could play the fool, BoJack. We have
to have this conversation now, on the way to Dad’s funeral? [SIGHS.]
There was so much more I wanted to say to him. Well you can forget it
now. [LAUGHS.] [OLIVIA.] And since you saw me naked, that means I
get to see you naked! [THE HORSE.] Something tells me I’m gonna regret
this. – [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.] – [GROANS.] Out of the way, hag, you’re
blocking the screen. Uh-huh. I know this must be painful for you. Not
painful, boring. This place sucks. If I’m not getting credit for coming,
what’s the point? If only there was some way for her to connect the
BoJack from the show with the BoJack who visits her every week. – Yeah,
too bad we can’t. Or can we? – Can we what? Put on a live episode of
Horsin’ Around in the nursing home. – Good thinking, Hollyhock. – Uh
We’ll do a Horsin’ Around here at the home. She’ll love it because it’s
her son BoJack. – Okay – Then after the show, I’ll come out and say
hello. And she’ll say, “BoJack? Is that you?” When her eyes spark with
recognition, I’m gonna sit down next to her, I’m gonna squeeze her hand
and get real close and say – “Fuck you, Mom.” – What? I can finally tell
her off! I’m gonna say, “Look at you”, you old piece of shit, rotting in
a nursing home!” – Now I have the power! – That’s what you want to say
to her? Oh, it’s gonna be great! I can’t wait to see the look on her
face. Okay, let’s do this. Let’s put on a show! [RINGING.] – Hey! –
Thoughts and prayers. We really have to do something about these men who
go No, P.C. This time it was a woman. A woman mass shooter? Oh, no, that
really is bad news! I just think this is what happens when you give
women guns. They start shooting people with them. I mean, do they even
know what guns are for? I don’t feel safe anymore walking down my own
street alone at night. Me, a man! I am convening a series of
congressional hearings on the matter of women and guns. Because even one
death from the bullet of a female gun owner is too many. What are my
constituents supposed to do, not compliment random women on the street
because they might be carrying a gun? We cannot allow our lives to be
dictated by that kind of fear. So you see, the trigger was specifically
designed for a man’s grip and a man’s temperament. Look, all I’m saying
is maybe you shouldn’t blame women for wanting guns. Maybe you should
blame the constant societal messaging that tells us we are safe only as
long as the men around us allow us to be. So if you have a problem with
women carrying firearms, you can roll up your sleeves and actually work
to create a society where women feel safe and equal, or you can just ban
all guns. – [GAVEL BANGING.] – The ayes have it. Possession of any
firearm is now illegal in the state of California. We did it, boys. –
Huzzah! – Yes! – Congratulations! – Fabulous! I thought that was gonna
go the other way. Wow, Diane. You just passed sensible gun legislation.
I can’t believe this country hates women more than it loves guns. No?
enunciate. It helps if you imagine performing for the back row. – Not
that. I mean – Shh! Here they come. Gladys, hit it! [PLAYS HORSIN’
AROUND THEME.] Too bad I could never run for president, ‘cause I love
waffling! Wha What is this? Olivia, you usually love my breakfast humor.
Why so glum, sugarplum? It’s this algebra homework that gives me the
blues. – X-axis? Y-axis? – [PANTING AND GASPING.] Where’s the
’Y’-should-I-care axis? Henrietta, what are you doing? BoJack, maybe we
should stop. We just started. Let’s at least get through the first act
before we judge ourselves too harshly, huh? I wonder if there’s a way to
make math fun. – [HOLLYHOCK.] Math will never be fun. – [CLICKING.]
The only thing I like, – is rap music songs. – [GROANING AND PANTING.]
Make this stop. How do I turn this off? Don’t change it. I want to see
if this married couple can work through their differences. – Gimme the
remote! – This isn’t right! – Guys, sharing is caring! – [GRUNTS.] Oh,
my God. Code red, code red! What is happening? I don’t like this! No! –
[BEA.] Let go of me. – Oh, God. I am the heiress to the Sugarman
Sugarcube Company. You can’t do this to me! [SCREAMING.] I never get
to watch what I want. You think we should still finish the episode, or?
Our insurance policy is very strict and very clear. Once a resident
becomes violent, we can no longer house them. Can you recommend another
facility? Frankly, at your mother’s rate of deterioration, she probably
doesn’t have much time. I recommend she spend it surrounded by the
people who care about her. Okay, who are they? Do you have their number?
I was referring to you and your daughter. – Oh. Uh – We’ll take her. She
can have the guest room, – and I can sleep on the couch. Right? –
[GROANS.] Okay. If she really doesn’t have much time left. But if we
get to this time next year, she’s still hanging on, you will be getting
a very strongly worded letter, mister. Excuse me, could you point me in
the direction of an H&M? – Sure. – [CLICK.] That’s all we got, once we
took out all the guns. Maybe it could work as an H&M commercial? It’s a
shame. It was a great movie. [SIGHS.] Yeah. Cut down in the prime of
its life. Well, I’m very sorry for your loss. Eh, I’ll be fine. Hey,
Beatrice, you hungry? I could make Pop-Tarts. [BEA.] No, thank you.
You want to watch another Horsin’ Around episode? What’s the point? –
Oh. – [GROWLS.] Oh, God. I’m sorry you didn’t get to tell your mom
off. I keep thinking about all the things I never said because I was so
sure there’d be other days to say them. – Why don’t you tell her now? –
It’s not the same. I should have done it back when she knew who I was,
back when it would mean something. But now, she’s gonna die and she’s
never gonna know just how much I hate her. I’m sure she knew, BoJack. –
Yeah? You’re not just saying that? – She read your book, didn’t she?
[SIGHS.] Yeah, but I really wanted to say it to her face. Well, hey,
she’s here now, right? And she has good days and bad days. Maybe,
eventually, she’ll recognize you. And then you can totally rip into her.
– You really think so? – Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES.] Back in the ’90s I was in
a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the Horseman – BoJack BoJack the
Horseman Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my
past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just
try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more
man than a horse BoJack [MAN.] Boxer vs. Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na
na-na! Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
4 6 Stupid Piece of Sh*t Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit. You’re a real
stupid piece of shit. But I know I’m a piece of shit. That makes me
better than all the pieces of shit who don’t know they’re pieces of
shit. Or is it worse? Breakfast. Oh, I don’t deserve breakfast. Shut up.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Get breakfast, you stupid fat-ass. These
are cookies. This is not breakfast. You are eating cookies. Stop it.
Stop eating cookies, go make yourself breakfast. Stop it. Don’t eat one
more cookie. Put that down. Do not eat that cookie. I can’t believe you
ate that cookie. – Hey, BoJack, we need milk. – For the baby. – For the
what? – Where is the baby? I saw – Can I borrow your car? – What baby? I
don’t know. Tina’s gonna make breakfast. She needs milk. Can I take the
car or what? Shit. I don’t want her driving my car, getting her grubby
hands all over. She’s not grubby, she’s your daughter, you piece of
garbage. You’re a piece of garbage, a real shitty piece of garbage. Uh
Think, idiot. If she takes the car, you’re trapped here with Mom and her
spooky lazy eyes. If you get the milk and leave Hollyhock with Mom, she
could tell things about you, poison your daughter against you, that what
you want? Okay, how about, um Hold on. They’re looking. Say something!
Open your idiot dumb mouth! I will get milk. Milk, milk. What are they
talking about now? Probably you and what a dumb piece of trash you are,
you fat sack of idiot. Why not do the world a favor and swerve into
oncoming traffic? No, you don’t deserve to die young, only the greats
die young. Oh, now you think you’re young all of a sudden? One drink.
Whoa. Is it night suddenly? Suddenly sundown. Suddenly “Sooze-town.”
What was that show? “Suddenly Sooze-town?” Brooke Shields something?
Show was on for five years and now nobody Oh, my God, is that life?
You’re there, you do your thing, and then people forget. “Forget it,
Jake. It’s Sooze-town.” Is that me? Am I the Suddenly Sooze-town of
people? Shit. Oh, shit. You gotta drive. Sober up, buddy. Here we go,
sober now! Sober, now! Come on, you drunk piece of shit, be less drunk.
Now! Okay. Idiot. What’d you do all day? Piece of shit. That’s a day
you’ll never get back. What was that? You’re a real piece of – Where
have you been? – Uh Did you get the milk? Uh Stupid piece of shit. Oh,
God. If you’re looking for the milk Tina ended up getting, Tina is using
it to make us all breakfast. Well, it’s about time someone pulls their
weight around here. Henrietta, you should make a healthy breakfast. –
Okay, that’s enough from you. – For the baby. No one loves a Fatty
Patty. Uh-oh. Is my house on a slant or something? – This wall needs to
be painted. – I’m gonna go. You don’t want to stick around, eat
breakfast together? Great pitch, love your energy. It’s a pass. What are
you doing? Go home. You’re parked on Mulholland doing nothing, you could
be eating breakfast with your long-lost daughter and dying mother. You
are a terrible person. Use the shoulder, asshole! He gets it. I know, I
wanted to tell you right away. – Right this way. – Oh, I gotta go. See
you tonight. If it isn’t my favorite client, Courtney Portnoy, and also
another client, Todd. It’s always nice to be included in a sentence
someone says. Ms. Taken was a miserable failure. – Princess Carolyn –
de force performance as the forceful denim-clad court reporter in The
Court Reporter Sported Jorts, the jet-setting jort-sporting court
reporter story. Yes, the film is spectacularly romantic and well-titled,
but I need a change in representation. No! Courtney! Before you fire me
I’m not gonna fire you. Heavens, no! I fired my agents. Oh, good. Yeah,
agents are replaceable. A manager is forever. That’s the takeaway here.
I think you’ll fall in love with my new agent. – Love her already. Who
is she? – He. Yes, he, he, ha, ha. – Now tell me her name. – Rutabaga
Rabitowitz. Oh, fish. We got a nice bounce off of Court’s engagement.
“Court” is what I’m calling Courtney for wordplay-related reasons
that’ll become apparent at the end of this sentence, but that bounce has
lost its pounce, and if we want to keep this name in the news, we’re
going to need a full-court press. So what do you do after an engagement?
D-d-d-doy! Wedding of the century. Whoa! We’re talking floral
arrangements. We’re talking procession of elephants. We’re talking Jaden
Smith in a Clockwork Orange costume, reading a poem he wrote Does that
poem rhyme? No! What are you, crazy? Of course it doesn’t. And, uh-oh,
was someone looking for Sebastian Janikowski, because here’s the kicker
We do the whole thing the weekend before the movie drops. Bam! – Weekend
before the movie drops? – Boom! – That’s this weekend. – Ka-zow! – Four
days from today. – Ooh. Today? That’s today! Which is why it’s so
perfect. No notice is the new notice. This wedding is so fancy we don’t
care if you have other plans. – Total status move. – You’re right. Being
engaged is one thing, but I’m not sure I want to actually get married.
We can draw up a standard Hollywoo sham-marriage contract: Three years,
non-exclusive, – huge payday. – Oh. And I presume you’ll be arranging
everything. As Courtney’s agent I’m happy to help, but I believe
traditionally it’s the bride’s manager who plans the wedding. Okay.
Idiot. Stupid animal. Oaf. You are just the prettiest thing. – Yes, you
are. – Who are you talking to? Keep it down, oaf. You’ll make the baby
cry. – Baby? – Yes, you are. She kept asking where the baby was, so I
had Tina get her this doll. – She’s totes into it. – Mom is “totes” into
a baby? Is it possible the baby got dipped in brandy at some point? Or
cigarettes, or regressive ideas about immigrants? – I think she just
wanted a baby. – Coochie-coochie-coo You shouldn’t indulge her
delusions. It’s not right. But she seemed really down. And you’re never
around anymore. It was getting depressing to look at her. That’s why I
made her this pillowcase. You just put this over her head and everything
is fine. Dark in here. Hello? So they’re airing an F.H.B.A. Miami
marathon this weekend. Does anyone want to come over? Oh, I actually
have a big announcement. I’m marrying Courtney Portnoy this weekend. –
Wow! Great, Todd. Good for you. – That’s amazing. I know it’s pretty
wild for an asexual to get married, but Not really. John and I are aces
and we’re married. – Really? – Yeah. Our wedding was nautical-themed.
Why nautical? Is that, like, an asexual thing? No, man. We just really
like boats. Asexual just means you’re not interested in sex. Some
asexuals are also a-romantic, but others have relationships like anyone
else. But involving boats? I feel like you’re getting really hung up on
the boats thing. So, it’s not weird for an ace to get married? No, if
you found someone who really accepts you for who you are, go for it. I
will! I mean, I am. I mean, am I? Mmm! Beatrice, this coffee is amazing.
You stupid garbage fire. Everything sucks. BoJack, did you see what your
mother is doing? Isn’t it incredible? Yeah, making breakfast at three in
the afternoon. So with it. Isn’t this baby well-behaved? Hardly ever
cries. Probably because you’re such a good mother, Beatrice. Don’t say
that. I was very nervous to have a baby in the house, but it turns out,
all it needed is a mother’s love. Oh, when you grow up, you can be
anything you want to be. Lousy baby. What did it ever do that was so
great? Am I jealous of a doll? Maybe if that doll wasn’t so smug,
looking at me with its creepy doll eyes She’s tricking you, Hollyhock. –
This is not what she’s really like. – Who cares? Whatever beef you have
with your mom, that’s just a sweet confused old lady. – She’s right. –
Wrong. She’s in there. – She knows exactly what she’s doing. – You are
so paranoid. Please stop fighting. All this shouting is bad for the
baby. Where was that keen parenting insight 50 years ago? Henrietta,
you’re unfit to be a parent. – I’m unfit? – It’s true, jackass. You
think it’s so hard to be a parent to a doll? I could do that. Hey, look,
I’m cradling the baby. Hope I don’t drop it! Oh, no! I dropped it, but
it’s not crying. Guess it’s okay. I’m an amazing parent. What if I left
it in its room all day and didn’t feed it or change it? Oh, that’s okay,
too. I must be mother of the year! – BoJack. – I know! What if for 18
years straight I just tell it how worthless it is every day, how it
embarrasses me, how my life would be better if it was never born? Would
that be a good idea? Probably, right? Give me the baby back, you
worthless waste of my husband’s jism! – Oh, so you do know who I am. –
Govern yourself, Henrietta. Hey, you think the baby would be okay if I
threw it over the side of my deck? Probably, right? BoJack, don’t. Do
it. Nah, I’m just kidding around. Here you go, Mom. Oh, no! My hands are
so slippery! Oh, no! Oh, oh, oh! No! Nice arm. Why did you do that? You
goddamn piece of shit idiot asshole. This is what you do. This is what
you always do. This is why Mom loves Doll more than you. She’s right.
Doll never hurt anybody. Doll wouldn’t throw you over the side of a
mountain. Gotta make things right. Gotta get Doll back. Okay, one drink.
And then, Doll back. You screw-up. You’re making your daughter hate you.
Which is good, because look what happens when people love you. Look at
Penny. And Herb. And Sarah Lynn. It’s because you made them love you,
BoJack. You gotta fix this, dummy. How can you fix this? Princess
Carolyn? She hates your guts. Todd? No. Diane? Yes! Oh, good. Good old
responsible Diane, she’ll know what to do. Oh aah Oh. “California can’t
wait.” Am I Ace of Base right now? Because all that I want is another
one of these babies. BoJack Horseman? What is this, a will.i.am-style
celebrity endorsement video? – Where’s Diane? – Oh, she’s on the roof.
Boy, will she be surprised to see you. Diane! What are you doing? No,
not like this. She doesn’t know I’m here. First time she sees me can’t
be drunk asking for help. – What’s wrong? You need help? – Idiot. You
gotta get me outta here. Where did I park? – Um – Beep. Beep, beep? You
shouldn’t be driving right now. Why don’t I make like Eddie Money and
take you home tonight? No, I can’t go home. Not without Doll. Also,
Eddie Money doesn’t do the taking home in “Take Me Home Tonight,” so if
you’re taking me home, then I would be Eddie Money. Okay, something’s
going on with you. – It’s not like you to be so testy. – Yes, it is.
Everyone, take the rest of the day off. My pal BoJack needs a friend
day. California can wait! Elton, you have to play this wedding. We want
one of those Stranger Things kids to be the ring-bearer. They’re still
little? You’re gonna do a duet with a hologram of Nat King Cole. Or, if
that’s cost-prohibitive, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes. Puberty? Can we give
them something for that? – Great. – Fabulous. We are killing this. We
are doing to this wedding what Rob Durst did to that lady and what Fred
Durst did to his career. I have terrible news. It’s Meryl Streep. Did
Meryl Streep die? No, she’s retiring. Mr. McGregor! You cannot just walk
into a room and say, “I have terrible news about Meryl Streep.” Her
retirement party is scheduled for this Saturday. All of Hollywoo will be
attending. This Saturday? No, no, no! How is #TortneyChortnoy supposed
to compete with that? We’re toast. Unless, uh, we could somehow get
Meryl to postpone her party? Hmm what if we put together a project so
enticing she couldn’t help but climb aboard? – One more gig – Means no
more retirement. But what could we possibly offer her that she hasn’t
already done? – Ah. What does every actor want to do? – Direct. –
Direct! – Yeah. But the dream of any director is to work with Meryl
Streep. You think Meryl wants to direct a bunch of actors who aren’t
Meryl Streep? – Hah! What a nightmare! – Okay, all right. Okay, fine.
But, okay, okay, and this What if all the actors in the movie were Meryl
Streep? – What? No! – Are you suggesting some sort of. The Klumps type
situation where Meryl Streep plays every role? Bingo-bongo,
weirdo-beardo. All the greats have done it. Peter Sellers, Sir Alec
Guinness, Flo from the Progressive ads. Let’s take this to the Streep.
Hey, look. Maybe this is a baby? Mmm. – Welcome – Hey, hey! to the
nightmare, non-sexy version of Three’s Company that my life has become.
Oh, good. Instead of getting the doll back, like you said you would, you
disappeared for a few hours and found a friend. For your information, we
are on the case. Just need a whiff of your mom to track the scent. Uh,
excuse me, young lady, I’m looking for a Beatrice, but you’re way too
young and attractive to be that mean old crone. – What? – What are you
doing? Okay, I’m picking up on some fruity overtones. Oak, desert sage
No, I’m just kidding around. It’s smelling humor. Is this the best time
to be workshopping your tight five? Okay, got it. Ooh, this way? No! No,
no. That way! Out the door! Come on! Here we go! Look at him. Not a care
in the world. How does he do it? This is the place. – Oh, hi, I’m –
BoJack Horseman. – Felicity Huffman? – Looking for this? – Yes! – Well,
keep looking, buddy! You’re a real piece of shit, you know that? Yes.
get in really big fights and then have hot angry sex? – Yeah, but it
kind of works. – Does it? I’m sorry, I feel like we always talk about
me. What’s going on with you, Roxie? – I’m actually glad you asked, I –
Okay. Hey, Diane, can I get your advice on something? Yeah, of course.
I’m not doing anything. – Um – So, I have this friend, and his name is
Darnarius McQuimberton. Oh, yeah, I think I read an article about him in
Real, Not Made-Up, Person Magazine. Darnarius is supposed to get married
this weekend. And it’s going to be an amazing wedding, but it’s kind of
based on a lie. Should he go through with it? Well, all weddings are
lies, right? Sort of. You’re making this big declaration about how
you’re gonna stay with this person forever, but you don’t actually know
that. You’re just saying it. The whole thing is a farce. – Yeah, that’s
true. – But it’s a lie based on truth. Like, at the center of the farce
there’s this nugget of something real and pure. And that strange
beautiful something is why you put up with everything else, right? I
guess so. And sometimes it’s hard to remember that pure, shining thing
because it’s been painted over with so many arguments and compromises
and disappointments. But you have to believe it’s still down there
somewhere, even if you can’t see it. And maybe even the belief in it is
more important than the thing itself, but only as long as you still
believe it. – Does that make sense? – Yeah. Thanks, Diane. You’ve given
me and Darquimbertus McNarington a lot to think about. That was good
advice. I’m, like, a really good friend. – What? – Okay. So that doll
actually belongs to my mom. She’s very sick, very frail. And I know
you’re really mad at me because Think, shit-for-brains, think. Why is
Felicity Huffman mad at you? You cut her off in traffic, got her fired
off a project, talked shit about her at an AIDS benefit and didn’t
realize your mic was on. I have been living directly under your house
for the last 15 years. Do you have any idea how much shit you throw over
the side of your deck? Beer bottles, lit cigarettes, scripts where the
lead is female. One time, a mountain of regurgitated cotton candy sat on
that hill for a month before sliding into my hot tub. Who you think has
to deal with that? I assume your maid or gardener or something? Well,
yeah. But it’s still super-obnoxious. You’re not getting that doll back.
Citizens, citizens. As the future governor of California, I pride myself
on probably being able to reach compromises across the ideological
spectrum. – Oh! What if we cut the baby in half? – What? – Why would we
do that? – No. So you both agree that’s a bad idea. Perhaps you’re not
so different after all? – Peanutbutter. – How is that? Felicity Huffman,
you are a beloved star of film and television. BoJack, you have also
appeared in film and television. What’s that like? Discuss. I’m sorry
for my acquaintance. I’m actually a big fan. I hope she has no follow-up
questions. Really? So you’ve probably seen my new show, – F.H.B.A. Los
Angeles. – What? Yup, love it. How’d you like to do an arc for sweeps?
Ugh, TV? No. I just got out of that sinkhole. He’ll do it, if you give
us our doll back. Hup ho hup! What’s your status? I have breached
Compound Streep. If I don’t make it out of this alive, just know I have
already seen heaven and it is Meryl’s rose garden. – And the offer? – I
put it under a big box that’s propped up by a stick. If she goes to look
and the box falls on her, she’s contractually obligated to do the movie.
Yeah, I know what “packaging talent” means. Okay, she’s walking up to
the box. She’s sniffing around, and We got Meryl! All right! Yes! What
if I throw myself off my deck into Felicity Huffman’s backyard. If she
found my dead body, that’d show her. Why are we at a bar? We’re just
celebrating getting Doll back. You don’t want to bring the doll back to
your mom? I will. We’re just having a drink first. – Relax. – Okay. He
knows you’re terrible. He’s the biggest idiot in the world, even he
knows you’re terrible. So when did you get a daughter? She’s new, right?
– Or was she always part of the gang? – I met her about a month ago. –
Whoa! – Yeah. And it was great, at first. But now I can feel her getting
attached, and I just know I’m gonna BoJack things up. “BoJack things
up?” You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party? Then
share a laugh with your good friend, Mr. Peanutbutter? No, obviously I
meant screw everything up until she hates me. I don’t think I can take
that. Maybe this time, don’t do the thing that makes her hate you. I
don’t want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent
eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I’ve ever done, and I
think, “I don’t deserve that kind of love.” Look, BoJack, I don’t know a
lot about balancing a state budget – or how a bill becomes a law. – Uh I
don’t know a lot about a lot of things. Everybody deserves to be loved.
So we put together an all-star wedding and a Meryl Streep movie in one
day! – You got to admit, we’re a good team. – Rutabaga I know it wasn’t
always smooth sailing for the Good Ship You and Me, but now you’ve got a
boyfriend and I’ve got a family, and since we have to work together
again, we’re a good team. Tell me you didn’t miss this. – Todd is on
line two. – Aaah! Do you go through the walls? Todd! Have you finished
your groomsmen list? We gotta figure out how many parachutes we need.
Uh, guys, I I can’t marry Courtney. – What? – No! I’ve been doing some
thinking, and marriage is like a Tootsie Pop. The lollipop part is a
lie, but at the center of the lie there’s a truth. That’s the Tootsie
Roll, and that’s why people get married. But if I married Courtney it
would be a lie without any truth in it, like a Tootsie Pop with just the
lollipop part and nothing in the middle. So, a lollipop? That’s still
pretty good. I guess it’s a bad analogy. But I don’t want a fake
marriage. I’m sorry I didn’t realize that before. Okay, Todd. You gotta
do what’s right for you. Thanks, Princess Carolyn. Whoa All right, blue
sky time. Wedding’s off. Can we spin this somehow? Courtney got jilted,
play the sympathy card? I guess we could put out a statement. That’s
your solution? What happened to the guy from this morning with all the
big ideas? Oh, that guy dies at six. This guy’s gotta get home. I got
seven kids and a wife who’s really into me co-parenting, or, as she
calls it, “parenting.” Well, can’t you tuck the kids into bed, read them
some script coverage of the film adaptation of Good Night Moon and then
come back? – This is important. – Well, my kids are important. Fine,
both things are equally important. Oh, my God, thank God you’re not a
mother. You would be hilarious at it. Hey, today was fun. I’ll call you
in the morning. We’ll figure this out. We’ll deal with it. If you’d like
to never see him again, I have ways of getting rid of him. What kind of
ways? Asking him politely to not come back. Actually, that’s only one
way. I apologize for misleading you about the number of ways. He’s a
jerk, right? It’s not just me? I worked with guys like him at F.M.E.
When I left, I swore I would never work at a big agency again, because I
can’t work with people like that. You don’t think I’m like that? No,
because you care about people other than yourself. And for what it’s
worth, you will be a wonderful mother. – You’re not just saying that? –
I never just say anything. I choose words very carefully, with an eye
towards precision and expediency. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed
that. – Good night, Judah. – Mm-hmm. Okay. – It’s about time, Henrietta.
– You’re welcome. Go talk to her, idiot. Drink first. No, you stupid
alcoholic. Talk to your daughter. You’re ruining her. You know that,
right? No matter what, your poison is already in her. There’s nothing
you can do. That’s not true. Yeah, it is, you stupid piece of shit.
You’re a real stupid piece of shit, and everywhere you go you destroy
people. Your mother never loved you. That’s why Sarah Lynn died,
Charlotte’ll never forgive you. What you gonna do to Hollyhock? What you
gonna do, asshole? Shut up! Got Doll back. No big deal. Where do you go,
when you disappear all day? Just drive around. Sometimes I go to a bar.
Sometimes I pull over by the side of the road, just sit there for hours.
Why? And you’d rather do that – than spend time with me? – Hollyhock I
know you didn’t ask for this dorky 17-year-old to just show up at your
door. And I’m sorry if I’m annoying, but I didn’t ask – No, Hollyhock,
I’m glad you’re here. – Oh. If I’m shitty, that’s just because I’m
shitty. You’re allowed to be mad at me, but you need to know that
whatever I do, it’s not your fault. I know. I mean, I know, but I don’t
always know, you know? Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice in the
back of my head that goes, like, “Hey, everyone hates you! And they’re
not wrong to feel that way!” I know what you mean. That voice, the one
that tells you you’re worthless and stupid and ugly? – Yeah? – It goes
away, right? It’s just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it
goes away? Yeah. Boxer vs. Raptor, Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack
Horseman (2014)
4 7 Underground 1 [DIALS RAPIDLY.] [LINE RINGING.] Whew. – BoJack? – I’m
back in L.A. – I should have called you – Yeah. You should have. – I
said I was sorry. – No, you didn’t. – Okay. Good to hear from you,
BoJack. – No [SIGHS.] Ugh. [SIGHS.] What the? Okay, thank you.
What’s going on here? Fundraising dinner for the Peanutbutter for
California campaign. – All right, I’m just gonna – Sorry. It’s a
fundraiser. – Uh – BoJack! I love your ironic take on black-tie attire.
It really says, “I truly don’t care what you think of me.” This light
bulb won’t let me in to your house without paying. Ah, sorry about that.
Gotta raise those funds. – Can’t I just – Thanks for your support,
buddy. – Means so much. Erica! – Hey Look at you, with the right number
of ears! – Look, I just – Twenty thousand dollars a plate. [GROWLS.] –
Hmm! – [POPS.] Oh. Hey, do you have another bathroom? They’re all
occupied, and I gotta pee. Not because I’m pregnant or anything. Because
if I were pregnant, it would be bad luck to tell you this early.
Presuming it was early. But I’m not pregnant. This is just a normal,
non-pregnant gal type of having to pee. – There’s a bathroom in the pool
house. – You’re a lifesaver. Pardon me! Out of my way. Uh-oh. Am I in
Ithaca? Because you are looking “gorges” this evening. Well, I must be
in Nazi Germany, because you’re “not so” bad yourself. – I’m sorry,
yours was better. – [BOJACK.] Hi. Whoa. [MUNCHES.] Well, I should
go. Looks like the work wife/ex-wife is talking to my other ex-wife. –
You have two ex-wives here? – Katrina’s his campaign manager.
[PEANUTBUTTER.] And Jessica Biel loves getting photographed at fancy
fundraisers. If it isn’t my two favorite ladies, in the same room! This
is great. – Hey. – BoJack, I’m busy. You haven’t seen me for a year and
a half. Yeah, because you disapp No, I am not doing this now. – Why
don’t you get yourself a drink? – I will get a drink. I will get $20,000 worth of drinks. [CRUNCHES.] [SIGHS.] Oh, Norman, we have to support the – Ooh, yes. – All right. [GRUNTS.] Hi, Zach Braff. Zach Braff. Hey there. Famous actor Zach Braff, how you doing? – [GLASS CLINKS.] – Everyone? Thank you all for being here. We’re gonna beat that scoundrel Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz Boo! and bring likability back to politics. [CHEERING.] I especially want to thank my pro-fracking pals for being here tonight. You know, my wife said, “Don’t frack,” but we did it anyway, and it all worked out. – Love you, sweetie. – Mm-hmm. Finally oh! Sorry about that, folks. I sensed an earthquake. Must have been a false Oh, hey now! Nope, I was definitely wrong. Listen to me, I’m the dog who cried earthquake. [LAUGHING.] – [BANGS.] – [VOICES OVERLAPPING.] – We’re gonna die! – Oh, fudge! – Oh, my God. Oh, my God. – I can’t die! I’m not famous enough yet to make the “In Memoriam” montage at the Oscars! I have so many regrets! I just picked up a family sitcom where the mom is a zombie! [MOANS.] It’s called Mombie, and it’s terrible! I have a condition where every time I sense a shift in power dynamics, I have a tiny orgasm! I have no original ideas, I just repeat things I hear. – I’ve never been in love! – I’ve never been in love! I tried gay at theater camp! I regret everything! – [PEANUTBUTTER.] Whoa! – [BOJACK LAUGHS.] – [CRASHES.] – [ALL GASP.] [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.] [VOICES OVERLAPPING.] Hello? Is anyone getting any bars? I’m not getting any baa-rs. Can someone validate my valet ticket? I would like to go home now. There’s no way out. Okay. Everybody stay sane. I propose we set each other on fire for warmth. Who wants to be set on fire first? Not me, I’m Jessica Biel. [WOMAN.] Yeah, that’s right. The natives are getting restless, so why don’t you say something to comfort them? Okay. Everyone, remain calm! No one’s going to light anyone on fire. For one thing, that’d eat up a lot of oxygen and who knows how much we have down here. – [MAN.] I want oxygen! – [MAN SCREAMS.] Air! I need air! [GUESTS SCREAMING.] God. – You okay, sweetie? – I think so. – That was really scary. – Yeah. At least we know no one is specifically at fault. Well, except for San Andreas. This was because you fracked under our house. I told you fracking was dangerous, and you didn’t listen. And now our house is ruined and we’re trapped underground, and we’re all going to die! – Is this one of our sexy fights? – [YELLS.] No! Hmm. [SIGHS.] Oh, you gotta be kidding me. You can be mad at me or get drunk with me, but you can’t do both. Watch me. Oh, what the shit? [CREAKS, CRASHES.] – Oh, fish. – [TODD.] Uh hello? – What are you doing in there? – Uh, I live here. Didn’t you know there was a huge party going on? I was going to go to the party after my bath, but then I realized the bath was the party. Oh, God. Well, I’m not waiting around to be rescued like some chump. Come on, let’s go. [TODD.] Whoa! – We gotta go in there? – Well, I don’t see any other way. Sometimes life is like the second season of Friday Night Lights You gotta push through and hope there’s better stuff ahead. Aw-ww! Guys, let’s all try to just stay cool and make the best of things, huh? “Make the best of things”? You idiot, we’re trapped and we’re terrified. Okay, settle down, you future hard Jeopardy question. Let’s hear what the idiot has to say. So that’s a re-up on the idiot part? How are we supposed to make the best of things? – We’re stuck underground. – This is true. But most of us are important celebrities, so someone will come for us soon. And for you regulars, I’m sure they’ll bring you up with us! What do we do till then? We’re actors! I say we put on a show. Who’s with me? A show? Who will be the star? Me, I assume. Sure you’ll be the star, and you’ll be the star! And you’ll be the star! We’ll all be the star! Folks, I promise you we will be out of here in no time. [CHEERING.] And that’s when I realized I just don’t have the face for bangs. Oh, my God, thank you so much. You’re too kind! Thank you. Thank you, Phoebe, for that rousing Tale from the Above Ground. Who’s next? I can’t take this anymore. I need to get out. This is the longest I’ve gone without moisturizing, – and I feel like a lizard! – Humph. – No offense. – It’s only been 72 hours. I’m missing my general meeting at CBS. I’m supposed to get baa-ck to work. I can’t live like this! We’ve gotta light someone on fire. I’m starting to think that less-famous Michelle Monaghan has the right idea – about lighting people on fire. – Thank you. Come on, party people, keep it together. Let’s not forget why we’re here To raise money for my campaign, and more recently, to not go crazy and murder each other. Can someone please bring me my car? It’s a Prius. A silver Prius. You’re killing me, Zach. [SIGHS.] Mr. Peanutbutter, you can do this. Be the leader that I know you can be. Yeah. You’re right. I’ve totally got this. – [BANGS.] – What in the world? “Vox clamantis in deserto.” – It is I. – Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz! – We’re saved! – Wow! Oh, thank God. A leader. – [DIANE LAUGHS.] – [BOJACK.] Sh. What’s going on down here? Anyone’s looking for us? We’re cool. Just being cool, don’t worry. Diane, have you just been getting drunk with BoJack this whole time? – What? I’m still mad at you. – [BOJACK LAUGHING.] – Citizens, remain calm. – Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying! Rescue workers are coming but it could be a while. State emergency funds have been depleted due to budget overruns on a costly bridge to Hawaii that’s being constructed. Oh, yeah! Since a woodchuck is a digging animal, I came to get you out early. Is that what a woodchuck is? Why did I think it was like a beaver? What’s it like out there, Woodchuck? Whole neighborhood totaled? – Is the city in chaos? – No, it’s really just your house. Because of all the fracking that’s been happening underneath your house. Oh! Interesting! – Ay-yi-yi. – Oh, right, right. So you just burrowed down here to rescue your political opponent’s top donors. That’s convenient. It was actually very inconvenient, but I put politics aside to save you people from dying. Three cheers for Woodchuck! [ALL.] Hip, hip, hooray! Please, don’t cheer too loudly. The tunnel is very delicate. – Hip, hip, hooray! – Seriously, I think it’s best to – Hip, hip, hooray! – [RUMBLING.] [SIGHS.] – Let’s cheer one more time, – just for fun! – No, please. – Four cheers. Why not? Hip, hip – Hooray! – No! – [RUMBLING.] [SCREAMS.] So turns out three cheers was probably an adequate number of cheers. [RUMBLING.] – What was that? – Just keep walking. God, I can’t wait to get home. I don’t even have a home anymore. Oh, man, where am I going to keep all my different colored hats I never wear? Well, if you need another couch to crash on, there’s always my place. – Didn’t you move in with Ralph? – Yeah, but I kept the old apartment. – Just in case, I guess. – In case of what? – [FAINT CHATTERING.] – What was that? Whoa! Oh! [YELPS.] Now, ladies, just calm down. We can talk about this. What are we gonna do, Princess Carolyn? [ANTS GASP.] [CHATTERING.] Did you say you’re a princess? – That’s just my name. I’m a manager. – It’s like an agent. – It’s totally different. – Is it, though? – Silence! You negotiate deals? – Mm-hmm. You could be of service, Manager Carolyn. [ANT LEADER LAUGHS.] My hands they’re crushed. There’s no way I can dig us back out now. Well, I can dig! Actually, no one should dig. Your foundation is basically Swiss cheese. The slightest provocation, could cause another collapse that would crush us all. [ALL GASP.] I know that because I bought a sitcom about fracking, The Frack Shack. It’s New Girl meets fracking. [CHUCKLES.] Oh, God, no one’s gonna watch that show, huh? [GROANS.] Someone will be coming for us soon. In the meantime, we must organize. Parcel out food and water and see how much we’ve got. – I’ll assign team leaders. – Oh, no. I’m sensing a shift in power. [GROANS.] [GUESTS CHUCKLING.] All right. Um – God! – For you, a banana – because you’re so appealing. – Yeah. And for you, a radish. Enjoy. Mr. Peanutbutter, this is a disaster. I don’t think so. I’m food captain, and I am loving it. – And who made you the food captain? – Woodchuck. Exactly. He’s in charge. Excuse me, you have not been allocated those rations. I’m a horse. I need more food, and I’m a celebrity. – Everyone down here is a celebrity. – Not the caterers. Relinquish the food. Hey. Here’s your chance. Actually, Woodchuck, this is my house and BoJack can eat whatever he wants. This man has already reached his allotted food portion for the day. Who said we have to go by your rules? Yeah, who made you leader of underground? I’m just gonna take all this and You’ve appointed me. Yes, I under citizens, look Keep it together. [GRUNTS.] – Weird stuff going on downstairs. – [CLICKING.] Humph. – I can’t believe this is my life. – Uh-oh. Too much sad booze for you. Where’s the happy booze? I’m trapped underground and it’s all my husband’s fault and I’m gonna die in this mansion in a mass grave with his ex-wives. Okay. But on the bright side Look, Mr. Peanutbutter loves you, you got a cool job, you got friends. Jesus, you’re right. Even when I was above ground, I wasn’t satisfied. Oh, my God. I’m the problem! [SOBBING.] Whoa! What the? Why can’t I be happy? Am I busted? No. It I am! I’m a pit. I’m a pit that good things fall into! Diane, you’re not a pit. I’m a pit! [SOBBING.] [SIGHS.] I can’t believe I’m crying. This is so dumb. It’s okay. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. You disappeared for a year and a half. So you do want to talk about it. Just took four solid days of drinking. If you were back in L.A., why didn’t you call me? – I wasn’t ready. – Ready? For what? I wanted to be better when you saw me again. And I thought I could be, somehow. But I’m not. And even if I did get better, the best I could ever be is still just some other version of me. BoJack, I can’t wait for you to be better. I need you in my life. – Really? – You’re the biggest asshole I know, and you’re the only thing that makes sense to me. [DIANE SIGHS, MOANS.] People should be able to have some control over their lives down here. – Yeah! – People need boundaries. Leadership means sometimes being the bad guy. You hear that? Woodchuck’s a bad guy! I don’t want a bad guy to be our leader. – That’s not – That’s a point for Mr. Peanutbutter. And I’m the good guy, so that’s two points for me. What points? There are no points. – This is not a game! – Well, maybe there should be points. – Yeah! – Points! People seem to like my points idea. That’s another point for me. Well, I’m the one who came down here to save you in the first place. Surely I get points for that. Asking for points is conceited. That’s more points for me. – He’s right! – What?! If you came down to save us, why are we still here? [ALL.] Yeah! You had one job, and you couldn’t do it! – Yeah! – That’s right. Minus point for Woodchuck. I implore you not to fall into a mob mentality. – He called us a mob! Let’s kill him! – Yeah! Folks, Woodchuck’s political philosophy is as broken as his hands. That is a convincing argument. He does have broken hands. Maybe it’s time an outsider took control. An outsider like me, the guy whose house this is. [CHANTING.] Peanutbutter, Peanutbutter. Peanutbutter everybody. [CHANTING.] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! – Me! – Peanutbutter! – Me! – Peanutbutter! [FAINT CHANTING.] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter – [SNORING.] – BoJack. BoJack. – BoJack. – What? – Did you know I can juggle? – Cool. Are you okay? I mean, outside of our current situation of being buried alive and almost out of alcohol except for cooking sherry and Midori? It’s just been a rough couple years with Sarah Lynn dying and Herb. – And Corduroy? – Cordu-what now? Corduroy? Jackson-Jackson? Died of autoerotic “asphyx-ization”? Oh, yeah, him too. And now I got this girl in my house, this daughter-type. You got daughter? Ruh-roh. – [CLATTERS.] – Yeah, I got daughter, “ruh-roh.” Supposed to help her figure out who her mother is. But I don’t know where to start. Did she try sending mutual consent form to the adoption agency? What, what words? Well, if it’s closed adoption, you send a mutual consent form. Basically says, “I wanna be open now!” If Mom says same thing, boom-bah-boo! Smo-pen Sesame! – How do you know about that? – I had an adopted brother. And also for a while, I hoped I was adopted. – Ugh! – Huh. – Whoa! – Ooh! Who dares disturb Queen Antonia? My name is Princess Carolyn. I represent the soldiers of Subcolony K-147, who feel they’re doing all the work while reaping none of the spoils. Everything my soldiers do benefits the colony. I had this same conversation with Jeffrey Katzenberg. Believe me, this doesn’t end well for you. [SIGHS.] What are your demands? [WHISPERS.] They want to have sex with your drones. My drones? [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.] Mm-hmm. Oliver, assemble the small council. Uh, If we’re gonna be down here a while, can I get a new towel? [GUESTS CHANTING.] Woodchuck’s aa-always telling us what to do! He says help is coming, but how does he know? What if he’s lying? [WAILS.] And I have still not been validated! If you could all be patient We’re sick of waiting! It’s time for new leadership. That attempted movie star is right! I declare Mr. Peanutbutter President-for-life of Underground. [GUESTS.] Yeah! [GRUNTING.] Uh, uh, oh! – Thank you! – What? No! – What do we do with Woodchuck? – He must be made an example of. – [MAN.] Get him! – Yeah! All right, guys, all right. Calm down. We don’t need to “get him.” Let’s just tie him up someplace where he can’t hurt us anymore with his dangerous ideas. Do not tie me up. That isn’t necessary. No, don’t no! – [CHANTING.] Peanutbutter! – No! – Peanutbutter! – Thank you, thank you all. As my first act as President-for-life, I declare that everyone is allowed to eat and drink whatever they want! [ALL.] Yeah! [CRASHING.] – [GROANS.] – [WHIMPERS.] Agh! I’m starving, and not the normal celebrity kind of starving like I always am. Or even red-carpet-season starving. – Where’s the food? – [WOODCHUCK.] You ate all the food. This is it! Nobody’s coming for us. We need to kill someone for food. – Hmm! – Oh! Let’s eat Mr. Peanutbutter! He has the word “peanut butter” in his name! [ALL.] Yeah! Guys, guys, guys, maybe we don’t need to eat anybody! – [ALL GROAN.] – What’s this now? Let’s listen to the guy who’s saying don’t kill me. He’s got some interesting ideas. Listen to me, everyone. Please. I’m known for monologues that sum things up at the end of the show. I drive a Prius, which means I’m a good person. Let’s not surrender to our basest instincts. I know times are tough, but I’m sure if we band together and really concentrate on the problem at hand, we can, as a group of friends [SCREAMS.] – Oh, my God. – Biel! The rule of man is over. Now begins the rule of fire. – [HOWLS.] Oh, why? – Jessica, no. I will no longer be shackled by the civilized society of the above ground. This is Underground, and the only law here is flame. The fire wants not for justice. The fire wants not for reason. – The fire desires only to be fed! – Feed the fire! – The fire is my new god! – [MOANS.] Oh, God! I’m so sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter, but the tide has turned and I side with the fire now. Tonight, we dine on Zach Braff. – Tomorrow, canine cuisine! – No. You, take him to his spot, and make him stay. – [SQUAWKS.] – No! No! Please! Listen to reason this time! [GULPS.] Ah-hh! I think that’s all of it. I can’t go back to my old life sober. It’s so empty. Okay, okay. Here’s the secret to being happy. Oh, I can’t wait to hear this. Just pretend you are happy, and eventually you’ll forget you’re pretending. Maybe you’re right. I just need to stop complaining and work harder. Everyone else is doing it. Why am I so special? – [DOOR BANGS.] – Lock him in here! – Please! Diane, my sweet wife. – What’s going on? Marvin Gaye. The People of Underground have a new god, the fire. And for my crimes I will be fed to its ravenous flames. My only hope is the meat of Zach Braff proves lasting, but I fear by daybreak, there will be no Braff meat left. – What’s going on? – Four Non-Blondes. Everybody out except the prisoner. – [DIANE.] No! – Easy on the merchandise! Get off me! Well, it’s been a tough week, lots of back and forth, but I think we’ve reached an agreement that meets everybody’s needs. “The queen will share male sex servants with the soldiers” for one night of magnificent, sensuous splendor, a gorgeous bacchanal of hedonistic delights, “with a second orgy pickup option, pursuant on success of the first.” [HISSING.] My clients are satisfied with those terms. Great. Now can we please return to the surface world? All my favorite clouds are up there. Oh, I like this one. He’s got moxie and a soft thorax. How did you find your fleshy self in my kingdom, you pink marshmallow? We were at this big Beverly Hills fundraiser. There was an earthquake, and now everyone’s trapped underground. Did you say Beverly Hills? Ugh! Of course. Surface dwellers are always moving in on our territory. First they move here, then taxes go up, the next thing you know, there’s a Whole Foods. How am I supposed to concentrate on a great orgy when I’ve got gentrification on my mind? No, we’ve got to get those interlopers out of here. – Let’s – Hey! Hold on. – Uh – [JESSICA.] Mr. Peanutbutter, did you or did you not tell us we could eat whatever we wanted? [ALL.] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! We gotta do something. Mr. Peanutbutter’s the only non-shitty thing that’s ever happened to me and now they’re gonna set him on fire. Okay. What would non-hungover Diane do? She’s smart. I don’t know. I need water. There is no more water. That’s the problem. “Choodwuck” is right. Wait, isn’t there water, under the ground? Like, a well? – Yeah! And we’re underground. – If we dig, we’ll get water! Do not dig. The ground is very volatile. Quiet, sky rodent! To the shovels! Mr. Peanutbutter, your time is nigh. Any last words before we light you on fire? Yes, if I could just say, “Don’t light me on fire”? The fire bends to no man’s will. Nothing can defeat the fire. Only [DIANE.] Water! [JESSICA.] What? [GASPS.] – Oh, wow, it’s really water. – Water is stronger than fire. Wait, let’s not really forget how ugh! Water is my new god now! Oh, boy. – Clear gold! – All right, water! H-2-Oh, boy, we hit the freaking jackpot! Hang on. It’s it’s not stopping. Which is great! You hit a pipe, you drunken imbeciles. H-2-Oh, no! [GUESTS WHIMPERING.] Well, I guess this is it. – [BANGS.] – Oh, God! It’s another earthquake! [ALL SCREAMING.] How is this happening? [ANTS.] Heave! Heave! Heave! Get them out of here! Okay. No! Please! I’m important down here! [GUESTS.] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [CRASHES.] Oh, what an eyesore. The HOA will be hearing about this. We are never talking about any of this ever again. Whew. So I will see you tomorrow. We’ve got a rally in Bakersfield and then we’re touring a tennis ball factory in Modesto. Okay. – Hi. – Hi. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. – I don’t tell you that enough. – It’s okay. If this governor thing is really important to you It’s not. You saw me in there. I’m a terrible leader. I don’t want to be governor. I just wanted people to like me. Well, I like you. Come on, Diane, let’s go home oh, right. Well, thanks for inviting me to your party. I had a wonderful time. Evening really flew by. Sure. – You guys hungry? – I could eat. Ethiopian? Ooh, haven’t done Ethiopian in a while. I should go home. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in ten days. He’s probably worried about me. I’m down for Ethiopian. I love that sponge bread. – What do they call it, “injera”? – Yeah, injera. – Injera, right. – That’s right. Yeah, that’s good bread. Back in the 90’s I was in a very famous TV show – I’m BoJack the horseman – BoJack BoJack the horseman Don’t act like you don’t know And I’m trying to hold on to my past It’s been so long I don’t think I’m gonna last I guess I’ll just try And make you understand That I’m more horse than a man Or I’m more man than a horse BoJack! [MAN.] Boxer vs. Raptor. Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 4 8 The Judge So I send in the form, and if my mom wants to meet me too, – then we meet? – Yeah. And if she doesn’t want to meet me, then I get to feel that hot sting of rejection all over again. What a fun adventure this all is. You know what is fun? You coming with me to my first day on my new show. “BoJack Horseman in F.H.B.A. Los Angeles, starring BoJack Horseman as ‘the Judge.’” What is F.H.B.A.? I think it’s one of those shows about Navy sex crimes that have gone cold? And there may be numbers or something? Then, they call “the Judge.” I’m just excited to get out of the house. I’ve been getting really fidgety cooped up on that hill. Like I got tiny little bumps crawling around on the inside of my skin, you know? Totally. Look at this guy, texting in the middle of the intersection. You have been judged to be a shitty driver. I’m the Judge. I sentence you to kiss my ass. Boom! You got “judged.” It feels good to be a dramatic actor again. To make someone laugh is a craft, to be sure, but to make someone cry, on purpose, that is a precious gift. Hey, I’m Miles, the production intern. Can I get you anything? Water? That’s so sweet of you. Actually, that’s so his job of him. – Hey, PA, whose name I already forgot. – It’s Miles, and I’m an intern. Still not interested. Can you take my daughter to “video village”? I wanna make sure she sees me at my most awesome, which is with a slightly high angle to avoid appearance of a double chin. Note to director. – Right this way. – Okay. Quiet! Rolling! Previously on F.H.B.A. Los Angeles I may be a human rights lawyer, but those skanks are human wrongs. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell kids in the cancer ward. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to win and/or cure cancer. Tonight, the girls return from Booty Boot Camp and face new judge, BoJack Horseman. Will BoJack turn the other cheek, or is this the week the booties hit the floor? This is Felicity Huffman’s Booty Academy: Los Angeles! Um what’s all this then? On Booty Academy, we’re here to find out who’s got the right behind and who’s going to be left behind. BoJack, do you have anything you’d like to say to the contestants before we give our verdict? No, I’m good. Very well. Calliope, you are “ready for this jelly.” You can stay another week. “Tasha, our ‘anaconda don’t want none.” Cover up your bottom and go. No! Your booty’s been adjudicated! Cut! This is bullshit! – Callin’ my manager! – Remind me what this show is? – I know, remind me? – my publicist! Felicity Huffman’s Booty Academy. It was supposed to be Felicity Huffman’s Future Leaders of America, but it got retooled a little by the network. So are we judging who has the best booty? Whoa, BoJack, no. That is so degrading. So if it’s not about their butts, then why is the other judge Sir Mix-A-Lot? Because I’m an honest and impartial judge. And if there’s one thing I’m famous for, it’s that I cannot lie. Yeah, I guess that would be the one thing. Hey, can we go home now? Being around all these skinny L.A. ladies makes me feel like a blob. Well, I gotta shoot for, like, ten more hours. Are you serious? Apparently, it takes three hours to set up the”badonka-donka-dobstacle course.” So making TV is like a full-time job? Then why is it so bad? I just assumed people weren’t trying. Uh, I don’t mean to butt in here, but shouldn’t your daughter be in school? Shouldn’t you be “Sir Minding-Your-Own-Business-A-Lot”? I graduated early and took a gap year. My friend Maryssa is backpacking through Europe, but lucky me, I get to hang out in this butt-infested warehouse. Oh. All right. Someone better be checking the pH levels of that Jacuzzi because these bitches are basic. Hey, you wanna explore the back lot? They got a whole area that was built to look like downtown Toronto. That’s where they shoot the stuff set in New York. Are you allowed to just leave the set? What are they gonna do? Dock my pay? I’m an intern. They don’t pay me. I got all the power! Princess Carolyn, you are going to love Stilton Acres. We have a sauna and a tennis court and a giant hedge maze. And if you make it all the way through the maze, you get some sugar water. And you’re gonna love the Feast of Saint Squeaky. It’s the holiest of all mouse holidays. We prepare a feast of Swiss Because it’s the holiest of all cheeses? Because it was all our ancestors could carry when they were trying to escape for their lives. Oh because it has holes! – That’s very funny. – Thanks. I really want you and my parents to get along. They can be kind of a lot, especially around the holidays. I’m sure I’m going to love them. And they’re gonna love me. I’m Princess Carolyn! I’m sure they will too. But let’s wait until after they love you to tell them about, you know, Philbert. Of course. But what about her? Don’t worry. She’s on her phone. Unless Ralph and Princess Carolyn’s secret baby starts to trend, she won’t notice anything we do or say. Stefani? Stefani? Whoa. Katrina! Just the person I wanted to talk to! – How’s hotel life? – Marvelous! Room service, tiny ketchup bottles, handy list of cable channels. Now I know why so many people like being homeless. – Mr. Peanutbutter, that’s not – On the phone, darling. Well, I just found you the perfect new campaign headquarters. I’m gonna sign the lease now, unless you think of a reason I shouldn’t. Nothing comes to mind. Great! It’s done. Now, what did you wanna talk to me about? – I’m dropping out of the race. – What?! Woodchuck’s a better leader than I’ll ever be. This election is about bigger things than just you and Woodchuck. What is it about then? It’s about hope, and freedom, and powerful lobbyists who pay me to elect a governor I can control so we can get legislation passed that allows them to build private prisons on what are now protected wetlands. Well, hopefully those evil lobbyists can find some other puppet to do their bidding. Why would you hope that? I’m done running for governor, so you’re fired. No hard feelings, right? You idiot. I will end you! Bye, Cruella! – Hello. – Stefani! – Hello. – Oh, darling, you’re home. – Nice to meet you. – Princess Carolyn! – Hello. – I’m Poppy! This is my wife, Mimi. And this is our son, Sissy. And this is my wife, Missy. And the boys, Tweeds, Nantucket, and Loophole! Ugh. It’s so wonderful to meet you all! – Can I get you a cocktail? – Oh. No, thank you. – Wine? – That’s all right. I will consider it a personal affront if you won’t at least have a beer. – I shouldn’t. – What about a very caffeinated coffee? – No. – Raw shellfish? – Not tonight. – Cigarette? – I don’t smoke. – That’s okay. You can just stand around me while I smoke. – No, I don’t want to. – Cocaine, then? I so appreciate that, and I hate to be rude, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea. Would you like me to punch you in the belly real quick so you remember what it’s like to be alive? That’s a rich person thing. Oh, I know. I grew up around rich people. But I’m actually good, as far as belly-punchings go. Well, can I at least offer you a ride on our private rollercoaster? Surely, there’s no reason you wouldn’t want to do that. – So if you decline, I will be offended. – Oh. Also, not that it’s relevant, but the rollercoaster is specifically discouraged for children under five and pregnant women. But since you are neither of those, obviously, there’s no reason you will not want to ride on our family’s really fun rollercoaster. – Okay, look, the truth is – Hey, Dad! Why don’t you tell Princess Carolyn one of your great golf stories? – Say, there’s an idea. – Yes! So here I am with a mashie when what I need is a niblick. Wow, golf. Fore! Am I right? Yes, that’s exactly right. Golf. Californians, this is an endorsement! My message is simple. If you want to vote Peanutbutter, vote Coodchuck-Berkowitz because a vote for Coodchuck-Berkowitz is a vote for Peanutbutter. Uh Since Peanutbutter likes Coodchuck-Berkowitz. So if you like Coodchuck-Berkowitz, vote like Mr. Peanutbutter – Excuse me – for Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz. So if we want to vote for Woodchuck, we should vote for you? – No. – Yes. – By voting for Woodchuck. – Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter. I look forward to moving past the political divisiveness of this campaign and finally focusing on the issues. What’s with the gorilla feet? As I’ve explained before, my hands were crushed during the fracking incident. There were no hand transplants readily available, but gorilla feet are somewhat hand-like. So I am using them temporarily while my doctors find me more suitable replacements. They sure made a monkey out of you, huh? They did no such thing. Gorillas are apes. I feel that went pretty well. Yes, well, thank you for dropping out of the race. Rest assured, under my stewardship, the state will be in good – You were gonna say “hands” weren’t you? – Ugh. So, what’s next for us two amigos? Mr. Peanutbutter, we don’t need your help on the campaign. We are running virtually unopposed. I think our team can handle it from here. Wha-wha-wha-what? The best way you can help us is to go back to your regular life and stay out of politics forever. So this chapter of my life is over? Doggy, doggy. What now? Coochy-coochy-coochy Hey, Mom. You got something in the mail. Have I received any gentleman callers today? I’m expecting a visit from Corbin Creamerman. You know what? I’ll check. You could learn a thing or two from him, Henrietta! Mm-hmm. – Hey, where have you been? – I’ll make coffee. Oh, uh well, Miles actually took me to check out UCLA. He took me to a party, and I got to sleep in a dorm room, and Wow, look at the time. That’s enough questioning of me, and where I’ve been, and what I’ve been doing. See ya later! Hold up. Did you and that PA hook up last night? BoJack! We didn’t just hook up. Miles is a really interesting soul, – and I feel like we connected. – Oh, boy. Okay. Sit down. Hollyhock, you are never gonna hear from that guy again. Okay, actually, I am, because when I left his dorm he said he would, and I quote, “Definitely text me.” Oh, wow, I didn’t realize. Should we plan the wedding for you and teenage-boy-you-slept-with who-said-he-would-definitely-text-you“? Very funny. Believe me, I take no pleasure in telling you this, but that kid is never, ever, ever Ooh! BoJack Hollyhock, it is very rude to interrupt. Now, where was I? Right. You’ll never ever hear from this guy again. – But, I – Ba-ba-ba! In fact, if he texts you, I will do a hundred pushups. That’s how sure I am, since there is no possible way”Had a great time last night. Kilometers.” “Kilometers”? It’s an inside joke between me and Miles. Not inside enough. I figured it out and it’s dumb. Ooh. He wants to take me to a party tonight. Shouldn’t you be doing pushups? Nope, can’t. Impossible. Anyone who says they did a pushup is lying. That him canceling? Classic move. No, he wants to spend the day together. Oh. Well, you wanna have breakfast first? I got a box of crullers, of which one remains. Nah, I’m good with this coffee. I’ll be home for dinner, though. Bye! Okay. Forty-six, 47 Ah! I could do this all day. We have gathered in Todd’s new apartment to discuss the future of PB Livin’. You told me this was an intervention to get Todd to stop coming up with awful ideas. That was a pretense to get you to show up. – What? – It was Todd’s idea. What else you got, Todd? Well, I got this one thing. I don’t know. It might be pretty dumb. – You bite your tongue. – Yes, bite it all the way off! All your ideas are beyond terrible. Well, in that case, I guess I must have “terrible” business instincts. – You do! – Because I wanna hear it. They say “the devil’s in the details,” so let’s summon the devil! Okay, so you know how hard it is – to get your kids to go to the dentist? – I don’t. But what if dentists had a friendlier face? Ooh! What if you could take your kids to a dentist’s office where all the dentists were clowns? – What?! – Kids love clowns! – Do kids love clowns? – Actually Don’t they? Who else would clowns be for? Because adults don’t love clowns. That is true. Adults find clowns creepy and off-putting. So kids must love clowns, because otherwise, why would there be clowns? That is sound logic. Okay. I want these clown dentists laughing maniacally as they drill into the teeth of America’s children, starting yesterday! As someone who does have children, I have to say, a lot of kids are actually terrified of clowns! Are they? Hm. That would have been helpful information before I committed. But my word is my bond and I already said yes, didn’t I? Okay, so do we find dentists and train them to be clowns, or do we get clowns and train them to be dentists? Why don’t we get clowns and dentists and they can train each other? Oh, somebody call the police department, because you are on fire! Aw, jeez. And without missing a beat, I say, “Well, when life gives you lemons, make an Arnold Palmer.” It’s been so wonderful getting to know you all these last few days. We’re so happy to have you. Now, let the festivities begin. – Sissy, hand out those cat ears. – Cat ears? – And this is for you. – I want those. See, the feast is about remembering the ancient tale of a heroic mouse named Squeaky. And we always start by wearing cat ears and singing the song of Squeaky’s enemy, the cat tyrant, King Pusspuss. Looks like Princess Carolyn won’t need any cat ears to look evil. Okay, that’s actually a stereotype. Cats do take baths. Darling, licking yourself does not qualify. Aw, come on, it was funny. Oh! Right in the cat gut! Hooray! Sorry, it gets a little graphic. I really wish you’d told me your family’s holiday was so anti-cat. It’s just an old story about one bad cat. It’s not about every cat. – Death to all cats! – Whoo-hoo! – All right! – I forgot about that part. It’s kinda like church. You say the words so many times, you forget what they mean. Oh-hh – Agh! – Hello, Hollyhock. Oh, come on. Wait there. There’s a spare bulb in the kitchen. I’ve been sitting in that chair for five hours waiting to do this. Agh, damn it! Son-of-a! What? – Hello, Hollyhock. – What are you trying to do? I’m trying to keep you out of trouble with a showman’s flair for the dramatic. I texted you I was gonna be home late. You don’t tell me when you’re home late. This is my house. You need to ask permission. – What? You’re not my dads. – I’m just looking out for you. You spent four days with this kid, I’m worried There’s nothing to worry about! We like each other. Yeah, now. But come on, Hollyhock. He’s a teenage boy whose job is to be around hot women in skimpy outfits all day. You think he’s gonna want What? No, I just mean that What, you think I’m not attractive enough for him? Well, you’re the one who said you were a blob. – Do you think I’m a blob? – No. What kind of person calls his own daughter a blob? – You said “blob.” – I said I “felt” like a blob. Do you think I’m a blob? I just I just think L.A. is a superficial town and you need to be careful. Well, Miles likes me just the way I am. And that’s the kind of person that I want to spend my time with. Hollyhock, wait. Wait. Wait! I get it! It’s my weight! Yeah I’m sorry about all that. Why didn’t you tell me they hate cats? They don’t hate cats. Now I get why you didn’t want to tell your family about the baby. Okay, I was a little nervous. But they’ll come around. Besides, what am I supposed to do? They’re my family. – And what are me and Philbert? – Oh Can’t believe she’s still pissed. You shouldn’t have called her a “blob.” I’m a blob too! We’re both blobs! How about just as a general rule, don’t ever call a woman a blob? Never! What if I meet a woman whose name is Barbara Lob? And I call her “B” for short. “B. Lob.” Maybe instead of figuring out the woman blob workaround, you should just tell Hollyhock you’re sorry. I still think Miles is up to something. Why is it so hard for you to believe someone could genuinely like your daughter? Because she’s like me! Okay. Do you think maybe this could be more about you than it is about her? Yes, obviously, I have a lot of work to do on myself. Everyone knows that. But the important thing right now is how I can fix things with Hollyhock. Try to stay on topic, Diane. Well, an open conversation about your concerns with No, that’s too Diane-y. She’d never buy it was coming from me. Then why do you want my advice? I got it. If I can somehow prove to her what a jerk Miles is, then she’ll have to like me more by default. That’s the BoJack way. BoJack, no! Oh oh Ooh, that’s that’s nice. Goldie, how would you like to advance to the final round? I would do anything, and I mean, anything. – So I did it. I had sex with the PA. – You had sex with him? That’s what you wanted, right? I just said “seduce” the PA. Doesn’t that mean have sex with him? No, I just wanted you to, like, get him all hot and bothered. – Eh? – And ready to sleep with you. Then once you get him on audiotape – saying that he would sleep with you – What? come up with some excuse to get out of there with virtue intact. That’s a lot of specifics you just assumed I would know. Okay, well, the important thing is, we got him now. Tell Miles what you told me. – I had sex with the PA. – What PA? I think his name was “Eggberg”? – What? Not him? – That’s the intern. – You said “PA.” – Did you think I was a PA? Nice! Why’d you want her to sleep with me? Not sleep with. You told a contestant you would advance her to the final round if she slept with a PA? I said “seduce.” There is a distinction. We make a show about empowering women and lifting them up, and you cheapen it with this coarse vulgarity. I cannot lie. You disgust me. This was all a big misunderstanding. Cover up your bottom and go, BoJack. You’re not fit to judge anyone’s character, or their booties. So it is about judging booties. – Hey, BoJack. – Miles. Don’t want me dating your daughter, you could have told me. I’m sorry. Maybe we could’ve worked out some sort of deal. What do you mean? All right, so I got this screenplay, and I think it’s a really fresh area. It’s about a production intern who wants to be a writer. Oh, wow. I think it could go somewhere if it got in front of the right person. So if you have like an agent or a manager you could give it to, that would be awesome, and I would never talk to Hollyhock again. I promise. So you were right. He was a dirtbag. Yeah. I was kinda hoping I was wrong for once. If it makes you feel any better, you were wrong about all the other parts of this. Diane, you are so bad at making people feel better. Are you gonna tell Hollyhock? She’s a smart girl. She’ll figure it out eventually. But for now, if she believes someone can love her for who she really is, then why would I take that away from her? BoJack, you gotta get one of these massages. – Oh-hh! – Okay. – Goodbye, darling. – It was good seeing you. – It was so much fun seeing you both. – Thank you for hosting us. It was so nice to get away for the week and learn all about your charming little traditions that didn’t freak me out at all. Bye-bye! Did our little city mouse have a nice time in the country? Everything was wonderful. And your little companion was darling For a week. But I do hope the next one you bring home knows how to appreciate a good Feast of Saint Squeaky. Well, for your information, there’s not gonna be a “next one,” because I love Princess Carolyn and we’re having a baby and I couldn’t be happier! Oh, my God. Oh, Mr. Peanutbutter, I am so relaxed. I didn’t realize how much tension I’d built up in my Oh, my God! Um Mr. Peanutbutter, why is our hotel room filled with dentist clowns? Don’t be ridiculous, Diane. They’re not all dentist clowns. Half of them are clown dentists. Just try to ignore them and go about your business. – Okay. – So, this is the incisor. Doc, if this is what’s incisor, I’d hate to see what’s outsides ’er. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Please try to focus, Dr. Boing-Boing. Ugh! With former rival Mr. Peanutbutter’s support, just yesterday, Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz seemed to be unbeatable, but as a new candidate enters the race, is Woodchuck also “unbeata-Biel”? “UnbeataBiel”? Randy, you wily son of a I’ve missed you, buddy! Bring it in! “UnbeataBiel”? I’m tired of these politicians who are all talk. California needs a leader who excels in both comedy and drama and who is beautiful in an approachable girl-next-door way, and who will get all the criminals off the street while simultaneously finding a use for our wetlands. That’s why I’m running for governor. A candidate you can Jessica-lieve in. What the?! Let’s do it together! I’m with me! Oh-hh! Katrina. – Gadzooks! – Not now, Professor Flim-Flam! Of course, Katrina would latch onto Jessica as the beautiful face of her dangerous agenda. Well, there’s no way they could beat Woodchuck, right? No? Because I almost beat him and I don’t even know what a governor does. That’s true. Mr. Peanutbutter, you’ve got to help. Woodchuck has no idea what he’s up against. You’re right! But are we sure this is the right thing for us? If I jump right back into politics, that’s not gonna give me a lot of time to focus on our burgeoning clown dentistry business. Then it is definitely the right thing for us. This is an abomination. It’s only till the doctors find better ones. They’re not even hands! Well, they’re better than feet, aren’t they? What the?! I’m Dr. Boing-Boing! And I am Dr. Jennifer Picarello, D.D.S. We come with a message from Mr. Peanutbutter. You can tell Mr. Peanutbutter I don’t – Ha! Woodchuck! – What do you want? You need me, Woodchuck! You’ve got brain smarts, but your sober-minded policy speeches are no match for the glitz and pizzazz of a Hollywoo starlet. Even a relatively low-wattage one like Jessica Biel. He’s right. California loves making movie stars governors. I was married to both Jessica and Katrina. I know them inside and out. And I’m not speaking in a sexual way, although it is also true in a sexual way. You gotta let me join the campaign! – All right. – Great! There’s no time to lose. Quick! Get in Dr. Boing-Boing’s dream-powered smile-mobile! It’s been four seconds and I already deeply regret this. – Hey. – Hey, yourself. – I’m sorry I was an asshole. – Mm-hmm. – What are you doing? – Seeing how fast I can change channels. Also, I found all the loose change in the house and I put it in alphabetical order by year. Do you really think a guy like Miles couldn’t ever really like a girl like me? No. I was just jealous because you were spending a lot of time with him. He hasn’t texted me all day today. I’ve been trying to distract myself. Forget him. You’re gonna meet lots of guys who will fall madly in love with you. I might have scared him off. I don’t know. Do you ever get that feeling that like, to know you more is to love you less? Hollyhock, you are an amazing woman and you should never settle for someone who only loves the idea of you. You are funny, and you’re kind, and you’re clever. Am I also pretty? I come on. What do you want me to say? Obviously, I think you’re beautiful. Well, you don’t have to go overboard. Hey, I got an idea. Why don’t we go get some Cold Stone? That’ll take your mind off Miles. Plus, I’ll let you drive the Tesla! Thanks, but I’m not really in the mood for ice cream. Well, then, forget that. Let’s get a pizza. – I’m actually not hungry. – Oh. Boxer vs. Raptor, Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 4 9 Ruthie 1 Class, settle down. Settle down. It’s Ruthie’s turn to present her ancestor. – Go ahead, Ruthie. – Okay, Teach-Bot. – Mrs. Teach-Bot. – Ugh. My great-great-great grandmother was called Princess Carolyn. She was an agent and a manager in Hollywoo. What’s the difference between an agent and a manager? Both look to find projects for their clients but only managers can produce. – [CLASS MURMURING.] – What? My mom told me that I come from a long line of strong female cats. Princess Carolyn was the runt of 12 and it made her one of the toughest. Mom said, “She could take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.” This expression refers to clocks, an old fashioned way of timekeeping before we all universally accepted the bean system. [CLASS.] “The bean system is the way.” For Ancestry Day, I’m gonna tell you a particular story about one particular day on which Princess Carolyn faced and overcame particular adversity all the way back in the year 2017. – [RUTHIE.] The day began like any other. – [GROANS.] [RUTHIE.] Princess Carolyn lived with her boyfriend, Ralph. – She was pregnant and very happy. – [SIGHS.] Sorry I can’t go with you to the doctor. – Don’t worry about it. I feel great! – Today is crucial. Stilton Cards has to create its own holiday to really be playing with the big boys. Hallmark, American Greeting, those chunky cards that play music when you open them. I just know you’re gonna be the next Joey K. Easter, the guy who invented Arbor Day. How about “National Friend of a Friend Day?” – Is that anything? – You’ll think of something. [SLURPS.] Mm! Give me just a sip of the coffee. I can have a sip. – One sip. – Today is going to be great. Oh! [YELPS.] – Hey. – [MOANS.] Oh-hh! [RUTHIE.] She was wrong. Today was gonna suck. [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.] [RUTHIE.] Princess Carolyn started her day with a call to BoJack Horseman, her former client-slash-lover. – Ruthie! Inappropriate! – Sorry. [BOJACK.] Go for BoJack! You like that? I’m trying out some new phone stuff. Or is “Bo for GoJack” better? Nah, maybe too clever. I don’t want people to think I’m trying. Sorry, who is this? Princess Carolyn, moron. Oh, hey, P.C. – So what do you think? – About what? “Go for BoJack!” Or maybe Ugh, stop! You need to get a new agent. – I’m sick of fielding your offers. – Offers? Well, you tell them that I am not doing another reality show. So degrading. All they had at craft services was Kirkland snacks, P.C. Kirkland snacks. Well, first of all, I don’t work for you, so I’m not gonna tell anyone anything. But, second, these are actually good offers. – Really? Like what? – I’m not telling you because Got it. Busy, busy. I’m busy too, so I’ll call you back later. – Bye. – Don’t call. I don’t work for you! How’s this for a headline for the blog? You write about this, quote, “BoJack Finally Solves Mystery”of Hollyhock’s Mother“, comma,”Looks Handsome“, colon”: Is Cool.” End quote. I still don’t understand your plan, or how that’s a headline. The plan couldn’t be simpler. Go to the county courthouse, ask to see all the birth certificates on file, find Hollyhock’s, see what it says in the “mother” spot. They’re not just gonna give you the birth certificates. Well, I gotta try something. I have this girl at my house who came to me for help, I want to do right by her. I just don’t know if you’ve thought through Diane, I am a famous. They will give me the birth certificate. Everyone gives me everything I want all the time. It is an existential curse, but a huge day-to-day convenience. – So why do you need me? – I don’t know. – Just wanted some company. – You told me to use a vacation day because this was, quote, “a feminism-related emergency.” – I got your number! – Why didn’t you just bring Hollyhock? I was gonna, but she got really into counting her teeth this morning, didn’t want to leave the house. You know how teens are. Ruthie, this was supposed to be about your ancestor. Who are all these other – “chara-ca-ters”? – They fill out the world. Well, can you try to keep things focused, please? Okay, okay, okay. [RUTHIE.] Princess Carolyn had been called to Gekko-Rabitowitz The agency of her nemesis, and nemesis-slash-former lover. – Ruthie! – Sorry, Teach-Bot. She had a lot of former lovers. She was a fluid sexual being, not a machine. [RUTHIE.] But today was all about business. She was there because she was trying to get her client Courtney Portnoy cast in Corpse “Me If You Can-Can”, the 1940’s Cannes, France-set story of a can-can dancer who contracts cancer but continues to can-can as a canny cadaver who plays the accordion with Kevin Corrigan, Kevin Kline, Chris Klein, Chris Pine and Chris Kattan. – Got it. – [GASPS.] Gekko. Princess Carolyn, hi! Love the dress. Is it new, or something I’ve seen you wear literally hundreds of times? [RUTHIE.] Normally, Princess Carolyn would’ve been rattled, but that day, she realized Vanessa Gekko no longer had any power over her. In truth, the woman had challenged and inspired Princess Carolyn, not only to be a better agent, but to be brave enough to try and have it all. Princess Carolyn wanted to tell her thank you, but instead she said – You look tired, “Veronica.” – Oh, I Amazing burn, Princess Carolyn. Hey, Princess. We have a little snag. Did Chris Kattan drop out? Right before his comeback? Right when the world is finally ready to settle for Kattan? – No, it’s – You’re fired. I’m fired? I tried to talk her out of it, but between the gun movie misfiring and her nuptials turning into “nope-tials,” and her blaming you for both of those things Who knew Portnoy had so many complaints? Oh, just give me one more chance. I promise I can get you the lead in that can-can cadaver movie. [LAUGHS.] What? Oh, P.C., C.P. just made that whole thing up to get you here. You thought that was real? The 1940’s corpse who learns accordion? It sounds so ludicrous. You did play the short-sighted seamstress in “The Storm on Northern Fortress.” Well, yeah, but that was just because I wanted to work with Ashton. We’ll talk later, right? I’m so sorry. Bye. Did you have a good meeting? [MOCKINGLY.] Did you get fired? [GROANS.] Aw. Sorry you got fired. Here’s a latte. Oh, uh – It’s decaf, ma’am. – Thanks, Judah. You know, one year ago, a setback like this would have really spun me out. But I don’t need Courtney. Every time we fall, we get back up stronger and better than ever. – Can I get a hallelujah? – Is that a sort of pressed juice? I’ll have one hallelujah on your desk by 12:45. Great. What’s next? I noticed your necklace was broken, so I pushed back your appointment, and found a reputable jeweler nearby. Don’t know what I’d do without you, my hairy number two! Oh, God, I’m sorry. That came out horribly. Not to speak above my station, but perhaps it would behoove us to entice BoJack Horseman back into our stable. – Ugh! – I’m sorry, ma’am. “Stable” and “behoove” were poor word choices. I was not trying to engage in punnery during business hours, but we’ve received 15 more inquiries about BoJack just this morning, and I don’t think it’s wise to look a gift opportunity in the mouth. BoJack is off the table. We’re a small management company. We just need to focus on the clients we have. [JUDAH.] You know best. – Who’s that dog? – Mr. Peanutbutter – [BEEPS.] – Mo for Gister Peanutbutter! Hey, handsome. Heard you dropped out of the governor’s race. Now let’s get you back to work on what really matters show business! – I’m going to stop you right there. – I was done. Can’t wait to get back in front of the camera, but right now, I have to help my former political rival defeat my two ex-wives. One of whom is in the pocket of powerful lobbyists and the other of whom murdered popular actor and soundtrack artisan, Zach Braff, and ate his burnt flesh! Politics as usual, right? Well, when you’re ready to work again Gotta go. They need all hands on deck, because Woodchuck lost his hands underground and they replaced them with creepy lobster claws. Typical politics! Hey. So I need this clasp replaced, 24-karat gold. This is a priceless family heirloom. Princess Carolyn had gotten her necklace from her mother, who got it from her mother, who brought it from the old country. When our ancestors first emigrated to America, they were very poor. Back in the Motherland, they had been doctors and engineers, but here, they struggled to find work. Every night, they would sing the song of the old country, hoping to reclaim the glory of those days. [ALL.] Meow-meow! Meow-meow! Meow-meow Meow-meow, meow-meow! [RUTHIE.] They slowly sold all their belongings as they attempted to hang on to a middle-class way of life. [ALL.] Meow-meow – Meow-meow! – [LIGHT BULB FIZZLES.] [RUTHIE.] But she never sold that necklace, because that was the one gift she could give her daughter. A treasure from the past and a symbol of the tenacity and stick-to-itiveness that has for generations led my family to always land on their feet. – You can come back in about two hours. – Thank you. – [CLATTERS.] – Sorry, sorry! Wait. Sorry, sorry. – [CLATTERS.] – Okay, okay, okay. I’m just looking for something really nice. This is for a sexy catfish I met on the Internet. – Charley? – Princess Carolyn! You work at a jewelry store now? No, I own my own management company. Oh, yeah. Good for you. I’m so proud of you. Your approval means nothing to me. So I guess it’s good you said “no” to my offer last year. What offer? I mean, exactly what offer are you talking about? I get so many. Last year, I reached out to your guy I wanna say, “Ju-do” – Judah. – This guy’s name was Judo. I offered to buy VIM and merge it with Vigor. We would have called the new company, VIMgor. Oh, right. That offer. I couldn’t believe when he said you weren’t interested. Well, yeah. Because I wasn’t, and he does what I say. So I guess it all worked out for everyone. You got to start over as a manager, and instead of buying VIM, I bought the Utah Jazz. They’re terrible agents, but they’re getting better. – Yeah. – Anyway, nice bumping into – Oh, sorry. – Careful, please. Ooh. – [CHARLEY.] Oopsie. Oh, boy. – No, no. – [CRASHES.] – Is that valuable? It is. My great, great, great grandmother was dismayed that her trusted colleague had kept this from her. Her mind raced, “Was Judah capable of deception?” She hoped what Charley told her wasn’t true, but her instincts told her the frog wasn’t smart enough to lie. First quarter, second quarter. Wow, that’s a lot of quarters. Oh, excuse me. Hello. Judah, you’ll never guess who I just ran into. No, I won’t. Very astute, ma’am. – It was Charley Witherspoon! – Mm-hmm. – Char ley – Hmm? Hmm! – Wither spoon! – Hmm. – Okay. – How does that make you feel? That very short story makes me feel nothing. I don’t think it’s your fault as a storyteller. I often have trouble engaging with narratives. [RUTHIE.] His lack of response made her hope it wasn’t true. Could it all have been a misunderstanding involving an enigmatic stranger named “Judo”? So, what’s next, then? Ooh, I want to get the life rights to that woman I saw on Instagram who had a pretty coffee. I bet we could attach Jessica Alba and Jonathan Taylor-Thomas by lunch. Okay, but I still don’t understand what a manager is. Do they just say the names of movies and actors? How does that generate revenue? No one knows, Torf. It’s not important! Be quiet, Torf. Take your Hush Pill. Yes, Miss Teach [GULPS.] Uh-hh – Continue your presentation, Ruthie. – Thank you. – And finally, Rob Lowe. – Great idea, Princess Carolyn. But is it possible you’ve forgotten your doctor’s appointment? – Oh, fish! – It’s my fault. I rescheduled it in an attempt to make your life easier. Thank you, Judah! I’ll call you if I think of any more actor names. [SIGHS.] Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba – God, this is taking forever. – We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes. I know. Let’s just go home. No, Diane. How could you even suggest that? This is not about us. This is for my daughter. – Ugh. – I know what I have to do. Excuse me, excuse me. Pardon me. Important celebrity doing the right thing. Whoa, a famous guy! And he’s doing the right thing? This is like when George Clooney married that less famous lady! – Wait. Don’t you mean Jurj Clooners? – Who cares? Hello, friend. – Yes, it’s me, BoJack Hor – Number? I’m sorry, I don’t give out my personal phone number. No, your number. You need a number or I can’t help you, BoJack Hor. Horseman. It’s Horseman. I don’t look familiar to you at all? – Eh. – Come on, BoJack. Let’s get a number. Wait a minute. You’re Diane Nguyen! I recognize you from your Girl Croosh avatar. I loved “Twenty Reasons to Try the Diva Cup.” Oh, wow, thanks! You didn’t think 20 was too many reasons? No way. Number 14 – blew my mind! – Didn’t I say it would? We don’t have time. Where do we get a number? – That line. – What? And you’ll need these [GRUNTS.] forms. Ow, paper cut! Who still uses paper? Can’t I just swipe an app or something? – Bye, Diane! Keep up the great work! – [GIGGLES.] Oh, get over yourself. – [SIGHS.] – [DOOR OPENS.] – So? What’s the prognosis? – Hmm I’m trying to think of the best way to put this. As Charles Lindbergh would say, “Sometimes you fly an airplane, and sometimes you lose a baby.” In this case, you didn’t fly the airplane. Wait, what? Your pregnancy is no longer viable. Well, how do we make it viable again? Mm-mm How did this happen? Goodness, I don’t know. I wouldn’t beat yourself up. Miscarriages happen for so many reasons. There’s nothing medically wrong with you. Maybe you just wanted the baby too much. Maybe you didn’t deserve it because you were unkind once. Maybe you ran afoul of a trickster God or wood nymph who is now exacting revenge. Oof! This is A lot. Not for me. This is my job, so – Pretty regular day. – What do I do next? Well, there’s a procedure. We can do it here later this week. You want Darlene to call someone to drive you home? No, I’m okay. I don’t need anyone. You’re a real tough broad. Except for, you know, the uterus area. Pretty weak. [GASPS.] – Hey, is my necklace ready? – Oh, I was going to call you. When I was working on your necklace, I realized something. – Oh? – It’s not actually gold, it’s just gold plated. See? No, it’s very expensive. It’s pretty, but basically worthless. And I’m only saying it’s pretty to make you feel better. But, it’s from the old country. It’s been in my family for generations. No, this is costume jewelry from J.C. Penney. Circa 1963. Somebody just told you a story. – I’m sorry. – Wha huh? So, do you still want a 24-karat gold clasp on this garbage necklace, or? [SNIFFLES.] Oh-hh! [GASPS, SOBS.] – [RINGTONE PLAYS.] – Oh! Ralph, hey! Hi, honey. Just checking on how the doctor’s appointment went and also to wish you a happy “Acknowledge Your Gardener Day.” It’s a work in progress. Don’t judge. The doctor’s appointment got pushed back. I’m actually just walking in now. Oh, hello. Yes, it’s me, Princess Carolyn, here for my appointment. I like your perfume. There is a painting of a lake on the wall. You sure it’s okay I’m not there with you? Ralph, it’s fine. I’m a big girl. Everything is so easy with you, Princess Carolyn. I mean, that’s why I love you. Yeah, easy. [CHUCKLES.] That’s what the boys in high school liked about me, too. [CHUCKLES.] Okay, I’ll see you tonight. – I love you. – I love you, too. [BEEPS.] [SIGHS.] [SLURPS, MOANS.] Oh, I didn’t realize you were still here. Do you need anything else before I go? No. Thank you. Should you be drinking that? You don’t always know what’s best for me, Judah. Is everything okay, Princess Carolyn? Charley Witherspoon made you an offer to buy Vim, and you went over my head and turned him down without telling me. – Oh. – So it’s true. – You lied to me. – Yes. Because you didn’t want to work at a big agency. – You don’t fit in with other people. – I You’re weird, so you’d rather stay here where you have all the power. No, Princess Carolyn So you lied to me, and you made me look like an idiot! I was trying to protect you. If you heard, you’d feel like you had to say yes. I don’t need you to protect me. If you had time, you could decide what to do next on your own terms, which you did. Well, that’s not your decision to make. Princess Carolyn, I understand you’re upset. – And perhaps your emotions – No. If I can’t trust you, then I can’t work with you. You’re fired. [SIGHS.] Thank you for my time here, Princess Carolyn. It’s been very pleasurable. Until now. This part is Sad. Don’t forget, you have reservations at 8:00. – Thank you, Judah. – Good night. Ruthie, this story has gotten really dark. It has a happy ending. I promise. Well, can we get there soon? This assignment was supposed to be six beans long. You’ve already gone on for eight beans. Okay. I’m almost finished. But first, let’s check in with BoJack and Diane again. What have they been up to? [BEEPING.] Error. Error. I’m not leaving without the certificate! I danced your dance, lady. I filled out that form. But I will not wait in this line anymore. Not one person in here offered me a Fiji water, and I am parched from all the yelling I’ve been doing! BoJack, let’s go home. No, I would like to register a formal complaint. – How do I do that? – Complaints are on the eighth floor. But you need to fill out an application for a complaint registration, which you can get by waiting in line 12-B on the third floor. You have won this round. So Princess Carolyn had to meet Ralph. But she didn’t know how to tell him what had happened or how he’d take the news. Okay, so, what do you think about “National Paperweight Day”? “Thanks for keeping my papers in place.”I love you as big as outer space.” Okay, so you’d give that card to a paperweight? Ah, Principessa! And Signor Stilton. Welcome-a back. Let’s have a drink then, yes? I’ll have a glass of ChÃ¢teauneuf-Du-Pape, the red wine inspired by Scandal. That Kerry Washington has really brought red wine into popularity. It’s a-funny, because I thought that the terroir of the Italian countryside did it. But, a-no, it’s-a Miss – Kerry Washington. – Ugh. Everybody love-a Miss-a Kerry. And my gal pal here would love some mint tea. Right? – You know it. – Bene, bene. How was the doctor? He tell you the species? I can’t stop thinking about squeezing little Philbert’s baby feet. – Aw-ww – [RUTHIE.] She wanted to tell him. But she also wanted to let him stay in his beautiful hopeful reality, a reality she herself had lived in just hours before, and to which she now longed desperately to return. Well, the doctor didn’t have much info. You know how doctors are. But he did say there’s nothing wrong with me, so – Ah, Miss-a Carrie Underwood. – Ooh! – Miss-a Carey Mulligan. – Agh! Miss-a Carey, first name Mariah, right this-a way! – Ugh! – Look at all of these Miss-a-Carries! – [COUGHING.] – Are you okay? – I have to go. – Oh. Well, you want me to drive you? No, it’s fine. I’ll just meet you at home. Hmm. [RUTHIE.] But when Princess Carolyn got to the home that she and Ralph shared, she found she didn’t have the strength to go inside. She wanted to go some place familiar, some place that was just hers. [SIGHS.] [YELPS.] Oh! [WHIRRING.] Shh! Oh, hey, Princess Carolyn. What is going on here? Only the future. This is horrifying and it doesn’t look legal, whatever it is, you’d better cut me in for ten percent. I could cut you off a lot more than that. [CLOWN DENTISTS LAUGHING.] Whose kid is that? Look, if you didn’t want me to turn your apartment into a base of operations for my new clown-dentist venture, you should have specified that when I moved in. Mommy? Where’s my mom? Oh, no! He’s waking up. Hit him with the giggle gas! – [SPRAY HISSES.] – Ooh! [GIGGLES.] [YAWNS.] – [SIGHS.] Oh! – All right. You’re clearly doing important work here. I’m just gonna have a quick nightcap and go to bed. – – What up? Let’s rock this party – H2 limo and a case of Bacardi – [SPLASHING.] Look at me, I’m a dumb cat queen My baby was the size of a kidney bean Hey, what happened to your necklace? Oh, fish! Fish, fish, fish, fish. – It must have fallen off! – [KNOCKING.] [RALPH.] Princess Carolyn? Are you in there? – [ALL GASP.] – Yeah, just a second! – Todd, get these clowns outta here! – Go, go, go, go. Scatter, clowns! Into the night! Go! Go! [PRINCESS CAROLYN.] Go, scamper! Everybody, out! [CLOWNS WHOOPING.] Ugh! [SIGHS.] Okay. – Oh, hello, handsome. – Oh, thank God! You didn’t come home, didn’t answer your phone. I was worried. Aw, you was worried? Judah told me you might be here. – Did you fire him? – That hipster Chewbacca, always getting in my personal biz-natch. I didn’t know you still had this place. Why do you still have this place? Okay, what? Third degree much? – Have you been drinking? – It’s fine, okay? – I get to drink because baby went gone! – What? “Gone, baby, gone.” Like that Ben Affleck movie. That could be a sequel. “Gone, Baby, Never Was.” Write that down. – Oh, my God, Princess Carolyn. – It’s okay! You know me. I always land on my feet. Take a lickin’, keep tickin’. Like a lollipop with Tourette’s. Write that down. So you were lying earlier at dinner? Is that what you’re upset about? That I lied? About losing the baby? About keeping my apartment? I lied? That’s the big sad thing that happened? Trying to process what you threw at me. It’s gonna be fine. I’ll be pregnant again in no time. I’m so sorry. Let me take you home. – When you’re ready to try again – I’m ready! – I said I was ready. – Okay. So we’ll go back to the doctor, maybe talk about other options. I don’t need other options. My mother had 12 kids. My body was made for this. We just gotta keep tick-tick-tickin’. Princess Carolyn, I know you wanna do this on your own, but you’ve had two miscarriages now, and – Five! – What? I’ve had five miscarriages. One last year, now one, and three others before. – But it’s whatever. It’s okay. – Why didn’t you tell me? Are you kidding? I don’t want you looking at me like that. Like that! I know I can do this. You can’t keep stuff like this from me. It’s not okay. – It’s not about you. – It is. This is about us. You’re not allowed to be mad at me. – This is my bad day. – It’s our bad day. It’s so easy for you – To love me when everything’s good. – Princess Carolyn, I – Let me take you home. – No. You need to live in this. You need to get used to this, because if you’re serious about having a baby with me, this could happen again. Are you prepared for that? This could happen five more times. But I’m ready for that. Because I want this. Do you want it that bad? [SIGHS.] I just think we should maybe talk about other options. Okay. Here’s another option. – Get out of my apartment! – I’m sorry. Get out! Save it for your next girlfriend. The one you can take home to your parents. The one who’s easy. Goodbye, Princess Carolyn. [SIGHS.] [DOOR OPENS.] – [CORK SQUEAKS.] – [RINGTONE PLAYS.] – [BEEPS.] – What is it? I’m calling about the offers. I don’t want to do ’em. What’s the point of being famous if you wait in line? If you could politely decline on my behalf I do not work for you, BoJack! I’m sorry. I started this all wrong. – How was your day? – [MOANS.] – Well – Because mine was awful. I mean, truly, one for the books. Because I’m a good guy trying to do the right thing. First, I go for my breakfast Pinkberry, which I had earned because I had good intentions for today, they’re out of my favorite toppings! So I go across the street to Menchie’s, like some kind of hobo. [CHUCKLES.] Mm-hmm. At Menchie’s, the stupid teen that worked there raised her eyebrows at me. “You kidding me? You’re trying to judge me? You have very uneven eyebrows and you work at a Menchie’s.” And don’t even get me started on the rancid internment camp that is the L.A. County Courthouse. Hey, you wanna know what I do when I have a really bad, awful, terrible day? – What? – I imagine my great great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me. She’s poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything’s going to work out. Because how else could she tell people? But it’s Fake. Yeah, well It makes me feel better. Oh, heart, oh, heart Stop making a fool of me I’m everything that a flower is I plan to make about 30 kids Gotta sink for his and hers And hers for his One mill where my cotton is I’m your baby, I’m basically The B-girl that’s been baking Your heart in my stove Hungry for your love Oh, heart, oh, heart Stop making a fool of me Fool, fool, fool Fool, fool, fool Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 4 10 Lovin that cali lifestyle!! 1 Give it a moment. Nothing gets by me, Tina. Uno what I’m thinking? I don’t think you have any blues. I think you put the wild card down, and chose blue, because you want us to think you have blues. – Just go already! – Uh, excuse me. I am employing a little something called “strategy.” I am taking my time because I enjoy being the center of attention. Until I put a card down, you have to listen. It’s been your turn for ten minutes. Well, since you’re being so impatient, I’m gonna put my thing down, flip it and reverse it back to Tina. Uno. So you did have blues. TouchÃ©. Henrietta, don’t use a foreign language in front of the child. She’ll get ideas. – It’s your turn, Beatrice. – Ah, ah, ah, ah! – You okay, Hollyhock? – Yeah, I’m I’m awesome. I feel really good. I just I need a glass of water. Oh! Beatrice, trying to slip a nine on a six. You think I’ve never seen an old niner-sixer before? – Ah! Ow! – Whoa, are are you okay? I’m fine! I just Ow! Did you cut yourself? It’s okay. I know what to do. You need some alcohol, ice, a squeeze of lemon. – You’ll forget all about your cut. – I’ll be right back. One. Oh! Oh! Californians are feeling the pinch, and you butter believe it’s “beclaws” of Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz. I see, you’re referring to my hideous transplant lobster claws in an effort to distract Do you want a governor who can be rendered defenseless with two rubber bands? Woodchuck is down in the polls. Californians just aren’t connecting with his message. I have a very important policy announcement. I’ve got new hands, baby! Now Woodchuck is way up in the polls! I guess his message was connecting with voters after all. Hey! How you doin’? Looking good. Mmm Oh! What’s the big deal? I have hands too. There’s no way those new hands are as perfect as everyone says. Nobody’s hands are all the way clean. Computer, zoom in on that thumb. And enhance. Zoom in again. Enhance again. Zoom in three more times. Enhance. Enhance. Now zoom out once. De-enhance. Okay. – What are you doing? – Quiet, “Face.” “Brain” is working on something. Computer, take a scan on that thumbprint and cross-reference, please. Ha! Just what I expected. What? Before Woodchuck, the hands belonged to one Ernest Contralto, a criminal. The man was a pedophile murderer. Well, if you gotta murder somebody No, Tom. Not a pedophile-dash-murderer. A pedophile-slash-murderer! Oh, no! The way you said “slash” was very scary! At first I didn’t like him, on account, uh He didn’t have hands? But then he got new hands, so I liked him again? But then I found out those hands are bad! Can’t trust politicians. She’s killing us on this hands thing. Much like Ernest Contralto killed those innocent children after he pedophiled them, – with those very hands. – Not helping! Your hands are being really aggressive right now. Watch out! They’re attacking your face! Hey, girl, whatcha working on? Getting some clicks? Get them clicks, girl. Get. Them. Clicks. I’m working on another big piece about how Jessica Biel is owned by private prison lobbyists, who want Oh, my Gaia, Diane, nobody cares. I care and I don’t even care. So imagine how little someone who doesn’t care cares. – Well – What if you had lunch with her? – Why would – You could write about what she smells like, how she makes her face pretty. These are things people will want to know about our first female governor. Ugh! I’ll have the avocado toast. But instead of the avocado part, I want fresh sea air, and instead of the toast, I’ll have a single grain of rice. And for you? Grilled cheese? Thank you for meeting me here, Diane. I just wanted to tell you, you can keep writing whatever you want about me. Obviously, it has no effect on the polls, because the only thing voters care about is stupid bullshit, so knock yourself out. Well, today I just want to know what you smell like. It’s actually my new fragrance: “Bielist,” by Jessica Biel. – Your perfume’s called “B”-list? – “Bielist.” “B”-list. Like a “B”-list celebrity. No, “Bielist” – like Jessica Biel. – I think we’re saying the same thing. Do you want some? I got a whole trunk of this stuff. – No, thanks. – You sure? Mr. Peanutbutter always loved the way I smelled. Well, I wouldn’t flatter yourself too much. He’s very enthusiastic about smelling in general. He’s enthusiastic about everything. Oh, my God. Does he still have that dumb magic eye poster? What? No. When we were married, he was obsessed with it. And he would make me stare at it for hours. Yeah, I bet. But then, all of a sudden, I saw it. And it was incredible. And I was so happy that I had waited long enough to experience this beautiful thing, and I felt so Why is this disgusting avocado on my plate? – Oh, I – I feel personally attacked right now. Oh, so sorry. Anyway, as I was saying about the poster, it’s funny how something so stupid could have this tremendous power. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think I do. A blog post about Jessica Biel is gaining attention for the seemingly minor detail that the candidate would not eat an avocado, calling the savory fruit, quote, “disgusting.” Who doesn’t like avocados? I don’t know if Jessica Biel has the right judgment to lead California. And I was totally convinced before, – so it’s really – Whoa! the avocado thing that I have a problem with. Why would you say that you hate avocados? I just have to live my truth, Katrina. Her polls, like an avocado exposed to air, have quickly turned from a verdant green to a mushy brown. And with only seven days until the election, her campaign might be in the pits. Wow. Who’da thunk that such a small trivial detail could be the thing to take Biel down? Yeah, who’da thunk it? Who knew? I knew. I put the avocado thing in the story on purpose, I knew people wouldn’t like it. So just for the record, I “thunk” it. Even though it doesn’t matter. I don’t need credit. But it does, if I didn’t do that, it wouldn’t have happened. So, it’s because of me. – Well, whoever is responsible – Me. I just told you. We shouldn’t get too excited just yet. The election is a week away, and a lot can happen in a week. This is far from over. It’s over. And the clear winner is Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz. – All right! – Huzzah! – We did it! – High five! Low five! Shadow puppet! Hand jive! Yes! – We did it, didn’t we? – We did! You and me, working together, both contributing the same amount. Well, I wrote the article that got Woodchuck elected governor. You’re the one that made him not governor in the first place. I set ’em up. You knock ’em down. Thank you for meeting me here. My name is Yolanda Buenaventura of the Better Business Bureau. It would be funnier if your name was Betty Buenaventura of the Better Business Bureau. Well, I’m sorry you don’t find my name sufficiently comical, but this is actually a very serious matter. – Oh. – We’ve received complaints from several concerned parents. It seems that many of your clown dentists aren’t actually licensed to practice medicine. Isn’t laughter the best medicine? No. It is the worst medicine. If you can even call it medicine, which, legally, you cannot. Well, what if I said my business was for entertainment purposes? That would require your employees to be entertaining. According to your reviews on Yelp, your clown dentists are, quote, “A cotton candy nightmare of Freudian”invention that shakes one to the core.” Ah, everyone’s a critic. On Yelp? Yes, that is the idea. It appears your business provides no service but to terrify children and the adults who accompany them. If this were October, you could market your venture as some sort of spooky Halloween experience, but since this is January, a month which, to my knowledge, contains no Halloweens, I have no choice but to Wait! Wait. What if my clown dentists put on a show? A delightful, whimsical, non-terrifying clown-stravaganza? You would have to agree we were a legitimate business then, right? – Go on. – Give us a week. We’ll put on a show. If you don’t laugh, I’ll dissolve the business and release all my clown dentists into the woods, where they’ll never bother anyone again. All right. You have one week to create a show that delights and astonishes me. But I should warn you, I am a very tough crowd. I once met Paul Rudd at a cocktail party and I did not find him charming. Ooh! Excuse me. – Get outta my way. – Like, hooked in a funny way. You call that funny? That’s not funny. It’s sad. Well, some would argue that sad and funny are two sides of the same coin. Uh, no! Abraham Lincoln and some weird flat house are two sides of the same coin. Take five, Picarello. I’ve got a week to whip these dentists into clowns. But they’re just not silly or wacky or prone to kooky hijinks of any kind! Should you be drinking that? Why not? I got no baby or boyfriend. Might as well get blotto, right? Um, shouldn’t you be at work? I’m recal-bibrating. Oh! Ohh Hey, maybe you should Judah, look at my phone! Judah! You have a meeting with Flip McVicker. Tell his gal I’m running ten minutes late. What gal? – So, you’re a writer? – Oh, actually that’s a typo. It should say “Waiter.” – But I’m an aspiring writer. – Uh-huh. Sorry, that was a joke. That’s the kind of witty repartee you can expect from Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the business card. Wait, ya know, – I have this idea for a TV show. – Oh? It’s a grizzled former detective who gets sucked back in This sounds fabulous. Why don’t you write a script, we’ll go from there? – I already wrote it. Boom. – Oh, you brought it with you. I don’t trust email. You know, the government. Yeah. Look, Flip, before I even read this, I should tell you that this town’s a total crapshoot. Odds of the right person finding your material and connecting with it are a million to One. I just know I have this great potential inside me. I know I can do it. Even if no one else understands or believes in me. I’m sure that sounds pretty stupid but It’s not stupid. I believe in you. I don’t know how else to describe it other than this feeling of supreme warmth came over me, like this is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. That’s amazing! Todd, the world is dark and scary and full of creepy clown dentists They’re working very hard to be less creepy. But when I hold this script in my hands, I have hope. I gotta get this made. What do I always say? “What’s the difference between an agent and a manager?” Uh, managers are always talking about the differences between agents and managers and agents don’t as much? No! Managers can produce! This script is a sign. I gotta get off my ass and produce this baby. Todd? Get me a meeting with Turtletaub. Set something up with his gal. Who is this gal? Okay. Clentists, assemble! Wipe those serious looks off your faces and listen up! We gotta help Princess Carolyn, but also we gotta prep for our big show next week. If only there was a way to do both at once. What a ludicrous notion! Doctor Picarello, we might make a clown out of you yet! Oh, joy! Special delivery. This next part is critical. Remain wacky. This is a highly frivolous situation! – What’s in the package? – It’s a hand delivery item. Hey! – Now, Doctor Boing Boing! – I am in position. All right, Princess Carolyn, sit tight. Whoa! before, so it’s really the avocado thing that I have a problem with. Target is acquired. Deliver the goods, Doctor Boing Boing! Ah! It’s sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-showtime! – Whoa! – Oh! – Princess Carolyn! – Lenny, thanks for making time. Didn’t realize I had. Are you drunk? You smell like somebody tried to put out a fire at the booze factory with more booze. Uh, new perfume, “Sealist,” by Seal. Now let’s get to brass stacks. So it’s a hot young writer. It’s TV. It’s me producing. – “TV?” – Just look at this script. I know it’s gonna knock your socks off. Eh Know that website, “What-time-is-it-right-now-dot-com,” you go to when you want to know what time it is? – Yeah. – They look to make a play in the gritty prestige streaming world, and it could make a big splash with a huge ad buy. Plus, you got the built-in audience who don’t know what time it is. That’s huge! That’s so many people! Yeah, yeah, this could be perfect as their first series, but we’d have to get in fast. They wanna premiere before Daylight Savings. Let’s set the pitch for next week. Philbert? Who’s Philbert? He’s this grizzled but very good-looking detective who gets sucked back in to something. No, I mean who is he? – You got a star attached? – Not yet, but Eh, we can’t go in without a big name. TV pitching is like the Israeli flag, it’s nothing without a big star. Sorry, Princess Carolyn. No! Fish! Oh, whoa Ooh, spinny. Uh-oh! She is out like sauerkraut. Don’t let Turtletaub get back to his office. This sounds like a job for the “Waltz of the Rubber Chicken”! Doctor Picarello, you gotta revive Princess Carolyn. Give her ten cc’s of honka-honka. Stat! Oh! Hey! Hey! Pardon me. Excuse me! – Oh! Allow me to lead, my lady. – Wow. – What the shell is this? – So beautiful. It says so much without saying anything at all. You gotta be kidding me. Okay, okay, how about Aaron Eckhart? He owes me a favor and he can disappear into any role. Yeah, he can disappear so good, the audience disappears with him. – Tony Shalhoub! – Tony Sha-who-ub? This is “What-time-is- it-right-now-dot-com,” not “What-time-is-it-fifteen-years-ago dot-Geocities-dot-com- slash-Monk-fanpage.” Please. I need this so bad. You don’t understand. This project is my Ba My Ba – It’s my baby. – Well, if you can’t attach a real star, – your baby’s dead. – No! Oh, thank you. There’s gotta be a name that does something for you. Uh, Jack Huston Hugh Hugh Jackman. – BoJack Horseman! – There’s someone – Corbin Bernsen. – No. – Ben Mendelsohn. – No, no, no. Hold on. BoJack. That’s an idea. Yeah, yeah, sure. A BoJack-type. I swore I’d never work with that asshole again, but you gotta admit he’s got heat. Star of Secretariat, disappears for a year, shows up again to do one episode – of a reality show about butts. – Right, but And then you get him playing a rich, complex anti-hero like Philbert, now there’s a show that screams, “What time is it right now?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I’m saying, there are a lotta guys P.C., can you get me BoJack or not? – Of course I can. – I’ll send over a contract, iron-clad. I don’t want to risk that jerkwad skipping town again. Make sure he signs it before the pitch. Uh, will do. And, uh, go easy on the sauce, huh, kid? Sloppy don’t suit you. Rubber chicken Rubber chicken Ah, I got that damn thing stuck in my head. Guys, that was amazing! But if we’re going to convince Yolanda we’re ready for the big top, we need to really hunker down over the next week and put together a show so undeniably hilarious and life-affirming, that she has no choice but to say Wow! What a great show! Okay, you can keep your business – Hooray! – Perfect! is what I would say if you’d put on a good show. Just so you understand the rubric when I declare my actual reaction, which is: “I did not enjoy that.” Oh, no! My hooray was premature! So I must recommend that you dissolve this venture immediately. All right, you heard the lady. Get into the car, everyone. I’m taking you to the woods, out by the old abandoned insane asylum, near the elementary school where you belong. Hey, so I’m taking the rest of the day off. What? Why? Just don’t feel like working right now, so I think if I force it, I’m just gonna do a bad job. – Thank you, Stuart. – But I did want to remind you about that bitch meeting you have – this afternoon at that clock website. – You mean the pitch meeting. Pretty sure it said “bitch” meeting on the calendar. Seemed a little harsh. I could go double-check, but the calendar’s all the way downstairs so – No, Stuart. Thank you. – You’re welcome. – What? – Hey, BoJack, great news! – Bad time. Can’t talk. – Wait, just listen for a Okay. Here we go, baby. Oh, man! You are not finding what you need! The deck is a harsh mistress, Tina. Hollyhock, you gotta get in here! Tina is drawing so many cards. It’s amazing. Hollyhock! Hollyhock? Hollyhock? That’s her name? Yes, for the third time, her name is “Hollyhock.” And her last name? Manheim-Mannheim, uh, Steamroller Is there more? I think there’s a Lopez in the mix somewhere? A Chung maybe? I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you. Okay, just any information you can give me on the 17-year-old horse girl who came here by ambulance 15 minutes ago would be of interest to my friend, Mr. Franklin’s friend, Mr. Hamilton. If you can’t prove you’re her parent or legal guardian, I can’t release any information to you. – Guerrero! – What? Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero Robinson Zilberschlag-Hsung- Fonzarelli-McQuack. That’s her name. And she’s about five-eight. And she’s 17, her birthday is in September. And She looks like me. And she loves apples but hates apple sauce. And she’s funny. But she isn’t mean. Which is pretty remarkable, ’cause a lot of 17-year-olds think you have to be mean to be funny, but Hollyhock is very sweet, even if she can be sarcastic. But she has this smile with Does that help? No, man. Are you her legal guardian? I’m not leaving here until I get to see her. Have a seat. Well, I don’t like pedophile murderer hands, but I also don’t like people talking trash about avocados. This is a real head-scratcher for me. I mean, what’s next? The grief for every meal – She’ll be fine. – Huh? We have to think what’s best for Hollyhock. – Hollyhock is going to be okay. – Excuse me. Did you say Hollyhock? Are you Jose Guerrero. Hello, yes! Yeah. Thank God you’re here. – I’m BoJack Horseman. – Yeah, we know. I’m her dad, Steve Mannheim. I’m the wrong Mannheim to mess with. I’m Dashawn Manheim. I’m probably the right Manheim to mess with, unless we’re talking about a dance battle, in which case Five, six, seven, eight. Ha! – You’ve been warned. – Okay. Yep. Cupe Robinson III. I think you’re just ghastly, and I was against this whole caper from the bell. – Okay. – Otto Zilberschlag. Uh, formerly a huge fan. – Now just a regular fan. – Got it. I know of you, but not through your work. – Okay. – I’m Gregory Hsung. I only watch foreign films. That’s my deal. Arturo Fonzarelli, but I’m pretty cool so people call me the “Ice Man.” And I’m Quackers! – Quack, quack, quack! – Easy, Quackers. How’s Hollyhock? They wouldn’t give me information. Why would they? You’re not her dad. No, I know. I just Is she okay? She will be. The doctor said she’s lucky to be alive. What happened? – She overdosed. – What? No. How could you let this happen? Quack, quack! – Quackers! Settle down. – What was she on? I had no idea. You had no idea? Have you looked at her? She’s as thin as a pole. You know I don’t care for your Polish jokes, Dashawn. She told us you were taking care of her. – I was. – I knew she was too young to be on her own like this. She’s a child! She called Pedro AlmodÃ³var’s I’m So Excited “excessively kitsch.” Kitsch is excessive! That’s the point! Can I see her? Can I talk to her? – You’re lucky we don’t call the police! – Quack, quack. Our kid got hooked on amphetamines because of you! – No, I didn’t – Quack, quack, quack, quack. Okay, I feel like there’s a lot of male energy right now. Why don’t I come back in a couple hours? Give Hollyhock a chance to rest before I talk to her. Are you insane? You are never seeing Hollyhock again. – Look, if I could just – Never. – I have four grapefruits. – Okay. Henrietta, would you like a grapefruit? I have but four, but I will share one with you, for I am kind and honest. No, no. No, no, no. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, God. – Where’s the girl? – She’s gone, Mom. Oh, yes, I took her, didn’t I? Where did I put her? Oh, Henrietta, would you help me pack this? – I want to bring it to my son. – Thanks, Mom. – It’s for my son. – Right. How did I not see it? All this time, I thought you were a terrible parent. And you were. But I blew it even worse. It turns out being a parent is impossible, so I guess I can’t be that mad at you. Mad at me? No, Henrietta, this is the right thing. You’ll see. Maybe we deserve each other. Where is the girl? I made the girl coffee. Jesus, you two and your coffee. Wait. No. Oh! What did you put in this? That’s an old family secret. “Chub-B-Gone?” – Takes the pounds right off. – This whole time. Just until she learned to take it herself. – Of course it was you. – Henrietta! No. All this “I-don’t-know-where-I-am or-who-my-son-stuff” is, is officially not cute anymore. You ruined the one good thing I had. The one thing I didn’t ruin myself, but of course I did because I thought it was a good idea to give you one more chance. – Where is Crackerjack? – Stop. You are out of chances. What? Hey, BoJack, great news! – Bad time. Can’t talk. – Wait, just listen Thank you for holding, Mr. Horseman. I understand you’re interested in our facility and wanted our first available room. No, I said “worst available room.” FYI, we keep these blinds down because the window looks out at a Dumpster. – Noted. – You know You kick me a little coin right now, I can make sure your mother is very well taken care of. Oh! In that case, please watch me not reach for my wallet. Well, this is your life now. This is what it all added up to. You, by yourself, in this room. Best of luck. See ya never. Who is that? Ugh. Bye, Mom. BoJack? Previous EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014) 5 1 The Light Bulb Scene [techno music playing.] In Los Ageless The winter never comes In Los Ageless The mothers milk their young – [BoJack.] Nothing’s lonelier than a party. – [exhales.] Good thing I don’t need anyone or I might feel lonesome. – Watch your six. – I’d rather watch your six. [woman chuckles.] [techno music playing.] – [gunshot.] – [gasping.] – [grunts.] – [Gina gasps.] – Hmm. – [gun cocks.] – What the hell? – [director.] Cut! Come on, guys. Pay attention. The squib didn’t fire. – What did I do? – Not you. Squib. Squib. – The squib. – I don’t need any help. Thank you. – You’re doing great, BoJack. – Yeah? And I did a great job watching you, which is most of what producing is. We’re doing it, buddy! First day! Listen, I still have some questions about my character, and the script, and the show, and you asking me to do this show, – and me saying, “Yes”. – Hey, can we get rid of Philbert’s watch? The network doesn’t want us to remind the audience about the existence of clocks. And why we’re making a TV show for What-Time-Is-It-Right-Now-dot-com, which is a website for people who don’t know their computers already have built-in clocks at the corner of the screen? All your questions will be answered. But in the meantime, would it kill you to smile? [remote clicking.] [grunts.] [theme song playing.] [gunshot.] – [grunts.] – [Gina gasps.] Dierdre! I should have known! Just like a bitch to shoot me in the heart, bitch. Good thing I carry this flask full of my dead wife’s blood around. [director.] And, cut. Hey, Flip. Can I ask why I’m calling her a bitch twice? The first bitch is her. The second bitch is your heart. Okay, you know, I have some questions about my character. [sighs.] [beeping.] – I have two minutes. – Okay, well, my first question is – BoJack Horseman – Oh, jeez. Here we go. and Mr. Peanutbutter on the same studio backlot? – One sec – What is this? – A mismatched buddy comedy – No. about two guys from different sides of the tracks who learn to respect each other because they have a common interest? – Who’s this guy? – Ignore him. Why And a grudging respect blossoms into real friendship as they set aside their differences to achieve a shared goal – Stop it. – each bringing their own strength to the table, and possibly there’s a karaoke scene? Why does John Philbert’s house look the same as my house? I’ve never been to your house. The set was designed to reflect Detective Philbert. Spare, lonely, precariously balanced on a hill of his own isolation. It kind of looks like David Boreanaz’s house. The set designer actually took a tour there. Oh, that’s very interesting. Why are you here? I’m playing Julius Caesar on the stage next door, in a movie! Well, it’s a short film. – I gotta run. – Wait! I’ll see you next time I’m Roman around the lot! – Flip, when can we talk? – Tomorrow morning. – Hi. – Hey. [drums playing.] [grunts, groans.] – [pants.] – Yikes, was that it? You done? – [exhales.] – Wow. Sorry, I can’t do you. I’m too distracted, I’d just do a bad job. You know your own body better than me anyway so just go to town. Yeah, I’m gonna go. Wait, Gina. Can I ask you a question, about you? Uh-huh? Do you think I’m right, and the Philbert character is poorly written, and Flip needs to write him better, so I don’t look so bad? Look, I do one of these shows every year. And I keep getting hired because I show up, do the work, and keep my head down. But do you love this script? Do you love your character? Do I love Internal Affairs Director Sassy Malone, whose primary character traits are that she hates bras and loves cold rooms? Not especially. It feels gratuitous and male-gazey. But it pays for my expensive habit of having a mortgage – in Southern California. – You don’t have to go. We could hang out. I’m sure you don’t wanna be all alone in a house by yourself. No, I love being alone. I wish I were alone right now. – [door opens, closes.] – [sighs.] [inhales, exhales.] Huh. – [phone beeps.] – [line ringing.] [Hollyhock grunts.] BoJack? Why are you up? I could ask you the same question. Now you’re in college you don’t need to sleep anymore? No, I was sleeping. You called me and woke me up. Oh, right. I wanted you to know that I hearted your Instagram photo. Okay, cool. Well, there were 23 other hearts. But I don’t know if you know who they’re all from, but one was from me. Yeah, they let me know. Oh, cool, cool. Okay, I’m going back to sleep. Fine, but this phone call does not replace our weekly Sunday call. Okay? Yeah, I’ll talk to you Sunday afternoon. Yes. Good. Because I miss you. Sorry, that sounded dumb. I don’t miss you, I’m just bored. – That also sounded dumb. – I miss you too, BoJack. [phone beeps.] [Todd panting.] Good morning, lovebugs! Don’t mind me, just passing through! Not sneaking a peek at the lovebugs! There’s nothing to see that would embarrass any of us. – We are all fully clothed. – Ha-ha. If you say so! What are you gonna do while I’m at work all day? There’s an old frog who lives down in the L.A. River. He owes me an egg salad sandwich, on account of a caper we once went on. – What? – I was gonna see if he wants to make instruments out of shoeboxes and rubber bands. And, uh, that will satisfy you? When your life is ends, and you’re looking back at this day, you’ll think that was a good day? Yeah? Well, from your preliminary paperwork you seem like a perfect candidate. Thanks, I just never thought it would be like this. I mean, my mom popped out kids by the dozen. And I can’t even Mnh-mnh. Princess Carolyn, is your name Cutie Cutie Cupcake? – No, that’s – Were you born on August 12th, 1947? – I – Do you sleep with your hands stuffed – in lotion-filled socks? – No. Right, because you are not your mother. – How did you know – What you are is noble, honorable, and unimpeachable. Anyone can just have a baby. But to adopt one? That takes a hero. It takes a selfless, giving, kickass superwoman who’s willing to take out her checkbook right now and write the adoption agency a check for$60,000. Well. [sighs.] Okay. Fabulous. I’m just so glad that I’m on
this journey with you. Princess Carolyn, I’m with you every step of the
way, from you giving me this check all the way to me introducing you to
your new caseworker, Tracy. – Hey. – Ah! You’re in wonderful hands, bye!
Uh, what Congratulations. What are you, like, five months pregnant? No,
I’m not a birth mother. I’m adopting. Oh, that makes sense. ’Cause
you’re so old. Is Mikhaela ever coming back? – [scoffs.] Yeah, in your
dreams. – [sighs.] Yes. Yes. No. Yes. What?! Jeanine, the script calls
for hot and haunted. Does this girl look hot and haunted to you? Yeah,
I’m sure she was hot for Shakespeare in the Park, but I need TV hot. –
Actually, she’s starting to look haunted. – [door opens.] – Hey! Uh,
this a bad time? – It’s fine. I can talk to you and also judge these
women’s bodies at the same time. What do you want? Okay, well, first of
all, the script is great. Really top-notch stuff. I love the whole thing
of it. I just wanted to clarify some things about Philbert as a
character. Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay, on page three, is it necessary that
Philbert can only orgasm if he’s listening – to a recording of his dead
where he goes to a strip club and just sits in the back with a
sketch-pad and draws the strippers, while a Leonard Cohen song plays?
What about it? It’s just that all of these half-naked women. I mean, I
understand it. I’m just worried it might come across as gratuitous and,
uh, male-gazey, which I know it isn’t! Hmm. You know what? You girls can
go home. The stripper scene’s cut. – No. – Seriously? – Uh, oh. Uh – How
am I gonna feed my baby? I just got an idea for something better. So,
instead of drawing strippers naked, you’re just going to draw Gina
naked. [BoJack.] Uh Gina, BoJack was concerned the old scene was
gratuitous and male-gazey. Oh, he was? BoJack said that? [Flip.] This
is much more interesting and motivated by character. And since it’s
motivated by character, that means it’s not gratuitous. Thank you for
the note, BoJack, you really helped. Yeah. Thanks, BoJack, for helping.
– Oh, um – [Flip.] Can we get some ice? Can we get some nipple ice for
Gina? – So, you’re the famous Yolanda. – I am not famous. You might have
me confused with another more famous Yolanda. I know, I-I just meant
because Todd talks about you so much, I feel like you’re famous. Oh,
well, that was not clear. Okay. Todd, why don’t you say things now?
Steve, you still fixing up your truck? You’re thinking of Emily’s old
boyfriend, firefighter Steve D’Marco. Yeah, I’m firefighter Steve
D’Mazio. We’re very different. But I do have a truck, and I’m fixing it
up. So, thanks for asking. I created a dating app for firefighters to
meet me. – Looks like it worked. – [chuckles.] Yeah. Hey! We should
create a dating app for asexuals. Why would asexuals want a dating app?
Well, not all asexuals are aromantic. – Uh – Think of it this way. One
could be: A, Romantic, or B, Aromantic, while also being A, Sexual, or
B, Asexual. So you could be BB, or BA. As for me, see AB, see? Uh So,
even within the one percent of the population that’s asexual, there’s an
even smaller percentage that is still looking for romantic
companionship. Seems like a pretty thin user base for an app. But
without it, asexual romantics might end up settling for just whatever
other asexual romantics they might meet, even if they have nothing else
in common. – Well, anyway – Yeah, but maybe it’s good if they have
nothing in common because then they can help each other grow and change,
and become fuller, more well-rounded people. Yeah, that’s true. So,
Todd, are you still doing that rabid clown-dentist exercise thing? Oh,
no, that whole thing kinda fell apart when the clowns got loose.
[mystery music.] Huh? I know you killed your wife, Philbert, and I’m
gonna prove it. [Mr. Peanutbutter.] Wow! Don’t finger me for a
murderer, Malone. I don’t know where those fingers have been.
[Mr. Peanutbutter.] Ooh! Well, how about I show you? –
[Mr. Peanutbutter.] Wow! – [Flip.] Cut! Someone keeps shouting “Wow”
and “Ooh.” You guys are doing a bang-up job over here. So sayeth Caesar!
King of the apes! Look, man, I know what you’re doing, okay? You’re
trying to punish me. Just don’t punish Gina. I’m not trying to punish
anyone. I’m just trying to make a good show that’s brilliant and
unprecedented. It sounds like you guys are basically on the same page.
You’re the only one with a problem here. – Gina is fine with it. – Gina
is not fine with it. You guys, you’re almost saying exactly the same
thing. Except one of you is saying “not”. Gina, do you have a problem
with the nudity in this scene? It’s great. It’s brilliant,
unprecedented. I’m gonna get some potatoes. You see? Everyone’s fine
with it but you. So, can we drop it? I know you’re used to being the
most important person on set. – This is not about me. – It’s weird for
you that I don’t need to listen. – I’m not – Hey, hey But if you
actually have notes that are helpful, I would love to hear them when
you’re done swinging your dick around. – No, this is not about my dick.
– Okay, fellas – Well, maybe it should be about your dick. – What? Since
you’re so concerned about the male gaze, let’s give the females
something to gaze at. We’ll do a full-frontal nude scene with you. This
is compromise! This is working together. – Well, hold on. – Fully
exposed, Philbert reaches up – with both hands to screw in a light bulb.
– Yes! He totters in little circles on a tiny stool. – Wouldn’t I just
turn my wrist? – Full body rotation. We see everything. Now we’re
talking! – No, we’re not! Princess – I’m on it. Flip, BoJack can only do
this scene – if he can wear a T-shirt. – What? He’s very self-conscious
about his belly area. No, I’m self-conscious about my penis area. He
can’t wear a shirt. It’s about being vulnerable. We see every fold and
imperfection of his wrinkled, saggy body. – Hey! – So we like him. But
he has to be fully erect so we respect him. – What? – We’ll shoot it
tomorrow. – Yeah. – Unless you don’t like this idea, in which case, we
can go back to what we were doing. – Right. – Well So, you would be
admitting that you don’t actually care about the male gaze and you were
only giving me notes to hear yourself talk. But that’s not it, right? –
Right. – Great. – Shooting is tomorrow afternoon. – Okay. – I’ll send
the waxing kit over tonight. – Philbert waxes? Not for cosmetic
purposes. He just wants to feel something. – [chuckles.] – Huh? I like
your friend. It’s impressive how she creates companies. And her
boyfriend has an interesting career as well. Yeah! And you have an
interesting career. Hey! The three of you all have interesting careers.
That is so cool! Todd, do you ever feel weird that you have no
discernible life direction? – No. – Let me rephrase that. I feel weird
that you have no discernible life direction. – Oh. – I mean – What am I
supposed to tell people? – A story? A joke? Compliments are things
people like being told sometimes. I’m sorry. How was your day? Did you
end up meeting with that frog? No, I just stayed home and looked at
stuff on the Internet. Oh. – [gasps.] – Hello, Princess Carolyn.
You’re not Princess Carolyn. Why are you not Princess Carolyn? – She
gets home pretty late. – I came all this way for nothing? I brought my
spinny chair and everything! Well, if you want something to do, you
could help me find a job. – You’re looking for a job? – I spent all day
looking! First, I thought I should get a newspaper to find one, but then
I was,Â like, “Where do I find a newspaper?” – Uh. – So, I looked it up.
And a map came up of my local area. So, then I thought about how I know
this area pretty well, but there’s all kinds of areas I don’t know. –
Like South Africa. – Okay. – And then I thought about Charlize Theron. –
Uh, right. And then I thought about that movie Monster. And then I was,
like, “What year did that come out?” – So I went to Monster.com – [pc
clacking.] to look up facts about the movie Monster, and it turns out
they have job postings there! – [Bojack sups.] – What a time to be
alive! Hey! A posting for WhatTimeIsItRightNow.com! [Todd.] Oh, a
janitor job. I’ve always wanted to Janet! I just got an amazing idea.
Interview for that job! Uh Was that your amazing idea? Because I feel,
like, it kinda came out of the room. When you get in the building, say
you need to use the WC. Then you’ll sneak into the office of one of the
network execs. Go into their email and send a message to Flip McVicker
telling him he can’t film any more nude scenes because they’re
derivative and unnecessary, – especially the nude scenes involving me. –
You are throwing a lotta words at me. Todd, don’t you get it? We’re
gonna save the show! You’re on a show? This is a very impressive resume.
Yep. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must adjourn to the restroom. You
founded a ride-share app. You built and managed your own theme park. And
you were, briefly, Governor of California! I was also the director of a
Star Wars movie, but they fired me over “creative differences.” Now
about that restroom Hold on. You are way overqualified to be a janitor.
– Okay. But I do actually need to go. – Oh, you need to go, all right. –
Straight to the top of this company! – [gasps.] We’re ready for you on
set, Mr. Horseman. Just a minute. – [cell phone rings.] – All right!
Todd, did you do it? [woman on phone.] Hold please for Mr. Chavez. –
Already I don’t like this development. – [Todd.] Hey! Good news, bad
news. Good news is I’m now President of Ad Sales and Streamable Content
for WhatTimeIsItRightNow.com and – WhatTimeIsItGo. – [BoJack.] What?
tell them what to do. I could, but I’m no leader at all if I can’t
delegate authority. – I need to focus on big picture stuff. –
[grinding.] Loving that picture. Can we get it even bigger? Ugh, Todd,
happenstance to completely dick me over! Have you tried just talking to
the show runner? In my experience, I’ve found it’s best to shoot
straight, in the boardroom and on the driving range. – [grunts.] – I
gotta jet. It’s Susie in HRs birthday and if I don’t show up to these
things, people talk, you know what I mean? – I never do! – [cell phone
beeps.] – Hey, Flip, we need to talk. – Okay. – I’m not doing the naked
scene. – What? The only reason you wrote it is to embarrass me. BoJack,
I’m not writing scenes for my television show and also directing them in
order to teach you lessons or send you secret messages. I’m just trying
to make a good show. – Why do you keep making it so difficult? – I’m
making it difficult? I have done nothing, but be a friend to you. I
actually called my mom last night and told her that I made a friend on
set. Do you wanna make me a liar to my mother? – What? Ew. Weird. – Take
off that robe and go to set. – No. – Take off that robe right now. Why
can’t you act like a professional and get naked? Because it’s dumb! This
whole show is duuuuuuumb! What? It’s confusing, it’s overwritten, and
it’s poorly lit. The darkness is a metaphor for darkness! And worst of
all, it’s boring! It has nothing to say, and it says that nothing badly!
[inhales.] Let me tell you how this is going to be. I am the show
creator and if I want your character to get naked, he gets naked. If I
want him to speak only in Korean, you’re learning Korean. If I want your
character to shit his pants and walk around with shit in his pants for
the rest of the season, – you will do just that. – [mystery music.] –
Oh, come on. – You signed a contract. And that means I am your god. You
will please your god, and if I don’t see your ass on set then I will see
your ass in court. Do you understand? [groans.] That’s a good note
about the lighting. I’ll take a look at that. Good news! We found a
birth mother! Really? A-already? She came in yesterday. She’s giving her
baby to a sweet couple in Illinois. – What? – Oh Did you think we found
a birth mother for you? Conceited much? Tracy, Iâm spending a lot of
money to be here with you and I’m putting myself in a very vulnerable
position. Is there any way you can be a little more thoughtful with the
way you manage me as a client? It sounds like what you’re looking for is
an adoption manager. This is an adoption agency. – Do you not know the
difference? – [sighs.] – [cell phone buzzes.] – What? Princess
Carolyn, I overplayed my hand. BoJack and I got into a fight. – And he
never showed up on set. – What? – [horn blaring.] – What? [BoJack.]
Princess Carolyyyyyyyn, I need to talk to youuuuuu. [sighs.] – BoJack.
– Hold on, I got a thing with a chair. How did you even find me? Duh.
Bought a burner phone, slipped it into your purse, and then used the
Find My Phone app. How thoughtful. [deep voice.] Hello, Princess
Carolyn. Oh, God. I have a plan and I need your help. – I found out his
mom has a fake leg. – Who’s mom? Flip. I’m gonna seduce her, steal her
leg, and then smack him across the face with it until he chokes on his
own blood. It’s subtle, but I think he’ll get the message. BoJack, what
are you trying to accomplish here? I-I don’t want to do the show. So
you’re gonna run away like you always do? Yeah. I never wanted to do
this show! – You faked my signature! – And I told you that, and you
said, “Okay” because you wanted to be a good friend to me! So, you can’t
get points for that and then resent me for it now. – It’s not about you!
I don’t like him! – Oh, Flip’s not that bad. He’s just insecure and is
overcompensating a little. I know that must be a foreign concept for
you. No, not Flip. Philbert. He-he’s a drunk. He’s an asshole. I don’t
want to be him. So, maybe don’t be the drunk asshole. Maybe this time,
you have a good attitude and you don’t drink so much and you show up at
your call time. And then you put on the Philbert costume and you pretend
to be this other guy. And then when you’re done shooting, you take off
your costume and you’re BoJack, the star of the show that everybody
likes. – Yeah? – Yeah. Hey, why are we at an adoption agency? Are you
adopting something? – I’m trying to. – Oh. So, can you keep it together
for the next ten weeks so I don’t need to come to set, every day, to put
out fires? You think you could do that? For me? [inhales.]
[exhales.] [Flip.] Action. [Diane.] Hey, stranger. It sounds like
you had an amazing trip. I did. What have you been up to? Well, I did
play Julius Caesar in a pizza commercial that they’re going to
[chuckles.] get this, show in movie theaters. Wow, look at you. Pizza.
Et Cru-DitÃ©s? – What? – That was my line. I played Little Caesar’s dad,
Big Caesar, in the back story part of the commercial, which is funny
because most commercials don’t even have a back story part. Also, Little
Caesar’s doesn’t sell cruditÃ©s. Oh, man, my part’s definitely going to
get cut, huh? Just like the real Caesar! Hey, that’s right! – Well,
here’s your place. – [horns honking.] Yep. Here it is. Well, anyway, I
signed the papers. Oh. Great! Yeah, so if it all looks good to you and
your lawyer, you can sign it too and then it’ll be official. Divorce
completed. – Yay. – We did it. Take that, our marriage! – Well, I guess
I’ll see you around? – Yeah. – I was going to – Sorry. – [both
laughing.] – Sorry. Just go all the way. – Well, bye. – Cool.
[grunts.] [Flip.] And, cut. – [buzzes.] – [Flip.] We got it.
What’s that for? We’ve all seen me naked. Can’t put the genie back in
the bottle now, baby. [crew laughing.] Thanks anyway, Judy. This is
great. Any other work environment and this would be considered sexual
Whoops. Gonna need new yogurt. – [groans.] – I’ll make it up to you,.
Party at my house tonight! [crew cheering.] The last days of the
sunset superstars Girls in cages playing their guitars So, then Aaron
Eckhart said, “If that’s Ansel Elgort, then who’s Alden Ehrenreich?” –
And then I said, “Gesundheit” – [all laughing.] – Flip! You made it. –
Yeah. Jesus Christ, your house really does look like Philbert’s. That’s
what I’ve been trying to tell you. Thanks for being so cool today about
the naked stuff. Yeah. Sure. Those chicks always make such a big deal
about their bodies. Maybe now that you’ve done it, Gina won’t complain
so much next time we make her do it. – Well, no, she didn’t complain. –
Whatever. Doesn’t matter. – Everything worked out. – Yeah. Listen, I’m
sorry I flew off the handle earlier and tried to remove your robe by
force. This is my first show and I’m still figuring out how to strike
the right tone. No, of course, I’m just trying to help you fulfill your
vision. Yeah. The main thing you gotta know about me is just don’t take
things so personal, you know what I mean? Uh, yeah. Everything we’re
doing over these next ten weeks, the places I’m going to take you, it’s
not about you, you know? – It’s Philbert. – Yeah. Right. Yeah, you get
it. Oh, my Lord Oh, we really did it now I tell you, buddy, this is
going to be a sensational season of television. But I can keep running
No, I can keep on running [vocalizing.] How can anybody have you? How
can anybody have you and lose you? How can anybody have you and lose you
And not lose their mind too? How can anybody have you? How can anybody
have you and lose you? How can anybody have you and lose you And not
lose their mind? How can anybody have you? How can anybody have you and
lose you? How can anybody have you and lose you And not lose their mind
too? How can anybody have you? How can anybody have you and lose you?
How can anybody have you and lose you And not lose their mind? Previous
EpisodeNext Episode Bojack Horseman (2014)
5 2 The Dog Days Are Over – [Diane crying.] – [sad music playing.] [car
tires squeaking.] [crying continues.] I need to get as far away from
Los Angeles as possible. The handy ticketing screens are behind you and
will provide all the answers you need. – Can’t you just help me? –
Screen has all the answers. [sighs.] I could really use some personal
attention right now. – Where did you want to go? – I need to leave
tonight. Anywhere. Uh, okay. Hanoi? Vietnam! Yes, perfect! Thank you! –
Sh-should I punch it into that screen? – Uh-huh. And say nice things
about me. That screen’s my supervisor. [theme music playing.] –
[phone vibrating.] – I’m Peter Sagal. Don’t wait, wait. – Do answer
your phone. – Stefani? Hey, girl! Just checking up on that clickable
content you were working on. Listen, something came up, and I Where are
you? I’m doing a new, fully immersive, 3-D spin class. [chuckles.] Oh,
you know what? I’m just biking. – Oh. Well, I just landed in Vietnam –
[growls.] – Where is my content, Diane? – Um I need words for my
website. There are words on the website now, but I need younger words,
newer words, fresher words to feed the insatiable beast! Okay, okay,
I’ll write something while I’m here. – Love it! Feed that beast, girl!
Bye! – [phone beeps.] [indistinct chattering in Vietnamese.] [Diane
reading.] Number one: To reconnect with your ancestral roots. As a born
and raised American, you never felt much connection to your Vietnamese
heritage, and your parents offered little to fill in the blanks. G’aw!
You call that a fastball? With an arm like that, you’re gonna get booted
back to Triple-A, you skeezer! – Dad, where are we from? – We’re from
Boston, dummy! Why do you think I talk in this accurate, regional
dialect? I know that, but, I mean, what is our background? Why do I look
different from the other kids? Ah, shove it up your rear, you jack-off.
You’re just the same as anybody else, and don’t let nobody tell you
different. I just thought you could give me a little cultural context,
what with you being a tenured professor of Vietnamese history at Tufts
and all. Christ, Deedee, that’s my job. I wouldn’t ask you to have a
period on your day off. What? Dad, it Okay. [Diane.] But you’re here,
finally. And it’s comforting to see your name everywhere and so many
faces, that look like your face. – Ah! Oh. – [speaking Vietnamese.] –
Sorry, I don’t I don’t speak – [speaking Vietnamese.] – I don’t I
don’t understand you. – [speaking Vietnamese.] Oh, is this who you
were looking for? – Ouch! – [speaking Vietnamese.] I’m sorry.
[Diane.] It’s more foreign than you expected, but that’s good. You
want to truly immerse yourself and get the full non-LA experience. –
[bike bell rings.] – Ooh! Because sometimes, to find yourself, you
need to get as far away from the world you know – Coming through! Hot
set! – Ah! Ah! [man.] Movie lingo! – [sighs.] Excuse me, hi. –
[bell dings.] – What’s going on here? – Oh, isn’t it exciting? Some
American filmmakers are shooting a movie, starring Laura Linney! It’s
about a recently-divorced woman who comes to Vietnam to find herself.
[sighs.] [Diane.] You came here to reconnect with your roots, but
now you feel stupid for even thinking that was possible. You put on the
clothing you bought, and it feels like a costume. This is not your home.
You’re a tourist here. Reason number two: you can be a tourist here! –
[camera shutter clicks.] – [both speaking Vietnamese.] Can I have
number two? – Number two? – Ah. Yes. [speaking Vietnamese.] Number
two. Thank you. [speaking Vietnamese.] [laughs.] [speaking
Vietnamese.] [speaking Vietnamese.] [speaking Vietnamese.] Thank
you. [Diane.] Sometimes, it’s just nice to take a vacation and forget
about everything you left behind – [phone vibrates.] – I’m Peter
Sagal. Don’t wait, wait. – [beeps.] – Hello? – Diane! – Hey,
Mr. Peanutbutter. Are you okay? You left my party without saying
goodbye. I was like, “Uh-oh, what happened to Diane?” – Well – Then I
got distracted because Todd got his tongue stuck to the ice sculpture.
By the time we got him off, his tongue was completely numb, which made
him talk real funny. – Mm-hmm. – Well, that got him in quite the
situation when the mob boss, at the roller rink, thought he was making
fun of his deaf sister. I’m sorry, this is turning into a Todd story.
The point is, are you okay? Oh, yeah, sorry. [stammers.] I just had a
plane to catch, so I’m in Vietnam now – Whoa. – but I’ll be back soon. –
Let me fetch you from the airport. – [bike bell rings.] Oh, that’s
okay. You don’t want to deal with the traffic. You know I love traffic.
I get to catch up on all those hilarious license plates I haven’t read
yet. Okay. Thanks. Great. Hey, I have to tell you I’m glad, I’m not
still paying your phone bill because this call must be costing a
fortune! Unless you remembered to call Ed for the international plan. Of
course I remembered to do that! But I have to hang up now. Our
conversation has reached a natural conclusion, goodbye. – [phone
beeps.] – Ugh. Number three: because you’re single now and you can do
whatever you want. Isn’t it great being single? [chuckles.] It sure
is! I love that we’re mature enough to still be in each other’s lives. I
know! Other divorced couples can’t handle it, but we’re handling it, so
well, because we are better than them. Are we the best divorced couple?
– I think we might be. – Yeah. How are you doing with those divorce
papers? – It’s been several weeks now Aah! – Hi, folks! I’m Pickles. –
Ooh! – Have you dined with us before? – Yes. – Well the way it works
around here is: you look at a menu, pick what you want, I’ll bring it to
you, and then you pay at the end. So, like, a restaurant. – Ooh, sounds
great. – Can I get you started with drinks? Water would be great. – Oh,
my God, I love water. – Me, too! – Uh-huh. – I’m 70 percent water! –
Okay. – Me, too! What are the odds? So, two waters. Thank you. So
Mr. Peanutbutter, the divorce papers. – We need to Aah! – It’s me again,
the same dog as before. – Do you know what you’d like to order? – Are
you bringing our waters? – No. I forgot. Food, though? – Hmm, what do
you like here? – No, why would you ask – Oh, I like everything. In fact,
at the end of my shift, I usually take everyone’s leftover scraps and
put it in a trough and eat it up. Miam, miam, miam, miam! – But don’t
mention that to my boss. – We won’t. But that does sound eclectic and
delectable. The trough of everything. – Okay, and – Whoa, somebody’s not
hungry at all. – No, I am! I’m very hungry! – [laughs.] [shouting.]
And I’ll have the Cobb salad! – Why do you keep humoring her? – She’s
fun. You know, if we were still married, this would probably be enough
to spiral us off into a big argument, that isn’t even about the
waitress, and we would fight all night. But since we’re not married, I
can just be like, whatever. – This is truly great. – So great. We are
doing so great. Although I do get lonely sometimes in that big house all
by myself. Hey, why don’t you have a housewarming party? – Eh – Yeah!
Now that you don’t have a mean wife who hates parties He-he, you can
finally live it up. Okay, but only if you come. Promise? I’ll come if
you have those divorce papers. – Aah! – Me again. What did you order? I
didn’t write it down. – The trough! – Oh! He wants the trough! Uh, xin
loi. Do you speak any English? We are lost. I actually speak all of the
English. – Oh! Your English is very good. – I am American. Yes.
American. We are from America. I am from America. No. Me America. You
Vietnam. No. Me America. – Me America! – Me America, too. Me am also
America. [Diane.] Number four: To meet new people! – Hell-oh, uh, I am
with the movie. – [music playing.] No Vietnamese, but I want a drink.
Beer? Glug-glug? [Diane.] Number five: Get out of your natural
habitat. We all work so hard to cultivate our homes, but what are they
other than a place to repeat negative patterns? There. Last one. And the
first one. I moved all this other stuff in while you were stretching. So
much for helping. Oh, did you need help deciding whether or not this
place is a shithole? Because help is on the way. – It’s a shithole. – I
like it. It’s what I can afford and it makes me feel good to do it on my
own. When this place makes you too sad, you can always come over. You’ll
have to say, “I’m a sad, sad girl with a terrible, dirty apartment,” –
but I’ll let you crash. – This is my home and I am proud of it. – Where
did you get all this junk? – It’s not junk! I just emptied out my
storage unit. This is the stuff that cool, 20-something Diane had to put
away when she moved in with old man Peanutbutter. Oh, can we finally
talk shit about Mr. Peanutbutter? Like how he has dog breath and leaves
his hair all over, or is this one of those scam jobs where I talk shit
and you nod along, then you two get back together and you hate me
because I told you how I felt? When have you not told me how you felt?
All you do is tell me how you really feel. This place smells weird. I
want to go home. – I don’t tell you everything. – You do. There’s
literally nothing you haven’t told me. Well, did I tell you this place
smells weird? Yes. Help me move this couch. Okay, you get started. I’m
gonna stretch first. Anyway, Mr. Peanutbutter and I are still good
friends. Get the hammies. I’m going to his housewarming party on
Saturday. You should come. “Come with?” Diane, just because you have the
couch of a girl in her 20s does not mean that you are young enough to
say “come with.” [grunts.] There. – [light bulb pops.] – Yeesh. I
love it! This is my life now. [drums.] Hey! – What’s going on? – Oh,
hi, Diane. [chuckles.] Some cockroaches in IT tried to unionize, so I
just called an exterminator. [laughs.] – What? – Oh. Sorry, I meant
negotiator. Wait, no. Who did I call? Anyway, we’re gonna have to tent
this place for the next month. Can you work from home till then? I need
that listicle on five empowering roles for women over 40, that would be
better played by Jennifer Lawrence. – [people screaming.] – What was
that? Oh, negotiations. Bye! [mobile typing.] [Diane.] Number six:
To turn your work into a “work-cation.” [typing on laptop.] In this
new era of connectivity, working outside of the traditional workspace
can ignite creativity – [cat meowing.] – [toilet flushing.] –
[water leaking.] – Ew! [door opens.] Uh? I’m a sad, sad girl with a
terrible, dirty apartment. Come on in. Okay, one more glass, and then
I’m gonna head home. Why don’t you take the guest room? I could make
urine stains on the carpet and string up police tape so it feels more
like home for you. Thank you, but I’m excited to be on my own. I can do
whatever I want. I can pick up in the middle of the night and go to
Disney World, or Vietnam. Do you mean literally Vietnam or like when Old
Navy told me they were looking for a fresher face for their Performance
Fleece commercials – and they ended up with Sherman Hemsley? – What? –
[intense sounds.] – That was my Vietnam. I just mean I can finally do
the things I’ve always wanted. – I’m in a really good place. – Awesome!
[slurring.] A really good place. That’s the thing people don’t
understand about me. [slurring.] I’m also in a good place. I got this
new job coming up, so I’m gonna fly right, be tight, and sober up real
good. I’m working out a system so I only drink a little each day. Mm –
It’s my cheat day. – [glass breaks.] Isn’t it weird that this is the
first time we’re both been single at the same time? Yeah. Why is it
weird? I mean, I know why I think it’s weird, but you say a first thing.
It’s just, uh Come on, you know why. It’s just weird. Like, we could
totally make out right now. – What? – No, I’m not saying we should.
No. Pfft! No. I’m just saying we could, and that’s weird. I’m saying
it’s weird. Oh. Uh, I guess so. Not that I would. Oh, my God, that’s so
gross. – You’re gross. – You’re being mean. I’m allowed to be mean. I’m
getting a divorce. Okay, you get two more “divorce means,” but then
that’s it. I’m cutting you off. Maybe I should go. You sure you don’t
want to stay in the guest room? No. No, ’cause then that means I’m
staying here. And I cannot stay here again, not after last time. – What
do you mean? That was fun. – Was not. I was a mess. And then you left me
in charge of things and then went who knows where. Michigan? No, uh, no.
That time I ended up in New Mexico. I stayed with this family, got close
with the daughter, but, um [mystery music.] Luckily, it worked out all
fine. No, and I-I got a boat, I came back, end of story. Okay, buddy.
[yawns.] Hey, Diane, can I ask you a [snoring.] Oh. Yeah.
[continuous snoring.] [Diane moans.] Oooooooh [sighs.] –
[snoring.] – Oh [heavily snoring.] [door opens, closes.]
[Diane.] Reason number seven to go to Vietnam: Your therapist tells
you to. Have you thought about going away for a little bit? I don’t need
to go away. I’m good. I have this client who went through a surprisingly
tough second divorce. Let’s just call her “Demi M.” And let’s say that
her first husband was called “Bruce.” Talking about Demi Moore? You know
I can’t divulge personal information about my other clients, Diane. I’ll
ask you to be respectful. – But she and her second husband – Ashton. I
cannot say, went on a trip, and getting out of her routine allowed her
to process things more honestly. I just feel, like, I see myself very
clearly already. And what I see is that I am happy with my decision.
Mm-hmm. Another client of mine, Angelina J, who has a lot of adopted
kids Is she an actress? As a matter of fact, no. She thinks of herself
as a director. Wait a minute, do you talk about me in your sessions with
other clients? Oh, honey! No. [Vietnamese music.] I’m sorry to bother
you, but I’m trying to get a beer. Can you help me? Ah? [speaking
Vietnamese.] Oh, my goodness. [chuckles.] Thank you. [Vietnamese
music.] [swallowing beer.] Ah! I know you can’t really understand me,
but I’m a nice American dude. A good guy. [both laugh.] Would you want
to go for a walk to the markets? I feel totally lost out there and I
could really use a local to help show me around. Ah? – [packing bag.]
– [Vietnamese music.] [speaking Vietnamese.] All right! [Diane.]
Reason number eight: To discover a new you. You let a handsome stranger
follow you through the markets of Hanoi. [chattering.] And the smells,
sounds, and tastes transport you to another reality. He tells you
stories, he thinks you can’t understand, about his life in America, and
it’s freeing to be this person he thinks you are, this person who isn’t
bound by her own history or sadness. This is a person who could do
whatever she wants. [both.] Mm! Wow! I know this is crazy, but even
though you can’t understand a word I’m saying, I feel like we have a
real connection. I want to show you something. [joyful music.]
[Diane.] Oh! This is Ha Long Bay. It’s where Laura Linney comes to
find herself. I’ll bet you’ve never been on a movie set before, huh? I’m
a grip. The executive grip. I basically run things here. It’s so cool to
see my job through your eyes. [both moaning.] – Ah! – Holy shit, a
falling klieg light! [man.] Sorry! – Uh, can you speak English? –
[mystery music.] No I just heard someone say that sentence in an
American movie once. Also that sentence. – Also, yes, I speak English. –
What?! – I’m from LA. – So what? You were just pretending this whole
time? I was actually feeling something special here. Really? It didn’t
strike you as weird that you talked for two hours straight and I said
nothing? Or is that what felt special? I am not the bad guy here. You’re
a liar! Okay, and you got to have your little Miss Saigon cosplay, so
why don’t we call it a draw? – Get off my set! – Your set? Nice try,
buddy. I know what a grip does. At best, you’re the best boy at best.
Are you kidding me? Why does this happen to me every time I go on
location? [door slams.] Ugh! [Vietnamese music.] [Diane.] Reason
number nine to go to Vietnam: Because it’s good to get out of your
routine. Is that similar to reason number five: get out of your natural
habitat? No, it’s a different thing. It’s fine. – It’s whatever. –
[door opens.] Ooh, hey. What are you doing here? We’re going to the
party, remember? You told me to “come with.” – Why do you look so
different? – Do you like it? [laughs.] It’s a whole new, fun me. My
therapist thought I needed to get out of my routine. I mean, I thought
it, too. It was mostly me who thought it, but my therapist also
[sighs.] – Ta da! – Did you get a longer neck or something? I did not
get a longer neck. It’s a haircut. – Does it make my neck look long? –
No. Uh, you actually look amazing. Don’t try to take advantage just
’cause I’m all vulnerable right now. Jesus, lady! I’m just trying to
give you a compliment! – Relax, I was joking. – Were you? – [sighs.]
Let’s just go to the party. – God, you’re all over the place. – You hate
parties. – I don’t hate parties. – You hate parties. I’m fun. – Okay,
you know what? Forget this. – I’m sorry. BoJack – Hey. Your haircut
looks great. Mr. Peanutbutter’s gonna love it. [door creaking.]
[dance music playing.] [chattering.] – Hey, Diane! – Hey. – I love
what you did to your neck. – I didn’t Did you see that ice sculpture? I
am definitely not going to lick it. Don’t worry. Okay. Anyway, I can’t
stay long because I’m supposed to go to the roller rink later. – Uh-huh.
– I hope, there won’t be – any mob bosses there. – Well What am I
saying? That’s so random. – Have you seen Mr. Peanutbutter? – I don’t
know. Did you check the library? – Ugh. – ’Kay, I gotta go. There’s a
letter I wanna send. I need to lick the stamp. Hopefully, I’ll remember
to do it – before I put my roller skates on – Okay. so I don’t
accidentally miss the stamp with my tongue and then roll down the stairs
with my tongue out and then smack right into the ice sculpture with my
tongue. That would be pretty bad, but I wouldn’t put it past me. –
[dance music continuous.] – [people chatting.] Who are all these
people? – Mr. Peanutbutter. There you are! – Diane, nice haircut! – Oh,
this? No, I didn’t – Yeah! It really brings out the neck of your neck.
Okay, well, that’s Hey, don’t go anywhere, okay? I want to talk to you.
– Oh. [chuckles.] How was – Erica! What are you doing here with a
child-sized coffin? [sighs.] Oh, my God, are you okay? I saw
everything. Yeah, I’m fine. I can’t pick sides in this divorce because
I’m good friends with the both of you, but I want you to know, no matter
what, I’m here for you and also there for him. And if you ever need
anything, just let me know and I’ll be your rock, as long as it doesn’t
conflict with me also being Mr. Peanutbutter’s rock, or my work, which
is keeping me very busy. Excuse me, I have to take this. Hi, Flip? Yeah,
are we sure we need this strip club set? Because once we put the deposit
down, we cannot get that money back. – [dance music continuous.] –
[people chatting.] [sighs.] [Diane.] Reason number ten to go to
Vietnam: Because you’ve gotta leave to come back home. – [phone
beeps.] – [line ringing.] – [BoJack.] Hello? – Hey. – Hey. – [sad
tune.] I’m sorry. I’ve been so weird. I’m going through some shit. I
know. Yeah. And I just really need a friend right now. You know what I
mean? A friend? Yeah. I get it. Okay. Thanks. – This is Diane, by the
way. – Nguyen? – Yeah. Nguyen. – [phone beeps.] [Diane.] You’re not
entirely